Turn on thread page Beta

My boyfriend uses his dead father as an excuse. watch

    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Hi all, Just wanted to get people's thoughts on this for my own sanity.

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 months (we are both 21), and undoubtedly he's the best guy i've ever been in a relationship with. He is thoughtful, caring, generous etc. However, underneath this all he has the most vile temper I have ever seen. His father passed away two years ago and as anyone would expect he reacted to it very badly. So this coming monday is the two year anniversary of his father's death, I have organised a surprise of putting flowers and a nice ceremony for his dad to help him through it. However, for the last two months, I have put with some disgusting behaviour of his, he has other family problems but it all seems to come out on me. He shouts at me down the phone and in person, makes me so so so upset. (I really don't need the stress at some a crucial time of university). And then when i defend myself later on or then next he apologises and says that he has been thinking about his father and he was feeling in an argumentative mood. Is this acceptable? I understand it must be such a tough thing to go through (especially because my dad has a heart condition) but for him to lash out at me so much? I try to talk to him about it but he doesn't really want to know and always seems preoccupied in his own little world.
    Any suggestions?Advice?
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by xjust_an_angelx)
    Hi all, Just wanted to get people's thoughts on this for my own sanity.

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 months (we are both 21), and undoubtedly he's the best guy i've ever been in a relationship with. He is thoughtful, caring, generous etc. However, underneath this all he has the most vile temper I have ever seen. His father passed away two years ago and as anyone would expect he reacted to it very badly. So this coming monday is the two year anniversary of his father's death, I have organised a surprise of putting flowers and a nice ceremony for his dad to help him through it. However, for the last two months, I have put with some disgusting behaviour of his, he has other family problems but it all seems to come out on me. He shouts at me down the phone and in person, makes me so so so upset. (I really don't need the stress at some a crucial time of university). And then when i defend myself later on or then next he apologises and says that he has been thinking about his father and he was feeling in an argumentative mood. Is this acceptable? I understand it must be such a tough thing to go through (especially because my dad has a heart condition) but for him to lash out at me so much? I try to talk to him about it but he doesn't really want to know and always seems preoccupied in his own little world.
    Any suggestions?Advice?

    I lost my mum when I was 13 (7 years ago) and I didnt use it as an excuse, however, I do know people that have. It is a hard thing to have to go through as it seems like you understand but in my opinion, he is out of order for him to take it out on you. Im sure he probably does it because you are the person closest to him. Unfortunately there isnt much you can do about it apart from tell him how you are feeling. x
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    No, it isn't acceptable. He needs to learn to manage his anger, regardless of what it is regarding. How do you respond at the time when he lashes out? I would tell him straight that it isn't your fault, and refuse to speak to him until he has calmed down. I think you're going to have to be quite firm with him to get him out of 'his own little world' and explain that this just isn't right, and truth be told, if he loved you he wouldn't put so much misdirected anger towards you.
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    You can't understand something you've never been through.

    If you care about the relationship, support him. Try to be a bit more empathetic, it's not easy yknow. To be honest, if you're already thinking like this after 4 months, it probably isn't going anywhere anyway. If you feel like he's treating you unfairly, move on.

    Also....don't want to sound harsh but organising a ceremony for someone you've never met after being with him for such a short time? Bit OTT and patronising. That would piss me off.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    just a word of warning, the 'surprise ceremony'/flowers does not seem like a good idea, i imagine he could react fairly badly to that.

    everyone deals with grief in different ways and if you care about the relationship it might just be something you have to gently help him through. if after just 4 months you already have had enough/feel like he's being unfair, it might be better to let things go now?
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by DiZZeeKiD)
    You can't understand something you've never been through.

    If you care about the relationship, support him. Try to be a bit more empathetic, it's not easy yknow. To be honest, if you're already thinking like this after 4 months, it probably isn't going anywhere anyway. If you feel like he's treating you unfairly, move on.

    Also....don't want to sound harsh but organising a ceremony for someone you've never met after being with him for such a short time? Bit OTT and patronising. That would piss me off.
    yeah i understand, but he asked me to pretty much. To spend the day with him. Ik now i haven't been through it thats why im trying to go the best way about it.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    Bad move with the flowers/ceremony. Bad bad move. Whether he's asked you to spend the day with him or not that's just patronising. Spend the day with him but do what he suggests & what he wants to do.

    But no - not acceptable to use it as an excuse to talk to you that way
    Maybe you should suggest he gets counselling?
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    This might get reacted to very well.... but a 21yr old adult should not be reacting like a child. Uncontrollable temper, violent mood swings? These are not the actions of a reasonable person.

    Sure, he's been through a life changing event, but it was 2 years ago. Maybe suggest he starts seeing someone about it as you no longer want to be his [verbal] punchbag?



    Oh, and as others have said, 'ceremony' idea = awful. Appreciate your thought process, but totally wrong way of handling it.
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by xjust_an_angelx)
    yeah i understand, but he asked me to pretty much. To spend the day with him. Ik now i haven't been through it thats why im trying to go the best way about it.
    He asked you to spend the day with him, not arrange a ceremony.

    If you're trying to understand him, talk to him about the anger he feels and why he reacts in this way at this time. Don't tell him things like you don't need the stress. If you want to be with the guy, it means when things get hard, you try harder.
    Offline

    21
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by MovingOn)
    No, it isn't acceptable. He needs to learn to manage his anger, regardless of what it is regarding. How do you respond at the time when he lashes out? I would tell him straight that it isn't your fault, and refuse to speak to him until he has calmed down. I think you're going to have to be quite firm with him to get him out of 'his own little world' and explain that this just isn't right, and truth be told, if he loved you he wouldn't put so much misdirected anger towards you.
    Like to see you say that when you lose your' father. At the end of the day you cannot say that someone's behaviour isn't acceptable when you've never been in their situation. Therefore you statement is utter bull****.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    Hmmm... think some people are being a bit harsh on the OP saying she should get rid of him if she's feeling like this "already" - why would anyone put up with having someone shout down the phone at them. It's not her fault his dad died, and if it's just going to be a temporary lapse in normal personality then what's the point in dumping him over it? Bit of an over-reaction.

    OP: I'd agree with others that the ceremony might not be a great idea - might not be his thing. But explain to him that you'll not put up with being shouted at, when you're the one trying to support him through a difficult time (compared to, possibly, his family who he's having problems with?)
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by DiZZeeKiD)
    organising a ceremony for someone you've never met after being with him for such a short time? Bit OTT and patronising. That would piss me off.
    (Original post by petitflam)
    just a word of warning, the 'surprise ceremony'/flowers does not seem like a good idea, i imagine he could react fairly badly to that.
    (Original post by lekky)
    Bad move with the flowers/ceremony. Bad bad move
    (Original post by Drewski)
    'ceremony' idea = awful. Appreciate your thought process, but totally wrong way of handling it.
    Being someone who's lost their mum I have to agree with all of the above. Matter of fact it'll be 4 years tomorrow... I don't make a fuss out of the date, a lot of people seem to tread around me saying 'thoughts are with you etc...' why? It's just another day. if I want a bit of time to myself, I'll take it as and when I need it. I can't stand people who expect me to be down, in fact if anything, that puts me down. So - I'd be incredibly cautious with your idea, you sound like a sweet girl and you seem to have good intentions but maybe just be there for a cuddle.

    Back to your own question, everybody deals with it differently and it's something that no amount of time can ever heal. But you do learn to cope with it and deal with it and it gets less of a problem emotionally.

    Don't blame him for how he's acting, if that's genuinely why he's acting like it, he just needs help. Have you talked about counselling with him? It took me just short of 4 years to pluck up the courage to arrange counselling for myself... yet when push came to shove I chickened out. I just couldn't face it, I wanted to deal with it myself and maybe he does too? I genuinely feel that I lost myself when my I lost my mum and I've never come back. I'll never be the same, and neither will he.

    Don't blame him, help him.
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by pinda.college)
    Like to see you say that when you lose your' father. At the end of the day you cannot say that someone's behaviour isn't acceptable when you've never been in their situation. Therefore you statement is utter bull****.
    While I'm fortunate enough to still have my father around, unfortunately I've been with two people who had lost their fathers, so quite the contrary to my statement being 'utter bull****' I'm speaking with a fair amount of experience. The OP did not cause her partner's father to pass away, so his anger and lashing out at her is completely misplaced. My first partner despite losing his father many years ago was still very affected by the event, so I was there for him a lot emotionally and in the end he went as far to say as I had healed him from the hurt and the pain. I was really touched by that, and it shows I have a lot of sympathy and compassion for the loss of a parent. It's understandable that the OP's partner is upset about his father's passing, but how is it fair on the OP to be subjected to angry outbursts? He's a grown man and should have the sense to see that she shouldn't be objected to that.

    The OP knows her partner better than any of us, and I think the title 'uses his dead father as an excuse' says a lot. He is being completely irrational by lashing out at her, and then blaming an event that she had no control over and is completely unrelated to their disagreements.
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by xjust_an_angelx)
    Hi all, Just wanted to get people's thoughts on this for my own sanity.

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 months (we are both 21), and undoubtedly he's the best guy i've ever been in a relationship with. He is thoughtful, caring, generous etc. However, underneath this all he has the most vile temper I have ever seen. His father passed away two years ago and as anyone would expect he reacted to it very badly. So this coming monday is the two year anniversary of his father's death, I have organised a surprise of putting flowers and a nice ceremony for his dad to help him through it. However, for the last two months, I have put with some disgusting behaviour of his, he has other family problems but it all seems to come out on me. He shouts at me down the phone and in person, makes me so so so upset. (I really don't need the stress at some a crucial time of university). And then when i defend myself later on or then next he apologises and says that he has been thinking about his father and he was feeling in an argumentative mood. Is this acceptable? I understand it must be such a tough thing to go through (especially because my dad has a heart condition) but for him to lash out at me so much? I try to talk to him about it but he doesn't really want to know and always seems preoccupied in his own little world.
    Any suggestions?Advice?
    My mum died of cancer 2 years ago in about a weeks time. Just thought i'd say..
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by xjust_an_angelx)
    yeah i understand, but he asked me to pretty much. To spend the day with him. Ik now i haven't been through it thats why im trying to go the best way about it.
    The flowers and ceremony are a bad idea. Just because he asked to spend the day with you doesn't mean he wants to do something as personal as visiting his fathers grave, you should have checked with him first. Its not really a "nice suprise" to go and pay your respects to a dead relative.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: April 13, 2011
Poll
Who is most responsible for your success at university

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.