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    Well guys, today I'm taking the step & going to the doctors

    & I'm determined not to chicken out
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    Oh god, congratulations Lauren!! I am so bloody proud of you. This isn't the sort of thing you pussyfoot around; this is your life, and think of all the amazing things life has to offer you that an ED inhibits you from doing - and you won't NEED to chicken out.

    Making that first step was the best thing I ever did- and you'll soon find out it'll be the same for you.

    Mega-pride hugs XXX
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    (Original post by laurenl93)
    Well guys, today I'm taking the step & going to the doctors

    & I'm determined not to chicken out
    Eeeee well done and good luck! :hugs: Make sure to let us know how it goes!
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    This is so inspirational, I know exactly what you mean about the demon on your shoulder. "When you reach for the answer, the bubble stops you. But the bubble is a comfort. It is safe. It is known, accepted, quantifiable." That's a perfect way to describe it, and it's the reason myself & so many other people always seem to go back there.

    I wish you good luck in your recovery
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    #13

    I was just wondering if anybody else gets that weird feeling of where it is as if your skin is tearing over your bone when you move? For example I get this certain spot near my spine that feels like it pinches almost? It's strange.
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    (Original post by laurenl93)
    Well guys, today I'm taking the step & going to the doctors

    & I'm determined not to chicken out
    Massive well done, the first step is the biggest achievement



    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I was just wondering if anybody else gets that weird feeling of where it is as if your skin is tearing over your bone when you move? For example I get this certain spot near my spine that feels like it pinches almost? It's strange.
    I don't have that over bone but I have metal in my spine and I have that feeling over two of the screws. My doctor said it's called a bursa: if you don't have enough fat over a part of your bone, you form a bursa to protect your skin tissue from the bone. It's totally normal and no big deal unless it starts to really hurt, in which case it might have become inflamed, that's called bursitis. But there's really no need to worry; loads of people have them without ever getting inflamed
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    (Original post by laurenl93)
    Well guys, today I'm taking the step & going to the doctors

    & I'm determined not to chicken out
    :hugs: I'm so proud of you for taking the really difficult step and I'm glad they sorted something out for you. Well done, lovely!

    (Original post by kiss__this_x)
    This is so inspirational, I know exactly what you mean about the demon on your shoulder. "When you reach for the answer, the bubble stops you. But the bubble is a comfort. It is safe. It is known, accepted, quantifiable." That's a perfect way to describe it, and it's the reason myself & so many other people always seem to go back there.

    I wish you good luck in your recovery
    I wish the bubble would burst.
    It's actually scary how much of a comfort it is, I don't have TIME for it. I have a life to live and things to do that are infinitely more important. I don't even know what they are but I'd like to find out. But it's just this force... I just went for a long walk I didn't even want to go on because I'd eaten too much. My body hurts, I feel dizzy and I'm really hungry but I feel better because I've actually done something to make myself feel better. But I also feel annoyed with myself because I probably needed to eat more than what I ate because I have an exam tomorrow and I can't afford to mess things up. These exams aren't making the ED go away, that's for sure. I'm so scared of eating and I'm so scared of not eating. :rolleyes:
    I'm not going to stop fighting though, no way.
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    (Original post by laurenl93)
    Well guys, today I'm taking the step & going to the doctors

    & I'm determined not to chicken out
    so proud of you hun. Well done.

    Let us know how it goes
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    It might be helpful not to ignore the demon, but to accept it's there, and accept it's wrong. I remember when I first started recovering, I'd hear it's voice screaming at me in my head so loud I could swear it was real. But then I'd sit down and draw endless mind maps, flow charts, lists of the pros of eating... anything to drown out my irrational fears with logic. It's gotten a lot quieter now...

    You are truly inspirational. Thank you for sharing your story - it takes a lot of bravery to do what you've done The very, very best of luck for the future - and remember - you're travelling to a good place. It might not feel like it sometimes, but you'll definitely be happier when you get there. :thumbsup:
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    Lauren, I'm so proud of you. Diamonddust, please, please PLEASE fight this harder! Sometimes it feels futile in so many ways, but the comfort you're feeling right now with the disorder is nothing but a total ruse and you don't realise it until you're on the outside looking in.

    Please don't let this be your bubble forever, sweetheart. It's stopping you from living a proper life.
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    Kay, getting really nervous here!

    I've been invited to just spend some time with one of my good mates from a while back... and it'll be the first time I think he will have seen me since I dropped to 8 stone. Better than 7 1/2, but still nerve wrecking. I feel like such a failure, my friends having gone off to University or just further education in general and me... pulling out of my course because I didn't enjoy it, dropping weight dramatically, going into dips of depression, having a couple of ED's, getting concussed...

    I guess I should look at the positive things and accomplishments, but I still feel awful compared to my friends...

    The friend I'm meeting ironically enough also suffered from an eating disorder, but he had the sense to recover and all of that.

    ---------------

    Lauren, you are doing the right thing and you are doing amazingly! First step?! Hell girl, you're on a full time escalator heading on up from this point on! YOU CAN DO IT!!!
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    I feel like such a failure, my friends having gone off to University or just further education in general and me... pulling out of my course because I didn't enjoy it, dropping weight dramatically, going into dips of depression, having a couple of ED's, getting concussed...
    It must have taken a lot of courage to pull out of your course, but it honestly sounds like the right thing to have done if you didn't enjoy it! You're too young to be unhappy. (My Dad always tells me that. ) You're not a failure AT ALL. :hugs: It's not your fault you're unwell, and actually it's an achievement that you've even thought about recovery from something so horrible, let alone achieved half a stone! :eek: That's just amazing! :dance:
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    Agreed, Brie.

    Antiaris, I had been away in England for a whole year. And in that time I'd went from about 8.5 st to under 7! When I'd returned I was so scared to see my friends, and when I eventually did, amidst the banter some of my less tactful friends weren't overly subtle.

    "You look like death."

    To be honest though, I knew that fine well. I did look like crap. And it just spurred me on to want to get better even more. We laughed it off because taking it in humour - as severe and serious as this condition is - truly is the only way for me to keep it going and not let the disorder beat me when things are looking dire.

    The important thing is your friends are still with you, and have stuck by you through this time where you probably have neglected them and lied to them to feed your disease, as I have. And that shows they truly, deeply care, and are REAL companions to you.
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    Thank you for being so kind

    It's really weird, usually I'm quite positive but I go through severe dips like when I made that last post. Does anyone else go through this sort of thing? I've always blamed 'em seratonin curves but is it related to the ED's?

    I know I've achived quite a bit, but for some reason those things get blocked out when I go through these 'dips'. It's usually during the 'dips' that I end up purging.

    Toto, just wondering, what are you doing at the moment? I'm wondering because I found TSR because of study tips, but you say that you are 27 so how did you stumble upon this great of great forums?

    Hope things are going well for everybody btw!
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    Males and Females respond to recovery from anorexia very similarly in most ways but hormonally, it can be fairly different (cortisol for example, has different effects on men and women). I know this specifically because of my pituitary disorder! but Antiaris, I can safely assume your hormone levels will be quite royally askew during the recovery period.

    I had a little cry this morning. I broke my "cap" weight. Anorexics will know the "cap" weight is the absolute top-level weight they will allow themselves to ever get to. For me, it was 95lb. This morning, I am 95.4lb. Breaking this barrier, the anorexia is going absolutely mental, telling me it's time to restrict. But the part of me that sees reason still sees "you're a fully grown man who's not even 7stones yet."

    This is hands-down one of the most difficult things I've ever had to endure.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Males and Females respond to recovery from anorexia very similarly in most ways but hormonally, it can be fairly different (cortisol for example, has different effects on men and women). I know this specifically because of my pituitary disorder! but Antiaris, I can safely assume your hormone levels will be quite royally askew during the recovery period.

    I had a little cry this morning. I broke my "cap" weight. Anorexics will know the "cap" weight is the absolute top-level weight they will allow themselves to ever get to. For me, it was 95lb. This morning, I am 95.4lb. Breaking this barrier, the anorexia is going absolutely mental, telling me it's time to restrict. But the part of me that sees reason still sees "you're a fully grown man who's not even 7stones yet."

    This is hands-down one of the most difficult things I've ever had to endure.
    But you are one of the bravest, and kindest btw, individuals for doing so. I know I may only know you as Toto (I heard somewhere your real name is Tom, same as mine! [Forgot to mention, I am male]) but you are already more known simply for your personality on a singular forum than some people are known for their entire lives! If anybody can withstand the symptoms it will be you.

    *Insert overly dramatic music
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    See, there's me assuming again! Anorexics are just assumed to be predominantly female and thus I responded with that at hand! Of all people I shouldn't have made this judgement.

    Anyway, my name is indeed Tommy! Nice to know that goodhearted people share my name, spreading the Tom-Tom luuuurve.

    I appreciate the support my good friend and the compliments are incredibly sweet. I applaud and extend my strength to you too, throughout your difficult recovery. People don't realise what a strain this can have on you mentally.

    One thing is, Antiaris - I've been told so, SO many times that weight gain is a prerequisite to mental recovery. So, before I can focus on fixing my psychological issues, I must first heal my body. I always assumed it'd be the other way around, but as I was told by professionals, "Your hormones, your organs, your muscles - they're all broken. How can your mind be fixed, rationally, when it itself is like a headless chicken just trying to mend all the broken bits?"

    It's so true. You wouldn't set off on a voyage with a boat that'd become heavily rusted over the years without properly mending it up first.

    But I am not a boat. How weird would that be? Anyway, I am a person, with so many varying, contrasting, conflicting feelings about my recovery. Whereas I don't necessarily see my ED as a separate version of me as some do, or another "presence", it does dictate my life and still does at the moment. I have very limited control as I increase calorie intake and restrict exercise, but I am still very much in the grips of anorexia nervosa.

    You, too, sound like you're in a similar situation and even whilst recovering, you still find yourself resorting to the thoughts, the routines, the habits.
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    Guys, I am so so so completely and utterly terrified.

    I am being admitted to Fat Farm on Weds. I am going to have to eat and actually digest food. And I am going to have to gain weight. And I am not going to be able to drink, and I won't be able to selfharm.

    I have stayed out the medical wards this week. I was put on a massive dose of sando-k (potassium supplement) that is keeping my bloods stable.

    I have been keeping a food and alcohol diary since my assessment on Monday so the staff have a better idea of the level of disturbance in my eating. My head has been seriously in the sand with the alcohol. The past 3 nights I sank half a big bottle of gin.

    I had my last chemistry exam today. I felt incredibly unwell from hunger beforehand so I rationalised it in my head, went to Subway, got a 6'' veggie delite, no cheese, sweet onion sauce. Ate it slowly, enjoyed it. And *had* to get rid of it.

    Went to the chinese after my exam.
    And home via sainsburys.
    Collapsed in bed when I was done and pretty much passed out.
    Therapy.
    Back via sains.

    No alcohol tonight. I didn't have the money for both - won't have any more until sunday either. I chose the food because at least I'd puke it, instead of keeping down the calories.

    When I get to Fat Farm I will be put on 24hr obs for a few days. The consultant knows I selfharm (although I'm not sure she knows the extent it's escalated to...). I have been on 24hr obs before and it KILLS me. I am an only child and I NEED my own space. I struggle with spending more than a night at my parents' house and I have my own room there and stuff...

    I am so so so so so scared. In December I stopped b/p'ing and didn't selfharm for a few weeks. And I could not cope, and ended up taking a massive OD. When I have no coping mechanisms my mood PLUMMETS to very dangerous levels. If this happens they will not be able to discharge me because of the level of risk I present when so low.

    I spoke to another (non-ED'd) friend about my going IP and how scared I was about gaining, and about how I wanted to die when I reached 40kg before (BMI 14.5) and when I got to 15 I tried. And she said 'well, 40kg is quite a lot'. OMFG I nearly ****ing died.

    I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this. I am so so scared it is untrue. But I HAVE to do it, I'd be sectioned anyway if I didn't, but the point is I WANT to manage uni! And I know damn well that right now that would be out the question.
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    Custard, I too have been breaking barriers. Gaining weight beyond my norm. Taking in way more than I thought I could. More than 95lb? Are you crazy?! My ED screams to me every day.

    But my ED wants me dead, as does yours. My organs have already shown signs of damage. Yours probably will have too. I don't want to be dead, Custardcream, how about you?
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    Hey Tommy, was just popping in to see how everyone's doing really, and I see you've managed to gain some weight, I just wanted to say I'm soso proud of you, and everyone else who's managed to take a step forward recently. Keep up the good work! :hugs:
 
 
 
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