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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

    • #64
    #64

    When you need to eat something, but you don't feel hungry.. How do you stop the buying loads of food and eating it all thing? I know if I eat or choose to buy food it will be a ridiculous amount. :sigh:
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    Good news!

    Reading's nutrition courses go off of educational merit, not ED's.
    Yayyyy! You should celebrate
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    I've never personally experienced one, but a guy I used to be with had one. I tried writing down here some things he would do, but it's incredibly upsetting and I don't want to put anyone in here in a bad place emotionally.

    So I will just leave it as saying that although I can't empathise, I can see how eating disorders absolutely do take over your life.

    I hope you all find the strength to recover, that you're not afraid to ask for help, and I hope one day you can have a happy, healthy relationship with food and with yourselves. Good luck.
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    Good news!

    Reading's nutrition courses go off of educational merit, not ED's.
    Thumbs up to Antiaris!
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    Great to see such a level of positivity in the house today!! Brill-o-pad!

    Everyone's mentioning how much healthier I look and how much more vitality I have. I'm nearly 7.5 stones now which is a full 10lb since I started recovery, though when I see myself in pictures it seems so much more!

    Look at the difference between my lowest point, then me about three months ago, then me yesterday, trying out my Halloween gear!

    http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphot..._8018865_n.jpg


    http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphot...0_163028_n.jpg



    http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphot...97324208_n.jpg
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    Hi there. :sexface:

    It was lovely seeing those pictures, but I didn't see the 10lbs between them - I saw how much happier you look now. Without trying to sound like your mother, I'm so unbelievably proud. :hugs:
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    Hi again all, just confused as when I last posted I said I lost a stone and a half in a bout a week and a half when I was ill then lost a few more pounds when the doc weighed me a few days later.

    However 8 days on and I have gained about 10 pounds which worries me(since I am overweight so not trying to gain)

    It COULD be like I said before that when I was ill I cut out my sugary drinks and pretty much most sugary items out of my diet unless I didnt know it was in there i.e ready meals. yet in the last 8 days I have had sugary drinks most days and had a can of relentless twice this week, a jam donut Monday and shared half a pizza and small kebab with my friend last night.

    So like I say the week and half when I lost weight I had no sugary drinks, the week I gain almost a stone was when I had sugary drinks.

    Any link here? Also noticed that since I went back to sugar I feel more tired when I wake up so sleep a bit more and also go to bed later!!
    • #44
    #44

    Hey guys, lurker here.

    Do any of you remember how your disordered eating started? I'm worried that I might be getting into unhealthy habits with my weight loss.

    Spoiler contains BMIs and weight loss behaviours...
    Spoiler:
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    I started at a BMI of around 23.5, but looking chubbier because I've got very little muscle mass. I'm now at 20.6 but still feel just as chubby. I can't foresee myself ever being happy with my body, even when I look at pictures of girls at the same weight as me and think they look lovely and slim.

    I think about food all the time, planning out what I'm having for my next meal etc. I count all my calories, and since I've been trying not to go over 1200 or so for the last 5 or 6 months, I don't feel like I'll be able to go back to eating at maintenance when I reach a nice weight. I feel like more than 350 calories a meal is way too much, and I've been eating half-portions to keep under what I feel is too much (one Weetabix for breakfast, half a jacket potato for lunch etc). If I eat more than that I feel bloated and fat.

    I've increasingly been having thoughts about purging, haven't done it yet but it's really tempting. Even after having my one Weetabix with a splash of skimmed milk this morning, I thought about getting rid of it.

    I spend loads of my free time on weight loss forums and Tumblrs, or doing things just to avoid snacking (painting my nails, working in the library to avoid being near my kitchen etc). I just feel worried that it's starting to take over my life.


    Don't know really what I hope to achieve by typing that all out...knocking some sense into me maybe?
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Great to see such a level of positivity in the house today!! Brill-o-pad!

    Everyone's mentioning how much healthier I look and how much more vitality I have. I'm nearly 7.5 stones now which is a full 10lb since I started recovery, though when I see myself in pictures it seems so much more!

    Look at the difference between my lowest point, then me about three months ago, then me yesterday, trying out my Halloween gear!
    Bloody hell toto. O_o. wouldnt like to meet you down a dark alley in that outfit!
    • #29
    #29

    Things are getting a bit out of hand. Spoilered because it's uncensored ED behaviour/triggery
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    For the past week I've been purging almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I've also pretty much been binging every lunchtime, purging, and then missing dinner to compensate. However today I tried to eat normally, I really did, and all that happened was that I ate breakfast and lunch, went for dinner in the uni caf for the first time all week because I wanted to see people, but then came back and my head went 'Hey, you just ate dinner! Too much!', and I purged. I've had disordered eating on and off for the last 5 years, but I'm not sure my bulimic tendencies have got as bad as this before.. think this latest period was induced by a variety of things, such as mum casually mentioning 'you probably want to get rid of some of the clothes in your wardrobe that don't fit you any more, you know, the ones from when you were really skinny (i.e. when I was at the worst of my anorexia)., and also the fact that a guy I was once really good friends with/was seeing has decided to start ignoring me, so a stupid little voice in my head is going 'it's because you're fat. He doesn't want to talk to you because you're just not as good as all his hot attractive friends'. Which is silly. I know he's been super busy at the moment, although to be honest it is starting to seem like there's something more to it other than busy-ness, even to my rational side...
    I know I need to sort this out - it's so destructive and dangerous, however in my head, I'm not ILL, so I also see no point in talking to someone about it - I feel like they won't understand, or are just going to label me as attention seeking. I'm also not sure I can open up to anyone about this. I've never even told my best best friend about any of my disordered eating over the past 5 years, just because it's such a private thing, and I can't admit that my life isn't normal. So yeah... just looking for a bit of advice really. How can I stop that little stupid voice in my head? How can I perhaps attempt to open up to someone without feeling labelled, judged or ridiculed? How can I sort my life out? Because I know I need to do something, just deciding what to do is hard..
    • #50
    #50

    Toto, you are very attractive. :blush:
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    Anonymous 29, I think it's important to find a confidant. Someone you know and trust. Perhaps it's your mum or dad, maybe a close friend. Someone who can understand your means and methods. But you also need a third party. Someone who doesn't know you at a personal level - like for example, someone on this forum! Together, when you state your issues and problems, you'll find you get a good insight into why these people believe you've found yourself in the situation... but I MUST state first and foremost - you NEED... NEED to tell someone. You MUST say to someone.

    By releasing your anxieties to someone else you will learn to vocalise your problems and scrutinise them in a way that internally, you may not have. But the problem is of course taking step one, and that's telling the very first person.

    It's difficult, nay- Seemingly IMPOSSIBLE to consider at first, but trust me, your problems are by no means silly or worthless. You deserve, just as much as any other individual, the right to voice your thoughts and fears and nothing ED-related should be viewed irrational.

    Please PM me if you need to take the first step and talk in-depth.


    Anonymous 50, I am extraordinarily flattered and now have a face resembling pickled beetroot.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey guys, lurker here.

    Do any of you remember how your disordered eating started? I'm worried that I might be getting into unhealthy habits with my weight loss.

    Spoiler contains BMIs and weight loss behaviours...
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I started at a BMI of around 23.5, but looking chubbier because I've got very little muscle mass. I'm now at 20.6 but still feel just as chubby. I can't foresee myself ever being happy with my body, even when I look at pictures of girls at the same weight as me and think they look lovely and slim.

    I think about food all the time, planning out what I'm having for my next meal etc. I count all my calories, and since I've been trying not to go over 1200 or so for the last 5 or 6 months, I don't feel like I'll be able to go back to eating at maintenance when I reach a nice weight. I feel like more than 350 calories a meal is way too much, and I've been eating half-portions to keep under what I feel is too much (one Weetabix for breakfast, half a jacket potato for lunch etc). If I eat more than that I feel bloated and fat.

    I've increasingly been having thoughts about purging, haven't done it yet but it's really tempting. Even after having my one Weetabix with a splash of skimmed milk this morning, I thought about getting rid of it.

    I spend loads of my free time on weight loss forums and Tumblrs, or doing things just to avoid snacking (painting my nails, working in the library to avoid being near my kitchen etc). I just feel worried that it's starting to take over my life.


    Don't know really what I hope to achieve by typing that all out...knocking some sense into me maybe?
    Absolutely monumental post, the last main query I'll be able to answer for a while. Read if you wish.
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    First off, actual bloating is caused by us not eating ENOUGH. Even if you're sitting on your backside all day, 1200 isn't enough! You will honestly be fine having whole portions. And you're at an amazing BMI right now, you don't need to reach a good weight, you're at one! I'm glad you haven't purged, it's really not worth its drastic consequences.
    Incidentally if you're feeling "chubby" right now, it's most likely from an insufficient protein intake and-you've guessed it-fats, particularly Essential Fatty Acids. You just can't metabolise protein without fat, it's that simple! As 1500 is a typical Basal Metabolic rate, below 1500 cals most of the weight loss is from muscle rather than fat, so from a health perspective it's counterproductive. That's why all the fitness experts recommend having a MINIMUM of 1500 while dieting, but doing some form of exercise as well. In particular for building muscle mass, some strength training. Loads of people go wrong by doing loads of cardio and no resistance exercise to compensate. You're better on the Fitness sticky for that, I'm no pro. And it's more like 2000 cals just to maintain. I've found an article on it that might help, but I warn you it's incredibly blunt and could be incredibly triggering, so PM me for it if you really want. Point being, you can afford to eat more.
    Personally though, I think it's you being hard on yourself and not looking past your body to the real you. Health and fitness mean nothing if you make yourself miserable doing it. Using other activities to avoid snacks you don't want isn't particularly bad, but I'd say you're approaching the point of obsession if you're spending loads of time on weight loss forums or stressing out over whether to have the snack or not. And feeling guilty unless you have half portions is definitely disordered eating thoughts. Treats in moderation don't hamper weight loss efforts, it's consistent bingeing.
    At the end of the day, you need to try and remember why you're choosing to lose weight-if it's for any reason other than to improve your health and well-being, you might want to reconsider. And again, I wouldn't really say you'd even need to lose weight. You'd be far better off maintaining while trying to build some muscle mass with some cardio to keep your heart in good shape.

    Finally, seems as though you were interested, a pretty comprehensive view of my “disordered” life. It was about time I explained my background…
    You could say my disordered eating started eight years ago when my naïve younger self believed that a girl who rejected me because I'm "not fit" was anything other than a shallow and incredibly conceited individual. I'm Dyspraxic which has always made me feel inferior because of difficulties in both gross and fine motor control and co-ordination (my handwriting's barely legible and it took years for me to learn how to catch a ball). Needless to say this made PE a pretty awkward time for me and kids eventually started to label me as the "spaz" so I struggled to keep in shape and grew increasingly introverted and insecure. (People’s apathy and demonising of those with physical and mental disabilities is hideously shocking, and I’ve always been strongly against discrimination of any form. Perhaps in me being disabled that has a selfish ulterior motive, but I hope others benefit from that support as well). Like many kids I used to love my food, chocolate and sweets and turned to them instead to fill that void of loneliness, and over the years this made me very overweight-soon I could barely run. I lived in blissful ignorance of that fact throughout my early childhood, but hitting puberty and that cruel incident was like a slap in the face and I've had poor body image and been battling depression ever since.
    For the most part I managed to deal with it through a healthy diet and consistent exercise (particularly weights! Can't stress how much they help keep your bones nice and strong as well as the rest of your body) in a process I used to refer to as the “Regime”. My appetite was still huge but that only helped me grow stronger and fitter, so generally didn’t do much damage. I still felt lonely, but the working-out seemed to make me more attractive to girls, so I felt it was of even greater necessity to look good when I supposedly had nothing else of interest for them. My secondary school years had been a bit crazy, balancing obsession with the Regime-because at the end of the day that’s what it was, an obsessive and structured life routine-with dealing with my raging hormones and pretty much everyone else’s. In hindsight, I took on too much and became everyone’s secret-keeper, being the Agony Uncle for everything from petty teen bickerings and rivalries to stuff a bit more burdening including a young mother, a girl with Aspergers, a friend contemplating suicide to one who actually did nearly die, through anorexia. How I managed to juggle this with trying to find my own place in high school while dealing with depressive thoughts and Social Anxiety, as well as doing as well academically as possible-because again I had to, I felt it was the only way to justify my worth to the family compared to my high-flying Einsteinian brother and my socially elite dancing sister-I’ve no idea, but I did. It was how I coped, just “getting on with it” and pretending I was invincible so no-one would notice how insecure I really felt. Having genuine interests-like good books, films, history, and particularly a passion for the Arts and all forms of music, as well as a slightly obsessive love for exotic recipes-certainly helped. The problem now is I feel like I’ve lost my personality, and only have these medical conditions to define me.
    Two years ago things got completely out of hand. My parents got divorced and I struggled with the GCSEs. Still managed to do reasonably well, but throughout the AS Levels I was the sibling left to get Dad back on his feet from his depression while Mum recovered and found a new partner pretty quickly. Trying to cope with the broken home put me out of touch with the ever-changing social scene at college and it seemed that my friends were out becoming young adults, having the time of their lives and making successful relationships while I was still a 10-year old in a 17-year old’s body. Being alienated in my college’s amateur dramatics productions and struggling with what was expected a full-time summer job only made me feel even more of a child. Sometimes last year I just snapped and decided I had to become a man, and if that couldn’t be really done by improving my assertiveness and self-confidence mentally, I’d have to sculpt a “manly” physique. And I chose to do that in the worst way possible by working a calorie deficit while overtraining in the gym until I tore my chest open and could barely walk. To this day I’m still paranoid of these “chest pains” and any strenuous exercise despite its complete healing and a full check-up by both doctor and cardiologist.
    Unfortunately it wasn't quite as simple as losing weight through lowering calories. During my primary school years I was also training with a first aid group, so from an early age I was aware of the importance of keeping healthy and fit, and some of the horrific potential consequences of obesity and various other conditions. I wasn’t just getting the usual stuff about how your Five-a-Day and playing outside rather than staying in all the time could help you be a happier and smarter child-I was witnessing demonstrations of people having heart attacks and strokes from Year 4. It’s been invaluable knowledge that perhaps for someone less obsessive and literally-minded would just have put them in good stead for their lives, but in hindsight I was probably too young, emotionally immature and fragile to be made so aware of my own mortality.
    More recent knowledge in the past few years of my nan previously having a stroke, my granddad suffering Myasthenia Gravis and just a few months ago my uncle having a seizure has made me pretty concerned for my own health. I began to try and balance an anorexic desire to be as lean and fit as possible regardless of the consequences with not causing my body significant damage, which meant bombarding myself with nutritional information on everything from the Glycaemic Index to ratios of Omega-3 EFAs relative to Omega 6s. I’ve ended up with a perverse mixture of anorexia and orthorexia and a fear of eating anything because if I think hard enough, everything will be able to cause some harm. This past fortnight it’s been the belief of cardiac arrest from hyperkalemia, excess potassium in the bloodstream at toxic levels. I’ve decided the only solution is to emancipate myself entirely from any behaviours by letting Mum cook the meals and eating whatever's put in front of me, which you can guess has left me pretty paranoid.
    In the process of trying to prolong my life, I’ve ironically ended up with an irrational and all-consuming fear of death largely surrounding my heart, multiple anxiety disorders and panic attacks that have took me to the hospital for full medical check-ups as recently as this week, and the closest I’ve come to clinical depression with suicidal thoughts in my life. Yet my appetite from the hey-days of the Regime when I was at the peak of my fitness is still there and the craving for that big bowl of pasta or extra-cheesy pizza is now marred by a marked awareness of all the “damage” that saturated fat and poor protein-to-fat ratio that slice could do. I can cover it with good company, but as if by magic the food is lethal once I'm alone. Guess it's just the rebound of food having been one of my few trusted friends for so many years that now it's my enemy. The only good that’s come out of it is that at least I’ve felt physically incapable of running a high enough deficit to really do some damage and only managed to get to the borderline anorexic BMI of 17.5.
    The mental scars may remain for quite a while yet and are opening quite quickly with the beginning of university. I'm staying at home and just commuting-for the time being, I feel it's a necessity. Studies are more important than indulging in my stupid rituals.

    I guess the purpose of this was to point out how easy it can be for a healthy desire to lose weight and get in shape to turn into something all-consuming and potentially fatal. Please, please remember you are a person before a dieter first and foremost. I wish you all the best in your efforts towards a healthier you.
    Tom
    :hugs:
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    Toto, thought it was just me lurking in the food forum with an ED, glad to see it's not (:
    Without trying to sound patronizing, I'm so pleased at how far you've come


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    Meh, I was diagnosed with anorexia binge purge subtype three years ago, after a lot of misunderstanding from my parents (force feeding, trying to 'stamp it out' of me etc) I got some seriously good counselling, which ultimately stopped me going into hospital, relapses are still common though, as are masssive binge/purge sessions :/
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    Lookin' good Toto! Love seeing you look so happy

    I may chicken out and take this photo off at some point, but for a sec, here is me the other night....


    Trying to focus on the fact that I was feeling well and energetic and happy rather than the fact that I have been putting on rather than loosing weight
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    [QUOTE=Cinamon;34696134]Lookin' good Toto! Love seeing you look so happy

    I may chicken out and take this photo off at some point, but for a sec, here is me the other night....


    Trying to focus on the fact that I was feeling well and energetic and happy rather than the fact that I have been putting on rather than loosing weight [spoiler]

    Cinamon, you still look tiiiny there! Although everyone on here is timy compared to me. in other news I've bought a dress for my 18th. It doesnt have sleeves , and I'll look crap in the photoseveryone takes that end up on facebook, but I'll probably be so tiddly i wont care :/
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    Cinamon, you still look tiiiny there! Although everyone on here is timy compared to me. in other news I've bought a dress for my 18th. It doesnt have sleeves , and I'll look crap in the photoseveryone takes that end up on facebook, but I'll probably be so tiddly i wont care :/
    could you delete the link pls snow

    I really don't
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    Cinamon, you're so beautiful!! You're so wickle-wee, but you smile shows me you mean business and you want to have a proper, healthy life. Remember how you felt when the photo was taken and the distilled joy you felt, and imagine that feeling perpetually!

    Snowflake, stay strong. Your positive mindset is your greatest asset and healthy mind is like the tremor that starts the avalanche to a healthy body, healthy lifestyle, and a healthy future!!


    Let's remember why we post on here and our recovery - but let us also remember that we are not machines sometimes. We laugh, we cry, and we are human. We screw up, we kid ourselves, make mistakes and occasionally progress blips. But that is nothing! A blip is but a blip. What is a day in the scope of the duration that is your lifetime? A droplet in the ocean.

    I am so proud of everyone.
    • #44
    #44

    Hey guys, can I have some advice about a friend? She slipped into conversation last night that she's got an appointment with an eating disorder therapist...I'd kind of suspected something was up as she used to be painfully thin and survive off coffee, and then recently she's put on a fair bit of weight (still looks beautiful and healthy but more like a size 12 than the 6 she used to be). I didn't want to push it too much, so I just said if she needs anyone to talk to then I'm here.

    This morning she texted me saying her therapist said that part of the therapy is being more open about it, hence slipping it into conversation, and that it felt "kinda weird".

    Is there anything I should do or just reassure her that I'm here if she needs me? I assume I should try and avoid the subjects of weight loss and calories (I'm losing weight at the moment) around her?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey guys, can I have some advice about a friend? She slipped into conversation last night that she's got an appointment with an eating disorder therapist...I'd kind of suspected something was up as she used to be painfully thin and survive off coffee, and then recently she's put on a fair bit of weight (still looks beautiful and healthy but more like a size 12 than the 6 she used to be). I didn't want to push it too much, so I just said if she needs anyone to talk to then I'm here.

    This morning she texted me saying her therapist said that part of the therapy is being more open about it, hence slipping it into conversation, and that it felt "kinda weird".

    Is there anything I should do or just reassure her that I'm here if she needs me? I assume I should try and avoid the subjects of weight loss and calories (I'm losing weight at the moment) around her?
    You are perhaps one of the best friends a person could have!

    Yes, say that you are there for her. Listen to her. That's all you need to do. Don't PURPOSEFULLY avoid talking about calories and such, just don't make it an overriding theme of conversation. Simple.


    Toto, lookin good man. More human assassin, less skeleton! (Halloween theme an all.) Carry on like that and you will be a hero to your lil' nephew! (I'm guessing it's a nephew on your knee in the first pic?)[Shoot me now if it's a niece...]


    I think I might post a pre and post recovery weight photo's. I don't care if I look chunky or not, people say I look good but I still see chub. >__> Meh. The key is to to not care.


    Tip to all; If you try to gain you have to face fear food. No questions. It is IMPOSSIBLE to gain simply on fruit and veg I have found...
 
 
 
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