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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    What IS normality?

    What IS the norm?

    I would LOVE someone to pipe up with a numerical value for it, be it a dress size, height, weight, or some other dimension which dictates a template to which we should be. Because if you should find this magical number, tell me who it was that dictated or determined that number in the first place.

    How heavy/tall/grey should an elephant be? Is a centipede with two extra legs a disgusting abomination or an exceptional miracle?

    I might seem like I am being abstract here, but think about it.

    The only thing we have in common is we are all human beings, right? That's it. The rest of it, we're unique. TOTALLY unique.

    "I should be ten stone, I am eleven stone. I must be overweight."

    No - eleven stone is perfect for a Billy/Joanne/Mick or whoever you are. You are the perfect representation and version of who you are, not necessarily WHAT you are.
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    "The flesh is temporary, the soul is eternal."
    Vide Infra-Killswitch Engage
    • #44
    #44

    (Original post by Riku)
    "The flesh is temporary, the soul is eternal."
    Vide Infra-Killswitch Engage
    "You don't have a Soul. You are a Soul. You have a body." - C.S. Lewis

    You are not your body, you are not defined by your body, you are not judged by your body. Your body can change without you being a different person.
    • #50
    #50

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    What's wrong with me when "only" purging once a day feels like an achievement?

    ...Also, I want to cut my arms. Badly.
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    Still don't understand why I feel so strange when eating sometimes. Kinda like a rush to the head, dizziness or a stabbing pain through the skull, blurry vision and a sense of dissociation from the surroundings really, and I don't always know whether I'm hungry or full or not, the only indicator comes before the meal or once I'm uncomfortably full. Am I getting so worked up about the simple act of feeding that breakfast is enough to send me into fight-or-flight? :
    I refuse to believe this is the result of too big a breakfast sending me into insulin overload, or feeling the effects of raising cholesterol or diabetes or any of this friggin bull**** I come up with anymore that wants to give any old excuse for me to give up on all of this hard work. Why can it not be simply that I'm a bit tired or a bit stressed and not feeling that hungry today?
    Spoiler:
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    Crap, I just mini-binged. Steak and kidney pie as part of this week's "exposure therapy" which was surprisingly enjoyable (heating it makes such a difference to the taste!), then a Greggs Toffee Yum-Yum because it'd bee on my mind for about a fortnight now (but that was actually terrible), then as if to compensate I bought a tuna jacket but the cook added cheese and it just threw me overboard. So I say "binge" when really it was 4 meals and a shoddy sweet, but the fact I'm eating when I don't really want to and when I'm not terribly hungry bugs me. It's a recurring pattern. I don't want recovery to spiral out of control and exposures to just become a new form of SH to restriction.

    I now know for a fact, though, that part of my fears derive from unfounded prejudices. In all the time I've been a healthy eater and wanting to keep fit, never until this year has there been a sense of moral failure attached to eating more junky stuff. It wasn't until I started looking at pie as something beneath me that I grew genuinely afraid of having it. I don't like that pomposity, there's no neexd to feel so self-righteous, we're only human after all. So munching on a nice hot pie on the bus in it was, and that felt pretty goood.
    • #10
    #10

    I have a question, although it may seem stupid.

    I spent last night bingeing and purging. Sometimes Im so tired after, but its not just tiredness its extraordinary tiredness and Ive ended up sleeping 22 hours after.
    Why is this? Just because its major strain on the body or is there another biochemical/endocrine reason why?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I have a question, although it may seem stupid.

    I spent last night bingeing and purging. Sometimes Im so tired after, but its not just tiredness its extraordinary tiredness and Ive ended up sleeping 22 hours after.
    Why is this? Just because its major strain on the body or is there another biochemical/endocrine reason why?

    I guess it could also be because you lose fluids when you purge, and that in turn lowers your electrolite balance, meaning that you are very tired.
    • #10
    #10

    (Original post by Annie72)
    I guess it could also be because you lose fluids when you purge, and that in turn lowers your electrolite balance, meaning that you are very tired.
    Yeh I suppose that could be it.

    Its just such a different tiredness. Like if you have had a hard day at uni or work, and have further study to do even if you are tired, you can work through it.

    But with this tiredness following purging, I cant even stand up.

    I am seeking help btw I have 2 CBT appointments per week. But because there isnt a time at the moment that Im not eating without purging (I know it sounds ridiculous, but Im right in the depths of this at the moment) Im really worried about what the hell thats doing to my blood chemistry.

    The fact im getting this excessive fatigue and stabbing pains in my hands and feet. Isnt doing anything to lessen the worry
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    Bear in mind to purge you are literally inducing ALL of your torso muscles to convulse in a way that makes them work in reverse.

    Imagine forcing the Jack in the Box lever backwards, with how much it rips the internal mechanism to bits, and how much tension builds up inside. Now imagine you're constantly doing that to your body, except inside that Jack in the Box is acidic peptic acids too.

    You're forcing your body to jerkily use its mechanisms backwards, opening one-way valves the wrong way and moving muscles in ways they shouldn't. No wonder you're knackered physically.

    Chemically, as stated, your electrolytes are probably fran-bamboozled too.
    • #10
    #10

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Bear in mind to purge you are literally inducing ALL of your torso muscles to convulse in a way that makes them work in reverse.

    Imagine forcing the Jack in the Box lever backwards, with how much it rips the internal mechanism to bits, and how much tension builds up inside. Now imagine you're constantly doing that to your body, except inside that Jack in the Box is acidic peptic acids too.

    You're forcing your body to jerkily use its mechanisms backwards, opening one-way valves the wrong way and moving muscles in ways they shouldn't. No wonder you're knackered physically.

    Chemically, as stated, your electrolytes are probably fran-bamboozled too.
    I know :sad:

    The only good thing about this is, previously I would purge anything without thinking about it. It was abnormal not to. And although I still have a long way to go, at least I now see this is abnormal and as something that needs to change....I feel guilty for doing it. I feel bad for damaging my body. Before I didnt give a ****.

    I just wish I could manage to keep some food down because 1) its making me so tired for the reasons we have discussed and 2) my weight is dropping.

    Im not sure how I feel about the second part. For the first time Im questioning whether that is what I want at all. Its weird after having focussed on that for so so long.

    Its 4 years in January that Ive not had a normal eating pattern and Id say 2 years since things got really bad.

    I mean, to anyone having CBT or IPT....how many appointments or what sort of time frame was it before you saw an improvement?

    i guess everyone is different, Im just worried its not going to work. I wouldnt want to stay like this !!
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    Is there any one here who has diabetes as well as an eating disorder?
    • #30
    #30

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I have a question, although it may seem stupid.

    I spent last night bingeing and purging. Sometimes Im so tired after, but its not just tiredness its extraordinary tiredness and Ive ended up sleeping 22 hours after.
    Why is this? Just because its major strain on the body or is there another biochemical/endocrine reason why?
    I don't know the science behind it really, but b/ping exhausts me too. I too sleep and sleep and sleep, have done 24hrs sometimes. I find it hard to wake up normally.

    I guess the electrolyte imbalances, strain on the body, dehydration? idk
    • #10
    #10

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't know the science behind it really, but b/ping exhausts me too. I too sleep and sleep and sleep, have done 24hrs sometimes. I find it hard to wake up normally.

    I guess the electrolyte imbalances, strain on the body, dehydration? idk
    I wish I knew who you were anon as Im exactly the same. My flatmate has come into my room before to check to see if in all honesty Im ok and not comatose. Because I have slept for that long (he knows everything)

    Its annoying when I have OTHER things I should be doign that are MORE important. I know what I WANT to do I just cant seem to be able to do it.
    • #50
    #50

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I wish I knew who you were anon as Im exactly the same. My flatmate has come into my room before to check to see if in all honesty Im ok and not comatose. Because I have slept for that long (he knows everything)

    Its annoying when I have OTHER things I should be doign that are MORE important. I know what I WANT to do I just cant seem to be able to do it.
    Spoiler:
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    This week has been a blur (and last week too actually) because I've just spent it b/ping and sleeping. Today was better because I only did it twice, and only "small" amounts. Then again, I've got nothing atm (no uni, no work) and I'm depressed on top of that. Yay
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    Fishcake, McCains (missed them more than I realised) and peas tonight, even with a chip butty! Alone in the house! I didn't even remember what a chip butty tasted like so that in itself was a wonder.
    I don't know where these sporadic bursts of exposures are coming from, frankly it scares me in case I end up wrecking my health after all, but I'm just getting so so sick of denying myself everything, food and play, and choosing to prolong a life of misery rather than risk a life with a bit of fun and a few laughs. Chip butty, Advent chocs, full fry-up, the pie and the Toffee Yum-Yum-where's it going to end? Two slices of cheesecake? Chocolate fudge? Telling myself that I'm just as damn good as those other kids in my year and perfectly capable in my own right even without having a pristine diet as if the very act of indulgence automatically made you the village idiot? Believing that I, who despite admittedly being out of top shape from lack of training still walks bloody everywhere and used to be a gym rat, am not going to keel over walking up the stairs because I had a burger sometime in the month when I find it quite plausible for my mates to get away with getting wrecked every other day and throwing in a Maccies with a cherry on top and remain f*****g prime athletes, because "they're not me"? Who knows where it'll end? The fear, that exhilirating feeling of being alive, it's kinda thrilling.
    Now if I'd move this from being about getting essentially cheap thrills from food and start taking action against unhealthy workaholism to allow myself to make the most of the next four potentially amazing years, we'd truly be getting somewhere. I think this'll do for now.
    • #44
    #44

    Who was it that recommended "Monkey Taming" a few pages ago? I asked for it for my birthday and haven't been able to put it down...I don't have an ED myself but I have friends with EDs, and I want to do further study on the psychology of eating. I don't know how accurate the book's portrayal of the experience of having an ED is, but it's heart-wrenching. Wishing you all the best of luck with recovery :hugs:
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    Sometimes I struggle to appreciate how people with disorders can articulate their problems perfectly, yet still aren't able to fix them. The phrase of Nike springs to mind, but I know that is harsh. I would not have made a good shrink
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    (Original post by ned0)
    Sometimes I struggle to appreciate how people with disorders can articulate their problems perfectly, yet still aren't able to fix them. The phrase of Nike springs to mind, but I know that is harsh. I would not have made a good shrink
    One of the most frustrating things about this illness is that you feel on the edge of death 99% of the time, but you know exactly what will make you feel better - you're the only thing stopping you from doing it.
    • #50
    #50

    (Original post by ned0)
    Sometimes I struggle to appreciate how people with disorders can articulate their problems perfectly, yet still aren't able to fix them. The phrase of Nike springs to mind, but I know that is harsh. I would not have made a good shrink
    It's weird, but I feel detached from my body... Like I am someone analysing myself from a great distance. When it comes down to it, I don't feel like it's me having the problem, as weird as it sounds.
    • #50
    #50

    (Original post by Riku)
    Fishcake, McCains (missed them more than I realised) and peas tonight, even with a chip butty! Alone in the house! I didn't even remember what a chip butty tasted like so that in itself was a wonder.
    I don't know where these sporadic bursts of exposures are coming from, frankly it scares me in case I end up wrecking my health after all, but I'm just getting so so sick of denying myself everything, food and play, and choosing to prolong a life of misery rather than risk a life with a bit of fun and a few laughs. Chip butty, Advent chocs, full fry-up, the pie and the Toffee Yum-Yum-where's it going to end? Two slices of cheesecake? Chocolate fudge? Telling myself that I'm just as damn good as those other kids in my year and perfectly capable in my own right even without having a pristine diet as if the very act of indulgence automatically made you the village idiot? Believing that I, who despite admittedly being out of top shape from lack of training still walks bloody everywhere and used to be a gym rat, am not going to keel over walking up the stairs because I had a burger sometime in the month when I find it quite plausible for my mates to get away with getting wrecked every other day and throwing in a Maccies with a cherry on top and remain f*****g prime athletes, because "they're not me"? Who knows where it'll end? The fear, that exhilirating feeling of being alive, it's kinda thrilling.
    Now if I'd move this from being about getting essentially cheap thrills from food and start taking action against unhealthy workaholism to allow myself to make the most of the next four potentially amazing years, we'd truly be getting somewhere. I think this'll do for now.
    Last night on TV I saw a skinny and very athletic woman eat a slice of chocolate cake. I was like :daydreaming:
    It's bullcrap that you should never be allowed to indulge, food is too amazing to deny yourself all of it! Well done
 
 
 
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