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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

    • #13
    #13

    This disease has really perfected my art of being a deceptive little *****, I have always been the one to be so truthful to people since I value honesty but this, this just contradicts everything. I am sick of it all but at the same time I do not want help since I am so terrified, so terrified of losing the control and so terrified of reverting back to that obese disgusting person that I once was even though I still see that person now it doesn't make sense. I have locked myself away today because I broke down after seeing myself in the mirror, I am disgusting, I am hideous, I cannot simply let people look at this face or this body they would be revolted, I am revolting... the urge to cut myself is growing and I am trying so desperately to stop but I don't know how to handle these feelings especially when I numb any emotion down.

    You guys are all so strong and I wish I could be a fraction as strong as you but I'm not.... and Toto it's reassuring to see someone else who suffers from an ED and BDD, it's such a vicious cycle.
    • #19
    #19

    Hey rather than making a new post i thought i'd post on this thread. I'm struggling a little at the moment as i had a meeting with my counsellor and a GP the other day and i was told my potassium levels are most likely too low (due to the bulimia) and that i need to re-do my blood tests again, i had some done about 3 weeks ago and they came back slightly lower than average. The GP also explained the effects of this and although i knew it could lead to heart failure, being told that i was at risk of it really worried me as it felt personal.

    I have booked the tests for tuesday and because i'm so scared of the results i've gone back to restricting, counting, weighing everything to make sure i don't eat too much and get rid of it. I know i shouldn't be doing this but i really want the results to come back negative and i know i should be eating more but all thats going round in my head is that if i do i'll throw up, my potassium levels will drop.

    I feel incredibly stuck in a cycle and its really starting to un-nerve me!!
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    To the first anon, you are not disgusting. You probably do as I do and scratch and scrape at the skin on your body, pulling at it thinking it's pure fat. In my brief periods of sanity and clarity I can determine that this is in fact just loose skin I'm tugging at, but all the rest of the time, it's "blubber". I scrutinise with the utmost intensity.

    We look at our bodies day to day with different views each time like we've somehow morphed into something entirely different overnight! The scale says you gained .2 of a pound. So when you look again in the mirror - despite having just looked previously and thought you were having a "good day", now you're seeing that .2 of a pound. There it is. Sticking out there on my bum. On my stomach. On my face. Disgusting.

    Disgusting, but completely dysmorphic! You didn't change in the past ten minutes but your ED tells you otherwise.
    • #18
    #18

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This disease has really perfected my art of being a deceptive little *****, I have always been the one to be so truthful to people since I value honesty but this, this just contradicts everything. I am sick of it all but at the same time I do not want help since I am so terrified, so terrified of losing the control and so terrified of reverting back to that obese disgusting person that I once was even though I still see that person now it doesn't make sense. I have locked myself away today because I broke down after seeing myself in the mirror, I am disgusting, I am hideous, I cannot simply let people look at this face or this body they would be revolted, I am revolting... the urge to cut myself is growing and I am trying so desperately to stop but I don't know how to handle these feelings especially when I numb any emotion down.

    You guys are all so strong and I wish I could be a fraction as strong as you but I'm not.... and Toto it's reassuring to see someone else who suffers from an ED and BDD, it's such a vicious cycle.


    i was the anonymous last night thanks for the advice guys but i just cannot eat today after consuming about 3000 calories yesterday probabbly more as i will gain weight which wont help matters but can i just say to this anonymous omg you sound like me ive finally got a lock on my room and ive just woken up a bit ago im hoping the day goes by without giving in to those around me and esating for their sake. stupid i know but dont ask. i like them to think they have control of me they luv me eating but not anymore im an adult i can say no and they shudnt think anything of it :mad:

    why are people so annoying? their habits etc? random
    • #18
    #18

    I'd be happier once ive lose the weight and got my ideal figure but why can't i just do it. why do i also have a love for food? i think it's boredom.
    • #18
    #18

    but i dont wnana loook pregnant anymore. so has to go. the weight. and sort my life out.

    im gonna also have to fake my moods like ive eaten and smile.
    • #18
    #18

    why can't i just not eat. it's like eating all of the food in the world isn't enough. the next day despite wanting to be slimmer i want crave die for food. wtf is up with this conflict. i think food is my only love and yet my worst body enemy too. i can't win.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Stupid irrational ED.
    I can't concentrate on revision so I'm going to see if there's anything in the house I can eat that won't freak me out. If I can't see the long term, I should at least eat for the short term. My exams. It's so damn hard but we can help each other?
    :hugs:
    I've been a bit better for the last few days thinking exactly that. Every morning I've planned what I'm going to eat very specifically, picking out all the least scary foods we have in the house (reduced fat cream crackers, rich tea biscuits, apples, fish, vegetables + eight glasses of water a day) and sticking to it even if I don't feel like it. I have to say it really has helped, I can concentrate so much better, so it really is worth it, even if only in the short-term!

    That said, a couple of hours ago my mum brought me in a Tesco Light Choices scotch pancake as a 'reward for working so hard' (aka she assumed I haven't eaten anything today and knows I'll feel guilty about throwing it a way if I think of it as a 'gift' rather than just food.) It took me about forty minutes to work myself up to eating it, and then it took me twenty minutes to actually eat it (divided it into 20 bites, one a minute.)

    So far so good, right? The problem is, one of my best friends then texted me 'Potatoes are easy!' I guess that only makes sense contextually: she's bulimic but very very attention seeking about it (I know it's a kick in the teeth to call a fellow ED an attention-seeker but if you knew her you'd understand, she really is) and over the years we've become very open about it together. I'll text her if I'm having trouble; she'll text me. I don't have a problem with her texting me if she's thinking about throwing up - obviously I want to dissuade her as much as I can - but since finding out that I've properly relapsed she's started texting me AFTER she's thrown up, making light of it e.g. 'Cheese and onion, not tasty. tehe.' I love her and she's had a tough time of it but I'm working so hard at getting better and then she texts me like that and it just puts it straight back at the forefront of my mind, like 'Ah, I feel bad about eating that scotch pancake, it is perfectly normal to purge now' even though I've spent the last hour telling myself that it's only 60 calories and very low in fat...

    Sorry for the rant but, I know it's an unhealthy friendship: if she texted me beforehand I'd have no problem helping her out, but when she texts me afterwards she just wants attention and it's becoming really damaging for me. What do I do?!
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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    I've been a bit better for the last few days thinking exactly that. Every morning I've planned what I'm going to eat very specifically, picking out all the least scary foods we have in the house (reduced fat cream crackers, rich tea biscuits, apples, fish, vegetables + eight glasses of water a day) and sticking to it even if I don't feel like it. I have to say it really has helped, I can concentrate so much better, so it really is worth it, even if only in the short-term!

    That said, a couple of hours ago my mum brought me in a Tesco Light Choices scotch pancake as a 'reward for working so hard' (aka she assumed I haven't eaten anything today and knows I'll feel guilty about throwing it a way if I think of it as a 'gift' rather than just food.) It took me about forty minutes to work myself up to eating it, and then it took me twenty minutes to actually eat it (divided it into 20 bites, one a minute.)

    So far so good, right? The problem is, one of my best friends then texted me 'Potatoes are easy!' I guess that only makes sense contextually: she's bulimic but very very attention seeking about it (I know it's a kick in the teeth to call a fellow ED an attention-seeker but if you knew her you'd understand, she really is) and over the years we've become very open about it together. I'll text her if I'm having trouble; she'll text me. I don't have a problem with her texting me if she's thinking about throwing up - obviously I want to dissuade her as much as I can - but since finding out that I've properly relapsed she's started texting me AFTER she's thrown up, making light of it e.g. 'Cheese and onion, not tasty. tehe.' I love her and she's had a tough time of it but I'm working so hard at getting better and then she texts me like that and it just puts it straight back at the forefront of my mind, like 'Ah, I feel bad about eating that scotch pancake, it is perfectly normal to purge now' even though I've spent the last hour telling myself that it's only 60 calories and very low in fat...

    Sorry for the rant but, I know it's an unhealthy friendship: if she texted me beforehand I'd have no problem helping her out, but when she texts me afterwards she just wants attention and it's becoming really damaging for me. What do I do?!
    I wouldn't say she's attention seeking, I'd say...

    You know when you have that little piece of information inside of you that is simply BURSTING to come out? Well maybe it's like that for her. She feels she needs to get it out but by texting you about it she is almost VALIDATING the vomiting, something that she shouldn't do to herself and something she shouldn't burden you with. By texting you, somebody she knows has an eating disorder, she thinks that it becomes 'okay' because it is then 'normal'.

    Tell her it isn't.
    • #13
    #13

    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    I've been a bit better for the last few days thinking exactly that. Every morning I've planned what I'm going to eat very specifically, picking out all the least scary foods we have in the house (reduced fat cream crackers, rich tea biscuits, apples, fish, vegetables + eight glasses of water a day) and sticking to it even if I don't feel like it. I have to say it really has helped, I can concentrate so much better, so it really is worth it, even if only in the short-term!

    That said, a couple of hours ago my mum brought me in a Tesco Light Choices scotch pancake as a 'reward for working so hard' (aka she assumed I haven't eaten anything today and knows I'll feel guilty about throwing it a way if I think of it as a 'gift' rather than just food.) It took me about forty minutes to work myself up to eating it, and then it took me twenty minutes to actually eat it (divided it into 20 bites, one a minute.)

    So far so good, right? The problem is, one of my best friends then texted me 'Potatoes are easy!' I guess that only makes sense contextually: she's bulimic but very very attention seeking about it (I know it's a kick in the teeth to call a fellow ED an attention-seeker but if you knew her you'd understand, she really is) and over the years we've become very open about it together. I'll text her if I'm having trouble; she'll text me. I don't have a problem with her texting me if she's thinking about throwing up - obviously I want to dissuade her as much as I can - but since finding out that I've properly relapsed she's started texting me AFTER she's thrown up, making light of it e.g. 'Cheese and onion, not tasty. tehe.' I love her and she's had a tough time of it but I'm working so hard at getting better and then she texts me like that and it just puts it straight back at the forefront of my mind, like 'Ah, I feel bad about eating that scotch pancake, it is perfectly normal to purge now' even though I've spent the last hour telling myself that it's only 60 calories and very low in fat...

    Sorry for the rant but, I know it's an unhealthy friendship: if she texted me beforehand I'd have no problem helping her out, but when she texts me afterwards she just wants attention and it's becoming really damaging for me. What do I do?!
    You have to think really hard about if you should perhaps distance yourself from her or keep her out of your life altogether, especially if she is a trigger in your recovery. Sometimes the right things to do are the most hard but it maybe necessary for your overall health. If you admire her so much and think you can get better with her in your life then that is fine but from what you are saying it seems not.
    • #20
    #20

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Hi everyone. My name is Toto, if you'd like to refer to me by my screen name; or Tommy, if you'd like my actual name. Either way, a name is merely a name, just as a tag is merely a tag. And unfortunately, I am tagged many a time.

    I am a 26 year old man. I'm also suffering from anorexia nervosa (restrictive type), obsessive-compulsive disorder, and multiple anxiety disorder.

    The social stigma associated with, especially anorexia, is not as forgiving with men, it seems. I believe it's because of the very erroneous, silly notion that people develop the disorder through a pursuit of vanity. Mine couldn't be further from that notion; psychologists determined my onset was triggered by being an over-achiever of sorts. I have an insatiable urge to complete life goals I set myself; I struggled to get to college, did so, struggled to get a top grade, did so, then struggled to get into university, did so, struggled again to get the best grades, and managed so. Whilst others gave up trying for the perfect job in such an enormously competitive industry - I strived, and I got the perfect job. Now, with nothing on the horizon, I effectively turned to creating silly daily goals - restricting calorie intake, "beating" what I did yesterday, doing one more sit-up, running one more mile. It has ravaged my body to near death at points.

    http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/photo..._6798.jpg?dl=1

    In university, I was a healthy weight, as pictured above. At 5' 7"/8", I weighed in around 125-130lbs. After my problems started, the weight obviously just dropped off to my lowest weight ever - just 91lb. That's a mere 6 stone 7. My muscles atrophied, I could hardly stand, my hair thinned, my concentration waned.

    http://img695.imageshack.us/img695/7...2399000570.jpg

    My days consist of getting up, eating a breakfast of 200 calories, doing around 250 situps, 10 minutes worth of abdominal planks, 300 press-ups, and other various exercises. I eat another meal of fish, steamed vegetables, mushrooms, salad - anything low calorie and filling - later in the day, followed by more exercise. Finally, I go to bed and allow myself a bowl of cereal - my "treat" for the day - and maybe a beer or two whilst I play some videogames. I never break my "calorie cap" of 1500 calories in the day.

    Trying hard, I have been trying to reach that cap, to channel my need to reach goals into a positive. My intention is that I can keep increasing it and reaching the goals in a positive way - one which helps me *gain* weight. It still scares me when the number on the scale goes up as it's synonymous with "losing" against my previous self; but I need to do this in order to *not die*. Which is always a good thing.

    I liken the disorder to a demon on your shoulder, creating a bubble around you. The frustrating thing is you *know* how to get better, but the demon talks you out of it. When you reach for the answer, the bubble stops you. But the bubble is a comfort. It is safe. It is known, accepted, quantifiable.

    With my new methods, I may not have gained much weight (I am just short of 93lb), but I feel a lot stronger day to day and my morale is up. My skin is also less jaundiced and everyone comments I look more full of life:

    http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/479...6853090570.jpg

    It's surprising how quickly your body retains fat and water when you've restricted so long - a terrifying prospect to someone with an eating disorder - but you must stick with it.


    I'd love to open up the floor now to all and any input here into this very diverse topic, to hear perhaps your own stories or any input or advice you can give myself, my peers and anyone else potentially developing one of these insidious conditions.

    All my love to everyone and the absolute best of luck in your own daily battles, regardless of what they may be!
    That's a very touching story. I don't have anorexia, but I have quite bad OCD, and your demon analogy is perfect for it. I'm terrified of catching diseases and I have to try and disinfect myself constantly, over and over again in case I've missed anything. It's horrible. I want to be normal. I want to be able to touch things without worrying I'll die, like everyone else can. But when I try to, the fear paralyses me.

    It's so difficult, especially trying to hide it from people. My friends know I have OCD but not to the extent. Luckily, it's getting better now. I started to worry less about contamination, and I now wash my hands a lot less than before. I take it slowly, one thing at a time. I'm almost back to 'normal' now. Anyone suffering from anything like this, it gets better. You can get through it. Good luck. xx
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    also ive never ever purged wantedd to tried but im too scared to and so not that type even though id love to but im too scared of the effects itl have omn my heart which is good the sounds and noises and as i said i think my reflex isnt as sensitive enough so never done that and succeeded
    DON'T purge. Just, don't.

    I'll tell you a little bit how I started (in the hope it may help you even the tiniest bit) I could never make myself sick, I always remember the first time I tried was when I was about 10/11 and I felt sick at a party but couldn't do it at all. It was over the years that every now and then I'd 'give it a try' just to see until I was about 14/15 and suddenly WHEWWW i had just been sick, it wasn't much, but still, it was some of my dinner. It was in the summer of school and it was over that summer that I 'developed my technique' in a way that I knew exactly the pressure point, the standing position, everything for purging anything
    It's when you first dive into bulimia that is the 'best' time & the ONLY nice part of this kind of ed, I felt fantastic when I was purging, it made me happy to have just eaten that meal with my friends and then making my self empty again, the 'nice' way to be. What I loved in particular about it was the happiness in knowing all the calories my friends had inside them that I had removed of and the fact they had ate more than me& they had no idea, it was my little secret
    Over the months the pounds dropped off as I purged my dinner and ate little or no food during the day but it was about six months into it that I realised the effects it's had on me, and as the months progress it just gets worse, over had it for a year an a half now and I have every kind of symptom associated with Ana and bulimia, my health is terrible
    And now, the purging isn't aomethign I enjoy it's just routine, a horrible self destructive routine that I don't know how to live without and redefine myself into a 'normal' person who doesn't do it, I just cant comprehend a life where you don't purge a meal which isn't to my low cal food standards

    Your heart definitely suffers love, as does your hair, skin, TEETH, nails, knuckles, oesophagus, taste receptors on your Tongue and your self esteem

    I know you didn't say you were going to do it, but I read that and it reminded me of myself before the ed
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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    I've been a bit better for the last few days thinking exactly that. Every morning I've planned what I'm going to eat very specifically, picking out all the least scary foods we have in the house (reduced fat cream crackers, rich tea biscuits, apples, fish, vegetables + eight glasses of water a day) and sticking to it even if I don't feel like it. I have to say it really has helped, I can concentrate so much better, so it really is worth it, even if only in the short-term!

    That said, a couple of hours ago my mum brought me in a Tesco Light Choices scotch pancake as a 'reward for working so hard' (aka she assumed I haven't eaten anything today and knows I'll feel guilty about throwing it a way if I think of it as a 'gift' rather than just food.) It took me about forty minutes to work myself up to eating it, and then it took me twenty minutes to actually eat it (divided it into 20 bites, one a minute.)

    So far so good, right? The problem is, one of my best friends then texted me 'Potatoes are easy!' I guess that only makes sense contextually: she's bulimic but very very attention seeking about it (I know it's a kick in the teeth to call a fellow ED an attention-seeker but if you knew her you'd understand, she really is) and over the years we've become very open about it together. I'll text her if I'm having trouble; she'll text me. I don't have a problem with her texting me if she's thinking about throwing up - obviously I want to dissuade her as much as I can - but since finding out that I've properly relapsed she's started texting me AFTER she's thrown up, making light of it e.g. 'Cheese and onion, not tasty. tehe.' I love her and she's had a tough time of it but I'm working so hard at getting better and then she texts me like that and it just puts it straight back at the forefront of my mind, like 'Ah, I feel bad about eating that scotch pancake, it is perfectly normal to purge now' even though I've spent the last hour telling myself that it's only 60 calories and very low in fat...

    Sorry for the rant but, I know it's an unhealthy friendship: if she texted me beforehand I'd have no problem helping her out, but when she texts me afterwards she just wants attention and it's becoming really damaging for me. What do I do?!
    *huggles*
    I think you should tell her. It's all very well being a good friend but if it's negatively impating on your recovery then I think you should distance yourself from her. It's not selfish. You have to keep yourself safe before you can help her. I think she thinks you understand and doesn't realise how badly it's affecting you? Does she tell you EVERY time she's purged? I think she's hoping you'll tell her it's ok so it doesn't feel so bad. You have to put yourself first hun. But try telling her how badly it affects you because chances are, she's stuck in her own ED bubble and doesn't realise that it's making you worse.
    Well done on the pancake btw! :hugs: I really want one now, it sounds nice! I should definately try and follow your lead.

    Still struggling. :erm: Actually did worse than yesterday today and I really tried. I had my cousin round and my mum made a huge meal but there was pretty much nothing I could eat except the rice. I wasn't even hungry but my cousin kept going on at me to take some of the rice so I took the smallest amount I could and couldn't bring myself to eat it and then he and my mum kept telling me it was getting cold and my mum was like 'don't be shy' (like that's going to help me eat!) and in the end I just took it to the kitchen and left it after having a forkful. I went to the corner shop a few minutes ago and got a chocolate bar but I feel sick and my head is hurting and my stomach is cramping and I'm so hungry but I'm too scared to eat anything. I don't know how chocolate can STILL be safe but a healthy meal can't. I think this is all related to the exams because I feel really scared and sick whenever I think about it. But the only thing that will make me feel less scared is revising and the only way I'll be able to concentrate on revision is by eating. But I don't know why I can't just get over this. I KNOW that my ED is taking advantage but I can't seem to help myself right now. It doesn't help that nobody seems to eat in this house. Right. It always takes posting on here to make things clearer.
    I'm going to find something. Food isn't bad, not eating is.
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    (Original post by laurenl93)
    DON'T purge. Just, don't.

    I'll tell you a little bit how I started (in the hope it may help you even the tiniest bit) I could never make myself sick, I always remember the first time I tried was when I was about 10/11 and I felt sick at a party but couldn't do it at all. It was over the years that every now and then I'd 'give it a try' just to see until I was about 14/15 and suddenly WHEWWW i had just been sick, it wasn't much, but still, it was some of my dinner. It was in the summer of school and it was over that summer that I 'developed my technique' in a way that I knew exactly the pressure point, the standing position, everything for purging anything
    It's when you first dive into bulimia that is the 'best' time & the ONLY nice part of this kind of ed, I felt fantastic when I was purging, it made me happy to have just eaten that meal with my friends and then making my self empty again, the 'nice' way to be. What I loved in particular about it was the happiness in knowing all the calories my friends had inside them that I had removed of and the fact they had ate more than me& they had no idea, it was my little secret
    Over the months the pounds dropped off as I purged my dinner and ate little or no food during the day but it was about six months into it that I realised the effects it's had on me, and as the months progress it just gets worse, over had it for a year an a half now and I have every kind of symptom associated with Ana and bulimia, my health is terrible
    And now, the purging isn't aomethign I enjoy it's just routine, a horrible self destructive routine that I don't know how to live without and redefine myself into a 'normal' person who doesn't do it, I just cant comprehend a life where you don't purge a meal which isn't to my low cal food standards

    Your heart definitely suffers love, as does your hair, skin, TEETH, nails, knuckles, oesophagus, taste receptors on your Tongue and your self esteem

    I know you didn't say you were going to do it, but I read that and it reminded me of myself before the ed
    I second this. I've never purged because I can't but I've seen the effects on my ED friends and it makes you so horribly ill and so rapidly.
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    Also it's strange whenever I go back to this thread there's people describing different aspects of how I feel that I just don't realise or can't describe

    Especially the OCD & confusion regarding 'what is normal'

    My Love & support for everyone, including those not brave enough to post on the thread
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    Hi, I'm custard, and I'm quite drunk (what's new)
    If you've never started... DO NOT PURGE.
    Seriously. From bottom of heart.
    I've known LONG-standing people with AN-R 'learn' how to purge.

    The risks from being a low weight from restriction, and a low weight and restricting plus binge/purging are INCREDIBLY different.

    Purging SCREWS up your electrolytes. My body is pretty well superhuman (as agreed by different GPs/consultant psychs). My body held on for YEARS. Years of puking (I used to puke 40+ times a day - obviously less food). My body was 'fine'. Now I am puking on average 6x a day (on HUGE amts food). But my blood chemistry is shot to ****.

    I say this from the absolute bottom of my slightly drunken heart. Please, please, do not start purging :bawling:. I have know too many people...

    Too much for me.

    This sums it up -

    Windin' your way down on Baker Street
    Light in your head and dead on your feet
    Well another crazy day
    You'll drink the night away
    And forget about everything
    This city desert makes you feel so cold.
    It's got so many people but it's got no soul
    And it's taking you so long
    To find out you were wrong
    When you thought it had everything

    You used to think that it was so easy
    You used to say that it was so easy
    But you're tryin'
    You're tryin' now
    Another year and then you'll be happy
    Just one more year and then you'll be happy
    But you're cryin'
    You're cryin' now

    Way down the street there's a lad in his place
    He opens the door he's got that look on his face
    And he asks you where you've been
    You tell him who you've seen
    And you talk about anything

    He's got this dream about buyin' some land
    He's gonna give up the booze and the one night stands
    And then he'll settle down there's a quiet little town
    And forget about everything

    But you know he'll always keep movin'
    You know he's never gonna stop movin
    Cus he's rollin'
    He's the rollin' stone

    And when you wake up it's a new mornin'
    The sun is shinin' it's a new morning
    You're goin'
    You're goin' home.
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    Hi.

    http://i232.photobucket.com/albums/e...yFay/002-3.jpg
    http://i232.photobucket.com/albums/e...yFay/004-1.jpg
    http://i232.photobucket.com/albums/e...yFay/004-2.jpg

    . *desperate sigh*
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    I am caught between a rock and a hard place.

    End of Julyish I was 35.7kgish. My intention was to go to college in Sept to do the FT Access to Science Diploma, weighing 42kg.

    I gained a few kg water weight.
    Freaked.
    Lost back to my lw, 33.7kg (mid-Dec 2010, BMI 12.2). Was drinking and abusing laxatives.

    Dec 14th decided I was NOT going to live by my toilet.
    Didn't purge.
    Gained MASSES - 18% body weight in 3 weeks.
    Water, obviously. I was eating 1600ish and walking ~12 miles a day. Following a SUPER low carb high fat diet.
    New year quit dietary restrictions. Started bingeing (no purging). Av for Jan 2765 cals taken in, 10.4 miles walked. Ended Jan at heaviest in years.

    Jan I pretty well dropped out of coll, I was so depressed. I ended up teaching myself the work to do my aggts to pass my course (with Distinctions). I literally stayed in bed 20/24 hours in the day, because I did not trust myself to keep safe.

    Feb - after a difficult anniversary - I started puking again. And I also started 150mg quetiapine which I swear has been life-changing.

    Fast forward. I have my place at Reading for 2011, Oct.
    I did it. (nobody thought I would)

    But my body is starting to give out and moving into selfcatered halls, I dont want to be hated because I eat/puke everyone else's food.
    Really badly.

    I want to do my Masters in Pharmacy so badly.

    But I would also rather die than gain weight. .

    But I would rather go to Reading than die.
    So my head... It needs quieting.

    I just want some silence.
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    custard cream we r so alike let me finish this cis then type t yyou
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    I wouldn't say she's attention seeking, I'd say...

    You know when you have that little piece of information inside of you that is simply BURSTING to come out? Well maybe it's like that for her. She feels she needs to get it out but by texting you about it she is almost VALIDATING the vomiting, something that she shouldn't do to herself and something she shouldn't burden you with. By texting you, somebody she knows has an eating disorder, she thinks that it becomes 'okay' because it is then 'normal'.

    Tell her it isn't.
    Oh my goodness, I was literally just talking to another friend about what I should do and she said exactly that, I never realised before. I was just saying how I need to stop talking to her about it because by doing so I'm normalising a thing which really shouldn't be normal, and she said 'you know she doesn't realise it but that's exactly what she's doing too.' Oh I feel awful now, I'm so selfish! It's so so true though.




    (Original post by diamonddust)
    *huggles*
    I think you should tell her. It's all very well being a good friend but if it's negatively impating on your recovery then I think you should distance yourself from her. It's not selfish. You have to keep yourself safe before you can help her. I think she thinks you understand and doesn't realise how badly it's affecting you? Does she tell you EVERY time she's purged? I think she's hoping you'll tell her it's ok so it doesn't feel so bad. You have to put yourself first hun. But try telling her how badly it affects you because chances are, she's stuck in her own ED bubble and doesn't realise that it's making you worse.
    Well done on the pancake btw! :hugs: I really want one now, it sounds nice! I should definately try and follow your lead.

    Still struggling. :erm: Actually did worse than yesterday today and I really tried. I had my cousin round and my mum made a huge meal but there was pretty much nothing I could eat except the rice. I wasn't even hungry but my cousin kept going on at me to take some of the rice so I took the smallest amount I could and couldn't bring myself to eat it and then he and my mum kept telling me it was getting cold and my mum was like 'don't be shy' (like that's going to help me eat!) and in the end I just took it to the kitchen and left it after having a forkful. I went to the corner shop a few minutes ago and got a chocolate bar but I feel sick and my head is hurting and my stomach is cramping and I'm so hungry but I'm too scared to eat anything. I don't know how chocolate can STILL be safe but a healthy meal can't. I think this is all related to the exams because I feel really scared and sick whenever I think about it. But the only thing that will make me feel less scared is revising and the only way I'll be able to concentrate on revision is by eating. But I don't know why I can't just get over this. I KNOW that my ED is taking advantage but I can't seem to help myself right now. It doesn't help that nobody seems to eat in this house. Right. It always takes posting on here to make things clearer.
    I'm going to find something. Food isn't bad, not eating is.
    I don't know if she's telling me every time; she tells me every few days but I don't know if that is every time. She's certainly always made herself out to have a much more established ED than she actually does - not at all saying it's attention-seeking but a lot of it is going on in her head, she's actually often pretty good at sorting out the logical stuff from the crazy bits and eating anyway.

    Sorry about your bad day :hugs: Totally know what you mean by this, at my peak of 'recovery' I used to be able to eat crisps and chocolate fine as I'd previously been totally unable to eat them and I knew this was something I was now 'allowed' but I still couldn't eat a whole sandwich made with TWO slices of bread as that was just totally off the cards - even if the bread was wholemeal and the filling was lettuce! So weird. Anyway, I was trying to find your 'new motto' that you wrote the other day but I couldn't find it, something like 'Tomorrow will be better' - so, that Tomorrow you will start again and it'll work out better.

    (Original post by laurenl93)
    I always remember the first time I tried was when I was about 10/11 and I felt sick at a party but couldn't do it at all. It was over the years that every now and then I'd 'give it a try' just to see until I was about 14/15 and suddenly WHEWWW i had just been sick, it wasn't much, but still, it was some of my dinner. It was in the summer of school and it was over that summer that I 'developed my technique' in a way that I knew exactly the pressure point, the standing position, everything for purging anything
    It's when you first dive into bulimia that is the 'best' time & the ONLY nice part of this kind of ed, I felt fantastic when I was purging, it made me happy to have just eaten that meal with my friends and then making my self empty again, the 'nice' way to be. What I loved in particular about it was the happiness in knowing all the calories my friends had inside them that I had removed of and the fact they had ate more than me& they had no idea, it was my little secret
    I feel like you just described my life; I never realised other people started so young too, I thought I was a proper weird kid. But for anonymous, I just want to emphasise that it is absolutely VILE when the only thing you can imagine doing after eating a meal that you actually enjoyed and that someone cooked for you with love, is excusing yourself from a whole group of people you really want to stay sitting and chatting with, running up the stairs and spending 15 minutes emptying it all out. And then going downstairs and pretending that everything's fine and hoping nobody's noticed your knuckles and how bad your breath smells and how wet your eyes are and how much your legs are shaking.
    So yes, it gets physically easier, but it's horrible when it does.
 
 
 
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