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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

    • #44
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Oh ffs. A confession for you all. I'm the world's ****tiest anorexic/orthorexic:
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    a) I apparently need "a bit more meat on me" but at the same time I'm almost overweight (or skinny-fat in BF%, anyway I have a belly, am ridiculously flabby and get puffed climbing a flight or two of stairs and doing 20 press-ups, that can't be good).
    b) I claim I'm "restricting" and yet probably eat around 2500-3000 cals per day. I doubt I ever have a day below 2000. When I get hungry I eat, and not always sensible things. Hunger feels dangerous, a threat which must be crushed, usually with food. I'm being told to "gain weight" and follow this advice like there's no tomorrow despite being well over 10 stone and 6'. The moment I feel a rumbly in my tummy I head to the kitche
    c) I claim I'm "eating healthily" but have king-size bowls of porridge for breakfast etc. and just downed tuna MAYO at the pasta salad bar. I'm "fat-phobic" when most of sandwiches are pre-packaged ready-meal style and primarily have mayonnaise or some other dodgy vegetable oil as dressing. I'm eating next to no protein compared to this. I like to add dollops of brown sauce on my bangers and mash, I like pigs in blankets, cheese is one of my favourite foods, I like to add Parmesan to big dishes of spag. bol., chocolate fudge is on my mind a lot. I do not know what healthy eating really is, I choose the "healthy options" in the nearest cafe, restaurant or chain-store and mainly eat out when my parents haven't cooked soemthing up, thinking this is a healthy practice. I can't cook, I can't even make poached egg on toast, beans on toast is tasking, I'm yet to make a full packed lunch. My entire appearance of being nutritionally aware like my love of classical literature is largely a lie fabricated by my pretentious ego to give myself some sort of rise in status above my working-class background and get me noticed by people apparently "above" me socially and intellectually in the dramatics society.
    d) I claim I have self-control but don't notice If I can't sleep, I will eat. If I haven't slept well, I will eat. like to stuff myself silly with bread and potato. I cannot even stick to a cake every other day. I just binged yet again on a giant orange and cranberry muffin, followed by advent choc, followed by the icing on said muffin, after lasagna. I was promising myself to hold back from indulgence until my birthday on Sunday and have not even managed that. It's a wonder I haven't developed diabetes during recovery.
    e) I claim to be a "compulsive over-exerciser" but cannot run a mile, in fact I'm scared to break a sweat. The most I do of the average day is walk to and from university, that's because I live at home and have to. I need to catch my breath when I run upstairs. I need motivation to go to the gym, if I'm tired or ill I skip it, if I feel a twinge in my chest I will leave the weights in case I've hurt something. I spend most of my day sitting on my ass either reading or on the computer, mainly the latter.

    Despite this food makes me feel anxious and depressed though not at the time, though sometimes it also seems my best friend. I have a lot of trouble sleeping. I don't understand why I've replaced a still very strong network of family and friends with food, even in my worst moments I was never this obsessive. I'm afraid of food and afraid of my appetite and I really do feel these habits-or the stress and frustration along with them I'm trying but failing to contain within so as not to hurt those I love-these are going to kill me.

    Rant over.

    Toto, Cinamon, awesome! : D
    :hugs:

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    What's your BMI, hun? Being 10st at 6ft is right at the lower end of a healthy weight, and even if "well over 10 stone" means 11 stone, you're still at the low end of healthy. I know BMI isn't foolproof but 10 stone is healthy on a girl 6 inches shorter than you - I can't imagine how it would look stretched out over a male 6ft frame.

    Regarding your "binge" - most people would accept that lasagne, followed by dessert (a muffin) and then a few after-dinner chocolates is a standard dinner. NOT a binge. I'm no expert, and I realise it's easier said than done, but you need to put things into perspective compared with normal levels of eating and exercising. Everyone has a point at which they need to catch their breath - you need to reach that point and push it further away.


    Good luck hun xx
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    EDIT: Ignore this. I'm not really asking for advice or opinions or anything. I just really need to write something, somewhere where I know others can relate or just listen. I can't speak to my best friends because I'm scared to burden them, and I can't speak to family because they don't know. I can't take this isolation. I'm used to being alone (introvert by choice), but my ED takes it on a whole new level and I just really need to do this.

    I can't cry. All I've wanted to do for the last couple days was cry but I can't do that. I'm so close to decreasing my caloric intake from 900 to 500-800 (or less!) because I'm not losing weight anymore. I don't care if it was all water weight that I lost, at least the measurements on the measuring tape kept me content.
    I've tried the whole increase my caloric uptake for a day or two (I did this on Sat/Sun and used to consume 1200 calories). I can't do this anymore. Since I relapsed in October(?) I lost about 1.5" off my hips (used to be 38", now 36.5") but some how gained 0.5" on my waist (used to be 29.5-30", now 30.5")? I can't take it anymore. No matter what I do I feel fat all the time. I used to be thrilled when I reached 36.5", but like I said before, I feel fat all the time, and I can't take feeling/looking like this. When I look in the mirror, I see the person I used to be 4 years ago - the 13 year old with 44" hips. I've lost almost 10" since that time so how has my perception of myself not changed

    I really wanna see a counsellor in my school because I can't take not having anyone to talk to about this but I know if I see a counsellor then they're gonna tell my teachers and my teachers will most probably tell my family and I can't have them find out.

    My sister and her husband came over and visited today and she asked if I had lunch, I said yeah, I had soup. She said "but soups not enough to fill anyone up" I HATE ****ing feeling full up. I feel full now and no joke, I feel like killing myself. The tears are finally falling, but not as rapid as I wish.
    When I eat, I eat enough to ensure I don't feel hungry, I don't keep eating until I feel full. I don't know why but that feeling just makes me feel really suicidal and really hurts me. I wanna hurt myself and when I do, the pain doesn't hurt me enough. After my sister said soup isn't enough to fill anyone up, I said I didn't wanna eat because they (her, her husband and my other siblings) were gonna eat rice and curry and I absolutely can not eat rice/curry. After I said I didn't wanna eat, she snapped at me! She said "I hate it when you do this! Every time I come over you always make me upset!" What. The. ****!!? She was so close to finding out about my ED this time last week, and she knows I have a problem yet everything about my 'eating habits' (as she likes to call whatever it is she thinks is going on with me) seems to suddenly revolve around her.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    :hugs:

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    What's your BMI, hun? Being 10st at 6ft is right at the lower end of a healthy weight, and even if "well over 10 stone" means 11 stone, you're still at the low end of healthy. I know BMI isn't foolproof but 10 stone is healthy on a girl 6 inches shorter than you - I can't imagine how it would look stretched out over a male 6ft frame.

    Regarding your "binge" - most people would accept that lasagne, followed by dessert (a muffin) and then a few after-dinner chocolates is a standard dinner. NOT a binge. I'm no expert, and I realise it's easier said than done, but you need to put things into perspective compared with normal levels of eating and exercising. Everyone has a point at which they need to catch their breath - you need to reach that point and push it further away.


    Good luck hun xx
    Please do not read if easily triggered by weights, numbers or images:
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    http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/album.php?albumid=4248
    Me about a month ago, when I decided I might have some bad body dysmorphia. I still feel horribly "skinny-fat", if not overweight in the conventional sense of the term.
    Umm, getting weighed in an hour by the nurse but last time I checked a few weeks ago, around 10st3/4, that put me around the BMI 19-19.5 mark.
    edit: Just got back, 65.0kg, that's 19.4
    I managed to get up to around 20.6 before uni but justified it on me getting fitter through swimming etc. therefore a lower bf% (muscle weighing more than fat), which I started to lose shortly after starting uni : /

    I know it won't harm me to gain weight but I'm finding it really hard to believe that won't make me fat/unfit. I'm still quite often going through "low-fat" phases where I end up deprived of EFAs but overdoing dairy and salt, processed food etc. instead which makes me feel awful physically and mentally, and once I'm in that phase it's hard to break out and believe even something like nuts are goin to enjoy myself or anything, or just because I've given up on being healthy and want to stuff myself to deathg to kill me. Same with the "binges"-I know it's not LOADS compared to what most people eat but it's more what I'm using it for. Not sure whether I'm always eating the cakes because I actually want them, as tests/exposure therapies etc., or just because I've given up on ever getting and feeling better and want to stuff myself to death. And I still associate any eating beyond fullness as a binge.



    Thank you :hugs:
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    Okay... quite a bit of negativity here...

    Antiaris collected sunshine...

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_FH7LPsNzB6..._SolarBeam.png

    Antiaris used solarbeam!

    http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__...rBeam_fire.png

    Depression was defeated!

    Kay, people, we need to sort what exactly is causing these underlying problems. You don't need to say it out loud, you need to look within yourself and find what are the thoughts that ORIGINALLY set off the eating disorder. If you can cut the root you can begin to kill the main plant.

    Spoiler:
    Show

    I'm going to use myself as a little example to the above.

    I've got responsibility issues. I feel responsible for everyone. I feel especially responsible for my family. This will sound corny, but I kinda love... people... no matter what. It's meant I've had bullying issues and the like, but I don't really care about that any more.

    To be good enough to look after my family I ended up getting a weird perfectionism going. It wasn't so much getting good grades, but getting to where I wanted to go. Get friends, check. Do well enough to get well paying career. Check. Get into good course. Check. Did it mean it suited me at all? Not. In. The. Slightest.

    Knowing how much is based off of appearance these days I felt the need to lose weight as there were direct links between physique and earning potential. I became bulimic, I ate less, I lost weight, too much, which left me in the anorexia mind frame.

    In Uni I managed to become a human stick figure ( 9.5 stone at 5'7" to 7 stone), I was passing the course but socially secluding myself. I hated myself. I woke up crying some days. I always ate (Have to tick the boxes) but very little. My calories in a day went from 2000 to 1800 to 1500 to 1200 to 1000 and finally to 500.

    I got a concussion which caused things to get even worse. I needed jabs for my course (One of which didn't work as my blood was so thin it went back up the syringe). As me and my Mother were planning a holiday to Sri Lanka I needed even MORE jabs. When talking to the nurse I asked if I could check my weight. I did. She saw it. Her eyes widened. She said that it wasn't right. I broke down in front of her.

    In a state of turmoil and the Christmas holidays coming up I didn't know whether to stay in the course or not. I was asking everyone, not being able to make a decision myself. Before I knew it I was packing my things without noticing. If I didn't decide consciously I had at least subconsciously.

    I went home for the Christmas break. Coming off the train my mother cried. I'd dropped some more weight since the nurse and was a colour that would be more in chic in a mortuary.

    I went to the doctor, got my intercallation sorted, cancelled the trip to Sir Lanka (Coincidentally the week we planned originally to go a hurricane hit the place.) Got myself sorted.

    Spinning up to today (including an 8 month wait for NHS help), here is my today! Me and my mother had to sort most of the recovery out ourselves as we weren't getting support, but we got to physical recovery and mental recovery is just behind!

    Spoiler:
    Show
    Personally I still feel fat. People say I look slim. I don't feel it. I know my frame is triangular but my jeans have thrown me a curve ball.

    You know weight distribution? When a person recovers from an eating disorder they will first get all the fat around their vital organs. This 'redistributes' when they maintain for a while. My weight redistributed in the matter of a week. My arms, neck and belly lost a bit of chub (belt down an inch) and my arse gained 3. >__> (rough estimate). This means jeans became too tight to wear and so the self-consciousness cycle continues...

    My BMI as of yesterday, with soggy clothes, post-lunchtime, was 21.59. I'm certain I've grown but my therapist is refusing to let me measure my height as she says it perpetuates the eating disorder. She's right. I agree. I think not knowing will help me move forward.

    It's only now some people are even talking to me again! One of my family's friends couldn't talk properly around me in case I split in two or something. >__>


    Sorry about the spurge, began as one thing then...

    Bleughblablableughbla
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I have officially gained a half pound at my latest weigh-in! To celebrate, a picture of me wearing my new EPIC DINO HAT!

    http://i1125.photobucket.com/albums/...g?t=1323361438

    FOOD IS THE TASTIEST MEDICINE GUYS!
    hat is made of win. I do likey.
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    Okay... quite a bit of negativity here...

    Antiaris collected sunshine...

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_FH7LPsNzB6..._SolarBeam.png

    Antiaris used solarbeam!

    http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__...rBeam_fire.png

    Depression was defeated!

    Kay, people, we need to sort what exactly is causing these underlying problems. You don't need to say it out loud, you need to look within yourself and find what are the thoughts that ORIGINALLY set off the eating disorder. If you can cut the root you can begin to kill the main plant.

    Spoiler:
    Show

    I'm going to use myself as a little example to the above.

    I've got responsibility issues. I feel responsible for everyone. I feel especially responsible for my family. This will sound corny, but I kinda love... people... no matter what. It's meant I've had bullying issues and the like, but I don't really care about that any more.

    To be good enough to look after my family I ended up getting a weird perfectionism going. It wasn't so much getting good grades, but getting to where I wanted to go. Get friends, check. Do well enough to get well paying career. Check. Get into good course. Check. Did it mean it suited me at all? Not. In. The. Slightest.

    Knowing how much is based off of appearance these days I felt the need to lose weight as there were direct links between physique and earning potential. I became bulimic, I ate less, I lost weight, too much, which left me in the anorexia mind frame.

    In Uni I managed to become a human stick figure ( 9.5 stone at 5'7" to 7 stone), I was passing the course but socially secluding myself. I hated myself. I woke up crying some days. I always ate (Have to tick the boxes) but very little. My calories in a day went from 2000 to 1800 to 1500 to 1200 to 1000 and finally to 500.

    I got a concussion which caused things to get even worse. I needed jabs for my course (One of which didn't work as my blood was so thin it went back up the syringe). As me and my Mother were planning a holiday to Sri Lanka I needed even MORE jabs. When talking to the nurse I asked if I could check my weight. I did. She saw it. Her eyes widened. She said that it wasn't right. I broke down in front of her.

    In a state of turmoil and the Christmas holidays coming up I didn't know whether to stay in the course or not. I was asking everyone, not being able to make a decision myself. Before I knew it I was packing my things without noticing. If I didn't decide consciously I had at least subconsciously.

    I went home for the Christmas break. Coming off the train my mother cried. I'd dropped some more weight since the nurse and was a colour that would be more in chic in a mortuary.

    I went to the doctor, got my intercallation sorted, cancelled the trip to Sir Lanka (Coincidentally the week we planned originally to go a hurricane hit the place.) Got myself sorted.

    Spinning up to today (including an 8 month wait for NHS help), here is my today! Me and my mother had to sort most of the recovery out ourselves as we weren't getting support, but we got to physical recovery and mental recovery is just behind!

    Spoiler:
    Show
    Personally I still feel fat. People say I look slim. I don't feel it. I know my frame is triangular but my jeans have thrown me a curve ball.

    You know weight distribution? When a person recovers from an eating disorder they will first get all the fat around their vital organs. This 'redistributes' when they maintain for a while. My weight redistributed in the matter of a week. My arms, neck and belly lost a bit of chub (belt down an inch) and my arse gained 3. >__> (rough estimate). This means jeans became too tight to wear and so the self-consciousness cycle continues...

    My BMI as of yesterday, with soggy clothes, post-lunchtime, was 21.59. I'm certain I've grown but my therapist is refusing to let me measure my height as she says it perpetuates the eating disorder. She's right. I agree. I think not knowing will help me move forward.

    It's only now some people are even talking to me again! One of my family's friends couldn't talk properly around me in case I split in two or something. >__>


    Sorry about the spurge, began as one thing then...

    Bleughblablableughbla
    I admire your honesty and it's great that your BMI is up. You really are brave, I wish I could be as strong as you.
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    (Original post by Vixen47)
    EDIT: Ignore this. I'm not really asking for advice or opinions or anything. I just really need to write something, somewhere where I know others can relate or just listen. I can't speak to my best friends because I'm scared to burden them, and I can't speak to family because they don't know. I can't take this isolation. I'm used to being alone (introvert by choice), but my ED takes it on a whole new level and I just really need to do this.

    I can't cry. All I've wanted to do for the last couple days was cry but I can't do that. I'm so close to decreasing my caloric intake from 900 to 500-800 (or less!) because I'm not losing weight anymore. I don't care if it was all water weight that I lost, at least the measurements on the measuring tape kept me content.
    I've tried the whole increase my caloric uptake for a day or two (I did this on Sat/Sun and used to consume 1200 calories). I can't do this anymore. Since I relapsed in October(?) I lost about 1.5" off my hips (used to be 38", now 36.5") but some how gained 0.5" on my waist (used to be 29.5-30", now 30.5")? I can't take it anymore. No matter what I do I feel fat all the time. I used to be thrilled when I reached 36.5", but like I said before, I feel fat all the time, and I can't take feeling/looking like this. When I look in the mirror, I see the person I used to be 4 years ago - the 13 year old with 44" hips. I've lost almost 10" since that time so how has my perception of myself not changed

    I really wanna see a counsellor in my school because I can't take not having anyone to talk to about this but I know if I see a counsellor then they're gonna tell my teachers and my teachers will most probably tell my family and I can't have them find out.

    My sister and her husband came over and visited today and she asked if I had lunch, I said yeah, I had soup. She said "but soups not enough to fill anyone up" I HATE ****ing feeling full up. I feel full now and no joke, I feel like killing myself. The tears are finally falling, but not as rapid as I wish.
    When I eat, I eat enough to ensure I don't feel hungry, I don't keep eating until I feel full. I don't know why but that feeling just makes me feel really suicidal and really hurts me. I wanna hurt myself and when I do, the pain doesn't hurt me enough. After my sister said soup isn't enough to fill anyone up, I said I didn't wanna eat because they (her, her husband and my other siblings) were gonna eat rice and curry and I absolutely can not eat rice/curry. After I said I didn't wanna eat, she snapped at me! She said "I hate it when you do this! Every time I come over you always make me upset!" What. The. ****!!? She was so close to finding out about my ED this time last week, and she knows I have a problem yet everything about my 'eating habits' (as she likes to call whatever it is she thinks is going on with me) seems to suddenly revolve around her.
    Aw, if I could give you a massive hug right now I would I totally understand the feeling of self-hatred when feeling full. It feels like a loss of control, it feels like suddenly right then and right there you're sudden;y gaining weight even though that's just a ridiculous thought and the rational part of yourself knows it. But the rational part of you is always undermined by the voice of the ED.
    I know it's so hard and I can totally relate to how you're feeling, but please stay strong. You're not alone :hugs:
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    You have to remember that starving yourself for so long, your stomach doesn't know what the hell is going on either. So when you feel full, it's uncomfortable, when in reality, it's probably not even literally "full" at all.
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    Look what Mum got me for my birthday tomorrow, peepz!
    http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/albu...ictureid=16059
    Fruitcake with marzipan, my (joint) fave ^ ^
    Party and that tomorrow at Dad's too. Determined to let myself be free to eat and think as I please, even if for just one day.
    That was all I had to say, really. The longer I talk the more I ramble my way into an unnecessary depression when things are actually pretty good.
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Look what Mum got me for my birthday tomorrow, peepz!
    http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/albu...ictureid=16059
    Fruitcake with marzipan, my (joint) fave ^ ^
    Party and that tomorrow at Dad's too. Determined to let myself be free to eat and think as I please, even if for just one day.
    That was all I had to say, really. The longer I talk the more I ramble my way into an unnecessary depression when things are actually pretty good.


    Happy Birthday for tomorrow
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    I was watching a movie before and have absolutely no idea what it was about as all through it I was planning on what to eat tomorrow /:
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    (Original post by Riku)
    x
    Happy birthday.
    • #75
    #75

    (Original post by Riku)
    Look what Mum got me for my birthday tomorrow, peepz!
    http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/albu...ictureid=16059
    Fruitcake with marzipan, my (joint) fave ^ ^
    Party and that tomorrow at Dad's too. Determined to let myself be free to eat and think as I please, even if for just one day.
    That was all I had to say, really. The longer I talk the more I ramble my way into an unnecessary depression when things are actually pretty good.
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

    enjoy your fruitcake with marzipan
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    I'll never forgive my ED for forcing me to drop out of Uni at Exeter this year. I just wasn't strong enough. It gave me the kick up the arse I needed for recovery though. Never been so determined.
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    I posted in here anonymously a few weeks ago, but I'm going to poke my head above the parapet and tiptoe in here. It's now eleven days since my first appointment for assessment, my BMI was measured at around 16 and I am most definitely anorexic, with a referral to a therapist (who I've had one session with and really like), and a dietician (who I'm seeing on Tuesday for the first time and seems really nice too!). Spending the week commuting between home and university rather than staying in the **** hole that is my halls of residence has done wonders for my mental health and positivity but I haven't been out in nearly two weeks and feel that I'm missing out in some way- that the choice for me is between recovery and my degree where others have to balance their social life and their degree.
    However, today's way of saying "**** you" to my eating disorder was polishing off a Terry's Chocolate Orange and a mushroom pizza at Pizza Express.
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    Happy birthday Riku
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    (Original post by sequinsplease)
    I posted in here anonymously a few weeks ago, but I'm going to poke my head above the parapet and tiptoe in here. It's now eleven days since my first appointment for assessment, my BMI was measured at around 16 and I am most definitely anorexic, with a referral to a therapist (who I've had one session with and really like), and a dietician (who I'm seeing on Tuesday for the first time and seems really nice too!). Spending the week commuting between home and university rather than staying in the **** hole that is my halls of residence has done wonders for my mental health and positivity but I haven't been out in nearly two weeks and feel that I'm missing out in some way- that the choice for me is between recovery and my degree where others have to balance their social life and their degree.
    However, today's way of saying "**** you" to my eating disorder was polishing off a Terry's Chocolate Orange and a mushroom pizza at Pizza Express.
    Well done you, it's great to see such a positive attitude
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Look what Mum got me for my birthday tomorrow, peepz!
    http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/albu...ictureid=16059
    Fruitcake with marzipan, my (joint) fave ^ ^
    Party and that tomorrow at Dad's too. Determined to let myself be free to eat and think as I please, even if for just one day.
    That was all I had to say, really. The longer I talk the more I ramble my way into an unnecessary depression when things are actually pretty good.
    Happy birthday, hope you enjoyed your day!
    • Thread Starter
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    Hey Riku, Happy Birthday, and I hope you enjoyed some of that totally badass fruitcake. Sounds tasty as frick!

    Think of it this way; on your birthday, you are only technically one day older than yesterday, but with an entire year's worth of reflection! In this, you should take a year of happiness, of follies, mistakes and anomalies and embrace every last moment of it. For tomorrow, you begin your first full day, first 24 hours, as your new age, in your new year of life, and take one step closer to writing on the golden gilded pages of your life story!
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    Happy birthday Riku!
 
 
 
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