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    I apologise in advance for the negativity of this post but I really really need to vent because I feel like I'm going to explode.
    Sorry.

    I'm SO relieved it's the end of term on Friday, I don't think I'd be able to cope much longer. Uni with an ED is really hard. I thought that moving away would make everything better and now all I want is to go home. I don't think I mentioned this here but a mutual friend died from anorexia last week and one of my best friends from hospital is currently in a medical ward with a heart monitor and a drip. :sad: For some reason it's made me even worse mentally even though I actually managed to eat a 'healthy' amount today. I'm just exhausted and I still haven't got anywhere with my coursework and I have 2 pieces due on Thursday and a short story and a critical analysis due on Monday but I'm leaving on Friday so I need it done by then and I can't ask for an extension because I just don't want to be here any longer than I need to be. I feel like I've lost all motivation and on the weight/behaviour side *trigger in white*
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I keep losing and then gaining it back even though I'm not generally eating enough for maintenance, let alone gaining and it's scaring me and I'm desperate to just cut out food all together but I'm trying to stave it off because I need to get my coursework done and I'm already at the getting tired when I walk/walking into walls/falling down in the shower stage but I keep forgetting that this isn't normal and I actually might not be well and all because I feel ashamed that my weight is so (relatively) high right now. I just feel huge because I don't know where all this flesh came from and I need it to go away. I was supposed to get my bloods done months ago and I didn't because I knew that it would be fine and my GP didn't remember to mention it and I didn't want to ask. My therapist is amazing and really helps me sort things out in my head but I don't know. I'm too healthy-looking in comparison to what I've been doing to my body. It shouldn't matter but it does I hate it. and I hate being this huge and I don't know why I can't lose weight anymore and I feel so awful that I don't understand why gone from my lowest weight in months to almost my highest when I haven't done anything to gain. I know all of this is because I've been ignoring my depression for ages but... I just feel so desperate right now. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be anywhere. I just can't stop hating myself and I don't know how to feed myself properly when nobody is around for me to performance eat for. I don't care about myself, I just care about not hurting my family. :cry: :cry:

    I'm just really frustrated with this illness and I really want it out of my life now but I don't think I can do it at university (the kitchen/flatmate issue is a huge thing for me) but I can't drop out when there's no medical reason for it (I'll feel like a failure) but equally, I don't want to wait until I get even worse (even though my ED wants me to) and though my parents say that it's obvious that I'm not well by looking at me, I don't believe them. I just want it to be Friday so I can go home...

    Sorry. I don't want to be negative. I just didn't know where else to go...

    A recovery picture/message that I found on tumblr and reminded me of what I'll be able to have if I just try to pick myself up...

    http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lw1ryz6xjh1r6mb0lo1_500.j pg
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    Saw a young girl (about fourteen or so) on the tube today who was obviously bulimic (scars on index finger/chipped nail polish just on that finger/swollen salivary glands) I wanted to say something to her so badly but she was with friends so didn't want to embarrass the poor thing. So I caught her eye and made it obvious that I was looking at her hand and smiled. How much would I at that age have wanted someone who understood? Even a complete stranger. I just hope that she gets the help she needs.

    Anyway, I've been seeing this boy on and off since the summer and he's just lovely but he keeps making me food, especially on a morning. He actually made a fry up unprompted the first time we slept together but I didn't eat it (he didn't know I was vegetarian) but then this weekend he had actually bought quorn sausages and bacon and I just didn't know what to say so I waited until he was in the shower and wrapped it up and put it in my handbag (because I'm an ungrateful b***h who doesn't care about wasting people's money). I wish that I wasn't like this.

    Final thing my dad calls me fat when he's angry, on Friday I didn't get off the sofa to help him quick enough (because he hadn't made it clear that he wanted me to help) and he told me to get off my "f**king fat a***e". He doesn't get that that's the one insult that really hurts me, and it's not something I could brush off. Anything else I can put down to him being irrational when he's angry but calling me fat just goes around my head over and over. Ugh.
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    And Happy Birthday Riku!
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    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    Saw a young girl (about fourteen or so) on the tube today who was obviously bulimic (scars on index finger/chipped nail polish just on that finger/swollen salivary glands) I wanted to say something to her so badly but she was with friends so didn't want to embarrass the poor thing. So I caught her eye and made it obvious that I was looking at her hand and smiled. How much would I at that age have wanted someone who understood? Even a complete stranger. I just hope that she gets the help she needs.

    Anyway, I've been seeing this boy on and off since the summer and he's just lovely but he keeps making me food, especially on a morning. He actually made a fry up unprompted the first time we slept together but I didn't eat it (he didn't know I was vegetarian) but then this weekend he had actually bought quorn sausages and bacon and I just didn't know what to say so I waited until he was in the shower and wrapped it up and put it in my handbag (because I'm an ungrateful b***h who doesn't care about wasting people's money). I wish that I wasn't like this.

    Final thing my dad calls me fat when he's angry, on Friday I didn't get off the sofa to help him quick enough (because he hadn't made it clear that he wanted me to help) and he told me to get off my "f**king fat a***e". He doesn't get that that's the one insult that really hurts me, and it's not something I could brush off. Anything else I can put down to him being irrational when he's angry but calling me fat just goes around my head over and over. Ugh.
    :hugs: :hugs: Can you talk to your dad about it? It's so sad when you see people who are obviously sick.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    :hugs: :hugs: Can you talk to your dad about it? It's so sad when you see people who are obviously sick.
    He would get seriously offended if I was to say anything. He's always said just to ignore the things he says when he's angry because he hates himself afterwards.

    I know, I just wanted to give her a hug.
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    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    He would get seriously offended if I was to say anything. He's always said just to ignore the things he says when he's angry because he hates himself afterwards.

    I know, I just wanted to give her a hug.
    Well you can have a hug from me! :hugs:
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Well you can have a hug from me! :hugs:
    Aww, hugs back! :hugs:
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    Penblwydd Hapus Riku!
    • #50
    #50

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    My tummy hurts. I hate the smell of vomit. I can't function in society because I don't want people to suspect anything (and because I'm bloody tired constantly) yet I have nothing to show for it. I wish I was anorexic, and underweight. At least then people could see something's wrong with me, and maybe someone would help me. But I'm too pathetic to seek help myself. I'm a waste of space. Why am I such an idiot.
    • #78
    #78

    I can't stop eating and it's been getting so bad I don't know what to do and I don't know how to stop myself when I'm alone.
    • #10
    #10

    Warning, rant. But Id appreciate if someone read it and replied. Im extremely upset :sad:

    ve just sped all the way back from town after seeing a friend, to get back to my scales.
    I was just getting edamame beans when I hear a "HI EVA how are you? Oh wow, you look so much better with a little fattening up.."
    what the absolute HELL. This guy knows I have an eating disorder, how much I have struggled for the last 3-4 years. I literally panicked the whole way home for like the 30 minutes it took for me to get back.
    ONLY TO FIND I WEIGH THE SAME. Why the hell do people make such comments. Do you think most people would like it if someone said they got fatter, eating disorder or not, of course they wouldnt.

    Why dont they keep their bloody nose out of my bloody business at leave me the feck alone.

    Anyone else get sick of people making comments about your appearance ?
    • #79
    #79

    I'm not sure if this will help anyone here, but it's worth a try

    creatorsnotebook.tumblr.com

    Hope you all get better soon! Recovery is amazing!!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Warning, rant. But Id appreciate if someone read it and replied. Im extremely upset :sad:

    ve just sped all the way back from town after seeing a friend, to get back to my scales.
    I was just getting edamame beans when I hear a "HI EVA how are you? Oh wow, you look so much better with a little fattening up.."
    what the absolute HELL. This guy knows I have an eating disorder, how much I have struggled for the last 3-4 years. I literally panicked the whole way home for like the 30 minutes it took for me to get back.
    ONLY TO FIND I WEIGH THE SAME. Why the hell do people make such comments. Do you think most people would like it if someone said they got fatter, eating disorder or not, of course they wouldnt.

    Why dont they keep their bloody nose out of my bloody business at leave me the feck alone.

    Anyone else get sick of people making comments about your appearance ?
    yes, yes and yes. whether people know you have problems with food or not i don't understand how people can think it's an okay thing to say. thing is, if people don't know about your disorder and make 'fatty' comments, they think it's just a great big joke so if you get aggy about it you look ridiculous for overreacting. i guess what you have to remember is that this guy thought he was paying you a compliment, i'm sure he never meant to hurt your feelings.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Warning, rant. But Id appreciate if someone read it and replied. Im extremely upset :sad:

    ve just sped all the way back from town after seeing a friend, to get back to my scales.
    I was just getting edamame beans when I hear a "HI EVA how are you? Oh wow, you look so much better with a little fattening up.."
    what the absolute HELL. This guy knows I have an eating disorder, how much I have struggled for the last 3-4 years. I literally panicked the whole way home for like the 30 minutes it took for me to get back.
    ONLY TO FIND I WEIGH THE SAME. Why the hell do people make such comments. Do you think most people would like it if someone said they got fatter, eating disorder or not, of course they wouldnt.

    Why dont they keep their bloody nose out of my bloody business at leave me the feck alone.

    Anyone else get sick of people making comments about your appearance ?
    I think a lot of people make comments in an attempt to "be nice" - they think you want to hear that you're "better" or "healthier" - if he knows you've been working on recovery, he may feel to compliment you in that way will give some credit to the work you've been putting in. People don't make comments, generally, to hurt your feelings or cause you strain so try to tell yourself why they may say that, rather than a big panic and thinking the worst.
    • #10
    #10

    (Original post by sentiment)
    yes, yes and yes. whether people know you have problems with food or not i don't understand how people can think it's an okay thing to say. thing is, if people don't know about your disorder and make 'fatty' comments, they think it's just a great big joke so if you get aggy about it you look ridiculous for overreacting. i guess what you have to remember is that this guy thought he was paying you a compliment, i'm sure he never meant to hurt your feelings.
    What you say make sense. I told my flatmate (also bulimic) and he said people are saying to me "Oh you look better" and then going saying to him " wtf shes lost again, is she ok?" So there is a certain amount of truth in the fact that people are just trying to be nice.

    I think the problem comes when the disorder doesnt allow you to think like that. It just thinks or makes you think that the flatmate is lying and you must be fatter. Obviously thats not true and even if you did put on 2-3 lbs i doubt it would be noticeable to anyone else anyway.

    I just dont understand why peopel find its acceptable to say to someone you look fatter, when if you said that to most non ED people theyd be pretty pissed too. So to say it to someone whose biggest phobia is weight gain just pisses me off.

    Im in a rage / panic...so if I come accross as arsey I dont mean to be. But i wish he had kept his mouth shut because I know its going to send me off on a downward spiral of not eating. When i really wanted to try and be a little less crazy. :p:
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    Sometimes it can be a gentle, off-the-cuff and entirely innocent remark that's made... sometimes it's something a little bit more pre-meditated or non-subtle, but the truth is, talking to an ED-sufferer is a total tightrope.

    Even something as simple as someone saying "you look healthy today" - mum said this to me the other day meaning "You don't look drawn and jaundiced" but I took it as "wow, how's it going, Whale Boy? All-You-Can-Eat Plankton Buffet, was it?"

    The truth is, sometimes we don't even understand ourselves what a compliment is, or how it feels. For so long things have been a binary "thinner equals better, heavier equals worse" thing, and we forget that this is not at all true.
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    Yeah, my Nan said to me today, "you look better" - my Mum knew how I'd take it and gave her a death stare to which she back-tracked and said, I mean happier, you look happier. Truth is though, I took it a lot better than I thought I would. I've done a lot of therapy on not just accepting my "flight mode" gut-reaction. If my gut had any sense, it wouldn't be killing me to listen to it all the time. So yeah, I do look better. I am eating closer to a 'normal' amount. But I'm not fat, not even close.
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    Just yesterday at the party I had a "why am I healthy" moment. (Probably part of the reason I couldn't really sleep last night. Swear it's ridiculous trying to gain when sleep-deprived every other day.) My uncle said, "so I see you're getting your appetite back", which I managed to shrug off because he's a no-nonsense policeman, it's his style and I know he really is condoning my physical and mental recovery having been there at some of my worst moments. But then my aunt (who I don't think knows about the disordered thoughts) says jokingly, "we're not going to have a problem clearing the kitchen with Tom around!" and suddenly I'm looking at the plate of dad's gf's gorgeous Indian dishes like it's a shameful decision. It'd been a running joke for a while, me being a "growing lad", but last year I started taking it the wrong way. Doesn't help this same aunt sometimes starts making loads of embarrassing "oooh you're getting more handsome each time I see you" remarks every time I visit after having been in "Regime" mode. Put 2+2 together and you've apparently got Fat. Wrong, you've got your ED telling you health is a shi**er as opposed to the well-intentioned but misguided compliments of concerned loved ones. We've got to remember that the whole idea of family, friends and the Bloggs down the road are in some worldwide conspiracy to plump us up is absolutely absurd and really a bit egotistical. People have better things to do with their time than that, you have to trust that they mean well by the compliments and trust yourself that your decision-the decision to get better and stay that way-is the right one.

    Having said that, I don't think there's any excuse for someone saying "you're looking fatter". In an ideal world that word wouldn't hold any negative connotations and weight would be what weight really is, just some numbers to refer to an individual's combined molecular mass. Unfortunately in our vain culture, that's not always the case and unless those people are pretty stupid, they should know it's a loaded term. Again, it's up to us to rise up above that superficial outlook and remember the true, greater beauty within each person (dammit now I feel in the mood for a Disney movie!)

    ---------------

    Thanks for the birthday messages, all, it was an awesome day and a great party! Incidentally the fruitcake's still waiting, Mum was working yesterday so I'm catching up with her and that side of the family in a bit
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    http://blogs.independent.co.uk/2011/...look-anorexic/ is everyone following this writer, I find her really relatable and inspirational.
    Hang in there guys. :hugs:
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    I've got to do an assignment tonight so I bought a fruit salad and a sandwich. Turns out I'm allergic to kiwi fruit and I've just spent an hour throwing up and feel like crap. Seriously, I eat a fairly 'normal' meal and then my body rebels. For the last few days I've been fighting the urge to binge/purge and now my body has decided to purge for me. It just makes this whole exercise in eating normally so I can do my assignment with a clear head and it's all gone to s**t. :/
 
 
 
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