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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by briesandwich)
    :sad: I just went to the doctor for a very personal but worrying problem which I'll spoiler.
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    I'm passing blood through my lady parts when trying to go for a number 2. :sad: He thinks it's constipation but this happens when I'm "flowing" well anyway. :/


    What did he prescribe me? Laxatives. Laxatives to someone who has worked so hard for years to beat laxative abuse. I felt really upset and chucked away my prescription. I've been strongly advised to register with another GP. Oh gosh I don't know what to do. :cry:
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    Your organs down there are quite closely related down there muscle wise. For instance during birth quite a few babies are born with an unexpected doozy. (Scrubs, ftw).

    If you had issues with laxatives it's obvious that you related... pooping... to purging of some kind. Have you thought that maybe you are trying to... purge... by pushing too hard?

    Just relax, enjoy, read a book, whatever. Your bodies processes don't need that much strain. Don't push too hard, just enough to get things moving, and if nothing is coming it generally means you're empty.


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    Euch, therapy today.

    I've worked through most of my 'issues' but it isn't getting rid of the actual ED thoughts. It's as if I'm taking the mask off the monster, but the monster is still there.

    Doesn't help that my BMI at the moment is around 21.56. She says on average 3 times during the session 'Your weight is still creeping up steadily...'. Yes. Fire on the furnace. I BLOODY KNOW. Think I wouldn't?

    I KNOW my BMI is gonna be a bit higher than normal. I've had a highish muscle mass since young (lifted my adult cousins up age 8, etc). Pushing your sister's wheelchair does that. Patients usually go to a weight 10% higher than their natural weight before they settle down anyway.

    I hear people talking about being a low BMI and functioning fine. BMI 13 and still carrying on. I don't care. Everyone is gonna be different.

    I was BMI 15.8 when I had to gain weight. I was clinically 'emaciated' but not 'severely emaciated', when the 'real problems' begin creeping in.

    My pulse had gone to 43 bpm.
    My body temp was 34.9ºC on average.
    I didn't turn cold, I turned blue.
    I couldn't read due to my concentration slipping so easily.
    My Potassium was slipping to dangerous. (0.1mg away, and that was after eating a crap load of K rich foods.)
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    Kinda gross, but when I couldn't pass wind in public for the simple reason that if I did something else would invariably come too. I'd begun to fudge monkering lose bowel control


    I don't care if that is a little clinically different. People are gonna be a little clinically different.

    I'm gaining steadily, I know. Its preying on my mind like a hawk but the thing is that I know what being on the other side is like, it means I'm not having bits of my die on me.

    Oh, and I grew 2 inches when I regained weight.

    Toto, you are still in the time frame to grown (up to ~25-28 at most in a man). Regain your weight and you might have another spurt. Judging from your photos your head:body proportion is around 1:2.5. When fully grown a person's head:body ratio is around 1:3. (Children's ratio is around 1:2. It's why some people find manga a tad creepy.)

    I'm not saying that you are short but you seem to be in a bit of a dip, so a bit of a goal might be more helpful.

    Also sorry about the steaming of a bit of the inner rage.
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    I ought to be looking forward to it having not expected to make it through to see it, but now I'm kinda dreading it because it brings out the worst in me. Not overindulgence; that's fair enough, this is a time of joy and celebration often accompanied by excess. It's good to let ourselves go once in a while (or twice, or three times, or never hold ourselves back against our will come to think of it). That's not really my problem. It's hypocrisy, still utter hypocrisy. I like to play a dirty blame game.
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    It's a year tomorrow since I admitted myself through A+E on account of chest pains, but if I think back long and hard enough this phase of severe anxiety came right after going on a Co-op sandwich binge for about 3 months "to bulk up", living off pizza and takeaways for a fortnight over summer, skipping meals because I couldn't always be bothered learning to make them and opting for cake instead (one day in November I ate a slice of bread and a mince pie while freaking out over my heart) and quite a few parties/late nights on Facebook at the expense of my studies. Yet I complained to my school of being overstressed by the workload and needing extensions, I started telling my friends I can't come out because I need an early night to rest and recuperate, And now I have the audacity to imply to my Mum that her leaving me some mini-pies for dinner or sticking in some chorizo with chicken jambalaya is sabotaging my recovery with trans-fats because she doesn't know what the difference between "good" and "bad" fat is (or so my ED boasts.)
    Just today I went out for a meal with my grandparents and bought salmon steak supreme thinking I was being all healthy and somewhat superior to everyone else e.g. my brother with the big breakfast. Then it turns out I'm the only one ordering waffles and ice-cream for dessert. This while being obsessed with the idea I now have high cholesterol from reverting to "low-fat" ways.

    In many ways I've become such a horrible person. WHY? I wish I knew. All I know is health-conscientiousness is a genuine part of who I am, but now I'm choosing to express that individuality in the worst way possible.
    I know this is another swarm of negativity, but it cuts to the bare bones of my anxiety and disordered habits. I sabotage my own recovery. There's nothing wrong with eating some junk as a treat, but to then blame others for my own actions is inexcusable. I feel pretty calm and content as a whole but that's not right, not if I'm making my mum suffer instead.
    So in that sense, I'm really hoping I'll be brave enough to have Christmas pud and not tell someone off for it but make sure I know whatever happens is my choice, my pleasure and my responsibility.
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    Jesus, fat this, fat that. Such mixed messages are coming out about it that it becomes difficult to judge what does what. We aren't even quite sure at the moment what causes high cholesterol! (Saturated fat apparently is NOT the culprit)

    http://www.truthaboutabs.com/saturat...-not-evil.html

    Reading University (interview February 1st!) is currently doing a lot of research into saturated fat and cholesterol. The results show the same thing; it ain't the culprit.

    INTERESTING FACT; Anorexics have a tendency of having paradoxically high cholesterol. It's to do with when people don't eat enough their body begins eating itself. This releases the 'bad' cholesterol found in the fat cells.

    Personally I believe that high cholesterol is caused by high sugar low fat. The body, seeking to maintain the amount of cholesterol in the blood, will leech the bad cholesterol from the cells by using the constant flow of insulin opening the cells for glucose transfusion. Purely my own theory as to how it works, your choice, but it kinda makes a bit of sense as it's difficult for saturated fat to get through the GI tract due to the size of the molecules and it offers a fairly good explanation...

    Just think it like this;
    It hasn't killed you before, it isn't gonna kill you now. The only thing that will kill you now is you being too picky.

    Relax. Enjoy!
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    Wound up here looking for some kind of support because I have a really bad relationship with food at the moment, for various reasons. Just cannot bring myself to eat much at all, and I used to be so into food.
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    Antiaris is a wise gent. A lot of it is common sense but you have to convey it in a really very special way to seem relevant, and he always does.

    We are stronger than this. A Christmas feast is a festival. A Celebration.

    The perfect happy time!

    If this is the case, why are we gauging based upon our minimum allowances?

    Are we actually trying to... QUANTIFY CHRISTMAS?

    What an absurd notion, in my opinion.

    I simply have to imagine Santa Claus weighing out the meat on his plate before eating to realise what a ridiculous notion it is.

    My mind is broken guys. A lot of your minds are broken too. You think you know things. You do, but only from a totally skewed, incorrect perspective. Want to be normal? ENJOY CHRISTMAS!!
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    ENJOY CHRISTMAS!!
    Thank you toto - I hope you take your own advice and remember that there is no such thing as an allowance when you are underweight - let alone so very very underweight!! Think of your future and enjoy as much wonderful food as you can!


    Wishing all of you a merry christmas - enjoy everything and everyone! Life's too short! xx
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    Thank you Cinamon, and you know, the same to you!! Christmas is one day, a droplet of water in the ocean of our lives, a fleeting moment in order to let go and celebrate everythig we love about life, family, and happiness.

    And that includes cake.

    Lots of cake.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Thank you Cinamon, and you know, the same to you!! Christmas is one day, a droplet of water in the ocean of our lives, a fleeting moment in order to let go and celebrate everythig we love about life, family, and happiness.

    And that includes cake.

    Lots of cake.
    Merry Christmas Toto, I really hope you have a lovely one :jumphug:
    (And I hope it's delicious :yep:)
    • #50
    #50

    Merry Christmas everyone, I hope you all have a lovely time

    Not so cheery...
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    Had a b/p relapse... The house is full of chocolates, and they're all on display :sad: BUTTTTT previous to that I had managed around 2 weeks of eating normally, so I see this as a small dent in an otherwise very successful time
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    You're all in my thoughts today. :hugs: Have a wonderful day!
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    Merry Christmas TSR! I hope everyone is having a great day of liberation from our evil ailments and just being NORMAL MUNCHERS!!
    • #59
    #59

    I ended up skipping my insulin dose so stupid. I'm in such a panic over food but haven't eaten anything bad, just drinking wine was enough to send me into panic.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I ended up skipping my insulin dose so stupid. I'm in such a panic over food but haven't eaten anything bad, just drinking wine was enough to send me into panic.
    don't skip your insulin. being fat and able to see beats being skinny and blind any day of the week.
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    I'm a bulimic mess

    It has been years

    I am losing hope

    I cannot see things improving in the future

    I cannot stand my body and being

    I am in constant pain

    I cannot go on like this

    any more

    I am

    tired

    /rant
    • #50
    #50

    (Original post by WaterfrontWAR)
    Harro everyone, how did your Christmas day's go?
    Hope that noones problems interfered with their ability to enjoy the time of year and time with family

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    and now that I can't think of anything else to chatter away with I may as well get on with saying how amazing Christmas day was, how good the food tasted and how I didn't worry about what I ate at all.

    Until today when the scales scared me when I woke up (massive leap up in weight which depressed me, causing me to have some of my Christmas sweets that family bought. A small amount triggered eating EVERYTHING in a massive binge and purge.) Currently feel like a complete failure. Thought I had been getting better.
    I had a good time

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    Don't worry, the same happened to me. Christmas time is the most stressful of them all for us worriers, and I had a crazy two days (like 10x each, I don't know why I can't just stop eating after the p, I have to redo it over and over again) but I know that the family visits are stopping again and I can resume my recovery, small dent only! Tell yourself that, you've slipped up but it doesn't mean your entire recovery has stopped. Onwards and upwards!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I had a good time

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    Don't worry, the same happened to me. Christmas time is the most stressful of them all for us worriers, and I had a crazy two days (like 10x each, I don't know why I can't just stop eating after the p, I have to redo it over and over again) but I know that the family visits are stopping again and I can resume my recovery, small dent only! Tell yourself that, you've slipped up but it doesn't mean your entire recovery has stopped. Onwards and upwards!
    I have never had this happen to me until yesterday.

    I had a perfect Christmas day, and then boxing day hit, and I have experienced a problem I never have before.

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    We went for the BIGGEST three course lunch. I was revelling in the brilliance that was tasty grub! At least 2500 kcals for lunch alone. It was marvellous not to count it bit by bit, but any anorexic can average it.

    Later though, hitting about 6ish, dad cracked open the Christmas leftovers and started making Turkey and stuffing sandwiches for his dinner. Mum piped up with "Come on, this all has to get eaten!"

    So... inexplicably, I wasn't even that hungry, but I just went nuts on it. A huge sandwich, endless kilted sausage/pigs in blankets, stuffing balls; my stomach ached so hard I actually vomited; then I ate the rest. It wasn't voluntary vomit; I genuinely just stuffed myself so ridiculously. I actually saw my mum's face do a "holy crap" face when she said "did you manage ALL those roasties yourself? G... good job Tom".

    I'm thinking I must've eaten 5000 kcals. IN ONE DAY. That's by far the most I've ever consumed in years. I went to bed, stomach in agony, throat in agony from the sickness, dried tears from the vomiting (as I despise it), and all I was thinking was "maybe I should open my new fudge." I didn't, but what the hell happened to me?!

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    Hoping everyone's had a worry-free Christmas. I've had a few incredibly disordered days to be honest, it feels like the end of the line for “healthy me” and I’ve just took to binging on anything:

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    -On Friday I bought a 10' pizza while out just because dinner, despite being healthier didn't contain any protein. I wasn’t hungry. Then I ruminated all night over the 10 inches of trans-fat I’d just wolfed down and spent a fiver on without wanting any more than a slice.
    -Saturday there wasn't any lunch left and I was in a rush to church so ended up making chicken and peanut butter sarnies (? Don’t try this) then binged on the sultana bag (norm) and nearby Danish/mince pie, neither of which I really wanted. I missed the Nativity service as a result of all this, pretty much the only time in the year I get the chance to go and support them anymore. Went to see my friend after this but as we had turkey and chips for tea I had a panic attack and had to go home early.
    -Yesterday I think I was trying to commit. I had sausage butties for breakfast at my uncle's which started throwing me over the top with the cholesterol/fat-phobia and I was over-tired anyway so prone to stress. Then, as I'd grown increasingly cranky and restless on my shift, I was offered a mint by one of my workmates (I have colleagues constantly offering sweets who are oblivious to the ED) which was fair enough except that turned into half the pack's worth and half the Cadburys Eclairs in the Heroes tub. The sugar-high was Apu’s Squishee-style abominable and I ended up with McFlurry cravings so crossed over to McDonalds to have a sort of “Last Supper”. I had a Garlic+Herb Chicken Wrap (cheese+mayo!), blueberry muffin, Crunchie McFlurry and the Festive Pie in about 10 minutes. This despite knowing I had to walk to Dad’s and had a roast dinner coming up. Then proceeded to walk through the dodgier area of the borough for 2 hours bloated to extremes and half-expecting to pass out before making it back to the house.
    As a result I threw away my best chance of a nice night with Dad over f****ng Maccies. He’d cooked up a roastie which I’d partly spoiled my appetite on, and having already had about four desserts that day thought it might have been going over the top to share some gorgeous mince pies with him. The mincemeat smelled so heavenly piping hot in custard too…
    But then that's always been the problem. I've developed a horrifically emotional attachment to food and until that goes I'm always going to be scared of it, because I'll be scared of my own appetite. And I bonded with Dad anyway, we didn’t need a mince pie to do that! I’m associating food with comfort and security which is both good and bad, it justifies the treats at parties and family visits when they come but makes them feel unearned and threatening when I have them any other time. I think Mum’s “waste-not, want not” ethos has made me feel guilt for not cleaning off the plate regardless of how hungry I am but having put on 4 pounds in two weeks of mostly cake and binge food might have to curb the binging in that sense.

    This is what high-sugar, low/no-fat diets do to you, guys. Murder. Can somebody more experienced than me give some tips on coping with binging (both physical and emotional)?
    It's ironic that the single most stressful day and with the greatest semi-distressing event (Mum announcing her engagement to her boyfriend) was the only day I overate in a natural, "normal" and pleasant way. (Although even then, after dinner I expected to die. Why couldn’t I be completely free for even Christmas Day?)
    But I did kinda engage in a "behaviour" then, in that I isolated myself with the kids playing Buzz! for a while because I didn't really know what to talk about in adult company.
    (To be fair, I love Buzz, but I’m wondering if this was kinda staying in my comfort zone a little and a way to feed my ego with pride while depriving my self-esteem).
    I have never felt so selfish over Christmas .I remember precisely what I’ve eaten over the past 4 or 5 days but can’t remember my great-aunt’s name. I’ve also stolen people’s food before for potassium redistribution, wtf ? Not even last year was I this bad because my restriction didn’t interfere with my parents’ meal plans I was just s******g one about my heart in general, orthorexia seems to have caused thedeeper selfishness and self-obsession.
    Hoping next year I can get my priorities right.
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    Riku, seems we endured a similar scenario despite this being more something habitual with yourself, as opposed to entirely alien, to me.

    I was quite literally in complete helplessness as to why my hands were picking up more stuff off the buffet table. My stomach was screeching pain.

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    I spoilered this section as it contains numbers.

    Despite taking in a ludicrous 4500(ish) calories in a single day through my mad foodscapade, I checked the scales this morning and my gain was a mere half pound. Now,I've heard that weight LOSS can be phantom (through water retention) but is there such a thing as phantom weight yet to be distributed? Okay, so that doesn't make much sense really, as if the scale says a number, and the food and water is already IN you, then how could it possibly go up with nothing else going in... but what I mean is, can it take a few days for the TRUE aftermath/gain to show up or something?

    Or is it highly possible such a massive binge could have caused such a tiny dent/gain and that's that?

    • #50
    #50

    Triggering (and disgusting)

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    All I've done since getting up is b/p. But just a few minutes ago I was trying not to be too loud and holding it back a little when vom came through my nose Most humiliating and disgusting feeling. I'm so exhausted, yet as soon as I'm done in the bathroom I pick out more food. Just why?! I hope I get food poisoning so I'm too ill to eat. **** this. Argh.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Riku, seems we endured a similar scenario despite this being more something habitual with yourself, as opposed to entirely alien, to me.

    I was quite literally in complete helplessness as to why my hands were picking up more stuff off the buffet table. My stomach was screeching pain.

    Spoiler:
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    I spoilered this section as it contains numbers.

    Despite taking in a ludicrous 4500(ish) calories in a single day through my mad foodscapade, I checked the scales this morning and my gain was a mere half pound. Now,I've heard that weight LOSS can be phantom (through water retention) but is there such a thing as phantom weight yet to be distributed? Okay, so that doesn't make much sense really, as if the scale says a number, and the food and water is already IN you, then how could it possibly go up with nothing else going in... but what I mean is, can it take a few days for the TRUE aftermath/gain to show up or something?

    Or is it highly possible such a massive binge could have caused such a tiny dent/gain and that's that?

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    If I remember correctly, it takes around 3500 excess calories for the average person to gain 1lb.

    4500kcal - Your recommended daily allowance =/= 3500 calories :nah:

    Add to that the fact that you involuntarily purged some of your food, you probably didn't take in as many calories as you thought.

    Your body needs the calories, so I'm pleased that your appetite is returning. Get yourself down to Wimpy, enjoy the festivities

 
 
 
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