Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.

Scroll to see replies

Thanks for that, Diamond!

I want to ask you guys if any of you have a particular issue I have.

I suffer from "Weight capping". It's totally psychological, I'm aware of that, but when my recovery started, I felt safe gaining up to a certain "cap". Likewise, I felt it "wasn't too bad" to 'indulge the ED' now and again down to a lower cap, just so when I gained it again it didn't feel too galling to be gaining EVEN MORE.

The problem is, within these capped confines, I do not often follow a normal routine. I'll either go all-out balls-to-the-wall decadence ("Screw you ED, I'm going out for a meal tonight!") or odd restriction (small meals and occasionally getting rather drunken).

I've mentioned to my psychotherapist who mentioned to me that it's normal to have these "safe zones" and allow the ED to run riot within it, it's almost like a mental "pen" you've put the beast in.

I just wondered if anyone else had experienced this particular ailment.

Reply 2541

x-Disenchanted-x

Original post by Antiaris

CBT is actually fairly easy to do yourself, it pretty much looks at how you work then deduces the best compensatory therapy.

So first it will analyse. This will include making a food diary, a diary of your emotions related to food, a diary of your emotions related to your self image, etc. It will look at what you are doing when you get those... ED dips.

From there it will be looking at common links.

Then a compensatory strategy to get tackle those links OR if that is not possible a strategy to simply get you over the main issue. They will expect you to get a structured eating pattern.

This will hopefully get you to be able to face your fear foods as well. If there is a commonality between the foods then it will face the link, if not then you will simply try and incorporate those foods slowly back into your diet.

CBT is the 'best' therapy due to the fact that it is results based, there are clearly defined improvements.

Okay, thanks for the info :smile:

I really really hope this works.

Reply 2542

abi93

Hi everyone! I've been lurking and reading through this board and it's actually really helped seeing that people feel exactly the same as I do about certain things, and (there's no way to stop this sounding majorly cliche :P) that I'm not alone. So I thought I'd finally contribute something!

I started wanting to loose weight last spring, and I've lost about 2 stone, which at first I was SO happy about when the weight came dropping off but then it reached the point where it's like taking over my life and my days just revolve around food and I HATE it, I just want to go back to how it was before when I wouldn't think twice about it - sometimes I even feel like I'd rather go back to being bigger and more carefree, than thinner but stressed all the time - and other times I think I'm crazy for thinking that, and being thinner is well worth the addedd stress. But I really do hate it. The idea of bring able to just sit and eat something without counting calories has become completely foreign to me - I need to know exactly what I'm consuming so I much prefer to eat things in individual packets, and otherwise I have to weigh everything out (for example when grating cheese). At uni I can obviously control this easily as I buy my own food, and when I go home I'm fine cause we tend to have ready meals which clearly say the calories, or I look at the individual parts of a meal's calories, but when I go to my dad's house it's often home cooked meals where I have absolutely no clue how many calories there are and it stresses me out so much! So then the next day I'll have to restrictmyself just in case I went over the daily amount I set myself - which I then feel bad for in case I was actually under my daily amount, but the fact is I have no way of knowing so I have to restrict myself just in case :s-smilie:

When I first went to uni (I'm still in my first year) I didn't want my flat mates to pick up on anything and think I was wierd, so I really made an effort not to be so fixated on food - things like just cooking pasta without weighing it first, and for a while it really worked and I was fine - and then about a month in I just suddenly got really paranoid I'd put on loads of weight without noticing, so I went out and brought scales there and then and even though I hadn't put any weight on, I think just the act of weighing myself triggered it all off again and I went back to counting exact calories and planning my food the day before. And recently I've been having the problem that I'm ALWAYS hungary. I think I'd genuinly forgotten what hunger felt like when I was at my worst, but I recognised that it really wasn't good to restrict myself like that - especially since I was about to start my a levels so logically knew I needed the food for energy if I was to do well - so I started gradually increasing my daily allowance of calories (I have to have 1350 at the moment - I try to hit it exactly and not go over or under), and I think the act of eating more has made me recognise hunger again - which I guess should be a good thing but I hate it! After I've eaten I like count down the hours till my next meal and I tend to schedule my day around food so now I just feel like I'm making my life revolve around it and missing out on things. And I've had a couple of instances where I've been loosing control a bit and completely binging - I did it christmas day, after everyone had gone to bed I ate my entire selection box (which I almost cried when I unwrapped on christmas morning cause I felt it would lead to something like that happening), a whole bag of chocolate coins and like a quarter of a box of christmas biscuits. And the same thing the other day, after everyone was in bed I snuck a load of food in to my bedroom and did it again. And as good as it felt at the time, I immediately regretted it after and then had to seriously lower my calorie intake for following few days.

So basically I recognise that I clearly have some kind of problem but at the same time kind of feel like a fake for thinking that, because of things like the occasional excessive eating and because I'll eat things like cheese or a chocolate bar - which I would never have considered eating when I was at my worst! And also because I do recognise that I'm too thin when I see myself in photos and stuff, and part of me does want to put on weight - which is why I've been increasing my calorie intake. But I'm TERRIFIED of putting too much on, I just want to go up to the healthy category for my bmi and stay at the lower end of it, so when I gain weight part of me is happy but part of me is scared it's happening too quickly and I might go over my target and then have to go back to retricting myself to 500ish calories like I did in the beginning which I hate the thought of having to do again!

I've seen posters at my university for a help group about eating disorders which I've been tempted to go to, but I kind of feel almost like too much of a fraud to go, and I'm also scared cause I've NEVER talked to anybody about this, this is the closest I've come too which is fine cause it's online, but the thought of actually talking to people about it face to face is terrifying! (Obviously my parents have noticed I've lost weight and even threatend to take me to the doctors, but I managed to convince them it was the stress of a levels (cause it was around that time when they were really concerned) my mum still tends to weigh me every time I'm back from uni but I make sure I've drunk alot before hand and that I'm wearing a hoodie or something heavy, so my weight shows up as 3 pounds or so heavier, and I've been eating a lot more than I used to anyway so they've relaxed about it alot and accepted I must have just lost my "puppy fat" or something.)

Anyway, this is incredibly long and rambly haha and I'm not sure what I'm really expecting to get from finally telling someone (even faceless people on the internet :P) but it felt oddly therapeutic writing it all down so I guess that's something!

Reply 2543

xAditi

Original post by TotoMimo

The problem is, within these capped confines, I do not often follow a normal routine. I'll either go all-out balls-to-the-wall decadence ("Screw you ED, I'm going out for a meal tonight!") or odd restriction (small meals and occasionally getting rather drunken).

I've mentioned to my psychotherapist who mentioned to me that it's normal to have these "safe zones" and allow the ED to run riot within it, it's almost like a mental "pen" you've put the beast in.

I just wondered if anyone else had experienced this particular ailment.

Potential Trigger:

Very true. I've been eating normally (with a few occasional mistakes) for a few months. But today my mom wasn't home and my dad was out until dinner, so I had black coffee for dinner and a quarter cup of black tea for lunch. I felt really dizzy in the evening when I was taking a shower, and then ate a really small dinner (approx. 150 cal). I was STARVING, but I guess I was just testing myself to see if I still had it in me to fast. But after having a heart-to-heart with my absolute best girlfriend, where I asked if it would be okay to have a few M&Ms or biscuits, she said she would kill me if I didn't and to go eat as much as I wanted and so I said scream you ED, and I've eaten 5 peanut M&Ms and 2 pecans thus far :biggrin:

Sorry for the rant, I just wanted to say that EDs are like our own personal monsters, but we CAN be in charge of them with the correct combination of factors.

Reply 2544

xAditi

Original post by abi93

and I think the act of eating more has made me recognise hunger again - which I guess should be a good thing but I hate it! After I've eaten I like count down the hours till my next meal and I tend to schedule my day around food so now I just feel like I'm making my life revolve around it and missing out on things. And I've had a couple of instances where I've been loosing control a bit and completely binging - I did it christmas day, after everyone had gone to bed I ate my entire selection box (which I almost cried when I unwrapped on christmas morning cause I felt it would lead to something like that happening), a whole bag of chocolate coins and like a quarter of a box of christmas biscuits. And the same thing the other day, after everyone was in bed I snuck a load of food in to my bedroom and did it again. And as good as it felt at the time, I immediately regretted it after and then had to seriously lower my calorie intake for following few days.

This. I hadn't thought of how to put this into words before.

Reply 2545

Riku

Guys, I'm becoming hyper-sugar sensitive. I'm getting the symptoms of a sugar-rush after things like milk, a piece of fruit, or 2 rounds of sandwiches. Just now I've gone on a high off a glass of orange juice :s-smilie:

Is this normal or is the condition getting worse? God forgive me but I'm having to up protein, down carbs to curb it and it's working but I have to be careful because this could result in a relapse into restriction. I'm eating whenever I'm hungry or as soon as possible once I register the hunger so why is this happening? : /

Reply 2546

Anonymous #50

Original post by Riku

Are you sure this is not psychological? I don't want to call you a hypochondriac but your anxiety about food might interpret the reactions you have to food wrongly.
I mean, it's all you do now isn't it? Your head's full of food thoughts, and has space for little else.

Reply 2547

Antiaris

2 things;

People who go from very low BMI to normal BMI have an increased risk of diabetes.
People who are at a low BMI tend to have a higher sugar sensitivity

Though I must say some of it DOES sound like quite a bit of it is psychological, i.e. the main sugar in milk is lactose. Only your pancreas produces lactase, meaning it wouldn't be metabolised until it reached the small intestine, which would be 1/2 hour to 2 hours at least if you are drinking it on an EMPTY stomach.

Reply 2548

Anonymous #50

Stupid, stupid brain. Binging.

Spoiler

arrrgh

Reply 2549

TotoMimo

Anonymous, it's an unfortunate cycle but a BREAKABLE one!

You have to wonder WHY you'd see yourself as worthless. In what capacity? In relation or comparison to someone else? And if you ARE comparing to someone else, why? They are not you and you are not them. You are unique, the perfect representation of who you can be.

You can sculpt or mold yourself both mentally and physically, but do it for YOU and YOU ALONE.

Incidentally, I have experienced anxiety as I have severe osteoperosis and at a BMI of 16, being told to hard-gain means all the weight is going into an increasingly fatty stomach paunch which I'm personally not fond of. It doesn't mean I am disgusting; this is just something about me that makes me, me. At some point when I am healthier I will perhaps sculpt myself physically, but until I am healthy enough, and until I am mentally able to accept myself in my entirety... this is who I am. :smile:

Reply 2550

Riku

Original post by Antiaris

Wasn't aware of either of these, thanks Antiaris! But is this increased risk severe or entirely dependent on the rate and style of weight gain? Also, is there any food which would give you a sugar-rush that might concern me at the moment which I wouldn't expect? (For example, am I actually making myself high off dates and sultanas, because I'm going bananas about fruit?)

Original post by Anonymous

Yeah, it probably is primarily psychological Anon. Especially if, as Antiaris says, people at a low BMI are more sugar-sensitive It's just strange that even when we aren't thinking about food, we're subconsciously thinking about food, and for me even that subconscious fear or apprehension's gone to the degree of bringing out physical symptoms. Glad to say I can now get food off my mind, until it's mentioned or in front of me-that's when it becomes an obsession or phobia again. I do at least have some other interests again.

Original post by TotoMimo

Good way of putting it, Toto. This is denitely how I'm trying to overcome compulsive exercise. I don't like the way I've gone from being able to run a mile in 5 minutes to getting puffed climbing a flight or two of stairs, but being able to run won't instantly make me happy again. Only a healthy mind and soul can create a truly healthy body. It might help to think, how would we treat ourselves if we were wheelchair-bound or entirely paralysed for the rest of our lives? Hopefully the way we'd treat ourselves anyway-kindly, compassionately and with a heap of TLC :smile:

Reply 2551

TotoMimo

I think I'm fighting what I would call a conflict of interests.

I WANT to gain weight and am now above 7 stone mark again. I have developed a newfound hunger which is a double-edged sword presenting itself vivaciously over the festive period. But there are repercussions and anxieties.

For one, my anorexia has left me with severe osteoperosis. I broke my wrist not too long ago simply sitting down on my bed. This means I am not allowed to exercise AT ALL. But I'm being asked to eat 2500-3000 kcals a day.

Through this I've learned to indulge and enjoy, broaden my horizons, eat more than just various vegetables and fruits, etc. But over the festive period, it's meant FEASTS. I've just went to town, enjoying everything and hitting my targets.

However the weight CONTINUES to go solely to my stomach. It's now fatty and soft when once it was flat. My lower stomach forms a "captial D" if looked at from the side. I want to feel good about my weight gain but when it presents itself in a way that goes against everything I hoped WOULDN'T happen, it's proving hard.

Moreover, my newfound hunger is scaring me somewhat. My therapist says it is entirely normal to regain an almost mad appetite, but I mean, at any opportunity, I'm asking my family if they want to go out for a meal or whatever. Anything so I can be exciting and decadent for the day.

These issues are assuredly "normal" to someone in my scenario, but they sure as hell are not feeling that way...

Reply 2552

Antiaris

Gonna give you my personal experience.

It WILL concentrate on the stomach.

It WILL redistribute around the body.

The thing is, I'm sure you've heard about it a few times now, body fat will accumulate around the regions of need, i.e. the major organs. When the body has decided that 'yes, I have got enough food', it will go back to where it naturally sits. This will require regular large amounts of food.

With myself the redistribution somehow took the matter of a week. Pooch today, bum tomorrow.

The hunger is PERFECTLY natural. I had the same. I was fudge monkering ravenous. Indulge a little.

Also on the osteoparosis front, I know you've probably done some research yourself but here are a couple o' extra tidbits.

Tannins in tea and coffee inhibit calcium absorption.
Absorption of calicum is MASSIVELY increased with honey, some crazy percentage like 1000%. (Honey and greek yogurt!)
Calcium means nothing if you don't take in enough Vitamin D. Eggs, supplements... go crazy. Eat it with fat as it is a fat soluble vitamin.
Make sure to get enough Vitamin K too! It's vital for bone metabolism, meaning that your low density bones would be replaced and repaired at a greater rate.

Reply 2553

Anonymous #50

Toto, give your tummy time! The fat on it will redistribute in a while, but what's most important to protect right now is your organs, and they lay bare where there's no bones. So all the fat comes and sits there. This little pouch (which looks bigger to you than anyone else anyway, trust me) will soon disappear, but only if your body can be sure that it doesn't have to starve again, and that the worst is over now. Make your body trust you.

Reply 2554

Cinamon

It's probably a sign that I should stop watching so much TV... but...

I mainly watch channel 4 and E4 programs - and almost EVERY advert is about dieting, low fat blah blah and are there to make you feel awful about over-indulging over christmas. This has made my anxiety hit the roof and am breaking down with guilt over every bite. Is anyone else finding themselves affected by everyone's dieting talk?

Reply 2555

Anonymous #4

Keep repeating bad behaviours again :/ I'm under a lot of stress with exams and job interviews which I know I shouldn't use as an excuse..

Reply 2556

Anonymous #4

Original post by TotoMimo

This is basically exactly what I do Toto, I convince myself it's fine because I "recognise" when I've lost too much so should gain (but I don't in the healthy way), but when I gain too much the ED comes back out to haunt me. But this way I convince myself that there's no point in getting help because somehow i'm in control.. but I really know I can't continue like this. So i'm trapped in a circle really. :/ That and the fact that my lower "caps" are getting steadily lower.

Reply 2557

Anonymous #4

Sorry I've made lots of anon posts, if I wasn't anon i'dve edited them into one long one!

Spoiler

I can relate, I had a rant a few pages back about feeling like a fraud and never admitting my issues to anyone except for a few pages back - convincing my parents i'm fine and making sure when I do eat it's in front of them so they know i'm eating etc. I'd be completely hypocritical telling you to go and seek help, but I did seek help for another psychological disorder (anxiety) and it was probably one of the best things i've done (my issue now is that i'm worried about admitting my ED, even though it's often linked to anxiety, because I would have to go and speak to the same people I spoke to before and I don't know if they'd believe me or think i'm just attention seeking/want to have a new problem).

Seriously though, you're putting your body through stress that could have long term damage - you're not a fraud for seeking help, simply someone who deserves to get better! I'm working myself up to go and speak to my GP about it but first am going to tell a friend.

Do you have anyone offline you don't know deeply but you could speak to such as a personal tutor at uni or your GP? Why not send an anonymous email to your university's counselling service?

Reply 2558

Riku

Got my re-referral through to outpatient. Haven't truly "binged" today but have had a mild moment of compulsive eating which has made me start ruminating again. Help please? [warning: doesn't shut up about food]

Spoiler

Can there be any explanation for this?
Also:

Spoiler

What to do? : /

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 2559

TotoMimo

Riku, it may not be the SOURCE of your problem, but like me, you seem to have a very difficult-to-accept issue which exacerbates the ED...

You think about it all too much.

Much as I do, you analyse, criticise, calculate, denominate, degrade and synthesise your issues trying to reach the absolute atom of the problem when there is no such thing. Our problems are incredibly complex.

For example, I too appear to be going through an "All or nothing" phase of eating where I either take in very little or eat until I am in pain. If I'm having an "eating day", I just go mental.

Last month I was a "regular" restrictive-type anorexic who would never have contemplated such behaviour.

Before that, I was an OCD anorexic. And so forth.

What I'm saying is, nothing is "normal" or "default", really, bud. Sadly, it's very complicated, and our logic dictates we should simplify and solve, when in reality we're just stoking the flames by adding new cerebral elements and superfluous issues into the fray.

Spoiler