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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    Custardcream, you are beautiful. You are a great incarnation of what you are. But you are definitely in pain. There's no doubt about that. Your poor body is suffering, and when it gains some weight, strength and mass, you'll be perfect! You've got your future mapped out; strong and carved out for you, it goes to show that even a mind with an ED has the capability of reaching great things, but to reach AMAZING things, you need your mind to be focused on the field in which you're submersed.

    Do you really want to be worried about how many calories were in that piece of chewing gum you were eating in the exam when that time could be spent considering what the medical formulae are in a difficult question? I'm sure it's an easy answer.

    But of course, you and I both know the answers. The tough thing is enduring, understanding and beating it into submission, honey.

    Custard, you really are amazing to ensure what you do... but your "superhuman self" will only last so long.

    I send my love to you XXX
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    mum just made a comment after i made a brown bread cheese and onion crisp sandwhich ''what is wrong with you firstly on a diet secondly doesnt eat for days now eating anything'' yes mothers are so ****ing observational i hate it this is why i cant get down to my ideal weight right now im in a room full of chocolates i hate myself i cant trust myself and i cant stop eating despite wanting to and hating myself for eating i hate food yet i love it at the same time

    custard cream your eyes look weak youre doing yourself serious damage by purging please please try and get help to stop spit the food out instead of purging
    i wish i was skinny. i want to be but whilst im at home i cant be. starting a uni course in september want to be healthy but right now i look pregnant yet cant stop eating i went on a 5 day fast want to start another one tomorrow cut out carbs i hate myself i hate life i just cannot get control cos of those around me wanting me to eat i hate them and i hate me
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    it's so terrible. no one forces me to eat yet i get paranoid and eat to please them knowing i dont want to. yet when im alone i do want to eat. yet i also have gone days without eating. and im wanting to start again but the hardest part is going that first day without eating anything.

    and then waking up to smells of mums cooking your favourite foods not being able to resist them.i hate myself and my ED and my fat body.
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    (Original post by laurenl93)
    DON'T purge. Just, don't.

    I'll tell you a little bit how I started (in the hope it may help you even the tiniest bit) I could never make myself sick, I always remember the first time I tried was when I was about 10/11 and I felt sick at a party but couldn't do it at all. It was over the years that every now and then I'd 'give it a try' just to see until I was about 14/15 and suddenly WHEWWW i had just been sick, it wasn't much, but still, it was some of my dinner. It was in the summer of school and it was over that summer that I 'developed my technique' in a way that I knew exactly the pressure point, the standing position, everything for purging anything
    And now, the purging isn't aomethign I enjoy it's just routine, a horrible self destructive routine that I don't know how to live without and redefine myself into a 'normal' person who doesn't do it, I just cant comprehend a life where you don't purge a meal which isn't to my low cal food standards

    Your heart definitely suffers love, as does your hair, skin, TEETH, nails, knuckles, oesophagus, taste receptors on your Tongue and your self esteem

    I know you didn't say you were going to do it, but I read that and it reminded me of myself before the ed
    oh yes, oh yes. BMI ~13 i can logically 'convince myself' to eat a legit 'healthy' meal. from an anorexic POV logically it is fine, ok, not 'greedy' nor 'disallowed'.
    but i cannot for the life of me allow it to digest.
    and it takes a good 4-6 hours now for my stomach to work. all it takes during THAT TIME to keep it in, is ONE slip.
    and its gone.

    its not much fun. and it WILL kill you quicker than just restricting alone.
    __________________

    BTW, were most people here aware, that the LEADING course of death in AN sufferers (ie ~20%) is through SUICIDE?
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    (Original post by laurenl93)
    My best friend is the only one who I've admitted it to and I've old her never to try an be sick on your own accord. Never good. I've never met someone with an ed that I could openly talk to, it must be nice?
    It's sort of good and sort of bad. I go out for coffee about once a month with my best friend with an ED and it's good because it means we can both sort of pretend to be normal with each other for a little while and it's nice because we both understand what it's like but it's bad because we met in hospital and it's a reminder of being in the ED 'world', so to speak. It's definitely much easier to speak to her than my friends without an ED, it's like the elephant in the room really and I've been friends with them for about 7 years! Oddly enough though, my non ED friend with mental health issues is the next best person to talk to. That's not to say that my other friends aren't understanding but I'm not as close as I used to be with them because I feel so disconnected from them and I don't know how to reconnect because I have so much in my head. Tbh, I find it difficult to talk openly about the ED with anyone whether they have an ED or not. If they do I worry about triggering them- but it's more likely they trigger me- but if they don't I worry about being judged. That's why this thread is really helpful because we're all relatively anonymous and it's 'ok' to rant and you know no-one will judge you. I still feel so ashamed about it.
    I spoke to my best friend without an ED about it when I went to stay with her at her uni and was really struggling and she didn't understand why I couldn't eat if I just remembered that people loved me and she told me that she once made herself sick after meals because she thought she was fat and then her girlfriend begged her not to and she stopped. I tried to explain to her what living with it was like but I don't think she understood.
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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    Oh my goodness, I was literally just talking to another friend about what I should do and she said exactly that, I never realised before. I was just saying how I need to stop talking to her about it because by doing so I'm normalising a thing which really shouldn't be normal, and she said 'you know she doesn't realise it but that's exactly what she's doing too.' Oh I feel awful now, I'm so selfish! It's so so true though.






    I don't know if she's telling me every time; she tells me every few days but I don't know if that is every time. She's certainly always made herself out to have a much more established ED than she actually does - not at all saying it's attention-seeking but a lot of it is going on in her head, she's actually often pretty good at sorting out the logical stuff from the crazy bits and eating anyway.

    Sorry about your bad day :hugs: Totally know what you mean by this, at my peak of 'recovery' I used to be able to eat crisps and chocolate fine as I'd previously been totally unable to eat them and I knew this was something I was now 'allowed' but I still couldn't eat a whole sandwich made with TWO slices of bread as that was just totally off the cards - even if the bread was wholemeal and the filling was lettuce! So weird. Anyway, I was trying to find your 'new motto' that you wrote the other day but I couldn't find it, something like 'Tomorrow will be better' - so, that Tomorrow you will start again and it'll work out better.



    I feel like you just described my life; I never realised other people started so young too, I thought I was a proper weird kid. But for anonymous, I just want to emphasise that it is absolutely VILE when the only thing you can imagine doing after eating a meal that you actually enjoyed and that someone cooked for you with love, is excusing yourself from a whole group of people you really want to stay sitting and chatting with, running up the stairs and spending 15 minutes emptying it all out. And then going downstairs and pretending that everything's fine and hoping nobody's noticed your knuckles and how bad your breath smells and how wet your eyes are and how much your legs are shaking.
    So yes, it gets physically easier, but it's horrible when it does.
    Oh hun, you are NOT selfish. You're suffering. I can't for the life of me remember what I wrote haha, but yeah, tomorrow WILL be better. For all of us! It has to be because the second we stop fighting is the second this ****** life stealing disease wins. You're all way too lovely to have your life ruined by this ****.
    :hugs:

    Oh and I managed to have some bread. Want to stab my stomach now but aw well. It's in there. :rolleyes:
    (Original post by NotSoCool.Fly)
    mum just made a comment after i made a brown bread cheese and onion crisp sandwhich ''what is wrong with you firstly on a diet secondly doesnt eat for days now eating anything'' yes mothers are so ****ing observational i hate it this is why i cant get down to my ideal weight right now im in a room full of chocolates i hate myself i cant trust myself and i cant stop eating despite wanting to and hating myself for eating i hate food yet i love it at the same time

    custard cream your eyes look weak youre doing yourself serious damage by purging please please try and get help to stop spit the food out instead of purging
    i wish i was skinny. i want to be but whilst im at home i cant be. starting a uni course in september want to be healthy but right now i look pregnant yet cant stop eating i went on a 5 day fast want to start another one tomorrow cut out carbs i hate myself i hate life i just cannot get control cos of those around me wanting me to eat i hate them and i hate me
    With all due respect, that's not much better. I used to/still do that sometimes and it ****s with your teeth and gives you heartburn/stomach issues/bloating. It's STILL disordered. She needs to know how to keep food in, not get it out again. It was actually the FIRST eating disordered behaviour I had, years before I got ill with AN and it's actually just as addictive as B/Ping. Is being 'skinny' worth ****** up your life and health? And 'getting control' isn't actually starving yourself, it's living without food controlling your life and hating yourself. I know I sound like the biggest hypocrite ever but you need to get some help. Ignore your mum's comment. :hugs: Oh and if you *actually* can't stop eating, it might have something to do with going on 5 day fasts. If you eat each day- easier said than done, I know- the binging will abate a bit. :hugs:


    (Original post by *custardcream)
    oh yes, oh yes. BMI ~13 i can logically 'convince myself' to eat a legit 'healthy' meal. from an anorexic POV logically it is fine, ok, not 'greedy' nor 'disallowed'.
    but i cannot for the life of me allow it to digest.
    and it takes a good 4-6 hours now for my stomach to work. all it takes during THAT TIME to keep it in, is ONE slip.
    and its gone.

    its not much fun. and it WILL kill you quicker than just restricting alone.
    __________________

    BTW, were most people here aware, that the LEADING course of death in AN sufferers (ie ~20%) is through SUICIDE?
    I knew that. It really doesn't surprise me. I do wonder whether those who are gaining weight/weight restored have a higher suicide rate than those who are pretty low weights.

    And it's so funny how ED 'logic' works. Apparently, the only time I get to have a meal is when I know I can afford to gain weight- even though a frigging meal doesn't make you gain weight! Apparently right now, every bit of food I eat is superfluous and I'm a greedy *****- or rather my stomach is a greedy *****- for being hungry. I mean, really, who wants a brain that can concentrate on anything other than the calories of whatever I last ingested? And a working body? God, so overrated! :rolleyes: I'm sort of glad I can't purge because if I'd actually suceeded everytime I'd tried, I know for sure I'd be a lot more physically ill than I am now. I think in my case, it's my subconscious trying to protect me because I actually have a fear of vomiting. I think it must make recovery a lot harder too because you have two things to fight really, actually eating and then actually keeping it down. :hugs:
    I'm going to take great pleasure in eating absolutely anything I want. And I will NOT binge and I will not cry. I'll show the ****** ED who controls me. I do. No stupid piece of poo in my head is going to tell me I can't have a bowl of branflakes.
    I'm starting to feel quite angry with it now, which is a good change. **** anorexia. I don't need it. I'm sure I'm strong enough to live without it!
    I have a coffee revision date with one of my friends from school tomorrow and I'm going to have something to drink. And I'm going to eat. I will NOT feel guilty because I need to eat because the only thing that will make me feel worse than eating is missing my grades for my firm because I'm not eating enough.
    *trying to rationalise things*

    :hugs: to everyone. I'm off to bed. Don't know why I'm not there already when I have to get up at 8.
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    You know what's amazing? Kebabbi, diamonddust, custardcream, in fact just about everyone in this thread has changed so dramatically over the past few weeks of just discussing things on this forum thread.

    Think back to the sheer level of negativity and poor logic, clouded ED-fuelled judgement we all had. And now, everyone's taking steps. Baby steps, but steps nonetheless. Eating something and keeping it down, getting a better understanding of the reasons behind why these disorders developed in our mind and lifestyles... these are things that help the healing process tremendously.

    I also have something of an announcement to make.

    Although I was 94.8lb yesterday, last night after I'd taken in my allocated calories from my meal plan, mum came in from her work's night out. She had fish and chips, and I ate it despite knowing I went over my allocation. I just really, really love fish and chips and haven't had some in ages. Nonetheless I have no idea how much of this is salt/water retention, but this morning when I Triple-Doubleyou'd (Woke, Washed, Weighed!) I weighed 97.4lb - 3 pounds more - and that puts me right at the SEVEN STONE mark!

    Like I said, I have no idea if it's real weight gain or anything;but seven stone will be the heaviest I have been since 2009. My mind is conflicted to holy hell but I know this is for the absolute best. At this point I'm almost like, "Screw it. The weight is going on - it will be going on whether it takes a week, a year - it NEEDS to go on me." Knowing it's inevitable makes this easier.

    That said, I am still undoubtedly terrified.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    You know what's amazing? Kebabbi, diamonddust, custardcream, in fact just about everyone in this thread has changed so dramatically over the past few weeks of just discussing things on this forum thread.

    Think back to the sheer level of negativity and poor logic, clouded ED-fuelled judgement we all had. And now, everyone's taking steps. Baby steps, but steps nonetheless. Eating something and keeping it down, getting a better understanding of the reasons behind why these disorders developed in our mind and lifestyles... these are things that help the healing process tremendously.

    I also have something of an announcement to make.

    Although I was 94.8lb yesterday, last night after I'd taken in my allocated calories from my meal plan, mum came in from her work's night out. She had fish and chips, and I ate it despite knowing I went over my allocation. I just really, really love fish and chips and haven't had some in ages. Nonetheless I have no idea how much of this is salt/water retention, but this morning when I Triple-Doubleyou'd (Woke, Washed, Weighed!) I weighed 97.4lb - 3 pounds more - and that puts me right at the SEVEN STONE mark!

    Like I said, I have no idea if it's real weight gain or anything;but seven stone will be the heaviest I have been since 2009. My mind is conflicted to holy hell but I know this is for the absolute best. At this point I'm almost like, "Screw it. The weight is going on - it will be going on whether it takes a week, a year - it NEEDS to go on me." Knowing it's inevitable makes this easier.

    That said, I am still undoubtedly terrified.
    And it's all thanks to you thank you so much for this thread! I'm proud of us all

    Secondly, that fish and chips is an amazing achievement so well done! But what's even more of an achievement is the positive attitude towards it. I don't want to put a downer on it but, realistically, at some point the 'terrified' part is going to win over the awesome 'Screw it' part of your mind and you'll start panicking about the 7 there. I just want to say, when that happens, I think you should come back and read the post you just wrote because to me that just seems so, so full of optimism. Like you said, we're taking baby steps here - but they're all steps in the right direction. For a couple of hours, the 7 might seem like the most terrifying thing in the world, but with every step you take it's only going to get easier. So well done

    Oh and custard, I know you won't believe me but you are stunning. And you'd be even more stunning if you could put a bit of weight on
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    I agree, our custard would look incredible if she could fight off the ED long enough to gain a bit of weight!

    Kebabbi, the seven stone mark terrifies me. Some of you will know that when you're hovering below the stone mark, or whatever - if you've got a "cap" that you're sitting under, it's comfortable. It's like a safety net. "so what if I screw up today and eat a cake and gain a pound. I STILL won't go over the stone mark, I have the wiggle room!" is what you say - but now, I'm there. I'm at the cap. This is probably a vital point for me as this is where I would panic and restrict. Like being pressed up against the side of a bubble and being told what I need to do is push myself right through it, when in reality I want to back off and give myself that "breathing room" again. The restriction is familiar, it's known, it's comfortable. Being seven stone SOMETHING is terrifying. Being seven stones is terrifying, but at least it's concise. It's like a milestone. And when you reach a milestone, it's like... look how far I've come... but look at how far ahead into the unknown I can see. It's easier just to walk back into the easy, comfortable weight-loss restriction regime than it is to continue to gain an undisclosed amount of weight for an undisclosed amount of time....
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    My mum said a very uplifting thing to me just there. She said that my eyes smile when I do, again. She said that it seemed that I wasn't completely *there* sometimes when I was at my worst; but now, "her boy is coming back", and that she sees it in my eyes that my smiles are genuine.

    http://i1125.photobucket.com/albums/.../WP_000307.jpg

    I guess she's right; I feel a little stronger, a little more energetic, a bit more... happy. I still feel puffy and bloated despite having only gained like, 3-4 pounds thus far, though; I still scrutinise myself every single moment of the day, telling myself I look like I've doubled in size. But when someone says a nice thing like my mum just did, it gives you a little booster. X
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    I know the feeling Toto, in both respects!

    a) Feel as if I've gained a ton.
    b) Felt so proud when the 'life' returned to me! Twas' a month and a half after leaving Uni.



    Currently in a good period, after going through a down patch a little earlier. Threw up last night and this morning (before breakfast after some grapes, out of anything) but filled up since then and am currently full of stewed apple and custard. Custard is an incredibely safe food for me for some reason. Anything with high amounts of Omega-3 (egg yolk) tends to put me in a good mood. Omega-3 is heavily linked to some forms of depression and eating disorders. I found the research about that AFTER finding that omega-3 foods made me feel better, reinforcing the idea that it isn't placebo.

    I've read about it somewhere where after gaining the first place for it to appear will be around the vital organ, causing a bloated look before the weight (muscle and fat) spreads more evenly. I'm wondering if anybody else has found something similar. I became nervous due to the bloated look this morning but I am posting this to reassure myself AND OTHERS if they are going through the same thing. Any bloating in areas will even out. Any bloating is simply the body fixing the vital organs.

    ~Antiaris
    [8 stone-1 pound-2 ounces][5'9"]
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    Firstly I want to commend all of you for speaking so openly and supporting each other so well. I am the mother of a 17yr old with an ED but I was also a sufferer myself for many years durung my teens.

    I want to say life after an ED isn't always easy BUT it is so so good not to have your life run for you, the moment you take control back for your life is immense and worth all the heartache you will go through to get there. PLEASE PLEASE keep trying, even if it is 2 steps forward and 1 back, it IS forward! If you have a bad day today, start again tomorrow.

    Now to my question if that is ok, my 17yr old has been a sufferer for approx 3 years, alternating between binging/purging and starving herself. Whilsy she has been away at college she has got into the routine of b/ping at weekends and only having fluids during the week She is due to come back in 4 weeks and we have discussed how it will be, she is concerned I will find it hard to see her the way she is, (although she is a normal bmi) As a mum it is incredibly hard to know your dd isn't eating, should I leave her to it as she says this is what works for her, should I try and encourage her to eat although it probably won't stay in long?

    What can I do to support her?
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    (Original post by Antiaris)

    I've read about it somewhere where after gaining the first place for it to appear will be around the vital organ, causing a bloated look before the weight (muscle and fat) spreads more evenly. I'm wondering if anybody else has found something similar. I became nervous due to the bloated look this morning but I am posting this to reassure myself AND OTHERS if they are going through the same thing. Any bloating in areas will even out. Any bloating is simply the body fixing the vital organs.

    ~Antiaris
    [8 stone-1 pound-2 ounces][5'9"]
    I've read this too, and find it probably THE most offputting thing when you start gaining again. I've gotten a little better since learning that it's a totally normal thing, most of it is actually just water, and if I carry on gaining it all evens out until I actually have a slimmer tummy than I do when I've not eaten in weeks... but even when you know this, it's still so easy to say 'look at your stomach, you can't possibly eat any more.' I guess it's just the logic vs ED 'bubble' again
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    (how good you look now vs how you looked then?

    i was told to look at it as a pack of digestives. 2-3 is fab. a little bit - awesome.
    the whole packet? nah-uh.

    )

    the weight gain to stomach TOTALLY normal and WILL redistribute with time.

    morrisman i am going to pm you xx
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    hi

    i really need some help. i've been struggling with an eating disorder for over a year i go through periods of starving myself and feeling strong and in control to periods of binging and being sick constantly. recently everything has taken a turn for the worst, everything feels too much and too hard to cope. i feel like im binging constantly and throwing up and can't be bothered to stop it, i think i feel overwhelmed by the pressure of exams and also the pain of an unwanted pregnancy (at 17) and losing the baby.

    i have a long distance relationship with the perfect boyfriend, although recently i can't help but push away all his help to the point where hes even said its me or the diet. i know what i want to do is starve myself untill i get the help i need in hospital but i know that its stupid to start all that again just before i take my alevels.

    i have no motivation to do anything, i need to go and get anti-depressants from the doctor but i keep putting it off, i have no energy to revise and im constantly thinking about how to get rid of the disgusting weight i've put on so quickly. most of the time i think about how much easier it would be if i was dead. my parents never understand how i'm feeling and act like i can eat normal if i want to, i can't. i just need some support and advice, i honestly think i should stop eating untill im forced to get looked after because everytime i go to the doctors all i can say is how great i'm doing, the same with the psychologist who i told to stop my treatment!

    i'm so confused

    please help me

    x
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    You know what's amazing? Kebabbi, diamonddust, custardcream, in fact just about everyone in this thread has changed so dramatically over the past few weeks of just discussing things on this forum thread.

    Think back to the sheer level of negativity and poor logic, clouded ED-fuelled judgement we all had. And now, everyone's taking steps. Baby steps, but steps nonetheless. Eating something and keeping it down, getting a better understanding of the reasons behind why these disorders developed in our mind and lifestyles... these are things that help the healing process tremendously.

    I also have something of an announcement to make.

    Although I was 94.8lb yesterday, last night after I'd taken in my allocated calories from my meal plan, mum came in from her work's night out. She had fish and chips, and I ate it despite knowing I went over my allocation. I just really, really love fish and chips and haven't had some in ages. Nonetheless I have no idea how much of this is salt/water retention, but this morning when I Triple-Doubleyou'd (Woke, Washed, Weighed!) I weighed 97.4lb - 3 pounds more - and that puts me right at the SEVEN STONE mark!

    Like I said, I have no idea if it's real weight gain or anything;but seven stone will be the heaviest I have been since 2009. My mind is conflicted to holy hell but I know this is for the absolute best. At this point I'm almost like, "Screw it. The weight is going on - it will be going on whether it takes a week, a year - it NEEDS to go on me." Knowing it's inevitable makes this easier.

    That said, I am still undoubtedly terrified.
    :hugs: Serious well done on the fish and chips! And thank YOU for this thread and your strength! I think you're so inspiring you can't help but be a good influence!
    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    And it's all thanks to you thank you so much for this thread! I'm proud of us all

    Secondly, that fish and chips is an amazing achievement so well done! But what's even more of an achievement is the positive attitude towards it. I don't want to put a downer on it but, realistically, at some point the 'terrified' part is going to win over the awesome 'Screw it' part of your mind and you'll start panicking about the 7 there. I just want to say, when that happens, I think you should come back and read the post you just wrote because to me that just seems so, so full of optimism. Like you said, we're taking baby steps here - but they're all steps in the right direction. For a couple of hours, the 7 might seem like the most terrifying thing in the world, but with every step you take it's only going to get easier. So well done

    Oh and custard, I know you won't believe me but you are stunning. And you'd be even more stunning if you could put a bit of weight on
    I was going to say that!

    I feel so awful right now. I've eaten too much today. I don't even have the excuse of needing to revise because I JUST ate. :sad:
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    hi

    i really need some help. i've been struggling with an eating disorder for over a year i go through periods of starving myself and feeling strong and in control to periods of binging and being sick constantly. recently everything has taken a turn for the worst, everything feels too much and too hard to cope. i feel like im binging constantly and throwing up and can't be bothered to stop it, i think i feel overwhelmed by the pressure of exams and also the pain of an unwanted pregnancy (at 17) and losing the baby.

    i have a long distance relationship with the perfect boyfriend, although recently i can't help but push away all his help to the point where hes even said its me or the diet. i know what i want to do is starve myself untill i get the help i need in hospital but i know that its stupid to start all that again just before i take my alevels.

    i have no motivation to do anything, i need to go and get anti-depressants from the doctor but i keep putting it off, i have no energy to revise and im constantly thinking about how to get rid of the disgusting weight i've put on so quickly. most of the time i think about how much easier it would be if i was dead. my parents never understand how i'm feeling and act like i can eat normal if i want to, i can't. i just need some support and advice, i honestly think i should stop eating untill im forced to get looked after because everytime i go to the doctors all i can say is how great i'm doing, the same with the psychologist who i told to stop my treatment!

    i'm so confused

    please help me

    x
    :hugs: Oh hun, you've gone through so much. :sad: I think you should print out this post and show your doctor/psychologist.

    Sorry I can't think of anything more to say right now, I'm not totally with it today.

    Update: If anyone was wondering how my day went after my vow to destroy anorexia... I tried. I spent the whole day revising. And it actually went in my head. I DID go to the coffee shop with my friend, psyched myself up and got a soy caramelatte and a breakfast bar thing. I managed to have 3/4s of the caramelatte before I freaked out but then I saw the breakfast bar had hair on it and obviously couldn't eat it and then got really scared thinking about what might have been in my latte. So it took me ages to eat anything after that. I stayed at the coffee shop for hours after my friend left, went home and made myself lunch and had to deal with my mum asking if it was all I was eating and then I felt so horribly sick. Then I went with my sister to her workplace and we both did work until like 11. I came home and ate what feels like far too much. I'm trying to look at it in a positive- at least I got some calories in me- way but all I can think about is what was in what I ate and how much weight I'm going to gain and how I'm greedy because I didn't even need to eat it. :afraid: I just hate this stupid fight every single day. And I haven't weighed myself. I know I've gained. I can't believe how easily this can make my mood drop.

    I'm trying to fight but I think the ED is still getting too much leeway. I feel awful saying this because my mum made me cookies but I really want to throw them away. I won't because I hate wasting food but having them in the house is making me want to cry. I'm just sick of food. I'm sick of eating it and thinking about it and wishing I could get rid of it. The only way to not obsess over it is to make sure I nourish myself properly but everything is scaring me atm. I don't really know what to do. The only thing I can do is keep trying. I'm just so tired.
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    It's fine, i've decided i'm going to go back to how i was because i'd rather diet than throw up. i don't trust myself to do this eating ****. i think i'll get more revision done because i wont be going out or anything. i think i just need to stop *****ing and moaning and feeling sorry for myself and do something about it i just hope i'll be able to revise.

    @ diamonddust, i think that you sound like a strong person, you know you want to get better and i think that if you give it time it will happen. you seem strong enough to do it goodluck

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    diamonddust, I'm sorry you had such a rough day. Focus on the positives though. You actively set out to try to beat it - admirable! Anyone'll tell you trying to take on ED head-on is nigh on impossible, so it was a bit ambitious, but like I said... I admire that.

    Perhaps you just set the sights too high. Maybe you need to start small, like introducing a tiny amount more into your diet. Just supplementing, not changing altogether and trying to return to "normality" immediately.

    Truth is, your mind is clearly still heavily clouded as to what weight gain actually entails. Logically, look at it like this:

    Your body uses a certain amount of calories as fuel every day to simply be alive. This is a constant and should be deducted from your total instantly. It's usually between 1200 and 1700 depending on what size of person you are; this is your Basal Metabolic Rate. Then, should you consider MOVING today (any kind of physical or mental exertion whatsoever, from walking to writing an essay to running the London marathon) you can shove on the calories used from that to calculate how many calories your body needs just to be in existence. It's usually between 1800 and 2800 in total depending on what kind of lifestyle you have.

    Then, if you wanted to gain a single pound, you would need to consume THOSE calories, plus 3500 (!) more.

    Was the cereal bar and drink you consumed (or rather, didn't) 5500 calories? I'm going to hazard a guess and say no, but of course your mental anxieties aren't addressed even though the facts clearly state it's a physiological impossibility for you to have gained weight (and in fact, your body is eating itself right now).

    I'll try to put it in perspective. Before I started recovery plan, my dietician noted that I was consuming 1500 (ish) calories. I thought this was a lot. I thought I was a "crap anorexic" because all the other anorexics were eating like, 500! But no - it was a comment she said that got me;

    "You do realise that an 8-year old little boy, a tiny little boy, is expected to have between 1600 and 1900 calories every day, don't you? And you're a fully grown MAN, and you have less than that."

    I was eating less than a primary school kid needs just to exist.

    Visual cues like that work best with me because my ED is obsessed with the numbers, but the artistic, REAL me sees things in colourful variants as opposed to cold binary.

    diamonddust, the word "calories" is interchangeable with the word "fuel". Remember that. "Calories" aren't "weight". Calories are FUEL. The train needs coal to run, and when the coal runs out they have to start smashing carriages for kindling to keep it running. Those carriages? Those are your liver, heart, kidneys.

    Keep taking the positive steps in the right direction because you're trying hard; don't fall back into the "comfort zone" of the ED, because make no mistake - your ED wants to kill you. Remember that above all else.

    These mental disorders we have want us dead. And I have too many people that I love, and that love me, to let it have what it wants.
 
 
 
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