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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. Watch

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    Things are looking up now.

    When I go back to university I am going to book a doctors appointment and ask for help. I think that I probably never stopped needing help, yes, for a while I was better at coping with my problems and eating habits but I wasn't able to keep it up - I don't think my mindset had changed enough no matter how much I wanted to believe that 'I didn't care about my weight anymore'

    I want to learn to accept myself beyond my weight and body image - and to fully believe that I am not my body or my weight. if that makes sense.
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    (Original post by Polly1101)
    I think rigidity during the first stages of recovery is key, but recovery steps up a little when one is able to break from the rigid structure, make rational decisions, not feel bad about it, and continue as normal. As lets be honest, everyday life will throw curveballs at us, and the ability to cope and be flexible is something that a person needs.

    On the other hand, i can imagine many people with EDs genuinely don't feel hunger even when they are, in which case it is important to have that last meal.

    I guess, if you know you have eaten enough according to your prescribed intake, then it would be perfectly ok to not have dinner, but maybe substitute it with a snack instead, so as to not get the 'yes i've skipped a meal' feeling.

    Are you able to share how it went for you?
    I had a mug of hot milk to wind down instead as I still felt pretty full and it worked a treat, thanks for asking
    Guess you're right about the stages of recovery. It's just scary how quickly the pace is quickening, in such a short time too! Today's my first exercise-free day day as well, guilt-free fortunately but I'm still a little anxious. You could even say scared. (I still have mild OCD tendencies such as believing not doing it every day combined with a heavy meal will instantly start breaking down my heart muscle. At least I recognise that's an irrational thought now!)
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    (Original post by Etoile)
    But it's the only thing I can count on. I know that when I skip three days' meals, I will be hungry, and then I will feel good about myself for a little while. People, they are not so dependable. I like competing against myself to see how much weight I can lose. I like feeling my ribs and knowing that my stomach is empty. I know it's bad for me and I will do myself harm, but I don't want to get better because it's one of the few things that gets me close to feeling.
    Glad that you can share some of the real concerns behind this. Bear in mind you said for yourself you'll feel better for a while. Temporary comfort. That's another thing about EDs: you can depend on them to never satisfy you forever. As I said, they're never happy, they always want more, they'll settle for nothing less than to see you broken. And one thing you can depend about people (bar the odd socio-path which I hope you never encounter!) is they won't usually try to harm you physically. There are those that might hurt you inside, but you don't have to then repeat it on yourself. You need to depend on your own right and ability as a worthy, capable human being regardless of what the outside world thinks, says and does. The world only holds as much power over you as you give it.
    It's clear these feelings dig deep for you, and I don't know your whole history nor would expect you to share it unless you want to. So please, for your sake, go tell someone and get the help you need and deserve.
    x
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    (Original post by Etoile)
    But it's the only thing I can count on. I know that when I skip three days' meals, I will be hungry, and then I will feel good about myself for a little while. People, they are not so dependable. I like competing against myself to see how much weight I can lose. I like feeling my ribs and knowing that my stomach is empty. I know it's bad for me and I will do myself harm, but I don't want to get better because it's one of the few things that gets me close to feeling.
    I know pretty much what you are saying. It's exactly what went through my head when I was at my 'worst'. I knew I had an eating disorder. I knew what it 'could' do to me.

    I didn't care.

    I was pretty much pressing the self-destruct button just because I COULD. That I WAS in control of me.

    It felt... good.

    Turned out that I was worse than I thought. I was getting awful stomach cramps, things downstairs were as lively as a mortuary (there, I said it), lower legs were aching AWFULLY, sleep was destroyed, had issues with continence, woke up repeatedly during the night to pee as my bladder had begun to eat itself.... I could go on.

    Didn't care. I could live with it.

    But what did that mean? I couldn't do the other things that I wanted to do. My options in life would become limited due to the pay to weight ratio became skewed in the anorexic category. Worst of all was what it did to the people I loved.

    My Mum cried when she saw me come off the train from Uni.

    Don't do that to the people you love. You aren't giving yourself anything, you are just taking away from the people who want to see you healthy.

    You want to feel, THEN LIVE. Live every heartbeat. It took me a year off from Uni to realise who I was. Gap year wasted at home? Like ass it was. Just find what makes you... you.




    Something about my therapy at the moment, unrelated.

    Spoiler:
    Show

    It's ending. 13 sessions out of a planned 20 and pretty much they say it's done all it can. Not sure if this is good or bad.

    I'm not sure whether this is gonna make me sound big headed or what, but my therapist said I was intelligent and due to that CBT was never going to be enough. It wouldn't hit the deep down issues that were at my core. She said I probably should look into the other therapies myself as she said I pretty much did the CBT on my own anyway (I bought the book, studied how to do it online, etc).

    Oh, also, side note;
    She said I was going to be her last CBT patient as I annoyed her so much with my doing the course ahead of time and making sessions so difficult. That I DO feel guilty about.

    Oh, and found out even though I was clinically anorexic I was put in the bulimic category as it started with bulimia. I was upped to level 3 due to how close I was to falling into the mentally anorexic category. (This annoyed me. My Mum came into my introductory session and said I would say I felt like I'd binged on a punnit of raspberries, etc. I never 'binged' per se. I always had SOME sentiment of control. I just felt guilty after eating.)

    There, my little self *****ing session.



    Interesting note;

    Get rid of an ED AS SOON AS YOU RECOGNISE IT. Apparently after 1 year with an ED the brain chemistry has changed so much that it becomes nigh on impossible to shift entirely BUT

    IT STILL IS POSSIBLE

    Push. Hard.

    You can do it.
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    Antiaris' post was very resonating as it brings to the surface one of the very important aspects of ED: That we are aware we are killing ourselves, that we are aware this disease will actually KILL us. END us. Make us DEAD.

    But the control it gives us is a drug that makes us feel it's important enough to pursue, to continue, to endeavour to stick to.

    It's the same as smoking, really; except far more severe.

    Every packet of cigarettes has a "you're slowly killing yourself" warning on it, nowadays. But an ED sufferer knows starving onesself comes with a similar warning, albeit more severe, soon warning.

    Whereas a cigarette may rip some vitality from a healthy person, starving yourself is effectively ripping vitality from a debilitated, unfed person.

    Instead of kicking a man when they're down, it's kicking a CHILD when they're down.

    WHY?!
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Hey, my ED and anxiety have caused me to get quite unfit after being in relatively good shape the last few years and I understand your dilemma. Congrats for me making that first step towards doing something positive for yourself!
    Don't be afraid of the docs, although some seem to believe you don't have an ED unless you're emaciated there are also those who understand the stereotypical ED sufferer is in fact very rare, are very sympathetic and willing to help you however they can. Also have you considered seeing a dietician to get a better idea of how your weekly diet and amount of exercise is right now and your guideline daily calorie allowance (because it's not a hard and fast rule)? Mine's helped loads and I'm returning for a little extra support if possible.
    Along with this thread I'm using the Healthy New You for support, they might be able to help you a little too. There's also lots of useful info on the Health and Fitness stickies about good nutrition and basics of exercise.

    Forgive me if this all sounds patronising, but I think what you might want to do is not look at it as losing weight, restriction, calorie-counting or anything like that because these are all destructive and negative perceptions that you know will trigger you from past experience. General rule, people with disordered thoughts should not diet. It's not about reaching X weight, it's about being happy with who you are and doing everything you can to show how much you love yourself.
    Nutrition is not down to a tee though there's myriad resources out there to give you an idea if you want to dig deeper. Something I harp on about a lot (dietician's mantra) is there are no good or bad diets, only good and bad approaches to food and weight. Instead try to see it as wanting to be a little more conscious with your food choices and general habits (food-wise and elsewhere) for your own benefit. It's a lot more simple than you think-stuff like swapping a chocolate bar for a piece of fruit as a snack most days, and then having a chocolate bar or something nice if you fancy it once or twice a week; choosing natural foods/home-made meals over processed and packaged stuff most of the time but allowing the odd pizza or takeaway in there sometimes; walking to college/work/your mates rather than taking the bus or train; using the stairs rather than the escalator; eating when you're hungry, stopping (mostly) when you're full or have had enough, know that you can come back to it whenever you feel hungry again, allowing the odd indulgence; not getting pissed every night...seriously, it all adds up!
    Oh, and fat does NOT make you fat, nor is it bad for you. You need a bit of all the food groups-carbs, protein, fats to name the basics. Fat in moderate portions is actually incredibly good for you and there's numerous benefits for it despite what you may believe. The only thing which is unhealthy is excess, restrictive eating (i.e. "good" and "bad" foods) and lack of self-care.
    Exercise-wise, you want to choose a sport or hobby you love and can get completely absorbed in the pleasure of simply doing rather than having to reach a certain goal ('cos really, it's a bit of fun at the end of the day). Team games are quite a good choice because they take you outside the exercise "bubble" ED sufferers often get locked in (me included) and helping you contribute to something greater than yourself.
    A bit of this, a bit of that, all in moderation. I waffle because in truth there's no exact science to better health and well-being, it's all trial and error, perseverance and belief. See it as your personal, self-empowered choice for a lifestyle change designed to give you greater content and happiness by taking better care of yourself generally. Half of that's taking care of yourself mentally, remember-healthy mind, healthy body!
    :hugs:
    I'm **** at remembering to reply to things sometimes, I apologise That's fantastic advice, and yeah. I keep trying to do "oh, I'll measure progress by how much I can lift/how long I can run for/etc", but still, it's hard not to go "ah, I'm a bit thinner. Hmmm...".

    --

    In other news, I've been looking at old pictures and things. There's one that was taken right in the midst of "I will not eat, control numbers, control numbers", and erm, I always thought that I was horrendously fat and things, but I wasn't. I wasn't skinny, but .. it was a fit sort of not skinny (I used to do lots of sport and things). Then the pictures got more recent, and ****. I know it was because I was sort of going "YES, I'M OVER THIS, I'LL PROVE HOW MUCH I'M OVER IT BY EATING EVERYTHING", but it's still not good. Then the most recent ones, I'm a bit thinner again, but ah.

    I shouldn't have looked, because now I know what I could do. Which I probably couldn't, because I was 13 or so then, and now I'm older, so my body is probably different. Still
    • #83
    #83

    I don't think I have an ED, but I do have a bit of trouble with food and my appearance.

    I don't know if any of this is triggering but I mention my weight and binges.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    Over summer I started an obsessive diet. I didn't starve myself so I don't think I was anorexic but I did get down to a low weight and had a bmi of less than 16. I missed a lot of periods and worried about my health so started eating more, but then it got out of control and i was binging pretty much every day. Sometimes purging as well (I've made myself sick for quite a few years, but not all of the time).

    Now I'm really quite depressed and comfort eat all the time. I've gained so much weight and can't cope with it. I just want to have a normal, healthy relationship with food and to be healthy myself. I've went from eating only healthy foods and no junk food at all to eating bad stuff all the time.

    I have so many other problems at the same time (depression, self-harm, hate everything about myself) and its all getting too much for me. I used to be able to control at least my food and now I have no control over anything.
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    I know pretty much what you are saying. It's exactly what went through my head when I was at my 'worst'. I knew I had an eating disorder. I knew what it 'could' do to me.

    I didn't care.

    I was pretty much pressing the self-destruct button just because I COULD. That I WAS in control of me.

    It felt... good.

    Turned out that I was worse than I thought. I was getting awful stomach cramps, things downstairs were as lively as a mortuary (there, I said it), lower legs were aching AWFULLY, sleep was destroyed, had issues with continence, woke up repeatedly during the night to pee as my bladder had begun to eat itself.... I could go on.

    Didn't care. I could live with it.

    But what did that mean? I couldn't do the other things that I wanted to do. My options in life would become limited due to the pay to weight ratio became skewed in the anorexic category. Worst of all was what it did to the people I loved.

    My Mum cried when she saw me come off the train from Uni.

    Don't do that to the people you love. You aren't giving yourself anything, you are just taking away from the people who want to see you healthy.

    You want to feel, THEN LIVE. Live every heartbeat. It took me a year off from Uni to realise who I was. Gap year wasted at home? Like ass it was. Just find what makes you... you.




    Something about my therapy at the moment, unrelated.

    Spoiler:
    Show

    It's ending. 13 sessions out of a planned 20 and pretty much they say it's done all it can. Not sure if this is good or bad.

    I'm not sure whether this is gonna make me sound big headed or what, but my therapist said I was intelligent and due to that CBT was never going to be enough. It wouldn't hit the deep down issues that were at my core. She said I probably should look into the other therapies myself as she said I pretty much did the CBT on my own anyway (I bought the book, studied how to do it online, etc).

    Oh, also, side note;
    She said I was going to be her last CBT patient as I annoyed her so much with my doing the course ahead of time and making sessions so difficult. That I DO feel guilty about.

    Oh, and found out even though I was clinically anorexic I was put in the bulimic category as it started with bulimia. I was upped to level 3 due to how close I was to falling into the mentally anorexic category. (This annoyed me. My Mum came into my introductory session and said I would say I felt like I'd binged on a punnit of raspberries, etc. I never 'binged' per se. I always had SOME sentiment of control. I just felt guilty after eating.)

    There, my little self *****ing session.



    Interesting note;

    Get rid of an ED AS SOON AS YOU RECOGNISE IT. Apparently after 1 year with an ED the brain chemistry has changed so much that it becomes nigh on impossible to shift entirely BUT

    IT STILL IS POSSIBLE

    Push. Hard.

    You can do it.
    I just want to ask, what is CBT like?
    I'm meant to start this in the year but right now I'm stressed and things have slipped back and I don't want to let go of it in some weird way, and I don't want to go to the therapy as I honestly can't see what the hell anyone can say to make me change my mind.
    No therapy is going to make me unafraid of what's on my plate, I'd happily give £1000 to anyone who could do that.
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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    I just want to ask, what is CBT like?
    I'm meant to start this in the year but right now I'm stressed and things have slipped back and I don't want to let go of it in some weird way, and I don't want to go to the therapy as I honestly can't see what the hell anyone can say to make me change my mind.
    No therapy is going to make me unafraid of what's on my plate, I'd happily give £1000 to anyone who could do that.
    CBT is actually fairly easy to do yourself, it pretty much looks at how you work then deduces the best compensatory therapy.

    So first it will analyse. This will include making a food diary, a diary of your emotions related to food, a diary of your emotions related to your self image, etc. It will look at what you are doing when you get those... ED dips.

    From there it will be looking at common links.

    Then a compensatory strategy to get tackle those links OR if that is not possible a strategy to simply get you over the main issue. They will expect you to get a structured eating pattern.

    This will hopefully get you to be able to face your fear foods as well. If there is a commonality between the foods then it will face the link, if not then you will simply try and incorporate those foods slowly back into your diet.



    CBT is the 'best' therapy due to the fact that it is results based, there are clearly defined improvements.
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    Just popping on to share this app. It's called recovery record and it tracks your meals and your mood and prompts you and I'm finding it really helpful so I thought I'd share it. I usually find food diaries triggering but it's showing me that I'm not eating nearly as much as I think.
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    Thanks for that, Diamond!

    I want to ask you guys if any of you have a particular issue I have.

    I suffer from "Weight capping". It's totally psychological, I'm aware of that, but when my recovery started, I felt safe gaining up to a certain "cap". Likewise, I felt it "wasn't too bad" to 'indulge the ED' now and again down to a lower cap, just so when I gained it again it didn't feel too galling to be gaining EVEN MORE.

    The problem is, within these capped confines, I do not often follow a normal routine. I'll either go all-out balls-to-the-wall decadence ("Screw you ED, I'm going out for a meal tonight!") or odd restriction (small meals and occasionally getting rather drunken).

    I've mentioned to my psychotherapist who mentioned to me that it's normal to have these "safe zones" and allow the ED to run riot within it, it's almost like a mental "pen" you've put the beast in.

    I just wondered if anyone else had experienced this particular ailment.
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    CBT is actually fairly easy to do yourself, it pretty much looks at how you work then deduces the best compensatory therapy.

    So first it will analyse. This will include making a food diary, a diary of your emotions related to food, a diary of your emotions related to your self image, etc. It will look at what you are doing when you get those... ED dips.

    From there it will be looking at common links.

    Then a compensatory strategy to get tackle those links OR if that is not possible a strategy to simply get you over the main issue. They will expect you to get a structured eating pattern.

    This will hopefully get you to be able to face your fear foods as well. If there is a commonality between the foods then it will face the link, if not then you will simply try and incorporate those foods slowly back into your diet.



    CBT is the 'best' therapy due to the fact that it is results based, there are clearly defined improvements.
    Okay, thanks for the info
    I really really hope this works.
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    Hi everyone! I've been lurking and reading through this board and it's actually really helped seeing that people feel exactly the same as I do about certain things, and (there's no way to stop this sounding majorly cliche :P) that I'm not alone. So I thought I'd finally contribute something!

    I started wanting to loose weight last spring, and I've lost about 2 stone, which at first I was SO happy about when the weight came dropping off but then it reached the point where it's like taking over my life and my days just revolve around food and I HATE it, I just want to go back to how it was before when I wouldn't think twice about it - sometimes I even feel like I'd rather go back to being bigger and more carefree, than thinner but stressed all the time - and other times I think I'm crazy for thinking that, and being thinner is well worth the addedd stress. But I really do hate it. The idea of bring able to just sit and eat something without counting calories has become completely foreign to me - I need to know exactly what I'm consuming so I much prefer to eat things in individual packets, and otherwise I have to weigh everything out (for example when grating cheese). At uni I can obviously control this easily as I buy my own food, and when I go home I'm fine cause we tend to have ready meals which clearly say the calories, or I look at the individual parts of a meal's calories, but when I go to my dad's house it's often home cooked meals where I have absolutely no clue how many calories there are and it stresses me out so much! So then the next day I'll have to restrictmyself just in case I went over the daily amount I set myself - which I then feel bad for in case I was actually under my daily amount, but the fact is I have no way of knowing so I have to restrict myself just in case When I first went to uni (I'm still in my first year) I didn't want my flat mates to pick up on anything and think I was wierd, so I really made an effort not to be so fixated on food - things like just cooking pasta without weighing it first, and for a while it really worked and I was fine - and then about a month in I just suddenly got really paranoid I'd put on loads of weight without noticing, so I went out and brought scales there and then and even though I hadn't put any weight on, I think just the act of weighing myself triggered it all off again and I went back to counting exact calories and planning my food the day before. And recently I've been having the problem that I'm ALWAYS hungary. I think I'd genuinly forgotten what hunger felt like when I was at my worst, but I recognised that it really wasn't good to restrict myself like that - especially since I was about to start my a levels so logically knew I needed the food for energy if I was to do well - so I started gradually increasing my daily allowance of calories (I have to have 1350 at the moment - I try to hit it exactly and not go over or under), and I think the act of eating more has made me recognise hunger again - which I guess should be a good thing but I hate it! After I've eaten I like count down the hours till my next meal and I tend to schedule my day around food so now I just feel like I'm making my life revolve around it and missing out on things. And I've had a couple of instances where I've been loosing control a bit and completely binging - I did it christmas day, after everyone had gone to bed I ate my entire selection box (which I almost cried when I unwrapped on christmas morning cause I felt it would lead to something like that happening), a whole bag of chocolate coins and like a quarter of a box of christmas biscuits. And the same thing the other day, after everyone was in bed I snuck a load of food in to my bedroom and did it again. And as good as it felt at the time, I immediately regretted it after and then had to seriously lower my calorie intake for following few days.

    So basically I recognise that I clearly have some kind of problem but at the same time kind of feel like a fake for thinking that, because of things like the occasional excessive eating and because I'll eat things like cheese or a chocolate bar - which I would never have considered eating when I was at my worst! And also because I do recognise that I'm too thin when I see myself in photos and stuff, and part of me does want to put on weight - which is why I've been increasing my calorie intake. But I'm TERRIFIED of putting too much on, I just want to go up to the healthy category for my bmi and stay at the lower end of it, so when I gain weight part of me is happy but part of me is scared it's happening too quickly and I might go over my target and then have to go back to retricting myself to 500ish calories like I did in the beginning which I hate the thought of having to do again!

    I've seen posters at my university for a help group about eating disorders which I've been tempted to go to, but I kind of feel almost like too much of a fraud to go, and I'm also scared cause I've NEVER talked to anybody about this, this is the closest I've come too which is fine cause it's online, but the thought of actually talking to people about it face to face is terrifying! (Obviously my parents have noticed I've lost weight and even threatend to take me to the doctors, but I managed to convince them it was the stress of a levels (cause it was around that time when they were really concerned) my mum still tends to weigh me every time I'm back from uni but I make sure I've drunk alot before hand and that I'm wearing a hoodie or something heavy, so my weight shows up as 3 pounds or so heavier, and I've been eating a lot more than I used to anyway so they've relaxed about it alot and accepted I must have just lost my "puppy fat" or something.)

    Anyway, this is incredibly long and rambly haha and I'm not sure what I'm really expecting to get from finally telling someone (even faceless people on the internet :P) but it felt oddly therapeutic writing it all down so I guess that's something!
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)

    The problem is, within these capped confines, I do not often follow a normal routine. I'll either go all-out balls-to-the-wall decadence ("Screw you ED, I'm going out for a meal tonight!") or odd restriction (small meals and occasionally getting rather drunken).

    I've mentioned to my psychotherapist who mentioned to me that it's normal to have these "safe zones" and allow the ED to run riot within it, it's almost like a mental "pen" you've put the beast in.

    I just wondered if anyone else had experienced this particular ailment.
    Potential Trigger:

    Very true. I've been eating normally (with a few occasional mistakes) for a few months. But today my mom wasn't home and my dad was out until dinner, so I had black coffee for dinner and a quarter cup of black tea for lunch. I felt really dizzy in the evening when I was taking a shower, and then ate a really small dinner (approx. 150 cal). I was STARVING, but I guess I was just testing myself to see if I still had it in me to fast. But after having a heart-to-heart with my absolute best girlfriend, where I asked if it would be okay to have a few M&Ms or biscuits, she said she would kill me if I didn't and to go eat as much as I wanted and so I said scream you ED, and I've eaten 5 peanut M&Ms and 2 pecans thus far
    Sorry for the rant, I just wanted to say that EDs are like our own personal monsters, but we CAN be in charge of them with the correct combination of factors.
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    (Original post by abi93)
    and I think the act of eating more has made me recognise hunger again - which I guess should be a good thing but I hate it! After I've eaten I like count down the hours till my next meal and I tend to schedule my day around food so now I just feel like I'm making my life revolve around it and missing out on things. And I've had a couple of instances where I've been loosing control a bit and completely binging - I did it christmas day, after everyone had gone to bed I ate my entire selection box (which I almost cried when I unwrapped on christmas morning cause I felt it would lead to something like that happening), a whole bag of chocolate coins and like a quarter of a box of christmas biscuits. And the same thing the other day, after everyone was in bed I snuck a load of food in to my bedroom and did it again. And as good as it felt at the time, I immediately regretted it after and then had to seriously lower my calorie intake for following few days.
    This. I hadn't thought of how to put this into words before.
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    Guys, I'm becoming hyper-sugar sensitive. I'm getting the symptoms of a sugar-rush after things like milk, a piece of fruit, or 2 rounds of sandwiches. Just now I've gone on a high off a glass of orange juice Is this normal or is the condition getting worse? God forgive me but I'm having to up protein, down carbs to curb it and it's working but I have to be careful because this could result in a relapse into restriction. I'm eating whenever I'm hungry or as soon as possible once I register the hunger so why is this happening? : /
    • #50
    #50

    (Original post by Riku)
    Guys, I'm becoming hyper-sugar sensitive. I'm getting the symptoms of a sugar-rush after things like milk, a piece of fruit, or 2 rounds of sandwiches. Just now I've gone on a high off a glass of orange juice Is this normal or is the condition getting worse? God forgive me but I'm having to up protein, down carbs to curb it and it's working but I have to be careful because this could result in a relapse into restriction. I'm eating whenever I'm hungry or as soon as possible once I register the hunger so why is this happening? : /
    Are you sure this is not psychological? I don't want to call you a hypochondriac but your anxiety about food might interpret the reactions you have to food wrongly.
    I mean, it's all you do now isn't it? Your head's full of food thoughts, and has space for little else.
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    2 things;

    People who go from very low BMI to normal BMI have an increased risk of diabetes.
    People who are at a low BMI tend to have a higher sugar sensitivity

    Though I must say some of it DOES sound like quite a bit of it is psychological, i.e. the main sugar in milk is lactose. Only your pancreas produces lactase, meaning it wouldn't be metabolised until it reached the small intestine, which would be 1/2 hour to 2 hours at least if you are drinking it on an EMPTY stomach.
    • #50
    #50

    Stupid, stupid brain. Binging.

    Spoiler:
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    Pre-binge:

    You're ugly, you're fat, and you're a worthless human being. Don't worry, you can stuff your face with rubbish. It doesn't matter anyway. You won't ever have any success in life, so after that binge you might as well kill yourself.

    Post-binge:

    WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??? Well obviously you're ugly but nothing a bit of makeup can't fix, and you could have had a CHANCE in life had you at least tried to lose weight. You've got no control over your urges. You're even more worthless. Get rid of what you've just eaten, now.


    arrrgh
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    Anonymous, it's an unfortunate cycle but a BREAKABLE one!

    You have to wonder WHY you'd see yourself as worthless. In what capacity? In relation or comparison to someone else? And if you ARE comparing to someone else, why? They are not you and you are not them. You are unique, the perfect representation of who you can be.

    You can sculpt or mold yourself both mentally and physically, but do it for YOU and YOU ALONE.

    Incidentally, I have experienced anxiety as I have severe osteoperosis and at a BMI of 16, being told to hard-gain means all the weight is going into an increasingly fatty stomach paunch which I'm personally not fond of. It doesn't mean I am disgusting; this is just something about me that makes me, me. At some point when I am healthier I will perhaps sculpt myself physically, but until I am healthy enough, and until I am mentally able to accept myself in my entirety... this is who I am.
 
 
 
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