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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    2 things;

    People who go from very low BMI to normal BMI have an increased risk of diabetes.
    People who are at a low BMI tend to have a higher sugar sensitivity

    Though I must say some of it DOES sound like quite a bit of it is psychological, i.e. the main sugar in milk is lactose. Only your pancreas produces lactase, meaning it wouldn't be metabolised until it reached the small intestine, which would be 1/2 hour to 2 hours at least if you are drinking it on an EMPTY stomach.
    Wasn't aware of either of these, thanks Antiaris! But is this increased risk severe or entirely dependent on the rate and style of weight gain? Also, is there any food which would give you a sugar-rush that might concern me at the moment which I wouldn't expect? (For example, am I actually making myself high off dates and sultanas, because I'm going bananas about fruit?)

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Are you sure this is not psychological? I don't want to call you a hypochondriac but your anxiety about food might interpret the reactions you have to food wrongly.
    I mean, it's all you do now isn't it? Your head's full of food thoughts, and has space for little else.
    Yeah, it probably is primarily psychological Anon. Especially if, as Antiaris says, people at a low BMI are more sugar-sensitive It's just strange that even when we aren't thinking about food, we're subconsciously thinking about food, and for me even that subconscious fear or apprehension's gone to the degree of bringing out physical symptoms. Glad to say I can now get food off my mind, until it's mentioned or in front of me-that's when it becomes an obsession or phobia again. I do at least have some other interests again.



    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Anonymous, it's an unfortunate cycle but a BREAKABLE one!

    You have to wonder WHY you'd see yourself as worthless. In what capacity? In relation or comparison to someone else? And if you ARE comparing to someone else, why? They are not you and you are not them. You are unique, the perfect representation of who you can be.

    You can sculpt or mold yourself both mentally and physically, but do it for YOU and YOU ALONE.

    Incidentally, I have experienced anxiety as I have severe osteoperosis and at a BMI of 16, being told to hard-gain means all the weight is going into an increasingly fatty stomach paunch which I'm personally not fond of. It doesn't mean I am disgusting; this is just something about me that makes me, me. At some point when I am healthier I will perhaps sculpt myself physically, but until I am healthy enough, and until I am mentally able to accept myself in my entirety... this is who I am.
    Good way of putting it, Toto. This is denitely how I'm trying to overcome compulsive exercise. I don't like the way I've gone from being able to run a mile in 5 minutes to getting puffed climbing a flight or two of stairs, but being able to run won't instantly make me happy again. Only a healthy mind and soul can create a truly healthy body. It might help to think, how would we treat ourselves if we were wheelchair-bound or entirely paralysed for the rest of our lives? Hopefully the way we'd treat ourselves anyway-kindly, compassionately and with a heap of TLC
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    I think I'm fighting what I would call a conflict of interests.

    I WANT to gain weight and am now above 7 stone mark again. I have developed a newfound hunger which is a double-edged sword presenting itself vivaciously over the festive period. But there are repercussions and anxieties.

    For one, my anorexia has left me with severe osteoperosis. I broke my wrist not too long ago simply sitting down on my bed. This means I am not allowed to exercise AT ALL. But I'm being asked to eat 2500-3000 kcals a day.

    Through this I've learned to indulge and enjoy, broaden my horizons, eat more than just various vegetables and fruits, etc. But over the festive period, it's meant FEASTS. I've just went to town, enjoying everything and hitting my targets.

    However the weight CONTINUES to go solely to my stomach. It's now fatty and soft when once it was flat. My lower stomach forms a "captial D" if looked at from the side. I want to feel good about my weight gain but when it presents itself in a way that goes against everything I hoped WOULDN'T happen, it's proving hard.

    Moreover, my newfound hunger is scaring me somewhat. My therapist says it is entirely normal to regain an almost mad appetite, but I mean, at any opportunity, I'm asking my family if they want to go out for a meal or whatever. Anything so I can be exciting and decadent for the day.

    These issues are assuredly "normal" to someone in my scenario, but they sure as hell are not feeling that way...
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    Gonna give you my personal experience.

    It WILL concentrate on the stomach.

    It WILL redistribute around the body.

    The thing is, I'm sure you've heard about it a few times now, body fat will accumulate around the regions of need, i.e. the major organs. When the body has decided that 'yes, I have got enough food', it will go back to where it naturally sits. This will require regular large amounts of food.

    With myself the redistribution somehow took the matter of a week. Pooch today, bum tomorrow.

    The hunger is PERFECTLY natural. I had the same. I was fudge monkering ravenous. Indulge a little.



    Also on the osteoparosis front, I know you've probably done some research yourself but here are a couple o' extra tidbits.

    Tannins in tea and coffee inhibit calcium absorption.
    Absorption of calicum is MASSIVELY increased with honey, some crazy percentage like 1000%. (Honey and greek yogurt!)
    Calcium means nothing if you don't take in enough Vitamin D. Eggs, supplements... go crazy. Eat it with fat as it is a fat soluble vitamin.
    Make sure to get enough Vitamin K too! It's vital for bone metabolism, meaning that your low density bones would be replaced and repaired at a greater rate.
    • #50
    #50

    Toto, give your tummy time! The fat on it will redistribute in a while, but what's most important to protect right now is your organs, and they lay bare where there's no bones. So all the fat comes and sits there. This little pouch (which looks bigger to you than anyone else anyway, trust me) will soon disappear, but only if your body can be sure that it doesn't have to starve again, and that the worst is over now. Make your body trust you.
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    It's probably a sign that I should stop watching so much TV... but...

    I mainly watch channel 4 and E4 programs - and almost EVERY advert is about dieting, low fat blah blah and are there to make you feel awful about over-indulging over christmas. This has made my anxiety hit the roof and am breaking down with guilt over every bite. Is anyone else finding themselves affected by everyone's dieting talk?
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    Keep repeating bad behaviours again :/ I'm under a lot of stress with exams and job interviews which I know I shouldn't use as an excuse..
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    #4

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Thanks for that, Diamond!

    I want to ask you guys if any of you have a particular issue I have.

    I suffer from "Weight capping". It's totally psychological, I'm aware of that, but when my recovery started, I felt safe gaining up to a certain "cap". Likewise, I felt it "wasn't too bad" to 'indulge the ED' now and again down to a lower cap, just so when I gained it again it didn't feel too galling to be gaining EVEN MORE.

    The problem is, within these capped confines, I do not often follow a normal routine. I'll either go all-out balls-to-the-wall decadence ("Screw you ED, I'm going out for a meal tonight!") or odd restriction (small meals and occasionally getting rather drunken).

    I've mentioned to my psychotherapist who mentioned to me that it's normal to have these "safe zones" and allow the ED to run riot within it, it's almost like a mental "pen" you've put the beast in.

    I just wondered if anyone else had experienced this particular ailment.
    This is basically exactly what I do Toto, I convince myself it's fine because I "recognise" when I've lost too much so should gain (but I don't in the healthy way), but when I gain too much the ED comes back out to haunt me. But this way I convince myself that there's no point in getting help because somehow i'm in control.. but I really know I can't continue like this. So i'm trapped in a circle really. :/ That and the fact that my lower "caps" are getting steadily lower.
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    Sorry I've made lots of anon posts, if I wasn't anon i'dve edited them into one long one!

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    (Original post by abi93)
    I started wanting to loose weight last spring, and I've lost about 2 stone, which at first I was SO happy about when the weight came dropping off but then it reached the point where it's like taking over my life and my days just revolve around food and I HATE it, I just want to go back to how it was before when I wouldn't think twice about it - sometimes I even feel like I'd rather go back to being bigger and more carefree, than thinner but stressed all the time - and other times I think I'm crazy for thinking that, and being thinner is well worth the addedd stress. But I really do hate it. The idea of bring able to just sit and eat something without counting calories has become completely foreign to me - I need to know exactly what I'm consuming so I much prefer to eat things in individual packets, and otherwise I have to weigh everything out (for example when grating cheese). At uni I can obviously control this easily as I buy my own food, and when I go home I'm fine cause we tend to have ready meals which clearly say the calories, or I look at the individual parts of a meal's calories, but when I go to my dad's house it's often home cooked meals where I have absolutely no clue how many calories there are and it stresses me out so much! So then the next day I'll have to restrictmyself just in case I went over the daily amount I set myself - which I then feel bad for in case I was actually under my daily amount, but the fact is I have no way of knowing so I have to restrict myself just in case When I first went to uni (I'm still in my first year) I didn't want my flat mates to pick up on anything and think I was wierd, so I really made an effort not to be so fixated on food - things like just cooking pasta without weighing it first, and for a while it really worked and I was fine - and then about a month in I just suddenly got really paranoid I'd put on loads of weight without noticing, so I went out and brought scales there and then and even though I hadn't put any weight on, I think just the act of weighing myself triggered it all off again and I went back to counting exact calories and planning my food the day before. And recently I've been having the problem that I'm ALWAYS hungary. I think I'd genuinly forgotten what hunger felt like when I was at my worst, but I recognised that it really wasn't good to restrict myself like that - especially since I was about to start my a levels so logically knew I needed the food for energy if I was to do well - so I started gradually increasing my daily allowance of calories (I have to have 1350 at the moment - I try to hit it exactly and not go over or under), and I think the act of eating more has made me recognise hunger again - which I guess should be a good thing but I hate it! After I've eaten I like count down the hours till my next meal and I tend to schedule my day around food so now I just feel like I'm making my life revolve around it and missing out on things. And I've had a couple of instances where I've been loosing control a bit and completely binging - I did it christmas day, after everyone had gone to bed I ate my entire selection box (which I almost cried when I unwrapped on christmas morning cause I felt it would lead to something like that happening), a whole bag of chocolate coins and like a quarter of a box of christmas biscuits. And the same thing the other day, after everyone was in bed I snuck a load of food in to my bedroom and did it again. And as good as it felt at the time, I immediately regretted it after and then had to seriously lower my calorie intake for following few days.

    So basically I recognise that I clearly have some kind of problem but at the same time kind of feel like a fake for thinking that, because of things like the occasional excessive eating and because I'll eat things like cheese or a chocolate bar - which I would never have considered eating when I was at my worst! And also because I do recognise that I'm too thin when I see myself in photos and stuff, and part of me does want to put on weight - which is why I've been increasing my calorie intake. But I'm TERRIFIED of putting too much on, I just want to go up to the healthy category for my bmi and stay at the lower end of it, so when I gain weight part of me is happy but part of me is scared it's happening too quickly and I might go over my target and then have to go back to retricting myself to 500ish calories like I did in the beginning which I hate the thought of having to do again!

    I've seen posters at my university for a help group about eating disorders which I've been tempted to go to, but I kind of feel almost like too much of a fraud to go, and I'm also scared cause I've NEVER talked to anybody about this, this is the closest I've come too which is fine cause it's online, but the thought of actually talking to people about it face to face is terrifying! (Obviously my parents have noticed I've lost weight and even threatend to take me to the doctors, but I managed to convince them it was the stress of a levels (cause it was around that time when they were really concerned) my mum still tends to weigh me every time I'm back from uni but I make sure I've drunk alot before hand and that I'm wearing a hoodie or something heavy, so my weight shows up as 3 pounds or so heavier, and I've been eating a lot more than I used to anyway so they've relaxed about it alot and accepted I must have just lost my "puppy fat" or something.)

    Anyway, this is incredibly long and rambly haha and I'm not sure what I'm really expecting to get from finally telling someone (even faceless people on the internet :P) but it felt oddly therapeutic writing it all down so I guess that's something!


    I can relate, I had a rant a few pages back about feeling like a fraud and never admitting my issues to anyone except for a few pages back - convincing my parents i'm fine and making sure when I do eat it's in front of them so they know i'm eating etc. I'd be completely hypocritical telling you to go and seek help, but I did seek help for another psychological disorder (anxiety) and it was probably one of the best things i've done (my issue now is that i'm worried about admitting my ED, even though it's often linked to anxiety, because I would have to go and speak to the same people I spoke to before and I don't know if they'd believe me or think i'm just attention seeking/want to have a new problem).

    Seriously though, you're putting your body through stress that could have long term damage - you're not a fraud for seeking help, simply someone who deserves to get better! I'm working myself up to go and speak to my GP about it but first am going to tell a friend.

    Do you have anyone offline you don't know deeply but you could speak to such as a personal tutor at uni or your GP? Why not send an anonymous email to your university's counselling service?
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    Got my re-referral through to outpatient. Haven't truly "binged" today but have had a mild moment of compulsive eating which has made me start ruminating again. Help please? [warning: doesn't shut up about food]
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    Every time I binge it seems to come from a yearning for food which I've missed for what feels like "so long" I've got to taste again there and then. Sure, that was true at the beginning of last year when I had my first proper breakfast in months, the most heavenly bowl of porridge courtesy of my gran, but now I think the novelty has worn off and it's about something else. I just went into the cupboard and munched on the big pack of raisins in there when I'd had sultanas for breakfast-and I've been having sultanas with brekkie pretty much every single day for 8 months straight!
    Sultanas are my biggest binge food at the moment but these dates are going to count as one soon enough :/ Bread, pasta, rice, noodles are all naturally binge foods too. But it's pretty much always simple carbs+sugars, no longer fat until I start eating it (actually fat quite often calms the cravings), though surprisingly my allowance for simple carbs doesn't include chocolate or sweets-if it's got to that stage I really am in full-out binge mode. I don't get a craving for chocs the way I do say fruit, whether that's because I know it's junk and I feel it's OK to binge on healthy stuff or not I couldn't say.

    My biggest binge food of all time-crackers. Not much fear these days, but I get more guilt from one pointless and unwanted cracker from the tub than I do for an all-you-can-eat buffet or three-course, if that was what I planned for or wanted. Whenever I had a weekend binge at the end of the restriction cycle it was always cheese and crackers, a slice of ham and crackers, beetroot and crackers, brown sauce and crackers...sometimes lunch was just that stodge with a sauce or something almost deliberately without nutritional value, just because I didn't know what else to have. So I can understand there's a very strong sense of guilt and failure associated with them now.
    I'd been waiting for months (possibly the whole year) to have cheese and crackers at Christmas because I do actually quite enjoy them both, ED aside, in the right context. My aunts usually have this gorgeous cheese board that they bring round at Christmas with their own home-made chutneys that are out of this world (chutney is another binge food-any sauce, in fact. I haven't stopped adding sauces to meals throughout recovery and in some fairly strange contexts and I'm now fighting the compulsion to eat lemon curd from the jar again...) Anyway, that never happened so Dad and I had our own mini-cheese board a few days ago which worked great. Yet now I've just felt compelled to eat a lone cream cracker because, well, it was there-and I feel terrible for it not because I've overeaten, but I might have binged-and because I ate the cracker against my will. It's not the quantity in this case though usually it is, it's the act of
    I don't think I always eat things out of choice or desire for the taste, and truth be told I had to hold myself back to only eat when hungry. Sometimes I know they're going to be plain awful and I'm wasting my money, I rarely had a real appetite for therm anyway. I think sometimes I eat them because they're either there in front of me (therefore hold novelty value), or they're a new or untried commodity I've got to know what they're like before I die or they disappear for good. I used to raid the shops and bakeries for limited edition butties and chocolate bars, deals on cakes and pastries etc. for this exact reason. When Maccies did the "Great tastes of America" I jumped on the offer for the sheer sake of it, even though the first one made me feel a bit sick.
    I'm all for "don't knock it until you've tried it" when it comes to food and new experiences, but this went beyond that. I admit to trying to horde knowledge and experience, that's why I've got to have done everything before the sun goes down and why I burned myself out during restriction by trying to learn the papers off by heart. But in these cases I made them part of my identity; the few times I had the treats I'd make them appear the highlight of the week, I deliberately exaggerated the whole experience just to make conversation because I didn't know what else there was to say. I'd be saying things like "this rocky road is the sex" (well it was laden with puns and innuendo anyway) and for most it's just a terrible foodie joke but for me it was more. I was just desperate to fit in and I thought I'd be accepted as some token "guy who like food so much he should be fat but somehow isn't because he's always in the gym". Even at family meals, in classrooms at break and lunch, I would and still will constantly ask how their meal/lunch is, what it's like...eventually it'd creep towards "can I have leftovers" or "are you going to eat that?" (despite the fact I was stuffed, sometimes to the point where it hurt). I'd repeat the process for dessert if we were eating out. I was guilty of some perhaps outdated social faux-pas, it was pointed out it doesn't look great when we're dining out and I keep swapping plates with my sibling or parents. If I did miss out or just wasn't allowed to try theirs as eventually I wasn't because I was too old to pass it off, suddenly their dish was by far the more appetising and I'd be pondering what I'd lost throughout the night.

    And yet the rest of the week, in "Regime" mode Monday to Friday, I'd live off 1-2 Weetabix, a tuna sandwich, an apple, maybe a yoghurt or snack, milk, and "what've you got for tea, Mum?" in that order, with a visit to see Dad and Nan and invariably get stuffed of a Thrusday and screw up the whole "diet".
    It's amazing how much Dyspraxia has made me feel like an outcast.

    Can there be any explanation for this?
    Also:

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    What's considered a healthy waist size? My natural set-point (i.e. if I didn't give one) seems to be 32' (I'm 6 foot), otherwise 30-31, but every time it goes down to 30' or lower ED starts to dominate again and I start being stricter with what/how much I eat-even though I'm fairly sure that 30-31 is ideal and a sign of fitness?

    What to do? : /
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    Riku, it may not be the SOURCE of your problem, but like me, you seem to have a very difficult-to-accept issue which exacerbates the ED...

    You think about it all too much.

    Much as I do, you analyse, criticise, calculate, denominate, degrade and synthesise your issues trying to reach the absolute atom of the problem when there is no such thing. Our problems are incredibly complex.


    For example, I too appear to be going through an "All or nothing" phase of eating where I either take in very little or eat until I am in pain. If I'm having an "eating day", I just go mental.

    Last month I was a "regular" restrictive-type anorexic who would never have contemplated such behaviour.

    Before that, I was an OCD anorexic. And so forth.


    What I'm saying is, nothing is "normal" or "default", really, bud. Sadly, it's very complicated, and our logic dictates we should simplify and solve, when in reality we're just stoking the flames by adding new cerebral elements and superfluous issues into the fray.

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    And I don't know how helpful it is to state this, but I am 5'7" and about 25-26 above navel, and 28.5-29 at top of pelvis, so I usually take a size 28 waist jean with a belt.
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    Had the flu for over a week so far, my body is so weak I can barely move.. yet I force myself and use all the energy I have left to continue to binge and then purge. What the hell is wrong with me? My doctor told me that it could be weeks until I recover from this because of my weak immune system. Fml
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Riku, it may not be the SOURCE of your problem, but like me, you seem to have a very difficult-to-accept issue which exacerbates the ED...

    You think about it all too much.

    Much as I do, you analyse, criticise, calculate, denominate, degrade and synthesise your issues trying to reach the absolute atom of the problem when there is no such thing. Our problems are incredibly complex.


    For example, I too appear to be going through an "All or nothing" phase of eating where I either take in very little or eat until I am in pain. If I'm having an "eating day", I just go mental.

    Last month I was a "regular" restrictive-type anorexic who would never have contemplated such behaviour.

    Before that, I was an OCD anorexic. And so forth.


    What I'm saying is, nothing is "normal" or "default", really, bud. Sadly, it's very complicated, and our logic dictates we should simplify and solve, when in reality we're just stoking the flames by adding new cerebral elements and superfluous issues into the fray.

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    And I don't know how helpful it is to state this, but I am 5'7" and about 25-26 above navel, and 28.5-29 at top of pelvis, so I usually take a size 28 waist jean with a belt.
    You sound like you are going through a shifting change that you are finding difficult to come to terms with.

    This isn't a time to remain constant.

    Stop thinking about what is now.

    You need to get the message into your head. CHANGE.

    For example;
    "And I don't know how helpful it is to state this, but I am 5'7" and about 25-26 above navel, and 28.5-29 at top of pelvis, so I usually take a size 28 waist jean with a belt."

    Stop. You are going to change that. ^That piece of information isn't going to be true any more.

    You need to shift from 'you inner plan' to a new plan. You need to mold your mind, bend your body, shift the **** and really begin living!

    Transitioning from one bit of your life into another is difficult, you may find that you become a different person. That happens. We mature.

    What made you 'you' isn't going to be the same in the future. The ED isn't going to be part of the equation.

    You are going to be independent. In control.

    Believe me when I say this. I know you can do it.

    I know ALL of you can change if you want it.

    Speaking to a previous anorexic a few days ago her words made more sense than any piece of information or part of advice this thread has ever given. "If you don't want to change, nothing will work for you. If you really DO want to change, anything will."
    • #50
    #50

    I am eating properly again after the Christmas holidays slip up and TSR is helping me It's so wonderful to have great support here
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    You sound like you are going through a shifting change that you are finding difficult to come to terms with.

    This isn't a time to remain constant.

    Stop thinking about what is now.

    You need to get the message into your head. CHANGE.

    For example;
    "And I don't know how helpful it is to state this, but I am 5'7" and about 25-26 above navel, and 28.5-29 at top of pelvis, so I usually take a size 28 waist jean with a belt."

    Stop. You are going to change that. ^That piece of information isn't going to be true any more.

    You need to shift from 'you inner plan' to a new plan. You need to mold your mind, bend your body, shift the **** and really begin living!

    Transitioning from one bit of your life into another is difficult, you may find that you become a different person. That happens. We mature.

    What made you 'you' isn't going to be the same in the future. The ED isn't going to be part of the equation.

    You are going to be independent. In control.

    Believe me when I say this. I know you can do it.

    I know ALL of you can change if you want it.

    Speaking to a previous anorexic a few days ago her words made more sense than any piece of information or part of advice this thread has ever given. "If you don't want to change, nothing will work for you. If you really DO want to change, anything will."
    :love: You're freaking awesome. And what the girl said is true. My issue is that I don't know how to want to want to change. In my head, it's not bad enough for me to need to recover even though it affects every aspect of my life.
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    (Original post by Cinamon)
    It's probably a sign that I should stop watching so much TV... but...

    I mainly watch channel 4 and E4 programs - and almost EVERY advert is about dieting, low fat blah blah and are there to make you feel awful about over-indulging over christmas. This has made my anxiety hit the roof and am breaking down with guilt over every bite. Is anyone else finding themselves affected by everyone's dieting talk?
    Oh my goodness, yes. I thought I was the only one going insane with it all. I keep seeing Weightwatchers' adverts saying that if you lose a couple of pounds you'll feel happier and I'm struggling not to internalise it because that's what my ED says to me. :rolleyes:
    And then I was in the room when my mum was watching Celebrity Big Brother on the side and that IDIOT Pete Burns said that all celebrities should starve and get anorexia and I was like WTF? I decided that I'm just going to avoid all forms of media. :rolleyes:
    • #71
    #71

    I've just gone back on the anti-depressants that caused me to lose loads of weight, and already I can feel my relationship with food going strange again...when I was on the ADs, I had no appetite, and my metabolism speeded up, so I became almost skeletal. Then when I had to swap ADs, I felt disgusting about myself because my metabolism slowed right down, I got an appetite again and I felt huge. Now that my old ADs are kick-starting the weight loss again, I feel proud every time I look in the mirror and can see my hips sticking out a bit more. I don't even care that the ADs aren't going to do anything to improve my depression, I'm just glad they're making me skinny again.
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    Didn't have internet access over the Xmas break :/ So did the horror that is Xmas without internet support. (I ate a Christmas dinner! I really did! I ate vegetables and yorkshire puddings and pate and bread and didn't purge once. [end proudness])
    I've decided to do the whole New Year's resolution thing (something that I've avoided every other year).
    Most importantly, I've started eating wheat again. I know that my gynae says that cutting it out should help my endo symptoms in the long run but I just can't have that excuse for restricting. I've realised that I'm just not in a place mentally where I can cut out food groups. I just hope that my gynae won't jump down my throat about it, as she's wont to do.
    Also, I'm going to stop using my endo as an excuse not to eat. While food may irritate it, having the mindset of fasting to stop pain is ridiculous. Especially given the ridiculous fatigue I get. My ED!mind needs to learn that starving=low immune=illness=pain

    I hope you guys were okay over Xmas.
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    Ok people wanted some support/advice again over my eating patterns.

    Spoilers of course

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    ok I intended to use a new fryer I got for christmas to make home made fish and chips but been so swamped with guests wanting stuff fixed and my neighbour moving so having to give him his tv back that I pretty much have been starving every day and either having 1 or 2 small portions of chips.

    Very bad especially since I found out I have a mild liver inflaimation

    So was wondering what to do? I dont eat the chips to be greedy but been swamped with money problems(rent is late as Paypal have £400 of mine that is to cover the rent and limited my account!!) and I have been scrimping to survive.
    • #84
    #84

    So.. I feel somehow sorry to join this thread and I hope you all are OK.. I read some posts in the beginning but coward as I am, too scared to continue.. At last decided to share my story, hope you don't mind. It's not very bad and I don't know whether I could actually be classified as someone with an eating disorder, but I have a feeling that my relationship with food isn't exactly normal either and that's something I'd like to change this year. I finally want to be happy with who I am.. The fact that I'm able to do this anonymously made me decide to try to share this and hopefully this will at least remind me of my promise. I know my story is nothing compared to many others.

    It all started (oh, the regret) when I was around the age of 11/12.. For reasons I ate a lot and exercised little so I gained weight, naturally. This made me even more insecure than I already was and I hated myself for that, hated shopping, hated my body, wished I was like other girls. I wrote on my body that I was fat, weak and useless and that's what I told myself when I looked into the mirror too.

    This continued until at some point I decided I'd had enough of it. I made what I now see as probably the worst decision ever, I wanted to lose weight so I basically stopped eating. I ate incredibly little (I guess my average day was below 300 calories) and exercised a lot, so I lost weight and people commented on how good I started looking and how fat I'd been before. Then, at some point, it was as if something broke in me. I couldn't keep up with my diet any longer, I was tired as hell and didn't enjoy anything any more.. I was still disgusted by the look of my own body but I just couldn't bring up the energy for my strict diet any longer. Which brings us to my present.

    To everyone around I seem fairly relaxed and happy, I think. I don't talk about my dissatisfaction with my appearance any more since my mother never took it seriously, it was just a phase I was going through and she thought I had to stop whining, more girls were insecure. Besides, whenever I saw a slim girl I thought was attractive she would ask me 'well, you wouldn't want to be a skinny as her, would you?'. However, though I probably seem all right, I still hate my body. I feel fairly confident about my mind and I'm not exactly insecure about that, but whenever it comes to something physical I just break down completely. I'm, like, paralysed.

    My current relation with food is simply unhealthy. I eat as little as possible without having to give away anything about my eating pattern (so I don't allow myself to bring food to school because there's no one watching me, I wake up extremely early on purpose because 'I like to' but the real reason is that I can have 'breakfast'.. crazy really)
    However, this is not my main problem. I don't know whether it has a name or not but very often I lose control over what I eat. Then I just start eating everything I come across without really noticing/tasting/feeling it, and because it makes me feel sick I eat more, and I do everything I can to hide this. It feels so disgusting. I hide packages and do crazy things to prevent getting caught and I hate myself for not being in control all the time, I'm an extreme perfectionist and control freak. Afterwards I feel like I deserve 'punishments'; denying myself the right to eat or whatever crazy I can come up with.

    Like I said I'm not sure whether this is an actual eating disorder but I just don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I want to stop this before it develops into something more serious.. I'm not skinny though, but slightly overweight, and I have no idea how I'm going to start eating normally again because I still feel like I don't have the right to eat, but somehow I'll manage. People on here are in far worse situations than me and doing way better than I am. This is encouraging.

    Sorry for the long story. and now to hit 'submit' before erasing everything again.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Riku, it may not be the SOURCE of your problem, but like me, you seem to have a very difficult-to-accept issue which exacerbates the ED...

    You think about it all too much.

    Much as I do, you analyse, criticise, calculate, denominate, degrade and synthesise your issues trying to reach the absolute atom of the problem when there is no such thing. Our problems are incredibly complex.


    For example, I too appear to be going through an "All or nothing" phase of eating where I either take in very little or eat until I am in pain. If I'm having an "eating day", I just go mental.

    Last month I was a "regular" restrictive-type anorexic who would never have contemplated such behaviour.

    Before that, I was an OCD anorexic. And so forth.


    What I'm saying is, nothing is "normal" or "default", really, bud. Sadly, it's very complicated, and our logic dictates we should simplify and solve, when in reality we're just stoking the flames by adding new cerebral elements and superfluous issues into the fray.

    Spoiler:
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    And I don't know how helpful it is to state this, but I am 5'7" and about 25-26 above navel, and 28.5-29 at top of pelvis, so I usually take a size 28 waist jean with a belt.
    I was just about to post another big introspective ramble but it got deleted. Taking it as a sign that indeed, I'm thinking about this too much. Let's both take Antiaris' words of wisdom and accept we can all think about change until the cows come home, but change needs to be done, we need to act, to make a difference. : )
    OCD moment of the week: tea! Swear my parents never stop asking if I want a cuppa, pretty much our only breakfast conversation and I've never seen Dad drink water I like tea but I'm not huge on it, and I've recently decided to give up coffee for the time being...
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    Doesn't help I've come to associate a lovely warm cuppa with tannins and depletion of calcium, so that innocent comment becomes "do you want us to help you get osteoporosis?"

    Bah low body weight

    Some slightly more serious stuff...
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    a) Mum's now on anti-depressants. Sure it's , but she even admitted it was mainly because of me-she didn't say it';s myfault but it practically means the same thing. I haven't moved from this chair for 3 hours from the sheer guilt and shame of what I'm doing to her, plans for revision have gone up the ****ter. That sounds a bit heartless, I'll rephrase-I've been crying over the laptop screen.
    And I thought things were getting better for everyone!
    b) Having a tendency now mid-binge to suck or chew on the food for a bit as if to "flirt" with it then try to get it out again without swallowing so no damage done. So far this is only with chocolate, not any "real" food, but am I heading towards chew-and-spit purging? eep


 
 
 
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