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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    Speaking to a previous anorexic a few days ago her words made more sense than any piece of information or part of advice this thread has ever given. "If you don't want to change, nothing will work for you. If you really DO want to change, anything will."
    This is so very true (see profile pic)!
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    (Original post by Melting Sugar.)
    This is so very true (hence my profile pic)!


    :lurk:
    icon love!
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    I'm not quite ready to truly admit that I might have an eating disorder, although I have made progress in now being able to say to some people that I am receiving treatment for an eating disorder. To some of you, that may seem like a total contradiction, however, this has been an ongoing and overlooked 'issue' for such a large amount of time that coming to accept it, as I become more entangled in my 'problems', is most tricky. I am therefore making this post in an attempt to gain some acceptance over my problem.

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    I am now in my eighth (or so) year with eating 'issues' and yet only sought proper help a month or so ago, and even then my hand was forced somewhat.

    Although it is now mostly a blur, several things happened in the year I turned 14: I got braces; I lost the best part of two stone in a couple of months; I began self harming; I stopped eating breakfast... and lunch.

    Unfortunately, now everything is most mixed in my memory, but retrospectively I can see that I fitted every criteria for a textbook diagnosis of anorexia. And still my medical parents allowed it to be blamed on a mixture of the troubles of having braces fitted and a growth spurt, in spite of the fact that my food intake was being heavily monitored by my school. The self harm they didn't take so lightly, and I was forced to the doctors and then handed over to the joys of CAMHS. Wahey.

    I remember years 9, 10 and 11 as three rather bleak years. Rather than focusing on my GCSE exams, I spent hours awake each night, ritually shredding my skin, weighing myself, planning meals, and on several occasions taking pathetic concoctions of prescription anti-depressants and OTC painkillers. Pathetic they may have been, but I still managed to gather a handful of overnight hospital stays, each making me feel even more pathetic and worthless than before, thus feeding this habitual cycle. Eventually, the line was drawn and I was admitted to an IP psychiatric ward for a week, just days before I turned 16. This was a horrendous experience, which I care not to recall at this moment, but one particular factor about this stay still fuels the aggression of my food problems. That is that after a few days, I confided in a nurse about some of my issues with food. She told me she would arrange to speak to a doctor about it. The next day I was discharged. Then CAMHS weren't bothered when I stopped turning up to counselling etc. I stopped taking my meds and decided I would play at being 'normal'.

    It worked. I still self harmed, but I told nobody, and as far as my family, as far as school... heck, even as far as I was concerned, I was 'fine'.
    But of course, I wasn't. I eventually stopped the self harm, with only one tiny relapse, but the eating and the feelings that go with it were still very much carried with me, even if on the surface I appeared much more healthy (as people continually reminded me.) Throughout sixth form and the first two years of university, the problems and habits were still there, and I would hasten to say that the feelings were even stronger than ever before, perhaps because I was daring to try and suppress them. I remained vegetarian, a decision I only made initially as a way to control my food intake, and I calorie counted, restricted at least once a week, obsessively watched cookery programmes, exercised extremely perfectionist tendencies... you get the picture... but I did enough 'normal' things to ward off comments.

    Forgive me for rallying through this 'story' so very quickly, but unfortunately, it has been carried with me for so long, that I haven't fully unpacked it in a while. I have just noticed also that I have mentioned very little about the emotions behind the symptoms. I'm sure that has some silly psychiatric significance. Ho hum.

    So now I'm in my third year of uni. It counts. And I've lost almost two stone in as many months. In fact, even my doctor was shocked at the 5kg I lost in the space of the Christmas break. Hmm.

    I'm restricting like mad, bruising like a peach, and obsessing about everything. I'm back on the prozac, I'm exercising daily, weighing myself multiple times daily. I weigh the same as I did at age 14... already almost at my lowest weight. And people are concerned. They are noticing.

    Then on the doctor's screen yesterday, I witnessed the words 'anorexia nervosa'.

    No. It is not true. I cannot accept it.
    I have my psychiatric assessment next week. We will see then.


    Wow. So I just summed up eight years of existence in 20 minutes. Impressive.

    Keep strong guys- I've been following this thread for a long time, and stand amazed at the courage you have all shown.

    Good luck in your recovery!!

    xxx
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    (Original post by Anonymous)

    I can relate, I had a rant a few pages back about feeling like a fraud and never admitting my issues to anyone except for a few pages back - convincing my parents i'm fine and making sure when I do eat it's in front of them so they know i'm eating etc. I'd be completely hypocritical telling you to go and seek help, but I did seek help for another psychological disorder (anxiety) and it was probably one of the best things i've done
    Ahhhh this is so what I do, I make such a show of opening cupboard doors and loudly rustling packages so my parents will be sure to hear from where they are in the lounge

    Thanks SO much for your reply, that's actually a really good point about your anxiety, I've got pretty bad OCD which I'd never thought about in this context but I guess that really could have an influence. And seeing somebody about that seems SO much less daunting than the other stuff. To be completely honest, as much as I know I should, I still can't face the thought of actually talking to my personal tutor or someone about the food issues just yet, but I really might see if there's some sort of counselling/ help service I could go to about the OCD
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    Opinions- Is it ever posible to recover from an ED without psychiatric treatment (IP/OP)?
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    Hello,

    I've been lurking for a little while, reading the posts here and not sure whether to add my voice A bit scared to come out of lurkdom now but I feel quite scared generally... a feeling I know that people here will understand. I've found it very moving reading the messages and what people have gone through (and inspirational in how strong they are in struggling with it), and worryingly recognising some it in myself... it's very hard to know what to say.

    I feel embarrassed just 'launching in here' In reply to LaBelle's question "Is it ever possible to recover from an ED without psychiatric treatment?", I would probably tend towards no... because I feel very sucked in to this mindset, like I've lost all perspective. Maybe some people could, with extreme strength of will, 'get out of it' - but I think that in order to to do this, you would first need to get to a position of mental clarity where you recognise you have a disorder, that your thoughts and feelings can't be trusted, that they're self-destructive, etc, etc... that you can't trust your head or your heart, perhaps? Once you get there then I think you can do a lot for yourself, though perhaps psychiatric help and definitely loving support from friends and family always helps... but I think it's very hard to get to that starting point without psychiatric help.

    This leads me on to something I wanted to ask, really :") I feel it's one of the issues at the core of the ED and wonder if other people agree. A lot of the time I say to myself (and others) that I'm fine and don't really have a problem, but sometimes I have moments of clarity where other people look at what I'm eating (or more precisely not eating) and make comments that show me how abnormal it is and I feel ashamed, where I think I perhaps look disgustingly bony, or have such disturbing thoughts (textbook ED - alarming as a psychology PhD student)... moments of clarity that make me realise that I'm sick, basically. But even at the same time, I still have a desire to be left alone with it. People are worried about me and say I have an ED and must do this and that, but a substantial part of me wants to ignore it, be left alone to keep doing what I'm doing because getting better / stopping my rituals = gaining weight, which is to be avoided at all costs, even though I know I'm sick and I might even look better if I put on weight, as well as being healthier... it's this pernicious 'thinner is better at ALL costs' viewpoint where even when I recognise that I'm sick and my obsession is making me unhappy, the alternative in my mind is 'getting fat' which is infinitely worse, hence I feel I need to keep control over my behaviour. (Which I realise is ironic - it's controlling me).

    This maybe then comes back to the previous poster's question and my answer of yes, I think psychiatric help probably does need to be involved - because in a way, people could accuse me of "not wanting to get better" - I probably need to be dragged kicking and screaming at least to the point where I have more mental clarity, otherwise I just have this feeling of wanting to be left alone with this thing so that I can stay thin/in control, even though I KNOW it's bad...

    I feel quite guilty about this because it sounds like attention-seeking and 'wanting to be ill', which is so dreadful in light of how much people suffer. I just wonder... is this normal in ED? I kind of 'know' it is in terms of textbook ED, the 'egosyntonic' nature of ED... but I guess I just wanted to know from others in the same place...

    I very much hope that I don't offend anyone here with this question and my view. Please forgive me if that's the case... I'm finding it quite hard to get my thoughts out clearly these days. I used to be fairly good at expressing myself in writing, but I feel that's going by the wayside these days!
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    (Original post by rach087)
    Hello,

    I've been lurking for a little while, reading the posts here and not sure whether to add my voice A bit scared to come out of lurkdom now but I feel quite scared generally... a feeling I know that people here will understand. I've found it very moving reading the messages and what people have gone through (and inspirational in how strong they are in struggling with it), and worryingly recognising some it in myself... it's very hard to know what to say.

    I feel embarrassed just 'launching in here' In reply to LaBelle's question "Is it ever possible to recover from an ED without psychiatric treatment?", I would probably tend towards no... because I feel very sucked in to this mindset, like I've lost all perspective. Maybe some people could, with extreme strength of will, 'get out of it' - but I think that in order to to do this, you would first need to get to a position of mental clarity where you recognise you have a disorder, that your thoughts and feelings can't be trusted, that they're self-destructive, etc, etc... that you can't trust your head or your heart, perhaps? Once you get there then I think you can do a lot for yourself, though perhaps psychiatric help and definitely loving support from friends and family always helps... but I think it's very hard to get to that starting point without psychiatric help.

    This leads me on to something I wanted to ask, really :") I feel it's one of the issues at the core of the ED and wonder if other people agree. A lot of the time I say to myself (and others) that I'm fine and don't really have a problem, but sometimes I have moments of clarity where other people look at what I'm eating (or more precisely not eating) and make comments that show me how abnormal it is and I feel ashamed, where I think I perhaps look disgustingly bony, or have such disturbing thoughts (textbook ED - alarming as a psychology PhD student)... moments of clarity that make me realise that I'm sick, basically. But even at the same time, I still have a desire to be left alone with it. People are worried about me and say I have an ED and must do this and that, but a substantial part of me wants to ignore it, be left alone to keep doing what I'm doing because getting better / stopping my rituals = gaining weight, which is to be avoided at all costs, even though I know I'm sick and I might even look better if I put on weight, as well as being healthier... it's this pernicious 'thinner is better at ALL costs' viewpoint where even when I recognise that I'm sick and my obsession is making me unhappy, the alternative in my mind is 'getting fat' which is infinitely worse, hence I feel I need to keep control over my behaviour. (Which I realise is ironic - it's controlling me).

    This maybe then comes back to the previous poster's question and my answer of yes, I think psychiatric help probably does need to be involved - because in a way, people could accuse me of "not wanting to get better" - I probably need to be dragged kicking and screaming at least to the point where I have more mental clarity, otherwise I just have this feeling of wanting to be left alone with this thing so that I can stay thin/in control, even though I KNOW it's bad...

    I feel quite guilty about this because it sounds like attention-seeking and 'wanting to be ill', which is so dreadful in light of how much people suffer. I just wonder... is this normal in ED? I kind of 'know' it is in terms of textbook ED, the 'egosyntonic' nature of ED... but I guess I just wanted to know from others in the same place...

    I very much hope that I don't offend anyone here with this question and my view. Please forgive me if that's the case... I'm finding it quite hard to get my thoughts out clearly these days. I used to be fairly good at expressing myself in writing, but I feel that's going by the wayside these days!
    I understand what you mean completely, and my counsellor today said she was now seriously worried and I have to get back to the GP for me to start properly on the CBT but I'm worried about going there and them thinking me an attention-seeker. And I understand being torn between two minds; half of you KNOWS it's not a life when everything revolves around how thin you are, that if you're not thin enough you're losing control, you're a failure. But at the same time to think of losing that anorexic voice, to think of gaining weight and the unimaginable thought of sitting down and clearing a whole plate of 'normal' food without any care for calories, just for the enjoyment of the meal...that option just seems equally as frightening.
    And I think without intervention, an anorexia sufferer will always veer between the two, living in this world of inner conflict that only leads to more destructive thoughts. How long have you been feeling this?
    And I'm sure you haven't offended anyone, it's nice to find somewhere to be supported with people who understand the experience, feels a lot less lonely and frightening
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    Just received a letter from psychological services for a screening assessment/session with a therapist for the end of March.. and to be truthfully honest I think I'm going to cancel it and not ask for another appointment. I'm back to the stage where I don't want to get better, and I think my slot should go to someone who's ready. I've been on and off Fluoxetine for over a month because I just can't cope with the way it makes me feel, I'm meant to be going to the doctor soon and I just can't face him right now. Just feel like a complete mess and I don't know how to handle it. Doesn't help either that I've had the flu for the last 11 days, and my body doesn't seem to want to fight it at all.

    Also, does anyone have a person that makes fun of their condition? How do you deal with it? My brother (who's 16) continuously makes gagging noises when he passes me and makes comments and jokes about the fact that I make myself sick. It's just so horribly and triggers me all the time.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So.. I feel somehow sorry to join this thread and I hope you all are OK.. I read some posts in the beginning but coward as I am, too scared to continue.. At last decided to share my story, hope you don't mind. It's not very bad and I don't know whether I could actually be classified as someone with an eating disorder, but I have a feeling that my relationship with food isn't exactly normal either and that's something I'd like to change this year. I finally want to be happy with who I am.. The fact that I'm able to do this anonymously made me decide to try to share this and hopefully this will at least remind me of my promise. I know my story is nothing compared to many others.

    It all started (oh, the regret) when I was around the age of 11/12.. For reasons I ate a lot and exercised little so I gained weight, naturally. This made me even more insecure than I already was and I hated myself for that, hated shopping, hated my body, wished I was like other girls. I wrote on my body that I was fat, weak and useless and that's what I told myself when I looked into the mirror too.

    This continued until at some point I decided I'd had enough of it. I made what I now see as probably the worst decision ever, I wanted to lose weight so I basically stopped eating. I ate incredibly little (I guess my average day was below 300 calories) and exercised a lot, so I lost weight and people commented on how good I started looking and how fat I'd been before. Then, at some point, it was as if something broke in me. I couldn't keep up with my diet any longer, I was tired as hell and didn't enjoy anything any more.. I was still disgusted by the look of my own body but I just couldn't bring up the energy for my strict diet any longer. Which brings us to my present.

    To everyone around I seem fairly relaxed and happy, I think. I don't talk about my dissatisfaction with my appearance any more since my mother never took it seriously, it was just a phase I was going through and she thought I had to stop whining, more girls were insecure. Besides, whenever I saw a slim girl I thought was attractive she would ask me 'well, you wouldn't want to be a skinny as her, would you?'. However, though I probably seem all right, I still hate my body. I feel fairly confident about my mind and I'm not exactly insecure about that, but whenever it comes to something physical I just break down completely. I'm, like, paralysed.

    My current relation with food is simply unhealthy. I eat as little as possible without having to give away anything about my eating pattern (so I don't allow myself to bring food to school because there's no one watching me, I wake up extremely early on purpose because 'I like to' but the real reason is that I can have 'breakfast'.. crazy really)
    However, this is not my main problem. I don't know whether it has a name or not but very often I lose control over what I eat. Then I just start eating everything I come across without really noticing/tasting/feeling it, and because it makes me feel sick I eat more, and I do everything I can to hide this. It feels so disgusting. I hide packages and do crazy things to prevent getting caught and I hate myself for not being in control all the time, I'm an extreme perfectionist and control freak. Afterwards I feel like I deserve 'punishments'; denying myself the right to eat or whatever crazy I can come up with.

    Like I said I'm not sure whether this is an actual eating disorder but I just don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I want to stop this before it develops into something more serious.. I'm not skinny though, but slightly overweight, and I have no idea how I'm going to start eating normally again because I still feel like I don't have the right to eat, but somehow I'll manage. People on here are in far worse situations than me and doing way better than I am. This is encouraging.

    Sorry for the long story. and now to hit 'submit' before erasing everything again.
    Hey Anon I think you're being hard on yourself. Even if you don't think your problems are much, there are lots of things going on there. I can't go into details because I'm not a doctor or therapist so can't say for certain and don't want to misinform you. But that doesn't matter really-whether you can pinpoint a specific set of diagnostic criteria is irrelevant to the fact you're suffering and want, need help! We don't need to compare ourselves to other sufferers, and most of the time this ends up just fuelling our own negative and self-deprecating mentalities. It's easy to forget that there's no prize for who wins at an eating disorder-there are no winners in what can become a game of life and death.
    I can partly relate having begun to do similar things myself, although no-one can ever truly understand each other's own inner battles. I can tell you there's a way out of it all that hopefully we can all find together.
    Although I know this might sound crazy to you right now, it's not just the over-eating which is the main problem. It's all part of the same parcel that's your relationship to food and self. Your restrictive habits of eating so little are just as much as one-in fact they're almost certainly the physical reason for why you have the moments of overeating. It's the reason that dieting rarely if ever works-it's a natural reaction when someone deprives themselves of something to eventually obsess over it, and when it's something as integral to our survival as adequate nutrition it's a response built on instinct for countless generations. It's a natural impulse and you can't fight your bodily needs, so why beat yourself up about it?

    But again that's not the real problem. Why do you feel your weight or how you look decides whether you have the right to eat, determines your own individuality and self-worth? Is it not enough to feel secure in the knowledge that you're an intelligent and unique person? Have you ever wondered if maybe one of the other girls wanted to be you? Just something to think about. You give yourself less credit than you deserve.
    It's great that you recognise there feel ready to open up to us on this thread. How would you feel about speaking to someone in person about it, your GP or someone you trust? Would you feel comfortably speaking to your mum about it? I think it'd help if you feel confident enough to tell her how you really feel. It's hard when those we love don't seem to understand what we're going through.

    :hugs:
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    So I feel like I've taken a massive leap forwards, even thought its just a small step.

    Whilst going out with friends the other day (and winding up drinking a lot more than I meant to) I accidentally let slip to two of then about what my ED was (they knew I had food issues before but didn't know why it was because I was too scared to tell them)

    Because of their reactions (worried about me) and my own feelings, I fired off a request for an appointment with the university counselling service today and whilst I won't be able to get one for quite a while, they sent a reply directing me to some self help books and resources, which I've just got out of the library and will be reading through tonight. Fed up of living like I am but still **** scared about gaining weight if I stop :/

    Thankfully the friends I have told are being really supportive and haven't said anything triggering thus far (other than a comment about 'you will keep it down, won't you...')

    Hopefully can get back to healthy eating patterns soon...
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    Unfortunately I can't be so optimistic today...
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    Going round the same old cycle, guys. Paralysis by analysis.
    Keep trying to win this battle against the treadmill but it's a slow process, I run for like a minute then I chicken out halfway through and go back to the walking when I feel an ache round a scary area such as my chest lol (I've had this checked out a million times and it's A-OK, the only way it'll stop being that way is if I start restricting, so wtf's the problem?). As a result, every time I go to the gym I start worrying more about what I'm eating, whether I've overeaten, start beating myself up more for having a chocolate bar etc. because I'm on a very lenient 1-2 treats a day rule in recovery, end up on stupid triggering sites trying to do stupid triggering macro calculations, get dissatisfied with what's for tea and the food in the house etc. because it won't fit them. And now, because I can't do anything about it and know purging right after a meal is plain dangerous, I binge out of never getting anywhere with my goals-but I need to go the gym to start growing again, and to ease most of my anxiety. Oh and I'm still obsessed with bf% because it does seem the only way I can stay skinny/slim or at least in good health is through being anal about diet. Ugh. Is there any way out? I don't know if anyone can relate to this particular phobia, I mean everyone's heard of the anorexic who has to run 5 miles after dinner, who's heard of the one who gets scared running up stairs? I’m basically the kid who’s lazy with exercise then complains that they’ve put on weight : /
    Guess I'm afraid that if I don't have the ability to exercise and be in decent shape I'm going to be so dependent on food I'll end up overweight. Seems like if I'm not on this "diet" shiz I'll end up the average teen slob sitting on his ass most of the day with occasional trips to the kitchen for munchies. I now have my belly back. My mates do exactly this, yet they don't have the baby-face look going on, how do they manage to avoid it? Adds to this messed-up idea I have of having to work extra hard to stay healthy than most people.
    And I’m horrifically inundated with the dangers of being overweight obesity that OCD will just not let me go there physically even if I’d just about get by there mentally (admittedly would still not feel great about myself as there may always be the BDD/vanity complex). Why that then translates as lose more weight=stay healthy! I don’t know
    Doesn't help I've lost all motivation to revise as Mum's been stuck on anti-depressants because of a mixture of me, crappy work and menopausal blues but mostly me. So I’m going to fail this exam and make Mum hate me even more because I’m worried about her hating me. Yay!
    Ffs I posted this on an earlier post…
    gain...
    And I’m horrifically inundated with the dangers of being overweight obesity that OCD will just not let me go there physically even if I’d just about get by there mentally (admittedly would still not feel great about myself as there may always be the BDD/vanity complex). Why that then translates as lose more weight=stay healthy! I don’t know
    Doesn't help I've lost all motivation to revise as Mum's been stuck on anti-depressants because of a mixture of me, crappy work and menopausal blues but mostly me. So I’m going to fail this exam and make Mum hate me even more because I’m worried about her hating me. Yay!
    Ffs I said this on an earlier post. I'm just going round in circles in my complaining too...

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    (Original post by sophiemay20)
    Just received a letter from psychological services for a screening assessment/session with a therapist for the end of March.. and to be truthfully honest I think I'm going to cancel it and not ask for another appointment. I'm back to the stage where I don't want to get better, and I think my slot should go to someone who's ready. I've been on and off Fluoxetine for over a month because I just can't cope with the way it makes me feel, I'm meant to be going to the doctor soon and I just can't face him right now. Just feel like a complete mess and I don't know how to handle it. Doesn't help either that I've had the flu for the last 11 days, and my body doesn't seem to want to fight it at all.

    Also, does anyone have a person that makes fun of their condition? How do you deal with it? My brother (who's 16) continuously makes gagging noises when he passes me and makes comments and jokes about the fact that I make myself sick. It's just so horribly and triggers me all the time.
    Please at least try and see what the appointment is like. Maybe you'll feel different by then as moods tend to rise and fall when we go through this. I've gone back to my not-wanting-help stage too, but I know that may change again when my weight's hit a total "low" again. Don't lose sight of the chance of being free from this, and as for your brother, don't take it to heart. You can do this :hugs:
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    Thanks so much for your reply to my post, Disenchanted It’s really nice to know people understand and this isn’t just me – not at all that I’d wish it on anyone. I think sadly a lot of people do think of eating disorders as ‘attention-seeking conditions’ It’s such a damaging perception when it’s so hard to come forward with this type of thing anyway. It’s so dangerous when sufferers feel they have to hide it. Is your doctor like that? Some are more sensitive than others. I guess if you have a really arsey doctor you could ask to be transferred – but I guess quite a bit of the attention-seeking worry is grounded in our heads, not reality. That doesn’t really make it any easier to deal with! I do hope you manage to get access to CBT if you want to and it helps you – I really hope you manage to do that...
    You’re absolutely right though and you really understood what I meant. It’s really not much of a life and it’s so ironic that the thing you hold onto for control controls YOU. My counsellor put it very well in that so many stressful/difficult things are happening in my life that self-destructive behaviour, whether it’s the ED or other things I do, are my stress valve... hence I can’t just let go of the ED and ‘allow myself to get better’, as my family and friends seem to think.

    Sophiemay, that sounds really tough with your brother – re others making fun of your condition That’s really awful! I imagine that he just doesn’t understand how painful it is for you, and I think that many people just don’t understand how these disorders are beyond our control. Maybe to many of them it’s simplified to the point of “why don’t they just eat?”. Do your parents know about your brother, could they possibly talk to him about it? Even if he can’t understand what it’s like to be in your shoes, just to help him understand that what he’s doing is very upsetting for you.
    I’m sorry you’re feeling so low you can’t deal with the appointment right now I think what Disenchanted said is a really good point if you haven’t cancelled it already... as these things can take so long to set up, it might be a good idea to hold onto it and see how you are feeling closer to the time. I would really recommend that too... I do wish you all the best with it. And I do hope you feel more on top of things soon too and more able to cope. You really go through peaks and troughs, at least I do. I’m in a trough right now and not sure when I’ll get out of it, but sometimes it’s easier to cope than others.

    WaterfrontWAR, I’m happy for you about the counselling – well done. I know what a massive and terrifying step that is. I’m so glad your friends are supportive of you. I really hope it works out for you. It’s a long process, counselling... I’ve been going for about 3 months, but I find I do come away each time feeling very thoughtful and a bit more calm.

    Riku, that sounds like so many difficult things to deal with – your revision and worry about your mum on top really doesn’t help. I think it’s so hard to deal with the negative emotionality from other people about us... makes you feel incredibly guilty but helpless as though you want to please them and not cause them hurt, you have the ED on the other shoulder threatening you if you do what they want.
    I think it’s true to an extent that due to our genes and metabolic differences and stuff, we put on weight at different rates and in different places, as you compare yourself to your friends. I know how frustrating it is and stating the obvious – so unfair! I know some of my original problem and obsession came from looking at attractive co-workers/friends whose weight I happened to know and thinking “when I weigh xkgs I’ll look like them” – only I didn’t. (As my boyfriend charmingly put it the other day, some people are “naturally thin”, in contrast I look “unhealthily thin like you've lost a lot of weight very quickly” – he didn’t mean it to sound nasty but it upset me a bit, though I know sadly it’s very true and I don’t actually look at my best weighing as little as other people). Ultimately I guess it’s accepting your own body structure for what it is... it’s all about loving and accepting yourself in the end, isn’t it – the eternal cliché I guess but so hard to get there. I’m sorry you had a bad day – I hope it starts to get easier I really admire your lovely welcome to Anon over the page when you were having such a bad day yourself.

    This is such a nice forum and I’ve been so encouraged seeing peoples’ messages of support to each other Thank you... I know that sounds weird because they’re not to me, but... it’s really warming nonetheless. So does being somewhere with people who understand, as Disenchanted said
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    Hey all

    I've been following this thread for a while, because I suspected I might be needing to talk to people who understand before too long...

    Potted life history (spoilered for BMI references and triggering websites):

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    • Currently aged 21, in final year at demanding university.
    • Diagnosed with anorexia at 16 (lowest BMI of 14.9), had CBT with CAMHS from ages of 16-19, avoided hospitalisation because by the time I got medical help I'd already started gaining weight (was up to BMI of 15.8) and was deemed 'emotionally mature' enough to be allowed to stay at home and school.
    • Recovered aged 18/19 - to everyone's surprise, uni helped massively, when I came home for my first Christmas holidays my family were amazed at how much more relaxed I was around food!
    • Relapsed first year of uni
    • Relapsed (serious) second year of uni - GP sent me to dietician and counselling
    • Came out of relapse in late-Jan 2011, currently at longest period of time ever without a serious relapse since my diagnosis five years ago. Been really confident and Ana-issues free most of 2011
    • Finals are scary. Been paying very close attention to myself because obviously risk of relapsing high (I get epic anxiety which has to date always triggered a relapse), and promised myself that I wasn't going to let Ana get in the way of my finals.
    • Been visiting pro-ana and thinspo sites in the last few days, which are danger sign number one in Tilli's "Uh-Oh, Ana About!" guidebook.
    • Also been wanting to restrict, and feeling uncomfortable with body image recently, as well as a feeling that I can't control my eating (had a few minor binges)




    Ta-dah! So here I am. I want to stay safe, and I think talking to people on here and supporting others as well as getting a little support myself will help prevent me from slipping down that path that I reeeeeeeeeally don't want to go down!
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    (Original post by Tilli)
    Hey all

    I've been following this thread for a while, because I suspected I might be needing to talk to people who understand before too long...

    Potted life history (spoilered for BMI references and triggering websites):

    Spoiler:
    Show

    • Currently aged 21, in final year at demanding university.
    • Diagnosed with anorexia at 16 (lowest BMI of 14.9), had CBT with CAMHS from ages of 16-19, avoided hospitalisation because by the time I got medical help I'd already started gaining weight (was up to BMI of 15.8) and was deemed 'emotionally mature' enough to be allowed to stay at home and school.
    • Recovered aged 18/19 - to everyone's surprise, uni helped massively, when I came home for my first Christmas holidays my family were amazed at how much more relaxed I was around food!
    • Relapsed first year of uni
    • Relapsed (serious) second year of uni - GP sent me to dietician and counselling
    • Came out of relapse in late-Jan 2011, currently at longest period of time ever without a serious relapse since my diagnosis five years ago. Been really confident and Ana-issues free most of 2011
    • Finals are scary. Been paying very close attention to myself because obviously risk of relapsing high (I get epic anxiety which has to date always triggered a relapse), and promised myself that I wasn't going to let Ana get in the way of my finals.
    • Been visiting pro-ana and thinspo sites in the last few days, which are danger sign number one in Tilli's "Uh-Oh, Ana About!" guidebook.
    • Also been wanting to restrict, and feeling uncomfortable with body image recently, as well as a feeling that I can't control my eating (had a few minor binges)




    Ta-dah! So here I am. I want to stay safe, and I think talking to people on here and supporting others as well as getting a little support myself will help prevent me from slipping down that path that I reeeeeeeeeally don't want to go down!
    In reference to the item in bold, we share the same sign. :yep: What I've taken to doing is downloading a website blocker application for my internet browser and listing ANY sites I can think of. Normally I see it as too much of an effort to unblock it again. If I do make the effort though, I'm going to get a website blocker with a password and just spam the keyboard so I can never guess it.
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    (Original post by briesandwich)
    In reference to the item in bold, we share the same sign. :yep: What I've taken to doing is downloading a website blocker application for my internet browser and listing ANY sites I can think of. Normally I see it as too much of an effort to unblock it again. If I do make the effort though, I'm going to get a website blocker with a password and just spam the keyboard so I can never guess it.
    brie, do you browse the internet with firefox. if yes, get leechblock and I think you can put a password in, or at the very least block them from 0000-2359 all week.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    brie, do you browse the internet with firefox. if yes, get leechblock and I think you can put a password in, or at the very least block them from 0000-2359 all week.
    I use chrome - I have a website blocker which is why I suggested it. So far I've not needed to make a password to stop any "temptation" to look! If I ever convert to firefox I'll keep this in mind though, thanks!
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    (Original post by briesandwich)
    I use chrome - I have a website blocker which is why I suggested it. So far I've not needed to make a password to stop any "temptation" to look! If I ever convert to firefox I'll keep this in mind though, thanks!
    Good. Because pro ana website are full of some srsly weird ****.
    • #85
    #85

    I know no-one has posted in this forum for aaagesss...but just incase anyone is out there..

    I have anorexia (2 years this month since) and am starting to really struggle again.

    The problem I'm having is that I have relapsed and know that if I don't get help soon I am going to mess up my 2nd year of A levels...but if I hold out at this weight until I've finished A levels then I will be messing up uni and therefore wasting money..

    I have been given the option of going inpatient which would mess up my A levels but maybe it would be best to take some time out..? The issue with this is that I have to go in before I turn 18 in May because that's when insurance runs out...

    I just feel sooo stuck because school is my life and I can't function without a routine...but I NEED to lose weight before I can recover or even go inpatient..

    Any advice?
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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    Please at least try and see what the appointment is like. Maybe you'll feel different by then as moods tend to rise and fall when we go through this. I've gone back to my not-wanting-help stage too, but I know that may change again when my weight's hit a total "low" again. Don't lose sight of the chance of being free from this, and as for your brother, don't take it to heart. You can do this :hugs:
    I tried to cancel it, but their offices have been busy every time I've closed. I'm adamant that I don't want to go.. but as you say, I should decide closer to the date because my outlook on everything might be different by then. My emotions are everywhere, they change all the time. I really hate how negative I've become, before all this I was really happy-go-lucky, always thinking positively.. now I'm a miserable b!tch all the time and I can't help it. But thank you for your support, and I hope you get to your 'wanting help' stage soon!

    (Original post by rach087)
    Sophiemay, that sounds really tough with your brother – re others making fun of your condition That’s really awful! I imagine that he just doesn’t understand how painful it is for you, and I think that many people just don’t understand how these disorders are beyond our control. Maybe to many of them it’s simplified to the point of “why don’t they just eat?”. Do your parents know about your brother, could they possibly talk to him about it? Even if he can’t understand what it’s like to be in your shoes, just to help him understand that what he’s doing is very upsetting for you.
    I’m sorry you’re feeling so low you can’t deal with the appointment right now I think what Disenchanted said is a really good point if you haven’t cancelled it already... as these things can take so long to set up, it might be a good idea to hold onto it and see how you are feeling closer to the time. I would really recommend that too... I do wish you all the best with it. And I do hope you feel more on top of things soon too and more able to cope. You really go through peaks and troughs, at least I do. I’m in a trough right now and not sure when I’ll get out of it, but sometimes it’s easier to cope than others.
    He's done it multiple times today, I just want to kill him! My parents have talked to him a few times about it, saying what he's doing is disgusting and isn't helping but he won't listen to them. I know it might be a case of him not being able to understand my condition, therefore doesn't know what to say to me when I'm around food, but the way he does it is just sly and nasty. I try to rise above it but it just makes me break down and lash out at him (and he's like 10 times stronger than me so completely beats me back). Think it just hurts more that he's my own brother saying this stuff, and not some stranger who knows nothing. Thankyou for the support though, I wish you all the best too!
 
 
 
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