Turn on thread page Beta

Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Not gonna be nice Antiaris in this post, so heads up.

    Spoiler:
    Show


    Bloody ****.

    Livid.

    Angry.

    One of the main roots of my ED is lack of confidence, feelings of not deserving, not being good enough, anxiety, all that crap.

    Today I finally brought up with my Dad the fact that when I was 13 he drunkenly whispered into my ear "you are NOTHING compared to me". I had a maths exam that week. I already had bad anxiety issues. He validated himself by saying that it was perfectly reasonable to say that to a 13 year old, out of the blue. It was to make sure I didn't 'get out of line'. Me, the kid he'd told would be looking out for him in his old age, told would be keeping an eye on my older sister in a wheelchair, being told that everything is going to her in the will anyway (mind, he told me that when I was 12), being told that I couldn't follow the career path I wanted as it wouldn't bloody be respectable for HIM (I wanted to be a photographer. Best photographer in the school according to the art teacher in secondary, A in A-level, with 4 offers from passers by for my pictures when my final project was propped up...), being secluded from doing stuff with friends, etc.

    That for a coping strategy for the ED should be 'just not doing it.' Oh. Amazing. What a GREAT idea! Why had no one ever thought of it?! He could transform psychology!

    I bloody followed the path he wrote down, signed the parchment in blood, all of that. Led to me breaking down in Uni. Whoop. Pharmacy is not for me.

    I have an interview, in Reading, this Wednesday. Nutrition with Food Consumer Science. I like Nutrition.

    I am not going to let this affect me before the interview.

    I will be calm. I will be collected.

    /End Rant

    • #48
    #48

    I'm going to take this as my new philosophy... (spoilered as I don't want to trigger any one but it's a decent pic)

    Spoiler:
    Show
    http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lykxyh27qM1qg8k13o1_500.j pg
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Antiaris)
    Not gonna be nice Antiaris in this post, so heads up.

    Spoiler:
    Show


    Bloody ****.

    Livid.

    Angry.

    One of the main roots of my ED is lack of confidence, feelings of not deserving, not being good enough, anxiety, all that crap.

    Today I finally brought up with my Dad the fact that when I was 13 he drunkenly whispered into my ear "you are NOTHING compared to me". I had a maths exam that week. I already had bad anxiety issues. He validated himself by saying that it was perfectly reasonable to say that to a 13 year old, out of the blue. It was to make sure I didn't 'get out of line'. Me, the kid he'd told would be looking out for him in his old age, told would be keeping an eye on my older sister in a wheelchair, being told that everything is going to her in the will anyway (mind, he told me that when I was 12), being told that I couldn't follow the career path I wanted as it wouldn't bloody be respectable for HIM (I wanted to be a photographer. Best photographer in the school according to the art teacher in secondary, A in A-level, with 4 offers from passers by for my pictures when my final project was propped up...), being secluded from doing stuff with friends, etc.

    That for a coping strategy for the ED should be 'just not doing it.' Oh. Amazing. What a GREAT idea! Why had no one ever thought of it?! He could transform psychology!

    I bloody followed the path he wrote down, signed the parchment in blood, all of that. Led to me breaking down in Uni. Whoop. Pharmacy is not for me.

    I have an interview, in Reading, this Wednesday. Nutrition with Food Consumer Science. I like Nutrition.

    I am not going to let this affect me before the interview.

    I will be calm. I will be collected.

    /End Rant

    Your dad's a spiteful piece of work. Your interview will go amazingly, and clearly, they wouldn't interview you if they didnt want you. Admittedly york say the same for Chemistry and I'm convinced they'll decide after interview that they no longer want me/ i'm genuinely as sad and as much of a loner as I sounded in my PS...
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    Ugh Ugh Ugh

    Spoiler:
    Show
    My dad hates fat people, to the point where he'll describe mildly overweight women on TV as grotesque. (And you wonder why I see thin as perfect?) We were looking at the family calendar (a personalised photobox one) and I remarked on how skinny my younger sister was in one pic (she naturally has a bmi of 15 so is very thin). He said "well we're a thin family, of course my daughters are thin". I went on the defensive and pointed out that me and another sister (I have three) aren't particularly thin. And he actually asked me what dress size I wear. When I told him (8-10 on top, 12 on bottom) he said "Oh, that's bigger than I would have thought. Well, you haven't lost all the weight from that medication yet (the one that made me put on 20 kilos)". When I pointed out that I'm a healthy weight, perfect BMI and pre-meds I was grossly underweight (one BMI point from hospitalisation, but I don't think he remembers that) he said "I'm sure you'll lose it all in a few more months."

    What the actual f**k?! YOUR DIAGNOSED ANOREXIC DAUGHTER IS AT A HEALTHY WEIGHT AND YOU TELL HER THAT SHE NEEDS TO LOSE SOME?

    This is the man that, when I was on the cusp of anorexia took me clothes shopping and remarked loudly that his eleven year old daughter was already a size ten. Just shut up. Stop being so disgusting. Unlike my straight up and down sisters I have a bust and hips, I'm the one who gets the most attention from men and it's like I'm horrible for besmirching our perfect family with my extra (NORMAL!) weight. Sometimes I just want to get obese just to spite him.

    Seriously, where does that man get off telling me about MY body and MY weight? I feel like my family prefer it when they see me eating nothing to having healthy meals like I've been trying to do.
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    Ugh Ugh Ugh

    Spoiler:
    Show
    My dad hates fat people, to the point where he'll describe mildly overweight women on TV as grotesque. (And you wonder why I see thin as perfect?) We were looking at the family calendar (a personalised photobox one) and I remarked on how skinny my younger sister was in one pic (she naturally has a bmi of 15 so is very thin). He said "well we're a thin family, of course my daughters are thin". I went on the defensive and pointed out that me and another sister (I have three) aren't particularly thin. And he actually asked me what dress size I wear. When I told him (8-10 on top, 12 on bottom) he said "Oh, that's bigger than I would have thought. Well, you haven't lost all the weight from that medication yet (the one that made me put on 20 kilos)". When I pointed out that I'm a healthy weight, perfect BMI and pre-meds I was grossly underweight (one BMI point from hospitalisation, but I don't think he remembers that) he said "I'm sure you'll lose it all in a few more months."

    What the actual f**k?! YOUR DIAGNOSED ANOREXIC DAUGHTER IS AT A HEALTHY WEIGHT AND YOU TELL HER THAT SHE NEEDS TO LOSE SOME?

    This is the man that, when I was on the cusp of anorexia took me clothes shopping and remarked loudly that his eleven year old daughter was already a size ten. Just shut up. Stop being so disgusting. Unlike my straight up and down sisters I have a bust and hips, I'm the one who gets the most attention from men and it's like I'm horrible for besmirching our perfect family with my extra (NORMAL!) weight. Sometimes I just want to get obese just to spite him.

    Seriously, where does that man get off telling me about MY body and MY weight? I feel like my family prefer it when they see me eating nothing to having healthy meals like I've been trying to do.
    It must be terrible to feel so disregarded and it's no wonder you're hurt. What your father has said is cruel, and obviously there is something unhealthy in his thinking; this is not normal at all. I'm glad to see however that you know that he is in the wrong here.
    Has he been brought up to believe in this distorted perception of women as ideally unhealthily thin? Does anyone on his side have an eating disorder themselves? Maybe he was under so much pressure when young to achieve that he has inflicted this on you and your sisters. Please ignore it. For your health, for your own self-esteem, ignore it.
    You're right to notice that you get more attention than your sisters; after all, doesn't everyone on this forum here because this is what we want to achieve: a picture of health? Of course your size-10 figure makes you beautiful and I can only envy you that!
    Hold your head up high. You've obviously got a good head on your shoulders and I'm pretty sure your Dad's view of "perfection" is not shared by others. Stay healthy and stay strong and you WILL come out on top. :hugs:
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Antiaris)
    Not gonna be nice Antiaris in this post, so heads up.

    Spoiler:
    Show


    Bloody ****.

    Livid.

    Angry.

    One of the main roots of my ED is lack of confidence, feelings of not deserving, not being good enough, anxiety, all that crap.

    Today I finally brought up with my Dad the fact that when I was 13 he drunkenly whispered into my ear "you are NOTHING compared to me". I had a maths exam that week. I already had bad anxiety issues. He validated himself by saying that it was perfectly reasonable to say that to a 13 year old, out of the blue. It was to make sure I didn't 'get out of line'. Me, the kid he'd told would be looking out for him in his old age, told would be keeping an eye on my older sister in a wheelchair, being told that everything is going to her in the will anyway (mind, he told me that when I was 12), being told that I couldn't follow the career path I wanted as it wouldn't bloody be respectable for HIM (I wanted to be a photographer. Best photographer in the school according to the art teacher in secondary, A in A-level, with 4 offers from passers by for my pictures when my final project was propped up...), being secluded from doing stuff with friends, etc.

    That for a coping strategy for the ED should be 'just not doing it.' Oh. Amazing. What a GREAT idea! Why had no one ever thought of it?! He could transform psychology!

    I bloody followed the path he wrote down, signed the parchment in blood, all of that. Led to me breaking down in Uni. Whoop. Pharmacy is not for me.

    I have an interview, in Reading, this Wednesday. Nutrition with Food Consumer Science. I like Nutrition.

    I am not going to let this affect me before the interview.

    I will be calm. I will be collected.

    /End Rant


    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    Ugh Ugh Ugh

    Spoiler:
    Show
    My dad hates fat people, to the point where he'll describe mildly overweight women on TV as grotesque. (And you wonder why I see thin as perfect?) We were looking at the family calendar (a personalised photobox one) and I remarked on how skinny my younger sister was in one pic (she naturally has a bmi of 15 so is very thin). He said "well we're a thin family, of course my daughters are thin". I went on the defensive and pointed out that me and another sister (I have three) aren't particularly thin. And he actually asked me what dress size I wear. When I told him (8-10 on top, 12 on bottom) he said "Oh, that's bigger than I would have thought. Well, you haven't lost all the weight from that medication yet (the one that made me put on 20 kilos)". When I pointed out that I'm a healthy weight, perfect BMI and pre-meds I was grossly underweight (one BMI point from hospitalisation, but I don't think he remembers that) he said "I'm sure you'll lose it all in a few more months."

    What the actual f**k?! YOUR DIAGNOSED ANOREXIC DAUGHTER IS AT A HEALTHY WEIGHT AND YOU TELL HER THAT SHE NEEDS TO LOSE SOME?

    This is the man that, when I was on the cusp of anorexia took me clothes shopping and remarked loudly that his eleven year old daughter was already a size ten. Just shut up. Stop being so disgusting. Unlike my straight up and down sisters I have a bust and hips, I'm the one who gets the most attention from men and it's like I'm horrible for besmirching our perfect family with my extra (NORMAL!) weight. Sometimes I just want to get obese just to spite him.

    Seriously, where does that man get off telling me about MY body and MY weight? I feel like my family prefer it when they see me eating nothing to having healthy meals like I've been trying to do.
    Spoiler:
    Show

    Not much I can add to these, guys. Must be horrible living with completely misguided parents, if anything I pity them. In that respect I've been extremely lucky with both parents. I do seem to have a semi-dysfunctional relationship with my mother but I think that's my own ED and anxiety distorting things rather than her not understanding and supporting me, especially as we get closer the more I recover. I think the main change has been me becoming that little bit more assertive and proactive.
    All I can do is reiterate what others have said and hope you remember you don't need the approval of others to recover. Like I said in the last post, might seem selfish at first as you all seem but this is something you do for your own benefit and you alone can choose this path-and there's nothing wrong with that. Considering how nice and caring you all are to others, it only seems fair to do something good for yourselves for once.

    Good luck with the interview, Antiaris!
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    Oh dear I'm having a moment:

    Spoiler:
    Show

    Mum seems knackered today and she keeps inhaling like really sharply which is like she's stressed and she just looked at me with that kinda fake smile like she's still not happy with what I'm doing and wants me to get bigger again by eating loads more but I can't explain to ehr that I can't do that I'll actually end up both skinny AND unhealthy it's gotta be done slow plus I'm getting results anxiety's going down and I'm gettinf titter and anyway I'me ating three emals day but it's reminding me how I've almost fporgotten she's gone on anti-=depressants mainly because of me and dammit I'm gonna have the same problem if I eat within comfort zone at nan's on Thurs aargh
    It's like I don't think they see me as their son anymore because I don't eat like I sued to

    Don't know whether this is anxiety sending me a barrage of disordered thoughts or what : /
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Riku)
    Oh dear I'm having a moment:

    Spoiler:
    Show

    Mum seems knackered today and she keeps inhaling like really sharply which is like she's stressed and she just looked at me with that kinda fake smile like she's still not happy with what I'm doing and wants me to get bigger again by eating loads more but I can't explain to ehr that I can't do that I'll actually end up both skinny AND unhealthy it's gotta be done slow plus I'm getting results anxiety's going down and I'm gettinf titter and anyway I'me ating three emals day but it's reminding me how I've almost fporgotten she's gone on anti-=depressants mainly because of me and dammit I'm gonna have the same problem if I eat within comfort zone at nan's on Thurs aargh
    It's like I don't think they see me as their son anymore because I don't eat like I sued to

    Don't know whether this is anxiety sending me a barrage of disordered thoughts or what : /
    RIKU. Breathe man. It's not your fault your mam is on anti D's. Depresiion is a chemical imbalance in the brain, not something you've done. Would talking with them help the 'ARGH -flail/mad panicness-?'
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I think I'm on the right path, I'm eating 3 healthy meals a day including all the things I need to and having a dessert as a treat after dinner. I'm trying to keep myself active by going to the gym but not being obsessive and so far it's working.

    I am struggling with the depression side of it, I feel really down a lot of the time and a part of me wants to 'give up' but I am STRONGER than that, I won't give up because it won't make me any less depressed. This is the first time in a while I've felt like a normal, healthy person and I don't see how going back to the way I was would solve anything.

    I've been going out a lot less and that to is helping me to feel better, no alcohol binges then starve days, no guilt from calories from drinking. Instead I'll go out once or twice a week as a treat, dancing will work off any alcohol and I can just ENJOY spending time with my friends and ENJOY being at university!!

    Just want to thank the people on this thread, I've learnt a lot from your stories and inspirational messages. The way that you didn't give up and showed me that I shouldn't either. You can't succeed unless you try, and maybe you'll get knocked down but you'll get up stronger and wiser and eventually you'll do it right, and it'll feel so bloody good!
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    RIKU. Breathe man. It's not your fault your mam is on anti D's. Depresiion is a chemical imbalance in the brain, not something you've done. Would talking with them help the 'ARGH -flail/mad panicness-?'
    Snowflake, she said to my face just ebfore she went on it's because of two reasons really: me, and she finds work ****. 0_0
    And she's like a different person at the moment, it's kinda manic depressive episodes one minute she's bouncy and laughing the next she's freaking out over nothing. She seems a lot more on edge anyway.
    Stupid thing is she reminds me of me last year, lol. Aaargh I feel baddd
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I sort of skim read the OP and is this thread a way to help each other?

    I don't eat when I'm nervous, stressed, depressed, not feeling 100%. Not out of choice but because me appetite just goes. Sometimes my stomach can be hungry without my mind being hungry. I go to eat but don't feel like it.

    Sometimes I forced myself to eat more, try and expand my stomach so I could increase food capacity. But I've been so down under lately that some days I can just not eat at all. I've always been underweight though. I have some big major things coming up in recent months that'll further increase my stress and nervous levels and possible cause depression or perhaps it might not.

    I once went to the doctor and they weren't too fussed. They wouldn't give me any protein shakes or anything like that. Are protein shakes a good way? It made my friend get quite chubby when he used to have them and not exercise.
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Riku)
    Snowflake, she said to my face just ebfore she went on it's because of two reasons really: me, and she finds work ****. 0_0
    And she's like a different person at the moment, it's kinda manic depressive episodes one minute she's bouncy and laughing the next she's freaking out over nothing. She seems a lot more on edge anyway.
    Stupid thing is she reminds me of me last year, lol. Aaargh I feel baddd
    Oh ****. Sorry!!
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    Oh ****. Sorry!!
    It's not your fault. These things happen, I guess.
    :hugs:
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Riku)
    Oh dear I'm having a moment:

    Spoiler:
    Show

    Mum seems knackered today and she keeps inhaling like really sharply which is like she's stressed and she just looked at me with that kinda fake smile like she's still not happy with what I'm doing and wants me to get bigger again by eating loads more but I can't explain to ehr that I can't do that I'll actually end up both skinny AND unhealthy it's gotta be done slow plus I'm getting results anxiety's going down and I'm gettinf titter and anyway I'me ating three emals day but it's reminding me how I've almost fporgotten she's gone on anti-=depressants mainly because of me and dammit I'm gonna have the same problem if I eat within comfort zone at nan's on Thurs aargh
    It's like I don't think they see me as their son anymore because I don't eat like I sued to

    Don't know whether this is anxiety sending me a barrage of disordered thoughts or what : /
    It isn't your fault Riku, you never set out to harm or upset your Mum and I'm sure she knows that. She loves you, so obviously her seeing you ill has been hard on her. It was the same with my parents they cried, blamed themselves and we argued. But they knew it wasn't their fault, but it was something that needed to be sorted out.

    Whenever we used to talk about my ED someone would get upset, but once it was all out there was also a sense of relief like we were a little bit closer to getting some insight or understanding and finding a way to solve the problems.

    Depression is a hard thing to deal with but no-one can be blamed for it. You said that what you are doing in terms of dealing with eating and your eating disorder is working, tell your mum that be honest with her, hopefully she'll support you. Reading your messages you sound like you're a fighter, so keep fighting. Don't go back to your old habits it won't help anything.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    Oh ****. Sorry!!
    By the way I'm sorry that I freaked out at you and acted like a complete *****. It wasn't your fault at all, I was stressed and shouldn't have taken it out on you. :hugs: xxx
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by squiff93)
    It isn't your fault Riku, you never set out to harm or upset your Mum and I'm sure she knows that. She loves you, so obviously her seeing you ill has been hard on her. It was the same with my parents they cried, blamed themselves and we argued. But they knew it wasn't their fault, but it was something that needed to be sorted out.

    Whenever we used to talk about my ED someone would get upset, but once it was all out there was also a sense of relief like we were a little bit closer to getting some insight or understanding and finding a way to solve the problems.

    Depression is a hard thing to deal with but no-one can be blamed for it. You said that what you are doing in terms of dealing with eating and your eating disorder is working, tell your mum that be honest with her, hopefully she'll support you. Reading your messages you sound like you're a fighter, so keep fighting. Don't go back to your old habits it won't help anything.
    Thanks Squiff. Things are all out now, after having done nothing but moan about it for so long right now I'm trying not to talk about it as much. Sometimes something has to be said but we try not to dwell on it. Course it's kinda in the shadows whenever I mention learning to cook, going to the gym and all that.
    See, the problem is I don't know whether I'm learning new skills to help keep me healthy and alleviate anxiety and my own depressed moments, or just digging myself deeper into the ED. As you are I'm trying to not get obsessive but now I can "work out" again, maybe I like it too much?
    I really don't want to go back to how it was, hell how it was even lasts emester. I screwed up in so many places, I know what can be done to make things better this time round. I just hope they're not clever excuses.
    Oh and Squiff, it sounds like you've come so far. You keep up the fight too, y'hear?
    :hugs:
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by squiff93)
    By the way I'm sorry that I freaked out at you and acted like a complete *****. It wasn't your fault at all, I was stressed and shouldn't have taken it out on you. :hugs: xxx
    dude. its ok. I shouldnt have said what i said the way I said it. The alcohol is not the cure for all of our problems thing still stands however.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Riku)
    Thanks Squiff. Things are all out now, after having done nothing but moan about it for so long right now I'm trying not to talk about it as much. Sometimes something has to be said but we try not to dwell on it. Course it's kinda in the shadows whenever I mention learning to cook, going to the gym and all that.
    See, the problem is I don't know whether I'm learning new skills to help keep me healthy and alleviate anxiety and my own depressed moments, or just digging myself deeper into the ED
    I really don't want to go back to how it was, hell how it was even lasts emester. I screwed up in so many places, I know what can be done to make things better this time round. I just hope they're not clever excuses.
    Oh and Squiff, it sounds like you've come so far. You keep up the fight too, y'hear?
    :hugs:
    Haha thankyou. Yeah I know it's a very slippery slope, I'm eating healthily but it's hard not to be obsessively healthy where it slips right back into restricting and cutting stuff out when it isn't healthy enough etc....

    I think learning to cook would be a good thing, learning to enjoy food and not to be scared of it. I personally like cooking, and I think finding new meals which are balanced, normal and can be enjoyed by myself and other people has really helped. I've found that eating things that other people have said taste good or look good has really helped me because if it's something another person considers a normal meal, it must be, and if they can eat it then why cant I?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    dude. its ok. I shouldnt have said what i said the way I said it. The alcohol is not the cure for all of our problems thing still stands however.
    Nah I read into things to much, which causes problems a lot. I still drink but I don't use alcohol in the way I used to. I go out once or twice a week with the pure intention of having a good time, and that's the way it should be!
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by squiff93)
    Haha thankyou. Yeah I know it's a very slippery slope, I'm eating healthily but it's hard not to be obsessively healthy where it slips right back into restricting and cutting stuff out when it isn't healthy enough etc....

    I think learning to cook would be a good thing, learning to enjoy food and not to be scared of it. I personally like cooking, and I think finding new meals which are balanced, normal and can be enjoyed by myself and other people has really helped. I've found that eating things that other people have said taste good or look good has really helped me because if it's something another person considers a normal meal, it must be, and if they can eat it then why cant I?
    Completely get you. I'm like that atm. Damn exams. Doesn't help we've a new chemistry teacher so I'm desperate for him to not think I'm completely stupid. Worried about uni interviews, german teacher basically humiliated me infront of the group before xmas. He could've called me a stupid ***** and i wouldn't have been much more offended. Yet now i'm getting praise because my speaking is getting better, I do NOT know where I stand with that man! Best friend has bought a new corset -
    Spoiler:
    Show
    in the smallest size you can get without it being custom made.
    and another friend I never see her eat.

    (Original post by squiff93)
    Nah I read into things to much, which causes problems a lot. I still drink but I don't use alcohol in the way I used to. I go out once or twice a week with the pure intention of having a good time, and that's the way it should be!
    Good. Reading into things too much is bad. Equally bad is assuming everyones lying to you/ taking the piss.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: October 31, 2015
The home of Results and Clearing

2,311

people online now

1,567,000

students helped last year
Poll
Do you want your parents to be with you when you collect your A-level results?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.