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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    Sorry for not being on in aaages, the DSA gave me a new laptop so I lost all my passwords and then got super busy... anyway, been reading through the last few pages and :hugs: to everyone. I really don't want to sound smug to people who are struggling but... I'm better. So much better. Arrived at uni with a totally clean slate and gradually increased my intake, I now eat at least two meals a day, if not three, and at least one of those is in public, surrounded by people. Initially it was difficult but it's just got so much easier - some days I barely think about whether other people are judging me for eating, or for what I'm eating.

    Some days I barely think about the whole ED thing at all.

    Going home for Christmas was insanely hard - it was my birthday the day after I got home and I spent a good fifteen minutes having a minor panic attack in the middle of Tesco because my mum asked me to 'choose something nice' for my birthday meal. Part of it was fear and part of it was huge disappointment, because I'd been so proud of how 'I eat three meals a day now' and being back at home meant suddenly I was right back where I started, frantically scanning the calorie contents and wondering if I could get away with half a carrot for my birthday dinner. But unusually my mum was really lovely about it. And now I'm back at uni it seems a world away.

    It hasn't been easy, ngl. Some days I can only get myself to eat soup, but then I forgive myself those days and move on with it. So far this term, I haven't purged at all. And yes I still look at calories, still watch what I eat, still spend more time than most choosing what I'll eat and when and how. I still method-eat, but that's improving. We were in the canteen a couple of weeks ago and when I finished my meal, one of my best friends here said 'you've won.' I was confused; he explained that I eat so slowly and so strangely it looks like a battle between me and the food. He was only joking, but when I thought about it, it doesn't seem like a battle any more. A bit of a chore, yes, but more often than not I enjoy it. Like I said, I don't want to sound like I'm boasting and I don't want to jinx it, I just want to say that it IS possible. I might not win every day, but I really am so much better.

    Best of luck to everyone. You're all worth so, so much more than this <3
    • #48
    #48

    Spoilered for calorie content and stuff....
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    Grr. Can't stop feeling guilty for my lunch - a quarter of a quiche (220), a sausage roll (238), 3 baby pickled beetroots (25) and a tablespoon of houmous (75). So, in total, about 550 calories... breakfast was a sachet of Quakers oatmeal and some fruit salad so about 250 cals... In total 800 calories and I feel like a whale. I think the problem is I *normally* just have the sausage roll, beetroot and homous (maybe with some carrot sticks or celery if I have it) but today I decided I need to eat the quiche that's been sat in my freezer for ages. Sigh. I dunno... I don't even know any more. :/
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    Hi there,

    Im sorry to intrude. I hope you are all ok...just want to send some caring thoughts to you all. And...I was wondering if it's possible for me to join please?
    x
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    (Original post by dobby_elf)
    Hi there,

    Im sorry to intrude. I hope you are all ok...just want to send some caring thoughts to you all. And...I was wondering if it's possible for me to join please?
    x
    OHMYGAWD. its dobby. Dude, its fine.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Spoilered for calorie content and stuff....
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    Grr. Can't stop feeling guilty for my lunch - a quarter of a quiche (220), a sausage roll (238), 3 baby pickled beetroots (25) and a tablespoon of houmous (75). So, in total, about 550 calories... breakfast was a sachet of Quakers oatmeal and some fruit salad so about 250 cals... In total 800 calories and I feel like a whale. I think the problem is I *normally* just have the sausage roll, beetroot and homous (maybe with some carrot sticks or celery if I have it) but today I decided I need to eat the quiche that's been sat in my freezer for ages. Sigh. I dunno... I don't even know any more. :/
    Anonymous, a 5-year old child needs, on average, 1800 kcals. You are eating less than half of what a primary one schoolboy needs.


    Dobby, tell us your story!! Of course you're welcome here! Don't hold back, you can tell us anything here.


    PS, I have just finished reading "The Invisible Man" by John F Morgan. It focuses on the male specific problems of EDs, Anorexia, Bigorexia, and compulsions. I would suggest all male ED members on this thread check it out.
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    (Original post by sentiment)
    Please try to stay healthy, Riku. You should be able to persuade them to take you seriously without having to destroy yourself first...
    I wish I could, I really do. But it seems I almost have to make myself go a few "real" binges for them to realise I'm a bit more than an emotional eater, and a bit more than naturally health and weight-conscious to boot.
    And yet every time I try and destroy myself, I get sick of it and try to get back up again! Today it was literally a minute shift from sugar overload causing mind-numbing coma to fire in my belly and gung-ho I don't know whether it's good or means I'm possibly bipolar. Anyway, I'm riding the new wave of hope for all I've got.
    Five days, hoping I can make it through-but you've been battling for five years, this should be a snap. If you can hold it out this long you can win the war for sure. x



    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    Sorry for not being on in aaages, the DSA gave me a new laptop so I lost all my passwords and then got super busy... anyway, been reading through the last few pages and :hugs: to everyone. I really don't want to sound smug to people who are struggling but... I'm better. So much better. Arrived at uni with a totally clean slate and gradually increased my intake, I now eat at least two meals a day, if not three, and at least one of those is in public, surrounded by people. Initially it was difficult but it's just got so much easier - some days I barely think about whether other people are judging me for eating, or for what I'm eating.

    Some days I barely think about the whole ED thing at all.

    Going home for Christmas was insanely hard - it was my birthday the day after I got home and I spent a good fifteen minutes having a minor panic attack in the middle of Tesco because my mum asked me to 'choose something nice' for my birthday meal. Part of it was fear and part of it was huge disappointment, because I'd been so proud of how 'I eat three meals a day now' and being back at home meant suddenly I was right back where I started, frantically scanning the calorie contents and wondering if I could get away with half a carrot for my birthday dinner. But unusually my mum was really lovely about it. And now I'm back at uni it seems a world away.

    It hasn't been easy, ngl. Some days I can only get myself to eat soup, but then I forgive myself those days and move on with it. So far this term, I haven't purged at all. And yes I still look at calories, still watch what I eat, still spend more time than most choosing what I'll eat and when and how. I still method-eat, but that's improving. We were in the canteen a couple of weeks ago and when I finished my meal, one of my best friends here said 'you've won.' I was confused; he explained that I eat so slowly and so strangely it looks like a battle between me and the food. He was only joking, but when I thought about it, it doesn't seem like a battle any more. A bit of a chore, yes, but more often than not I enjoy it. Like I said, I don't want to sound like I'm boasting and I don't want to jinx it, I just want to say that it IS possible. I might not win every day, but I really am so much better.

    Best of luck to everyone. You're all worth so, so much more than this &lt;3
    Great to hear you're doing well, Kebabbi. And thank you. It's news like this that reminds, me never say never.



    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Spoilered for calorie content and stuff....
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Grr. Can't stop feeling guilty for my lunch - a quarter of a quiche (220), a sausage roll (238), 3 baby pickled beetroots (25) and a tablespoon of houmous (75). So, in total, about 550 calories... breakfast was a sachet of Quakers oatmeal and some fruit salad so about 250 cals... In total 800 calories and I feel like a whale. I think the problem is I *normally* just have the sausage roll, beetroot and homous (maybe with some carrot sticks or celery if I have it) but today I decided I need to eat the quiche that's been sat in my freezer for ages. Sigh. I dunno... I don't even know any more. :/
    Spoiler:
    Show
    It's funny that there are some things where it's better the devil you don't than the devil you know. But trust me, that's quite a balanced and healthy diet and perfectly reasonable portions (actually, as Toto says you could get away with twice that amount!). Besides, if you have a bit of quiche because you fancy it, the world will not cave in! And to break from the normal way of things is perfectly fine. More than that even, taking risks to make the day memorable is what life's all about.

    Thanks for the concern too, meant a lot to me :hugs:
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)


    PS, I have just finished reading &quot;The Invisible Man&quot; by John F Morgan. It focuses on the male specific problems of EDs, Anorexia, Bigorexia, and compulsions. I would suggest all male ED members on this thread check it out.
    Definitely will put that on the reading list, Toto. Thanks for the heads-up


    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Not really. I'm kind of in a 'I'm SICK of this ED and it's ruining my life and I really want to get better!' mindset but everything in my head is going crazy and I can't seem to manage to make any progress on my own. And also, I keep being triggered by people around me (like one of my friends told me I looked fine when I was crying after eating a waffle and I had a complete meltdown and... yeah) and managing uni AND my ED seems impossible right now. I'm finding it hard to deal with anything rationally. I don't think I'll leave though, my BMI is high and stable (at least when I get weighed) and I'm worried things will be even worse if I go home without anything to do. But... no, things aren't great right now. But I'm still here.

    I'm going to go out and grab something to eat now. I really am trying and I'm determined to be ok, it's just... hard.
    Not much I can offer here either but :hugs: uni will be great to take your mind off things in some ways, unnecessarily stress you out even more in others. Just remember with anxiety, there's a difference between distraction and action. Choose what feels right in the long-term: yourself first, always. x
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    (Original post by Riku)
    I wish I could, I really do. But it seems I almost have to make myself go a few "real" binges for them to realise I'm a bit more than an emotional eater, and a bit more than naturally health and weight-conscious to boot.
    And yet every time I try and destroy myself, I get sick of it and try to get back up again! Today it was literally a minute shift from sugar overload causing mind-numbing coma to fire in my belly and gung-ho I don't know whether it's good or means I'm possibly bipolar. Anyway, I'm riding the new wave of hope for all I've got.
    Five days, hoping I can make it through-but you've been battling for five years, this should be a snap. If you can hold it out this long you can win the war for sure. x
    Just remember, however often we tell ourselves we can't do it any more, we always can. There's always a little bit of hope somewhere. You'll get through it xx
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    Hi :hi:

    Can I join please? I am being told I have an eating disorder but am struggling to accept it and see a GP.
    • #48
    #48

    Stupid ****ing cookie packet. :cry:
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    Okay, so I just went out with my boyfriend and ate a Chicken Shashlik..I'm usually okay with what I eat, I know I'm in recovery etc and so forth. But I've got terrible, terrible guilt for some reason this evening. :\
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    (Original post by Cherry Gwyn)
    Hi :hi:

    Can I join please? I am being told I have an eating disorder but am struggling to accept it and see a GP.
    Everyone's welcome here but you might want to consider the fact that a sig like yours might be triggering for people in a place like this...
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    (Original post by sentiment)
    Everyone's welcome here but you might want to consider the fact that a sig like yours might be triggering for people in a place like this...
    *whispers* That is EXACTLY what I was just thinking. :blush:

    I think I'm turning into a compulsive over eater or something. I can't stop eating. It's the crazy stuffing food into your mouth while tears are streaming from your eyes and you don't even want to eat but you just can't stop kind of binging. I'm not even surprised that this is happening to be entirely honest, but it's still terrifying. It's been like this for the past 3 days, I haven't slept a wink because I've been so hungry and after I binge I get even more dizzy than I was before.

    And thanks Riku and Snowflake for your support last time I posted.

    Kebbabi, I'm so freaking happy and proud for you!
    And Riku, I understand wanting to make things worse just to be taken seriously but I really don't want anything happening to you. Could you tell your treatment team about your self destructive feelings? :hugs:
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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    Sorry for not being on in aaages, the DSA gave me a new laptop so I lost all my passwords and then got super busy... anyway, been reading through the last few pages and :hugs: to everyone. I really don't want to sound smug to people who are struggling but... I'm better. So much better. Arrived at uni with a totally clean slate and gradually increased my intake, I now eat at least two meals a day, if not three, and at least one of those is in public, surrounded by people. Initially it was difficult but it's just got so much easier - some days I barely think about whether other people are judging me for eating, or for what I'm eating.

    Some days I barely think about the whole ED thing at all.

    Going home for Christmas was insanely hard - it was my birthday the day after I got home and I spent a good fifteen minutes having a minor panic attack in the middle of Tesco because my mum asked me to 'choose something nice' for my birthday meal. Part of it was fear and part of it was huge disappointment, because I'd been so proud of how 'I eat three meals a day now' and being back at home meant suddenly I was right back where I started, frantically scanning the calorie contents and wondering if I could get away with half a carrot for my birthday dinner. But unusually my mum was really lovely about it. And now I'm back at uni it seems a world away.

    It hasn't been easy, ngl. Some days I can only get myself to eat soup, but then I forgive myself those days and move on with it. So far this term, I haven't purged at all. And yes I still look at calories, still watch what I eat, still spend more time than most choosing what I'll eat and when and how. I still method-eat, but that's improving. We were in the canteen a couple of weeks ago and when I finished my meal, one of my best friends here said 'you've won.' I was confused; he explained that I eat so slowly and so strangely it looks like a battle between me and the food. He was only joking, but when I thought about it, it doesn't seem like a battle any more. A bit of a chore, yes, but more often than not I enjoy it. Like I said, I don't want to sound like I'm boasting and I don't want to jinx it, I just want to say that it IS possible. I might not win every day, but I really am so much better.

    Best of luck to everyone. You're all worth so, so much more than this <3
    You should be so proud of yourself, this will help and inspire a lot of us on here
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    I really identify with this. :hugs: I've been thinking about taking a leave of absence too but I'm too scared to email my tutor. I hope it goes well.
    :hugs: I also have this problem. There is no way I can keep up with this work in this state.

    --

    The problem is, I cycle between feeling completely normal and fine and 100% recovered and feeling at my absolute worst. I hit a certain low weight and convince myself I can eat again, and then hit a certain higher weight through eating and go back to eating nothing. This means i'm always between two (not awful) weights and two mindsets. Neither are capable of asking for help.
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    I didn't realise how helpful a good nights sleep can be to destructive, negative, invading ED thoughts. It almost wipes my "daily calorie counter" clean and gives me the chance to start over again.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Anonymous, a 5-year old child needs, on average, 1800 kcals. You are eating less than half of what a primary one schoolboy needs.


    Dobby, tell us your story!! Of course you're welcome here! Don't hold back, you can tell us anything here.


    PS, I have just finished reading "The Invisible Man" by John F Morgan. It focuses on the male specific problems of EDs, Anorexia, Bigorexia, and compulsions. I would suggest all male ED members on this thread check it out.

    Hiya,

    I'm sorry to intrude.
    Thank you totoMimo for accepting me here and letting me speak i really appreciate it.
    I guess my story is i've suffered from an ED since i was 9. I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to say on here :s But i have had bulimia since then until this day and from about the age of 11 i've suffered from anorexia. It all became so severe i have been hospitalised three times already and really struggling to avoid another admission just now
    Would love to meet others who understand. And I'm really really sorry for taking this space when so many others need to talk too :s

    Just want to send hugs (if ok) to you all
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    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    Okay, so I just went out with my boyfriend and ate a Chicken Shashlik..I'm usually okay with what I eat, I know I'm in recovery etc and so forth. But I've got terrible, terrible guilt for some reason this evening. :\
    It's quite healthy and balanced. Besides, you had a nice date, right? He enjoyed himself. You spent time with him. That's what's important!
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by dobby_elf)
    Hiya,

    I'm sorry to intrude.
    Thank you totoMimo for accepting me here and letting me speak i really appreciate it.
    I guess my story is i've suffered from an ED since i was 9. I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to say on here :s But i have had bulimia since then until this day and from about the age of 11 i've suffered from anorexia. It all became so severe i have been hospitalised three times already and really struggling to avoid another admission just now
    Would love to meet others who understand. And I'm really really sorry for taking this space when so many others need to talk too :s

    Just want to send hugs (if ok) to you all
    The wonderful thing about the internet is that space is unlimited... talk as much as you want :hugs: Everyone here is lovely and nobody judges so don't be afraid :yy:
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    OMG. I'm saying omg because this is EVERYTHING I've been thinking and going through. ****. :hugs:
    :hugs: x100 You don't know how much it means that someone feels the same way!
 
 
 
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