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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. Watch

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    (Original post by sentiment)
    I can't remember a time when I ever liked my body but I didn't start doing anything about it until I was fifteen. It sounds ridiculous but I literally woke up one day and thought 'I'm not going to look like this anymore' and flicked it on like a switch. It didn't take long at all before it was a way of life. It's even more stupid because I know looking back that I was always slim anyway, I've never been overweight in my life. Quite interesting trying to work out what the origin of it is.
    Same!
    I was chubby (not overweight, I was just tall and not skinny) all through primary school and I had no confidence so was bullied (it didn't help that my dad uses the word 'fat' as an insult and sees fat people, especially women as something grotesque. Then in the summer before secondary I decided to re-invent myself personality-wise and became rather popular in secondary school. And then in year seven we had to learn about EDs in PSHCE and I learnt about bulimia and stupidly decided to use purging as a way to lose weight. So I would just purge after every meal (never binging), also my mum had breast cancer that year so I was probably feeling pretty low/powerless. By mid-year eight I was restricting heavily and it was around then that I found Pro-Ana online.
    I've just realised, I've never really been a teenager. Like for the whole of my teens I've had an eating disorder. God, that's depressing. I'm turning twenty in April and my teens were lost to eating disorders.
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    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    Same!
    I was chubby (not overweight, I was just tall and not skinny) all through primary school and I had no confidence so was bullied (it didn't help that my dad uses the word 'fat' as an insult and sees fat people, especially women as something grotesque. Then in the summer before secondary I decided to re-invent myself personality-wise and became rather popular in secondary school. And then in year seven we had to learn about EDs in PSHCE and I learnt about bulimia and stupidly decided to use purging as a way to lose weight. So I would just purge after every meal (never binging), also my mum had breast cancer that year so I was probably feeling pretty low/powerless. By mid-year eight I was restricting heavily and it was around then that I found Pro-Ana online.
    I've just realised, I've never really been a teenager. Like for the whole of my teens I've had an eating disorder. God, that's depressing. I'm turning twenty in April and my teens were lost to eating disorders.
    We did eating disorders in GCSE Biology. sir joking that he's got AN because 'he looks in the mirror and sees a fat person' wasn't funny. The rest of my bio group found it hilarious. I did get an apology, probs more because he was worried I'd go to the head.
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    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    I might be in a minority here, but could you please spoiler your numbers (i.e. weight). I know that a lot of us find numbers a trigger.
    Everyone else, please tell me if I'm out of line please.
    This is what I meant in my comment too.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    We did eating disorders in GCSE Biology. sir joking that he's got AN because 'he looks in the mirror and sees a fat person' wasn't funny. The rest of my bio group found it hilarious. I did get an apology, probs more because he was worried I'd go to the head.
    Ugh. YOU ARE WORKING WITH TEENAGE GIRLS (sorry about the stereotype) YOU SHOULD KNOW NOT TO SAY STUFF LIKE THAT.
    • #48
    #48

    Oh dear god I'm in a binge and the only thing I can think to do to stop it is to go and walk to the petrol station and buy some cigarettes and smoke the entire pack. :cry: Please, please help me

    Spoiler:
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    So far it's a caramel cream egg, two glazed ring doughnuts, half a big bag of Sensations, a pack of sushi, a cheese burger and a McChicken sandwich. This is more than I've eaten in about three days :cry: I can't stop...
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    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    Ugh. YOU ARE WORKING WITH TEENAGE GIRLS (sorry about the stereotype) YOU SHOULD KNOW NOT TO SAY STUFF LIKE THAT.
    I know. That's what I thought. well, more uneducated twit. I'm resitting my AS german speaking exam in the summer. In the booklet of questions that we could get asked for the 'healthy living' topic, theres one about eating disorders. If i get asked that particular question/ a similar one, he's going to regret asking me, thats if i dont ask him to change the subject. My response that i bullet pointed for it was something along the lines of, you dont seriously believe that something which takes and destroys everything that makes your life worth living, is something we do for attention?
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    I know. That's what I thought. well, more uneducated twit. I'm resitting my AS german speaking exam in the summer. In the booklet of questions that we could get asked for the 'healthy living' topic, theres one about eating disorders. If i get asked that particular question/ a similar one, he's going to regret asking me, thats if i dont ask him to change the subject. My response that i bullet pointed for it was something along the lines of, you dont seriously believe that something which takes and destroys everything that makes your life worth living, is something we do for attention?
    What's the actual question? I can't believe they've put one in about EDs being for attention
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Oh dear god I'm in a binge and the only thing I can think to do to stop it is to go and walk to the petrol station and buy some cigarettes and smoke the entire pack. :cry: Please, please help me

    Spoiler:
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    So far it's a caramel cream egg, two glazed ring doughnuts, half a big bag of Sensations, a pack of sushi, a cheese burger and a McChicken sandwich. This is more than I've eaten in about three days :cry: I can't stop...
    I know that smoking is bad, but the walk would probably do you so much good. Just to get some distance between you and the scene of the crime, so to speak. Just walk slowly to the petrol station, breathing deeply to calm down. Is there anyone who can meet you just so you have a distraction?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What's the actual question? I can't believe they've put one in about EDs being for attention
    ,,Bulimie und Fettsucht sind ein Ergebnis von Kommerz und Schoenheitswahn: bist du die gleiche Meinung?''
    means something like; Bulimia and obesity are consequences of comercialism and the ideas of beauty: do you have the same opinion.
    btw, the question wasnt set by the exam board.
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    I know that smoking is bad, but the walk would probably do you so much good. Just to get some distance between you and the scene of the crime, so to speak. Just walk slowly to the petrol station, breathing deeply to calm down. Is there anyone who can meet you just so you have a distraction?
    I made a promise with my BF that I'd stop smoking... Nobody around, BF lives 100 miles away and I live alone

    Spoiler:
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    I think I only want them because I know if I chain smoked them all I'd throw up no problem. That scares the **** out of me, I am not a purger.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    We did eating disorders in GCSE Biology. sir joking that he's got AN because 'he looks in the mirror and sees a fat person' wasn't funny. The rest of my bio group found it hilarious. I did get an apology, probs more because he was worried I'd go to the head.
    I don't know how, but people seem to psychically sense that sorta thing from me.

    I've recovered weight wise and am sorting out the thoughts. I go to cookery lessons to you know, enjoy. I enjoy cooking, it's like the awesome. Whilst sushing away at the sushi an old lady in the class keeps making jokes about anorexia with me. She has NO idea, I never saw her when I was thin but she kept making jokes about me living on lettuce (happened for a short period, well plus carrots.) Same lady kept making jokes about store clerks to the guy who worked in a hardware store.

    LaBelleEtLeBette, stop thinking about thinking about how much the bloody ED has done to you. You are trying to become a different person.

    2 random things;

    Spoiler:
    Show

    In recovery there have been a few things I have definitely noticed, the most obvious thing actually being personality change. I am much stronger now, much more driven and basically much more me. If you don't want to recover for the physical aspect at least try and recover for the mental aspect.

    I was terrified of losing myself if I gained. You don't. You define the shadow. You step out of the shade and a bit more into reality.


    Spoiler:
    Show

    Bit more news about me;

    Interview at Reading went better than expected!

    The interviewer ended with 'see you in October', and the next day I got email notification of my place!

    Spoiler:
    Show

    Just letting out a little steam.

    Same week I purged. I've been trying to avoid it as much as possible but it just came on. Family holiday in London, ate a trigger food, social crushing of a market, having to push my sister's chair around REALLY not wheelchair accessible spaces... Yeh.

    Just makes me nervous about relapse. I know what goes on in my head. I know that I've gained enough to be in a safe rage with wiggle room, but I know that I can lose quickly and I worry that just one day of slipping will lead my sliding down the entire slope again. I'm being careful and conscientious but I just want to not think about it.

    Psychologist said that pretty much the thoughts are so deep down in my psyche that it would take a lot of different therapies to get rid of it. Researching and tackling them myself but the results are so slow that it is painful.

    Well, soldiering on.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    I know. That's what I thought. well, more uneducated twit. I'm resitting my AS german speaking exam in the summer. In the booklet of questions that we could get asked for the 'healthy living' topic, theres one about eating disorders. If i get asked that particular question/ a similar one, he's going to regret asking me, thats if i dont ask him to change the subject. My response that i bullet pointed for it was something along the lines of, you dont seriously believe that something which takes and destroys everything that makes your life worth living, is something we do for attention?
    I would complain to the exam board. UGH.
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    ,,Bulimie und Fettsucht sind ein Ergebnis von Kommerz und Schoenheitswahn: bist du die gleiche Meinung?''
    means something like; Bulimia and obesity are consequences of comercialism and the ideas of beauty: do you have the same opinion.
    btw, the question wasnt set by the exam board.
    I did German A level... jesus, nothing of the sort would've come near our school! That is shocking. What the **** does bulimia have to do with obesity :/
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I made a promise with my BF that I'd stop smoking... Nobody around, BF lives 100 miles away and I live alone

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    I think I only want them because I know if I chain smoked them all I'd throw up no problem. That scares the **** out of me, I am not a purger.
    Can you just walk around the block, then? Because I really think that you need to clear your head and getting away from the place you have binged is vital.
    Or even if you just take a long bath/shower. Just so you can calm down and let go of the binge thoughts.
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    I don't know how, but people seem to psychically sense that sorta thing from me.

    I've recovered weight wise and am sorting out the thoughts. I go to cookery lessons to you know, enjoy. I enjoy cooking, it's like the awesome. Whilst sushing away at the sushi an old lady in the class keeps making jokes about anorexia with me. She has NO idea, I never saw her when I was thin but she kept making jokes about me living on lettuce (happened for a short period, well plus carrots.) Same lady kept making jokes about store clerks to the guy who worked in a hardware store.

    LaBelleEtLeBette, stop thinking about thinking about how much the bloody ED has done to you. You are trying to become a different person.

    2 random things;

    Spoiler:
    Show

    In recovery there have been a few things I have definitely noticed, the most obvious thing actually being personality change. I am much stronger now, much more driven and basically much more me. If you don't want to recover for the physical aspect at least try and recover for the mental aspect.

    I was terrified of losing myself if I gained. You don't. You define the shadow. You step out of the shade and a bit more into reality.


    Spoiler:
    Show

    Bit more news about me;

    Interview at Reading went better than expected!

    The interviewer ended with 'see you in October', and the next day I got email notification of my place!

    Spoiler:
    Show

    Just letting out a little steam.

    Same week I purged. I've been trying to avoid it as much as possible but it just came on. Family holiday in London, ate a trigger food, social crushing of a market, having to push my sister's chair around REALLY not wheelchair accessible spaces... Yeh.

    Just makes me nervous about relapse. I know what goes on in my head. I know that I've gained enough to be in a safe rage with wiggle room, but I know that I can lose quickly and I worry that just one day of slipping will lead my sliding down the entire slope again. I'm being careful and conscientious but I just want to not think about it.

    Psychologist said that pretty much the thoughts are so deep down in my psyche that it would take a lot of different therapies to get rid of it. Researching and tackling them myself but the results are so slow that it is painful.

    Well, soldiering on.
    Thanks for that. I think that I use this thread as an excuse to wallow.

    Wow, you've taken so many amazing steps! I have so much admiration for some of the people on this thread. I think that 'careful and conscientious' is the best way to go. Have you thought about writing fiction (or semi-fiction)? I find it's a great way to distance myself from mental things while still being able to analyse them.
    Congrats on Reading!
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    Can you just walk around the block, then? Because I really think that you need to clear your head and getting away from the place you have binged is vital.
    Or even if you just take a long bath/shower. Just so you can calm down and let go of the binge thoughts.
    Far too cold, and if I go I'll buy cigarettes. I've moved all the food down to the kitchen so I can't get at it as I'm snuggled in bed. Urgh, sugar headache >.<

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    Just told my boyfriend and he bloody laughed at me. ****er.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Far too cold, and if I go I'll buy cigarettes. I've moved all the food down to the kitchen so I can't get at it as I'm snuggled in bed. Urgh, sugar headache >.<

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    Just told my boyfriend and he bloody laughed at me. ****er.
    Aww, it's tough when loved ones don't understand.
    Good that you've moved the food. Also, if it's cold out of bed it might be an incentive to stay in your nice warm bed and not go and get food!!
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    :hugs: I also have this problem. There is no way I can keep up with this work in this state.

    --

    The problem is, I cycle between feeling completely normal and fine and 100% recovered and feeling at my absolute worst. I hit a certain low weight and convince myself I can eat again, and then hit a certain higher weight through eating and go back to eating nothing. This means i'm always between two (not awful) weights and two mindsets. Neither are capable of asking for help.
    *huggles* Are you seeing anyone? Like a professional? It's such a mind ****.
    I feel like such a failure because I can't sleep at night, I'm lucky if I get a couple of hours. If I make it to classes, I'm falling asleep and not taking anything in. If I don't make it to classes, I'm asleep in bed. I didn't come to university to sleep. And I'm not paying £3000 a year to not even manage my paltry 3 days a week of contact time. It happens regardless of what/how much I'm eating. I'd say I was being lazy if I wasn't howling in frustration when I woke up at 6pm after sleeping through my 7am alarm. But I can't bring myself to even speak to anyone at the university about it. Because they'll think I'm lying and lazy and weak.

    I had a really awful day last week. I'll put it in spoilers. Feelings and urges and food talk.
    Spoiler:
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    I went out with a couple of friends to a waffle restaurant. I didn't want to eat and I just thought 'You know what? I might as well try to be normal and I haven't eaten all day and I'm not going to have this chance again.' I ordered a cheese and mushroom wholemeal waffle. It was disgusting and the mushrooms were slimy and it had no salt so I couldn't bring myself to eat it. I then thought, well, I still haven't eaten anything so I'll order a desert. So I ate my waffle. Then I burst into tears.

    Friend 1 knew about my ED and friend 2 didn't. Friend 1 started talking about how she couldn't gain weight and how she forced herself to eat loads of calories and how she was only X stone and how people *thought* she was anorexic but she wasn't (she's the same height as me) and I started crying even harder because I couldn't find the words to say how triggering it was. She didn't get the hint and kept going on and on and on about her weight. I started ranting about how impossible I was finding things and how I wanted to go back to hospital but I was scared at the same time. Friend 1 was like: 'You won't end up in hospital, you look fine.' I started crying even more and excused myself to the toilet, tried and failed to throw up and stayed in there trying to compose myself. I went back to the table and friend 1 went to the toilet and I was just crying and shaking and then friend 2 came up to me and hugged me and said that she'd had a brief period of anorexia and said that she got over it by not hating herself and coming to terms with her body. I don't understand how it's possible to just 'get over' an eating disorder. Recovery? I can theoretically understand that. But I don't imagine how it's possible to just get over it. It doesn't make sense to me because I can't imagine it not taking years to work through even if I'm behaviourally stable. But I was really glad for the support. But now, all I can hear is 'You look fine' in my head and I'm really struggling not to stop eating completely and trying to ask myself what it will achieve. But it just goes against what other people keep saying to me. My family and my therapist keep telling me how necessary it is for me to eat and I can't go a day in the presence of my mum without her going 'Oh DD' and going on about how sick I look (even though I don't- not even ED goggles, I DO look fine). I don't think I've ever been this triggered and I've had people point blank tell me I've gained weight. I just don't know anymore. It doesn't MATTER what I look like, I know that. I'm not fat. Even if I was, it wouldn't matter. I'm so triggered because I'm in an emotionally shi**y place and I WANT an excuse to stop eating. I'm really trying to fight it but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and I just can't cope with not losing weight anymore.


    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    :hugs: x100 You don't know how much it means that someone feels the same way!
    :hugs: I'm sorry you feel that way! Is it any better now or? xxx

    (Original post by sentiment)
    2320?! Oh my ****ing god.
    OMFG is right! Surely you'd be spending the whole day eating...
    (Original post by Riku)
    Yeah I need to before I go back to how it was last year or it turns darker. Ohh I'm just so ****ing scared, my life is actually finally turning round and yet a part of me is determined to end it now before it gets good what the hell why! I just don't know whether they'll believe me, I'm down on the list of reassurance-seekers after all

    And I've just been hideously triggered by dinner. So I'm seeking reassurance as we speak :rolleyes: Warning: vivid food and feelings details
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    I was doing so well today, even coped with treating myself to a scone when out with my mentor because I'm trying to cut behaviours not treats and must learn that dessert's OK even if the voice inside is screaming well done f***o you've just ruined your diet yet another day, though it took some 10 minutes to choose to go whole hog and have butter and jam too haha.
    And then I come home and Mum's bf made me pasta carbonara... I thought I was ready for this, Mum did tell me but I tried to not inspect and give them the benefit of the doubt. And yet it's just a lump, ****loads of cheese and ham barely any veg, literally a big calorific ball of carbs, fat and sodium. I'm thinking well, you know I try and stay healthy and all that so that like I DON'T DIE but if you wanna give me high blood pressure then be my guest you jackass!
    And I was so looking forward to it because the old Tom loved and loves cheesy pasta and the cheese was actually nice even if "wrong" to eat but there was just too much ham to handle something stupid like 30 strips in the ball I don't know how this guy's alive especially with him smoking aaarghhhh (started thinking this in the bath) it's like he wants me to die so he can have Mum to himself-almost binged on their pasta too to see how quick I can constrict my veins but didn't I wanna beat this ****ing thing and I WILL WE WILL ALL BEAT THIS



    Sorry, even with the best intentions that's the closest the guy could get to deliberately triggering me or mentioning the f word for lulz 0_0

    Oh nooo Diamond, be careful You too have the power to say Yes and No to anything and everything! You're under no obligation to do anything other than what you want to do!
    Have you tried the HALT scheme (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)? With CO/E one of the things you need to retrain yourself in is whether the hunger is physical or emotional, it's easy to confuse the two once you're stressed x
    *huggles* NOTHING you ate was bad, I promise. In fact, I had cheesy pasta yesterday and it was yummy. I've never heard of the HALT scheme, thank you! I think it was definitely physical yesterday, my stomach was rumbling like crazy. :rolleyes:
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    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    I'm going to start campaigning for you to become PM or Health Secretary or something. You are ridculously inspirational.
    (Was that creepy? I feel like that came out in a majorly creepy way!)
    Um, yeahh...thanks... :call:
    Honestly, I'm flattered but there are some WAY more inspirational folks pushing this thread along than yours truly.
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    LaBelleEtLeBette, stop thinking about thinking about how much the bloody ED has done to you. You are trying to become a different person.

    2 random things;

    Spoiler:
    Show

    In recovery there have been a few things I have definitely noticed, the most obvious thing actually being personality change. I am much stronger now, much more driven and basically much more me. If you don't want to recover for the physical aspect at least try and recover for the mental aspect.

    I was terrified of losing myself if I gained. You don't. You define the shadow. You step out of the shade and a bit more into reality.

    Spoiler:
    Show

    Trying to hold onto ideas like this. I do feel there is a little more me here now, if it still feels like a fraction of who I was pre-divorce. But anything's better than nothing.
    I wrote down a fairly exhaustive recovery list earlier, been getting the OCD really badly:

    1. It is hard to recover, very hard, and you can't expect to recover overnight in even within a year. But an ED and other mental illnesses CAN be beaten, it doesn't have to consume or take your life. To overcome these things shows phenomenal strength of character.
    2. Because it's so hard, recovery is a full-time job. It's physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting-it requires all the energy you can muster.
    3. If going through weight restoration, you can't place any conditions on recovery. It's hard enough as it is without saying you'll only eat completely healthily, keep your BMI low or gaining while really rtying to lose e.g. reducing body fat. The physical changes are nothing compared to the mental and emotional benefits.
    4. You can't afford to replace one behaviour with another, or distract yourself with a new addiction, be it being drunk half the time or I guess in mycase, numbing yourself from the depression and anxiety with the Internet and screentime. You must be as present and in the moment as you psosibly can.
    5. You have to move on. You cannot dwell on your negative thoughts and emotions, or on what you've lost to being ill, or it'll consume you. You need to learn to appreciate what you have and what you are right now, and look forward to what you'll become.
    6. You can't define yourself by your illness. Soemday you won't have the illness to define you. Youc an't even define yourself by who you used to be, because the past can't be changed and you may well become someone else.
    7. Finally, you ahve to find a reason to recover, soemthing you'd give everything for. Youc an't only do this for others, you must also do it for yourself and believe you alone are worth the fight. Until you know your purpose as an individual in your own right, outside the world, you can't fully commit to recovery and external stressors can put you at risk of relapse. Finding this takes time, lots of time, so give yourself that time to really explore who you are. As I've said before, it's not selfish to love yourself as much as others.

    Not sure if we really need our own successes and motivations spoilered? Anyway, congrats on the placement, man!



    Ladies, I think in truth there's a bit of ED goggles coming on with this recommendation? What it really means is more energy, more opportunity, more experience, more time to be you and live your life!

    Oh-a little motivational song for my TSR buds out there. No apologies for the heaviness!
    http://youtu.be/ZEjM_wF1VBA
 
 
 
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