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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by .Scout.)
    *hugs*
    I know exactly what you are going through.
    I didn't have the best start in life; I had a tough childhood which caused me (and still to this day causes) a lot of pain and upset. I ultimately used food as a way of gaining some control over my life. I was literally obsessed; I would think constantly about food - yet would deprive myself from eating. I would weigh everything, stand religiously on the scales and eat in private. This made me feel powerful and made me feel as if I was in control.
    I was hospitalised, I failed my A Levels yet still was delusional; I still craved control and thought that there was nothing wrong with what I was doing to myself. Now, I'm at university and at a 'healthy weight' but does that mean that everything is okay? No.

    To an outsider, everything would seem a-okay. I no longer look skeletal and my obsession with food and cookery shows makes it seem as if I have a passion for food; but in reality, I'm so close to slipping back into my old ways. I may be healthy now but I know that i'll never be able to fully recover as I just can't shake off this mindset.


    I'm exactly the same .Scout.
    Throughout year 9, 10, 11, then Sixth-form I had on-going issues that gradually got worse and worse. They lessened massively in the last year of Sixth-form (I was there for 3 years because I had to re-sit the year due to the problem) and I thought I was over it even though I was still thinking about it all and was tempted to carry on and want to lose a lot of weight. So it was better.
    When I moved to University this September just gone, everything was great, but in the last two/three months it's all started to hit me again, and I've started to slip into the behaviours again. The mindset has made a massive appearance.
    It really is hard.

    I hope that people that haven't got an eating disorder don't ever go through one, and never, ever wish to have one, just because you want to lose weight. It's life threatening and life changing, even if you aren't underweight, even if you are over-weight you can still have an eating disorder.
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by Antiaris)
    Mix together 1 chopped green chilly, 2 chopped garlic cloves, 1/2 stalk lemon grass, cinnamon to taste, 1" of ginger (candied ginger works best!), squeeze of lime, 1 teaspoon brown sugar (if not candied ginger) , toast for short while. Lower heat. Add 1/2 can coconut milk. Take off heat. Tear chicken breasts into strips. Marinate chicken in this solution for one hour. Chuck into oven at gas mark 6 for 18 minutes, or until cooked through (dependent on thickness of breast).

    Chicken breasts ready, just pull them out of the sauce. Protein for muscle repair. Spices for macro-nutrients. Garlic for dilation of blood vessels.
    Omg I'm eating this now and it's amazing, thank you x
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    Argh, tore my knee ligaments and broke my toe and now I can't run...the restricting is awful right now because I'm worried about not doing my 10-mile runs, but got to try and stay positive. I think everything happens for a reason, it's like this is almost a challenge. My body needs this rest.
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    Made a decision. If I can, next year I'm gonna move out.
    I'm making Mum ill and with her anti-depressants causing hideous mood swings right now she's making me uncomfortable.
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    Plus I'm triggered by ANYTHING she says about our meals. Yesterday I mentioned Dad and I are going to nan's (between that and the curry night, either of which trigger me to hell) and she said "yep that's fine, means I don't have to cook, YIPEE!" Clearly a joke but my OCD kicked in pretty quickly and so in retaliation I ate half a loaf of white bread, the end of a jam jar, and some of my sister's stupidly expensive protein shake. Sis was really pissed off because that one scoop cost a fiver, pobviously it was wrong of me to steal but ncie to see she cares about the fact I'm slowly destroying myself lol. I was tempted to hit the PB jar too but I'm fairly sure that kinda electrolyte imbalance could KO me : /

    I'm fairly sure half of my illness is part of some messed-up Freudian complex like I view her, the mother figure, as a threat to my own maturity into a young man. But even so I love her and I think it'd be for the best if we had some breathing space in my second year, just to see if it lets us both recharge and rethink things.
    The only problem there is Dad says he'd be unable to support me financially. But I weighed up the pros and cons last night and it came down to my health and long-term well-being being more important even than a few grand. Not to mention it must cost a fortune just to feed me atm. As for the fear of having complete control over food backfiring, I've a feeling I'm more inclined to overeat than restrict anyway-which wouldn't be a huge problem if it were on actual food rather than deliberately junk. I sucked at restricting/ healthy eating and exercise in the first place, if that's even possible.

    I'm also trying to actually be faithful to my religion this year and give up self-destructive behaviours and excessive negativity for Lent rather than being a smart-arse and giving up "giving up". That also means giving up the false identity of diet guru when according to the fitness mods I don't even know how to diet 0_0. it's covering up the real me-and besides, I know how to eat well and look after yourself, I just refuse to do it and ironically preaching about it to everyone else makes me refuse even mroe. Truth is I was far healthier when I didn't try than now when it dominates my world.
    Kinda failed at the giving up opn behaviours last night with the Mum trigger and a binge, now I have cravings for BK...Nan'll have pud too...the girl I like works at the one near campus...why is this getting worse?

    Alright, snap out of that Tom, smile
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by Riku)
    Made a decision. If I can, next year I'm gonna move out.
    I'm making Mum ill and with her anti-depressants causing hideous mood swings right now she's making me uncomfortable.
    Spoiler:
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    Plus I'm triggered by ANYTHING she says about our meals. Yesterday I mentioned Dad and I are going to nan's (between that and the curry night, either of which trigger me to hell) and she said "yep that's fine, means I don't have to cook, YIPEE!" Clearly a joke but my OCD kicked in pretty quickly and so in retaliation I ate half a loaf of white bread, the end of a jam jar, and some of my sister's stupidly expensive protein shake. Sis was really pissed off because that one scoop cost a fiver, pobviously it was wrong of me to steal but ncie to see she cares about the fact I'm slowly destroying myself lol. I was tempted to hit the PB jar too but I'm fairly sure that kinda electrolyte imbalance could KO me : /

    I'm fairly sure half of my illness is part of some messed-up Freudian complex like I view her, the mother figure, as a threat to my own maturity into a young man. But even so I love her and I think it'd be for the best if we had some breathing space in my second year, just to see if it lets us both recharge and rethink things.
    The only problem there is Dad says he'd be unable to support me financially. But I weighed up the pros and cons last night and it came down to my health and long-term well-being being more important even than a few grand. Not to mention it must cost a fortune just to feed me atm. As for the fear of having complete control over food backfiring, I've a feeling I'm more inclined to overeat than restrict anyway-which wouldn't be a huge problem if it were on actual food rather than deliberately junk. I sucked at restricting/ healthy eating and exercise in the first place, if that's even possible.

    I'm also trying to actually be faithful to my religion this year and give up self-destructive behaviours and excessive negativity for Lent rather than being a smart-arse and giving up "giving up". That also means giving up the false identity of diet guru when according to the fitness mods I don't even know how to diet 0_0. it's covering up the real me-and besides, I know how to eat well and look after yourself, I just refuse to do it and ironically preaching about it to everyone else makes me refuse even mroe. Truth is I was far healthier when I didn't try than now when it dominates my world.
    Kinda failed at the giving up opn behaviours last night with the Mum trigger and a binge, now I have cravings for BK...Nan'll have pud too...the girl I like works at the one near campus...why is this getting worse?

    Alright, snap out of that Tom, smile
    I don't understand how that comment upset you, my Mum says that all the time - she enjoys the nights where she can just relax rather than worry about standing over the stove for hours! I'm sorry if that sounds rude. Is it literally just the topic being brought up? :hugs:

    Moving out may be the best for both of you, space is always good.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't understand how that comment upset you, my Mum says that all the time - she enjoys the nights where she can just relax rather than worry about standing over the stove for hours! I'm sorry if that sounds rude. Is it literally just the topic being brought up? :hugs:

    Moving out may be the best for both of you, space is always good.
    It'a a silly OCD thing about her trying to prevent me reaching my "goals" etc. (I really overuse etcetera and inverted commas >_<) that comes out in a really disordered way which is pretty selfish as she deserves a night off! But yeah you're right it's no biggie :')
    Yeah I think I might have to, although for the time being I need to still practice living in the moment as things stand before I make any drastic changes. I've only just realised how far my head's up in the clouds! 6 months ought to be enough time. x
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    (Original post by PharmacyGirl26)
    Hi everyone,
    I have been following this thread for ages and would love to just ask a question. Has anyone managed to get any better, or take any steps forward, without seeing a counsellor or other such person. I get absolutely NO benefit from talking things through with people and working out where things started etc. It makes me feel worse rather than better and makes me mull over things rather than changing anything. I have tried CBT, counselling, pyschotherapy, hypotherapy, acupuncture...the lot - but to no avail. Everyone seems to think that I am getting defensive and hitting the self destruct button when I say that I do not want to carry on with this side of things. But I have no idea what alternative there is - has anyone tried anything else?

    Thank you in advance, any help would be amazing.
    Hey

    I feel exactly the same, i came out of inpatient treatment last december (when i certainly wasnt ready, but due to funding and the type of programme i had to) and now i get outpatient treatment and too, feel like i am getting nowhere.

    I can also, talk about why i think it happened, why it continues, till the cows come home, but it doesnt help. I need solutions, my gp says that they cant give you solutions and you must work them out for yourself, but how? when you do not know what will make you happy in life? What if nothing does?

    sorry to sound so depressing, but even if you want recovery so much it still grips hold of you and wont let go, and i suppose when you dont know what will give you more satisfaction than what the purpose of an ED gives you, its a lose-lose situation.

    Has anyone else experienced similar and come through the other end??

    xx
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    (Original post by natalie122)
    Hey

    I feel exactly the same, i came out of inpatient treatment last december (when i certainly wasnt ready, but due to funding and the type of programme i had to) and now i get outpatient treatment and too, feel like i am getting nowhere.

    I can also, talk about why i think it happened, why it continues, till the cows come home, but it doesnt help. I need solutions, my gp says that they cant give you solutions and you must work them out for yourself, but how? when you do not know what will make you happy in life? What if nothing does?

    sorry to sound so depressing, but even if you want recovery so much it still grips hold of you and wont let go, and i suppose when you dont know what will give you more satisfaction than what the purpose of an ED gives you, its a lose-lose situation.

    Has anyone else experienced similar and come through the other end??

    xx
    Wow, it sounds like I could have written that - sounds very familiar! I am starting to think now that if the talking therapy isn't working, then there is not much that could help and maybe I should just learn to live with it.

    People (esp medical and people at Uni) seem to think that is all there is out there and I may as well learn to live with my eating problems and just accept that this is me, rather than trying to get rid of them. My enthusiasm to fight this is getting less and less every day and this is really not helping, I feel like I am giving up and thinking, well maybe this bit of control I have is not all bad....
    • #48
    #48

    Cheerleading competitions are the biggest ****ing trigger ever. Especially when they're ones with all ages there (normally our squad just does university ones) so you have skinny as **** toned 15 year old girls walking around in tiny skirts and tops going into the shop and shouting 'I need EXTRA EXTRA SMALL SHORTS, THESE ARE TOO BIG' to everyone around >.<#

    Spoiler:
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    **** eating.
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    Urgh, I've just been in a car accident. I drove into a car in front of me.. I completely lost control of the car - it kept revving when I tried to brake. Thankfully the other driver was okay but I feel so awful. :cry: It's completely my fault! Maybe if I had been paying more attention or something.. or if I had tried to brake earlier it would be okay! This really hasn't come at a good time.
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    (Original post by briesandwich)
    Urgh, I've just been in a car accident. I drove into a car in front of me.. I completely lost control of the car - it kept revving when I tried to brake. Thankfully the other driver was okay but I feel so awful. :cry: It's completely my fault! Maybe if I had been paying more attention or something.. or if I had tried to brake earlier it would be okay! This really hasn't come at a good time.

    I'm sorry to hear about this but the main thing is that both you and the other driver are ok .
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    (Original post by briesandwich)
    Urgh, I've just been in a car accident. I drove into a car in front of me.. I completely lost control of the car - it kept revving when I tried to brake. Thankfully the other driver was okay but I feel so awful. :cry: It's completely my fault! Maybe if I had been paying more attention or something.. or if I had tried to brake earlier it would be okay! This really hasn't come at a good time.
    Oh god, poor you. As long as nobody was hurt then everything's okay. That's really all that matters! :hugs:
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    An article I was just reading mentioned someone with my lowest weight, saying that it was 'disgusting' that the person in question was at such a low weight for her (the same as mine) height... Until just now I had never realised just how small I was. I guess I thought that because doctors wouldn't pull some strings and hospitalise me (there were no beds in local units at the time) that it wasn't that bad. I'm just so freaked out. I hadn't realised that I had gone so far, it was all so long ago. I just don't know what to do with this information.

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    Also, since I spent a week bingeing and purging a couple of weeks ago, all I can think of is doing it again. I'll stand in front of the fresh desserts aisle (cream cakes and stuff) in the supermarket and obsess about having a binge. It doesn't help that I really want to lose all of my med-induced weight gain asap for my summer holiday.
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    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    x
    Does it matter what you were at your worst? No! It's not where you are now and it's not where you will ever be again. :hugs:
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    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    x
    Don't worry about it. The important bit is that you are above that now, that you are healthy and hopefully happy.

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    Found out something similar myself. My Mum works with the NHS and actually speaks to the team leader in my area, apparently if I hadn't had such a strong support network at home (NHS member an all) I would have been put in in-treatment too. The only thing you can do about the shock is simply get over it.

    Strange how that works. Apparently because my Mum worked for the NHS they didn't follow up quite a few of my accidents when I was younger, apparently the frequency of which would have put me suspect to child-abuse. I wasn't, as I remember most of them (apart from the concussions) but still interesting to see how much faith they put in somebody just because they work in the health sector.
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    x
    I guess, I mean I objectively know that now is what matters... But I had never thought of myself as *really* sick, 'cause I wasn't hospitalised. Bah, I need to stay away from articles about the 'Top Model' franchise.

    (Original post by Antiaris)
    x
    I need to get a necklace/bracelet/tattoo that just says 'now' so I remember that this is the important part.
    As for your spoiler
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    My mum actually trained as a psychiatric nurse so I think that put the doctors at ease with sending me home... Yeah, psychiatry in the late sixties/early seventies was a very different place then it is now!
    It feels like a bit of an 'old boy's club', doesn't it? (The NHS, I mean) They trust their own.
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    Jesus, Brie, I hope you're okay!! When things like that happen, it makes you appreciate how frail ANYONE is.

    Belle, let me just say what you mentioned resonated so heavily with me. Listen to Antiaris, that lad is a smart cookie!!

    But I look at myself now and say, "you've gained enough. You're gigantic now! Stop!" But then I'm reminded that "you're still very underweight!" and I point at my smallest me.

    My smallest me was WEEKS away from death. Literally so; I was told my liver was giving up. I was yellow-skinned. Why would I compare myself to that ghoul? Why should I use that as ANY kind of milestone?

    You should remember what I do when I get anxious - comparing should be limited solely to home and car insurance.

    When it comes to people, there is only one of you - therefore, by proxy, you are the most perfect representation of what, and who, you are as a person.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Cheerleading competitions are the biggest ****ing trigger ever. Especially when they're ones with all ages there (normally our squad just does university ones) so you have skinny as **** toned 15 year old girls walking around in tiny skirts and tops going into the shop and shouting 'I need EXTRA EXTRA SMALL SHORTS, THESE ARE TOO BIG' to everyone around >.<#

    Spoiler:
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    **** eating.
    :hugs:

    :hugs: to you Brie, that must've been so scary. I'm glad you and the other driver are okay.

    I suppose I should update on my situation. I decided to try and finish the year and then either take some time out or carry on. I just want to get my degree- any degree- and be done with it. I'm close to pulling my hair out though because I have two essays, one due tomorrow and one on Thursday and I haven't started or got a clue about either. I can have extensions if I need them but I don't want to take them. I really want it to be Easter break so I can go home.

    TRIGGER WARNING: Symptom talk and brief BMI mention and depression stuff
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    My parents are talking about me going to hospital in the summer holidays. I've said no. Not because I don't recognise that I need help but because of my weight. No NHS hospital will admit me (I'm a BMI of 18.2) and I'm not going to let them pay for a private place when they don't have the money and my parents seem to think hospital is a cure and I know full well it isn't. I didn't get better last time and I doubt being admitted will do anything and I'm too 'healthy'. I am not going anywhere near a hospital and especially not at this weight. But I'm just constantly suicidal and attempting to eat anything results in binging which leads to fasting for days but then the second I think 'DD, you're being stupid, eat something, just something little', my head goes crazy and I feel like I've ruined everything and then I binge and end up taking laxatives and then I gain the weight I lost and then I have to fast for days and the cycle doesn't stop.

    I feel too dizzy to exercise and I really want to because I want to start running again but I'm scared I'll pass out. I'm still not managing to get to classes and I can spend a whole week in my room. I really want to shake myself but I don't know how to make a difference. This isn't me. I always used to be so driven but now I don't care about anything apart from losing weight and I can't lose weight anymore so I'm just a mess. I've been trying so desperately not to just stop eating altogether but the binging is so distressing. I'm going to the doctors tomorrow to try and change my meds but... I just hate myself. I feel so weak and inadequate and I'm so tired of fighting. I WILL keep fighting but I don't want to anymore. I want it to stop but I don't know how to make it stop. I just want to be better NOW. I want to be better but I want to do it on my own but my parents keep blaming me and saying I'm not trying hard enough when I'm trying so hard. I tried the mealplan my therapist gave me, I take my meds, I tell the truth in therapy. What else am I meant to do? I can't concentrate on anything and I just feel so awful. But because of my weight, it doesn't seem to matter.


    Sorry, will probably delete in a bit.

    Hope you're all okay lovelies. xxx
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by diamonddust)
    :hugs:

    :hugs: to you Brie, that must've been so scary. I'm glad you and the other driver are okay.

    I suppose I should update on my situation. I decided to try and finish the year and then either take some time out or carry on. I just want to get my degree- any degree- and be done with it. I'm close to pulling my hair out though because I have two essays, one due tomorrow and one on Thursday and I haven't started or got a clue about either. I can have extensions if I need them but I don't want to take them. I really want it to be Easter break so I can go home.

    Hope you're all okay lovelies. xxx
    :hugs:

    Taken it out of the quote so you can delete if you want...
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    I thought the 'acceptance' threshold BMI was 18.5 now? However maybe the idea of spending the summer in hospital could be what you need to start helping yourself heal a bit more. You seem to be trying really hard but I disagree that you're 'too healthy', if your BMI is that low and you're suicidal and not concentrating then you are still very sick and deserve the help. :hugs:

    When I have a mountain of work and I have no idea how to get through it all (yes, I've been there at 3am with 3000 words left to write and a 9am deadline - and still no motivation, hah) I take a quick, half hour walk, just anywhere... but only for half an hour, then I come back, get a bottle of water and sit down and just start writing anything. If you're doing an English degree then are the assignments book related or your own writing related? Sometimes just forcing yourself to write absolutely anything vaguely related to the topic makes your brain tick over a bit and you slowly get more and more done. But remember, don't panic, and take the extensions! I don't really get them as I'm too shy to ask for them but that has resulted in a B grade essay being capped at a D- which would've taken my module grade from a low 2:2 to an almost 2:1... doh.
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    Spoilered because of numbery stuff, but it's nothing too bad. Just in case.

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    Just back from my weigh-in today and I am in fact, now 7 stones 7!

    I have reached that milestone where my current clothing feels like I'm about to HULK right out of it, which is terrifying. I seem to be gaining weight now whether I eat 2500 or 1500 kcals per day, regardless. It's a massive anxiety-blaster, and I for one am finding it tough to deal with that my body is almost saying "Ha, ha! I'm in control NOW, son!" - and that it's desperate to make me a whale. But I understand this is a common thought process I just need to deal with.


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    But when you're with such good company, such as my adorable nephew here, recovery doesn't seem so dire.
 
 
 
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