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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    "Do you miss being able to eat things without overthinking things? To be able to eat food normally?"
    This is quite a conflicted question for me because for the most part I do not even care, I do not care for food it is a hindrance to me, I am happy when I am not having to deal with it and I am never really hungry. My desire for food has never been prominent but then you get the times when you realise you're human and get that hunger pang (however rare it is for me) and think to yourself 'sometimes I wish I could just grab anything I want without checking the back and feeling incredibly anxious or greedy.' It is tiresome.
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    My sister asked me a question that I nobody had asked me before a few days back. It's a question I already had the answer to that I've thought about quite a bit, wondering about other people;

    "Do you miss being able to eat things without overthinking things? To be able to eat food normally?"

    "Obviously knowing more about food adds an extra comfort and a strange satisfaction but honestly, I told her, yes. I do miss it. I feel a strange jealousy of chubby people, seeing them eat things without caring sometimes. I don't want to end up like that, but I want to have that confidence and state of mind."

    Can I just ask, does anyone else feel like that sometimes?

    Also, curious, what are the people in your families like weight wise? My Dad is severely obese, with my sister chubby and my mother a little overweight (but healthy). People seem to think that my Dad is one of the root causes of the ED and the fact that he is overweight makes my lack of weight quite a strong contrast. Trying to look more into the psycholoy behind the variation in Anorexia between people.

    yes i do miss it, but i can't imagine ever being able to do it again, i also miss being able to eat normal things in front of people and not feel weird greedy or guilty about it. spur of the moment eating is impossible for me, it has to be a certain thing at a certain time and thats the only way i can eat without panicing. i used to feel guilty depending on how 'healthy' something was but now its quite often about the amount as long as the amount is ridiculously small i can eat most things, whole chocolate bars or whatever would be impossible but if i ate one biscuit i'd probably feel the same as if i ate an apple except if i didn't feel full i'd feel guilty that i ate for no reason because i was still hungry.

    the weights in my family vary quite a bit, everyone is a roughly normal weight, however everyone has got there through dieting, therefore i was a chubby kid like my mum and dad and started dieting first when i was in year 6 (suggested and helped by my mum) and again when i was about 15 i think, then i just never worked out how to stop or have a normal relationship with food, always too much or too little but too little feels like too much aswell. i feel like other people are capable of eating more than me and not getting fat but if i was to follow someone elses diet i'd be obese but they just don't accept thats true.

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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    Also, curious, what are the people in your families like weight wise?
    I live with just my Dad, who is very overweight. I wouldn't go as far to say he has Binge Eating Disorder, but he certainly eats for comfort and to dispel his depression. Everyone on his side of the family are the same, severely overweight, but very jolly people.

    My Mum is slim and everyone says I take after her in that department. Everyone on her side of the family is also slim.

    It's funny really, because I've never had a large appetite, like my Mum, but my brother has my Dad's appetite. :laugh:
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    My sister asked me a question that I nobody had asked me before a few days back. It's a question I already had the answer to that I've thought about quite a bit, wondering about other people;

    "Do you miss being able to eat things without overthinking things? To be able to eat food normally?"

    "Obviously knowing more about food adds an extra comfort and a strange satisfaction but honestly, I told her, yes. I do miss it. I feel a strange jealousy of chubby people, seeing them eat things without caring sometimes. I don't want to end up like that, but I want to have that confidence and state of mind."

    Can I just ask, does anyone else feel like that sometimes?

    Also, curious, what are the people in your families like weight wise? My Dad is severely obese, with my sister chubby and my mother a little overweight (but healthy). People seem to think that my Dad is one of the root causes of the ED and the fact that he is overweight makes my lack of weight quite a strong contrast. Trying to look more into the psycholoy behind the variation in Anorexia between people.
    I never really ate 'normally' before I was ill so I don't really know what a desire for food feels like. If anything, being ill has given me more of a desire for food. I do miss being able to eat chocolate and crossiants and stuff though, but then I sometimes eat it now! I just don't really have freedom around food. Like before, if I wanted to eat I would, I just didn't have an appetite so I didn't. Now if I want to eat, I have to consider so many other things and there are things I won't touch that I used to eat before. I do miss certain things though. I could have an innocent smoothie before and now I can't because I'm terrified of liquid calories. So I miss 'before' in the sense that I didn't really eat and it didn't give me health problems and I wasn't ruled by fear. Now I feel terrified that I'm going to gain weight even when I'm not eating, I'm scared that eating is going to make me throw up and I need to have a million showers a day because I feel so dirty after eating. Oh and I think I actually weighed less before. Though that might have been because I was younger. :rolleyes: Calories aren't a huge issue for me. I mean, I have a limit that I won't go over but I don't count every little thing I eat anymore. Mostly because it makes me feel even more guilty. I go by how full I feel so I shouldn't technically have fear foods but hey- ED logic! So in answer to your question, I don't know!

    Sorry for the essay!
    And weight wise, my mum is clinically obese (though she only looks overweight), my sister is healthy, my dad is sort of stocky but pretty muscly and my stepmum is a little bit overweight. On my mum's side though, everyone is obese, including my younger cousin. My mum constantly tells me and my sister we'll end up like her side of the family which freaks me out.

    (Original post by Linweth)
    This is quite a conflicted question for me because for the most part I do not even care, I do not care for food it is a hindrance to me, I am happy when I am not having to deal with it and I am never really hungry. My desire for food has never been prominent but then you get the times when you realise you're human and get that hunger pang (however rare it is for me) and think to yourself 'sometimes I wish I could just grab anything I want without checking the back and feeling incredibly anxious or greedy.' It is tiresome.
    This is how it is for me too. Except when I'm restricting I tend to read recipe books/watch cookery shows/bake just because I get obsessed with food and I can't remember what food tastes like.
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    Antiaris, I've stated before that I would adore being oblivious. Most of my family are overweight and have great, fun lives with spouses, kids and eat takeaways etc whenever they fancy... go into town and off-the-cuff just suggest a burger king for lunch, and go for one and have a great time for the rest of the day.

    Incidentally my own mother had bulimia in her youth (a revelation she revealed after I revealed my anorexia to her) and my aunt also suffered an eating disorder. Both of them suffer from the residual "kernel" of the ED and thus, as such, live miserably constricted lives as they constantly have mini-relapses of spending numerous days eating very little.

    Being conscious of something is one thing, but to be obsessed by it is absolutely another. But I definitely see a correlation between obliviousness and happiness, and sometimes I do wish I could be that ignorant... even if it meant being overweight to do so.

    There's a reason "Fat people are jolly all the time", so they say!
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    Recovery is always, always possible for everyone.

    Beating anorexia, OCD, depression and anxiety disorders is possible.

    Anyone who is suffering - take heart and have faith!
    • #18
    #18

    omg



    it's me again not had internet for a few days

    but i started purging. omg not proud of myself but didnt purge all my dinner

    didnt manage to get it all up just did a bit of sick

    wtf i have a problem im the one that never said id purged before and then i started done it only a few times now im not proud and i hate it and im smart enough to know its damaging and aint right but i have a problem an eating disorder
    • #18
    #18

    i love food. i hate myself for loving it. i have a problem. i smoke. i love chocolate. i've demanded i get another one today thats two. yet i also hate how fat i am. i dont know when this will stop. i cant stop eating yet im fat and want to lose weight ffs. it's a nightmare. purged last night not done it today but wtf is wrong with me.
    • #18
    #18

    i hate myself im fat i cant stop eating but ive realised too id rather DIET and STARVE than BINGE AND PURGE yet for some reason food is all i want i think it's cos of the depression but then i wont go out the house lookng this fat and during the day i constantly have on my long dressing gown my body grosses me out yet boredom still makes me eat **** all to eat though in this house and i cant go out to purchase anything so its relying on the gran etc damn wtf happened to me i waas the one that said id never purge before and now all of a sudden i started a couple days ago omg.
    • #18
    #18

    i hate it it does scare me. but i did it and felt better. just want some chocolate then i will diet tomorrow. ive been saying this for days it never happens as i wake up to the smell of mums food. but must diet, no one can control what i eat.
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    Anonymous, the frequency and erratic nature of your posts suggest you're either a) panicking to a heavy degree or b) disingenuous, and being the optimistic sort I am I'm going to assume it's the former. I wouldn't like to think anyone would consider "joke post" or some sort of ruse on this thread.

    At any rate, if I am correct in my assumption, you've definitely got some kind of anxiety disorder which needs to be addressed before your eating disorder. Nobody is forcing you to do anything. Nobody is your enemy. Don't think like that, because it's negative, destructive thoughts like that that cause people to reach the point where they cause themselves mental, and sometimes physical, damage. So think about that first. Why do you assume that everyone is "out to get you"?

    You *do* have some degree of control. Nobody is forcing a binge and purge upon you; of course, this is easily said. In reality an eating disorder such as bulimia nervosa compels you to do it beyond your reasoning. But it's just that; it compels you beyond your REASONING, not your CONTROL. If you end up binging, then understand this happened for a reason and try to underpin it. You cannot *undo* what you've done by vomiting.

    Once again it's finding the origins of why you feel this way. Nothing in anorexia, bulimia, or EDNOS thereabouts are solely based on vanity. Try to think hard and describe to us why you feel why you feel, but do so when you're calmer, Anon. XXX
    • #18
    #18

    I swear down I am not lying I just am an erratic type of person hun. I am panicked to the core/ fat/ a smoker/ a purger and I have a serious problem where i keep saying after today il lose weight but can't get onto the not eating wagon.


    i just want the perfect figure not this fat but due to my depression and boredom i eat. chocolate. food. lots. then hate myself it's a horrid cycle people are out to get me they watch my every move in this house as they buy the food and im damned if i eat and damned if i don't. they hate it when i dont eat. hence i eat to please them. but not myself. ahhhhhhhhh.
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    I'm glad that someone on this forum is doing something to positively educate people about eating disorders - I hate reading some of the ignorance on this forum, sometimes I wish they could spend just an hour in my head when I was ill to see what it's really like.
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    indeed/agreed it's like mental torture.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Antiaris, I've stated before that I would adore being oblivious. Most of my family are overweight and have great, fun lives with spouses, kids and eat takeaways etc whenever they fancy... go into town and off-the-cuff just suggest a burger king for lunch, and go for one and have a great time for the rest of the day.

    Incidentally my own mother had bulimia in her youth (a revelation she revealed after I revealed my anorexia to her) and my aunt also suffered an eating disorder. Both of them suffer from the residual "kernel" of the ED and thus, as such, live miserably constricted lives as they constantly have mini-relapses of spending numerous days eating very little.

    Being conscious of something is one thing, but to be obsessed by it is absolutely another. But I definitely see a correlation between obliviousness and happiness, and sometimes I do wish I could be that ignorant... even if it meant being overweight to do so.

    There's a reason "Fat people are jolly all the time", so they say!
    BiB: I agree with this. I've always said I wouldn't mind being slightly overweight if it meant I was happy! I think it's a good sight more attractive than being skin and bone anyway. I always envy people who can eat on the spur of the moment and not care or eat a whole pizza and not think about it. Even before I got ill, I'd look at the calories of things and go 'Oh God, so many calories!' but I'd eat it anyway. I was still aware of it though. I wish I could be ignorant about food and weight. I remember talking to one of my best friends about my BMI and she sort of did a double take and said 'I don't know what my BMI is.' I've spent my whole life being aware of my BMI because my mum constantly took me to the GP when I was younger about my weight because she thought I was too underweight and because I had to be weighed, I always knew. I was never conscious of my weight in the sense that I didn't eat certain things because I thought my weight would go up but looking back, I think I was pleased I was underweight and could fit into children's sizes when I really shouldn't have been able to. Maybe when I go to Paris in the summer I can manage a macaroon or two!
    I'm always worried about not fully recovering and then having behaviours left over. I'm so all or nothing I have to be fully better or fully sick. Probably why I'm finding whatever *this* is so hard!

    (Original post by S.Latta)
    Recovery is always, always possible for everyone.

    Beating anorexia, OCD, depression and anxiety disorders is possible.

    Anyone who is suffering - take heart and have faith!
    Have you recovered?

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I swear down I am not lying I just am an erratic type of person hun. I am panicked to the core/ fat/ a smoker/ a purger and I have a serious problem where i keep saying after today il lose weight but can't get onto the not eating wagon.


    i just want the perfect figure not this fat but due to my depression and boredom i eat. chocolate. food. lots. then hate myself it's a horrid cycle people are out to get me they watch my every move in this house as they buy the food and im damned if i eat and damned if i don't. they hate it when i dont eat. hence i eat to please them. but not myself. ahhhhhhhhh.
    Please don't take this the wrong way. As much as I hate to go all SF, I have to say this: The 'not eating wagon'? Seriously? You can see all the posts we're making saying how hard it is to get out of and you actually want to get into that? Starving will NOT give you the perfect figure. Unless you actually like disproportion and lanugo. Sorry if I sound really horrible, I don't mean to. It's just really frustrating reading your posts because like Toto said, you're not even attempting to think about why this is happening. Fair enough if you don't want to get into it on here but you seem so resigned to the cycle. Switching from one ED to another isn't going to make things better. Ok, you say it's due to your boredom and depression. Have you seen anyone about your depression? Are you getting therapy/in treatment? And as for the boredom, can you do something to occupy your time? I know how hard it is to break the cycle but if you're struggling as much as it sounds like you are, something has to give. Could you stop buying chocolate/put it somewhere it's difficult to access? Could you speak to your family and tell them what you're going to eat and when so you have a plan and they know not to watch or worry? And why do you put so much emphasis on 'the perfect figure'? Why does it matter? What will it say about you?

    You say you have a serious problem. It's really admirable that you can admit that. Now you know you have a problem, what are you going to do about it? I'm only saying all this because I find it really upsetting to think of how anguished and erratic you sound and must feel. I know recovery is by no means easy. Oh God, do I know. This thread is good to rant in- I know that too- but without reflecting and thinking you're not going to understand that this isn't healthy at all and you need to change. You can tell me to STFU and I really hope I don't sound judgmental but I just really want to see if you can think beyond the weight and the eating because there's far more to this than that, whatever you might think.
    No-one on this thread is going to judge you for whatever you're thinking. We're all here to help each other as well as work through or own separate problems. :hugs:
    • #18
    #18

    thank you dd

    i just feel like i have maybe binge purge sub type disorder god knows. i know it's all down to myf figure i feel and look fat and i dont wanna be this girl anymore yet the boredom creates the binging and then im back to start one i need to get a grip lose some weight and il be fine but that just cant happen cos i give in to the binging and i made myself a bit sick earlier but im a coward i only purge a tiny bit but ive started purging which is never ever good like others were telling me before they started purging they remembered their first time and told me not to but then i ....did. it;'s hell this mental torture. i feel like i have no privacy if i dont eat im damned if i do im also damned i cant take control and as i said i seem to comfort eat yet there is massive debilitating conflict cos i know i shouldnt be eating it as it wont make me fitter yet i still eat it hence the mental torture.
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    (Original post by Aemiliana)
    I'm glad that someone on this forum is doing something to positively educate people about eating disorders - I hate reading some of the ignorance on this forum, sometimes I wish they could spend just an hour in my head when I was ill to see what it's really like.
    do you mean people like me? i dont feel worthy of this forum my problems with food are really nothing in the scale of things, i'm just pathetic and weak. i shouldn't be taken seriously i'm probably not ill. i'm probably fine i just thought i wasn't but no i am fine so i think i should piss off. i'm ignorant aren't i and stupid. i'm so frustrated i wish there was something good for me to see in myself. why am i so bad
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    do you mean people like me? i dont feel worthy of this forum my problems with food are really nothing in the scale of things, i'm just pathetic and weak. i shouldn't be taken seriously i'm probably not ill. i'm probably fine i just thought i wasn't but no i am fine so i think i should piss off. i'm ignorant aren't i and stupid. i'm so frustrated i wish there was something good for me to see in myself. why am i so bad
    That's what I thought when I was ill. I just want to frog march your arse to the GP right now :hugs: You need help, you are ill! Please, please go to the GP.

    And the people I meant were the uneducated TSRians who think that it's simply vanity/just not eating/is non-existent.
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    (Original post by Aemiliana)
    That's what I thought when I was ill. I just want to frog march your arse to the GP right now :hugs: You need help, you are ill! Please, please go to the GP.

    And the people I meant were the uneducated TSRians who think that it's simply vanity/just not eating/is non-existent.
    the past few weeks have just been so confusing, i've stopped treatment for a little while and was coping pretty well. then everything just crashed and i just don't know where i stand, i almost can't be bothered to fight back anymore and im so on the edge of even being ill i just think i don't need help, just sometimes when i feel bad i say i do but i don't.

    im just a blubbering mess i cry all the time and i don't know why i just can't cope with anything in general. i think i just constantly over react. genuinely starting to believe i have a personality disorder or something
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    the past few weeks have just been so confusing, i've stopped treatment for a little while and was coping pretty well. then everything just crashed and i just don't know where i stand, i almost can't be bothered to fight back anymore and im so on the edge of even being ill i just think i don't need help, just sometimes when i feel bad i say i do but i don't.

    im just a blubbering mess i cry all the time and i don't know why i just can't cope with anything in general. i think i just constantly over react. genuinely starting to believe i have a personality disorder or something
    Go back to getting treatment - recovery is hard and help makes it a lot easier. The odd emotions are probably more to do with the incredibly difficult time you're going through right now, but it will get easier, so stick to getting better and you won't regret it :hugs:
 
 
 
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