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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    Awesome news, Toto. And you're right, recovery must be beautiful. Especially with good company like your sweet li'l nephew to walk it with you. You can do this man.
    Heart goes out to Brie and DD. Brie, I really hope you're doing alright and forgive yourself for a complete accident, it's really not like you intended what happened! Most importantly, both you and the other driver are alright, so the best thing will be to try not to dwell on what may have been. I've found that ruminating on the past and judging ourselves for our previous mistakes or slips only drags us from our present and all the amazing things we are doing right here, right now.
    Also Diamond, I understand the pressure of trying to deal with studies while recovering. Needless to say, your own wellbeing must come first. If you feel the need to take the extension, by all means take it. It's there for a reason, it's entirely your choice and it doesn't say anything about you as a person whether you take the extension or not.
    Both of you-I think trying at all is trying hard enough
    ______________

    Was about to be a big fat rant about how I'm doing. Then realised I've been typing for an hour, my eyes are tired and I'm making typos lots and have an assignment to do msyelf, sothis is potentially breaking Lent. Learning curve. Still pretty long in case tl;dr

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    This whole I'm gonna stop killing myself thing for Lent has been a mixed bag so far. I've broke it twice with binges and had some nasty moments. As a result my health and fitness is cylcling round, though I now know I'm aprtly setting msyelf up for that with a restrict then binge cycle.
    At the weekend I nearly gave up in general as I found out I'd completely messed up 2 of my 3 modules, so despite good coursework only have a Third in them. One of these was English which I took as a person affront to my identity- I ended up with a swollen foot from kicking a pillar fairly hard after realising I'd screwed up, because that was actually a slightly less destructive way of coping with the "failure" than going on a big comfort food spree and at least it broke my trance. . Certainly better than the SI and jumping in the road at incoming traffic I was doing last year...
    It didn't help I had Mum piping down my back that this isn't olike me, I'm usually a straight A student etc. etc. like I don't feel awful about this myself? I've a feeling my intelligence has decreased a bit from all the stress, but I also think part of my recovery from anxiety required letting go of the excessive amount of superfluous and superlative language and, you kow, talking straight/
    Silly me also started worrying that as I was limping for the rest of yesterday I might not be able to go to the gym today (conscious effort not to exercise when injured and definitely not lift), then I told myself to get a grip and look at the big picture whcih is doing the right thing for myself and those aroundme, which today right now is not the damn gym.
    It's alright now anyway, both how I feel and my foot (even though it was my fault). At the end of the day I could have done well with the exams but had a rough night and a fairly dodgy Christmas in general, nothing is going to change that but I can learn from it how to pace myself better during revision break and relax more closer to the exam. If I have to criticse myself I also know it's my fault for worrying so much abut what to eat, but I'm not really judging myself for feeling stressed like anyone else, even if it's come out in an extreme way.

    So from an emotional perspective, Lent isn't actyually going terribly poorly either. I'm starting to readopt healthy habits that I'd forgotten for a long time, I know when and where I'm going wrong, I can see the obstacle ahead and prepare for itmost of the time rather than just having a wave of panic come over me. The world seems to be quite literally slowing down again, and it's nice. Even if the disordered eating is still pretty iffy, my entire mental outlook's getting significantly better. I'm still often really nervous and extremely shy in person but I laugh and smile more and brush away silly trivialities like body composition and macros more quickly than I used to.
    So I've tried to turn the idea of "failing" my module around think, gee, I've been so swamped by my own fears and internal battles and I still manage to pass? To make it out of bed and up the bloody hill to university in the morning? Just that is an achievement in itself.
    I know there's still work to be done on detaching my grades other external factors from my work but this'll take time too. They've only just come abck to forefront as the obsession's transferred off food and weight back on to the real problems, namely relationships and studies.


    I'm facing a dilemma in that this current therapist at the ED Service won't even treat me as an ED sufferer but just a guy with severe anxiety around food. Part of me doesn't like this wanting to be more at risk than that, a lower weight again but I tell it to shut up and start thinkingg straight, not being ill is great!
    I'm working on why I feel the need to be ill and labelled with these disorders and I'd say as I do my confidence, self-esteem and assertiveness are on the rise as I stop falling back on how I've felt and what I've been through to justify how I feel now or how I will feel. I'm starting to get a degree of spontaneity too and see what happens when I elt my gut instinct have fun. Socially this'll take some time, but I just bought a Wispa Gold and the decision took less than two minutes
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    @Toto; You are doing so fudgingly awesome Monsieur Le Toto! Magnifique! Don't worry about weight gin being too fast or too slow or what have you. It happens. To get to where I am now I gained in unregulated spurts (won't mention numbers, hell I'm dealing better with things by not KNOWING numbers.) Shifting clothes sizes is good too, it means an excuse to reinvent how you dress an' all that!



    @Riku; sounds like you are in the level 1 service.
    Level 1 - General GP work
    Level 2 - Counselling
    Level 3 - Specialised Support
    Level 4 - Hospitalisation
    Level 5 - Fed through a tube

    You can ask to be upped to a level 2 service, don't ask for level 3. Generally if they are iffy at the moment being upped level by level is a more considered approach. Tell them what you want. Spoke to the leader on the team in my area and apparently GP's are fairly useless in dealing with ED's, she said when moving to a new area just tell them straight up what you want as they won't really understand otherwise.

    And don't take recovery as a lent thing! It gives the impression you can do it afterwards or something! Just, breathe. I used to have the, ummmm, vomiting bug too, the entire disengaged feeling, the feeling that something needs to be done in that state. Eat? Generally high on the needs list of people, right? You drift towards something. Food, drink, drugs, your vice.

    I've found a couple of things helped like mindfulness meditation. Do this when not in a 'hypno state'. Just close your eyes and concentrate on what is going on inside of you. Watch the images in your mind as they float by. Feeling the air filling your lungs. Don't think about the future, concentrate on experiencing the here and now. I've found it's able to drift into the other areas of life. I've also found doing something that gets out what you are thinking about out of your head helps too before it builds too much. Painting? Writing? Singing?

    Your choice.


    Personal thing, a little contradictory to what I said but something that reinforces it also;

    Spoiler:
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    Some days now I am actually thinking back to how I was thinking and think 'Really?'.

    A lot of the thoughts have gone, or not so much that but their POWER. They pester in the back of the mind, but by being a bit more in the now you kinda realise that it is THAT that is important. You can plan for the future, yes. You can set things up. But you can't GET the future you plan for UNLESS you live properly now and DO properly now. Not just in life, but to be alive.

    Sadly this is not professing to driving. I have my 3rd test this week (awful, I know but I keep making silly mistakes) and I have hit a little danger. I'm getting so stressed about it that I am actually going into 'trance' state whilst driving. Where I can't think, can't feel, just... drift. A good explanation of the feeling would be having a bindfold TIGHTLY constricting your head. You can only see the darkness, you can only think about the darkness and the thing squeezing your head. I've got to get out of this. I'm going to try meditating again, painting only does so much, but it is such a worry that it will happen when driving a 1.5 tonne battering ram filled with explosives (seriously, think of cars like that and they change entirely) that it becomes difficult.

    Patooey.
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    @Toto; You are doing so fudgingly awesome Monsieur Le Toto! Magnifique! Don't worry about weight gin being too fast or too slow or what have you. It happens. To get to where I am now I gained in unregulated spurts (won't mention numbers, hell I'm dealing better with things by not KNOWING numbers.) Shifting clothes sizes is good too, it means an excuse to reinvent how you dress an' all that!



    @Riku; sounds like you are in the level 1 service.
    Level 1 - General GP work
    Level 2 - Counselling
    Level 3 - Specialised Support
    Level 4 - Hospitalisation
    Level 5 - Fed through a tube

    You can ask to be upped to a level 2 service, don't ask for level 3. Generally if they are iffy at the moment being upped level by level is a more considered approach. Tell them what you want. Spoke to the leader on the team in my area and apparently GP's are fairly useless in dealing with ED's, she said when moving to a new area just tell them straight up what you want as they won't really understand otherwise.

    And don't take recovery as a lent thing! It gives the impression you can do it afterwards or something! Just, breathe. I used to have the, ummmm, vomiting bug too, the entire disengaged feeling, the feeling that something needs to be done in that state. Eat? Generally high on the needs list of people, right? You drift towards something. Food, drink, drugs, your vice.

    I've found a couple of things helped like mindfulness meditation. Do this when not in a 'hypno state'. Just close your eyes and concentrate on what is going on inside of you. Watch the images in your mind as they float by. Feeling the air filling your lungs. Don't think about the future, concentrate on experiencing the here and now. I've found it's able to drift into the other areas of life. I've also found doing something that gets out what you are thinking about out of your head helps too before it builds too much. Painting? Writing? Singing?

    Your choice.


    Personal thing, a little contradictory to what I said but something that reinforces it also;

    Spoiler:
    Show

    Some days now I am actually thinking back to how I was thinking and think 'Really?'.

    A lot of the thoughts have gone, or not so much that but their POWER. They pester in the back of the mind, but by being a bit more in the now you kinda realise that it is THAT that is important. You can plan for the future, yes. You can set things up. But you can't GET the future you plan for UNLESS you live properly now and DO properly now. Not just in life, but to be alive.

    Sadly this is not professing to driving. I have my 3rd test this week (awful, I know but I keep making silly mistakes) and I have hit a little danger. I'm getting so stressed about it that I am actually going into 'trance' state whilst driving. Where I can't think, can't feel, just... drift. A good explanation of the feeling would be having a bindfold TIGHTLY constricting your head. You can only see the darkness, you can only think about the darkness and the thing squeezing your head. I've got to get out of this. I'm going to try meditating again, painting only does so much, but it is such a worry that it will happen when driving a 1.5 tonne battering ram filled with explosives (seriously, think of cars like that and they change entirely) that it becomes difficult.

    Patooey.

    I might already be in Level 2 as the GP referred me through to a Changing Minds counselling team. But again, not trying to determine the severity and up myself for the sake of it when being low on their priorities must, even if it's uncomfortable, actually be a good sign?
    Recovery isn't for Lent, technically it was that I'd give up rumination, procrastination and negative self-talk. I'd give up giving up on myself. I deliberately didn't try to give up behaviours but unsurprisingly working on the others fed into behaviours. Reinforces the whole fact that is so often forgotten that everything has nothing to do with food or numbers really. But that is a very powerful myth to dispel.
    The plan is to realise the difference in everything, learn from the whole ordeal and keep it up after. But I did feel I should give something up this time as I haven't actually ever committed to anythig worthwhile.

    Meditation is incredibly effective but takes so much practice! Just a few weeks of thinking you can go without it and your mind could startw andering again. Soemthing I ahd to learn to do again was mindfully exercise, meaning not using my iPod as a distraction. Even with walking. Sometimes it's horrible as I'm suddenly so horribly aware of everything going on in my body. But that in itself makes me realise how much my thoughts wander and go off on dangerous tangents so I can bring them back to the now and it becomes a really peaceful experience.
    I still don't know exactly what else would take me out of my head. I thought reading but it doesn't, closest would probably be singing, watching comedies and right now guitar. Drums as well but I think it could help to find non-active mindful activities to do.
    Totally agree that living life right here in the moment is crucial to overcoming anxiety.
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    's'alright dude, most people have a hard time learning to drive. The very fact you've the balls to drive a car with anxiety makes me feel :eek:
    • #48
    #48

    First counselling session today was... horrendous. As normal. I hate it, I feel so crap all the time I'm there and then I come home and feel crap for the rest of the day. However she said something that makes sense... I haven't told anyone at all about my trouble with food but she was saying that I tend to do one of two things when I'm upset and stressed; either I hide away until it's all gone or I'll get destructive and hurt myself in any way possible (SH, smoking, and obviously under eating). So, guess my SH has just been replaced with restriction and fasting...
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    I'm going to say something happy about recovery (when has that happened?)! I've started developing breasts. I know at nineteen that shouldn't be a big deal but I started my ED during puberty and pretty much killed any development in the chest department. I am ridiculously happy about this. Whenever I see one of my friends who is as flat-chested as I used to be she gets so jealous.
    So yeah, weight gain on other areas might be hard for me to take, but I'm finally getting the body I should have had and if that means big boobs then I guess I can handle that.
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    Supersize vs Superskinny is so effing triggering, but I can't help watching it
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    (Original post by sophiemay20)
    Supersize vs Superskinny is so effing triggering, but I can't help watching it
    I'm always like "the superskinny's diet isn't *that* bad... her weight isn't *that* low" and then I have to mentally slap myself.
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    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    I'm always like "the superskinny's diet isn't *that* bad... her weight isn't *that* low" and then I have to mentally slap myself.
    Or, how i was at my worst. 'How the **** am I still this fat? I eat less than her'.
    At my worst I was very very mentally screwed up, and displayed all of the symptoms for AN except weight. BTW, on the boobs thing, you can have mine. I hate them.
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    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    I'm always like "the superskinny's diet isn't *that* bad... her weight isn't *that* low" and then I have to mentally slap myself.
    :console: So much goes through my head when I watch, it triggers off so many negative emotions.. but I can't switch off!
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    (Original post by sophiemay20)
    :console: So much goes through my head when I watch, it triggers off so many negative emotions.. but I can't switch off!
    it's fun when your mother accuses the girls with ed's as being disgusting
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    .
    If that was possible I'd take you up on that! I'm getting strangely obsessed with my chest... I think I'm finally allowing myself to have a 'grown-up' body. (Or else it's 'cause I wasn't breastfed)


    (Original post by sophiemay20)
    .
    It's like watching a car crash, isn't it? You know you shouldn't but you just can't look away.
    IMO these 'diet' and 'healthy living' programmes are more triggering than docs about EDs.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    it's fun when your mother accuses the girls with ed's as being disgusting
    :hugs: times one million
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    it's fun when your mother accuses the girls with ed's as being disgusting
    Aw hun, that must have felt so awful for you
    Earlier, when they were listing the physical signs of an ED, I panicked and literally had to run to the living room to check that my family weren't watching.
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    (Original post by sophiemay20)
    Supersize vs Superskinny is so effing triggering, but I can't help watching it
    Oh I know. My mum called me and she told me to put it on channel 4, and I did, saw the superskinny person and realised what it was and was like 'Oh hell no!' and it took me a whole 10 minutes to turn it off. I agree with LaBelle, it actually triggers me more than any ED documentary or film or whatever. I don't even know why, it just makes me feel awful.

    @LaBelle- Feel free to take my boobs too!
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    x
    I wish it were possible!
    Also, she didn't try to get you to watch it to 'prove a point', did she?
    • #48
    #48

    Bad program number two to be addicted to - Biggest Loser. It's soul crushing!
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    I think the worst instance with me was when my sister came into kitchen when I was clearing the dishes (this was pre-big loss, 1 1/2 into the ED anyway) and she began telling me how awful the show was, listing the characteristics of people with ED's. She ended by going, 'Seriously, the stereotype kinda fits you! Lucky you don't have an eating disorder! Ha!"

    "Yeh, ha, course. Silly really, ha! Better, you know, scrub the oven..."

    I scrubbed that oven for around half an our that night. (My Father cooks food to the point it has broken down into plain hydrocarbons and have begun to form plastics.)
    • #48
    #48

    Sorry to change the subject but this thought has just sprung on me... as I'm sitting in bed gorging myself on biscuits as a method of avoiding work

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    The photos from the comp last weekend of our squad are really interesting. In a few of them it's hard to tell where I am and if I don't look at my head/block my head out I look at my body and think that it's ok. But the second my head goes back into the equation, that's it, it's a fat person and it's hideous and not nice. :/ Hmm. I know over the last three years I've lost a fair bit of weight (gone from 26.5 BMI to around 23) but it doesn't seem to translate into real life. Stupid brain.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Sorry to change the subject but this thought has just sprung on me... as I'm sitting in bed gorging myself on biscuits as a method of avoiding work

    Spoiler:
    Show
    The photos from the comp last weekend of our squad are really interesting. In a few of them it's hard to tell where I am and if I don't look at my head/block my head out I look at my body and think that it's ok. But the second my head goes back into the equation, that's it, it's a fat person and it's hideous and not nice. :/ Hmm. I know over the last three years I've lost a fair bit of weight (gone from 26.5 BMI to around 23) but it doesn't seem to translate into real life. Stupid brain.
    Aw hun, I'm sorry you feel that way. But I think it's a good sign that you can see things objectively before the ED brain kicks in.
    I remember watching a doc about a ED treatment centre in the states where one therapy method shown was to ask the patient to draw a lifesize picture of themself on a huge piece of paper stuck on the wall. And then the therapist actually drew around them onto the picture so they could see exactly how out of line their ED body image was. Do you think doing something like that would be helpful?
    • #37
    #37

    studying eating disorders at the moment, every lesson and piece of work feels like a trigger. Have to keep reminding myself not to fall back :/
 
 
 
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