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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I want to first and foremost apologise for being so unhelpful in the thread as of late, but just recently I've been exceptionally down regarding things.

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    For example, I've not been having LOADS, but I've been having a few beers every night - maybe 2-4 bottles. Just as was mentioned previously, I only seem to feel a sense of liberation when I'm drunken. But I factor in those calories. But especially this past month I've been restricting again; I haven't taken beyond 1500 kcals per day. Even if I take say, 1000 kcals of food in, and up to 500 kcals of beer, I never break that total.

    The strangest thing has happened though. Even though technically this should take me into a calorific deficit I haven't changed weight at all, but I have been getting plumper. My T-shirts feel so tight on me. And just today, I met an aunt I haven't seen in ages and she kept saying over and over, "I can't believe the change in you, your face is so much rounder! Oh, you've filled out so much! I just can't believe how much weight you've gained! it's only been a month since I last saw you!" - even though my actual weight NUMERICALLY hasn't changed, has the alcohol, even on a deficit, fattened me?! Logic seems to be defied left right and centre, but the human body is not a logical creature.


    Much love to everyone. XX
    Okay, going to have to REALLY punch it in here, I mean it in the nicest way, but get your nutrients in other places apart from alcohol. Please. Alcohol will only act on your already weak liver. The liver is probably one of the most amazing organs in the body, being able to grow from a splinter and recovering in a matter of only 3 weeks, but it can only take so much.

    If I remember correctly your breakfasts tend to be something like a punnet of raspberries and a pot of 0% Greek Yoghurt? (Can't remember names of people, but I have phenomenal memory of traits). That would be 100 KCal and ~50 Kcal? (Judging from a 180g pot of Fage) How are you making up the remaining nutrients? That puts you at 9.8g of protein when you need 45g minimum. Do you have enough fat in your diet?

    I'm sorry if I seem over the top, but you need to recover. When recovering you can't go on and off the calorie plan, otherwise your metabolism gets permanently fudged afterwards.

    Alcohol doesn't metabolise the same as other calories, it gets absorbed quickly and excess alcohol calories are stored around the liver specifically (like fructose). This could damage an already fragile organ. Things can still crop up. Jaundice? Cirrhosis?

    I don't mean to be a total ********, but listen to yourself. You're telling us that you are getting 1/3rd of your daily calories from alcoholic beverages. Not good man. Not good.


    (Original post by cowsforsale)
    What do you guys do when all you can think about is food?
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    It happens at random moments too, at work, when I'm trying to study..etc I just can't help but drift off. Thing is it's always cereal - I'll eventually end up looking up deals, prices, different brand names three, four times a day (if you named a brand, I could probably tell you the price). It's really annoying too since cereal is undoubtedly one of my triggers. Every time I go grocery shopping, I have to force myself to not pick it up and this is ridiculously hard. Sometimes this means going round and round Tesco's, picking up boxes of Jordan's, muesli, Quaker's, you name it and then putting it down once I've seen some sense.

    It doesn't even have to be the ones overloaded with sugar too. I gave in today and bought a bag of muesli with no added sugar (because it was on offer and I was really craving crunchy cereal. I managed to wolf down half a pack of muesli today too - leading me to inevitably throw it up though.
    Write a list. It helps. I had this issue, I still do even. A list is probably the safest option at the moment. Plan what brand, plan how much.

    You can do it.
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    Write a list. It helps. I had this issue, I still do even. A list is probably the safest option at the moment. Plan what brand, plan how much.

    You can do it.
    Shopping list?
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I want to first and foremost apologise for being so unhelpful in the thread as of late, but just recently I've been exceptionally down regarding things.

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    Show
    For example, I've not been having LOADS, but I've been having a few beers every night - maybe 2-4 bottles. Just as was mentioned previously, I only seem to feel a sense of liberation when I'm drunken. But I factor in those calories. But especially this past month I've been restricting again; I haven't taken beyond 1500 kcals per day. Even if I take say, 1000 kcals of food in, and up to 500 kcals of beer, I never break that total.

    The strangest thing has happened though. Even though technically this should take me into a calorific deficit I haven't changed weight at all, but I have been getting plumper. My T-shirts feel so tight on me. And just today, I met an aunt I haven't seen in ages and she kept saying over and over, "I can't believe the change in you, your face is so much rounder! Oh, you've filled out so much! I just can't believe how much weight you've gained! it's only been a month since I last saw you!" - even though my actual weight NUMERICALLY hasn't changed, has the alcohol, even on a deficit, fattened me?! Logic seems to be defied left right and centre, but the human body is not a logical creature.


    Much love to everyone. XX
    Alcohol is made from sugar (fermented fruit) so that's why people get beer bellies. If you don't use the sugar, you put it on. It's also about how you get your calories, not just how many you have. x
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    This is quite long because I had time to think for once, but has anyone felt strangely positive after coming through a behaviour? I don't mean doing it obviously, I mean getting over it once it's done. Warning, numbers and pretty vivid, embarrassing really:
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    Been doing pretty well for myself lately in hindsight. Seeing my friends and being able to relax and really have a good time with them at the weekend was a real incentive to recover and a big FU to anxiety over whether they care or not. (I don't care if it's a loaded term and I'm still pre-ED according to the new therapist, this is making my life miserable for no reason and I want to get it back, wouldn't that be a reasonable definition of "recovery"?)
    I had noticed I'd been eating significantly less junk without getting too worked up about meals or portion sizes, because right now most times I eat it other than special occasions it's a reactive or emotional form of eating and doesn't make me happy because I'm not nearly mindful enough about how I eat it anymore. I realise junk can't bring me happiness in and of itself but it can fit into a healthy relationship with food which will only be attained through having a healthy relationship with myself.

    Well today, that goal's still a while off. I wouldn’t usually go into the minutiae of an incident but it serves a purpose this time. I’m using it as a staple to vow never to deliberately hurt myself again, come what may.
    I had a bad moment and fell into the trap of weighing myself in Boots (plus body comp)...not quite sure how at 6' I can be borderline underweight (58kg lean mass) and yet healthy weight at the same time (68.8kg=20.5BMI), either I'm "skinny-fat" (bad way to think about things) or haven't actually committed to weight restoration? Again annoying, I don't know whether I'd be better actively gaining (i.e. obsessing over meal plans again) or just forgetting about the whole thing. I should know my weight's gonna fluctuate like mad and I'm never gonna get healthy or "in shape" non-obsessively as long as I'm engaging in anything self-destructive. Healthy mnd before healthy body!
    Anyway, basing my life's worth on the scale and body fat meter is getting old.
    Tried to blame my cat being a pain in the arse for what the weigh-in and what followed after, something like 3000 cals in pure junk. I had been "triggered" into all-or-nothing by eating a leftover mince pie at breakfast. So yeah, spent 2 hours in town just wandering around on my own eating. I remember buying a Jumbo bag of Haribo, walking around with it, going into Costa, Starbucks etc. buying various muffins, a Danish and the like, realising I didn't have my Haribos at all and having to walk back to the shops to get them even though I was feeling sick and dizzy by this time-and ate the whole bag anyway almost on auto-pilot. The last bit was while listening to relaxing music in Shared Earth.
    The fact I can't remember what I'm doing and genuinely believed I was holding the Haribo is almost mroe scary than the binges themselves.
    Needless to say, afterwards wasn't pleasant. The last hour of my life was spent in FACT on a toilet seat. Felt like puking but couldn't, losing the will to live. I'm not sure if even 3000 cals in trans fats is enough to make your heart beat arrythmically, probably not, but I felt painfully ill. Then at some point it was as if a switch just flicked and I started fighting it, pulling myself up and fighting the urge to give in. 10 minutes later I felt strangely refreshed, the only reminder of the incident being a bit of queasiness in my mouth.
    That's not the lowest I've ever gone but I'm not really aiming to go that low again, certainly not in that context. I want to differentiate between "getting wrecked" on a social for good times (and I may just stay sober, might help) and getting physically and emotionally wrecked alone for my own self-inflicted misery. I'm begining to lovemyself, now I need to learn to trust myself again as well.

    Meant to go to the gym today as I haven't been since Friday (though still doing quite a bit of walking) but might need to take the day off after this little episode. Again, all too clearly healthy mind must precede a healthy body.

    Obviously prevention's better than the cure, and I've promised myself no matter what **** happens I'm not ending up like this again, but every time I pull myself back on my feet it helps me realise there is always time to turn things around and live the life you want to lead.
    As it happens I've just eben invited for an all-you-can eat Chinese with some friends on campus I haven't seen since Christmas. Ridiculously nervous about it (especially considering this morning) but I know now the solution isn't to wait until the perfect day but make the most of what you get. I don't even have to eat loads, just going and being with company's what counts.
    It also makes me wonder at the willpower and resilience of the human mind. Honestly, it feels like if I can overcome this and reprogram my mind to an entirely more helpful and supportive outlook on life, then a degree and any other life stressors that come my way will be a snap.

    Toto, the above probably isn't too helpful, but it seems we're in slightly similar situations (yours being the more immediately critical, remember!). I think you know deep down why drinking your calories could be a problem for you. Maybe me and the sweets is something to think about? Antiaris and Jazzykinks are absolutely right re: alcohol=sugar, possible organ damage too. Don't mean to be harsh, I hate to hear you're going through a rough patch, but please don't take it out on your liver!

    PRSOM Cinnie!`
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    Riku, I know exactly what you are talking about. There have been lots of times where I have had the intense, familiar urge to engage in damaging behaviours, but each time I challenge them (and I don't mean just distract myself while secretly feeling smug for not 'loosing my skinny self').. I feel like I as a person am changing and am becoming a little wiser. Although today you've had a really rough time, it's not a step backwards, because the outcome has changed. You have actually reflected on it and realised that you can actually resolve the situation by finding that massive inner strength inside you and going 'pah! I don't need to hurt my body right now, I can take a breather and I know that everything will be ok'

    :hugs:

    And Toto... I am really sad that you are living on a calorie deficit. You know you need to gain weight - you don't need to use restriction to prove that you have control over your life. You can't compare yourself to your low weight, it's just not an option. Help your body out - it's crying out for some food! You know this!

    :hugs:
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    Thanks guys. I've decided thanks to your kind advice I've laid off the sauce tonight and instead opted for tea and chocolate.

    I'm actually sitting watching Supersize Superskinny and the anorexic girl Emma from the last series has totally recovered, she looks amazing, I actually broke into a wee teary sob like a buffoon. In one year she's totally recovered and a healthy BMI and I'm so blurdy jealous!! X
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Thanks guys. I've decided thanks to your kind advice I've laid off the sauce tonight and instead opted for tea and chocolate.

    I'm actually sitting watching Supersize Superskinny and the anorexic girl Emma from the last series has totally recovered, she looks amazing, I actually broke into a wee teary sob like a buffoon. In one year she's totally recovered and a healthy BMI and I'm so blurdy jealous!! X
    I genuinely couldnt tell it was her until she opened her mouth. And you know what Toto, you CAN do that as well.
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    I couldn't believe Emma either. Amazing!!! She is such an inspiration
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Thanks guys. I've decided thanks to your kind advice I've laid off the sauce tonight and instead opted for tea and chocolate.

    I'm actually sitting watching Supersize Superskinny and the anorexic girl Emma from the last series has totally recovered, she looks amazing, I actually broke into a wee teary sob like a buffoon. In one year she's totally recovered and a healthy BMI and I'm so blurdy jealous!! X
    I have that lined up for later - In last weeks where they did the 'coming up' thing I saw a three second clip of her and was so amazed, she looks incredible!

    Told my counsellor about my issues with eating yesterday, first time I've ever told anyone let alone a professional. Scary biscuits
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    Hey guys
    so, still suffering from an eating disorder, ive decided that i at least want to get something good out of it so I have decided to raise money for the main eating disorders charity BEAT which some of you may or may not have heard of. I am doing a sponsored bike ride with my friends but we were hoping to use the boris bikes to save a lot of aggravation. However, this then minimises costs so we were hoping to get a sponsor to sponsor the use of the bikes and, in return, to get publicity. I don't, however, know who to approach. Any ideas???? Thanks
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    I'm sorry Cinnie, I couldn't handle it today. Assignment stress : /
    [spoiler]
    I was doing soo well on campus, but then Mum cooked a massive jacket potato with some cheese and beans. Really the cheese threw me a little I guess : S I was looking forward to it all the same but I was just so shattered and pretty hungry, I wanted to eat something right there and then so I could get straight on with this work but half an hour down the line it was practically frozen. Straight to the bread bin, then...

    I hate this. The worst part is I'm LOSING weight without even trying to. Admittedly I don't really want to eat all that much chocolate and cake because I'm such an emotional eater now and too much sugar can make it harder to gain weight (?) but I really am trying to eat.
    Tempted to get a mitigating circumstances note, this is worth 50% of the module


    Can someone tell me why my gums are bleeding?
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    (Original post by Riku)
    I'm sorry Cinnie, I couldn't handle it today. Assignment stress : /
    [spoiler]
    I was doing soo well on campus, but then Mum cooked a massive jacket potato with some cheese and beans. Really the cheese threw me a little I guess : S I was looking forward to it all the same but I was just so shattered and pretty hungry, I wanted to eat something right there and then so I could get straight on with this work but half an hour down the line it was practically frozen. Straight to the bread bin, then...

    I hate this. The worst part is I'm LOSING weight without even trying to. Admittedly I don't really want to eat all that much chocolate and cake because I'm such an emotional eater now and too much sugar can make it harder to gain weight (?) but I really am trying to eat.
    Tempted to get a mitigating circumstances note, this is worth 50% of the module


    Can someone tell me why my gums are bleeding?
    Lack of Vitamin C/K? Fruit are the best sources of C, especially citrus fruits like oranges. Green leafy veg and broccoli are good sources of K. There could be other reasons like over-brushing your teeth but that's the most likely dietary one. Hope this helps (I normally just lurk here)
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    (Original post by SpamBa)
    Lack of Vitamin C/K? Fruit are the best sources of C, especially citrus fruits like oranges. Green leafy veg and broccoli are good sources of K. There could be other reasons like over-brushing your teeth but that's the most likely dietary one. Hope this helps (I normally just lurk here)
    I had a bowl of spinach before the binge, oranges at breakfast, broccoli yesterday :confused: maybe I'm over-thinking it again. I do that with everything. Bit melodramatic too, ah well. Thanks anyway
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    (Original post by Riku)
    I'm sorry Cinnie, I couldn't handle it today. Assignment stress : /
    [spoiler]
    I was doing soo well on campus, but then Mum cooked a massive jacket potato with some cheese and beans. Really the cheese threw me a little I guess : S I was looking forward to it all the same but I was just so shattered and pretty hungry, I wanted to eat something right there and then so I could get straight on with this work but half an hour down the line it was practically frozen. Straight to the bread bin, then...

    I hate this. The worst part is I'm LOSING weight without even trying to. Admittedly I don't really want to eat all that much chocolate and cake because I'm such an emotional eater now and too much sugar can make it harder to gain weight (?) but I really am trying to eat.
    Tempted to get a mitigating circumstances note, this is worth 50% of the module


    Can someone tell me why my gums are bleeding?
    Have you... bleurghed recently?

    How much sugar have you been eating as of late?

    Both could cause gum damage. If you've been sick recently the acid would damage your mouth. - Answer - Time will heal.

    If you've been eating too much sugar recently it could cause an increase in bacteria in your mouth and gum problems. - Answer - Mouth Wash, floss and full dental pow.

    If you brush too hard you could get gum problems. - Answer - Use a 'soft' toothbrush.

    Whilst SpamBa does have a point, the point at which gums bleed with scurvy is quite late set. You only need a TINY amount of vitamin C to not get scurvy so I doubt it would have been any nutrient deficiency that would have caused it.

    I've had issues with the top and bottom kinda. The top one the dentist said my teeth were fine but my mouth looked like I had chemical damage. The last one I kinda got OCD about brushing hard, so my gums bled.

    Hope this helps.
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    Have you... bleurghed recently?

    How much sugar have you been eating as of late?

    Both could cause gum damage. If you've been sick recently the acid would damage your mouth. - Answer - Time will heal.

    If you've been eating too much sugar recently it could cause an increase in bacteria in your mouth and gum problems. - Answer - Mouth Wash, floss and full dental pow.

    If you brush too hard you could get gum problems. - Answer - Use a 'soft' toothbrush.

    Whilst SpamBa does have a point, the point at which gums bleed with scurvy is quite late set. You only need a TINY amount of vitamin C to not get scurvy so I doubt it would have been any nutrient deficiency that would have caused it.

    I've had issues with the top and bottom kinda. The top one the dentist said my teeth were fine but my mouth looked like I had chemical damage. The last one I kinda got OCD about brushing hard, so my gums bled.

    Hope this helps.
    Despite everything, not once from a behaviour no-I've had a bad urge to before but it's never come and I try to take that as a good sign.
    Ummm, let's not go there with sugar...the incident on Tuesday kinda sums that one up.
    I'll give the mouth wash and dental floss a go if it persists. Thanks man
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    Therapist at the ED clinic is on to something huge:
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    Right, I'm a little confused by how this is possible but even though many of my thoughts are disordered and I have disordered eating behaviours, I don't have an eating disorder. I am basically your textbook dieter but with the teeny extra detail of profound, severe and unhelpful, unrealistic health anxiety, which is leaving me at risk. Not to say he's writing me off, I think he's actually trying to stop this getting any worse than it already is.
    He said because my disordered cognitions come second to the anxiety I can't be diagnosed with even EDNOS...but couldn't that just be because I researched and experienced and found out food isn't the problem but just a symptom and am working on the real issues? He's really got me for one here.
    Anyway this is what I've surmised from what he said:
    i) My weight isn't a risk-but I don't think he's ignorant to the fact weight isn't everything. I've lost a fair bit, but not enough to justify a deliberate weight-gain diet. Most likely I'm losing from stressing everything off, and in fact the process of forcing weight gain upon myself just makes me more anxious, making me lose again. The whole "can't breathe" feeling is just the anxiety, especially the fact I'm still not entirely used to this body. The same with the whole "skinny-fat"/"must lose/must gain" thing-he won't call it a body image disorder because labels don't help but obviously I don't see or feel my body the way others do. I need to let go of the focus on weight ENTIRELY if I'm ever going to fully recover-in both ever-contradictory ways. Which I kinda knew.
    ii) What I eat is fine, better than fine. Even the "binges" (more like emotional, sometimes extreme overeating) aren't a threat right now, the "worst" thing I'd have to worry abut is gaining a lot and causing health problems months or years down the line. Apparently 3000 calories of junk does not equal a trans-fat heart attack, it's more like 30 trillion over the course of a lifetime. That means having cake or a sweet every day isn't going to significantly adverse health, something I'd been led to believe is a recipe for it.
    (And ugh, obesity-started thinking if you had a 250-cal snack every day, you'd put on a pound a fortnight...and I don't know whether this is a disordered thought or on the contrary bloody obvious since I've struggled with my weight and body image since I can remember?
    But then I do lurk on fitness, lifestyle and bodybuilding forums too so they're bound to be a bit obsessive. Dear God why do I even care.)

    iii) Generally speaking I could afford to eat more but I'm fine doing as I am, it's better if I get used to intuitive and mindful eating again. I think I eat more than I need consistently, soemtimes this is true from voracious emotional eating but most of the time it's the fear of gaining. I have this thing about getting "the full feeling" after eating because without it it suggests I wasn't hungry in the first place and I voerate, but I rarely get that these days and therefore get unnecssary guilt. Could it be as simple as my digestive system being shut down half the time from being in cosntant fight-or-flight?
    (But again, I'm perplexed. I admit to fearing weight gain but accept it's for the best and want a life beyond the scale/callipers and measuring tape. It took me a long time to accept that, but because I have and aren't actively losing/starving, no diagnosis.)

    iv) I have a remarkable ability to procrastinate in therapy and ask a million questions abut what's healthy and what's not and whether it was OK to eat this or that or what this number or article means and the fact is it's diverting away from the real problems. It's got better but I had it bad and still get the urge to do that, to reassure myself. But this guy's having none of it.
    Incidentally, he's not once heard of anyone dying of potassium overdose except for some very unfortunate diabetics. Most of the time it's people running a K deficiency from not enough fruit'n'veggies, that part i knew already so no problems there.

    v) This is the hard one, hard because it feels somehow true-it sounds like I hate what I do and it terrifies me and puts me down and obviously I'm not trying to belittle any of your more serious situations. BUT I subconsciously like it at the same time and I get something out of it, whether that's a buzz for myself or some comfort from others. Not quite as simple or thoughtless as the attention-seeker cliche but it's along those lines. I even admitted to binging the other day from a degree of boredom and not wanting to do my essay or go to class.
    Yet I honestly don't know where this whole cba mood/shirking responsibility has come from. I think it's because I've held very rigid and extreme perfectionist tendencies, had them challenged in CBT and my perception of the world turned upside down so I don't want to be a control freak anymore, but now it feels like I've lost almost all of my ethic and drive. Still trying to find my purpose again, what to do in life-at the moment I think maybe I should just do, well, being alive? That sounds like a good plan.



    All this sadly means sometime in the imminent future I'm going to have to leave here because I'll forever be trying to label myself with something which reinforces my anxiety otherwise. Scary times.
    I don't think I'm gonna leave just yet. Frankly I don't feel ready.
    Thanks for listening. x
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    (Original post by Riku)
    x
    Just a few thoughts:

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    From what you say (and from what you've written in the past), it sounds like your therapist has a point and is understanding you well. The biggest problem for you (objectively, subjectively it may not feel that way!) seems to be the intense anxiety that you experience if you feel like you've 'binged' or eating something 'unhealthy', even if those things logically are 'healthy' for the majority of people eating a healthy and balanced diet, if that makes sense? So your health anxiety seems to be manifesting itself in food and eating and thus leading to eating disordered behaviours, in a way? Either way, it is still an issue with food for you, and whatever the diagnosis is, it seems that food (and/or health anxiety) concerns are a way of controlling/dealing with/avoiding the deeper issues you're having.

    As you say, what you eat is absolutely fine, and to most people would be considered a very healthy diet. And your point about the 250-cal snack every day...well, technically yes, if you had a 250-cal snack *over the number of calories needed to maintain a certain weight* every day, then you would put on a pound a fortnight (give or take, obviously not a case of 'you will definitely put on said amount of weight). But in reality it's not that simple. Because in reality, sometimes people have days where they will eat more than they usually would, or more unhealthily than they usually do, and other days people don't feel hungry, or are busy and eat less, or for whatever reason eat under the amount they usually should, and it all evens out on the whole. Especially when exercise is taken into account also, even just with everyday movement, daily routines, exercise and all that, somedays people burn a lot more than other days and it all balances out to maintain a stable weight on the whole. And especially when you also bear in mind how much weight will fluctuate anyway!

    I don't think it sounds awful if you subconsciously like parts of what you're doing. I think it's a very common thought (even if not often stated), because like you said, you do get something out of it. And so do the majority of people who fall into eating disordered thoughts. If we didn't get anything from doing it, it wouldn't become a habit in the first place. For some it is the reassurance, for some it is a control thing, for some it is the attention it can bring (not in a bad way, but even just that sense of 'I can't cope, I need help, I'm struggling').

    For me, part of it is that sense of 'I want to challenge myself'. Like I always want to prove to myself that I can do something, that I can put myself through a challenge and achieve something. It's just that for me I tend to fall into unhealthy 'challenges', so part of coping for me is learning to set myself a positive challenge, something hard to work towards and put my energy into in a good way. Maybe in the future that's something you can think of, something you'd like to achieve and put your focus into in a healthy way? (Not saying straight away obviously, because there's no point pushing yourself so hard you make yourself anxious or fall into 'safety' behaviours, but even just a small challenge).

    So yes, this is ridiculously long, but just so you know your post was read and hopefully this will help even just a tiny bit if you manage to get through it all!

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    It's a weird thing indeed.

    In some ways the body is like a machine; Daily calorie intake can be compared to a bank balance, with daily direct debits coming out. If you use too much (exercise too much) you go into your "overdraft" and lose weight. If you deposit a little extra in, tomorrow morning there'll be a bit extra still in your account.

    But the thing is, it's not as cut-and-dry as that. Not quite as simple. For example, if I ate nothing but an apple all day, then ate an entire Dominos Pizza a minute before bed, the scales might not reflect the mean/average (or "real") weight.

    I used to look at weight as a set of checkpoints - daily milestones. As in, as soon as midnight hit, in a Cinderella-like fashion everything would revert back to the start, zero in, zero out. Then I could begin the count again. In reality it's more like a flowing river - constantly moving, constantly changing - if you were to tip grains into it, they would slowly dissolve and dissipate, they wouldn't remain there as a statistic to be counted.

    I'm sorry about all the metaphors, but I tend to see life rather artistically; what I'm trying to say is, sometimes logic isn't everything. Our bodies have mechanical functions, but we are not machines.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    It's a weird thing indeed.

    In some ways the body is like a machine; Daily calorie intake can be compared to a bank balance, with daily direct debits coming out. If you use too much (exercise too much) you go into your "overdraft" and lose weight. If you deposit a little extra in, tomorrow morning there'll be a bit extra still in your account.

    But the thing is, it's not as cut-and-dry as that. Not quite as simple. For example, if I ate nothing but an apple all day, then ate an entire Dominos Pizza a minute before bed, the scales might not reflect the mean/average (or "real") weight.

    I used to look at weight as a set of checkpoints - daily milestones. As in, as soon as midnight hit, in a Cinderella-like fashion everything would revert back to the start, zero in, zero out. Then I could begin the count again. In reality it's more like a flowing river - constantly moving, constantly changing - if you were to tip grains into it, they would slowly dissolve and dissipate, they wouldn't remain there as a statistic to be counted.

    I'm sorry about all the metaphors, but I tend to see life rather artistically; what I'm trying to say is, sometimes logic isn't everything. Our bodies have mechanical functions, but we are not machines.
    What do you do to try and stop counting calories?

    I know this may sound bad, but your main issue seems to be over preoccupation with calories, not eating itself. You think of food in an emotional and a technical way, but not really anything else. Food IS something else. It is those things, the food of your childhood and minor macronutrients towards a total, but it's also habit/need/biological/logical, etc.

    When thinking about food stop thinking about what it means. Think about what you do with it. Not it's effect. Think of it in the present and don't preoccupy with it's future effects. Take life day by day.

    Slow down. Stop. Breathe. Notice the world around you. Not what it all means but what it is.

    Feel the air on your skin? That's air particles touching you. The air is part of the earth. A speck in the milky way. Another speck in the galaxy. A speck in the universe. And you are part of it. You are the universe experiencing itself. A number of possibilities existing in this cosmos, but they haven't happened yet. They may not happen. Don't think about them. Just think about the universe experiencing itself and this exact given moment.

    Toto. We care about you and want you to get better. You know what you want, but how much do you know what you are? As in, exactly, do you understand yourself?

    Sorry if this whole thing I just posted was kinda weird, but what the hey.
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    Antiaris, the issue for me now is that since I started recovery, there has been a distinct dichotomy of mentalities. For one, I am unable to "unlearn" the numerical values of foods and drinks. Unfortunately the stage of recovery I'm at, I still HAVE to focus on taking in a certain number every day. But I am beginning to appreciate foods and drinks for the entities, memories and properties they possess outwith their numerical values.

    "I fancy a milkshake" - I now think this. I would love to SOLELY think this, but as I have to keep a strict numerical food diary to ENSURE a minimum caloric intake per day, I still have to say "I fancy a milkshake. A milkshake is 400."

    In an ideal world I would snip the two apart for good; but at this stage, frustratingly, I'm not allowed to (we tried initially before, but I was inadvertently self-sabotaging by overestimating and I inevitably lost a little bit of weight. It wasn't intentional, call it a force of habit).
 
 
 
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