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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. Watch

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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Philosophy and Italian, but I'm changing to FCH Modern Languages this coming year because Philosophy is stressy!
    I'm sorry for being harsh but he probably will. At the end of the day, guys do like confident, independent girls and there will come a point when he gives up. Even my family pretty much gave up on me in the end. I know my boyfriend would leave me if I ever had a relapse -- it's just too much for someone to face, especially if they love that person. I mean, think about what it's doing to your man. He probably wants to do so many cute things like go for a meal, go bowling, theme parks etc. with you -- stuff couples do -- but can't because he's scared about your health.
    Haha you can't do a lot, trust me! No travelling, no driving. Some gyms won't let you get membership until your BMI is at least 18.5. You can't really drink either because it will really damage your insides.
    Yes, normal isn't achievable, but just being like everyone else is. And it's the best feeling in the world. Honestly, my girls just being like 'Jaz, fancy going out for dinner for a catch up?' and me not trying to calculate the calories in the meal and being able to order a main, wine and dessert feels like heaven. And they don't have to worry any more. No one does.
    Awww thanks sweetie x
    Awesome! Are you going to pick up another language then?
    Thank you for telling me all this, I really needed to hear it. Ruining my life in ways I hadn't even considered. Maybe scaring me into recovery will work! :lol: Plus, I think this all started off as a way for me to be 'perfect' and I realise that it's actually taking me further away. You know what they say, will power is a muscle so I must start exercising it in a more healthy way.

    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    E, atleast you've got a boyfriend.
    I know, and I should really appreciate him more. I didn't even try to get one though, it just happened! It does add another layer of pressure in my defence - insecurity about how I look naked etc. Like hell is he going to see that when I am so unhappy with it :lol: Although he can pick me up annoyingly easily. Once we were in the park and he threatened to drop me in the pool >.<
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    (Original post by Etoile)
    Awesome! Are you going to pick up another language then?
    Thank you for telling me all this, I really needed to hear it. Ruining my life in ways I hadn't even considered. Maybe scaring me into recovery will work! :lol: Plus, I think this all started off as a way for me to be 'perfect' and I realise that it's actually taking me further away. You know what they say, will power is a muscle so I must start exercising it in a more healthy way.



    I know, and I should really appreciate him more. I didn't even try to get one though, it just happened! It does add another layer of pressure in my defence - insecurity about how I look naked etc. Like hell is he going to see that when I am so unhappy with it :lol: Although he can pick me up annoyingly easily. Once we were in the park and he threatened to drop me in the pool >.<
    Both my male friends can do that, and I'm not exactly light. They suspending me upside down so they can watch me scream and demand them to 'Put me down. NOW!'
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    (Original post by Etoile)
    Awesome! Are you going to pick up another language then?
    Thank you for telling me all this, I really needed to hear it. Ruining my life in ways I hadn't even considered. Maybe scaring me into recovery will work! :lol: Plus, I think this all started off as a way for me to be 'perfect' and I realise that it's actually taking me further away. You know what they say, will power is a muscle so I must start exercising it in a more healthy way.
    Well, if I change to FCH Modern Languages, I'll have to do 2 more, so I'll essentially be doing Italian, Spanish and Portuguese. Going to sort all this out next term though!

    It's a devastating illness. I don't think people really realise how much damage it does, not just to the person suffering but their friends, family and parter too. It starts off as something harmless and then becomes an obsession. Perfection can never be achieved. The hardest, but most rewarding thing, you could ever do is learn to accept yourself. I didn't think I would ever achieve it, but I have and life is so much better now. I'm not perfect. I would change a million things if I could. But I can't. So I just accept x
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    One day I'll learn not to watch supersize vs superskinny because all the food stuff puts me on edge.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    One day I'll learn not to watch supersize vs superskinny because all the food stuff puts me on edge.
    Know what you mean :/ it's weird just getting some sort of sick enjoyment out of seeing how much the supersizers eat, it's like it makes you feel like you're achieving something by the amount of self-control you have compared to them. Grr.
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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    Know what you mean :/ it's weird just getting some sort of sick enjoyment out of seeing how much the supersizers eat, it's like it makes you feel like you're achieving something by the amount of self-control you have compared to them. Grr.
    its not necessaily that, more the fact I can imagine me eating all that food/ just seeing all that food puts me on edge.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    Both my male friends can do that, and I'm not exactly light. They suspending me upside down so they can watch me scream and demand them to 'Put me down. NOW!'
    Nor are you heavy! Upside down :lolwut: Maybe they have a thing for you!
    Boyfriend has discovered how much I hate milk (not even an ED thing, just a me thing :lol:) and says he will take me to a spa and forcibly give me a milk bath :wtf:

    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Well, if I change to FCH Modern Languages, I'll have to do 2 more, so I'll essentially be doing Italian, Spanish and Portuguese. Going to sort all this out next term though!

    It's a devastating illness. I don't think people really realise how much damage it does, not just to the person suffering but their friends, family and parter too. It starts off as something harmless and then becomes an obsession. Perfection can never be achieved. The hardest, but most rewarding thing, you could ever do is learn to accept yourself. I didn't think I would ever achieve it, but I have and life is so much better now. I'm not perfect. I would change a million things if I could. But I can't. So I just accept x
    Oooh awesome! My uncle speaks Portuguese and it sounds so nice
    That pretty much sums it up. People keep commenting that I have been distant lately That's such a great way to live your life!
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    (Original post by Etoile)
    Nor are you heavy! Upside down :lolwut: Maybe they have a thing for you!
    Boyfriend has discovered how much I hate milk (not even an ED thing, just a me thing :lol:) and says he will take me to a spa and forcibly give me a milk bath :wtf:
    Not a massive fan of cows milk either. if i'm stressed it kaes me feel sick, and if i have too much dairy stuff, I'm all phlegmy. not great when you've got a concert coming up! Soy milk on the other hand. <3 the stuff because it doesnt make me feel tired.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    Not a massive fan of cows milk either. if i'm stressed it kaes me feel sick, and if i have too much dairy stuff, I'm all phlegmy. not great when you've got a concert coming up! Soy milk on the other hand. <3 the stuff because it doesnt make me feel tired.
    Are you allergic then? And also are you okay, re what you were saying before?
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    (Original post by Etoile)
    Are you allergic then? And also are you okay, re what you were saying before?
    Not allergic afaik.
    as in being triggered? I'm alright. still eating. Promise. On the verge of pulling my hair out over this essay I'm writing, however
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    Not allergic afaik.
    as in being triggered? I'm alright. still eating. Promise. On the verge of pulling my hair out over this essay I'm writing, however
    :console:
    I meant what you said about not sleeping well, but that too. What's the essay?
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    (Original post by Etoile)
    :console:
    I meant what you said about not sleeping well, but that too. What's the essay?
    OOoh. I'm still waking up at silly times during the night. ''Inwiefern betrachten Sie den von Ihnen gewählten geschichtlichen Zeitraum als erfolgreich?''
    I've got 600 words but don't feel its long enough, probably because i normally handwrite them, and this ones typed. :/ I need to look up when the first set of actual free elections were in the GDR. and the whole ,mauer im Kopf' thing.
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    Stuck inside (never helps, I hate it) and sitting next to my brother right now. An hour ago I was thinking I hate him, because he took the last of the bread, which emant I couldn't even fall back on an on toast and had to have cheese and crackers instead. Last time I had them I cried from the fear. Alas, I went silly from stress and now I'm on the comedown from sugar, feel completely drained yet again and my mind's seeing the world very strangely...(his Star Wars soundtrack in the background just about keeping me awake. John Williams is superb).
    It's not his fault really, though, is it? He didn't hold me at gunpoint and say "BINGE, NOW". And just because I'm housebound doesn't mean I have to make myself ill. It's mine, and the fact I refused to adapt when I know I'm setting myself up to fail with perfectionism. It's only bloody cheese and crackers, it's not even that bad for you (went well with the apple and chutney even...might've been afraid to have it but somewhere deep down it was kinda scrumptious!)
    Same thing with exercise-I'm beating msyelf up too much for only hitting X speed on the treadmill, for example. (I'm going pretty slow, to be honest. I hate being unfit.) It's like I should be going quicker than that, there's still some sort of moral imperative for me to be pnhysically fit.
    Had to explain to him to ignore me when this happens. I'm finding being unable to talk to anyone except my therapist pretty damn hard. Terrifying, even; I'm not seeing her until after Easter. I wanna go to the docs and get my bloods checked. But the ED Services have even said, I'm fine, I'm not at risk, no doctor for me. It's extreme but I'm finding it means I get on with things and stop just making msyelf out to be a victim. Gotta say I don't like it. I want, might even need the safety net. Grrr
    I'm really tempted to try and cut sugar entirely for now, possibly forever, to stop having self-induced anxiety, given all the research suggesting it to every physical and mental health problem under the sun, but that might be taking the easy road out. I want to be able to enjoy food again, not be afraid of it-any of it, ever. I want to be able to eat Christmas pud for breakfast one day just because I fancied it, to have Dominos 2 for Tuesdays with mates or say actually, I'd rather have a bowl of Coco Pops; a truly open and unconditional relationship. I also want to be able to have a messy night, as in if I choose not to drink it's because of personal ethic not because I'm scared to be drunk or hungover.
    Is it normal to hit a point where you're just sick of eating? Not even from the "I'll only eat because I'm recovering" aspect, just after it bores you and you want a fuller life than that? Because that's basically happened to me. It's all just-bland. This isn't me at all. I love food! And yet strangely my life is getting fuller and more meaningful by the minute-least on the days when this doesn't happen. Was food only interesting because I was depressed, and everything else was too scary so I could turn that into a passion instead? Or do I now hate it because I'm so used to using it all against me, even if I pretend to myself it's for me? Can't we have both?
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    (Original post by Riku)
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    Remember that you can't be the master of everything in your life. Most of us only have one or two hobbies/professions/interests that we really go full pelt at and become the master of. Your mind will go into overdrive if you try and be amazing at running, recovering, re-learning how to be around food and yourself, re-building relationships. That's why most of us who persue sporty things will never get to X speed. Not because we can't, not because we've failed, but because that's not the reason we're there. Sugar isn't causing you anxiety - it's not the enemy your paranoia is. Having less sugar until you've figured it out may not be a bad thing, but cutting it out forever is completely unrealistic.
    It's very normal to have times where you're bored of eating - just like any other everyday thing in your life such as how long you sleep for, how much you exercise, how much time you spend watching the birds out of your window. It will always be changing like everything in life dont you think?
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    Boyfriend just broke up with me, as predicted. He said it was because it was too hard to care for someone who didn't care for themself...
    Shame he never asked how I was. Since that post 2 days ago I've really tried to eat and managed a slightly more human figure, and I haven't cut in two weeks. C'est la vie.
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    (Original post by Etoile)
    Boyfriend just broke up with me, as predicted. He said it was because it was too hard to care for someone who didn't care for themself...
    Shame he never asked how I was. Since that post 2 days ago I've really tried to eat and managed a slightly more human figure, and I haven't cut in two weeks. C'est la vie.
    urgh. Men. -hugging- Please,please,please don't take this as a reason to eat even less than normal/ go a bit razor happy. cos you're too lovely for that.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    urgh. Men. -hugging- Please,please,please don't take this as a reason to eat even less than normal/ go a bit razor happy. cos you're too lovely for that.
    Indeed. :lol: But why? One person who I thought wanted me alive isn't actually that bothered. So it brings my total of people who care about me to 1. And that's what everyone's going to assume, that it's because of him! So now nobody can definitely find out about my ED/SI/general depression because they're even more likely to blow it off/call me attention seeking. I'm not even particularly sad tbh, it's one less layer of pressure, one less person I'm disappointing to. But just fml for how everyone's going to react.
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    (Original post by Etoile)
    Indeed. :lol: But why? One person who I thought wanted me alive isn't actually that bothered. So it brings my total of people who care about me to 1. And that's what everyone's going to assume, that it's because of him! So now nobody can definitely find out about my ED/SI/general depression because they're even more likely to blow it off/call me attention seeking. I'm not even particularly sad tbh, it's one less layer of pressure, one less person I'm disappointing to. But just fml for how everyone's going to react.
    because eating even less isnt going to do your innards any good/ probably render you completely infertile or somesuch. and cutting ****ing hurts when you do it/ get soap/shampoo in it/ sweat/ realise what the hell you've done and you're got PE tomorrow. then you spend the next three weeks desparately trying not to show your arms where you've made a mess of them/ bruised the **** out of them because you've been pulling at the skin. AND I LIKE YOU TOO MUCH AS A PERSON. OKAY?
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    because eating even less isnt going to do your innards any good/ probably render you completely infertile or somesuch. and cutting ****ing hurts when you do it/ get soap/shampoo in it/ sweat/ realise what the hell you've done and you're got PE tomorrow. then you spend the next three weeks desparately trying not to show your arms where you've made a mess of them/ bruised the **** out of them because you've been pulling at the skin. AND I LIKE YOU TOO MUCH AS A PERSON. OKAY?
    I probably am anyway, and the pain is kind of the point. Plus no PE for me any more :woo: Although don't worry! I realised how unhappy I am with my life yesterday morning, before this happened, and resolved to change as much as possible of it. So today I'm actually pretty happy, because I've made a list and I'm hoping things are going to improve pretty soon. In fact, my relationship was one of the things making me unhappy but I'm terrible at leaving people because I'm such a people pleaser and I hate hurting people's feelings. SO, for me I am now growing my hair, going to RECOVER, get HEALTHY, spend time with my family, paint my bedroom etc.
    I LIKE YOU TOO SO ALSO BE GOOD(:
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    (Original post by Etoile)
    I probably am anyway, and the pain is kind of the point. Plus no PE for me any more :woo: Although don't worry! I realised how unhappy I am with my life yesterday morning, before this happened, and resolved to change as much as possible of it. So today I'm actually pretty happy, because I've made a list and I'm hoping things are going to improve pretty soon. In fact, my relationship was one of the things making me unhappy but I'm terrible at leaving people because I'm such a people pleaser and I hate hurting people's feelings. SO, for me I am now growing my hair, going to RECOVER, get HEALTHY, spend time with my family, paint my bedroom etc.
    I LIKE YOU TOO SO ALSO BE GOOD(:
    I've done the reverse, I've cut it. Its awesome. I'm tryinggg.
 
 
 
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