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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    Hi all

    I'm here! At the Fat Farm . .

    God it's been hard. But very reassuring too... They are taking things VERY slowly with me. Right now I'm on 24hr obs (ick), showers sitting down (ick, and supervised), bed rest. Allowed onto balcony to smoke in wheelchair. At the moment I'm on 500 calories of liquids. This is meant to be being reviewed soon though - I've been told I'll probably next be put on half-sandwiches for meals etc and stay on that a while. Apparently because of how disturbed my eating has been I am at very high medical risk.

    I didn't have my electricals yesterday but got my computer back today which has really helped my mood. I had 3 sobbing fits earlier - once when I was weighed and measured (I've shrunk a cm which means my BMI this morning was 13.1 instead of 12.9, Toto you will relate to the 'weight cap' thing only this is a BMI one...), once when I had breakfast (200ml semi-skim milk) and once when in the shower on the chair with my thighs spread out and belly overhang (I'd thought to bring a bikini at least).

    I've met some of the other patients who seem really nice, they've popped into my room to say hi and invite me out for smokes, which has been .

    I managed yesterday without puking and am going to do the same today and the same tomorrow. Tbh the constant supervision is really helping with that; even though my bathroom was locked on my previous admission to an EDU I found all manner of receptacles to puke into...

    I brought my offer letter from Reading with me .
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    Oh custard. Sweetheart, you're breaking my heart here hearing this. It makes me appreciate how far into an ED you can be sucked, and whereas I've been ravaged by it, you're far deeper than I ever was.

    I thought my 15.5 BMI (currently) was dire; on the "Rainbow Chart" I'm still "Severe Anorexia Nervosa" territory, but just on the cusp of where they're monitoring my organs for damage constantly. I'm personally lucky that in just over one month I've gained almost 2kg, off my own back (no admissions to refeed clinics)- they said it would be FAR more in the hospital as an in-patient, but I'd rather do this recovery in a way that's not being FORCED, but to do it for myself. To not trick or deceive myself.

    But you - custard hon - forgive me if I'm misconstruing your upbeat humour, but you almost seem to be revelling in how ill you've become with your jovial terminology. Perhaps I've taken it completely the wrong way and you're putting on a brave face for us. But know we're all here for you. Physically, you are literally UNABLE to have "overhang" at this point. Your body is miniscule. Tiny. But me telling you this will ultimately cause that conflicting "I kinda like that sentiment, even though I am actually ill" feeling we as anorexics get.

    Today my gran kept saying "Oh, you look better in the face today. Bill, doesn't he look better in the face? Oh, so much better in the face, Thomas."

    I went home and cried like a moron.

    We are on different rungs of the same ladder and despite the fact we are both recovering, one on the outside and one on the inside, the irrational dysmorphia we feel is a familiar one. Am I chubby? You've seen my recent picture. Am I fat? Everyone I ask says "Ah helllll nah!" with such disdain for the question you'd think I'd just shot their dog. But when I see it, I see that "better in the face" as "damn, my face IS pretty round. Chubby, even. Yeah, round and fatty." And you scrutinise it to the last millimetre. However when I see your pictures, I actually said out loud, "oh that poor lassie." I was on my own, but it hit me so hard how frail you looked, that it was my immediate response. And to you, I bet you do the same "picture scrutiny" and rip yourself to pieces.

    I still claw at my stomach skin, pinching inches. But I HAVE to understand that my body, until it is a BMI of at LEAST 19, is unhealthy. And at this stage, it is literally eating itself. And if I'm 15.5, and you're 13, and MY situation is this dire - you should try to gain some perspective from that m'dear.

    Post again soon. XXX
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    (Original post by Aemiliana)
    Wow, that was pretty ****. I hate doctors that are too easy to convince that you're okay but I guess that they know it needs your dedication to work :dontknow:

    That's a good idea, she'll probably refer you to someone with more expertise.

    ---

    Also, just a note to anyone who thinks that because they're X weight, they won't be taken seriously: by the time I finally sought help, I was a totally healthy weight but when I told my family doctor, I'd never seen him look so concerned. They will take you seriously.
    i feel so **** about my weight, my bmi is in the 17s which just makes me feel like i'm such a failure at dieting. after today i kind of feel like carrying on doing what i'm doing i just want the numbers to go down!! i feel all perky today knowing that i'm in control again and i can prove to myself how strong i am.
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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    Totally in this position right now. There's me thinking I was 'recovered' and I'm right back to square one, at just the time when I really don't need to be dealing with it. Ugh.
    i know its not fun. this isn't advice but ive decided just to go along with the ideas in my head about food because not fighting it is one less problem
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    i feel so **** about my weight, my bmi is in the 17s which just makes me feel like i'm such a failure at dieting. after today i kind of feel like carrying on doing what i'm doing i just want the numbers to go down!! i feel all perky today knowing that i'm in control again and i can prove to myself how strong i am.
    Pretty sure all of us can totally empathise with this, but please, please remember that feeling on day 3 of eating absolutely nothing - when you feel lethargic and grumpy and all you want to do is sleep. And right now you really can't afford to spend a day doing nothing productive (v. hypocritical of me to say that, I spent most of yesterday asleep, but I do recognise that that's wrong!)

    Try to list the food you're going to eat at the BEGINNING of the day - even if they're all safe, empty foods, it's better than nothing - and then stick to it, even if you don't feel like it. That way, you're still in control, you can still refuse other food to prove that, put you're not running on empty. :hugs:
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    i had a panic attack earlier at the prospect of not eating but being forced to mentally by the parents/ don't ask.
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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    Totally in this position right now. There's me thinking I was 'recovered' and I'm right back to square one, at just the time when I really don't need to be dealing with it. Ugh.
    :yes: Except I never thought I was recovered, I *sort of* knew I wasn't eating enough, it's just nothing happened to my weight. :rolleyes:

    I just really hate myself right now. I can't revise. I've tried for hours. I'm probably not going to get into UEA because I'm ****** stupid and I don't even know how I got in in the first place when I can't write. I hate these effing mood swings and the way I can feel my body and how heavy I am when I walk. I know this isn't very pro recovery or whatever and I'm so sorry but I've had enough. I have no right to eat, not when I'm so obscenely disgusting and horrible and selfish. I don't understand how I ended up having to gain weight in the first place. I don't care what anyone says, I wasn't dying. I was FINE. They were just blowing everything out of proportion. I'm disgusting and there's nothing wrong with MY eyes. There's something wrong with everyone else. I just spent an hour in the kitchen making a pie I'm not even going to eat and I don't know why. I should be revising but I keep staring at the page. The only thing I can think about is how much this hurts and how I can't even speak to anyone. When people- people I'm close to- ask how I am 'I'm fine' comes out of my mouth without thinking. They don't really want to hear the real answer anyway. Sometimes I wonder how it would sound if I said how I actually feel. I just want to disappear. Everyone left me alone when I was visibly ill. Now I'm still alone but I'm not the one pushing people away. Nobody wants to be near me which hurts more. I'm not close to my friends anymore, I can't relate to people. I try so hard to smile and pretend to be normal but I just can't do it. I just hate myself so much. I can't escape myself but at least I feel better, more normal, more confident when I'm at a lower weight. And at least when I was physically ill I was controlling my fate. It was ok if I was suicidal when I was starving because at least I was doing it to myself. Everything was ok. I didn't feel. Now feeling is all I do. I got a letter from outpatients saying that I'm going to have to wait months for psychological help. I'm due to be weighed tomorrow but I'm kicking the woman out of my house. There is no way on Earth I'm stepping on the scales. I'm not going to weigh myself ever again. It just makes me feel like **** because the number is never low enough. Stupid ED services don't even give a **** about you until you're visibly ill and even then they just stand back and watch until you're almost dead and then they won't even let you die, they just swoop in, stick you in hospital and stuff you with food until you can't breathe and then kick you out and ignore you even though you're not better until you're actually ill enough to warrant getting any help. I see no reason to continue having what they call treatment. 'Cause being weighed every two weeks is REALLY helpful. :rolleyes:
    My local ED service are awful but they won't even LEAVE ME ALONE! I've been telling for months to discharge me. They won't because 'I'm at risk of relapse.' BS. If they thought that they would have done something other than weigh me by now. I don't even want them to care. What I want is to be left the **** alone. What I want to do is forget about my exams and go to a hotel, hire a room and stay there for a good few months and not eat and not drink and not be around people. I'm not even suicidal right now, I'm just ******* tired. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling. I want it all to stop.

    I'm still so angry that I got forced into recovery that I can't hold on to it because it's not mine. I feel like I have to lose weight to gain it again on MY terms because then I'll actually want to get better for real. I feel so angry that this disgusting weight was gained by eating mass produced unhealthy ready meals. I feel so angry that my thighs are full of blubber and touch each other. I feel so damn angry that I got into the position where I had to be hospitalised in the first place. And yes, I feel angry that they put me in hospital before I got to my target weight. I was almost there. 4 more kilos and I swear I would have stopped. I really would have. I know this is all an ED construct and my body doesn't care what I ate to gain the weight but *I* do. I can't be like this because of them. This is MY life and if I wanted to gain weight/recover I would have done it on my own. I said I'd give recovery a year and then if I hated it I knew how to go back. I said that because I hoped that life would get in the way and I'd actually find the will to get better. But I don't know how to want to get better. I don't want to die when I'm starving. I don't want to live like this but I know I'll feel better if I lose weight because I did before. I don't care about anything else. I don't even REALLY care about my weight. I know that it doesn't really change things. I just want to feel better and nothing works. Not my medication and not therapy. If my depression would go away I'd be better.

    /essay

    I'm sorry for the negativity. I really need an e-slap in the face right now. I don't even know what's triggered me. Just my general uselessness, I think. This is my own fault. If I was better and revised more and wasn't ****, I wouldn't feel like this. :rolleyes:

    Please don't respond to this. I'm already embarrassed. I just needed to get it out.
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    i can so relate DD. I am not close to anyone anymore no frriends no family but I love my own company but i had a panic attack earlier cos today is supposed to be eating less day yet i felt like someone was going to control me and make me eat more / mum cooks loads and just ruins everything. ihate myself and how fat i am because i truly am fat im not even joking i look pregnant. OMG same I know I;ll be much more happier when ive lose the weight but i cant get a grip and just do it as im a binger too. purged before. hate myself so much and i know everything will be fine if i just dont eat it all so much all the time but family are on to me i hate them for making me eat and i hate being so fat i know what wil make me happy but for some reason i just cant do it.cant start.
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    Diamonddust, Notsocool, not to be funny but this train of thought is really upsetting me here. I, like many others, are trying to convert my unhealthy thoughts of a properly healthy body image to a realistic one, where my ED isn't in charge and I can be free of these disgusting shackles that have ruined my life the past two years. This is a thread of positivity, of empowerment, of hope - channel your worries into an ambition to BEAT your negativity.

    I'm not saying you can't be negative!! We all have our down days, myself included... but when we are all in the same boat trying to fight off this demon on our shoulders, you should think about what you post before you post it. Some things you write might be construed as trigger material.

    Neither of you are fat; neither of you are ugly physically or mentally. You are just consumed by a disorder that has warped your minds, bodies and souls into believing a lie. Like a devout religious follower, you follow your ED to the end of the earth despite having no real reason to; it's a personal thing that, outwith your own head, to all around you, makes no sense. Your confusion, frustrations, angers and sadnesses are all normal in your current situation.

    Just please, please don't let it overwhelm you. I am just like you. I have an eating disorder and it has ruined the past few years. I have merely *existed* to feed the ED by starving myself. Do I deserve to be a husk of a person for this virus that lives in my mind that *doesn't even really exist* out of my mind? Could there be anything more fruitless than to die for a demonic kernel of thought and restrictions, a set of laws that I created myself, no more real than a dream?

    Please don't give up. When you quantify as I have, what an ED is, it helps to summarise why it's not worth feeding it. And yet I am a hypocrite. I still count calories and I obsessively feed my ticks and compulsions. But my aims are now different. My targets are no longer feeding the ED - it's about feeding MY body. MY mind. MY soul.

    When you're nothing but a pile of bones in the ground, what legacy... what life will you have lived, and what will you leave behind? I sure as hell don't want "Tommy, Father to no children, husband to no wife, experienced no happiness, but at least he was a skeletal mess."
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Diamonddust, Notsocool, not to be funny but this train of thought is really upsetting me here. I, like many others, are trying to convert my unhealthy thoughts of a properly healthy body image to a realistic one, where my ED isn't in charge and I can be free of these disgusting shackles that have ruined my life the past two years. This is a thread of positivity, of empowerment, of hope - channel your worries into an ambition to BEAT your negativity.

    I'm not saying you can't be negative!! We all have our down days, myself included... but when we are all in the same boat trying to fight off this demon on our shoulders, you should think about what you post before you post it. Some things you write might be construed as trigger material.

    Neither of you are fat; neither of you are ugly physically or mentally. You are just consumed by a disorder that has warped your minds, bodies and souls into believing a lie. Like a devout religious follower, you follow your ED to the end of the earth despite having no real reason to; it's a personal thing that, outwith your own head, to all around you, makes no sense. Your confusion, frustrations, angers and sadnesses are all normal in your current situation.

    Just please, please don't let it overwhelm you. I am just like you. I have an eating disorder and it has ruined the past few years. I have merely *existed* to feed the ED by starving myself. Do I deserve to be a husk of a person for this virus that lives in my mind that *doesn't even really exist* out of my mind? Could there be anything more fruitless than to die for a demonic kernel of thought and restrictions, a set of laws that I created myself, no more real than a dream?

    Please don't give up. When you quantify as I have, what an ED is, it helps to summarise why it's not worth feeding it. And yet I am a hypocrite. I still count calories and I obsessively feed my ticks and compulsions. But my aims are now different. My targets are no longer feeding the ED - it's about feeding MY body. MY mind. MY soul.

    When you're nothing but a pile of bones in the ground, what legacy... what life will you have lived, and what will you leave behind? I sure as hell don't want "Tommy, Father to no children, husband to no wife, experienced no happiness, but at least he was a skeletal mess."

    I cant + rep you for this post sadly.Your determination to beat this ED is shinning through all of your later posts......I know you can do it!!.

    I am worried about Custard though, I know she is in what she calls "Fat Farm" but I cant help but worry about her.Daft isnt it?,saying that though I hope she can beat this and come through the other side.
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    Edit: Sorry for the rant. I've realised it's the first of June and I tend to have craxy breakdowns just before my period (sorry if that's TMI) and don't realise it's because of that. I just ate. :sigh: Hate myself but I'm ok. So sorry!
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Diamonddust, Notsocool, not to be funny but this train of thought is really upsetting me here. I, like many others, are trying to convert my unhealthy thoughts of a properly healthy body image to a realistic one, where my ED isn't in charge and I can be free of these disgusting shackles that have ruined my life the past two years. This is a thread of positivity, of empowerment, of hope - channel your worries into an ambition to BEAT your negativity.

    I'm not saying you can't be negative!! We all have our down days, myself included... but when we are all in the same boat trying to fight off this demon on our shoulders, you should think about what you post before you post it. Some things you write might be construed as trigger material.

    Neither of you are fat; neither of you are ugly physically or mentally. You are just consumed by a disorder that has warped your minds, bodies and souls into believing a lie. Like a devout religious follower, you follow your ED to the end of the earth despite having no real reason to; it's a personal thing that, outwith your own head, to all around you, makes no sense. Your confusion, frustrations, angers and sadnesses are all normal in your current situation.

    Just please, please don't let it overwhelm you. I am just like you. I have an eating disorder and it has ruined the past few years. I have merely *existed* to feed the ED by starving myself. Do I deserve to be a husk of a person for this virus that lives in my mind that *doesn't even really exist* out of my mind? Could there be anything more fruitless than to die for a demonic kernel of thought and restrictions, a set of laws that I created myself, no more real than a dream?

    Please don't give up. When you quantify as I have, what an ED is, it helps to summarise why it's not worth feeding it. And yet I am a hypocrite. I still count calories and I obsessively feed my ticks and compulsions. But my aims are now different. My targets are no longer feeding the ED - it's about feeding MY body. MY mind. MY soul.

    When you're nothing but a pile of bones in the ground, what legacy... what life will you have lived, and what will you leave behind? I sure as hell don't want "Tommy, Father to no children, husband to no wife, experienced no happiness, but at least he was a skeletal mess."
    Sorry Toto. I don't want to trigger you/anyone else. I just repped you. Your positivity is just amazing. I just made another post. That rant was the result of crazy PMT. I never realise until after I have a meltdown. Really need to get that sorted, it drives me crazy! :rolleyes:
    Positives for today: I revised for 2 hours. I ate biscotti. I had dinner even though I really really didn't want to.

    (Original post by Annie72)
    I cant + rep you for this post sadly.Your determination to beat this ED is shinning through all of your later posts......I know you can do it!!.

    I am worried about Custard though, I know she is in what she calls "Fat Farm" but I cant help but worry about her.Daft isnt it?,saying that though I hope she can beat this and come through the other side.
    I'm worried about Custard too. :sad: I worry about everyone on here to be honest!
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    I wasn't giving anyone a row!! I was just trying to offer the gentlest of E-Slaps you'd requested!
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Oh custard. Sweetheart, you're breaking my heart here hearing this. It makes me appreciate how far into an ED you can be sucked, and whereas I've been ravaged by it, you're far deeper than I ever was.

    I thought my 15.5 BMI (currently) was dire; on the "Rainbow Chart" I'm still "Severe Anorexia Nervosa" territory, but just on the cusp of where they're monitoring my organs for damage constantly. I'm personally lucky that in just over one month I've gained almost 2kg, off my own back (no admissions to refeed clinics)- they said it would be FAR more in the hospital as an in-patient, but I'd rather do this recovery in a way that's not being FORCED, but to do it for myself. To not trick or deceive myself.
    Like I said I did it from 15.0 before and - yeah, it was better, a lot better. (and it would be more in hosp yes). You are taking responsibility too. .

    But you - custard hon - forgive me if I'm misconstruing your upbeat humour, but you almost seem to be revelling in how ill you've become with your jovial terminology. Perhaps I've taken it completely the wrong way and you're putting on a brave face for us. But know we're all here for you. Physically, you are literally UNABLE to have "overhang" at this point. Your body is miniscule. Tiny. But me telling you this will ultimately cause that conflicting "I kinda like that sentiment, even though I am actually ill" feeling we as anorexics get.
    No, I'm not revelling in it, it's more a laugh-or-you'll cry think me and my parents/friends have developed to - well, cope. . And I'm in complete denial over the seriousness of my physical state, I think all the precautions they are taking are ridiculous... But then, well, it can't hurt me right? And at least it means they're taking me at a pace I can deal with.

    Today my gran kept saying "Oh, you look better in the face today. Bill, doesn't he look better in the face? Oh, so much better in the face, Thomas."

    I went home and cried like a moron.
    Oh ouch, I feel you

    We are on different rungs of the same ladder and despite the fact we are both recovering, one on the outside and one on the inside, the irrational dysmorphia we feel is a familiar one. Am I chubby? You've seen my recent picture. Am I fat? Everyone I ask says "Ah helllll nah!" with such disdain for the question you'd think I'd just shot their dog. But when I see it, I see that "better in the face" as "damn, my face IS pretty round. Chubby, even. Yeah, round and fatty." And you scrutinise it to the last millimetre. However when I see your pictures, I actually said out loud, "oh that poor lassie." I was on my own, but it hit me so hard how frail you looked, that it was my immediate response. And to you, I bet you do the same "picture scrutiny" and rip yourself to pieces.
    I dunno that I do, anymore... ... I just feel a bit sad sometimes. Sad that it offers me security being so thin. I don't see 'fat' (but I don't think I see HOW thin).

    I still claw at my stomach skin, pinching inches. But I HAVE to understand that my body, until it is a BMI of at LEAST 19, is unhealthy. And at this stage, it is literally eating itself. And if I'm 15.5, and you're 13, and MY situation is this dire - you should try to gain some perspective from that m'dear.

    Post again soon. XXX
    Bless you <3

    Earlier tonight, trying to make the best
    http://i232.photobucket.com/albums/e...y/Image192.jpg

    Genuinely feeling a bit more positive
    http://i232.photobucket.com/albums/e...y/Image194.jpg

    Since I have been here I have not drank (obviously), SI'd/picked at scabs, refused MP or put up a stink, and tried to be polite and pleasant and not a pain. And I have not puked, and I have DEALT with handling the liquid calories ok (without alcohol in them to make me forget...)

    And tomorrow will be a challenge with solids, but tomorrow is not today.
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    I feel so bad. Ate 3 rice crackers and sweet potato after 9 it wasn't measured everything about it was bad. I feel fat heavy and sick my eyes are watering I feel like I'm going to start shaking. I dno what to do. I dno whether to be sick or not I hate throwing up but I don't want this in my stomach anymore. I need to punish myself. Cut maybe but people will see it tomorrow. Why am I so bad and fat and weak. Omg I want it out!
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    Bless you <3

    Earlier tonight, trying to make the best
    http://i232.photobucket.com/albums/e...y/Image192.jpg

    Genuinely feeling a bit more positive
    http://i232.photobucket.com/albums/e...y/Image194.jpg

    Since I have been here I have not drank (obviously), SI'd/picked at scabs, refused MP or put up a stink, and tried to be polite and pleasant and not a pain. And I have not puked, and I have DEALT with handling the liquid calories ok (without alcohol in them to make me forget...)

    And tomorrow will be a challenge with solids, but tomorrow is not today.
    As little as I can spare for using for my OWN battle, I offer you my strength. I still use alcohol alongside the Fluoxetene and Omeprazole etc, to help me battle past the demon too; so I can empathise there... but tomorrow, your battle starts anew and I'll be right here if you need me. It might seem that the way we're dealing with things are a roundabout means, but truly, we will get through this
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    Bless you <3

    Earlier tonight, trying to make the best
    http://i232.photobucket.com/albums/e...y/Image192.jpg

    Genuinely feeling a bit more positive
    http://i232.photobucket.com/albums/e...y/Image194.jpg

    Since I have been here I have not drank (obviously), SI'd/picked at scabs, refused MP or put up a stink, and tried to be polite and pleasant and not a pain. And I have not puked, and I have DEALT with handling the liquid calories ok (without alcohol in them to make me forget...)

    And tomorrow will be a challenge with solids, but tomorrow is not today.
    Such a beautiful smile. I'm glad you're feeling more positive!
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    Tommy :jumphug: xxx
    And briesandwich thank you too xxx
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    Just want to ****ing give up and die.
    :'(
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    I've been avoiding this thread because it makes me all teary and I need to revise but :hugs: to everyone and squiff - fight, never give up fighting your illness - it gets so much easier once you're that little bit into recovery than living with it, trust me :console:
 
 
 
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