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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    Has anyone in recovery noticed how much their ED (anorexia, for me) habits have stuck with them? I'm eating normally (or more normally than I have in years) but there are these stupid habits that I just can't stop. (I'ma spoiler the actual habits as they are rather trigger-y)
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    Like if I'm eating at home (which is most of the time) I have to use a side-plate and a dessert fork/teaspoon, I just feel awful with a big dinner plate of food and normal cutlery, like I can't control what I'm eating with them.
    I also can't eat alone in public, or in places that aren't food-designated (like restaurants), even if everyone else is eating. If push comes to shove I can handle having a coffee on the tube but that's really pushing it, I just don't feel comfortable at all, like everyone's watching me. If I'm eating in a restaurant I have to leave at least a quarter of my plate and order last, so I'll be the 'healthiest'.
    I drink boiling hot drinks every morning to scald my tastebuds so I food doesn't taste as good.
    I have to sabotage leftovers so I can't possibly overeat.
    I smoke the second a meal's over so I won't want anything else to eat.
    If I'm feeling faint in the day (I get low blood sugar attacks) I'll chew gum or have a coffee rather than eat outside of set mealtimes.
    I can't handle not having the lowest-calorie option, no matter where I am/what it is.

    So now I look like a crazy person who no longer *looks* anorexic. Stupid brain.
    Does anyone else have this?
    Not the same things, but I get the same sort of flairs. Still get a couple of 'weak periods' and the self-hating of body image still persists but they aren't so big anymore. If you can control the habits for just a few hours a day, you don't need to think about them the rest of the time. It's very important to stress that you shouldn't be doing ANYTHING to control your eating. You seek some form of control, and eating is the vice. You still have SERIOUS issues, just they aren't really as dramatically life threatening anymore (apart from tongue cancer, lung cancer, etc.)

    Pretty much after doing a crap tonne of looking into different therapies I got some reprieve by doing some myself. Learned to confront some people, learnt how my own body works, etc. The thoughts don't really leave, you just get more control over them. From the sound of your issues it sounds like you still have some deep set issues in habit, from personal experience I'd say look into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. You don't need a therapist even, you just need a good self-awareness. You've recognised where there are ACTUAL issues, you can correct them.

    Still got the Anxiety though, that still needs work.
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    Guys...

    I'm GOING TO recover - properly. No calories. Starting tomorrow. That's a promise to every one of you and myself. I want to start living and I KNOW I have the strength.

    PM me for fb You are all inspirations.
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Guys...

    I'm GOING TO recover - properly. No calories. Starting tomorrow. That's a promise to every one of you and myself. I want to start living and I KNOW I have the strength.

    PM me for fb You are all inspirations.
    This is brilliant news! So proud you can do it, girl!
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Guys...

    I'm GOING TO recover - properly. No calories. Starting tomorrow. That's a promise to every one of you and myself. I want to start living and I KNOW I have the strength.

    PM me for fb You are all inspirations.
    YES! I wish you all the best. If you're ever finding it hard, please feel free to inbox me because I know that recovering is hard. Usually it's the first step that's the hardest, but you soon realise that the results are definitely worth the struggle! Good luck x
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Guys...

    I'm GOING TO recover - properly. No calories. Starting tomorrow. That's a promise to every one of you and myself. I want to start living and I KNOW I have the strength.

    PM me for fb You are all inspirations.
    You've just made my day !!!!!!!

    I was so scared to come on to this thread, feeling rather vulnerable at the moment, but really really pushing myself to eat more sensibly and stop all of this.

    Your message just boosted my mood and removed the doubt that getting better is really want I want.

    Like you I WANT IT!
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Guys...

    I'm GOING TO recover - properly. No calories. Starting tomorrow. That's a promise to every one of you and myself. I want to start living and I KNOW I have the strength.

    PM me for fb You are all inspirations.
    -explodes with proudness-
    • #48
    #48

    Oh dear, it's not been a good day

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    Started off waking up late, which always throws my patterns out (by late, I mean 1pm so no proper breakfast). For some reason yesterday I decided to defrost the steak that was in my freezer so I had to have it for dinner; cue panic attack After dinner I was a bit 'meh' so went to the petrol station and bought a tube of Maryland cookies and I've eaten pratically all of them, and a KitKat, I feel so sick but I can't stop putting them in my mouth And all I can think of is ways to make up for it or punish myself for it tomorrow, I don't really want to do either but I feel like I have to. I've joined a few fitness pages on FB and tumblr (which is another thing I need to sort out because it's not healthy) and I'm doing a 2000 lunges in a week challenge, but refusing to accept this as exercise, so my calorie amounts are out massively and I'm panicking about that as well. Need to slow down and breath but there's another ****ing cookie in my mouth and I can't. Eurgggh. I felt like I'd been making progress recently too :sad:
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    Sorry for the randomness of that PM :P
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Oh dear, it's not been a good day
    I had anorexia, so slightly different and I can't help on the thing in the spoiler really, but never think of it as a step backwards. Everything happens for a reason. Every time you 'mess up' or whatever you want to call it, you learn something from it which helps you in the long-run. Stay strong. x
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    You go get 'em, Cinnie!:fives:
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    So proud of you, Cinnabon.

    Guys, interesting sidenote; i hit the 18.5 bmi mark, and instantly dropped my calories from my gain amount of 3500 per day as per recovery diet to 2000-2500 a day. This is more than i normally have eaten in years. Despite this i dropped 4 of those pounds in as many days... From 8st6 to just over 8st2. Who knows how much is real weight shift, but as my therapist says, after a rapid gain diet, your metabolism skyrockets and chances are youll find you maintain on waaaaaay more than you expected.

    Just thought it was worth a mention considering I thought... And i know a LOT of you think... Things like 500-1500 kcals a day is a "natural" maintenance amount. Bear in mind Im not a tall lad either... Five foot seven. So losing or maintaining on 2500 now? Proves how jaded my ed had made me.rp
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    Panic
    It's a good point you mention, Toto. This is my fear from a healthy weight perspective-whether my idea of maintenance is effectively gonna lead to huge loss (I meanso far it's been fine, actually I've gained a stone from BMI 19-21 in 6 months at my own rate for the most part, and that's worked wonders). I'd usually eat between 1500-2000 and while I've got plenty of room for more, I don't really want to eat more every day for the sheer sake of it, I'd rather go off my hunger levels, eat when hungry and stop when satisfied/ full, and throw in some extra treats now and then. But I feel like I can't do that, this fear grows stronger when no-one's round, and Mum's on holiday this whole week, so instead my hunger and fullness cues have 80% gone.
    I've noticed my binging is a form of all-or-nothing rebellion against both people telling me what's a reasonable amount (which actually I know, thanks!) and the culture I'm seemingly surrounded with here where few people even give a **** about their health and most people get mashed every weekend (although actually, my rational mind says I'm being a bit extreme and getting bitter here because I feel the effects of booze and junk on my body really quickly). But it's also one in which all that happens when I rebel is I feel sick and frustrated and actually no-one even hears I'm unhappy with them telling me what to do, because I've done it in secret. I can't even decide how much I want for breakfast anymore...
    (don't read spoiler if recovery diet/needing to gain because I'm fully weight-recovered though mind's still hurting)
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    [It was 2 weetabix and an orange today. Perhaps could have done with some additional protein and yeah, I'd usually have a bit more than that and could easily have had within sensible amount but you know what, I just wasn't that bloody hungry today. Is that not a reasonable and healthy amount (for brekkie), is it somehow wrong, restrictive and disordered? Because I just made myself have a "second breakfast" involving a loaf, a block of cheese and a six-pack of yoghurts seems as though 2 weetabix "wasn't ok" and it's not pretty : /

    Hate these obsessive thoughts.

    And the stupidest thing is no-one has ever said it's not OK for me to eat the way I am. I just decided they disapproved of it and needed to go do the absolute opposite then.
    Is it not alright for me to just eat how much and when I want? Can't anyone trust me to not do anything harmful to my body anymore if I';m given free rein? I don't feel I'll be able to recover and get out of the restrict then binge cycle, or stop going round the healthy eating unhealthy habits bandwagon, until I know the answer to that. If I go into accommodation next year still thinking like this I could actually die. Someone please please tell me.

    But really Toto, congrats for hitting the healthy weight mark!
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    Riku, sadly ive been asked to regain my losses and continue past that... Meaning congrats are a tiny touch premature, but I accept them wholeheartedly! I had no idea my new maintenance would cause big drops and beyond that, my therapists say 18.5 is "nowhere near" recovered weight, despite me saying to myself, surely it is enough by now.

    I think that your issue is a complex one. For one, after the gain diet, i am now RAVENOUS. The hunger is insatiable but apparently that is normal as the body resatiates itself. But my therapist mentions some peopke find the "cutoff" between physical and mental hunger is especially blurred with q lot of (especially early) recovered patients. Some days I still say " time to eat three rounds of toast and two chicken breasts" by routine because of the gining diet... I might not even be hungry.

    Keeping the mental and physical hungers separate can be a real nuisance.
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    Ugh, why did I do this to my body?
    (Spoilered for longness)
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    I missed an exam this morning because I'd been up for most of the night (finally got to sleep at about half five) rushing to the loo... I've been trying to eat properly for the exam period so I'll be focused and my body has decided to be like "yeah... no". My digestive system is awful (doctors have actually commented on it) and my abuse of it means that the slightest irritation means I'm doubled up in pain whilst constantly using the loo. Please someone, tell me that it gets better, that this damage I've done isn't permanent.
    As it is I'm going to have to pay a stupid amount of money for a doctors letter detailing my health issues for extenuating circumstances and hope that they'll let me re-sit the exam. F**k, I was actually prepared for this exam, I actually tried to do something good for my body and it's turned around and bitten me on the a***e. I actually cried when they said I couldn't sit the exam (turned up half an hour late, woke up half an hour before the exam) and I never cry, it's just so frustrating!
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Riku, sadly ive been asked to regain my losses and continue past that... Meaning congrats are a tiny touch premature, but I accept them wholeheartedly! I had no idea my new maintenance would cause big drops and beyond that, my therapists say 18.5 is "nowhere near" recovered weight, despite me saying to myself, surely it is enough by now.

    I think that your issue is a complex one. For one, after the gain diet, i am now RAVENOUS. The hunger is insatiable but apparently that is normal as the body resatiates itself. But my therapist mentions some peopke find the "cutoff" between physical and mental hunger is especially blurred with q lot of (especially early) recovered patients. Some days I still say " time to eat three rounds of toast and two chicken breasts" by routine because of the gining diet... I might not even be hungry.

    Keeping the mental and physical hungers separate can be a real nuisance.


    I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. I never needed to go through the actual gaining diet but was left entirely outpatient, so can only imagine what that must do to hunger cues. And you're right, that's the problem. Physically, I don't always know whether I'm even hungry and often have to eat a meal out of force (still somehow manage to enjoy it, but I almost relish a meal when I feel genuine hunger before having it, and if I am overeating to extremes I feel the blood sugars spiked, though that's really probs the binging). Mentally, I don't think I'd be trusted to stick to a "healthy" amount, given my history.
    In some ways I wonder whether this was a necessity to get me back to a healthy weight...but at the same time, I hate the consistent overeating, it's clearly abnormal and disordered, and I know it's in no shape or form a healthy habit or mentality to get into.

    Mass inspiration moment WOO!
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    Although somewhere down the line, my entire outlook's had a U-turn. Like I think a lot of the worry about getting approval to go IE is down to anxiety and actually, the ones I love are just glad that I've got my appetite back and are generally happier and so much more relaxed and just more me again these days

    I've also learned the most important rule about a binge is to pretty much pretend it didn't happen. Not to say dismiss it entirely and let it become habit, but don't let it get to you. And NEVER let it dictate your actions for the rest of that day, or life, and become a behaviour. It's the decision you have to restrict, or purge, or hit the gym, or pre-ED get "right back on the diet" that can ruin lives. (I respect that's so much easier said than done to break, and far more complicated than that, of course. But in terms of choosing self-loathing and punishment or self-loving and nurture, I can see clearly now which reaps the most results).
    I'm getting better with coping mechanisms and moving on now to the really radical thought of "what would I do if I wasn't feeling so anxious or worried about my weight?". And today, it happened to be (on top of calling a good friend, taking a nice walk in the sun, getting on the drums, and having a laugh with Gran and Granddad seems as though I haven't seen the old folks for yonks) trying the KitKatPB flavour because I've heard so much about it
    Point being with the KitKat, although I had binged and therefore eaten way over maintenance or even sensible gain and getting in a state about the massive gain, therefore perhaps it would be "logical" to try and lose again or at elast deprive myself entirely of treats...actually that doesn't have to happen and it'd be perfectly sensible and moderate and just GOOD for me and us all if it hadn't been for the binge, and I envision my life ED and anxiety-free, warts-and-all, with the occasional guilty pleasure. So I fancy a KitKat and that's that. Which as you'll have gathered means, not being about the food really, fake it to make it-eventually the belief things get better becomes genuine

    I just remembered another reason as my throat was too sore and full of mucous to sing on drums today; acid reflux and oesophagitis don't just happen if you purge, apparently : / http://www.something-fishy.org/dangers/dangers.php
    I am NOT letting this **** up my voice. That's the last straw.





    The binges, the panic attacks, the intermittent sleep deprivation, the depression, the whole episodes of complete shell-shocked indecision and insecurity and getting hopelessly neurotic, yeah I can't deny that's pretty crap. But that's not my whole life, I refuse to believe that's all there is. The rest is on the up, significantly.
    Like you and Cinnie and many others, Toto, I'm ready to get out and make that final step of truly living. The only thing or person in the way of it all now is myself.
    I really can't stress to you and to everyone else concerned about the weight gain, how much better life is at a recovered weight.
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    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    Ugh, why did I do this to my body?
    (Spoilered for longness)
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    I missed an exam this morning because I'd been up for most of the night (finally got to sleep at about half five) rushing to the loo... I've been trying to eat properly for the exam period so I'll be focused and my body has decided to be like "yeah... no". My digestive system is awful (doctors have actually commented on it) and my abuse of it means that the slightest irritation means I'm doubled up in pain whilst constantly using the loo. Please someone, tell me that it gets better, that this damage I've done isn't permanent.
    As it is I'm going to have to pay a stupid amount of money for a doctors letter detailing my health issues for extenuating circumstances and hope that they'll let me re-sit the exam. F**k, I was actually prepared for this exam, I actually tried to do something good for my body and it's turned around and bitten me on the a***e. I actually cried when they said I couldn't sit the exam (turned up half an hour late, woke up half an hour before the exam) and I never cry, it's just so frustrating!
    :hugs:
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    Ooh, digestion problems : / one of the big reasons I'm going to try 210% to stop this, because while before I was just being general and possibly half-hearted with "yeah I want to recover and be happy, I'll try and do that because it's for the better", I really value my voice. I will fight for it.
    Again one of the things I'm changing, what's taken years to settle in. Things happen, either **** happens to us or sometimes we do stupid things to ourselves or others instead. That can't be undone, we can't change the past, and nothing will be achieved by fretting. But we can shape our future by taking control of the present. It's not over 'til it's over. 'course, this is your body we're talking about, always best to check up again with GP if it's really concerning you? Sorry, I know that's really not much use.
    So glad that you're at least trying to eat well. It might feel like your body's rejecting your help and punishing you for doing the right thing but it really isn't, it's just very unfortunate it happened, and if you keep fighting it and telling ED "FU" by treating yourself well, it'll eventually get the message and start behaving!
    I'm pretty certain they'll let you re-sit the exam. I was given mitigating circumstances for having no sleep/binge, pushed them to reevaluate my paper, took them around 2 months but they did and I went from fail to 2.1! And look at it this way, this gives you even more time to show them what you're made of
    x
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    (Original post by Riku)
    :hugs:
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    Ooh, digestion problems : / one of the big reasons I'm going to try 210% to stop this, because while before I was just being general and possibly half-hearted with "yeah I want to recover and be happy, I'll try and do that because it's for the better", I really value my voice. I will fight for it.
    Again one of the things I'm changing, what's taken years to settle in. Things happen, either **** happens to us or sometimes we do stupid things to ourselves or others instead. That can't be undone, we can't change the past, and nothing will be achieved by fretting. But we can shape our future by taking control of the present. It's not over 'til it's over. 'course, this is your body we're talking about, always best to check up again with GP if it's really concerning you? Sorry, I know that's really not much use.
    So glad that you're at least trying to eat well. It might feel like your body's rejecting your help and punishing you for doing the right thing but it really isn't, it's just very unfortunate it happened, and if you keep fighting it and telling ED "FU" by treating yourself well, it'll eventually get the message and start behaving!
    I'm pretty certain they'll let you re-sit the exam. I was given mitigating circumstances for having no sleep/binge, pushed them to reevaluate my paper, took them around 2 months but they did and I went from fail to 2.1! And look at it this way, this gives you even more time to show them what you're made of
    x
    Thanks for that, I needed a major pep talk!
    I've been to so many specialists for my digestive problems (I get chronic abdominal pain that took doctors ages to diagnose) and they've said that the damage is there, it's most likely caused by the strain I put on my body and hopefully with a proper diet and time it should get better eventually. It's just frustrating that the one thing that I have to try so hard to do (eat) has such negative short term effects!
    I seriously want to go on thinspo boards and be like, do you really think that these awful effects are at all attractive? You'll be thin, sure, but you'll also be losing your hair and unable to eat proper food without gross effects- really sounds like a recipe for a happier life, right?
    My uni were really helpful with helping me with the forms and I'm sure my GP will write a wonderful letter ('cause he's lovely).
    It sometimes feels like I'm an ex-con trying to piece my life back together after a long stint in prison! And I'm going to fight because unlike a few years ago I have things I want to do in my life, and those things kinda hinge on being healthy.
    (This may be the most positive post I've written here!)

    OT- It seems like summer starting has really made a lot of people here much more positive and full of fighting spirit... I swear, like half of the posts here are just lovely now!
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    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    Thanks for that, I needed a major pep talk!
    I've been to so many specialists for my digestive problems (I get chronic abdominal pain that took doctors ages to diagnose) and they've said that the damage is there, it's most likely caused by the strain I put on my body and hopefully with a proper diet and time it should get better eventually. It's just frustrating that the one thing that I have to try so hard to do (eat) has such negative short term effects!
    I seriously want to go on thinspo boards and be like, do you really think that these awful effects are at all attractive? You'll be thin, sure, but you'll also be losing your hair and unable to eat proper food without gross effects- really sounds like a recipe for a happier life, right?
    My uni were really helpful with helping me with the forms and I'm sure my GP will write a wonderful letter ('cause he's lovely).
    It sometimes feels like I'm an ex-con trying to piece my life back together after a long stint in prison! And I'm going to fight because unlike a few years ago I have things I want to do in my life, and those things kinda hinge on being healthy.
    (This may be the most positive post I've written here!)

    OT- It seems like summer starting has really made a lot of people here much more positive and full of fighting spirit... I swear, like half of the posts here are just lovely now!
    I agree, summer does generally put you in better mood and makes you more confident!

    And yes it is so unfortunate that it takes so long for your digestive system to catch up with you. I feel mine has gone into some sort of panic mode and doesnt know what to do, but dont let it deter you from your path to recovery! Our bodies have adjusted so, to our disordered eating over a long time that we've got to give it chance. They say for periods and what not to return to normal, it can take up to a year or so.

    Keep your chin up! I find hot water bottles and hot baths help

    oooh! i tried seabass for the first time this evening and it was beautiful, i loved it. All these many many years i have feared food, i am starting to enjoy some of it! God i've missed out ha!!

    xxxx
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    Riku, Belle, the pair of you are making me a happy wee clam!

    Regarding "binges". This is a term I hear thrown around a lot. The term is a completely psychological one. Before your ED, can you recall the days you used to go for a restaurant meal, have dessert too, THEN go to the cinema and eat one of those tubs of popcorn? What I am saying is, you likely consumed over 4000 calories that day, but it was "normal". It was a "day out", not a "disgusting binge". On nights we are in having a few drinks, i still break out low cal biltong and velvet crunch for snacks, where my pals will get THEIR crisps and chocolate... A tub of pringles and share size cadbury bags each. I still say to them, "Mate, that is over 1800 kcals in snacks alone"- ironically, I am the only one not eating it, but the only one that considers such "binge" strange.

    To go into a restaurant and order something from the "normal people" menu ironically sets off my ED voice to tell me it is not normal, that only the "Lighter Option", "Diet" or "Kiddy" menu will do. When one stops to think, it is just plain absurd. Your views of normality are skewed beyond words.

    Being the only adult leaving Mcdonalds with a Mcnugget Happy Meal with carrot sticks because it is the absolute smallest full meal you can get... Kudos, the only thing you have fed is a broken mind. Everyone else thinks youre a nutter.

    The ED tells us up is down, so we dig through the earth until our fingers bleed in search of the sun.
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Riku, Belle, the pair of you are making me a happy wee clam!

    Regarding "binges". This is a term I hear thrown around a lot. The term is a completely psychological one. Before your ED, can you recall the days you used to go for a restaurant meal, have dessert too, THEN go to the cinema and eat one of those tubs of popcorn? What I am saying is, you likely consumed over 4000 calories that day, but it was "normal". It was a "day out", not a "disgusting binge". On nights we are in having a few drinks, i still break out low cal biltong and velvet crunch for snacks, where my pals will get THEIR crisps and chocolate... A tub of pringles and share size cadbury bags each. I still say to them, "Mate, that is over 1800 kcals in snacks alone"- ironically, I am the only one not eating it, but the only one that considers such "binge" strange.

    To go into a restaurant and order something from the "normal people" menu ironically sets off my ED voice to tell me it is not normal, that only the "Lighter Option", "Diet" or "Kiddy" menu will do. When one stops to think, it is just plain absurd. Your views of normality are skewed beyond words.

    Being the only adult leaving Mcdonalds with a Mcnugget Happy Meal with carrot sticks because it is the absolute smallest full meal you can get... Kudos, the only thing you have fed is a broken mind. Everyone else thinks youre a nutter.

    The ED tells us up is down, so we dig through the earth until our fingers bleed in search of the sun.
    You definitely have a way with words Toto, and what you said makes a lot of sense to me. Now, if I could put it in practice...
 
 
 
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