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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. Watch

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    I really feel like I need to go home from uni and stop having to look after myself. It's scary because I've always been really independent, but I'm starting to feel totally incompetent. I've been trying to give myself more nourishment recently because I've been working out a lot, and I signed up for my first 5k run in June with some of the girls from my uni's aerobics society so I thought it'd give me something positive and healthy to look forward to, but I feel like I don't know how to eat anymore. I don't know how many calories I should be eating. How stupid is that? I know loads about nutrition, and I could put together a great plan for what someone else should eat, but for some reason that doesn't seem to apply to me. I thought I was doing well last week being able to consistently eat more calories, and then when I added it up I was STILL below my BMR and running on top of that. The 2000 calorie figure is terrifying. I can't imagine HOW I could eat that much every single day and not gain loads of weight. I just literally have lost the ability to feed myself. I feel like I need to go home to my mum and eat what I'm given when I'm given it. It's like I need absolute gram-for-gram control of my diet or no control at all.

    Sorry to be so negative, I just feel like I'm losing it a bit. So nice to see so much positivity around here though!
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Riku, Belle, the pair of you are making me a happy wee clam!

    Regarding "binges".
    The ED tells us up is down, so we dig through the earth until our fingers bleed in search of the sun.
    It's so cruel how the ED turns our mindset into one of 'I need to get away with allowing myself the absolute bare minimum, otherwise i'm greedy and it's just too much'. It's so deeply ingrained into all parts of our lives without even realising. Putting food into the context of life in general - why would we do that? Why have the bare minimum when we can have a balance and be happy.

    (Original post by sentiment)
    x!
    Don't let it beat you. Remember that the massive determination and perfectionism that your ED has is derived from a part of your personality that can be used for amazing things instead. You've replaced the instinct that we all have inside us that is terrified of going without enough nutrition, with one that does the opposite. You can turn it around, and eventually genuinely feel that the thought of continually damaging your body is the most terrifying thing - more so than providing enough for it. xx
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    Exams, stress and recovery don't make a happy pairing >.<

    I know it's not strictly ED-related, but I cut for the first in two months today
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by Etoile)
    Exams, stress and recovery don't make a happy pairing >.<

    I know it's not strictly ED-related, but I cut for the first in two months today
    Two months is an amazing achievement :hugs: It sucks when you slip back into it (been cutting since I was 16... far too long) but a little slip up doesn't mean that you've failed or anything, it's just a bump and if you've been really stressed with exams and recovery then it's ok.

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    Exams always make me want to cut more than normal, I've been so close these last few days (even got the blades out in desperation ) but I'm trying to prove the point to myself that I don't need it. It's not a healthy thing and I don't want it in my life.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Two months is an amazing achievement :hugs: It sucks when you slip back into it (been cutting since I was 16... far too long) but a little slip up doesn't mean that you've failed or anything, it's just a bump and if you've been really stressed with exams and recovery then it's ok.

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    Exams always make me want to cut more than normal, I've been so close these last few days (even got the blades out in desperation ) but I'm trying to prove the point to myself that I don't need it. It's not a healthy thing and I don't want it in my life.
    Thanks I was doing so well! I'm supposed to be better! I'd just had two maths exams though and was getting ready for English. I feel like I've let everyone down
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by Etoile)
    Thanks I was doing so well! I'm supposed to be better! I'd just had two maths exams though and was getting ready for English. I feel like I've let everyone down
    I can't speak for an eating disorder but recovery from self harm takes so much longer than 2 months, so don't put yourself down. It's a day by day process and we trip up sometimes but we make it most of the days and that's what matters. You need to focus on your exams and try to forget about this hiccup so you can do yourself justice and get the good grades you deserve x
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    Hi everyone. I'm anorexic and my parents are getting worried about me and are threatening hospitalisation. I don't really see the point. I am 5ft 9ins tall and weigh 105lbs. How dangerous is my weight? Thanks for your help!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I can't speak for an eating disorder but recovery from self harm takes so much longer than 2 months, so don't put yourself down. It's a day by day process and we trip up sometimes but we make it most of the days and that's what matters. You need to focus on your exams and try to forget about this hiccup so you can do yourself justice and get the good grades you deserve x
    Yeah. Recovering from an ED is harder though I think, for me anyway, because it's more of my life? Thank you It was a really stupid thing to do because all in the exam I was thinking about how much it itched :L :hugs:
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    (Original post by christmassy)
    Hi everyone. I'm anorexic and my parents are getting worried about me and are threatening hospitalisation. I don't really see the point. I am 5ft 9ins tall and weigh 105lbs. How dangerous is my weight? Thanks for your help!
    very.
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    (Original post by Etoile)
    Yeah. Recovering from an ED is harder though I think, for me anyway, because it's more of my life? Thank you It was a really stupid thing to do because all in the exam I was thinking about how much it itched :L :hugs:
    Don't worry! I think around exam time we all become a bit dependent on stuff, even 'normal' people do. My boyfriend's appetite seems to have rocketed due to exams and I've become a Diet Coke addict, but it will all stop after exams and you'll be able to focus on getting better properly. When I was anorexic, I wanted to get better around the time of my AS Levels, but I couldn't because I was so stressed about the exams so I restricted myself. As soon as I'd finished my last exams, I held my hands up and was like 'mumma, feed me whatever'. Exams honestly just exacerbate mental problems :\ THEY'RE EVIL.

    - - -

    As you guys know, I've been recovered for 2 years. However, since getting better I never delved into my diaries and photos of the time that I had an ED.

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    It was shocking. I am absolutely disgusted in myself, that I let it get that bad. In a lot of the photos, I look drugged because I am so sick. I look like I'm on death's door. I read a diary entry that said that my BMI was 14.3. 14.3?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! And that wasn't even my lowest weight. It's sickening. I have photos where I'm smiling with my mum. But it's so fake. You can see the pain in our eyes. She suffered so much because of my stupidity. I actually stole 2 1/2 years of her life because of my demons. I look pathetic. I've seen starving people on adverts for charities with more meat on them.

    I honestly don't know how I didn't die. I know I was about to when I was admitted to hospital, but I don't know how I didn't die when my bloody BMI was 14.3...that's just not natural.

    I can't ever erase those 30 months of my life and mumma's life. I can't ever make up for them. I was so upset that I cried last night and I cried this morning when I called her. All I could say was sorry. Do you know what she said? "Don't be sorry. Make me happy and live your life now. You should have died -- people have died with higher BMIs than you, with less severe anorexia than you. You survived for a reason, be it that it was for me, for your boyfriend, your degree, a job, helping other ED sufferers...you survived. Seize your life because it is precious and you are lucky to have another chance."

    She is so right. I am so grateful. I am grateful for the amazing 2 years I have had since recovering. I have a thirst for life now that I didn't have before yesterday. I am deeply disturbed by what I've seen and what I've read because I never realised how sick I was, but I'm glad I managed to face it.


    Guys, if you read that...IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING. If you guys want to, you will get better. Please have faith and keep fighting. You are strong. You're a survivor and you will do it, all in good time. x
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    Jazzy, inspiring. Really hit home with me too, because my bmi wasnt the lowest a human had ever been, but I had two weeks to live, tops, thanks to liver and kidney death. Yet I was still saying, "Hah, but Im not the smallest anorexic though!"

    What a moron i was.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Jazzy, inspiring. Really hit home with me too, because my bmi wasnt the lowest a human had ever been, but I had two weeks to live, tops, thanks to liver and kidney death. Yet I was still saying, "Hah, but Im not the smallest anorexic though!"

    What a moron i was.
    Thank you *hug*. I know what you mean. I still thought 'no, I need to lose more', even when I physically couldn't! I also feel ridiculously stupid, looking back on it. I keep thinking 'why the hell couldn't I have dealt with my issues in a better way?' because it didn't just destroy me, but it destroyed the people closest to me too. But as mumma said, we can't make up for it or rewrite history. All we can do is make a vow never to do it again and enjoy all the things that the ED temporarily stole from us. x
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    (Original post by Etoile)
    Yeah. Recovering from an ED is harder though I think, for me anyway, because it's more of my life? Thank you It was a really stupid thing to do because all in the exam I was thinking about how much it itched :L :hugs:
    -squidge- I swear exams make everything worse. Getting a massive 8 page letter/ booklet thing about results day, adjustment, what to do if you cant get on Track/ if you **** up all your exams and end up in clearing this morning hasnt helped. just made me feel like I'm not going to end up at my firm. Feel prepared for AS german resit. Do NOT feel prepared for chemistry. Nor does miss saying 'I can't imagine what it would be like to not like food, isn't it sad that some people hate food so much that they don't eat?' in bio this morning. Our prerelease material for my bio exam is on AN and the influence of the media along with an awful lot of other stuff.
    • #82
    #82

    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    -squidge- I swear exams make everything worse. Getting a massive 8 page letter/ booklet thing about results day, adjustment, what to do if you cant get on Track/ if you **** up all your exams and end up in clearing this morning hasnt helped. just made me feel like I'm not going to end up at my firm. Feel prepared for AS german resit. Do NOT feel prepared for chemistry. Nor does miss saying 'I can't imagine what it would be like to not like food, isn't it sad that some people hate food so much that they don't eat?' in bio this morning. Our prerelease material for my bio exam is on AN and the influence of the media along with an awful lot of other stuff.
    I'm guessing you do edexcel biology? I'm really freaking out about the article thing, I can't bring myself to read it again, and I'm pretty much not going to biology classes anymore after the horrific class discussions we've had (like people blurting out about how underweight they were, my biology class is weirdly thin and it always makes me feel like crap, and the person next to me talking about how it was so sad that girls felt the need to make themselves sick ). I can't believe edexcel thought it was appropriate to start an article with the word 'thinspiration'. I guess I'm over-sensitive to the whole thing but still, the last thing I need in an exam is thoughts about AN/BN/thinspo.
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    We're all a bit stressed out right now with the exam season in full swing, and it's possible we're forgetting to breathe deeply and just letting all thoughts of fun and chilling out fly out the window. It's all too easy to say "I don't have time to look after myself now, "I have to revise for X/finish this dissertation first!" But life, for all of its beauty, is going to constantly throw stresses our way and the mark of self-esteem and strength of character is how we respond to those stresses without letting them consume us.
    (Can probably guess I forgot to do this today big-time >_< but being mindful and aware of your thoughts and feelings is crucial to changing bad habits)
    We might feel we should leave quality "me-time" out for now and concentrate because we've got the whole summer ahead to enjoy ourselves/focus on recovery, but really our favourite pastimes come to full fruition during the hard times to give us a much needed helping hand back on our feet. Until we need them, we often take our skills and qualities for granted. And I know I'm a bit stressed by how I'm gonna cope after the end of term, because summer's just a big void of possibility. Choices are strange things, they can make or break us.
    So I'm going to encourage everyone now to stand up tall and proud and let us know: what's your favourite thing in the world? What activity or topic or culture really makes you squeal with joy and think, "This is my time to shine!"? What makes you feel simply glad to be alive?
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    -squidge- I swear exams make everything worse. Getting a massive 8 page letter/ booklet thing about results day, adjustment, what to do if you cant get on Track/ if you **** up all your exams and end up in clearing this morning hasnt helped. just made me feel like I'm not going to end up at my firm. Feel prepared for AS german resit. Do NOT feel prepared for chemistry. Nor does miss saying 'I can't imagine what it would be like to not like food, isn't it sad that some people hate food so much that they don't eat?' in bio this morning. Our prerelease material for my bio exam is on AN and the influence of the media along with an awful lot of other stuff.
    I remember last year on results day being the worst day of my life. Not being able to get on track because it crashed instantly. Ringing up my firm because they hadn't made a decision yet because of my ED. Stressing out at the disability office when they said they were unable to take me because of my ED. I was convinced i would be ok. Thank god they didnt take me as i dont think i would be in recovery now and I definitelty would not have enetered in-patient treatment. Looking back now, (as with ED's) i put far too much pressure on myself and the expectation of going to uni there and then. I realised nothing is THAT bad and your health comes first. I deferred the year and now it's my main motivation, to get back on track and start uni this year in a MUCH better position especially health wise.

    Just to say dont expect the unrealistic of yourself. Things will be okay, and there is the whole time in the world to educate yourself, be who you want to be, follow your dreams. But your ED (although we like to think it can) won't wait, your health can't wait. And at this very stressful time, remember this. Look after yourself and your well-being before anything else.

    xxxx
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm guessing you do edexcel biology? I'm really freaking out about the article thing, I can't bring myself to read it again, and I'm pretty much not going to biology classes anymore after the horrific class discussions we've had (like people blurting out about how underweight they were, my biology class is weirdly thin and it always makes me feel like crap, and the person next to me talking about how it was so sad that girls felt the need to make themselves sick ). I can't believe edexcel thought it was appropriate to start an article with the word 'thinspiration'. I guess I'm over-sensitive to the whole thing but still, the last thing I need in an exam is thoughts about AN/BN/thinspo.
    Yup. Hate the SNAB spec, seriously when you go through the orange textbook to make notes, theres been times where I've summarised two double pages in half a side of A4! I'm genuinely only doing A2 biology because I pretty much HAD to drop maths. Doesn't help that our teachers treat us like children, so making posters, cut and stick activities etc. We're 18 ffs!

    Uni wise: I regret letting dad force me into going for a single sex flat. Can guarentee that I'll be the fat one/ will get put with someone who finds it funny to take other peoples food. Dad took my two brioche that I'd wanted to have for breakfast last Sat. Gets up, goes down for breakfast, brioche have gone. How do I respond to this? A black coffee, half a sugar and spending two hours in town.
    • #48
    #48

    Surprise weigh in at the doctors, lovely.
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    I'm SO chuffed with myself, gone 5 days eating 3 meals and 2 snacks a day and HAVEN'T purged.

    eeeeeeven with exams, going to try so hard to keep this up!
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    Oh my god Squiff, don't take this the wrong way but of the "regulars" to the forum, it was you I was sensing negativity from the past month, but this last wee stint? Good on ya!

    Mega proud, doesnt it feel good to be a normal human being, not an introverted, shell lurking away? Yazoooo! X
 
 
 
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