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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Oh my god Squiff, don't take this the wrong way but of the "regulars" to the forum, it was you I was sensing negativity from the past month, but this last wee stint? Good on ya!

    Mega proud, doesnt it feel good to be a normal human being, not an introverted, shell lurking away? Yazoooo! X
    Yeah, I have to say it feels bloody amazing!

    Feel like i'm taking the yeah i have problems but yeah i'm going to deal with them kind of approach. Even though exams have now begun, and i'm a tad underprepared :rolleyes: I'd say I feel so much better than I have in a long time.

    Getting help with stuff is helping, just feeling like you have support and someone to turn does lift the load a little.
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    I'm SO chuffed with myself, gone 5 days eating 3 meals and 2 snacks a day and HAVEN'T purged.

    eeeeeeven with exams, going to try so hard to keep this up!
    I'm so proud. -explodes with proudness- Rages at TSR cos it wont let me +rep you. AAaaand I'm off to study more chemistry.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    I'm so proud. -explodes with proudness- Rages at TSR cos it wont let me +rep you. AAaaand I'm off to study more chemistry.
    Awh thanks *hugs*

    Chemistry urghh, have fun with that!
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    Awh thanks *hugs*

    Chemistry urghh, have fun with that!
    Redox will KILL ME. HATE IT WITH A PASSION. Hate it about as much as I hate the scientific article for my bio exam.
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    (Original post by squiff93)
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    Yayyyy well done honey

    -------

    I told my mum the complete truth about my diagnosis and weight today. Overwhelmed at the support tbh, even if she did say some triggering stuff (like I shouldn't put on too much weight, only X much (which is still under). Awaiting blood test results - fingers crossed all is well =/ x

    Good luck to everyone having exams It's a pain, eh... got 3 more, but we can do this
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Yayyyy well done honey

    -------

    I told my mum the complete truth about my diagnosis and weight today. Overwhelmed at the support tbh, even if she did say some triggering stuff (like I shouldn't put on too much weight, only X much (which is still under). Awaiting blood test results - fingers crossed all is well =/ x

    Good luck to everyone having exams It's a pain, eh... got 3 more, but we can do this
    Perhaps it wasnt meant to be horrid, but in a putting on loads of weight is a massive change and I don't think I could deal with it sort of thing??
    I've phrased that badly. I KNOW
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    x
    Yeh she definitely meant it in a 'you can still be slim if you want to, just not this extreme' kind of way. I just want to make it clear to her that I don't want to know or care about my weight at all if possible. (Haven't decided how wise or realistic this is).
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Yeh she definitely meant it in a 'you can still be slim if you want to, just not this extreme' kind of way. I just want to make it clear to her that I don't want to know or care about my weight at all if possible. (Haven't decided how wise or realistic this is).
    I can see why you'd want to. You've spent so long obsessing over it, that you'd like to be 'free' from it and get to be you and enjoy life and stuff?
    • #82
    #82

    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    Yup. Hate the SNAB spec, seriously when you go through the orange textbook to make notes, theres been times where I've summarised two double pages in half a side of A4! I'm genuinely only doing A2 biology because I pretty much HAD to drop maths. Doesn't help that our teachers treat us like children, so making posters, cut and stick activities etc. We're 18 ffs!

    Uni wise: I regret letting dad force me into going for a single sex flat. Can guarentee that I'll be the fat one/ will get put with someone who finds it funny to take other peoples food. Dad took my two brioche that I'd wanted to have for breakfast last Sat. Gets up, goes down for breakfast, brioche have gone. How do I respond to this? A black coffee, half a sugar and spending two hours in town.
    The text book can be really poor, and why do they seem to try and hide the important information in pointless blocks of text? I can't wait to give up biology.

    I'm nervous about my accommodation choices too - I've gone for a shared room, and I'm catered. Idk, shared was cheaper and meant you got a nicer hall, but I'll freak out if the person I'm sharing with is thinner, and I now it's pathetic but I can't stop freaking out about it. And at the moment when I'm falling apart in tears all the time I don't know how I'll cope if there's someone sharing my room, and I haven't not counted calories in years, and there's no way I'll be able to estimate calories well in the catered food. I picked this accommodation when I was really determined to recover, but now I'm not sure whether it'll all be a bit much. I really don't want to go to uni freaking out about how many calories I'm consuming, it'll really ruin my time there .

    I guess it'll be a new start though, I'm hoping it'll be an opportunity for me to have a more positive attitude about food and weight, but with exams coming up my eatings totally screwed and I just can't see how I'll get out of this cycle before uni
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Yayyyy well done honey

    -------

    I told my mum the complete truth about my diagnosis and weight today. Overwhelmed at the support tbh, even if she did say some triggering stuff (like I shouldn't put on too much weight, only X much (which is still under). Awaiting blood test results - fingers crossed all is well =/ x

    Good luck to everyone having exams It's a pain, eh... got 3 more, but we can do this
    Thanks

    Thats good, support is good, I kind of wish I felt I could come clean with my mum I think it'd make things a lot easier when I'm back home if she understood properly what was going on.

    I have 3 more to and I don't finish till 7th June -_-
    Goodluck in your exams and blood tests!!

    x
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The text book can be really poor, and why do they seem to try and hide the important information in pointless blocks of text? I can't wait to give up biology.

    I'm nervous about my accommodation choices too - I've gone for a shared room, and I'm catered. Idk, shared was cheaper and meant you got a nicer hall, but I'll freak out if the person I'm sharing with is thinner, and I now it's pathetic but I can't stop freaking out about it. And at the moment when I'm falling apart in tears all the time I don't know how I'll cope if there's someone sharing my room, and I haven't not counted calories in years, and there's no way I'll be able to estimate calories well in the catered food. I picked this accommodation when I was really determined to recover, but now I'm not sure whether it'll all be a bit much. I really don't want to go to uni freaking out about how many calories I'm consuming, it'll really ruin my time there .

    I guess it'll be a new start though, I'm hoping it'll be an opportunity for me to have a more positive attitude about food and weight, but with exams coming up my eatings totally screwed and I just can't see how I'll get out of this cycle before uni
    Same. I'm only doing bio because I pretty much had to drop maths last year. Clearly my body doesnt obey this old 'You'll eat less if you have breakfast' rule. I have breakfast, I'll then eat anything i can get my hands on/ I get offered. I have a coffee, I'm perfectly content til lunch?!
    • #103
    #103

    I suppose by seeing other members posting their personal experiences of eating disorders has encouraged me to open up to others about it. Its rather a personal experience that nobody should ever have to deal ith, but if it'll help encourage others in any other similar position to seek help, guidance and support I feel I should share my experiences.

    Last year after receiving my A Levels, an A and two B's I was a little lost in which steps to take next. Id applied to Universities, got all my offers, done my finance and etc but I wasn't 'happy' with my University choices. Truth is, I hated all of them. And my college gave me the impression you HAD to go to University and if you didn't you were seen as some sort of failure with no future. After not finding another University to try out in clearing I had no other option but to take a year out. If I could change that now seriously, I would. This year has been the worse times of my life but on a more positive note its made me more understanding and supportive of others with such difficulties.

    At the beginning of my second year at college I decided to loose a bit of weight. Not a lot of weight, but enough for me to feel comfortable. To be honest, I was getting a little podgy and with Greggs right near college I couldn't resist the pasties... I decided to cut the pasties, chocs and cake (the worse migraine for 2 weeks, my G.O.D) and up my exercise.

    After FINALLY finding a job last year in October and redoing my University application for this year I finally thought things were on the up. But thats when it all changed. I became very isolated in my job, working behind a range of deli counters usually up to 40 hours a week, 2-10pm shifts, sometimes a 7am-2pm, 6am-1pm, no say in the matter with an unapproachable boss - treated like a spare part. It would seem that all us younger ones would have these rubbish shifts as we apparently didn't have families to see or a lift outside work. I never had the chance to see anyone.

    At the time as I was loosing weight still and starting the new job my weight dramatically decreased over the next two months. I was conscious of everything I ate, calorie and fat counting to the max and limiting my eating when I did eat. The sifts didn't exactly help either. Working till 10pm at night for example, how could I keep up a regular healthy eating pattern? My thoughts: Starve. And, for example, the fact a pizza would be cooked every hour for taste testing for the customers and ourselves admittedly made me feel sick. A few weeks ago I was practically forced fed a slice by the older staff. That was pretty traumatic

    Around Christmas time I forced myself off to the doctors as since beginning work my 'regulars' stopped. After a mammoth of blood tests theres something wrong with my liver. They ask, hows your appetite and eating? My reply, yeah fine, i was scared to admit I had a problem.

    About two months ago after another late shift at work I just cracked. I got on the bus home and just... broke down; I was an utter, utter mess. I went to the doctors bravely the next morning, after much persuasion from my parents, to admit about my mood. Depression. Antidepressents. Came out the surgery and tears and what should happen? Oh, walked in to one of my co workers from behind the deli counter. Straight outside the doctors office. Couldn't have happened at a better time And then after being on the pills for like, 3 days, work rang to see if I was indeed actually ill S we had a meeting, me on my own with all the departments bosses - making a fool of myself because I broke down again and... I wanted my mum to be in the meeting with me, just for support. But, oh no company policy, us workers can't have support in the meeting. And they wernt particularly nice to me - also, the fact Id hardly slept/eaten since being on the pills didn't help either. And worse of all, it was my 19th birthday.

    Ive been off work now for about 2 months with the depression and anorexia, i finally opened up about my anorexia about a month ago as my weight and bmi is the lowest it has ever been. Even though it hasn't been that long since opening up about the anorexia in a way it felt like a huge relief off my shoulders - just admitting it is the first step and it becomes so much better. I'm still determined to go to Uni in September, a fresh new start and start completely over. I hoping that I will be well enough to at least try - no way am I doing this year again, not a chance in hell.

    However, on a brighter note, i had my very first breakfast in about 3 years this morning. Partly forced, can't help but feel guiltily about it, but I ate! Rather EXCITING!
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    Hi there. :hello: Never posted in this thread before (although I'm hoping I might know a few of you if there are any regulars from the mental health forum in general), but I've had some problems with eating on and off for quite a while now (very dependant on my depression, which is my main mental illness), and I thought getting some viewpoints from people in here might be a good idea for me. I can't say I'm particularly knowledgeable about eating disorders (please let me know if I have or end up posting something not generally acceptable to write about on this thread), or even if many of my symptoms coincide with the usual ones, but I know that definitely some stuff isn't right. Made a post the other day in the depression society about some of the eating-related stuff I've got going on now or that happened in the past, so I'd be grateful for any opinions.



    "Hmm, starting to look like eating problems are making a comeback. Didn't eat much yesterday, and not planning to today, despite an improvement when my friend started staying with me. Could anybody take a look at the stuff I've experienced in the past and give any comments (the only time I had professionals semi-properly look at this was when I was in hospital for a couple of months, but they never told me if they reached any kind of conclusion or diagnosis, and besides I think the notes from that time got lost)?

    Unsure if people with EDs would want to read this (nothing graphic, mention of BMI figures or anything though)

    Sometimes, for just a few days up to maybe six months at a time (very unusual for it to last that long) I basically just don't eat, or eat practically nothing. The amount I have in a day could be absolutely nothing, or a couple of biscuits, or on a less bad day the equivalent of say a piece of fruit and a sandwich. I get various and sometimes conflicting thoughts or ideas associated with this. Some of them:

    - guilt if I do eat/sense of victory if I don't, but then more rarely I'll feel proud of myself for managing to eat something proper
    - need to hide eating habits - lying to either over or under-exaggerate how much I've had, and feeling very uncomfortable with eating in the same room as someone else
    - no delusions about being fat - the majority of the time I'm slightly underweight and know it - but sometimes feel satisfaction at the thought of losing weight and becoming more unhealthy, maybe even managing to disappear altogether (this feeling can be particularly persistent)
    - avoiding certain types of food, e.g. that I mustn't eat anything low-fat (weird, I know ), or feeling that one type of food is more 'allowed', like say biscuits (dunno if I'd even be alive without biscuits )
    - when people try and force/beg me to eat just feel completely hopeless - I remember sitting at a table in hospital crying when faced with a plate of food - the fork felt impossibly heavy in my hand, I started feeling dizzy, but with no insight into why I couldn't just put the food into my mouth and eat it
    - sense that whatever was stopping me eating wasn't part of me - something else lurking in my brain or an external force

    Sometimes this just goes on for a few days or a week, and the more serious feelings don't have time to develop, but others it just gets worse and worse over months, and I don't get dragged out of it until there's a strong external change - a big and positive change in living circumstances say, or in hospital it was when I started on olanzapine it just seemed to clear my thoughts and I could eat again.


    So any thoughts? I'm planning on mentioning this to the psychiatrist, especially if it continues, but with so much other major stuff going on I don't know that he'd see it as being such high priority."
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    I can't go to gym today and experiencing guilt for it because need to do revision/seeing grandparents later and wanted some advice on whether it was OK yet even the bloody health+fitness sticky's ignoring me now and it's as if I'm making excuses and need to "man up" and I hate it when people ignore me and I have parts of a slice of bread lodged down my throat from a near-binge because this is what happens when scared and I'm gonna rupture my oesophagus if this carries on and if I lose my voice I'llc ry because singing gives me release but WHY WILL NO-ONE ANSWER if someone bloody answered I would not now feel like I'm choking omg
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    (Original post by Riku)
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    I can't go to gym today and experiencing guilt for it because need to do revision/seeing grandparents later and wanted some advice on whether it was OK yet even the bloody health+fitness sticky's ignoring me now and it's as if I'm making excuses and need to "man up" and I hate it when people ignore me and I have parts of a slice of bread lodged down my throat from a near-binge because this is what happens when scared and I'm gonna rupture my oesophagus if this carries on and if I lose my voice I'llc ry because singing gives me release but WHY WILL NO-ONE ANSWER if someone bloody answered I would not now feel like I'm choking omg
    Firstly, I am giving you a virtual cuddle because I wish there was somebody who could give you a REAL one. Take some deep breaths, put on some happy music, have a dance around your room (this might be ridiculous advice but it always makes me feel better). Even though you have revision to do, go for a quick walk or something - revision won't be effective anyway if you're stressing out so much about something else. If you're worried about binging, drink lots of water or get a cup of tea or something so you have something to do.

    Secondly...it's cool not to go to the gym every day! Our bodies NEED rest in order for us to make any progress through exercise, it's actually counter-productive to work out every day. So instead of seeing today as a missed opportunity, see it as a great opportunity for your body to repair itself and grow stronger so that next time you go to the gym you'll be even stronger/fitter/faster. You don't have to feel like you're making excuses, YOU know what's best for your body, not anyone on an internet fitness forum. In my experience people on the fitness pages are usually totally over the top/full of 'bro science'. So instead of basing your self-worth on what they do or don't have to say to justify your actions, just relax and remember that one day without exercise is not going to make you ten pounds heavier or far less fit when you wake up tomorrow.

    Remember how much you love singing and how determined that makes you to beat this stupid illness. We all need that kind of driving force behind us and now that you've identified what yours is, remember it, all the time, every time you want to binge or purge or starve or over-exercise or whatever, remember the reason why you have to press on and get better.

    We're all behind you!
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    (Original post by Riku)
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    I can't go to gym today and experiencing guilt for it because need to do revision/seeing grandparents later and wanted some advice on whether it was OK yet even the bloody health+fitness sticky's ignoring me now and it's as if I'm making excuses and need to "man up" and I hate it when people ignore me and I have parts of a slice of bread lodged down my throat from a near-binge because this is what happens when scared and I'm gonna rupture my oesophagus if this carries on and if I lose my voice I'llc ry because singing gives me release but WHY WILL NO-ONE ANSWER if someone bloody answered I would not now feel like I'm choking omg
    -hugging.- It's completely fine not to go every day, actually, isnt that what you're supposed to do, or atleast work a particular part of the body alternate days so that they get a chance to recover? You definately sound in need of a massive cup of tea/ long walk with your ipod/ an episode of a really trashy TV programme.
    YOU CAN DO THIS RIKU, I want this thread full off 'Hell YEAH, IMMA GOING TO UNI' glee on results day. If I can go from a C at AS, to an A overall at A level in german not feeling completely out of reach, despite Sir thinking that I can't, you can do ANYTHING.
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    I really feel so so determined to get better now. I've never wanted so much to just be healthy. Physically I am far healthier than I have been in a long time although I still struggle to eat what I'm told I should. I think actually being a bit better-nourished has finally allowed my brain to kind of snap back to reality and flag up all the psychologically unhealthy behaviours I have. While I still have all those thoughts at least I'm now able to separate 'real me' from 'anorexic me' so that I'm aware of what's rational and irrational.

    I think the real turning point has been that I've gotten so much more into running and fitness over the last few months. I could definitely be accused of 'over-exercising' and people (especially my male friends, interestingly) still think I'm exercising to lose weight/burn calories, I'm actually not. While I still want to perfect my body, I want very different things now to what I used to want. I'm replacing bones with muscles. I want to get stronger, not weaker. I'm doing Race for Life in June and while it's only 5k it'll be a massive '**** you' to anorexia because at my worst, I didn't even have the energy to roll over in bed. I feel like I actually want to take care of my body and make it the best it can be. It also makes me feel like I 'deserve' food more, and although that could be percieved as unhealthy ED feelings, I actually think it's more like me giving my body what it needs to achieve what I want to. That's happening in small steps at the moment, but it's happening.

    This may be too much information, but it has been years since I've had a period and I want to use that as a benchmark in my recovery. I don't think I want children but I'm still undecided, and I don't want to get to the situation where I've met the man I want to marry and I have to tell him 'by the way I can't have children'. I don't want the last five years of this stupid illness to dictate the way the rest of my life is going to go. And unless I start changing things now it's just going to drag on and on and on and five years will become ten will become twenty and then I'll be dead. So it's time to do it now.
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    (Original post by sentiment)
    Firstly, I am giving you a virtual cuddle because I wish there was somebody who could give you a REAL one. Take some deep breaths, put on some happy music, have a dance around your room (this might be ridiculous advice but it always makes me feel better). Even though you have revision to do, go for a quick walk or something - revision won't be effective anyway if you're stressing out so much about something else. If you're worried about binging, drink lots of water or get a cup of tea or something so you have something to do.

    Secondly...it's cool not to go to the gym every day! Our bodies NEED rest in order for us to make any progress through exercise, it's actually counter-productive to work out every day. So instead of seeing today as a missed opportunity, see it as a great opportunity for your body to repair itself and grow stronger so that next time you go to the gym you'll be even stronger/fitter/faster. You don't have to feel like you're making excuses, YOU know what's best for your body, not anyone on an internet fitness forum. In my experience people on the fitness pages are usually totally over the top/full of 'bro science'. So instead of basing your self-worth on what they do or don't have to say to justify your actions, just relax and remember that one day without exercise is not going to make you ten pounds heavier or far less fit when you wake up tomorrow.

    Remember how much you love singing and how determined that makes you to beat this stupid illness. We all need that kind of driving force behind us and now that you've identified what yours is, remember it, all the time, every time you want to binge or purge or starve or over-exercise or whatever, remember the reason why you have to press on and get better.

    We're all behind you!
    I haven't been in 4 days though. I used to do every day and ended up going through injury, now it's like 2 or 3 times a week ha with some different activities other days e.g. long walks, drums, swimming, but it feels really unnatural and wrong still. Like you, still feel like it's better to "earn" the meals through a workout at this stage. And actually the fitness thread on here are really quite nice, understanding and down-to-earth I hope it's not they feel too uncomfy trying to help me out...Tbh, it's a huge thing for me, always asking someone else's opinion rather than making my own mind up. I'm just so scared to actually have that chocie, that sense of control over my lfie, I guess. Completely agree with the random dancing in the room though
    I think it might help for me to explain that I don't think it's just health anxiety, because I keep getting written off by the docs in some form or another,
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    and I think when I mentioned about cramming food down my throat when I'm stressed, they might have thought it was only a figure of speech. Maybe just panic, but it's getting harder to swallow. Ow

    Massive hugs for Gran and Granddad ^ ^
    Thank you. Sounds like you're doing amazing too, Sentiment!
    :hugs:
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    (Original post by Riku)
    I haven't been in 4 days though. I used to do every day and ended up going through injury, now it's like 2 or 3 times a week ha with some different activities other days e.g. long walks, drums, swimming, but it feels really unnatural and wrong still. And actually the fitness thread on here are really quite nice and understanding, I hope it's not they feel too uncomfy trying to help me out...Tbh, it's a huge thing for me, always asking someone else's opinion rather than making my own mind up. I'm just so scared to actually have that chocie, that sense of control over my lfie, I guess. Completely agree with the random dancing in the room though
    I think it might help for me to explain that I don't think it's just health anxiety, because I keep getting written off by the docs in some form or another,
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    and I think when I mentioned about cramming food down my throat when I'm stressed, they might have thought it was only a figure of speech. Maybe just panic, but it's getting harder to swallow. Ow

    Thank you :hugs:
    I would say two or three times a week with walks or whatever on other days sounds absolutely ideal. CUDDLE CUDDLE CUDDLE. Make sure you have fun with your grandparents! Make sure you don't leave without at least five hugs from each of them. I mean it, now.
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    (Original post by Riku)
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    I can't go to gym today and experiencing guilt for it because need to do revision/seeing grandparents later and wanted some advice on whether it was OK yet even the bloody health+fitness sticky's ignoring me now and it's as if I'm making excuses and need to "man up" and I hate it when people ignore me and I have parts of a slice of bread lodged down my throat from a near-binge because this is what happens when scared and I'm gonna rupture my oesophagus if this carries on and if I lose my voice I'llc ry because singing gives me release but WHY WILL NO-ONE ANSWER if someone bloody answered I would not now feel like I'm choking omg
    Riku close your eyes, ground yourself and breathe. Snow and sentiment are right -it's not an equation, you are not a machine. Things will change and if you don't feel like working out or it just doesn't happen today, or tomorrow, or you chill for a week and recoup - nothing bad will happen. It's ok to listen to yourself sometimes and not put this sort of pressure on yourself xx
 
 
 
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