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    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    ED dreams are the worse because they kinda reinforce the idea that you're completely crazy (or for me they do) and then they just ruin an otherwise stress-free day

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    I always have re-occuring dreams that I've completely relapsed and am being forced to eat chicken for some reason (weird as I've been veggie for eight years, almost the same amount of time I've had an ED)... It doesn't help that in my dreams I'm still at my smallest weight so a sick part of me wishes these dreams were reality.


    Also, UGH I have another stomach bug! On friday night I went out and had a heart to heart with a friend about how I'm gaining closure with my recovery and now care about being healthy rather than thin (well on good days I do) and then on sunday I woke up throwing up with the most awful stomach cramps. Why doesn't my body want me to be healthy? Ugh, I was ill less frequently when I was starving myself.
    -hug- Hope you're okay and that this godawful stomach bug clears off soon.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    -hug- Hope you're okay and that this godawful stomach bug clears off soon.
    -hugs- Thanks. I hope your exams are going all right!
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    (Original post by LaBelleEtLeBete)
    -hugs- Thanks. I hope your exams are going all right!
    German was rediculously triggering. Could only have been worse had it involved numbers. Chemistry went well, I think... Next exam isnt until the 15th, which is nice.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    German was rediculously triggering. Could only have been worse had it involved numbers. Chemistry went well, I think... Next exam isnt until the 15th, which is nice.
    You'll do great! Just remember to relax as well as revise
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    Something interesting to consider.

    Regardless of age the human brain, to function, requires between 510 and 580 calories a day to function ALONE. That means you need to eat at least this per day for your brain to even work beyond basic motor functions (cerebellum is your "subconscious" brain alongside the medulla). On top of this, your liver and kidneys use about 200(ish). That is, to process and filtrate out bad stuff. The body uses these as primary outputs. That means before your lungs, heart, intestines, muscles, skin, hair, ANYTHING is assigned calorie energy for the day, your body already needs like 800 calories.

    To be able.... To think. Costs 800 kcal. To THINK.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Something interesting to consider.

    Regardless of age the human brain, to function, requires between 510 and 580 calories a day to function ALONE. That means you need to eat at least this per day for your brain to even work beyond basic motor functions (cerebellum is your "subconscious" brain alongside the medulla). On top of this, your liver and kidneys use about 200(ish). That is, to process and filtrate out bad stuff. The body uses these as primary outputs. That means before your lungs, heart, intestines, muscles, skin, hair, ANYTHING is assigned calorie energy for the day, your body already needs like 800 calories.

    To be able.... To think. Costs 800 kcal. To THINK.
    Idk I felt like functioned reasonably (in the context of very low calorie intake and being unhealthy in general obviously) ok on that amount a day and lower. I suppose science is science though, its very possible I could have been deluding myself into thinking I was fine.

    You're right it is interesting though.
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    (Original post by kikukaede)
    Idk I felt like functioned reasonably (in the context of very low calorie intake and being unhealthy in general obviously) ok on that amount a day and lower. I suppose science is science though, its very possible I could have been deluding myself into thinking I was fine.

    You're right it is interesting though.
    Without appearing condescending, I can assure you that the "functioning" you refer to is most likely a big portion of reliance on the disorder, a subset of rituals and habits that effectively places you on autopilot.

    "I could still live my disordered life eating 500 cals a day" is pretty much "my body did what the ED Programmed it to... I was an automaton but I still managed ok".

    I know because I was there at one point and I cant remember being able to distinguish one day from another... They all just melded into one continuous, repetitive routine...
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    Note to self- going through old facebook photos is ridiculously triggering.

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    It's only in the past few months that I've realised how thin I actually was... Because though the doctors were telling me that my BMI was dangerously low, people at school were remarking on the fact that I looked like a drug addict, I was wearing my ten year old sister's clothing, I never really believed that I was thin... I always thought I was bigger than average.
    But god, the sick part of me wishes I was still that thin, that I'd been able to maintain my ED for longer. STUPID THOUGHTS. If I had 'maintained' my ED I wouldn't have a future, wouldn't have anything.
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    Im the same, Belle. I am now borderline healthy bmi and tell myself, I'm as fat as a Walrus Truck; thing is, what am
    I judging myself against? A version of myself the doctors said had "up to two weeks to live."

    Yeah. Kinda puts things in perspective.

    Which is worse? A still ill mind who believes 8 and a half stone to be obese on himself but utterly wafer-thin on others, and judges himself harshly,

    Or...

    A still ill mind inside a skull, dormant inside a coffin.
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    Belle, Toto...I think that's something I need to remember now too. I'm finding it incredible difficult to break out of the cycle at the moment but if I genuinely consider what the alternative is...there IS no alternative. I would just get sicker and sicker and **** up my body even more than I have already and all the things and the people I love would gradually be taken away from me again. I've always told myself I won't die like this but I will eventually if I don't get my act together.

    Surely that is motivation enough?
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Without appearing condescending, I can assure you that the "functioning" you refer to is most likely a big portion of reliance on the disorder, a subset of rituals and habits that effectively places you on autopilot.

    "I could still live my disordered life eating 500 cals a day" is pretty much "my body did what the ED Programmed it to... I was an automaton but I still managed ok".

    I know because I was there at one point and I cant remember being able to distinguish one day from another... They all just melded into one continuous, repetitive routine...
    Idk no one really noticed any difference in my personality and I was still able to do any of my hobbies that I wanted (watchin animes, gaming, reading etc).

    It probably effects different people in different ways.
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    (Original post by kikukaede)
    x
    (like toto I also don't mean to sound like i'm having a go) but...

    (contains calories and a general ramble but nothing triggering IMO)
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    I always functioned at 500 calories most days (with the very occasional binge and week or two of eating ok every once in a while) ... I completed my first year of uni (very successfully), done tonnes of new things, met new people, got in a relationship and made friends.

    I also ruined my hormones, immune system and menstrual cycle, forgot how to do anything spontaneous, worried my family to death, and programmed my mind with destructive coping mechanisms that (as we all know) will be there tempting us for a very long time. Possibly the most sad thing of all, is that I could have been appreciating all the new experiences I was having, but instead I was obsessed with keeping my routine and staying 'safe'.

    I don't think it's going to do anyone any good idealising or regretting the past. It is what is is and the only way is forward.


    This is completely just my opinion though I don't wanna sound like a know it all haha. Sometimes times of clarity need to be seized :P

    Edit: Oh and also, i've found that it's helped me a lot to idealize something harmless (rather than weight loss) as a distraction. Like, i'm working on my piano playing and composing which would be a nice part of my identity to rely on rather than being ill. Like toto with his gaming and animation stuff (which is awesome :P )
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    It's took a while for me to realise to get fitter and stronger, actually, I need to eat more-and namely not worry about exactly what I'm eating too much either (as well as manage stress better e.g. get enough sleep, which I'm getting a lot better at prioritising.) I'm actually quite glad to do this soemtimes, and the benefits are starting to show. Whether gaining through mainly slow bulk and re-starting training is complete recovery, I'm not yet certain.
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    The fact I'm not really sure whether a cheese sandwich is allowed on a bulking diet which so often seems to be based around chicken and rice opens up the same old can of worms. And now we've ran out of bread so it's crackers, I'm going to the gym fuelled on cheese and crackers. I'd get laughed at by the muscle-building society for this diet which is the sad thing

    But I'm really starting to understand why my dietician said BMI 20 should be the minimum benchmark for anyone striving to lead an active lifestyle.

    One huge physical bug-bear though (there's enough thoughts and feelings getting in the way). I'm still convinced I've become glucose intolerant/going diabetic from my overeating and binging, and knowing everything I eat doesn't help. This has treached the point yesterday was entirely 'clean' until we'd gone out for dinner for Mum's birthday, and one glass of Peroni destroyed me. I managed to eat it all (three courses) but everything was blurry and I became confused/dizzy. I really don't remember much of the conversation
    Could be the heat or I'm knocked out by a single beer these days, or exam stress (but I wasn't feeling particualrly stressed by exams when there ). It could be something really trivial. Yet I've decided it was a sign I was going diabetic from ODing on carbs etc. etc.. This was added by the fact I'd been sedentary all of yesterday (bar an intense drum sesh) and had a fairly large meal for lunch anyway...although was clearly hungry by the time the meal came round! (which, surely, would indicate increasing insulin sensitivity)
    How can this be explained? This has never happened until recently, and one day should not do that. At 19 I shouldn't be getting any symptoms of pre-diabetes and the like I don't want to have to low-carb everything on the basis of omething which could just be stress and overanalysis.

    Nor do I see why friends and family can eat lots of snacks and treats fairly absent-mindedly, or drink, and it doesn't hit them. Partly because they're blessed by either not knowing, not caring, or knowing and caring without worrying, which I can't do.
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    Or that they didn't go out some days to go destroy their system, because 'course there's the chance that about 6 months of sugar sprees and particularly that last 8000 cal-odd binge have just royally ****ed my insulin and this is my lifetime punishment for so much self-abuse

    It's plain...unfair! Pathetic to say considering what I've put my parents through, but that's how I feel. And I realise I blamed myself for being who I am by binges, or restriction.
    If I'm honest, it's one of my biggest risk factors for relapse. It's my own biggest moment of my body working against me and saying 'things were better when you were ill'. Surely not eating means balancing blood sugars, right? (and then end up going hypoglycaemic again yayyy, logic fail).
    This further exacerbates the already huge problem of can I stop having to pay attention to everything I think and everything my body does and just get on with my life and being myself already? K thx.

    Sorry for the rant. Guess I'm really annoyed by getting slapped in the face by our own bodies when doing our best to be good to ourselves too.
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    Hey Guys,

    Just wanting some advice. Has anyone experienced (if you currently recieve treatment) having to move your treatment for an eating disorder from one city to another, in the case of moving to uni? It seems to be that they can't just transfer my case over and that i will have to start the referral process all over again (and we all know how long that can take sometimes) once i am registered at a gp in that city. After having 9 months of dedicated support here, it has made me very anxious that i may have to go a couple of months at uni without the one on one support. I am very mindful of the fact that the stress of moving and change can be a trigger.

    Can anyone help?

    Thankyou

    xx
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    (Original post by Riku)
    It's took a while for me to realise to get fitter and stronger, actually, I need to eat more-and namely not worry about exactly what I'm eating too much either (as well as manage stress better e.g. get enough sleep, which I'm getting a lot better at prioritising.) I'm actually quite glad to do this soemtimes, and the benefits are starting to show. Whether gaining through mainly slow bulk and re-starting training is complete recovery, I'm not yet certain. But I'm really starting to understand why my dietician said BMI 20 should be the minimum benchmark for anyone striving to lead an active lifestyle.

    One huge physical bug-bear though (there's enough thoughts and feelings getting in the way). I'm still convinced I've become glucose intolerant/going diabetic from my overeating and binging, and knowing everything I eat doesn't help. This has treached the point yesterday was entirely 'clean' until we'd gone out for dinner for Mum's birthday, and one glass of Peroni destroyed me. I managed to eat it all (three courses) but everything was blurry and I became confused/dizzy. I really don't remember much of the conversation
    Could be the heat or I'm knocked out by a single beer these days, or exam stress (but I wasn't feeling particualrly stressed by exams when there ). It could be something really trivial. Yet I've decided it was a sign I was going diabetic from ODing on carbs etc. etc.. This was added by the fact I'd been sedentary all of yesterday (bar an intense drum sesh) and had a fairly large meal for lunch anyway...although was clearly hungry by the time the meal came round! (which, surely, would indicate increasing insulin sensitivity)
    How can this be explained? This has never happened until recently, and one day should not do that. At 19 I shouldn't be getting any symptoms of pre-diabetes and the like I don't want to have to low-carb everything on the basis of omething which could just be stress and overanalysis.

    Nor do I see why friends and family can eat lots of snacks and treats fairly absent-mindedly, or drink, and it doesn't hit them. Partly because they're blessed by either not knowing, not caring, or knowing and caring without worrying, which I can't do.
    Spoiler:
    Show

    Or that they didn't go out some days to go destroy their system, because 'course there's the chance that about 6 months of sugar sprees and particularly that last 8000 cal-odd binge have just royally ****ed my insulin and this is my lifetime punishment for so much self-abuse

    It's plain...unfair! Pathetic to say considering what I've put my parents through, but that's how I feel. And I realise I blamed myself for being who I am by binges, or restriction.
    If I'm honest, it's one of my biggest risk factors for relapse. It's my own biggest moment of my body working against me and saying 'things were better when you were ill'. Surely not eating means balancing blood sugars, right? (and then end up going hypoglycaemic again yayyy, logic fail).
    This further exacerbates the already huge problem of can I stop having to pay attention to everything I think and everything my body does and just get on with my life and being myself already? K thx.

    Sorry for the rant. Guess I'm really annoyed by getting slapped in the face by our own bodies when doing our best to be good to ourselves too.
    It's not uncommon during and just after recovery to have massive glycemic curves, don't worry. Diabetes is a totally different ball game. After recovery a person can become glucose sensitive, and yes a history of eating disorders increases risk of diabetes in the long term, but what you are describing is simply your body getting used to things again. I know WHILST recovering I was showing certain diabetic traits but they disappeared a few months later. Your body went into a state where it wasn't releasing a lot of insulin to a state where it is releasing a normal amounts again. There will be an adjustment period. The binges simply exasperate an already self evident problem.

    But don't worry man. You be cool. Don't jump the gun and you'll be fine.

    (Original post by natalie122)
    Hey Guys,

    Just wanting some advice. Has anyone experienced (if you currently recieve treatment) having to move your treatment for an eating disorder from one city to another, in the case of moving to uni? It seems to be that they can't just transfer my case over and that i will have to start the referral process all over again (and we all know how long that can take sometimes) once i am registered at a gp in that city. After having 9 months of dedicated support here, it has made me very anxious that i may have to go a couple of months at uni without the one on one support. I am very mindful of the fact that the stress of moving and change can be a trigger.

    Can anyone help?

    Thankyou

    xx
    I actually asked my therapist a while back about this. You need to go through the referral scheme again, but as you already have been diagnosed psychiatrically the waiting time is cut significantly. Tell the GP exactly what you want, the main issue that people face in these instances is the fact that GP's don't really know that much about ED's. I still remember when I first went to one about the ED he referred me, but gave me a talk about doughnuts and how they aren't out to kill me. I laugh, but twas strange. Another GP gave me advise that was completely off (Hard exercise when still BMI 17 and near dangerous potassium levels), but he was old and is now retired so let sleeping dogs lie.



    Personal Note:

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    Getting really excited and really nervous about Uni in October now. I made a pact in my head to not actively try and lose weight until minimum 1 year after BMI 20 and it so happens to be... October. I stop myself currently slipping by whispering that to myself but I worry about being in a new environment when the mental safety net also flies. I'm hoping nothing bad comes of it, but from what I've heard in the first term of a nutrition course you are expected to keep a food diary for a week (massively bad for me) and it's not unusual for people to lose a little weight when studying it due to 'truth behind food' and... euch.

    I really want to do it, but paranoia and all.
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    Belle, Toto and Sentiment: It's natural. At a healthy BMI and having been recovered for 2 years, I feel ridiculously obese at times. I don't think that will ever really leave me, or you guys either. But remember that what we compare ourselves to is NOT healthy or safe at all. Our lives are much better now, even if we do feel fat sometimes. We are healthy and we are able to function normally without being entirely dependent on anyone/anything. We are in control of our lives, more so than when we were in the depths of our ED. x

    Riku: don't worry. I'm sure the thing with the Peroni was because you've just recovered. You have done some damage to your body throughout your ED and afterwards, your alcohol tolerance is rubbish. I went from being the girl who could polish off 15 vodka-cokes in a night pre-ED to not being able to handle a glass of wine after recovering! x
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Belle, Toto and Sentiment: It's natural. At a healthy BMI and having been recovered for 2 years, I feel ridiculously obese at times. I don't think that will ever really leave me, or you guys either. But remember that what we compare ourselves to is NOT healthy or safe at all. Our lives are much better now, even if we do feel fat sometimes. We are healthy and we are able to function normally without being entirely dependent on anyone/anything. We are in control of our lives, more so than when we were in the depths of our ED. x

    Riku: don't worry. I'm sure the thing with the Peroni was because you've just recovered. You have done some damage to your body throughout your ED and afterwards, your alcohol tolerance is rubbish. I went from being the girl who could polish off 15 vodka-cokes in a night pre-ED to not being able to handle a glass of wine after recovering! x
    Wow. At both your tolerance for alcohol beforehand and the difference afterwards.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    Wow. At both your tolerance for alcohol beforehand and the difference afterwards.
    Haha thanks! Taken me 2 years to get back to being able to handle what I used to/be able to mix drinks etc. There is a future for a high alcohol tolerance after an ED, it just takes time lol x
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    (like toto I also don't mean to sound like i'm having a go) but...

    (contains calories and a general ramble but nothing triggering IMO)
    Spoiler:
    Show

    I always functioned at 500 calories most days (with the very occasional binge and week or two of eating ok every once in a while) ... I completed my first year of uni (very successfully), done tonnes of new things, met new people, got in a relationship and made friends.

    I also ruined my hormones, immune system and menstrual cycle, forgot how to do anything spontaneous, worried my family to death, and programmed my mind with destructive coping mechanisms that (as we all know) will be there tempting us for a very long time. Possibly the most sad thing of all, is that I could have been appreciating all the new experiences I was having, but instead I was obsessed with keeping my routine and staying 'safe'.

    I don't think it's going to do anyone any good idealising or regretting the past. It is what is is and the only way is forward.


    This is completely just my opinion though I don't wanna sound like a know it all haha. Sometimes times of clarity need to be seized :P

    Edit: Oh and also, i've found that it's helped me a lot to idealize something harmless (rather than weight loss) as a distraction. Like, i'm working on my piano playing and composing which would be a nice part of my identity to rely on rather than being ill. Like toto with his gaming and animation stuff (which is awesome :P )
    I wasn't idealising the past of those habits by saying I was fine during them... I was just saying that in my case, I didn't feel it effected it me that much. None of the above happened to me. Just because you had a different experience doesn't mean that I'm lying/mistaken/deluded about about what I experienced.

    Also, wasn't trying to put having a low calorie diet into a positive or 'acceptable' light, obviously it is very destructive in the long term. Just wasn't (for me, imo) at the time.
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Haha thanks! Taken me 2 years to get back to being able to handle what I used to/be able to mix drinks etc. There is a future for a high alcohol tolerance after an ED, it just takes time lol x
    I suppose going from 15 voddy and cokes before being drunk, to being Oh ****. I'm really really tipsy after a glass of wine did make your nights out cheap? Ball on friday, should be a laugh.
 
 
 
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