Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
x Turn on thread page Beta

Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

    • #106
    #106

    I'm sorry if this may seem triggery or anything, I apologise.
    I never feel worthy of being diagnosed as anorexic. Whenever you see programmes or read articles, or even people's recovery stories, they always seem to have been hospitalised and were really low. I always felt like a fake. Like I don't really have a problem because I only went through out-patient therapy and never got seriously ill. I try to rationalise this with myself because I know it's stupid and my BMI was down to 15 but I still never felt like I deserved it. I just feel if people knew they would look at me and think 'Yeah ok, keep telling yourself you had anorexia, but you really didn't. You're not ill. You look normal. Stop dramatising everything.'
    Even when I was at therapy and I'd see some of the inpatients who were wheel chair bound and it's not that I wanted to be like them but I could see them looking at me and thinking 'Who does she think she is, she's not got a problem. She's a pathetic excuse.' I'd never be one of those stories you'd hear about because people would say 'Did you have to go into hospital? No, oh, well it obviously wasn't bad then.'
    And it's stupid because the last two years have been a living hell but I just I don't know. I'm sorry.
    • #108
    #108

    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    x
    (Original post by Cinnie)
    x
    Thank you guys.

    I'm scared about going to see my GP. I've never got on well with any of them and this seems like such a personal issue that I can't bear the idea of going and them being sniffy and unhelpful with me like they have been in the past. I'm also scared they'll say there's nothing wrong with me (I don't think I'm underweight) although I know my eating is definately disordered. My family are incredibly old fashioned and don't 'believe' in anorexia and I think going to my GP is frightening as it's finally admitting the problem publically. Right now I want to believe I can manage this on my own - and I used to think I could, but as each day passes, I'm beginning to see I probably can't...

    Spoiler:
    Show
    Last night I couldn't sleep. I got myself all worked up about what I could eat today and got myself into such a state about breakfast that I didn't sleep until past 3, and I had to be up at 6. So stupid. I started the day well too, and even chose cake over an apple at lunch, but I just ruined it by throwing away half my tea. I'm so angry at myself. I spent the whole day freezing at work in my too big uniform wishing I could be like the healthy, big people - so why did I throw food away? It makes no sense! I work in healthcare, yet I'm doing this to myself...again, senseless! Ahh!


    Thank you all for your help. There are amazing people on this thread. Absolutely amazing.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I never feel worthy of being diagnosed as anorexic.
    I 100% also feel like that. I guess that's all part of it though - the internal dialogue of not feeling good enough, 'sick' enough, thin enough etc. x
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by beebie)
    I 100% also feel like that. I guess that's all part of it though - the internal dialogue of not feeling good enough, 'sick' enough, thin enough etc. x
    Same. At my worst I would have met all but 2 diagnostic criteria for AN, had I been dragged to the doctors. Still didn't think I had a problem...
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    does anyone feel uncomfortable when the conversation topic is on food and/or diet? How do you deal with it?

    Also, how do you deal with people who make jibes (undeliberately)?
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by cowsforsale)
    does anyone feel uncomfortable when the conversation topic is on food and/or diet? How do you deal with it?

    Also, how do you deal with people who make jibes (undeliberately)?
    Yes. I don't. Lets just say I can't eat downstairs if biggest loser is on. Can't be downstairs if Supersize vs Superskinny is on. Hated the last 4 weeks of biology lessons because they were to do with our scientific article, which is about AN/the media.
    • #109
    #109

    Hey

    I'm a guy of normal weight and even though i know for a fact i have a healthy body fat percentage i always look at myself and see a really fat person. I see myself and want to lose more weight.

    I've lost 2stone ish in the last few months. Sitting at around 11stone atm and i think i look even fatter now than before sometimes. I know i don't as there are pictures where i looka lot better/thinner but at other times i hate my own body.

    Also, sometimes i obsess over my food. I've got better and relaxed it over the last 2 weeks since i told someone irl but it's still tough and people i know in real life can be mean about it without even realising.
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you guys.

    I'm scared about going to see my GP. I've never got on well with any of them and this seems like such a personal issue that I can't bear the idea of going and them being sniffy and unhelpful with me like they have been in the past. I'm also scared they'll say there's nothing wrong with me (I don't think I'm underweight) although I know my eating is definately disordered. My family are incredibly old fashioned and don't 'believe' in anorexia and I think going to my GP is frightening as it's finally admitting the problem publically. Right now I want to believe I can manage this on my own - and I used to think I could, but as each day passes, I'm beginning to see I probably can't...

    Spoiler:
    Show
    Last night I couldn't sleep. I got myself all worked up about what I could eat today and got myself into such a state about breakfast that I didn't sleep until past 3, and I had to be up at 6. So stupid. I started the day well too, and even chose cake over an apple at lunch, but I just ruined it by throwing away half my tea. I'm so angry at myself. I spent the whole day freezing at work in my too big uniform wishing I could be like the healthy, big people - so why did I throw food away? It makes no sense! I work in healthcare, yet I'm doing this to myself...again, senseless! Ahh!


    Thank you all for your help. There are amazing people on this thread. Absolutely amazing.
    The first step is the hardest, I believe in you as do many others here :hugs:
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you guys.

    I'm scared about going to see my GP. I've never got on well with any of them and this seems like such a personal issue that I can't bear the idea of going and them being sniffy and unhelpful with me like they have been in the past. I'm also scared they'll say there's nothing wrong with me (I don't think I'm underweight) although I know my eating is definately disordered. My family are incredibly old fashioned and don't 'believe' in anorexia and I think going to my GP is frightening as it's finally admitting the problem publically. Right now I want to believe I can manage this on my own - and I used to think I could, but as each day passes, I'm beginning to see I probably can't...

    Spoiler:
    Show
    Last night I couldn't sleep. I got myself all worked up about what I could eat today and got myself into such a state about breakfast that I didn't sleep until past 3, and I had to be up at 6. So stupid. I started the day well too, and even chose cake over an apple at lunch, but I just ruined it by throwing away half my tea. I'm so angry at myself. I spent the whole day freezing at work in my too big uniform wishing I could be like the healthy, big people - so why did I throw food away? It makes no sense! I work in healthcare, yet I'm doing this to myself...again, senseless! Ahh!


    Thank you all for your help. There are amazing people on this thread. Absolutely amazing.
    Stay strong, we're all here for you. It's not easy, that's why supporting each other and celebrating every little success and helping each other up when we fall is so important!
    So you had a bad day. This doesn't mean it has to be a bad week. Time to be strong and start again tomorrow with a positive attitude. Yes it will be hard but have faith, just the act of choosing cake yesterday was such an achievement! You've let the negative outweigh the positive here. Stop feeling like a failure because of what you haven't done and look at all the things that you have. That's something I want to be able to do, so badly, and I'm not strong enough to do it. You're already proving to be a good fighter against it!
    Relax. You do need to see your GP. Yes, some of them can be very blasé about the whole thing and dismissive, but you need to tell them straight how much this is affecting your life. I'm currently having to get my diabetes team to force my GP to refer me because he's horrible and basically said he couldn't care less what I do because I'm "not his problem". But that's not to say all doctors are like that, I've met some lovely ones too. Keep on at them enough and they will have to help you.
    Chin up lovely, and keep us updated! You can do this. You can be healthy again.
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by ClaireyG)
    Another question for those of us in recovery. Do you find that you get super bloated when you eat even a reasonably sized meal? And how long did it take for your weight to redistribute properly. Having a disproportionately large pot belly is starting to get me down.
    Yes Food baby!

    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    I'm not convinced my friends really are my friends. All the photographs from the ball are appearing on facebook. I look horrendous in all of them. The ones mum took, I look fat, and have my eyes shut in all of them. In the candids taken by friends, i look fat in them, my face looks really short and i have no neck. The ones taken on an SLR, I look miserable in all of them. I had to be tit taped into my own dress because it's too big. Yet I look like the size of a small elephant in the photographs.
    This is absolutely not true! You look great in them!

    (Original post by beebie)
    I 100% also feel like that. I guess that's all part of it though - the internal dialogue of not feeling good enough, 'sick' enough, thin enough etc. x
    That's why I put off getting help for so long, or admitting I had a problem - I felt like I was too fat for anyone to take me seriously.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Spoiler:
    Show

    I must have said this a million times but I want to give up. Or at least postpone things until I can review my priorities, mainly because I'm really not sure what they are, especially with exercise.
    I mean it's all well and good and half of my CBT was trying to challenge my anxiety about the whole unpleasant physical sensations, but I don't think I'm doing it all for health and mood yet. There's way too many disordered thoughts, too much emphasis on how I look, too much moral significance to being in shape, I'd still get that guilt if I ate some dessert or non-clean meal after liek it was all pointless and so on. It is as if I've gone right to the opposite end and can't deal with being remotely skinny, I must be either unhealthily thin or built athletically and yet it's still the same thing somehow (yet it's not?). On top of that, I see all these big guys with so much confidence and getting so much attention and respect, people used to respect me when I was bigger and stronger. I miss that respect and I've seen little evidence of how else you can acquire it. Tbh now I'm treated like a kid, which makes me get further anxious and act like a kid creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Mum even said she's used to me being a little bigger (I took it to mean from working out rather than try and trigger myself with 'fat' thoughts), yet she can't understand all this emphasis on eating well (jam on crumpets etc. I still can't do, yet I'll drown jamjars in binges ioiuguyfuytcyt). It can't work both ways!
    But going to the gym is then all complicated by the fact that actually, I need to eat well and be reasonably fit for the singing and drumming (as I learnt the hard way yesterday!), and these are tangible and constructive things for my self-esteem. So I can't write it off.
    And the whole irony of this is that I'm not a compulsive exerciser at all (haven't been in 4 days due to bank holiday, struggle to get in twice a week!), I just think like one (?), and sit round half the time because something else is always on. Then go on to binge, not get the chance to exercise. (Annoyed that I said I'd never do that again and still am, guess it'll just take more time).

    Apart from this I've hit the point where the nutrition side of recovery's reversed too (possibly?) and even though I am still in the orthorexic mentality, ridiculously scared of anything I eat and struggling to get an appetite (yet eating uncontrollably?), I'm eating pretty much anything anyway because I'm so sick of it, and all Mum seems to make is cheese sandwiches or some kinda toastie for lunch lol and whatever for tea, this on top of me eating rubbish/comfort eating frequently. (And she's started buttering stuff again!!!! But I can't even not have that safety because dry bread gives both the severe heartburn and clogs up my throat for singing too. I don't even like butter, that's a non-ED thing. Ughhhh.)

    Which reminds me that I still haven't learnt to cook but is that going to reinforce it all yet again? And are my expectations of a diet completely skewed by both the massive emphasis on quality nutrition associated with body-building and health anxiety? I mean it seems pretty expensive to have heaps of vegetables in every meal, like the lighter meal of the day-or is it? I. Just. Don't. Know. : @

    They don't realise they are a threat to my goals and my goal is a threat to my relationships with them and myself. I think they're actually oblivious to this, because in all fairness they're trying so hard to cheer me up, it's me not trying hard enough. In fact summer is in general a therat to this goal because of late nights, drinking, parties, pizza and takeaways coming home from town (is it evidence of recovery to have some or being weak-willed? This goes on) etc. the whole lack of structure and spontaneity. But if I give up on it of course I'm going to end up overweight and very unfit, even more anxious and stuck back in the depressed state. That's not going to help anything, and it's not going to get the respect I want.

    I am just so confused and in doubt of my resolutions. I feel completely dis-empowered because everything is in conflict, and I can't even tell them why because of everything in therapy. It is really ****ing annoying (this sounds horrible) listening to my friends whine about whatever and not bieng able to say anything about my problems. Apparently this is supposed to teach me how to deal with things on my own? So far it's led me to the worst health I've been in the last 2 years...I feel like I'm smiling through grating teeth sometimes. I'm already really riled up because my aunt said yesterday when she noticed how much was eating at the barbecue 'how do you keep it all off you?' and I felt like saying 'you should see what I'm doing when you're not around' even though it was meant as a compliment and a joke beyond my close family it's either they don't know I'm still in recovery after that drastic weight loss, or deliberately not saying anything, and I don't wanna mention anything in case it is the latter. Again trying not to be a victimd espite feeling so out of control.
    I feel like I'm best deciding now whether I'm going to force the holidays to fit in with the gym schedule if not let it take over, or just let it go for the whole time and risk ending up feeling worse by the end. I really should know that making a lifestyle change like that isn't going to help things especially being in recovery or at least worrying about food and exercise to X degree greater than the average person anyway (the single best thing I had for my self-esteem might have been what made me become disordered? How does that work?)
    I'm also tempted whether to cut myself off from here because I'm just wasting time asking questions to people rather than try and figure things out myself but who knows I might end up dead instead.

    My mind is a train wreck today. Moreso because this threatens to overshadow the massive achievement I had the other day of holding a tarantula (been an arachnophobe since I can remember )
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    Riku, your amazing. Tarantulas. Yuck. Nothing should have that many legs/ eyes.

    I am so ****ing confused. I feel bigger than ever, yet this t-shirt I'm wearing has never been this loose before.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    It's not even a loose fitting top, it's a skinny fit gig tee. I'm seeing bones that I haven't seen in years i.e my ribs.


    Is this the point where I'm supposed to realise I'm going crazy?
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    So i'm gonna add my little bit of crazy... Not in a position to give advice to you guys right now but when i'm thinking straight...

    Spoiler:
    Show

    I was like, that's it, i'm recovering, and all on my own. I thought.. you know what i've been normal before, so i'll just go back to that.

    Gained 5lb and still underweight but feel like I don't want to go any higher. Feel a lot happier and stronger, healthy.
    But sticking to a very strict routine. Now, I ask myself, is this disordered or just trying to enforce a normal maintainable healthy diet and hoping that in time it becomes second nature and I don't have to think about it. But i've hit my 1750 calories for today and am still hungry. I mean wtf? I don't let myself go under this even if i'm not hungry so why would I be allowed to have more just because I am? Why am I even hungry? Normal girls aren't hungry after this much. Is it greed? Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

    I mean, I might continue and get accustomed to eating LOADS and not be able to decrease it when I am genuinely normal weight. I'm totally aware that this is a completely normal thing to feel... but I don't know. I thought this food obsession would go, but I think i'm expecting too much too quickly and need to recognise how much progress i've made already. (i.e. I do not want to loose weight, I don't think i'm fat despite gaining weight but feel like if I gained more I would be, and I like the way I look atm.)

    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Cinnie)
    So i'm gonna add my little bit of crazy... Not in a position to give advice to you guys right now but when i'm thinking straight...

    Spoiler:
    Show

    I was like, that's it, i'm recovering, and all on my own. I thought.. you know what i've been normal before, so i'll just go back to that.

    Gained 5lb and still underweight but feel like I don't want to go any higher. Feel a lot happier and stronger, healthy.
    But sticking to a very strict routine. Now, I ask myself, is this disordered or just trying to enforce a normal maintainable healthy diet and hoping that in time it becomes second nature and I don't have to think about it. But i've hit my 1750 calories for today and am still hungry. I mean wtf? I don't let myself go under this even if i'm not hungry so why would I be allowed to have more just because I am? Why am I even hungry? Normal girls aren't hungry after this much. Is it greed? Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

    I mean, I might continue and get accustomed to eating LOADS and not be able to decrease it when I am genuinely normal weight. I'm totally aware that this is a completely normal thing to feel... but I don't know. I thought this food obsession would go, but I think i'm expecting too much too quickly and need to recognise how much progress i've made already. (i.e. I do not want to loose weight, I don't think i'm fat despite gaining weight but feel like if I gained more I would be, and I like the way I look atm.)

    :hugging: Don't panic about it. We'll all mad here in the asylum. Be warned, it's much easier to get in than it is to get out.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    Im gonna try forgetting calories exist and eating when i'm hungry, and making balanced rational choices. Will give it a week and see what the result is. Realistically it's probably wise to count calories for 'junk' foods and treats when considering them but hopefully not the rest.
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Im gonna try forgetting calories exist and eating when i'm hungry, and making balanced rational choices. Will give it a week and see what the result is. Realistically it's probably wise to count calories for 'junk' foods and treats when considering them but hopefully not the rest.
    :hugs: you can do this. Whether I can keep my sanity is another matter entirely.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    :hugs: you can do this. Whether I can keep my sanity is another matter entirely.
    :hugs: Hate body dismorphia, your clothes don't lie, your ED does!

    And anyway, remember your weight doesn't have anything to do with your self-worth. xxx
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Cinnie)
    :hugs: Hate body dismorphia, your clothes don't lie, your ED does!

    And anyway, remember your weight doesn't have anything to do with your self-worth. xxx
    I know. but it's difficult to separate irrational mind stuff and rational mind things. Combined with my first A2 exam in just over a week. AND it's in the subject I essentially had to beg for my predicted grade to go up, so I'd get more than 1 offer through UCAS. I'm terrified I'll let sir down. I desperately want to make up for last year, because they were awful.

    It's always fun when you see in the news 'Study shows premature babies are more likely to suffer from mental health issues' then you're all 'I was buggered from that start wasn't I'
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Riku)
    Spoiler:
    Show

    I must have said this a million times but I want to give up. Or at least postpone things until I can review my priorities, mainly because I'm really not sure what they are, especially with exercise.
    I mean it's all well and good and half of my CBT was trying to challenge my anxiety about the whole unpleasant physical sensations, but I don't think I'm doing it all for health and mood yet. There's way too many disordered thoughts, too much emphasis on how I look, too much moral significance to being in shape, I'd still get that guilt if I ate some dessert or non-clean meal after liek it was all pointless and so on. It is as if I've gone right to the opposite end and can't deal with being remotely skinny, I must be either unhealthily thin or built athletically and yet it's still the same thing somehow (yet it's not?). On top of that, I see all these big guys with so much confidence and getting so much attention and respect, people used to respect me when I was bigger and stronger. I miss that respect and I've seen little evidence of how else you can acquire it. Tbh now I'm treated like a kid, which makes me get further anxious and act like a kid creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Mum even said she's used to me being a little bigger (I took it to mean from working out rather than try and trigger myself with 'fat' thoughts), yet she can't understand all this emphasis on eating well (jam on crumpets etc. I still can't do, yet I'll drown jamjars in binges ioiuguyfuytcyt). It can't work both ways!
    But going to the gym is then all complicated by the fact that actually, I need to eat well and be reasonably fit for the singing and drumming (as I learnt the hard way yesterday!), and these are tangible and constructive things for my self-esteem. So I can't write it off.
    And the whole irony of this is that I'm not a compulsive exerciser at all (haven't been in 4 days due to bank holiday, struggle to get in twice a week!), I just think like one (?), and sit round half the time because something else is always on. Then go on to binge, not get the chance to exercise. (Annoyed that I said I'd never do that again and still am, guess it'll just take more time).

    Apart from this I've hit the point where the nutrition side of recovery's reversed too (possibly?) and even though I am still in the orthorexic mentality, ridiculously scared of anything I eat and struggling to get an appetite (yet eating uncontrollably?), I'm eating pretty much anything anyway because I'm so sick of it, and all Mum seems to make is cheese sandwiches or some kinda toastie for lunch lol and whatever for tea, this on top of me eating rubbish/comfort eating frequently. (And she's started buttering stuff again!!!! But I can't even not have that safety because dry bread gives both the severe heartburn and clogs up my throat for singing too. I don't even like butter, that's a non-ED thing. Ughhhh.)

    Which reminds me that I still haven't learnt to cook but is that going to reinforce it all yet again? And are my expectations of a diet completely skewed by both the massive emphasis on quality nutrition associated with body-building and health anxiety? I mean it seems pretty expensive to have heaps of vegetables in every meal, like the lighter meal of the day-or is it? I. Just. Don't. Know. : @

    They don't realise they are a threat to my goals and my goal is a threat to my relationships with them and myself. I think they're actually oblivious to this, because in all fairness they're trying so hard to cheer me up, it's me not trying hard enough. In fact summer is in general a therat to this goal because of late nights, drinking, parties, pizza and takeaways coming home from town (is it evidence of recovery to have some or being weak-willed? This goes on) etc. the whole lack of structure and spontaneity. But if I give up on it of course I'm going to end up overweight and very unfit, even more anxious and stuck back in the depressed state. That's not going to help anything, and it's not going to get the respect I want.

    I am just so confused and in doubt of my resolutions. I feel completely dis-empowered because everything is in conflict, and I can't even tell them why because of everything in therapy. It is really ****ing annoying (this sounds horrible) listening to my friends whine about whatever and not bieng able to say anything about my problems. Apparently this is supposed to teach me how to deal with things on my own? So far it's led me to the worst health I've been in the last 2 years...I feel like I'm smiling through grating teeth sometimes. I'm already really riled up because my aunt said yesterday when she noticed how much was eating at the barbecue 'how do you keep it all off you?' and I felt like saying 'you should see what I'm doing when you're not around' even though it was meant as a compliment and a joke beyond my close family it's either they don't know I'm still in recovery after that drastic weight loss, or deliberately not saying anything, and I don't wanna mention anything in case it is the latter. Again trying not to be a victimd espite feeling so out of control.
    I feel like I'm best deciding now whether I'm going to force the holidays to fit in with the gym schedule if not let it take over, or just let it go for the whole time and risk ending up feeling worse by the end. I really should know that making a lifestyle change like that isn't going to help things especially being in recovery or at least worrying about food and exercise to X degree greater than the average person anyway (the single best thing I had for my self-esteem might have been what made me become disordered? How does that work?)
    I'm also tempted whether to cut myself off from here because I'm just wasting time asking questions to people rather than try and figure things out myself but who knows I might end up dead instead.

    My mind is a train wreck today. Moreso because this threatens to overshadow the massive achievement I had the other day of holding a tarantula (been an arachnophobe since I can remember )
    I really do hope this is just a temporary bad patch for you. I've seen so many inspiring posts by you noting all your achievements; please don't forget about those! Your posts always uplift me.
    Nobody's perfect and everybody has their off days.
    Don't cut yourself off, you need support in times like these. Come on, pick yourself up, take a deep breath and take another step forward.
    You can do this! It's good that you've let it all out here; the worst thing you can do is bottle it all up. It's good to see that you know that you don't have to suffer the low points alone.
    As for the tarantula? Awesome!
    Here's to a better week, please stay positive and please stay strong.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Bulimia and scared. I had a handful of raisins just now and I freaked out. I stood infront of my bathroom mirror and had to glare at myself - dare myself... convince myself that it was ok.... "As long as you don't eat tomorrow" But I KNOW I will. I've got to. This is exam season!! Someone help me. How quickly will I gain the weight if I eat normally and not purge everything?

    Is this true? I'll gain it all back really quickly???

    D:
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: October 31, 2015
Poll
Do you agree with the proposed ban on plastic straws and cotton buds?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.