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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for replying.
    I'm not sure, I just thought I was being strict with what I was eating. I'm scared to death of putting weight on and the thing is I know I NEED to. It sucks. I hate showing my stomach or legs because to me they are big but I know they're not... It's really confusing and hard to explain. Everyone says seeing ribs is unattractive and I agree it is... But for some reason I'm not happy with my weight unless I can see my ribs.

    My eating has actually improved since moving away from my parents, because I monitor it. At the beginning of my depression I'd eat a sandwich a day and then have a binge eating day at the end of the week, but because I was so depressed for prolonged periods of times I was hardly ever hungry away.

    I honestly think I'm making something out of nothing here, I know it all seems bad written down and actually makes me feel a bit ill reading it back, but I don't know.

    Ugh. Anyway, thanks again x
    Okay, these are definite signs. You know that what you're thinking is wrong but you can't help but feel fat or see fat when actually you're underweight. Seeing one's ribs is not healthy! I don't think your eating has improved; both of your accounts seem to be quite worrying and you seem to use food as a coping mechanism, which is understandable. I really think you have a problem, but I can't diagnose. If you're worried, tell someone who can help you, like a doctor or even a friend. What you've written is quite worrying. x
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    Hey, I just realised. I'm feeling a little triggered by this thread. Anyone else feeling it too? :/
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    Collateral, stay off this page until the feeling subsides. I created the thread to benefit sufferers, not harm them, so until your negative thoughts dissolve take a wee break. This said of course, I think you have posted about 30 times in less than a day, so I think you have perhaps been a bit obsessive about it!

    My suggestion is just to simply try to spend more time doing something ENTIRELY unrelated to the ED or forum. Use this as a tool to bolster when you feel down, not a crutch.
    As I was told, anorexia and EDs are psychological disorders and as such the cure is only you; with physical diseases you can be given the vehicles, the medicines, to ridyourself of it, but with mental issues you can only be pointed towards a road to travel down of your own accordance.
    • #37
    #37

    Stress about exam on ED

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    Okay i'm back again and feeling a bit silly for being so. I'm recovered from anorexia but every so often things hit me and I seem to migrate back to this thread for comfort... so thanks for putting up with it? I know this thread may not be the place for me now hence 'recovered' so delete my post if needs be..

    Bascially, I have an exam on monday in psychology and a chunk of it is on eating behaviour. I can cope with everything absolutely fine, apart from the anorexia part. I seem to have put a psychological block in place, I just don't seem to be able to learn it. During class I would end up shaking when they talked about it. I never spoke up or said anything because no one knows about my past. However, know i'm worried about the exam... With this stupid block in place I don't know how i'll cope if it comes up as a 24marker.

    I don't know this is just a rant really, feel free to ignore me...


    And thank you to the person who helped me before when I posted in here, it was a long time ago and I haven't seen then on here since, but it really helped
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Stress about exam on ED

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    Okay i'm back again and feeling a bit silly for being so. I'm recovered from anorexia but every so often things hit me and I seem to migrate back to this thread for comfort... so thanks for putting up with it? I know this thread may not be the place for me now hence 'recovered' so delete my post if needs be..

    Bascially, I have an exam on monday in psychology and a chunk of it is on eating behaviour. I can cope with everything absolutely fine, apart from the anorexia part. I seem to have put a psychological block in place, I just don't seem to be able to learn it. During class I would end up shaking when they talked about it. I never spoke up or said anything because no one knows about my past. However, know i'm worried about the exam... With this stupid block in place I don't know how i'll cope if it comes up as a 24marker.

    I don't know this is just a rant really, feel free to ignore me...


    And thank you to the person who helped me before when I posted in here, it was a long time ago and I haven't seen then on here since, but it really helped
    Is it AS/A2 or uni level? If it's AS/A2 then chances are it either won't come up or it'll only be a small part of it that you won't lose a massive amount of marks for not mentioning/doing well. Best of luck, in our clinical module last year there was a chunk on self harm behaviours which I couldn't cope with and in the end I just didn't go to the lectures and didn't answer any of the questions on it so I didn't get worked up in the exam! It was marked on my mitigating circumstances form as to why I did so badly x
    • #37
    #37

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Is it AS/A2 or uni level? If it's AS/A2 then chances are it either won't come up or it'll only be a small part of it that you won't lose a massive amount of marks for not mentioning/doing well. Best of luck, in our clinical module last year there was a chunk on self harm behaviours which I couldn't cope with and in the end I just didn't go to the lectures and didn't answer any of the questions on it so I didn't get worked up in the exam! It was marked on my mitigating circumstances form as to why I did so badly x
    It's A2 level, but this could be worth 1/3 of the whole paper which is why i'm a bit worried... But thanks for your response, I guess I just need to try my best which is all I can really do. Hope your mark worked out okay too
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It's A2 level, but this could be worth 1/3 of the whole paper which is why i'm a bit worried... But thanks for your response, I guess I just need to try my best which is all I can really do. Hope your mark worked out okay too
    :hug: A third of my biology unit 5 exam is on the scientific article. Said scientific article is about ED's.
    • #37
    #37

    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    :hug: A third of my biology unit 5 exam is on the scientific article. Said scientific article is about ED's.
    I really hope you do well, will be thinking of you.

    All we can do is our best... Look towards the future and things we have to look forward to after these exams...
    Now I just need to take my own advice!
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Trying to be strong for my family, but at this point in my recovery I am slowly getting sapped of my strength because I have no support systems in place (my fault) and don't feel like i'm able to have a bad day. So it's fake, and feels too extreme. I know i'm doing really really well, but it would be nice for someone to acknowledge it once in a while. Maybe it's attention seeking, maybe I just want my mum to hug me when i'm struggling and give me some advice.

    Everyone in my family is going through complete turmoil, every single one is battling something MASSIVE, whether it be cancer, depression, being on the edge of a breakdown. She has told me that this is the first time in her life where if one more thing goes wrong, she doesn't know what she will do.

    I'm using all my strength to battle all these things that tell me to go back to restriction and need more strength to help my family too.
    Of course you're allowed to have a bad day. You're allowed to have a bad week, a bad year, you're allowed to admit that even if it's partly your (the ED's) fault, you've gone through a lot of crap. It takes courage to admit that. What you're not allowed to do-for your sake and ours-is give up. You want to see this battle through to the end and reap its rewards, you can't do that if you throw in the towel halfway.
    That applies to every single person on this forum and struggling with a mental illness, by the way. Strength and courage through overcoming adversity.
    Cinnie, you're one strong, intelligent, and compassionate young woman. You can muster up some more through even this, the hardest of times. But don't be strong for them. Be strong for you. You can only be there for others as much as you're already there for yourself.

    :hugs:
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    (Original post by Riku)

    :hugs:
    Thanks Riku that's really kind I won't be giving up, i've already tasted the benefits of discovering how to trust my body and mind about when i'm hungry and how much to eat, and am more often than not, able to forget about how many calories i have had or am allowed. Without the cloud of the restriction as a coping mechanism I guess i'm feeling real feelings, which is strange.

    You don't have to prove anything to your mum. A big problem with ED's is that we create so many rules and walls because we feel like people are constantly trying to penetrate our boundaries. You will do your best, and in time your Mum will relax. All you can do is tell her you are trying. Pressure is not good xxx
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Thanks Riku that's really kind I won't be giving up, i've already tasted the benefits of discovering how to trust my body and mind about when i'm hungry and how much to eat, and am more often than not, able to forget about how many calories i have had or am allowed. Without the cloud of the restriction as a coping mechanism I guess i'm feeling real feelings, which is strange.

    You don't have to prove anything to your mum. A big problem with ED's is that we create so many rules and walls because we feel like people are constantly trying to penetrate our boundaries. You will do your best, and in time your Mum will relax. All you can do is tell her you are trying. Pressure is not good xxx
    I'm glad you are, we're all in this together here!
    Definitely. Didn't even realise how badly until tonight
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    when she asked if I wanted a slice of bread to mop up the gravy of my stew and I then spent an hour in the bath practically having visions of being water tortured with ice cream 0_0

    I told her I felt judged and what I thought people expected of me (literally the McDonalds every day, takeaways each night, dessert with every meal thing), she said that of course that's a bit silly and she's just glad I'm eating. She's pretty sick of hearing me talk through the illness about food etc., though, rather than her son underneath, because it's both boring and heartbreaking for us both at the same. Which is understandable to feel so inclined because it's so true. Terrifying I didn't even notice until it was said to me...

    I'm feeling much more re-assured now ^_^ I had to break even with her. I won't stop doing behaviours until I felt supported in normal eating-not recovery emal plan or whatever, just being like everyone else. Anyway, we need all the support we can get, especially when it's so close to home (under my roof!)
    x
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    That was really interesting! My dad was definitely a rhino and my mumma was a kangaroo but not as suffocating. Once I wanted to recover she really did let me go and help me by giving me independence, although she was always apprehensive at first.

    In regards to the exercising and your mumma, I don't think she'll think you're over-exercising, especially if the people at your gym can back you up on this. At the end of the day, they wouldn't let you because if you did and something happened on the premises, they would be liable, so it's in their best interest to be honest about your exercise regime. I think it's a common worry for mums. I've been recovered for 2 years now and whenever I say 'I'm going to the gym', my mum still freaks out! I think it's just natural for mothers. After all, they don't want us doing any more damage to ourselves or relapsing or something. Just reassure her if anything comes up/if she talks to you about it. x

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I think all mums are kangaroos at heart!

    With regards to the spoiler - be open and honest with her and promise that you'll tell her when you're exercising and listen if she thinks it's too much and tells you so?

    (Original post by CollateralElement)
    Don't. It sounds like your mum's a little tired of hearing things from you or having to deduce you. "Been there, seen that" mind and though she's a kangaroo at heart, they often believe they're the ones who know the very best and since they'd seen you grow up, they think they know the very words that float through you mind every single moment of the day.

    So, don't take it badly, though. This may be the defensive personality bit that's popped up from the sense of trust that she feels has been violated (between you two).

    Write her a letter. Be calm. Reasonable. Collected. Don't grab the first bright red marker and scrawl huge "I'M NOT OCD ED ANYMORE MOM!" across the page - that was the first thing I thought of anyway.

    Just write to her like you're living in spain, on a beach somewhere near a few good looking surfers frolicking across the waters and whipping their long bleach blonde curls around.

    Speak to her like you're her friend and a daughter. That you understand the consequences of the ED in you. That you're so close to annihilating it out of your system... but you need her to hold your hand for now. You need her to stop talking to others, to stop listening to others but just listen to you - her daughter - just this once.

    Tell her she's a kangaroo. But you love her the most. Tell her why you love her. Tell her all the things that she's done for you to help you and thank her.
    ...

    Just open out your heart and tell her everything and don't end with something blunt.

    Be yourself You're smart. You'll think of something.

    I hope this helps? :crossedf:
    Thanks to everyone it was a little more...subdued than a full-blown thank-you letter. Maybe I should have been a bit more open and shown how incredibly, just so grateful I am to her for everything, like I tried to with her birthday card. (Without her and Dad, I'd be in IP at least by now fo'sho'). But then, I also think she's the type of Kanga who doesn't want thinks to get all gooey and Jellyfish-like, so maybe it worked as casually as it was. We left on good terms, so it can't have been that bad x
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    Does anyone know if this kind of behavior is normal? I'm recovering from Anorexia and things were going really well and I'm only 6kg away from a 'healthy' weight but recently (past few weeks really) my eating has been really bizarre. I mean, yesterday I ate no more than 1300 calories but the day before ate a normal 2000 calorie diet but today I was ok until tea when I just couldn't stop eating! I literally lost count of how much I ate! But it was definitely more than 3000 calories These unstoppable binges keep happening and I always feel awful afterwards but I feel like I can't control myself! Then I try and compensate for all the crazy, unhealthy eating the day later and end up UNDEREATING. This can't be good for me is there any way to just stick to the normal 2000 calories?
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    (Original post by Riku)
    x
    I am so so so happy for you. Pressure does such awful things to us. When we act out of anxiety, sometimes its because we are worried about what we will look like to other people, and how to do the 'right' thing so we don't let anyone down, so we don't fail them. It feels nice to know that you can say yes or no just because it's what you want, and get no judgement or consequences for it.

    (Original post by Awesome_Possum)
    Does anyone know if this kind of behavior is normal? I'm recovering from Anorexia and things were going really well and I'm only 6kg away from a 'healthy' weight but recently (past few weeks really) my eating has been really bizarre. I mean, yesterday I ate no more than 1300 calories but the day before ate a normal 2000 calorie diet but today I was ok until tea when I just couldn't stop eating! I literally lost count of how much I ate! But it was definitely more than 3000 calories These unstoppable binges keep happening and I always feel awful afterwards but I feel like I can't control myself! Then I try and compensate for all the crazy, unhealthy eating the day later and end up UNDEREATING. This can't be good for me is there any way to just stick to the normal 2000 calories?
    I'm no expert all I have is personal experience. Firstly - you are still recovering. The damage to your body, hormones, e.c.t. isn't reversed yet. Maybe when you undereat, your body goes into panic and you desperately crave large amounts of food because it's scared you're going to start undereating again. No one eats the same amount each day because our bodies are not machines and so many things influence hunger, but yours is delicate at the moment - don't panic that it's a long term thing and that you're going to just binge away forever. Most people I know in recovery have experienced this so you are not alone.

    It's a cycle. You don't need to compensate the next day - you need to start the next day fresh and eat normally again.
    • Thread Starter
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    I am bmi maybe 18.7(ish) now, possum, and it is normal to be unable to know what a "happy medium" is. For example yesterday I knew I was going out drinking, so I tried to overcompensate and ended up way under 2000 calories. But today was a buffet then barbecue then party (yes, in one day) and I must've consumed 4000 calories easily between all manner of forbidden treats.

    Because I am neither losing nor gaining, I am yet to understand that neither extreme is relevant but according to my therapist this is a very common issue in recovery.
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Thanks to everyone it was a little more...subdued than a full-blown thank-you letter. Maybe I should have been a bit more open and shown how incredibly, just so grateful I am to her for everything, like I tried to with her birthday card. (Without her and Dad, I'd be in IP at least by now fo'sho'). But then, I also think she's the type of Kanga who doesn't want thinks to get all gooey and Jellyfish-like, so maybe it worked as casually as it was. We left on good terms, so it can't have been that bad x
    Yes! Congrats! That's a good way to have gone about it, I guess it'd be better if it was casual anyway. She'd think you'd turned into a soppy wierdo if you'd been way too open and she'd have her suspicions again.

    Good going. Glad I could've helped x
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    It's stupid of me to post here at such a stupid hour with such a stupid reason...but I've just got back from a friend's 21st and it really hit me tonight how much anorexia and diabetes have ruined everything.
    I can't enjoy these things freely anymore. Felt like breaking down watching everyone else eat and not touching anything myself. Hate that I feel horrible about myself because I have scrutinised every picture on my camera to see how fat I look. Hate counting calories in every drink and feeling like a failure.
    Came home early because I can't do late nights anymore, my body is too exhausted and I'm really dizzy and have palpitations all the time. I miss having a life. This feels like being in a prison; being trapped in a body I will never love.
    I've only felt THIS close to not being able to cope with any more once in my life and I don't want to feel that hollow again but right now I just want to hurt myself. I hate myself, I hate anorexia, I hate diabetes and I hate having the best years of my life stolen from me. I can't look in the mirror in the girls toilets because I'll cry at how ugly I feel.
    Sorry about such a stupid post, I just don't know where to turn anymore, nobody will understand, they just get angry.
    • #81
    #81

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    After listening to a podcast on food addiction , I'm now convinced I am one ! God I've been feeling absolutely horrible recently. Just can't seem to curb this cereal addiction. I keep saying to myself tomorrow's another day, I'll start again tomorrow but it never transpires. It's so annoying because I've been so good for so long but lately, everything seems to have imploded. What's worse is that I've been trying (and failing) this super strict diet in an effort to straighten things. I've opted out of social occasions, not joined in with people for lunch and missed out on social situations by making excuses.

    On Wednesday, I had a box of oat clusters and bran flakes and ate the whole thing. I didn't even enjoy it in the end and ended up purging. On thursday I had a box of strawberry cereal and ended going out to buy a box of sugar puffs too and friday had a whole barrel of ginger nuts and another box of cereal. And last night's fails included a can of juice, 2 pints of milk, box of muesli and a box of maple crunch. It's so frustrating as I kept saying to myself, I won;t buy this, I won't buy that. I even kept picked up the item, putting it down somewhere else, then double tracking back to pick it up again. The shop assistants must have noticed me doing laps around the shop and must thought i'm a complete fudd. Not to mention it's probably a nightmare for them to move everything back to their original locations.

    Anyways, I'm going to kickstart my sugar abstainance today. I can't imagine it will be easy but it's worked well for me for so long. Absolutely craving cereal though, i ****ing love it so much ! Damn the food manufacturers and their high levels of sugar, salt and fat..
    • #81
    #81

    I don't even know why I posted all that. Guess I just needed somewhere to fess up and hold myself accountable.
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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    It's stupid of me to post here at such a stupid hour with such a stupid reason...but I've just got back from a friend's 21st and it really hit me tonight how much anorexia and diabetes have ruined everything.
    I can't enjoy these things freely anymore. Felt like breaking down watching everyone else eat and not touching anything myself. Hate that I feel horrible about myself because I have scrutinised every picture on my camera to see how fat I look. Hate counting calories in every drink and feeling like a failure.
    Came home early because I can't do late nights anymore, my body is too exhausted and I'm really dizzy and have palpitations all the time. I miss having a life. This feels like being in a prison; being trapped in a body I will never love.
    I've only felt THIS close to not being able to cope with any more once in my life and I don't want to feel that hollow again but right now I just want to hurt myself. I hate myself, I hate anorexia, I hate diabetes and I hate having the best years of my life stolen from me. I can't look in the mirror in the girls toilets because I'll cry at how ugly I feel.
    Sorry about such a stupid post, I just don't know where to turn anymore, nobody will understand, they just get angry.
    it's not a silly reason. :hugs:
 
 
 
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