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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. Watch

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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Sentiment during the course of this thread alone I have posted about this wretched anorexia causing me to break bones twice. Two fractures in a year, and one hairline crack! And how did I manage one of those? By sitting down. SITTING DOWN. I leaned on my wrist and POP! - like a Cinder Toffee, my bones are, apparently. Those are literally the words my GP used.

    Even though I am now no longer in a bad BMI (18.7!!) my severe osteoperosis remains. It is one of the ghosts of the illness I will be fighting way beyond slaying the demon of the eating disorder, and at 27 years old, I have been told it is reversible; but will take a long time. For example it might be another year or two before I can even consider running again. That's a horrible thought. But that said, one of my other fractures this year was my ankle, and that was rushing for a bus.

    Anorexia totally wrecks your entire body from the inside out. So by the time you see yourself and go, "wow, you have ****ed yourself up here"... your organs, bones and chemical balances inside are already struggling more than you know.
    Oh Toto you've been through way more of your fair share of rubbish in your time. Do you have any idea if it's possible to tell bone density from X-rays or if it has to be scans? I'm unsure of whether to mention that I'm worried about it when I go for my follow-up appointment at the hospital next week.
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by sentiment)
    Oh Toto you've been through way more of your fair share of rubbish in your time. Do you have any idea if it's possible to tell bone density from X-rays or if it has to be scans? I'm unsure of whether to mention that I'm worried about it when I go for my follow-up appointment at the hospital next week.
    Definitely mention it x
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Definitely mention it x
    No idea how to raise it!
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    Hi everyone I'm trying to face up to the fact that I binge eat I don't quite know what to do to beat this but I want to and I know I need to. I hide food in bags in my room and run upstairs to scoff it. I buy bags of sweets and eat it in 5 minutes. I have actually taken food out of the top of the bin before. I just hate what I am and what I do. All I feel are guilt and shame but when I eat I just go numb. Please help me xxx
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    I lay an eating/lifestyle plan down one day, and then the next I often decide I want to do something else. This is recovery. Accepting change without guilt. It's pretty nice at times. This morning I was ravenous. No real reason that I could think of (other than the obvious Leptin stuff). I ate loads of random stuff, tried to log it in myfitnesspal and gave up. A week ago, I had to know EVERYTHING I was eating to prevent anxiety attacks. So my plan was to accept that i'll be calorie counting that for the rest of my life. I'm sure when I reach my ideal weight I will be more careful to maintain it with calorie counting, but it's just really interesting how quickly my whole frame of mind has changed. I don't want to be unhealthy! I don't feel like I have to be sickly thin to deserve to be alive. I trust myself not to go out of control and binge until I weigh 30 stone.
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    Cinnie and Purplesherbet,

    What I want to put forth to both of you is that calorie counting is the anorexic's demon. But it is also your greatest weapon. Utilise the immense foodie knowledge you've garnered (I know the calories and macros for EVERY... SINGLE... THING now) - but use it to set a HEALTHY daily goal. Then set aside all the stuff you'll use that day ONLY, in the fridge or whatever.

    Sounds like a load of faff but it works.

    For example, work out that for breakfast tomorrow you'll eat 2000 calories as is normal for a wee lass.
    So, think what food you'll have for meals and snacks, and set it out in the fridge/cupboard. It helps you visualise what is NORMAL. What is a viable amount. The anorexic side of you gets to indulge the counting-fest and control-anxiety, the binge-eaters will appreciate the newfound structure to their diet.

    It's how I regained my weight; when you have a goal to work towards it's suprising how dedicated you become. XX
    • #111
    #111

    I wish I had the guts to share this un-anonymously. I don't know if this is classed as an eating disorder, because I'm not at a low BMI or anything but I know this isn't healthy. I'd appreciate any advice

    I've never been overweight, I am a gymnast so have quite muscley arms and legs that I've always been self-concious about though. Some boy from my school made an insensitive comment about my weight and it literally played on my mind for days on end, and it still does today.

    It started off as a 'harmless' diet, only wanting to lose a few pounds. The weight started to drop off and people started to comment on how thin I looked, and I became addicted to losing weight I guess. Then I joined the gym and, before I knew it, I was burning off everything I ate, I'd even go to the gym 2/3/4 times a day and would relish in finishing on a negative net amount of calories. I started skipping meals which I found quite easy as I go to sixth form through the day, so could easily throw away my sandwich my mam made me in the morning. By this time my family, friends and even my teachers were getting worried.

    Now, family and friend outings have become impossible as they nearly always involve food, so I avoid them all together which is not at all like myself as I've always been quite a sociable person but I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. My periods have stopped for about 9 months now and I fear it's because of what I'm doing to my body. It sounds silly because I KNOW all of the consequences of what I'm doing, but I just CAN'T seem to stop doing it to myself. It's like a little voice in my head telling me I don't deserve food, I don't deserve happiness.

    I know this sounds really sick, but I enjoy baking cakes, cookies etc and giving them away so that other people eat them. Like, I get a kick out of being able to resist them. I don't know what's wrong with me.

    If you've read this ramble, thank you. I've never shared this with anyone. I admire each and every one of you who have managed to recover/are at least on the road to recovery. You all do deserve to be happy in your own skin.
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    Most recent anonymous, this is all behaviour exhibited in the developing stages of restrictive-type anorexia nervosa.

    Many things gave me a little lump in my throat as I read it as it rung very true to my own experiences. Especially the "I love to bake and then give the things away and watch others eat it" deal. In fact on one of the old episodes of "Supersize vs Superskinny", they had an anorexic segment where the anorexic boy said, after they ate a meal together, "It's great to be able to get something and then not have to ask someone else if it tastes good"; when he said that, my family all glared at me. They knew by this point we were all aware of my ailment so it had become almost an in-joke, because once you accept it you begin to understand how stupid it all is.

    Sad thing is, the next stage after that is accepting that you have the illness and that it's all so futile, but feeling unable to stop your habits.

    That stage calls upon a support network, because you cannot do it alone. xxx
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    Peer pressure's hitting me hard. Went to gym yesterday, wanted early night to recuperate-> instead, called out with mates to pub; fair enough, friendships come first but I really didn't want to drink so got a glass of water-> friends take this as a sign that I'm regressing to previous anxious self? How I explain to them there are times it won't relax me, I just can't drink I haven't yet figured out.
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    They also talk about being laid when clubbing/their relationships and the combination of being a virgin who lives with their mum and having had no sex drive until recently is just major awks
    I feel horribly alienated by all of this so I ended up having poor sleep, binging again, being late for work, generally maniacal all day. If the way people judge my recovery is based off an entirely conflicting value system to the way I judged it, what hope is there? This one's gonna take some time. I hate to think of my friends as a threat to my goals but in this case it really is.
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    Riku, I think the issue stems from the comparative way in which you're taking things. You shouldn't compare yourselves to what you might regard as "more normal" because their situations are just "different".

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    I have had zero in the way of libido for two years now, and whereas now I can laugh about it, for the longest time I felt ashamed, emasculated, and an utter failure. But I then later learned that another friend too, had had no libido for seven months due to being a raging alcoholic. Swings and roundabouts; nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. Everyone has demons, some more than others, but we all have them.



    The truth is that judging ones self by comparison to peers is perhaps the only way we develop; through competition and mimicry we develop our skills and traits. Without this social integration our drive and determination in many walks of life would be far lesser. But you have to draw the line somewhere and judgement SOLELY on the traits and stature of others becomes unhealthy. Remember the composite parts that make you YOU, too buddy!
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Riku, I think the issue stems from the comparative way in which you're taking things. You shouldn't compare yourselves to what you might regard as "more normal" because their situations are just "different".

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    I have had zero in the way of libido for two years now, and whereas now I can laugh about it, for the longest time I felt ashamed, emasculated, and an utter failure. But I then later learned that another friend too, had had no libido for seven months due to being a raging alcoholic. Swings and roundabouts; nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. Everyone has demons, some more than others, but we all have them.



    The truth is that judging ones self by comparison to peers is perhaps the only way we develop; through competition and mimicry we develop our skills and traits. Without this social integration our drive and determination in many walks of life would be far lesser. But you have to draw the line somewhere and judgement SOLELY on the traits and stature of others becomes unhealthy. Remember the composite parts that make you YOU, too buddy!
    I understand that completely, Toto. I'm striving to do it and be myself! Just seems that learning to say Yes, or No, and really really mean it is one of the hardest lessons I'll ever learn.
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    It's good you've learned not to be too worried about the loss of libido. It doesn't really say anything about you as you are, even if it feels like the ultimate threat to manhood. (You've probably guessed I say lots of things to people that I can't quite yet believe for myself...)
    Ditto other people's demons. Sure, my friends have them, but how do they manage them so well? And would it benefit me to even talk about stuff? You know it's a double-edged sword, especially with young lads.

    x
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    Went to a restaurant for fathers day and actually ate a normal 3 course meal. Came home and my mum offered me a second dessert of cheesecake and ice cream - would usually have jumped at the chance to eat more knowing I didn't need it and with permission. I said no thank you and ate an apple while everyone around me was eating that dessert. I didn't even have the desire for it. I feel like this can push me on more, so I feel positive for tomorrow.
    Thank you Toto for your message, I'm going to start planning a bit more so I know what I'm having when to control it xx
    • #48
    #48

    I know I really shouldn't self diagnose but after a small breakdown in the Chinese today I looked up b-eat (seems a really good support network) and I ticked something like 75% of the boxes for A.N. - pretty much the only ones I don't tick right now are excessive exercising, amenorrhea and dangerously low weight/severe weightloss. I have always have poor circulation and a dodgy stomach so they don't count right? I dunno. I just don't know what's going on anymore :sad:
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know I really shouldn't self diagnose but after a small breakdown in the Chinese today I looked up b-eat (seems a really good support network) and I ticked something like 75% of the boxes for A.N. - pretty much the only ones I don't tick right now are excessive exercising, amenorrhea and dangerously low weight/severe weightloss. I have always have poor circulation and a dodgy stomach so they don't count right? I dunno. I just don't know what's going on anymore :sad:
    They were the two I would'nt have met last time.
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    Toto - i'm definitely going to have a go at the daytime eating thing. (BMI spoiler)
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    I've reached 18.2 (although i'm aware of the water weight stuffs because there it's unlikely that i've gone from 17.3 - 18.2 in 4 days even with a 2,500 diet)

    The thing is even though i'm body dismorphic I am absolutely certain I look like I did when I was half a stone heavier (thighs and stomach). I'm really happy with where I am now (surprisingly) and would like to maintain it. I don't want to do this and give myself the excuse to allow a binge because i'm still underweight (purely because it ruins my head for a few days). I feel like I should wait to see if my amenorrhea corrects itself... like.. give until the end of august at this weight and see.. so that if I feel a binge I don't allow it.

    Another thing I have to remember, is that I lost a huge amount of muscle with anorexia, so my look at this weight now is different to this weight when I was loosing. If I stay at this weight, surely when I go to uni and start resistance sports again ( ) the muscle weight will bring me up into normal?

    Anyway, I don't want to set asside my whole days food because there is a chance I will eat it all in one go, and i'm doing a lot of social stuff in the evenings. However, I am looking forward to doing this with my lunch so that I know i'm getting a decent amount and a nice balance. Then I can take it out with me if i'm with friends and save money (and i've found that I genuinely hate fast food now. Like genuinely).

    Purplesherbet you have made my day
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    Today I have eaten porridge for breakfast, an apple and Alpen bar mid-morning, a chicken sandwich and now another apple. Heading to a Zumba class soon and a jacket potato for dinner. Kind of dreading being at home alone during my free few hours tomorrow but I will try to keep busy.
    Cinnie thank you that makes me so determined to do this! xxx
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    I had my whole body composition tests today and got the results; it's my first big mad measurement since my recovery began and they needed to check it all out to make sure I was okay to return to work, and met the absolute minimum physical requirements.

    To be honest I've had a tough time coming to terms with my new "nigh on recovered" frame as I'm bursting out of my old clothes; but mum says "You're a man, you shouldn't BE in size XXS and XS for boxers and tops" etc. Now, my XS boxers cut me in two. I think seeing the numbers of it all today really hit things home - I spoiler them for number-triggerable folks.

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    They put me in the immersion chamber for full body composition and it came back:

    Height: 166cm
    Weight: 115.8lb
    BMI: 18.6
    BODY FAT: 12.8%

    I thought the body fat part seemed excruciatingly high for someone who at one point was down to about 5%, last year; that's not bragging, that's me just saying I can't believe I gained so much and it was all just pure fat. I would've thought the recovery diet would have me gaining more in the way of lean body mass, but the doctor explained that 12.8 is by no means a high percentage, despite gaining several inches on my waist.

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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I had my whole body composition tests today and got the results; it's my first big mad measurement since my recovery began and they needed to check it all out to make sure I was okay to return to work, and met the absolute minimum physical requirements.

    To be honest I've had a tough time coming to terms with my new "nigh on recovered" frame as I'm bursting out of my old clothes; but mum says "You're a man, you shouldn't BE in size XXS and XS for boxers and tops" etc. Now, my XS boxers cut me in two. I think seeing the numbers of it all today really hit things home - I spoiler them for number-triggerable folks.

    Spoiler:
    Show


    They put me in the immersion chamber for full body composition and it came back:

    Height: 166cm
    Weight: 115.8lb
    BMI: 18.6
    BODY FAT: 12.8%

    I thought the body fat part seemed excruciatingly high for someone who at one point was down to about 5%, last year; that's not bragging, that's me just saying I can't believe I gained so much and it was all just pure fat. I would've thought the recovery diet would have me gaining more in the way of lean body mass, but the doctor explained that 12.8 is by no means a high percentage, despite gaining several inches on my waist.

    Toto, your BF% is still tiny!
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    I'm male remember, snow; for a girl that's weeeee, but for a dude that's like... mid.

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    my waist went from 26" to almost 31". That shows you the difference!!
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I'm male remember, snow; for a girl that's weeeee, but for a dude that's like... mid.

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    my waist went from 26" to almost 31". That shows you the difference!!
    I know. In other news,
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    why the **** can I see bones I've never seen before, i.e my ribs & hip bones, yet at my worst last time I was the best part of a stone lighter, and the latter were never visible??
 
 
 
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