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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

    • #106
    #106

    Freedom twice in one day, I finished my A Level exams and got officially signed-off from out-patient clinic. I never have to go back there ever! Though they were a bit annoyed because I've lost quite a bit since they've last saw me but I convinced them everything is completely fine so they let me go! But I've got to go for another Bone Scan which is a pain. Trying to talk some sense into myself because I keep thinking my thigh (bones?) are bigger but I know it's not fat because I can't even pinch any but I just think they look wider than before. But it's not possible because I haven't changed in weight. I'm going crazy. But ho-hum, FREEEDOM!
    • #48
    #48

    I think I've pinpointed the reason why I'm experiencing a lot of anxiety at the moment; it's largely (but not always) when food is around and/or when I'm unable to get to a toilet quickly.

    TMI:
    Spoiler:
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    Embarrassing confession time - I think I must have IBS or something, if I get stressed out (which happens a lot atm) I get a very very bad stomach, constantly needing the loo which makes travelling very difficult. I've also found that I can go to the toilet just before I leave but the second we start driving I need to go again and get quite anxious when I can't. If someone goes to the bathroom or to have a bath (only one toilet in the house) again I get a bit anxious even if I didn't previously need the loo. If someone presents me with food, I feel physically sick and bloated even if I was previously hungry. My parents commented over the weekend that they 'know I've been on a silly diet' (said in a loving worried way rather than anything else)... I'm not really sure what to do.
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    Need a place to vent, hope I'm welcome!

    spoilers for numbers!
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    I've been struggling with EDnos now for over a year and I'm mentally so so tired of it. I finally told my dad about 3 months ago in a big meltdown and I thought he would perhaps support me but nope, he doesn't mention it. He doesn't even acknowledge it. I think partly it's because I'm a healthy weight and he doesn't understand that going from 220 to 130-135 (I'm 5'8) in 9 months can be damaging. he constantly forces me out to lunch with family and refused to take me for my ultrasound (because I haven't had a period in 3 months! warning sign dad!) because I'm 'probably fine'. It jut gets me down and makes me think I'm definitely not worthy of recovery because I'm clearly not ill enough shsuheosoqskxislsichd



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    Managed to go for a meal today and this normally makes me panic. But you know what? I enjoyed it today is a good day!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Freedom twice in one day, I finished my A Level exams and got officially signed-off from out-patient clinic. I never have to go back there ever! Though they were a bit annoyed because I've lost quite a bit since they've last saw me but I convinced them everything is completely fine so they let me go! But I've got to go for another Bone Scan which is a pain. Trying to talk some sense into myself because I keep thinking my thigh (bones?) are bigger but I know it's not fat because I can't even pinch any but I just think they look wider than before. But it's not possible because I haven't changed in weight. I'm going crazy. But ho-hum, FREEEDOM!
    Yay, well done!
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    I don't know if i'm allowed to do this but I thoroughly recommend reading 'healing your hungry heart' for anyone with an eating disorder. I'm finding it quite enlightening. Linney especially. There is no time to be 'worthy' of recovery. Unfortunately most seek it when it gets to the point that the unbearable pain gets worse than the protection offered by the disorder, or they are facing death. At this point it takes so much more time and work to find yourself again. Anyone who has recovered will tell you that recovery is so much more of a life than the lie of an eating disorder. It's a lie, a completely fake way of removing yourself from your life or becoming something perfect. Believe me, you are ill. By the time you are 'ill enough' you may not be able to accept help without tonnes of struggling because that demon would have suffocated the real you so much.

    You'll need support, but you can't be 'saved' because it's not as glamorous as that. You can build the path to recovery and start by admitting you need and want to get better.
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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    Managed to go for a meal today and this normally makes me panic. But you know what? I enjoyed it today is a good day!
    Yayyyyyy
    • #112
    #112

    Hey everyone,

    My boyfriend split up with me a few days ago, and i feel terrible. He's been there throughout my inpatient treatment and now outpatient treatment. We have been together for over 3 years. I believe this ED has definitely been out to ruin me, and just as things are now on the up, this happens. I think (due to the ED) because i have had zero libido for the past 7 months this has been a major factor in him falling out of love with me. I hate my ED for everything it has taken away from me, even though im i recovery, it is still taking from me.

    And, i can feel the grip of the ED taking hold, almost instantly. The usual thoughts, 'i'm rubbish, i'm fat, i'm useless and not perfect. That is why no one loves me' are all rushing back at an alarming rate. Can anyone advise?

    Thankyou xxxx
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    I don't know if i'm allowed to do this but I thoroughly recommend reading 'healing your hungry heart' for anyone with an eating disorder. I'm finding it quite enlightening. Linney especially. There is no time to be 'worthy' of recovery. Unfortunately most seek it when it gets to the point that the unbearable pain gets worse than the protection offered by the disorder, or they are facing death. At this point it takes so much more time and work to find yourself again. Anyone who has recovered will tell you that recovery is so much more of a life than the lie of an eating disorder. It's a lie, a completely fake way of removing yourself from your life or becoming something perfect. Believe me, you are ill. By the time you are 'ill enough' you may not be able to accept help without tonnes of struggling because that demon would have suffocated the real you so much.

    You'll need support, but you can't be 'saved' because it's not as glamorous as that. You can build the path to recovery and start by admitting you need and want to get better.
    This sounds pretty interesting; I've read a couple of pretty rubbish books on EDs and found them quite patronising; have been looking for a while for something good to read on them. And I know exactly what you mean and I think it's something that definitely needs to change with how GPs deal with eating disorders; my GP refused to help because my BMI wasn't "anorexic" enough and I honestly think I'd have had to get to the point where my organs are in danger of failing before he gives a stuff about me. He actually told my diabetes nurses I'm "not his problem". Luckily they are fantastic and have finally got me back on the waiting list for treatment but I think it's ridiculous that doctors have to see that you're dangerously ill before they are willing to help; by that point your cognitive ability starts to become seriously impaired and it's too late for therapy for a lot of sufferers. Makes me pretty sad and angry to think that so many could have been saved if only they'd have got the help early enough when they were better able to respond to therapies.
    The NHS seriously needs to change and take eating disorders far more seriously.
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    I don't know whether compulsive overeating can justify getting my fasting blood sugars done? KNow I'm a hypochondriac but no-one takes me seriously about it on the basis I'm not overweight :rolleyes: and I'm getting quite sick of being dizzy/headachey stoamchachey/tired/dehydrated/confused half the time.
    Could just be reinforcing illness/idea of it if I'm exaggerating, could stop me going diabetic young. Mum seems against it, reckons I'll get ignored because there's no need... I don't know what's the bet choice.
    • #50
    #50

    I've always had great teeth. Never a problem with them. Now there's decay on two of them. Could it be due to the purging? :sad: I love my teeth!
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    Very definately yes it could be due to purging. I'm sorry.
    • Thread Starter
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    It is just common sense, which is something your ED stifles and you furiously try to justify to yourself. Purging rips away instantly the mucus and then the tissue lining of your oesophagus, stomach and teeth. Laxatives stifle water regulation in the intestine. Calorie restriction destroys chemical balance and metabolic rate.

    "If Ive restricted or purged consistently and want to start eating a normal human amount, will i gain weight?"

    Of freaking course you will. Youre killing your body and it is trying to heal itself. It does not want to expire. It thinks, "Jesus Christ, is she genuinely letting me feed the organs today?! Give them everything we can spare!!".

    But "weight gain" as a premise is one we tend to fear. In reality we should use the videogame terminology and say "health", not "weight."

    Gain some "health", people.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    It is just common sense, which is something your ED stifles and you furiously try to justify to yourself. Purging rips away instantly the mucus and then the tissue lining of your oesophagus, stomach and teeth. Laxatives stifle water regulation in the intestine. Calorie restriction destroys chemical balance and metabolic rate.

    "If Ive restricted or purged consistently and want to start eating a normal human amount, will i gain weight?"

    Of freaking course you will. Youre killing your body and it is trying to heal itself. It does not want to expire. It thinks, "Jesus Christ, is she genuinely letting me feed the organs today?! Give them everything we can spare!!".

    But "weight gain" as a premise is one we tend to fear. In reality we should use the videogame terminology and say "health", not "weight."

    Gain some "health", people.
    I like this. - Health sounds a huge deal more careful than weight... it's not such a harsh triggering word. I actually felt sorry for myself when I read that statement.

    I've already been triggered this week because of all the exams I've been having and are still due, and etc... I've had to eat more than normal - although not "healthy" Normal, I must point out.

    It's going straight back on...

    Everytime I wake up in the mornings, I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I'm torturing myself - like it's some sort of ritual flagellation that I've got to get myself through. And once it's over, I can "restore myself back to the way I was" or "What's the point of all the purging before when I'm like this again? Look, I'm huge!"

    But I have to. Or I can't concentrate. 200kcals for just cereal.

    Do you have any tips or a coping-mechanism - just until all this is over?

    I've already purged three times today. Once - involuntarily - because I ate too much.

    ....
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    It is just common sense, which is something your ED stifles and you furiously try to justify to yourself. Purging rips away instantly the mucus and then the tissue lining of your oesophagus, stomach and teeth. Laxatives stifle water regulation in the intestine. Calorie restriction destroys chemical balance and metabolic rate.

    "If Ive restricted or purged consistently and want to start eating a normal human amount, will i gain weight?"

    Of freaking course you will. Youre killing your body and it is trying to heal itself. It does not want to expire. It thinks, "Jesus Christ, is she genuinely letting me feed the organs today?! Give them everything we can spare!!".

    But "weight gain" as a premise is one we tend to fear. In reality we should use the videogame terminology and say "health", not "weight."

    Gain some "health", people.
    And ALSO, I'm really, REALLY, sorry about the other day when I asked you that stupid question.

    I'd read your story on the first page but I hadn't read the name of the thread starter and I feel like a complete moron right now.

    Please, forgive me. It must've made you so mad. :please:
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've always had great teeth. Never a problem with them. Now there's decay on two of them. Could it be due to the purging? :sad: I love my teeth!
    Yeah. I've noticed that too. My teeth have always been perfect but lately, they've developed a sort of chipped top and are growing transparent at the bottom.

    I'm also a fruit lover. The enamel being taken off may be primarily due to eating fruit with this disorder.
    • #50
    #50

    (Original post by CollateralElement)
    Yeah. I've noticed that too. My teeth have always been perfect but lately, they've developed a sort of chipped top and are growing transparent at the bottom.

    I'm also a fruit lover. The enamel being taken off may be primarily due to eating fruit with this disorder.
    Yeah, I eat like 2-3 apples every day! I've been purging less lately though And the poor state of my teeth (I mean, that's the first thing people see when you smile or talk, right?) has given me more motivation to stop. I've always thought "hah, you guys have bad teeth but that won't happen to me because I have thousands of tricks to make the acid have less of an effect on me" but since it's happening even though I'm taking precautions must mean there really is no escape. I'll just have to eat like a normal human being! Scary, huh?

    Oh and I think I'll switch to bananas. Good to get some potassium back, too.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah, I eat like 2-3 apples every day! I've been purging less lately though And the poor state of my teeth (I mean, that's the first thing people see when you smile or talk, right?) has given me more motivation to stop. I've always thought "hah, you guys have bad teeth but that won't happen to me because I have thousands of tricks to make the acid have less of an effect on me" but since it's happening even though I'm taking precautions must mean there really is no escape. I'll just have to eat like a normal human being! Scary, huh?

    Oh and I think I'll switch to bananas. Good to get some potassium back, too.
    Exactly. It's a killer. That's what I thought too and that was my main motivation to get back on track... but... it isn't working so well.

    Motivation doesn't seem to be enough for me... But if you're strong willed, it'll be easy for you Really. Wishing you the best.

    There isn't an escape and I'm dreading the final stages of this disorder...It's all getting more and more real and serious.

    Yup. Bananas sound good. Also, my mom's a nurse. Whenever I'll ill with a tummy bug, she'd give me a banana and say *trigger sentence avoided* no harm to stomach and lining.

    -- so presumably, not much acid damage.
    • Thread Starter
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    Collateral, no harm and no foul!! I started the thread when I was REALLY ill and have continued on as I have been in my recovery until now. Though I'm still in recovery, I am now in the later stages, finding healthier body mass, weight, habits and reasoning.

    So in some ways I've been through all the emotions you guys have, and it's still fresh in the mind, which makes it easier for me to sympathise.

    Anonymous, I never actually purged as such; simply heavily restricted. But what I DO know is that you're kinda kidding yourself a bit; you're trying to make excuses for the abnormal ED behaviour. Of COURSE it's the purging rotting your teeth as opposed to fruit. Consider that for a second.

    I have a sister who drinks a stupid amount of Pepsi a day, and still eats her five a day; her teeth are absolutely perfect. Though my immune system was a bit raped from the ED I too eat a lot of fruit but my dentist says my teeth are, unlike my bones (ravaged through osteoperosis) are perfect.

    Purging rips apart the oesophagus (gullet), diminishes the effects of mucus linings, causing peptic ulcers, and destroys tooth enamel and tongue nodes (tastebuds).

    But I know how your ED works; you try to make up ANY other reasoning. ANY other excuse to continue the behaviour. "My hair is falling out because it's genetic male pattern baldness". "I have no libido because I'm too stressed". NO. It's the ED's grip that is causing these things, and acceptance of that is another amazing positive step. X
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    Nothing terrible, but disordered thoughts are getting worse the closer I come to summer. Getting horribly body-conscious over seeing the girl I like next week at a party lol. Now I'm not thinking of every other party before that as enjoyable but threatening : /
 
 
 
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