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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. Watch

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    The above post autocorrected "human" to "gums", inexplicably.

    To other sufferers of compulsion-based eating disorders, in the early stages of wanting to recover, try these two steps. When you realise your "dieting" or"habits" become a helpless routine, almost chore-like, your eating disorder is a reality and developed. When you recognise this point, and wish to change, but FEAR that change...

    ANOREXIC'S DAY OFF.

    In the same way a smoker or drinker needs to learn there is no REAL dependance on the ED, take a "day off". Part of the fear is a permanent change, but by trying this you get to experience one day every week living as normal, but with the luxury of knowing tomorrow you can return to your "safe" routine.

    It's appropriate allegedly God even needed a day of rest after building the world; I suppose the least you can do is take the same to enjoy the real one.
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    Riku being out every night is a lot by anyones standards. Personally I would give myself a break. You are genuinely tired from being out so much, it seems totally normal to me.

    ------

    Been struggling lately. Sugar is a real problem for me, as well as change in routine. If a change in routine means i'm not hungry when I should be I just get all confused and stupid and often end up eating more than normal anyway because it's all junk!? So stupid

    Also, with the sun coming out, i'm routing through my clothes to find something to wear. The last time it was hot, I was wearing belts with all my size 8's and 6's. Now I find my 8's uncomfortable and feel horrible in everything. I know that at 5ft8 and with decent hips I should be enjoying size 10's but buying them is such a psychological hurdle for me that it's actually triggered some pretty awful self loathing that I can't seem to shake off.

    I know I can't go back to that size if I don't want to risk being totally infertile, and that's the main thing pushing me not to relapse.
    • #81
    #81

    Same, I've been so good recently which confuses me why I went on a crazy bender last night/this morning. It's not like i was obsessing that much about my binge foods. Anyways, after these crappy situations, I keep saying to myself, "just dust yourself and try again but that's not any good in my opinion". It just sort of creates that false self validating shield which just leads me going down the same route again.

    Anyhow, I'm hopeful for us bed/bulimiacs. Apparently there's new research out there showing that the neurons in your brain are able to re-wire themselves (term called neuroplasticity). Therefore, if you stop giving into the binge urges, the neurons responsible for these urges stop firing and die.
    • #81
    #81

    And I'm really overwhelmed at the moment. I'm meant to be having leaving drinks at the weekend but I'm too scared to go off my diet. Plus, I suffer from the munchies badly whenever I'm blootered !
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    I was getting fascinated by the power of this gums! :P haha, we humans are strangely stubborn creatures. It's a miracle, really.

    Cinnie and Anon, watch out for your choice of words. 'I should' is such a demanding statement that chains us to follow one way without consideration for a better alternative, while thinking of things in terms of 'being good' and 'bad' is setting yourself up to fail. It's already been shown that humans defy the logic of even life and death; what makes you think we're not all prone to human error, and that's what makes us so unique and wonderful? Things are rarely as black-and-white as they seem, and the only way to realise that is to risk the change. x

    ____
    Boundaries are getting pushed immensely, physically and emotionally. One whole week without the gym and instead I've had my first assessment with Adult MH, seen Dad, gone to watch Dark Knight (and miss it-stupid projector broken down grrr, free compensatory iMax tickets though! ), been to the Manchester MCM Expo comic-con and to see Twelfth Night in the park on top. Plus I've made new friends including one who works in the music industry and can get a gig for a friend's band which is beyond lucky.
    Today I have the choice between 'giving in' and going for a work-out, and going to the beach. God this is exhausting but amazing!
    I don't know whether this is a day in the life of a normal person or I am blessed with a thousand awesome opportunities and just really scared to do them in case I get fat.

    ...and I'm choosing the beach. I feel like crying.
    I'm hideously aware how crap my diet has been from all this plus clubbing twice/pub-crawl yesterday and can't tell whether I'm genuinely out of shape or just getting anxious but not knowing is driving me crazy.
    Spoiler:
    Show

    To make things worse I panicked and weighed myself yesterday and I'm now...12st 2lbs 0_0 still only 31-32' on jeans but aaargh I dread to think what my bf% is or if it's loads of visceral fat underneath pr something
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Riku being out every night is a lot by anyones standards. Personally I would give myself a break. You are genuinely tired from being out so much, it seems totally normal to me.

    ------

    Been struggling lately. Sugar is a real problem for me, as well as change in routine. If a change in routine means i'm not hungry when I should be I just get all confused and stupid and often end up eating more than normal anyway because it's all junk!? So stupid

    Also, with the sun coming out, i'm routing through my clothes to find something to wear. The last time it was hot, I was wearing belts with all my size 8's and 6's. Now I find my 8's uncomfortable and feel horrible in everything. I know that at 5ft8 and with decent hips I should be enjoying size 10's but buying them is such a psychological hurdle for me that it's actually triggered some pretty awful self loathing that I can't seem to shake off.

    I know I can't go back to that size if I don't want to risk being totally infertile, and that's the main thing pushing me not to relapse.
    -squish.- I hate it being so hot, I end up with no appetite because all i want to do is drink water. Sisters seen what I've had at lunch, 'God, you've not got much, all you've got is some cucumber and some ham and some other stuff.' I don't comment on what she's got, so shes got no right to comment on mine.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    -squish.- I hate it being so hot, I end up with no appetite because all i want to do is drink water. Sisters seen what I've had at lunch, 'God, you've not got much, all you've got is some cucumber and some ham and some other stuff.' I don't comment on what she's got, so shes got no right to comment on mine.
    I always hated that. It was always like that at home. *hug* Just stay strong. The heat does affect appetite. All you can do is try and block it out or say exactly what you just wrote back to your sister! x
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    Another thing that's difficult to accurately define is where your bodily impulses start and begin and where the ED is calling the shots. Your tongue starts to betray you as it works for the ED.

    "I don't even like butter."

    No, you DO. The ED hates it though.

    "I can't eat when im stressed/too cold/on a train" etc, etc.; sometimes if you stop and listen you notice your ED speaking for you, as you peer around you, scowling at others managing no bother; the hilarious and simultaneously terrifying thing is, like I said, your ED convinces you your gang of five pals are totally wrong eating their Greggs jam doughnuts as you indulge in half an apple...
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Another thing that's difficult to accurately define is where your bodily impulses start and begin and where the ED is calling the shots. Your tongue starts to betray you as it works for the ED.

    "I don't even like butter."

    No, you DO. The ED hates it though.

    "I can't eat when im stressed/too cold/on a train" etc, etc.; sometimes if you stop and listen you notice your ED speaking for you, as you peer around you, scowling at others managing no bother; the hilarious and simultaneously terrifying thing is, like I said, your ED convinces you your gang of five pals are totally wrong eating their Greggs jam doughnuts as you indulge in half an apple...
    butter is amazing. Only ever have it (sometimes) at Christmas, as its never in the house otherwise. Went slightly mad with it whilst in Berlin last year.
    • #118
    #118

    Hi everyone.

    I've recently been wondering whether or not I have an eating disorder and would appreciate someone else's opinion on my situation. Frankly, I can't tell any more.

    Well I'm 19 now and I've hated the way I look probably since the beginning of secondary school and I've always had a bad attitude towards food. I was a "fussy eater" as a kid which led to lots of arguements with my parents. I turned vegetarian when I was about 14 but never really ate meat before that which frustrated my parents no end.

    Even though I have always been around a size 8 or 10, I have always seen myself as the "fat one" in my circle of friends. They always looked so nice, they had all the right clothes, they were popular, had boyfriends etc. They just had better figures, I just felt horrible in comparison.

    To make matters worse, I was messed around and treated badly by a couple of guys during my teenage years. I used to hang around with people a couple of years above me and we all used to hang out together. I ended up meeting a mutual friend of theirs, a guy from another school who was older than me, at a party. He said he really liked me and asked for my number and we started chatting and texting a lot. He said he wanted to ask me out and me being a 14 year old, I was ecstatic that a cute older boy wanted to ask me out. He told me he wanted to do it in person, the best way, so arranged to meet me. He never showed up, and messaged me to say that he'd decided to ask out someone else he liked more. From then on, I felt totally inadequate. I was pretty down for a long time after that, it just fuelled the self-loathing and I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone. About a year later, I started making my own friends in my classes and things looked a little better. I got a "boyfriend" but I'm reluctant to call him that. He didn't really know how to be in a relationship, he wasn't loving or caring, he never complimented me, he was just a bit clueless. I don't think it was malicious, just him being out of his depth. Unsurprisingly, that relationship broke down and a week later he started going out with someone else, of course she was thinner, smarter, prettier.

    Finally, about 3 years ago, I met my (recently) ex-boyfriend. He knew I had painfully low self-esteem and had been one of my closest friends. I used to call him up in tears asking what I should do about my previous relationship as I was sick of feeling unwanted. When that relationship ended, he asked me out and I was over the moon. I'd had a crush on this guy before but dismissed it as he'd been in a long-term relationship at the time. He told me he'd always liked me and things worked between us straight away.

    I think I was in love with him. (I say I think because apparently you never know what love is until you meet the right person, and since he wasn't the right person I can only hope there's someone better for me out there.) Over the course of our relationship, I managed to get more comfortable with things that had plagued me before. I generally feel uncomfortable eating in front of new people. It's always struck me as a kind of gross thing that I can't imagine is very pretty, so I'm quite selective about who I allow to see me eat. I felt like I could completely be myself around him, I could eat what I wanted without him counting the calories, I could wear hideous slouchy clothes to chill out. He was the first person to see me undressed and although it bothered me immensely to start with, it all became totally natural. He still knew I was painfully insecure and he would compliment me a lot, he'd tell me how beautiful I was and how I wasn't huge as I imagined I was and that he thought I looked great, and I stupidly believed him. Having tried to control my calorie intake previously, I forgot about it. I figured it didn't matter because I was only trying to impress him and he liked me how I was.

    Unfortunately, it was all a lie. A couple of months ago I found out he cheated on me with one of his new flatmates at uni and he dumped me, three years of relationship ended over the phone. She'd always made me feel inferior, she was skinny with big boobs and pretty and smart. I told him she made me feel uncomfortable and he would always say that he'd never go near her and she wasn't his type. I also found out just before we broke up that he wanted me to be bigger. He said he would have been more attracted to me if I was fat. I remember crying for hours because this guy wanted me to be the very thing I was terrified of being and I didn't know what to do.

    Since we broke up, my eating habits have been all over the place. If given an excuse not to eat, I won't eat. I was told for medical reasons I could only have clear liquids for a couple of days. I carried it on for as long as I could, before I cracked and ate some rice cakes or something equally unsubstantial. I always try and find ways around eating. I used to work full-time, instead of lunch I would drink fruit juice and occasionally some nuts or something if I needed to feel I was eating something solid. When I get really upset, I've always had a tendency to binge eat junk food, then of course I feel depressed because I look in the mirror and think I'm fat. I just feel like I can't win.

    I recently asked some of my male friends what they thought about different types of girls and their figures, including my own. One of them called me up on my habits. He said "you always refer to yourself as fat or doughy, but you're not and I don't understand it, you're tiny." I think I've gotten to a place where my opinion of myself is so warped that I don't know what I look like any more. I think if someone presented me with a line of people of different sizes, I don't believe I'd be able to place myself accurately in that line. I see girls who are the exact same dress size as me and I think that they look thin and that I look fat, even in the same outfits. I've started exercising as much as I can bear, including running which I have always hated. I'll push myself until I can't take any more because I feel like I've got to lose the weight. I never eat breakfast, I rarely eat lunch and I'm frequently out at dinner time and miss that too.

    Since my ex dumped me, I only seem to attract attention from guys after one night stands. I can't seem to find anyone who wants a relationship with me, which in a way is fine. I know I don't need a relationship to be happy, I'm definitely happy with my own company. But I just feel like I'm not good enough. I wasn't good enough for any of the guys in my past, even my ex who I thought loved me more than anything. I wonder if I was skinnier, would it have made a difference. If I wasn't the fat, unattractive one, would they have wanted to be with me, would my ex have stayed? (Probably not, given he always wanted me to even fatter, hence told me I was fine the way I am.)

    I'm sorry this is so long. I suppose telling my "story" is pretty liberating as I haven't really talked to anyone about it before. I feel silly because I don't know if this is an eating disorder or just me being a stupid girl. Any insight would be really helpful, I don't know what to do and at the moment, I don't think I'll be happy until I can see my ribs and I know that's not healthy. Thanks guys.
    • #100
    #100

    I cant stop eating, its great :rolleyes: I love just stuffing myself and then throwing it all back up, I mean really this is what my life has become and this is all my life is now so why dont I just ****ing embrace it, its a part of me and its started to creep into my work life, made myself sick at work this afternoon, first time I've ever done that. Its obviously going to become an every day thing, a 'norm' in my life so I give up, I ****ING GIVE UP, WHATEVER THIS 'ILLNESS' IS, WHOEVER THE VOICE IN MY HEAD IS THAT I CANT GET AWAY FROM, THIS IS FOR YOU!!!! YOU ****ING WIN OKAY??? YOU ****ING WIN.
    • #48
    #48

    It's 10 times harder to eat when it's this hot. Bleh. Plus I feel sick and miserable all the time right now My appetite has just vanished, and it's not even intentional.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anon 118
    The sheer volume of ties between your emotions and your eating, and the fact that you miss most meals... in fact most of that whole post indicates very strongly IMO that you have an eating disorder. There is help out there hun xxx


    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anon 100
    SO MANY people have been so overtaken by their illness that they don't feel like going on, but manage it. At the moment, you are so ill that you just feel like giving up fighting. I bet you any money that one day you will wake up and say 'You know what, there are a few things i'd actually like to do with my life'... and then go '**** ... my legs won't take me. **** .... my body is in ruins' and maybe 10 years down the line it'll be too late.

    You do want to prevent this, even if you feel too hopeless. This is why you need a helping hand right now. Please ask for help! you really can do it
    • #118
    #118

    (Original post by Cinnie)
    The sheer volume of ties between your emotions and your eating, and the fact that you miss most meals... in fact most of that whole post indicates very strongly IMO that you have an eating disorder. There is help out there hun xxx
    Thank you for taking the time to read all of that, it was much longer than I anticipated so it's hugely appreciated.

    I know people say help is out there, but what kind of help? And where am I supposed to get it? Who do I go to?
    I've always felt silly about talking to a professional about it because I've never thought what I've "got" counts as something worth talking about.
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    People in recovery stage: how did you keep going and stay strong? I've gained a little (unintentionally; had to give up running for a while because my bones are getting weak) and am 1lb off a healthy bmi but in the last 3 days, despite all the compliments and positivity from everyone, I'm terrified by my changing body and have not had a meal and have spent an hour and a half in the gym every day. My curves look quite nice at times but it just feels so uncomfortable because it's gone straight to my thighs and stomach, even if it's barely noticeable it feels like stones to me. I can feel myself slipping into a massive relapse and I just wish I could push past this and be free of anorexia. This has happened before and I've ended up losing more weight than ever and the same is about to happen.
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    Anon 118 - A doctor first and formost.. which will lead to therapy/group therapy/nutritionist help. Everyone believes they are not sick enough but that's just not the case. If you are not ready, just first tell someone you trust about how much you are struggling. Sometimes just being honest can help you be honest with yourself.

    Disenchanted, firstly it's great that you are near a healthy BMI. I am also on that border, and have exactly the same problem. Stomach an thighs. It helps me to go in stages. I completely hate the change at first, but I tell myself that there is just literally no option of going back to where I was (and yup i've thrown away the clothes that don't fit/look good) . When there is no option I started to tolerate hating it. Then I started to tolerate it.. now it's just... me! It's fine! And it's still very slim so remember that other people see that even if you don't yet.

    Then when I change I hate it again. I am hoping I can stay at the bottom of healthy and my menst cycle will come back, although i'm not too sure =/ sigh.
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    Disenchanted, my bmi is now 18.7/18.8 and it is all lower abdomen and facial; but my therapist would always talk about a "cognitive shift" where you start to simply accept who you are, and not WHAT you are. You begin to appreciate the tissues of your body exist for a reason. You start to be less selfish (anorexics are inherently so).

    I believe this is only starting with me in the past few weeks.

    You have to stick with it longer. Maybe take a breather, don't LOSE any more, but look at who you are, accept it. This is who you are. X
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    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    People in recovery stage: how did you keep going and stay strong? I've gained a little (unintentionally; had to give up running for a while because my bones are getting weak) and am 1lb off a healthy bmi but in the last 3 days, despite all the compliments and positivity from everyone, I'm terrified by my changing body and have not had a meal and have spent an hour and a half in the gym every day. My curves look quite nice at times but it just feels so uncomfortable because it's gone straight to my thighs and stomach, even if it's barely noticeable it feels like stones to me. I can feel myself slipping into a massive relapse and I just wish I could push past this and be free of anorexia. This has happened before and I've ended up losing more weight than ever and the same is about to happen.
    D firstly, :hug: Secondly, it will all go to your stomach and thighs in recovery (not sure about why it goes to your thighs). We've all seen Toto taking about his pot belly and stick thin arms, theres a reason it goes there, whats hiding behind your bellybutton? Pretty much all of your organs. And it goes there to protect them and why does it do that, because if they don't work than you probably will end up turning yellow and then die, and that would be rubbish, because you're too nice for that. and we like you.
    • #103
    #103

    Guys, I ate breakfast this morning. Voluntarily! I've shocked myself...!
    • #30
    #30

    Did anyone watch Worlds Maddest Job Interview? There was an ex bulimic and I was surprised by the results


    http://www.channel4.com/programmes/w...es-1/episode-1
 
 
 
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