Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. Watch

    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by *custardcream)
    Anonymous #24 - is it light/bright blood or dark? If it's dark go to A&E. Like, seriously. If It's light/bright get down to your GP.

    Diamond - so pleased you've possibly got the chance of more help. If you find the right person, trust me, it helps. Just having someone LISTEN. . If you don't click with your T it's going to be a nightmare, there will be no trust and of COURSE you'll hold back. A good therapist will support you through to disclose things at your own pace. I STILL haven't brought up the whole situation with my ex *shudders and blanks* and it's been over a year...

    Today -
    MP
    Spoiler:
    Show
    First full day of new MP...

    B - 2 weetabix, 100ml semi-skim milk
    S - 200ml semi-skim milk
    L - ½ portion sandwich (1 slice WM bread, 4g butter, 20g chicken) and small salad
    Dr - 200ml tea with semi-skim milk
    T - ½ portion sandwich (1 slice WM bread, 4g butter, 20g chicken) and small salad
    Dr - 200ml tea with semi-skim milk
    S - 200ml semi-skim milk

    My guts are KILLING from that weetabix

    Hard hard day, but I got through and used the staff. Struggled with breakfast. Snack was ok - I'm ok with drinking the milk for a snack now no problem *big achievement there I guess* . Lunch though... God, I cried and mutilated my sandwich and salad (pretty unlike me to totally destroy something before eating it) but I got through it, spoke later to the nurse who was doing my obs who was really nice. Spoke later on to my keyworker M who is really good (she's the most senior nurse there lol) as well which made me feel better.

    Been sociable this evening though, watched BGT with one of the staff nurses who likes me, she very enthusiastic haha . Then sat on the balcony for ages with the other patients who are sociable and that was really nice, they made me feel included .

    Fingers crossed for a decent night's sleep... Going to have my prn (temazepam) I think to help things along...
    :hugs: I hope this doesn't sound patronising because it's really not meant to but I'm honestly so proud of you. Hope you're doing ok right now.
    Offline

    1
    how odd i heard that binge eating disorder is most common!
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Kebbabi, Diamonddust, I'm absolutely heartwarmed to see how much stronger you two have become only in a matter of days. Your positivity is shining through and it'll radiate into your being, and this is all about feeling good about YOU. About making YOU feel like your actions are the correct ones to make, not about tricking yourself into things. If you feel like you're deceiving yourself then you're not quite *there* yet. You have to keep taking the baby steps until you can appreciate the good stuff again; I'm not saying you'll forget all those bad things and scrutinies your ED has given you, but by focusing on those things that give you smiles and strength, you might be able to smile for YOU, a real smile - not a fake one through the mask of the ED.
    Ah, you perceptive man I suppose I haven't really been honest - well, I have in that I have been optimistic about everything these last couple of days, but I didn't quite get to eating in reflection to that... I guess I've been tricking myself, thinking that the intention to eat something is just the same as eating it. I've managed about 200-600 cals a day, which is better than nothing but nowhere near as many as it is in my head!

    Anyway you saying that has prompted me to stop being so hypocritical and actually do as I say! I'm meant to be eating out tonight for a friend's birthday, and I was planning on the usual last-minute excuse to not go, but now I think I will actually go. Even if I only have a salad starter, it's a baby step in the right direction, right?
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by *custardcream)
    Anonymous #24 - is it light/bright blood or dark? If it's dark go to A&E. Like, seriously. If It's light/bright get down to your GP.

    Diamond - so pleased you've possibly got the chance of more help. If you find the right person, trust me, it helps. Just having someone LISTEN. . If you don't click with your T it's going to be a nightmare, there will be no trust and of COURSE you'll hold back. A good therapist will support you through to disclose things at your own pace. I STILL haven't brought up the whole situation with my ex *shudders and blanks* and it's been over a year...

    Today -
    MP
    Spoiler:
    Show
    First full day of new MP...

    B - 2 weetabix, 100ml semi-skim milk
    S - 200ml semi-skim milk
    L - ½ portion sandwich (1 slice WM bread, 4g butter, 20g chicken) and small salad
    Dr - 200ml tea with semi-skim milk
    T - ½ portion sandwich (1 slice WM bread, 4g butter, 20g chicken) and small salad
    Dr - 200ml tea with semi-skim milk
    S - 200ml semi-skim milk

    My guts are KILLING from that weetabix

    Hard hard day, but I got through and used the staff. Struggled with breakfast. Snack was ok - I'm ok with drinking the milk for a snack now no problem *big achievement there I guess* . Lunch though... God, I cried and mutilated my sandwich and salad (pretty unlike me to totally destroy something before eating it) but I got through it, spoke later to the nurse who was doing my obs who was really nice. Spoke later on to my keyworker M who is really good (she's the most senior nurse there lol) as well which made me feel better.

    Been sociable this evening though, watched BGT with one of the staff nurses who likes me, she very enthusiastic haha . Then sat on the balcony for ages with the other patients who are sociable and that was really nice, they made me feel included .

    Fingers crossed for a decent night's sleep... Going to have my prn (temazepam) I think to help things along...
    You know, even though I hardly know you I feel like the more I get to know you the more I seem to like you, weird isn't it? I think it's because you're being so strong and fighting against it and I like that in you, even if it is hard you're still doing it. You should be proud of yourself.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by diamonddust)
    :hugs:

    I can't wait for the summer. I'm desperate for it. I just want these stupid exams to end. I'm so terrified about them, I don't know anything and I'm scared because I don't want to fail. Not again.
    I can't post much on this thread in case I trigger myself but good luck in your exams i'm really hoping to go to UEA too - see you there hopefully :hugs: :hugs:
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    pos trigger

    I've been lurking here for weeks, but too afraid to say anything because I'd end up crying a river :cry2:

    I don't want to post anon because I want to come to terms with it and admit that it's *me* who has a problem again. I don't have the courage to go into huge detail about my experiences with food, but I'm terrified of slipping back into the nightmare again. I have body dysmorphic disorder and social anxiety. I was diagnosed with anorexia a few years ago, and since then I've recovered well and managed to get up to a normal-ish weight. However, the past few months I've been utterly obsessed with food again. The problem is I'm very, very good at hiding it. My parents/most of my friends have no idea I'm starting to feel uneasy again. I binge like crazy, I sit and eat non-stop for hours and then feel ashamed of myself and promptly throw it back up, without anyone knowing.

    I'm sorry to say it, but I was perfectly happy to live like that. My only issue now is the fact that I'm feeling more and more guilty, and eating less and less. Before, I could binge/purge and it wouldn't matter.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Lately I've been wanting to avoid food altogether and start keeping calorie diaries again. If my parents are around when I eat or give me food, I just pretend to eat it. Usually I have an empty mug and pretend to drink from it, but actually I'm just spitting the food back in. Every now and then I'll have a snack like a muffin or an orange, but it usually comes straight back up. If I'm really hungry I'll just suck on an ice cube drink loads of water. I can't even chew gum lately. I've only started being this excessive the past couple of days, but I know I'm going to carry on doing it.


    I haven't been to uni in months because people question why I don't eat at lunch time. Usually when I'm at home I'll eat it and then be sick afterwards, but obviously I can't make out that I'm sick *every* time I'm in university. I know that I'm capable of eating without being sick, because on the rare occasions I eat in front of other people, I have no choice but to keep it down. However, since I have social anxiety I'm genuinely nervous about eating in front of anybody else anyway, so it doesn't happen very often. :dontknow:

    I know I've done well for recovering from my previous issues, but at the same time I absolutely hate it when somebody says I look "well" or "healthy". I can't stand it. I hate the way I look.
    I don't feel good. I've been in denial for ages for the sake of my friends and family, but I really am unhappy

    I got bullied a lot in school and I've never ever been able to shake it away. I was always the ugly girl that none of the boys wanted to talk to and all the girls laughed at. There's one particular girl who made my teenage years hell - she knew exactly what my weaknesses were and used them against me constantly. She's wormed her way back into my life recently and *still* picks on me for how I look. Deep down I know that she's just saying those things to make me feel awful again but it bloody works. I feel completely and utterly worthless. It's difficult because I'm known for being bubbly/happy/friendly/smiley and it's just so hard to keep up. I don't want to be a burden on everyone again.

    It's affecting me badly. I'm so exhausted, I have no energy for anything at all. My periods are messed up, I've have so many panic attacks it's ridiculous. I'm really, really trying to be sensible about it and see myself from other people's perspective but it's so difficult. Every time I lose a bit of weight, I'm happy.

    I've had a few sessions with the counsellor at uni. She knows that I binge, but not much else. I know I need to get some kind of help quickly before this develops further, but again due to SA mainly it's difficult for me to talk to other people, particularly health professionals. I find it really, really difficult to admit there's anything wrong in what I'm doing, or that I'm mistaken in how I feel. I know I'm nowhere near as bad as I was or going through as much as other people here but I really don't want to fall back into this... I don't know how to stop... I'm the heaviest I've ever been and it absolutely terrifies me. I can't stand the thought of it. ****.


    I don't even know what I want. Or what I'm even gaining from rambling now. I just needed to say it.
    I have a problem. I need help. I don't want to lie anymore.
    I want to stop myself. I know this is just a post on a forum but... hopefully it's some kind of step.

    I've just eaten a chocolate bar. Gonna try and keep it down.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by souldoubt)
    x
    :hugs: It seems to be a dominant theme that many of us with an ED have anxiety and BDD. In regards to the girl that has made her way back into your life, how? You have the power to keep her out and the way she is making you feeling is not very positive especially since you're trying to recover... is there not a way to get rid of her? That's not someone you want in your life.

    Also try not let your negative voice tell you that you are worthless since that is far from being accurate, you are worth a lot, everyone is... it is perfectly ok to not always be bubbly and happy, it seems like you're pressuring yourself to project a certain front but sometimes you have to let people know you're not always ok. I know it is hard since I do it myself, I don't always like to be a burden on people and sort my own problems but lets face it, you cannot really do this alone you do need help like you said and I know it might be hard especially with your anxiety but you really need to be genuine and tell your doctor/therapist everything, that way, they can start to address issues and help you.

    Don't ever feel like you're burdening people for being honest and 'rambling' especially to us here, we're here to help as much as possible... If you ever need to ramble some more you can PM me and I will always listen and do as much as I can
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Linweth)
    :hugs: It seems to be a dominant theme that many of us with an ED have anxiety and BDD. In regards to the girl that has made her way back into your life, how? You have the power to keep her out and the way she is making you feeling is not very positive especially since you're trying to recover... is there not a way to get rid of her? That's not someone you want in your life.

    Also try not let your negative voice tell you that you are worthless since that is far from being accurate, you are worth a lot, everyone is... it is perfectly ok to not always be bubbly and happy, it seems like you're pressuring yourself to project a certain front but sometimes you have to let people know you're not always ok. I know it is hard since I do it myself, I don't always like to be a burden on people and sort my own problems but lets face it, you cannot really do this alone you do need help like you said and I know it might be hard especially with your anxiety but you really need to be genuine and tell your doctor/therapist everything, that way, they can start to address issues and help you.

    Don't ever feel like you're burdening people for being honest and 'rambling' especially to us here, we're here to help as much as possible... If you ever need to ramble some more you can PM me and I will always listen and do as much as I can
    :hugs: She's actually my best friend's girlfriend, so it's a difficult and horrible situation. She's not a very nice person and well known for being a bully. He's well aware of it, but says he can't choose who he loves. I don't want to hurt him.

    I just feel terrible because everyone was so genuinely pleased when I finally conquered everything and started to see myself in a different light. I broke up with my long-term boyfriend back in October which completely shook me up, to be honest. I'd got used to feeling comfortable around him and accepting that he liked the way I look - to get out of that sort of relationship *and* to be thrown into university at the same time was a bit of a shock to the system, I guess.

    I just don't know how to say the words in real life. It's difficult enough admitting this all here... sometimes I feel like calling a friend or relative and saying "I cannot cope." but at the same time, I really don't want to face facts. I'm sort of torn.. I know what's right and what I should do , but not what I want or can do... if that makes any sense.

    Thank you though. At the moment I'm quite relieved to have actually taken the time to read through this thread and admit it for myself. In situations like this I usually find the first step is the hardest (for me, anyway) so hopefully I can make some progress. Thanks for responding
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    Cinamon, thank you! I hope you're ok!! I remember seeing you on the offers thread.
    Souldoubt, I just want to give you the biggest hug. I'm so glad you managed to talk about it on here. I agree with Linweth, that girl is a negative thing in your life and you don't need her around. I'm sorry to say this but could you please put the part of your post where you're talking about the
    Spoiler:
    Show
    empty mug
    in spoilers? It could be something other people could use. Is there anyone in real life you trust enough to open up to? Don't feel bad about 'rambling', you're not and it's much healthier to let it out than keep it inside and let it fester. :hugs:
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by souldoubt)
    I'm starting to worry that I have a twin we have so much in common, lol.

    We shall stay strong for Regina!
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Souldoubt, I just want to give you the biggest hug. I'm so glad you managed to talk about it on here. I agree with Linweth, that girl is a negative thing in your life and you don't need her around. I'm sorry to say this but could you please put the part of your post where you're talking about the
    Spoiler:
    Show
    empty mug
    in spoilers? It could be something other people could use. Is there anyone in real life you trust enough to open up to? Don't feel bad about 'rambling', you're not and it's much healthier to let it out than keep it inside and let it fester. :hugs:
    :hugs: Yeah of course, sorry, I didn't even think. I'm used to talking on general ED forums.
    Well it's a bit difficult because most of my "irl" friends live away or are in university at the moment. I think I'll manage for the time being though... I mean, I'm getting there. I made myself a meal earlier and although I didn't actually eat any of it, I still had the intention y'know? I've not completely lost hope, there's still a big part of me that actually wants to make an effort.



    (Original post by Cinamon)
    I'm starting to worry that I have a twin we have so much in common, lol.

    We shall stay strong for Regina!
    :hugs: For Regina!
    Her music has helped me sosososo much.
    Offline

    1
    I will take control and no matter what anyone says I'm doing it for me.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by NotSoCool.Fly)
    I will take control and no matter what anyone says I'm doing it for me.

    Such a positive post!.I wish you all the very best
    • #18
    #18

    Souldoubt how has this girl managed to worm her way back into your life? You're an adult try and get rid of all negative people and horrible people and good luck
    Offline

    1
    (Original post by Annie72)
    Such a positive post!.I wish you all the very best
    warning:rant
    [s]o[/s]


    Thank you. The only problem is I'm sick of people CONTROLLING ME hence I will do whatever I WANT TO DO whether that means losing weight or not if it makes me happy why shouldn't I? and if I need to why can't i? The reason I cant' is cos they all treat me like a baby and DONT LET ME. then i think to myself no one is forcing me to eat. yes but in a way they are. you have to rememmber mum buys all the binge trigger foods she knows i can't resist. then i get a constant ''do you want anything to eat from the fisheries'' or my favourite restaurants she knows i cannot resist or say no to good quality food. then i feel guilty and hate myself for being fat - i'm about 9 stone but i have central obesity where i constantly look pregnant/ don't have a flat stomach and this is so embarassing to say. i want to be the real me that is a healthy slim skinny girl BUT NOT THIS FAT COMFORT EATING idiot. and i will takje control and not let them control my life anymore. just cos i stay at home almost every single day it's like boredom is the reason why i eat and also TO PLEASE OTHERS. how pathetic is that? But if i want to lose weight i will but how can i in this junk food environment? but i have the willpower and i will be happy once ive lost it and no one can tell me not to and no one can stop me and im weak and foolish if i don't do it cos that wont make me happy being this fat. im sorry but please dont no one tell me i dont need to lose weight cos a healthy weight for my height is 8.7 stone so i am overweight tbh


    sorry for the rant but just trying to let someone else know what my daily struggle and environment is like everyday. i have a family that think food is my only happiness which yes it is a comfort but no im not happy. and the comfort feeling is only temporary yet i still cant take control. mum once commened my face brightened up when i saw the food from the fisheries:o: see thats why they buy me it. but i will not give in and i will be happier when ive lost some weight no harm in that is there. but i dont want to trigger anyone = guys remember i am overweight it's not a distorted image so i need to lose it most of you guys are under weight so stick to your track to recovery.
    Offline

    1
    i'm sorry if i now sound negative. i feel really guilty for being such a negative ***** im really sorry
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    Thank you so much for all the support . I only have limited net time so don't have forever to post replies to everybody but it really helps reading through the replies.

    Today - (MP)

    Spoiler:
    Show
    B - 2 weetabix, 100ml semi-skim milk
    S - 200ml semi-skim milk
    L - ½ portion sandwich (1 slice WM bread, 4g butter, 20g chicken) and small salad
    Dr - 200ml tea with semi-skim milk
    T - ½ portion sandwich (1 slice WM bread, 4g butter, 20g chicken) and small salad

    Will be
    Dr - 200ml tea with semi-skim milk
    S - 200ml semi-skim milk


    Yup.

    Rest in spoiler cos I STRUGGLED. I have managed to complete my MP though *stamps on ED*

    Spoiler:
    Show
    Breakfast was hard but I managed. The nurse challenged me afterwards about my 'behaviours'. I said I was aware of them (although I disagreed with some) but that right now my main priority was getting the ****ing food down my ****ing throat (I said it politely, lol, not like that!) and that as I was eating on my own I wasn't triggering anybody and she said ok. I spoke to many nurses over fears over an increase in my plan.

    Lunch I freaked. There was 'more' chicken and 'more' spread, I was CERTAIN. I calmed myself down, told myself even if they'd DOUBLED the filling it was only an extra 55 or so calories... Ate it.

    Tea was my biggest freak to date. When the plate came with the 2 stood-up triangles and the salad I could SEE the spread and it was STUFFED full of chicken. I utterly lost it, started sobbing and swearing and crying hysterically, hyperventilating, really just lost it. Nurse came (there was already one nurse there) who'd overseen the portioning in the kitchen. She calmed me down and reassured me that everything WAS weighed and measured, and they WEREN'T going to give me more than my MP - why would they when they know I'm struggling already, she said. (I didn't reply 'to make me ****ing fat' ). Calmed down, picked at and pulled apart, and ate. .

    Confirms a theory of mine I've had. I think the 'restriction' of the last 5 days has flicked the switch in my brain from b/p'ing to restricting. I can't currently contemplate b/p'ing. I don't think I could handle putting it in. I'm eating a lot slower, pulling my food apart, seasoning it a lot more. Eating things even more oddly than normal. Instead of the eating getting easier (the keeping isn't so much of a problem now) it's getting HARDER - my meal plan is expanding (both 'in front of my eyes' and in how I'm viewing it mentally).

    Not sure how I feel about this.

    In one way it's achieved one of my goals. I can manage restricting when in the community ok.
    But... Meh. .


    I'm so so tired
    Offline

    1
    Well done custard cream ! you're an inspiration im so happy youre giving your body a break from b/p it needs it and im glad you got to react how you wanted when you saw that meal but youve done sooo well !!!!!!!!! all the foods are healthy and good for you and will heal your body esp the protein etc you can doo it all the best x
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Kick that ED butt!!

    Wanted to show you these, how lovely can life be??!!
    Attached Images
     
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by souldoubt)
    :hugs: Yeah of course, sorry, I didn't even think. I'm used to talking on general ED forums.
    Well it's a bit difficult because most of my "irl" friends live away or are in university at the moment. I think I'll manage for the time being though... I mean, I'm getting there. I made myself a meal earlier and although I didn't actually eat any of it, I still had the intention y'know? I've not completely lost hope, there's still a big part of me that actually wants to make an effort.





    :hugs: For Regina!
    Her music has helped me sosososo much.
    :hugs: oh hun, don't worry! I was just thinking about lurkers haha! And with regards to the friends thing- tell me about it! Pretty much all my friends are at uni and the ones that aren't are just as sucky as I am at actually meeting up. Well done on making the meal! And are you talking about Regina Specktor? This will be so embarrassing if I'm wrong.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: October 31, 2015
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Would you rather give up salt or pepper?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Write a reply...
    Reply
    Hide
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.