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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by letsdothetimewarpagain)
    It's been a nightmare,

    last night I got forced to eat a huge plate of chinese and ice cream, for lunch today I got made to eat a stir fry and now my nan is cooking a huge lasagne.
    pos. trigger
    All that is happening is I'm forcing food down, then eating **** loads more and then being sick. For lunch after my stir fry I ate an entire pack of digestives, a big bar of cadburys and then half a loaf of bread :emo:


    Whilst all of this is at the same time they are insisting there is nothing wrong because I'm eating the meals :indiff:
    -hugggging- seriously, if i get into my firm, you can crash on my floor. Sheff is probably a bit far, but, meh.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    Grandparents do like to feed people though. 'Do you want a cup of tea?' 'Do you want a biscuit?' 'Do you want a slice of cake?' 'Are you sure you're not hungry' My great grandma was worse though, before she lost her marbles. If you went round, she'd bring enough food out to feed a small army.
    Oh yes on the Nan feeding! Mine is like, have a cake. I made you some cakes. Have a werthers, have two, HAVE TWENTY. And if I'm like no Nan, honestly, just one will be fine. She's all like..I thought you were getting better, thought u WANTED to put on weight. Yes woman, I do, but in my own time at my own pace. Jeez louise (well, not louise, Doreen)

    bless the Nans, they think they're doing us right x
    • #48
    #48

    My BF is going to be late home even though he knew what time tea was and that we were having take out chinese (and how much of a stress for me that meal is) - I'm trying so hard not to over react right now and go off on one but honestly I feel like having a tantrum. :sad:
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My BF is going to be late home even though he knew what time tea was and that we were having take out chinese (and how much of a stress for me that meal is) - I'm trying so hard not to over react right now and go off on one but honestly I feel like having a tantrum. :sad:
    I was much the same during my ED. Meal times are so important and if it was even a minute out of the time I wanted to eat, I would go nuts. The thing is, real life doesn't work like this. We can't always eat at the times we want to. It's just learning how to deal with the stress that comes along with having to delay meals etc. Just keep calm. In the long run, one disrupted meal time is not the end of the world, although I know it does seem like it. It's a hurdle you have to face but the sooner you do face it, the better. x
    • #112
    #112

    (Original post by greengloves)
    Hello to everyone,

    A first post here, and I have mustered up the balls to post it not anonymously, which is remarkable. I'm a newish and infrequent poster to the student rooms, and admittedly not brilliant at keeping up with communications online or offline (it all moves so quickly and everyone who is more regularly active is already tight knit so it feels like intruding in a weird way) but do log into these forums a bit, will especially more now September looms, and will be around some. I've not really used online support groups before and I'm not used to being revealing about my personal stuff but I resolved to be bold and take the initiative and give it a try, the other night, in the throws of a food-related freak-out, which calmed me, and was a much more positive reaction than the usual more harmful ways of dealing with those situations and emotions. Because, surprisingly for someone who has experienced E.D for over a decade, this approach is novel, it glows with some sort of hope that a result that hasn't been attainable before might now be, or something different lies down this path.

    I don't know who you do the thing where you hide the main body of this and it can be expanded, if someone lets me know I could change it so it's like that.

    To be quite brief, because if I get started I will just waffle on and on incomprehensively, and that's not really the way to do an introduction...

    I have had a complicated relationship with food as long as I can remember and believe I was born with the biological set up for a high risk of running into mental/emotional/social problems (counter to common suggestion from professionals that it's mainly the fault of bad parenting or society/media values), having a difficult, sensitive, controlling and occasionally randomly violent personality and friendship issues. It all came to a head in secondary school, as it does for many people of course because puberty is such a barrel of laughs. I disliked myself so much, and I was not well regarded by others either, and I don't blame them for that, but it made me more defensive and insecure and less able to find inclusion still. I felt there was something innately bad about me because I could see it all the way since I was young and because it could not be explained or excused by my early life, as I came from a safe and caring home. I couldn't go on as I was and decided to take control and change the story, decide it was up to me who I was going to be and I was choosing not to be the baddie anymore but the best I could be, at least in word and deed and hopefully it would work it's way through and make me good in thought and soul too, or at least suppress those.

    And this transformation was very successful, it may be possible that how bad I was before or how hated by others was far more in my perception than reality because my new persona wasn't really questioned but accepted as seamlessly as you like. I was suddenly beheld by others as all these things I had felt I could never be - likeable, attractive, cheerful, innocent. But there was no room for the darker thoughts and feelings to be expressed and they got buried and internalised. I couldn't even let the front down when I was alone because growing paranoid and having long kept ideas about religious and supernatural phenomena, did not believe I was really ever alone or unseen. Pre-existing food issues snowballed into a severe eating disorder, allowed to go unchecked because I refused to acknowledge I had a problem and would not read about eating disorders because if I did I would have to know that I had one, but I was not ready to admit this or enter treatment and I did not want to be a liar either as that was more sin and deceit. I thought that all the people who liked me did so because of the sweetness and perfection I tried to project and they would treat me weirdly if it was known I was ill and mad and in treatment. I was proved very wrong in this belief as many of the people I knew then stuck by patiently through the worst times and are still friends today. Of course they were all well aware I was ill and mad and wanted me to get help.

    But I was afraid and let it get to the point I had a BMI of 10.3, all muscle wasted, not sleeping, listless, self-harming, paranoid and accusatory of all the people trying to help me the most, where I was tricked into the hospital for 'overnight tests' and of course not allowed to go home again but detained on bed rest, started on drip and NG tube feed and that's where it really gets messy as who was in charge of my care plan kept changing with different ward staff everyday, and a combination of stress, obviously general bad condition of health and the icing on the cake of refeeding syndrome resulting from a poorly devised treatment plan sent me into a delirium where I was having nightmares but not asleep, so all these visions of being found to be evil and persecuted and punished were mixed up by my actual surroundings, carers and family. I was uncommunicable and my mum thought she'd lost me and I would be stuck like that forever. After 10 days like it and transfer first to a psychiatric unit 30 miles away and then the general hosp local to there as I had been removed from drip and tube feed (?!?!) but did not understand how to drink a glass of water so became severely dehydrated. And that's where I came round, but it was like waking up in another world as I had lots of residual psychosis. It was like any of those films that question reality and give you a bit of a head**** to watch, even if you're sane. But, as far as I was concerned, actually happening. I thought everyone was in on this plan together where they'd trapped me and they all despised me and wanted to keep me captive and under surveilance and mock and punish me, they were talking in a secret language, that they could read my mind, were trying to slip information from my head or personal life into conversation to tease me with reminders that they had me in this position but no-one would ever admit it was the case and all told me it was in my head, what I thought because I was poorly and it would all become clear later. Anyway, sent back to the adolescent psych unit, still tube fed this time, taking things more slowly and carefully, in a wheelchair and on constant supervision to begin with, surrendering all the privacy and independence I cherished before being hospitalised as not allowed to go to the loo or shower alone, having what I did there examined, a window in bedroom door, stripping for weigh in two mornings a week, etc, I all thought was part of the punishment and to remind me that I was trapped and had no control, very frightening because the psychosis made it all harder to understand and made it impossible to trust the care staff enough to co-operate with treatment or actually open up in therapy sessions, I spent most of the time pretending everything was fine or hysterically pleading that everyone stopped playing 'the game' and let me go. So, although I was lucky to be given emergency access to treatment, as I know others have said they've had to wait a long time when they were desperate, I was unable to use it, it was wasted on me, except for keeping me from physically dying, so I feel guilty, for that and for my behaviour towards everyone there.

    I said I'd keep it brief and not waffle, then that's exactly what I went and did, appologies! Anyway, cut to the chase, seven months as an inpatient, left then against medical advice and maybe a year at the CAMHS back home as an outpatient but I stopped turning up much and turned 18 without arranging adult services, falling off the radar. Paranoid delusions and depression continued and also disordered eating habits, not restricting to the extreme I had before but unable to acheive normality, having strange rituals about what colour food could be eaten on what day, what time to eat, having binges followed by days of fasting, compulsive over-exercise and laxative abuse. Issues naturally about food socially, who could be eaten in front of, the negative feelings around food and destructive habits making for reclusiveness, you all know what it's like day to day. But I never sough help again, going it alone.

    The corner turned was when I was at a low but started getting close to a friend, who had also had an E.D. and depression but done an admirable job of fighting his way out of it, and I'd found it impossible to get close to anyone with all my neuroses but found that having a solid friendship was exactly what the doctor ordered, we moved in together and helped each other out and I reached the healthiest habits and best mental health and social integration during the two years I lived with him, holding a job with a position of responsibility, going to college where I made friends and passed the Access to HE Science course with Distinctions in 16 out of 17 units, applied to and got accepted by a university, started a relationship with a wonderful man.

    That was the past 2 years, leading up to when I moved out 2 months ago, and all these successes are what I have to be thankful for and proud of right now. I know, it doesn't sound like the set up for a relapse, but as you'll fully understand, good outer situations cannot magic away hardwired, long-established thought patterns or biological conditions and I do currently feel afraid I'm at risk of a rapid and significant relapse. I may be over-reacting to a couple of months of particular turbulence, it's easy when you've seen things spiral quickly out of control to panic that's it might happen again at any sign of it, but if it might I want to be ready to deal with it in the best way possible for long-lasting results, I am 25 years old and starting university as an undergraduate in September, I've worked hard to get there and been set back by illness and lack of confidence, I'm finally ready to go forward and do not want illness to ruin it.

    It might be because I'm unsettled and in a transition period, it's certainly not helped by the fact I'm staying at my parents' house temporarily (bless them, it's not their fault and they're lovely people but there is a lot of discomfort and trigger about the set up, particularly mum, even though she tries her best and only wants to help). All the recent successes, worries about keeping it up and future ambitions are flicking all my perfectionist switches too. I also just did a several weeks of physically challenging activity in aid of charity, I didn't think it a risk to my health, I thought it a celebration of what the body can do when you look after it well and of the good fortune that it was in working order, but although I ate well while doing it, encouraged by the fact if I didn't I might not complete the challenge and let everyone down, because it was hard exercise I lost a little weight, only about 9 lb but it was enough to push my BMI to 17.2. After coming home I felt spooked about how I might put on weight very suddenly if I kept on eating as well without the physical activity, and that sudden gain would lead to distress and all sorts of problems just when I needed to be gathering myself together. I felt afraid of foods that have been regularly no problem the last couple of years, and compelled to exercise everyday. Then I 'binged', then I freaked out. and didn't sleep. and wouldn't let my partner, who is also staying here at the moment (yeah, full house, it's a bit much) near me, and had to go out for a long walk, then another because I was so cross and agitated I didn't know what to do, then 2 better days then I was feeling good this morning ready for a productive, healthy day then I did it again and I've felt too bothered and disgusting to get on with any tasks, luckily I'm home alone but soon the others will be in and I've got to go for a second long walk because I'm not ready to face them and it's got to happen because it is just really necessary.

    I'm scared by this feeling of not having a handle on it. I scared I won't be able to stop bingeing. I'm scared I won't be able to stop restricting and having food fears. I'm scared I will shout at the people who care for me the most when it's not their fault and drive a wedge between me and everyone just when I was finally getting real relationships laid down. I'm scared I will lose my partner because we've been together over a year and I still haven't let him have sex with me or see me naked, this week I keep not coming to bed with him because I feel disgusted and self-conscious about my body and leaving the bed while he's still in it to go out for early jogs so he wakes up alone, and he doesn't understand this so he'll think it's personal and I don't want to be with him. I'm scared of turning rotten and not being a good soul. But I do have the determination to master it and get back on top, I just am ready to admit I can't do everything by myself and it's strength not weakness to say you need help, and I hope I can be of help to others mutually in the same process.

    That was waffly, sorry. I suppose my questions were about how others have managed their E.D.s at university, advice for coping with kitchen shares, stress of workload, not becoming isolated. Specifically, also, I'm going to be starting Sussex university, is anybody at Sussex or Brighton and can say what sort of support facilities they have in the way of mentoring/counselling/groups either at the university or in the surrounding area and whether they've been helpful or would be recommended?

    Thank you for reading my waffle, I wish you all the best on your journeys, take care and keeps your spirits burning bright, there's so much in this world worth being able enough to participate in xx
    Hi There

    Reading your post, reminds me so much of my own struggles with an eating disorder.

    I am not at university yet and like you, i am starting this September. I have the same worries about kitchen shares/ and possibly noth having full control over this eating disorder. But i realised that worrying about this too much will once gain scare and prevent me from going to university....once again (like you i am a mature student, only because i have been too frightened to go before because of my ED).

    You've come so far, do not let the eating disorder stop you from socialising and being your wonderful, beautiful self

    At the uni i am going to, i applied for disabled student allowance which can entitle you to a mentor, which meets you once a week to keep you on track. They are not medically trained, but are there to keep you on track. Most universities nowadays will have vast information and specialist staff that are a dedicated mental health team. I would suggest you contact the disability service at your university, so they are aware of you and possibly set up an assessment of your needs. They are there to support you throughout your studies and do everything to enable you to study at your full potential even whilst dealing with an evil ED. It was the best thing i ever did.

    On the kitchen share worry, i was also nervous (and still am abit!) about people picking up on my eating habits and i told the disibility officer and she made me aware, that it may be possible because they will be living with you. But she also made me realise that the majority of people are understanding and kind. And that by the time that maybe somebody does pick up on something and confronts you, you hopefully will be close enough to them to explain it. I think its just best to be as honest as you can be. Luckily i am now (after 10 years) alot more relaxed about my friends and family knowing. If people don't like it or dont like you for it. That is there problem and not yours, but i think this situation in highly unlikely as at uni you would expect people to be mature enough to support and understand (as much as they possibly can).

    I also had very similar BF issues, it drives you mad and makes you feel so guity but you cant help it and hopefully he understands that with ED's you can have real problems with intimacy

    Basically, just try relax as much as you can and take it day by day. I have a tendency to build my guard up and keep everyone at arms length, scared of judgement, scared of not being perfect in everyones eyes but i've realised i can't do that at uni and no one is going to do it for me. If i dont do it, i will be alone, isolated and that will trigger my ED.

    If you want to ever talk i can PM you

    Keep your chin up




    xx
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    (Original post by greengloves)
    That was waffly, sorry. I suppose my questions were about how others have managed their E.D.s at university, advice for coping with kitchen shares, stress of workload, not becoming isolated. Specifically, also, I'm going to be starting Sussex university, is anybody at Sussex or Brighton and can say what sort of support facilities they have in the way of mentoring/counselling/groups either at the university or in the surrounding area and whether they've been helpful or would be recommended?

    Thank you for reading my waffle, I wish you all the best on your journeys, take care and keeps your spirits burning bright, there's so much in this world worth being able enough to participate in xx
    I didn't have an ED when I started uni. I recovered beforehand but even now, it does get hard. I still felt uncomfortable around my boyfriend up until recently when it came to my body, but he just let me do it in my own time and he was so patient with everything. I think your partner will be too, but you need to tell him that your avoidance of him is nothing personal but you're just not feeling comfortable in yourself at the moment. The last thing you want is for him to get the wrong idea.

    Kitchen sharing was never really a problem. People don't really intrude on what you're eating that much. The only thing I would warn you about is potential bullying. I got bullied in freshers year and it made kitchen sharing awkward and sometimes difficult. If I was eating, knowing my past people that were bullying me would make comments about how much I was eating and that I shouldn't be eating that much because "she could do with losing as many kilos as she could" despite not being remotely overweight. They just did it because they knew my past and knew that such comments would hurt me. However, the people that didn't bully me didn't bother me about food or anything and it was just a normal thing. x
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    (Original post by letsdothetimewarpagain)
    x
    i'm going to uniii.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    i'm going to uniii.
    First choice?

    CONGRATS
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    (Original post by letsdothetimewarpagain)
    First choice?

    CONGRATS
    Yup. Despite missing the offer by 20UMS. I GOT A B IN GERMAN. And he spent ages telling me I wouldnt get the B, and I had to essentially beg and grovel to get him to raise my predicted grade.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Hi everyone. My name is Toto, if you'd like to refer to me by my screen name; or Tommy, if you'd like my actual name. Either way, a name is merely a name, just as a tag is merely a tag. And unfortunately, I am tagged many a time.

    I am a 26 year old man. I'm also suffering from anorexia nervosa (restrictive type), obsessive-compulsive disorder, and multiple anxiety disorder.

    The social stigma associated with, especially anorexia, is not as forgiving with men, it seems. I believe it's because of the very erroneous, silly notion that people develop the disorder through a pursuit of vanity. Mine couldn't be further from that notion; psychologists determined my onset was triggered by being an over-achiever of sorts. I have an insatiable urge to complete life goals I set myself; I struggled to get to college, did so, struggled to get a top grade, did so, then struggled to get into university, did so, struggled again to get the best grades, and managed so. Whilst others gave up trying for the perfect job in such an enormously competitive industry - I strived, and I got the perfect job. Now, with nothing on the horizon, I effectively turned to creating silly daily goals - restricting calorie intake, "beating" what I did yesterday, doing one more sit-up, running one more mile. It has ravaged my body to near death at points.

    http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/photo..._6798.jpg?dl=1

    In university, I was a healthy weight, as pictured above. At 5' 7"/8", I weighed in around 125-130lbs. After my problems started, the weight obviously just dropped off to my lowest weight ever - just 91lb. That's a mere 6 stone 7. My muscles atrophied, I could hardly stand, my hair thinned, my concentration waned.

    http://img695.imageshack.us/img695/7...2399000570.jpg

    My days consist of getting up, eating a breakfast of 200 calories, doing around 250 situps, 10 minutes worth of abdominal planks, 300 press-ups, and other various exercises. I eat another meal of fish, steamed vegetables, mushrooms, salad - anything low calorie and filling - later in the day, followed by more exercise. Finally, I go to bed and allow myself a bowl of cereal - my "treat" for the day - and maybe a beer or two whilst I play some videogames. I never break my "calorie cap" of 1500 calories in the day.

    Trying hard, I have been trying to reach that cap, to channel my need to reach goals into a positive. My intention is that I can keep increasing it and reaching the goals in a positive way - one which helps me *gain* weight. It still scares me when the number on the scale goes up as it's synonymous with "losing" against my previous self; but I need to do this in order to *not die*. Which is always a good thing.

    I liken the disorder to a demon on your shoulder, creating a bubble around you. The frustrating thing is you *know* how to get better, but the demon talks you out of it. When you reach for the answer, the bubble stops you. But the bubble is a comfort. It is safe. It is known, accepted, quantifiable.

    With my new methods, I may not have gained much weight (I am just short of 93lb), but I feel a lot stronger day to day and my morale is up. My skin is also less jaundiced and everyone comments I look more full of life:

    http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/479...6853090570.jpg

    It's surprising how quickly your body retains fat and water when you've restricted so long - a terrifying prospect to someone with an eating disorder - but you must stick with it.


    I'd love to open up the floor now to all and any input here into this very diverse topic, to hear perhaps your own stories or any input or advice you can give myself, my peers and anyone else potentially developing one of these insidious conditions.

    All my love to everyone and the absolute best of luck in your own daily battles, regardless of what they may be!
    Fantastic to hear your plan to increase your calorie intake in a way that works for you over time. You sound very determined and brave. I have not suffered from an eating disorder though I have experienced dramatically losing weight at times of stress and grief which does not sound quite like the same thing as you experience. I have noticed how often eating disorders go hand in hand with obsessive disorders, but this is just anecdotal, I don't know if there is concrete research showing this.

    I thought your description was magnificent and gives a real insight into what you experience. I know everyone talks about eating disorders being a matter of people wanting control but I thought in your description the most telling thing was the dread you experience at the thought of your body getting bigger. I have heard people with obsessive disorder describe similar sensations around dirt or their fear of a certain number or words and so forth. I wondered if you thought this dread you experience around body weight might be much the same ie a kind of phobia or version of an obsessive fear. In which case an eating disorder may be in truth another aspect of a obsessive compulsive disorder rather than a totally separate thing.

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    Everyone receiving their results today, best of luck, and remember whatever happens, it doesn't matter. A grade on a certificate really says no more about how good or worthy a person you are than a number on a scale does does. A* or G, it doesn't matter-you're an amazing person for trying your hardest and aspiring for your own personal greatness.
    • #43
    #43

    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    i'm going to uniii.
    Awesome! :fives:
    • #112
    #112

    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    I didn't have an ED when I started uni. I recovered beforehand but even now, it does get hard. I still felt uncomfortable around my boyfriend up until recently when it came to my body, but he just let me do it in my own time and he was so patient with everything. I think your partner will be too, but you need to tell him that your avoidance of him is nothing personal but you're just not feeling comfortable in yourself at the moment. The last thing you want is for him to get the wrong idea.

    Kitchen sharing was never really a problem. People don't really intrude on what you're eating that much. The only thing I would warn you about is potential bullying. I got bullied in freshers year and it made kitchen sharing awkward and sometimes difficult. If I was eating, knowing my past people that were bullying me would make comments about how much I was eating and that I shouldn't be eating that much because "she could do with losing as many kilos as she could" despite not being remotely overweight. They just did it because they knew my past and knew that such comments would hurt me. However, the people that didn't bully me didn't bother me about food or anything and it was just a normal thing. x


    That is absolutely awful about the bullying, what horrible human beings!!! But thanks for the heads up. I didnt even think of any possible bullying. I think i'm very optimistic of people and thought they could all be mature. But that is obviously untrue. After freshers year did you find some nice people to live with? And did you still manage to make close friendships?

    xx
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That is absolutely awful about the bullying, what horrible human beings!!! But thanks for the heads up. I didnt even think of any possible bullying. I think i'm very optimistic of people and thought they could all be mature. But that is obviously untrue. After freshers year did you find some nice people to live with? And did you still manage to make close friendships?

    xx
    Well I'm going into my second year in September and I'm living alone, but it suits me better. I don't want to deal with drama and I know from experience that sometimes, even friends can turn to enemies when you live with them. I have some incredible friends, but they're all from my course or random nights out. I managed to even get a boyfriend and a solid relationship, which has never happened. In some respects, being at uni is better for your mental health. I know that at home, I just felt trapped. At uni, I can truly be myself, which has a really positive affect on my depression and how I feel. I'm happier, therefore the risk of me relapsing just doesn't exist. At home though, I struggle and I actually feel fat, even though I know it's not the case :\ you may find that uni suits you well because you are truly in control of your own life. x
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    Yup. Despite missing the offer by 20UMS. I GOT A B IN GERMAN. And he spent ages telling me I wouldnt get the B, and I had to essentially beg and grovel to get him to raise my predicted grade.
    Told you so Congrats gorgeous!

    Dreamt I was in an ED treatment centre last night. Weird.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Told you so Congrats gorgeous!

    Dreamt I was in an ED treatment centre last night. Weird.
    Not good. I've had dreams where I've been gorging myself on food, slices and slices of toast, crackers, yoghurts etc. What makes it more frightening is I can taste it, and I'm actually in our kitchen, and everythings in the right place, and i'm eating things we actually have in. So scary.
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    Congrats to everyone getting results today!

    On a slightly less cheery note, does anyone have any experience of taking anti-depressants directly in relation to their eating disorder? My mental faculties/rational thinking have not returned over the summer despite eating well and I'm starting to wonder if medication would help.
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    (Original post by sentiment)
    Congrats to everyone getting results today!

    On a slightly less cheery note, does anyone have any experience of taking anti-depressants directly in relation to their eating disorder? My mental faculties/rational thinking have not returned over the summer despite eating well and I'm starting to wonder if medication would help.
    well, they can't make it worse can they?
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    well, they can't make it worse can they?
    I bloody well hope not! Just not sure how successful I'd be in getting them prescribed or whether I'd be expected to try therapy or something first. To be totally honest, I'm not really up for tackling the disorder itself just yet, I would just like something to stop me feeling so **** all the time.
    • #103
    #103

    (Original post by sentiment)
    Congrats to everyone getting results today!

    On a slightly less cheery note, does anyone have any experience of taking anti-depressants directly in relation to their eating disorder? My mental faculties/rational thinking have not returned over the summer despite eating well and I'm starting to wonder if medication would help.
    I'm currently on Citalopram and have been since March- but to be honest I'm more on them due to my depression. Rather than the 'wait and see' thing with depression my GP put me on them straight away basically due to the fact that I was practically suicidal (not actually going to 'commit' but the thoughts of not existing anymore were there). However, these drugs have made me incredibly anxious beyond belief and the need of control is stronger than ever. In my case, I've become aware I'm in more need of control of knowing how many calories I'm having a day, if theres a meal change plan or whatever I just crumble.

    ...When I started the drugs I had no idea who I was or what was going on for like 2 weeks. I was totally spaced out.
 
 
 
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