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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    Something that is terrifying me - I cannot, I absolutely cannot now restrict my intake. The anorexic 'willpower' has completely vanished. No matter how big I feel, I can't even make up for the binges with healthy eating any more. When I am hungry, I eat - nothing is stopping me, not even the voices telling me how greedy I am being are stopping me. I know this is supposed to be a positive thing, but I just want to loose a few pounds to fit into my clothes again. It's still going to be a perfectly healthy weight. But I just can't do it and it's killing me Basically I feel pathetic.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Sorry, I'm confusing matters, I had written three posts, but one of them, which was in reply to you, didn't appear, it was declined by the moderator and I don't know why, there was nothing inappropriate about it. Ho hum.

    It was just to say I'm sorry you were bullied, it must have made that place hard to live in. Unbelievable people behave like that at university, you would think by their age everyone had more maturity. It's weak minds that try to make themselves feel bigger by treading others down and you showed you had a strong one to keep your head up and deal with them all year.

    I'm glad to hear you've found a boyfriend who is very patient and understanding with you. Mine is too, I'm very lucky to have found someone like him, but for all his waiting he does want and deserve some intimacy and I need to sort it out so he can have what he needs from the relationship. I'll try and explain my current feelings to him before he gets the wrong idea, I'm about to move two hours away from him to go to university and would hate to leave it on a bad note. Feels so daft that two basic physical needs that most people seem to enjoy as second nature, food and sex, are so complicated and a huge obstacle! Such is life, eh xx
    Precisely. I expected that people would have matured considering they are now living independently, but that means nothing. Age counts for nothing either -- I was the youngest person in the block and one of the eldest was the one that was harassing me.

    I'm sure he'll be understanding. My boyfriend began questioning why I wouldn't take my bra off, for example, and it became quite a big deal. I just didn't want to be completely naked in front of him. Once I explained my reasons, he accepted them and never made me feel like I needed to do it. I'm sure your boyfriend will be the same, but like us girls, guys blame themselves and think 'sh*t, she's upset with me and she doesn't trust me, hence she won't do it'. Best thing to do is to just speak the truth so they stop blaming themselves and overreacting. Haha, I totally agree -- you'd think that these 2 things would be the easiest things in the world! x
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    Eugh I feel so totally ****. This weekend I had two bbqs to go to and family were there, so I couldn't really restrict as my fiance would notice and get on (not in a nagging, but caring, way) so I decided to eat.
    I barely had anything though, just foods I normally avoid as it was outwith my control - one burger, a few crisps, a handful or so of peanuts etc. You get the frist, nothing massive and not really 'bad' food in the grand scheme of it all. But because of all those foods, the salt, the lack of water from alcohol etc. I weighed myself tonight and I was 4-5lbs heavier than I was on Friday morning. Now I know I am going to heavier since it is night time and all, and in reality its not a gain of fat just the time of days, salt, water etc. but I cannot for the life of me, make myself feel 'accepting' of this at all, nor understanding. I just see a bigger number on the scale, so I am bigger. That's it, black and white - bigger number = fatter, smaller number = skinnier.

    So tonight, of course, having weighed myself. I am now gorging on Thai Sweet Chilli Sensations and know there is going to be a massive binge/purge tonight with me then going back and realllly restricting as of tomorrow.

    I just hate this.
    • #126
    #126

    To anyone out there thinking that ED's won't come in the way of anything but your weight issues in life. Please, reconsider what you're putting yourself through. If you're a student or are on the way of going to university... Don't pretend as if you can keep part of yourself completely on your studies and ignore the part of you that's craving nothing but... well...

    I thought the exact same thing. I thought I could achieve all my goals together by the time I went to university. I thought I could be thin and beautiful and attractive and successful and achieve great grades and go off to med school and be the popular girl that everyone envied by the time I was a fresher...

    I mean.. I could. I really could have achieved my place in med. Just not in the way I had gone about it.

    I was so so wrong! When the ED started to take control, I didn't realise just how far gone I was. I thought that it was ME in control. Completely! But I wasn't. The disorder made me ill. I was tired ALL the time. I was cold and weak and my immune system had taken a lot of damage so I became prone to colds and the flu - which gave me a lot of stress. Stress lowers the immune response too! I started losing my hair, my teeth became overly sensitive, I started shivering no matter what the weather, my skin started to get horrible dry patches around my mouth and jaw, I had huge circles around my eyes...

    Then I was diagnosed with anaemia, a 'bruised' eusophagus and UTI because I wasn't taking in enough water. I didn't want to take the medications because they made me feel full and bloated but UTI is a severe thing. Just the symptoms were enough to make me wish I was dead.

    There are some posts by me on this thread where things had gotten too much and I really tried to find help. Who was I kidding? I read some people's posts and I simply did the opposite instead.

    How could I study through all of this? I didn't feel attractive. I didn't feel good at all. Come results day, I didn't even achieve my predicted. I got into my insurance choice but it wasn't Medicine. I let everyone down. I let myself down because of how vain I'd become.

    How could I be a doctor when I can't even take care of myself? My own conscience?

    I'm still trying to find myself - to find help. Stop before it's too late. Stop while you can. This isn't the kind of life a human is meant to live. It's horrible.
    • #103
    #103

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    To anyone out there thinking that ED's won't come in the way of anything but your weight issues in life. Please, reconsider what you're putting yourself through. If you're a student or are on the way of going to university... Don't pretend as if you can keep part of yourself completely on your studies and ignore the part of you that's craving nothing but... well...

    I thought the exact same thing. I thought I could achieve all my goals together by the time I went to university. I thought I could be thin and beautiful and attractive and successful and achieve great grades and go off to med school and be the popular girl that everyone envied by the time I was a fresher...

    I mean.. I could. I really could have achieved my place in med. Just not in the way I had gone about it.

    I was so so wrong! When the ED started to take control, I didn't realise just how far gone I was. I thought that it was ME in control. Completely! But I wasn't. The disorder made me ill. I was tired ALL the time. I was cold and weak and my immune system had taken a lot of damage so I became prone to colds and the flu - which gave me a lot of stress. Stress lowers the immune response too! I started losing my hair, my teeth became overly sensitive, I started shivering no matter what the weather, my skin started to get horrible dry patches around my mouth and jaw, I had huge circles around my eyes...

    Then I was diagnosed with anaemia, a 'bruised' eusophagus and UTI because I wasn't taking in enough water. I didn't want to take the medications because they made me feel full and bloated but UTI is a severe thing. Just the symptoms were enough to make me wish I was dead.

    There are some posts by me on this thread where things had gotten too much and I really tried to find help. Who was I kidding? I read some people's posts and I simply did the opposite instead.

    How could I study through all of this? I didn't feel attractive. I didn't feel good at all. Come results day, I didn't even achieve my predicted. I got into my insurance choice but it wasn't Medicine. I let everyone down. I let myself down because of how vain I'd become.

    How could I be a doctor when I can't even take care of myself? My own conscience?

    I'm still trying to find myself - to find help. Stop before it's too late. Stop while you can. This isn't the kind of life a human is meant to live. It's horrible.
    Thank you. Seriously, thank you x
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    Today is my birthday. It is the first and, hopefully, last birthday that I will share with my eating disorder.

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    Firstly, mum made me a special treat - pancake with syrup for breakfast. This was my ultimate favourite breakfast but this morning I couldn't bring myself to eat it The look on my mums face...I will never forget it. I felt horrendous - yet I still didn't eat them.
    I did, however, make myself an awesome birthday cake and ate a large slice this afternoon. Then tonight we went out for dinner and I had bread and butter, seafood in butter and a massive plate of sticky toffee pudding with ice cream. It was absolutely amazing, but I barely tasted it, I scarfed it down as I was so scared of it. And now I'm sitting here crying my eyes out for 2 reasons; firstly, I feel so crushingly guilty about eating all that food, and I know there is so much birthday cake left and I'll have to eat it again (it tastes so wonderful, and I want to eat it so badly, but the guilt is killing me). Secondly, I am 22 - 22 and yet I'm bawling because I feel guilty over a meal out and this ED can't even leave me alone on my birthday. My 21st last year was so full of joy and happiness, and this year is so incredibly different. Plus the nice lady at the restaurant thought I was 15 - I look so crap Only a handful of family have wished me a happy birthday on Facebook, all my old friends haven't bothered and that, too, is crushing me....which is a bit silly, but it just proves how much I have isolated myself over the past few months.
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    (Original post by lightacandle)
    Today is my birthday. It is the first and, hopefully, last birthday that I will share with my eating disorder.

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    Firstly, mum made me a special treat - pancake with syrup for breakfast. This was my ultimate favourite breakfast but this morning I couldn't bring myself to eat it The look on my mums face...I will never forget it. I felt horrendous - yet I still didn't eat them.
    I did, however, make myself an awesome birthday cake and ate a large slice this afternoon. Then tonight we went out for dinner and I had bread and butter, seafood in butter and a massive plate of sticky toffee pudding with ice cream. It was absolutely amazing, but I barely tasted it, I scarfed it down as I was so scared of it. And now I'm sitting here crying my eyes out for 2 reasons; firstly, I feel so crushingly guilty about eating all that food, and I know there is so much birthday cake left and I'll have to eat it again (it tastes so wonderful, and I want to eat it so badly, but the guilt is killing me). Secondly, I am 22 - 22 and yet I'm bawling because I feel guilty over a meal out and this ED can't even leave me alone on my birthday. My 21st last year was so full of joy and happiness, and this year is so incredibly different. Plus the nice lady at the restaurant thought I was 15 - I look so crap Only a handful of family have wished me a happy birthday on Facebook, all my old friends haven't bothered and that, too, is crushing me....which is a bit silly, but it just proves how much I have isolated myself over the past few months.
    Birthdays are always difficult when you have an ED. I went through 2 of them with one and it was crushing. I mean, I didn't even have a cake. How sad is that? Think of the pros: you managed to have a cake, you managed a meal out, stuff that you actually wanted, not an ED-influenced choice. You've done well. It's sad but that is what old friends do. A lot of them don't know how to handle the situation so they stay out of it. Think about it, you can only go up from here. x
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by lightacandle)
    Today is my birthday. It is the first and, hopefully, last birthday that I will share with my eating disorder.

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    Firstly, mum made me a special treat - pancake with syrup for breakfast. This was my ultimate favourite breakfast but this morning I couldn't bring myself to eat it The look on my mums face...I will never forget it. I felt horrendous - yet I still didn't eat them.
    I did, however, make myself an awesome birthday cake and ate a large slice this afternoon. Then tonight we went out for dinner and I had bread and butter, seafood in butter and a massive plate of sticky toffee pudding with ice cream. It was absolutely amazing, but I barely tasted it, I scarfed it down as I was so scared of it. And now I'm sitting here crying my eyes out for 2 reasons; firstly, I feel so crushingly guilty about eating all that food, and I know there is so much birthday cake left and I'll have to eat it again (it tastes so wonderful, and I want to eat it so badly, but the guilt is killing me). Secondly, I am 22 - 22 and yet I'm bawling because I feel guilty over a meal out and this ED can't even leave me alone on my birthday. My 21st last year was so full of joy and happiness, and this year is so incredibly different. Plus the nice lady at the restaurant thought I was 15 - I look so crap Only a handful of family have wished me a happy birthday on Facebook, all my old friends haven't bothered and that, too, is crushing me....which is a bit silly, but it just proves how much I have isolated myself over the past few months.
    :hugs: Happy birthday.

    I spent most of my 22nd in tears too - not because of food but because I just can't handle growing older. 21 was ok, because I was only just an adult, 22 felt like the end of the world and I hate that time passes so quickly.
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    (Original post by lightacandle)
    Today is my birthday. It is the first and, hopefully, last birthday that I will share with my eating disorder.

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    Firstly, mum made me a special treat - pancake with syrup for breakfast. This was my ultimate favourite breakfast but this morning I couldn't bring myself to eat it The look on my mums face...I will never forget it. I felt horrendous - yet I still didn't eat them.
    I did, however, make myself an awesome birthday cake and ate a large slice this afternoon. Then tonight we went out for dinner and I had bread and butter, seafood in butter and a massive plate of sticky toffee pudding with ice cream. It was absolutely amazing, but I barely tasted it, I scarfed it down as I was so scared of it. And now I'm sitting here crying my eyes out for 2 reasons; firstly, I feel so crushingly guilty about eating all that food, and I know there is so much birthday cake left and I'll have to eat it again (it tastes so wonderful, and I want to eat it so badly, but the guilt is killing me). Secondly, I am 22 - 22 and yet I'm bawling because I feel guilty over a meal out and this ED can't even leave me alone on my birthday. My 21st last year was so full of joy and happiness, and this year is so incredibly different. Plus the nice lady at the restaurant thought I was 15 - I look so crap Only a handful of family have wished me a happy birthday on Facebook, all my old friends haven't bothered and that, too, is crushing me....which is a bit silly, but it just proves how much I have isolated myself over the past few months.
    Happy Birthday x
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    (Original post by Dizzycop)
    I'd just like to say that I felt like I could relate quite well to your post. Up until recently I've been fairly happy with my body/weight but things are going downhill quite quickly. I've started restricting what I eat and trying to exercise on my mum's exercise bike/do sit ups twice a day when my parents are out at work. I know it's a really unhealthy mentality too but I just hate my body so much at the moment, it genuinely makes me feel so down sometimes and I feel so alone when I feel like that. If I give in and have something I said I wouldn't or even something quite healthy that I just wasn't allowing myself I feel really really guilty and just like I've ruined the day. If I don't exercise I feel ****e too and I just don't know what to do sometimes to make it better I feel like punishing myself would give me more control but I know it's a bad idea... I never used to be like this at all and now I suddenly feel like this does just cloud everything, it dominates all my thoughts. I don't even feel like I like shopping any more because it just depresses me. Today I bought some shorts but I felt so upset looking at myself in the changing rooms that I just sat there for a while wishing my body was different. It was so horrible
    I know what you mean, every time my son is at nursery I go to the gym for an hour to an hour and a half, then I do a workout at home. I'm recovering from a foot injury atm, but I do the home workout every night also - or I normally do.
    If I don't get to the gym when he is at nursery, I try and go during the week but even though I do get there, it kills me because I can't go for as long. And this week my dad is away so only my mum can babysit and I don't want to put too much stress on her with the tiny terror also, so I might only get to the gym once, which is pretty bloody gutting.

    I also use my sons nap times for a workout as well. It's ridiculous, this need, not even a want, to work out. I'd probably save money buying an exercise machine.
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    (Original post by lightacandle)
    Today is my birthday. It is the first and, hopefully, last birthday that I will share with my eating disorder.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    Firstly, mum made me a special treat - pancake with syrup for breakfast. This was my ultimate favourite breakfast but this morning I couldn't bring myself to eat it The look on my mums face...I will never forget it. I felt horrendous - yet I still didn't eat them.
    I did, however, make myself an awesome birthday cake and ate a large slice this afternoon. Then tonight we went out for dinner and I had bread and butter, seafood in butter and a massive plate of sticky toffee pudding with ice cream. It was absolutely amazing, but I barely tasted it, I scarfed it down as I was so scared of it. And now I'm sitting here crying my eyes out for 2 reasons; firstly, I feel so crushingly guilty about eating all that food, and I know there is so much birthday cake left and I'll have to eat it again (it tastes so wonderful, and I want to eat it so badly, but the guilt is killing me). Secondly, I am 22 - 22 and yet I'm bawling because I feel guilty over a meal out and this ED can't even leave me alone on my birthday. My 21st last year was so full of joy and happiness, and this year is so incredibly different. Plus the nice lady at the restaurant thought I was 15 - I look so crap Only a handful of family have wished me a happy birthday on Facebook, all my old friends haven't bothered and that, too, is crushing me....which is a bit silly, but it just proves how much I have isolated myself over the past few months.
    Happy Birthday!! I've definitely had bad ones with my ED - my 15th I ate what felt like so much (With hindsight I don't know if it was or not) and crying for hours because I felt so guilty and full and fat and cutting myself. Not fun. BUT l've recently had my 17th and it was really enjoyable! It's possible to move on and although you'll never forget, you WILL be able to enjoy days like this where you deserve to celebrate and indulge yourself
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    I am honestly so annoyed at myself right now. After this horrible weekend I promised I would do better, try harder and I failed. I know I've not even eaten 1500 or so kcals, but still, this guilt is eating me up. My mum spent ages, literally weeks, making this 'German Friendship Cake' and tonight it was finally ready. After all the hard work she put in, I couldn't say no, so I ended up with a massive slice and I felt too bad to turn her down.

    Now I just want to cry after eating all that crap.
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    I hate how something so simple and ordinary to 95% of people is so bloody difficult.

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    half a loaf of plain bread, a double tin of rice pudding, a bowl of custard, 2 lasagne ready meals, some icecream, a plate of chips and 10 penguins later I'm on a massive low :sigh:
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    (Original post by letsdothetimewarpagain)
    I hate how something so simple and ordinary to 95% of people is so bloody difficult.

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    half a loaf of plain bread, a double tin of rice pudding, a bowl of custard, 2 lasagne ready meals, some icecream, a plate of chips and 10 penguins later I'm on a massive low :sigh:
    -hugggging- because I cant offer advice about that sort of stuff because i've never experienced it/ am completely useless.
    • #48
    #48

    Eurgh, I just need to rant this somewhere. Sorry. I'll spoiler it so you don't have to see my stupid, off topic nonsense

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    It annoys me so much that I make plans with my boyfriend - admittedly, stupid plans that are just something like walking to the shop (in reality quite a big thing for me with my anxiety) - and he turns around and announces he's going out then just leaves. But first he'll 'ask' me if he can go, and if I say no he starts this massive argument about how I'm controlling him, damn right lying through his teeth when I point out that I made the plans first and I haven't spent a night in with him in ages because he's always finding someone else to go out with. I'm fed up of being the second option. Apparently sitting in with me is boring and pointless.

    Oh and he has NO ****ing money, so I have no clue how he's managing to go down the pub 6 nights out of 7, when I ask him about how he affords it he brushes me off. I'm totally open with him about my financial situation yet he doesn't even tell me when he's been paid just asks me when he runs out of money for some more cash. I feel like a door mat.
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    If anybody ever wants any advice or just someone to talk to, I'm always there, whatever it is. I had anorexia for 3 years and bulimia for 2. Hopefully I'll stay ok now, but I know how crap it can feel with this sort of thing, and I really wish I'd had someone to talk to when I was going through it. Just thought I'd put the offer out there. xo
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    Can't exercise tonight because I am so sore - my stomach, chest and I'm itchy all over.
    I feel like such a failure.

    I'm also scared because as of tomorrow it will be me and my son alone again for the better part of two weeks, well, my mum will come in at 5pm and I won't have to eat all day and can excuse myself from eating at night.
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    I dunno why but when I have situations I find stressful in other aspects of my life, it really brings forward the ED, like it's pushing itself forward and trying to come through again. It gets a lot harder to stop it and keep it under control. Today I was really short on team members at work so was worrying all weekend how I was going to manage it all, then a driving lesson in the evening which I get nervous for..then my theory test tomorrow, then my weigh-in CBT appt. Wednesday then work wednesday afternoon, thurs morning, fri morning and saturday morning. This should be just a normal thing I can cope with, or even a distraction from the disorder, but it proper tries to come up again!
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    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    I dunno why but when I have situations I find stressful in other aspects of my life, it really brings forward the ED, like it's pushing itself forward and trying to come through again. It gets a lot harder to stop it and keep it under control. Today I was really short on team members at work so was worrying all weekend how I was going to manage it all, then a driving lesson in the evening which I get nervous for..then my theory test tomorrow, then my weigh-in CBT appt. Wednesday then work wednesday afternoon, thurs morning, fri morning and saturday morning. This should be just a normal thing I can cope with, or even a distraction from the disorder, but it proper tries to come up again!
    mine does the same when I'm stressed.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    mine does the same when I'm stressed.
    and it's silly really because it doesn't ease any of the stress, it just ADDS to it. I've had enough CBT to analyse myself and why it happens; avoidance of facing up to situations I'm anxious about, an escape route, diversion from anxieties. "flighting" rather than "fighting" but even when I KNOW all this, doesn't mean I necessarily know how to deal with it.

    Such a plum of a situation. Bloody anorexia, you plum, you.
 
 
 
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