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    Seems lots of people are struggling :hugs:
    My current problem is deciding whether or not to drink, and I have good reasons it might be worsening my anxiety/affecting my sleep/only doing it from peer pressure which I don't like, but then I have a million other stupid ones like it'll make me fat and it'll hamper muscle growth, so I can't tell whether I have legit grounds for stopping : / really not a big deal at all but slightly concerning.
    Some preachy feel-good insight I hope can help
    Spoiler:
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    I think we need to learn to accept that just as we come to the false assumption that we’re ‘good’ and ‘bad’ depending on how much we’ve adhered to our compulsions, it can go the other way. , Counterproductive as it sounds, our reaction to food, how much we’ve used a behaviour or been preoccupied with weigh- it’s not the only way to gauge how well we’re fighting.
    Truly enjoying food for what it is without these fears and prejudices takes much longer than gaining to a healthy weight. Before that comes re-immersing in the wonderful lives you have, bit by bit, just appreciating the little things that make up your world at this very moment. Love of life and self will come before love of food and in complete recovery will be only one aspect, one experience that comes and goes in different shapes and forms like every part of us. It’s necessary for health and happiness and it brings them in abundance but it isn’t everything, only a catalyst to the rest of our lives.
    There's also a difference between knowing what's going on in your head is irrational and unhelpful, and being able to overcome it. But honestly, this takes time especially in the early phases. The initial reaction to stress for all of us is a behaviour in one way or another, and it takes a lot of time, effort, consistency and self-belief to change that. Sometimes, it's just not going to happen no matter how good the day was until then, whether the stress is too great or it just happened out of habit. Then consider the fact you need to be well-nourished to think clearly and challenge yourself. Have a look at brain plasticity to see why it can take a while to change your thoughts.
    Triggeryyyy
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    (Case in point: I’m pissed off with work, a week ago I binged on some leftover birthday cake, completely forgot about it tbh, but then this week I get a lecture about not eating other people’s food without them 0_0. Wtf. I know it’s wrong. I felt like crying and hurt myself again, but it solved nothing.
    Sometimes I really hate not having official diagnosis of an ED. It’s horrible, but at the same it feels good. If I have no excuse for a behaviour I can’t blame ED for everything, if I can’t do that I’m forced to cope without and slowly but surely, perhaps it ceases to have control over me? I really prefer thinking of myself as a person with mental health difficulties to X disorder 

    It’s so important to set up alternative coping mechanisms to practice regularly so that we can release our emotions without self-destructing. We need to try and do these when we feel more calm and relaxed so that we’re more familiar with them when it comes to fight-or-flight.

    Practice makes perfect, corny as it sounds, applies no less to self-care than to everything.


    (Late) birthday :fives: to Lightacandle! I'm sure your mum will understand. It's the thought that counts, and you tried. Hope you had a brill day in other ways :hugs:

    Good luck to you too, Melissa!
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    HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIGHTACANDLE!! And I've only just caught up with all this talk and it's seeming a little negative at the minute (Melissa, I actually just noticed the post about your cracked rib, sweetheart - please be careful m'dear!)

    Anyway, I thought I would post a bit more uplifting-toned post.

    Basically, I am struggling back and forth, I allow myself a few days a week to "feed the ED", which in itself is a terrible thing, but it is by no means better than the insane anxiety I get by trying to jump in as a completely normal, "hey, whatever goes" citizen. Even after almost a year and a half of recovery it still holds me down.

    But the good news - I am up from my all-time low of 91lbs, to my weigh-in today of 117lbs!! Moreover, MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK IN. I didn't think I'd ever see it again in my life, but my hair, albeit fine, is COMING BACK. I was so excited, as it went from bald, patchy, horrific jaundice to just suddenly appearing after a few days, and I want you to compare the me of TODAY, enjoying a YO! SUSHI meal with my sister to the me from March last year, where I had a mere fortnight to live (As I so often remind people, my liver was dying, my kidneys had ceased functioning, and my family appeared to interject at the last moment).

    PICTURES:

    MARCH 2011 :
    Name:  190298_10150097835381551_1864397_n.jpg
Views: 194
Size:  97.0 KB

    TODAY (AUGUST 2012):
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Views: 191
Size:  39.2 KB


    You and I, we CAN fight this. And we WILL beat this. I am experiencing life having walked on the edge of death, and it is so much sweeter knowing that I can, at the drop of a hat, go for a meal. I don't have to lie and say I have prior engagements. I don't have to run miles every day. My body is battered and bruised, riddled with osteoperosis and the scars of my physical self-torture. But I am not that man any more, and you are not those people any more. The first step was noticing your illness; the second was posting here.

    I believe in you all.
    • #121
    #121

    ^^ That's so amazing!!! Well done! It make me really happy to read this And inspiring that firstly I'm not alone in still having ED thoughts even though I've been 'recovered' for 18 months, and secondly that it's possible to move on and enjoy eating out and living life to the full. We can do this
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIGHTACANDLE!! And I've only just caught up with all this talk and it's seeming a little negative at the minute (Melissa, I actually just noticed the post about your cracked rib, sweetheart - please be careful m'dear!)

    Anyway, I thought I would post a bit more uplifting-toned post.

    Basically, I am struggling back and forth, I allow myself a few days a week to "feed the ED", which in itself is a terrible thing, but it is by no means better than the insane anxiety I get by trying to jump in as a completely normal, "hey, whatever goes" citizen. Even after almost a year and a half of recovery it still holds me down.

    But the good news - I am up from my all-time low of 91lbs, to my weigh-in today of 117lbs!! Moreover, MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK IN. I didn't think I'd ever see it again in my life, but my hair, albeit fine, is COMING BACK. I was so excited, as it went from bald, patchy, horrific jaundice to just suddenly appearing after a few days, and I want you to compare the me of TODAY, enjoying a YO! SUSHI meal with my sister to the me from March last year, where I had a mere fortnight to live (As I so often remind people, my liver was dying, my kidneys had ceased functioning, and my family appeared to interject at the last moment).

    PICTURES:

    MARCH 2011 :
    Name:  190298_10150097835381551_1864397_n.jpg
Views: 194
Size:  97.0 KB

    TODAY (AUGUST 2012):
    Name:  2012AUGUST.jpg
Views: 191
Size:  39.2 KB


    You and I, we CAN fight this. And we WILL beat this. I am experiencing life having walked on the edge of death, and it is so much sweeter knowing that I can, at the drop of a hat, go for a meal. I don't have to lie and say I have prior engagements. I don't have to run miles every day. My body is battered and bruised, riddled with osteoperosis and the scars of my physical self-torture. But I am not that man any more, and you are not those people any more. The first step was noticing your illness; the second was posting here.

    I believe in you all.
    PRSOM Toto man!
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIGHTACANDLE!! And I've only just caught up with all this talk and it's seeming a little negative at the minute (Melissa, I actually just noticed the post about your cracked rib, sweetheart - please be careful m'dear!)

    Anyway, I thought I would post a bit more uplifting-toned post.

    Basically, I am struggling back and forth, I allow myself a few days a week to "feed the ED", which in itself is a terrible thing, but it is by no means better than the insane anxiety I get by trying to jump in as a completely normal, "hey, whatever goes" citizen. Even after almost a year and a half of recovery it still holds me down.

    But the good news - I am up from my all-time low of 91lbs, to my weigh-in today of 117lbs!! Moreover, MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK IN. I didn't think I'd ever see it again in my life, but my hair, albeit fine, is COMING BACK. I was so excited, as it went from bald, patchy, horrific jaundice to just suddenly appearing after a few days, and I want you to compare the me of TODAY, enjoying a YO! SUSHI meal with my sister to the me from March last year, where I had a mere fortnight to live (As I so often remind people, my liver was dying, my kidneys had ceased functioning, and my family appeared to interject at the last moment).

    PICTURES:

    MARCH 2011 :
    Name:  190298_10150097835381551_1864397_n.jpg
Views: 194
Size:  97.0 KB

    TODAY (AUGUST 2012):
    Name:  2012AUGUST.jpg
Views: 191
Size:  39.2 KB


    You and I, we CAN fight this. And we WILL beat this. I am experiencing life having walked on the edge of death, and it is so much sweeter knowing that I can, at the drop of a hat, go for a meal. I don't have to lie and say I have prior engagements. I don't have to run miles every day. My body is battered and bruised, riddled with osteoperosis and the scars of my physical self-torture. But I am not that man any more, and you are not those people any more. The first step was noticing your illness; the second was posting here.

    I believe in you all.
    EXPERIENCING ALL OF THE FEELS. You actually look like your living as opposed to just existing. Even your sister looks happier! Yo sushi = <3.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIGHTACANDLE!! And I've only just caught up with all this talk and it's seeming a little negative at the minute (Melissa, I actually just noticed the post about your cracked rib, sweetheart - please be careful m'dear!)

    Anyway, I thought I would post a bit more uplifting-toned post.

    Basically, I am struggling back and forth, I allow myself a few days a week to "feed the ED", which in itself is a terrible thing, but it is by no means better than the insane anxiety I get by trying to jump in as a completely normal, "hey, whatever goes" citizen. Even after almost a year and a half of recovery it still holds me down.

    But the good news - I am up from my all-time low of 91lbs, to my weigh-in today of 117lbs!! Moreover, MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK IN. I didn't think I'd ever see it again in my life, but my hair, albeit fine, is COMING BACK. I was so excited, as it went from bald, patchy, horrific jaundice to just suddenly appearing after a few days, and I want you to compare the me of TODAY, enjoying a YO! SUSHI meal with my sister to the me from March last year, where I had a mere fortnight to live (As I so often remind people, my liver was dying, my kidneys had ceased functioning, and my family appeared to interject at the last moment).

    PICTURES:

    MARCH 2011 :
    Name:  190298_10150097835381551_1864397_n.jpg
Views: 194
Size:  97.0 KB

    TODAY (AUGUST 2012):
    Name:  2012AUGUST.jpg
Views: 191
Size:  39.2 KB


    You and I, we CAN fight this. And we WILL beat this. I am experiencing life having walked on the edge of death, and it is so much sweeter knowing that I can, at the drop of a hat, go for a meal. I don't have to lie and say I have prior engagements. I don't have to run miles every day. My body is battered and bruised, riddled with osteoperosis and the scars of my physical self-torture. But I am not that man any more, and you are not those people any more. The first step was noticing your illness; the second was posting here.

    I believe in you all.
    Hair suits you xxxxxxx
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    Thank you all so much for the birthday wishes :grouphugs:. Like I said, no one really remembered my birthday, so getting some happy birthdays on here means a lot God, I sound like a sad loser. I'm not...honest!

    Toto - you look amazing and are an absolute inspiration. Your kind, knowledgeable words give so many people on here support and hope - I know we've not spoken before, but I've been through your posts (/stalker) and have read your story and wish I could meet you for a thank you cup of tea. And a muffin, cos' we is brave.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    I've had an ok couple of days, but the birthday cake is still causing my grief. Tonight, I decided I wanted a piece for supper because it's delicious and I enjoy it and it's nearing the end of its life - mum cut it for me and it was a big slice (well, in my head) and I freaked and refused to eat it and put it back on the plate. Well, I've retrieved and returned that same piece of cake from the kitchen 3 times so far tonight...can I not just decide to damn well eat it?! Stupid cake related anxiety.


    This may have been covered by people earlier on in this giant thread, but I can't remember - how have people coped with the move from home to University with an eating disorder? I move out in 3 weeks time and I'm terrified to be honest. Part of me knows that I find my family very triggering and unsupportive so maybe living by myself will be a good thing, but another part of me is very scared that things will go badly wrong.
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    (Original post by lightacandle)
    This may have been covered by people earlier on in this giant thread, but I can't remember - how have people coped with the move from home to University with an eating disorder? I move out in 3 weeks time and I'm terrified to be honest. Part of me knows that I find my family very triggering and unsupportive so maybe living by myself will be a good thing, but another part of me is very scared that things will go badly wrong.
    It may well have been covered, but I can't remember what was said if it has been. So I'll sit and patiently wait for someone to answer. Also move out in 3 weeks, terrified my flatmates will hate me/ I'll get a massive flat of 11, all girls. Or that someone will have beef with the fact the uni CHOSE me, as opposed to being forced to accept me.
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    (Original post by lightacandle)
    .
    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    x.
    Personally, uni helps me because I can have control over my whole life and so don't have to use restricting to feel in control.
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Personally, uni helps me because I can have control over my whole life and so don't have to use restricting to feel in control.
    i thought it might. Atleast at uni, my part of the fridge will be full of things I can eat (i.e not full of stuff with palm oil in). But I know if I'm cooking for myself, i cba to do much more than beans on toast, but if I'm cooking for others, i have once spent 2 HOURS in the kitchen making this pumpkin pie from scratch...
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    I loved moving away to Uni as my house is a very negative, stressful, alcohol-fueled environment but I had to come home after the first month because I'd been eating less because I was probably guilty people were looking at me, or judging how much I was eating. I think I felt like a pig or something. Plus, I didn't really like my course and decided to change to something different. I guess Uni is different for everyone but on the whole, other than my weight, it really DID help my head. Never before had I felt stress-free for as long, all I had to worry about was my studies; none of the additional stuff that teenagers shouldn't have to worry about. If your house is a trigger for you, then it could be a real positive. Just as long as you let it be and don't restrict or eat less or anything; ultimately, an environment is JUST a place, it's down to us to make ourselves better/worse.

    Just had a CBT appointment and made a few surprise realisations regarding what may have started my disorder. Although what's done is done, it kinda feels like a massive burden off my shoulders for it to make sense a bit more now. We'd come up with other ideas before that it could of been but nothing had really CLICKED. This one does though, feels kinda liberating to understand my own actions/brain functions. I hate how out of control of yourself and your thoughts an ED can make you feel.

    I dunno the point of this post, random I guess. I just like that I feel I can be open.
    • #48
    #48

    I find uni quite stressful - being a long way from home and the people I love (I'm definitely a home bird, lol). I'm pretty worried this year will be very bad for restricting and over-exercising as I'm five minutes from the uni gym and at the very top of a four floor house - going to have a kettle/hot drinking facilities in my room and I just know that when I'm depressed I won't make the effort to go down to the kitchen and make food. :s But I'm trying to stay positive and worry about that *if* that happens, as I can't change where I live so I need to deal with it! Hope that makes sense :/

    Last year wasn't too bad, apart from the uh, three weeks I spent in a massive depression not going anywhere or eating anything and just surfing pro-ana websites. That was a bad month. But other than that - I was generally ok. Weird eating habits but generally... ok.
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    I'm going to put this in spoilers because it contains figures and triggering stuff.

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    So, recently I just have no desire/want/see a need, to eat. I'm not getting hungry and when I do a small yogurt or fruit will suffice. The only reason I do eat, is because other people are around and eating - for example, today I went to coffee with my grandparents, they got coffees and a sandwich, I got tea and a biscuit so they wouldn't question me on why I wasn't eating. Or dinner times when my mum actively makes something, but even then I take the smallest portion I can get away with and not finish it because, I'm just not hungry.

    I can eat, in total, around 600kcal or less a day and feel fine. I use a calorie tracker and today it is around 900kcal in total, but thats because when someone cooks for me/I cook for them, I put in exactly 1/2 or 1/4 of each ingredients worth - however many are eating, I take that ratio. However, once the food is ready, I take less than everyone else, so obviously those numbers don't apply, and then I don't even finish so it's even more so incorrect. I also don't log my exercise dvd which burns around 150kcals too. So in total it has probably dropped to the 600odd mark, and that's only because I said to my mum I'd make dinner (she works 7 - 5 everyday and this week my dad's away, so I wanted to lessen her stress as she has high BP and such). I would of been fine wiht a wee tin of heinz/home made lentil soup or something similar.

    In fact, the only reason I do eat during the day is because I'm with my son and I know I need to eat in order to keep up with an active two year old. I also don't want to pass my habits on to him. I don't want him to see me shy away from/get upset over food and think it's what should happen normally. I want him to have a healthy relationship with food, so I make sure he sees me eating at least something once or twice during the day. Today it was a yogurt (which he finished, so no issues there yay!) and the biscuit at coffee - since he had lunch there too and then napped, I can say I had my lunch then.

    I would be quite happy not eating, at all. I just don't find any enjoyment in it just now. It's the enemy, food makes me fat and having lost so much weight (this was beffore my ED tendancies kicked in again), I do believe I have a fear of putting on weight again.

    I actually cannot wait until uni starts again so that for 2-3 days a week I can get away with eating next to nothing, and no one will ever know. How pathetic is that? My fiancee keeps telling me to eat, and I'm being unhealthy, but I genuinely can't see it. I'm not hungry, therefore I don't eat. Simple.


    On a side, but related, note, I'm also really upset that on Friday I will be completely alone for a few hours and I always clean and go to the gym. I wanted to have a massive binge and purge, but realised there is nothing in the house to do this with. The thought almost made me cry.

    I've also found out that one of my employers (for a year and a half) has fired me without actually firing me - or telling me for that matter! I worked as a lifeguard and ad hoc swim teacher for a certain company and apparently they after summer lessons started again a few weeks ago. I never got told, and apparently one of the teachers - the 'lead' teacher - has taken on my role as lifeguard too. This is a woman, who is supposed to be able enough to coach swimteachers-to-be, yet every time I seen her work, she couldn't handle more than two children at a time. She always gave me the excess load, often the trouble makers and those who wouldn't listen, because it was 'too much' for her. I'm not being bitter, me and the other two swim teachers noticed this, and told the manager many times, but it apparently fell on death ears. Yet now she is apparently a teaher and lifeguard, at the same time. Anyone else see a potential problem with this?
    So now I'm without a job. It was only 3 hours a week, sure, but it brought in almost £100 a month. That's me £100 a month down, and with a child to pay for and a wedding to save for - this is quite a low blow. I worked there for a year and a half. I went above and beyond my duties, I was there if they needed anyone else, I made the most breakthroughs, I was the link between company and parents/guardians and now, nothing. How ****ing rude is that?
    So here I am, stressed because my other job is at a golf club, and with bad weather, there are less members there and so less need for the hourly paid staff and the salaried duty managers get all the work. Understandable, and I was warned about this. At first I wasn't bothered, because I thought I had the aforementioned job. Now I'm pooing my pants.

    I'm applying to job after job and constantly rejected. I need a job and this stress isn't doing my depression or ED great, let me tell you that. There's also the small voice inside my head saying I'm not getting accepted/got let go of, because I'm not good enough and you know how that makes you ...

    It's all so ****ing **** and I need to cry.
    • #121
    #121

    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    Just had a CBT appointment and made a few surprise realisations regarding what may have started my disorder. Although what's done is done, it kinda feels like a massive burden off my shoulders for it to make sense a bit more now. We'd come up with other ideas before that it could of been but nothing had really CLICKED. This one does though, feels kinda liberating to understand my own actions/brain functions. I hate how out of control of yourself and your thoughts an ED can make you feel.
    Sounds like CBT has really helped you... How did you get it? Did you get referred to it by your GP/psychiatrist? I'd be interested in giving it a go.
    • #122
    #122

    Some guys are such idiots Why do they enjoy hurting people?! I'd had an alright week so far, despite circumstances now i've found that i've stuck my fingers down my throat four times today :'( i'm so ashamed and I HATE him for doing this :'(
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Sounds like CBT has really helped you... How did you get it? Did you get referred to it by your GP/psychiatrist? I'd be interested in giving it a go.
    Yeah, I guess it kinda did. Was never a therapy "believer" beforehand; I guess it gets a bad press or has a lot of corny stereotypes attached to it. But it's nothing like I thought. And yeah, my GP referred me. I'd suggest everyone give it a go, it may not be for you but there's no harm in trying. Everyone deserves to give themselves a chance. X
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    With regards to the "home, away from home?" debate, dependant on how powerful your ED is, its a mixed blessing. For example when I feel I'm"on holiday" my bad ed habits are. Broken and I have a great anorexic holiday where I disregard my usual bad habits!!

    But then the rut sets in again.

    If you can ensure there will always be variables to mix up your living space, it's uncomfortable but very helpful. We keep lying to ourselves that routine is safe, it's key, but it is absolutely the ULTIMATE issue to kill.
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    So today it's safe to say I am exceptionally nervous. I always go to the gym for an hour to hour and a half full of cardio on Friday's and then I do an at home workout for 30mins which combines strength, abs and cardio.

    However, today I can't get to the gym, and I am actually worrying at the thought of this. I haven't been able to go to the gym all week due to childcare, or lack of, and today was my first chance I'd have to go. The gym isn't just about the exercise or calories burned to me, I like the serenity it brings, I like being alone and doing what I like to do - it's relaxing as well. For that time I can just let go and forget, get so wrapped up in what I am doing my outside bothers do not trouble me. And right now, I have a few major issues :/

    I won't get to go now until perhaps Monday morning (I have a meeting to attend) or Tuesday night (no babysitter during the day). I am going to do my at home workout twice today (I had originally planned twice last night, as my son slept in my bed due to his fever), however, this just doesn't seem enough.

    Gah.
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    Eugh my sons sperm donor has acted out again, and now the small inclination I had to eat some cereal or a slice of toast has completely vanished. Selfish, inconsiderate, abusive, controlling prick.
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    Rubix, you don't need yo punish both you and your son for the failings of the lad's father. Just think of your child. You're slowly killing yourself by punishing your body, and if not for yourself, use your wee one as the reason to eat and vitalise your body.

    If you starve it to the point of degradation where you struggle to do things for your child or worse, expire before you see him grow up, you will have failed him just as much as his clearly negligent father has, and we both know you're better than that, my love. Xx
 
 
 
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