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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. Watch

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    Hey all,

    I think I may have bulimia nervosa.
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    (Original post by rubixcyoob)
    So apparently excercising 20 minutes tonight makes me a selfish parent who puts myself in front of my son.

    No wonder I starve myself to lose weight.
    :hugs: Who's said that sweetheart? Exercising doesn't make you a heartless narcisistic biatch, promise. Surely is better for your son to see mummy going for a run, or going swimming, doing yoga than sat on your ass watching TV, mindlessly grazing on crap - as my own parents do.
    • Thread Starter
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    You see, EDs and by extension all mental illnesses are inherently selfish, even if the motives are not. It's a purely internal, resonating disease with an "area of effect".

    What I mean is, even if we desperately want to live for others, our disorders by their nature require us to be self absorbed every time we indulge them.

    It's that which in turn saps the time away from other people and pursuits. It's one of the most outright frustrating elements of ED if you're even a remotely sympathetic /empathetic person.
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    (Original post by rubixcyoob)
    So apparently excercising 20 minutes tonight makes me a selfish parent who puts myself in front of my son.

    No wonder I starve myself to lose weight.
    People worry. They see you exercise, and immediately think of negative eating disorder behaviour. Of you harming yourself. When, in reality, once at healthy weights again - it's just as fine for us to exercise as every other person in the world, as long as it's mixed with a balanced diet. However, some people will still associate it with crazy obsessive ED behaviour. They probably said that to try and shock you, or scare you out of it because they're scared themselves.
    Try not to see it as a dig or personal insult to yourself, rather someone going the wrong way but with fair intentions.
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    Oh dear, I feel low tonight

    My hair was actually coming out in handfuls in the shower; I've been losing it for a while, but tonight there just seemed to be so much of it. I really, really hope that it stops when I'm consistently eating better and weight restored. I can still cover the bald patches, but not for much longer as it all gets thinner.

    I moan about this, then choose a packet of Skips over 'proper' crisps. ED - you make no sense!

    Going to spoiler some food talk..
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I have many issues surrounding food, but I really really wish I could get over these ones in particular-
    • Fear of butter. This has only resurfaced in the past few weeks, but I'm not buttering sandwiches or crackers.
    • Fear of liquid calories. Again, this has only resurfaced relatively recently; for a while, I was managing to drink milk normally and a little fresh orange juice. I can manage milk in my tea now, but no other liquid other than water.
    • Breakfast anguish. This really gets me down. I wake up at 8am, but cannot bring myself to have a proper breakfast because lunch is 'only' 4 hours away, so I don't feel like I deserve it. I've wound myself up over what constitutes a 'normal' breakfast, and now can't think of anything to have. How much cereal is 'normal', how much toast am I allowed etc etc.
    • Having the same lunch every. single. day. Some days I want soup, but I get scared that soup doesn't seem as filling as bread and what if I get hungry...obvious answer is 'well eat more', but my mind doesn't work like that.
    • Anguish over a snack before bed. I'm hungry, and I wake in the middle of the night hungry sometimes, but I don't think I should eat before bed, it's now 'allowed'.
    • Scary obsession over what everyone else is eating. It's sometimes like I HAVE to know, and know how much they've had, and why they didn't finish it if they leave any. I shouldn't care about this!
    Hopefully going to go over all these with my new set of ED people..they are such frustrating habits/problems that I just wish I could banish.
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by lightacandle)
    Oh dear, I feel low tonight

    My hair was actually coming out in handfuls in the shower; I've been losing it for a while, but tonight there just seemed to be so much of it. I really, really hope that it stops when I'm consistently eating better and weight restored. I can still cover the bald patches, but not for much longer as it all gets thinner.

    I moan about this, then choose a packet of Skips over 'proper' crisps. ED - you make no sense!

    Going to spoiler some food talk..
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I have many issues surrounding food, but I really really wish I could get over these ones in particular-
    • Fear of butter. This has only resurfaced in the past few weeks, but I'm not buttering sandwiches or crackers.
    • Fear of liquid calories. Again, this has only resurfaced relatively recently; for a while, I was managing to drink milk normally and a little fresh orange juice. I can manage milk in my tea now, but no other liquid other than water.
    • Breakfast anguish. This really gets me down. I wake up at 8am, but cannot bring myself to have a proper breakfast because lunch is 'only' 4 hours away, so I don't feel like I deserve it. I've wound myself up over what constitutes a 'normal' breakfast, and now can't think of anything to have. How much cereal is 'normal', how much toast am I allowed etc etc.
    • Having the same lunch every. single. day. Some days I want soup, but I get scared that soup doesn't seem as filling as bread and what if I get hungry...obvious answer is 'well eat more', but my mind doesn't work like that.
    • Anguish over a snack before bed. I'm hungry, and I wake in the middle of the night hungry sometimes, but I don't think I should eat before bed, it's now 'allowed'.
    • Scary obsession over what everyone else is eating. It's sometimes like I HAVE to know, and know how much they've had, and why they didn't finish it if they leave any. I shouldn't care about this!
    Hopefully going to go over all these with my new set of ED people..they are such frustrating habits/problems that I just wish I could banish.
    :hugs:

    Spoiler:
    Show

    I can relate to a few of those - specifically the fear of liquid calories, and the obsession over what others are eating and how much etc. It's just another part of the control for me. I also have to make sure that my portion is one of the smaller ones (if we're dishing dinner up for 4 of us, I have to have the smallest out of all four plates) and I rarely finish my plate; but if others leave stuff on theirs I'm right on it asking why etc.! Pretty hypocritical.


    BTW, what do you mean by 'proper' crisps?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    :hugs:

    Spoiler:
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    I can relate to a few of those - specifically the fear of liquid calories, and the obsession over what others are eating and how much etc. It's just another part of the control for me. I also have to make sure that my portion is one of the smaller ones (if we're dishing dinner up for 4 of us, I have to have the smallest out of all four plates) and I rarely finish my plate; but if others leave stuff on theirs I'm right on it asking why etc.! Pretty hypocritical.


    BTW, what do you mean by 'proper' crisps?
    I'm the exact same.

    I had to decide between Walkers Ready Salted, Golden Wonder Ready Salted ('proper' crisps) or the battered old bag of Skips I found lurking at the back of the cupboard. In the old days, I would have grabbed the nearest and tucked in. But oh no, not now..and I ended up with the Skips. Better than nothing, but not the 'good' option I should have chosen.
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    That horrible feelin when you step on a scales, are 50k and burst into tears because you put 2kg on..

    Also, working a 75 hour working week as of tomorrow :emo:
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    (Original post by letsdothetimewarpagain)
    That horrible feelin when you step on a scales, are 50k and burst into tears because you put 2kg on..

    Also, working a 75 hour working week as of tomorrow :emo:
    :hugs: drowns you in tea. good luck with the 75hours. i couldnt do that with my job. I'd kill someone/ do so much damage to myself.
    • #48
    #48

    It's really ****ing hard to pick 50 pictures to print out for your wall when you look hideous in every one of them. There's only so many photos of scenery and my cats I want to have on my wall... I'd like to have some nice ones of me and my BF/friends/family but apparently none exist :sad:
    • #121
    #121

    (Original post by beepbeeprichie)
    Hey all,

    I think I may have bulimia nervosa.
    Hey - I'm really sorry to hear that Have you been to see your GP or anything? It's worth having all the support you can get. If you aren't sure if you're ill, or are ready to talk to someone irl, try some website like nhs http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Bulimia...roduction.aspx or b-eat.
    Really hope that you're ok
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It's really ****ing hard to pick 50 pictures to print out for your wall when you look hideous in every one of them. There's only so many photos of scenery and my cats I want to have on my wall... I'd like to have some nice ones of me and my BF/friends/family but apparently none exist :sad:
    this. I think there is 1 nice one of me with a friend at the olympic torch do, and one from the sixth form ball, and thats it.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    :hugs: Who's said that sweetheart? Exercising doesn't make you a heartless narcisistic biatch, promise. Surely is better for your son to see mummy going for a run, or going swimming, doing yoga than sat on your ass watching TV, mindlessly grazing on crap - as my own parents do.
    It was my mum, of all people. I know, that's my thoughts exactly - while the rest of my family sit on their asses and eat, surely it's good he's seeing someone work out. I normally always do it at home, when he's napping, so I don't 'pawn' him off on people, and on the odd occassion I do go to the gym he knows I'm going to do my 'exercises'.

    I mean, last night I was exercising on the floor for twenty minutes in my room and he was on my bed. It's the 30 day shred programme and when I was doing my strength part such as the push-ups etc. he was copying me and having fun, when it go to the cardio he'd jump on my bed and when it got to the ab work he decided he needed a 'rest' and just wanted to lie down aha.

    How is that me being selfish? He was having fun, he was happy and he wasn't tired.

    Should I have just sat on my ass and made him do the same?

    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    People worry. They see you exercise, and immediately think of negative eating disorder behaviour. Of you harming yourself. When, in reality, once at healthy weights again - it's just as fine for us to exercise as every other person in the world, as long as it's mixed with a balanced diet. However, some people will still associate it with crazy obsessive ED behaviour. They probably said that to try and shock you, or scare you out of it because they're scared themselves.
    Try not to see it as a dig or personal insult to yourself, rather someone going the wrong way but with fair intentions.
    My mum knows nothing about my ED. She works 7am-5/6pm a day and by that time if I have eaten a little throughout the day I can say it's more and have soup/cereal etc. for dinner and if I haven't eaten I can have a small dinner.
    Then at weekends I normally go out (as my son is away at his other grandmothers) so shop, go to my fiances, cinemas etc - and she is none the wiser either.
    My binging normally tends to happen on weekends when it does also, so she hears from my fiance that I've eaten dinner, popcorn etc. so there's no need to worry.

    She was purely meaning I was selfish in that I exercised and didn't sit right next to my son and try and force him to sleep. I wish it was because she knew/realised.
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    I feel so low right now.

    Spoiler:
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    Firstly, I made that promise to myself that I would eat healthier and better foods, however, because of my current low-confidence state (previously mentioned on 220) I'm just wanting to eat crap. It's a love-hate relationship, it's comforting but it makes me feel so guilty by eating it. Also, if I eat one bar of chocolate/one cupcake it has the equivalent calorie value of two bananas, or a whole bowl of fruit and yoghurt etc. I have to drum it into my head that less =/= better and less certainly =/= healthier.
    It's such a simple concept, but one that plaques my thoughts constantly.

    Secondly, I will net 900kcal today, maybe 1000kcal because I've binged (actually more, but doing exercise to lessen this). I can't help but feel like an absolute failure, how can I eat so much?
    I just want to curl up in a ball and avoid food, but I can't - I need to get something proper in me, seeing as I've only eaten crap foods today - a brownie here, a cupcake there etc.

    I just feel so guilty. And to top it off my fiance isn't well and wants me to go to his tomorrow, but this means I won't be able to go to the gym. Me and him would be planning on coming back to mines anyway later on, so I'm going to try and convince him to come to mine instead of me getting the train there for an a few hours, because then I can fit in a gym session as well.
    How selfish am I?


    I just want to cry really, but no one here understands and part of me doesn't want them to. Because understanding means knowing, and I certainly do not want them to know.
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    I am so exhausted. I'm so tired of being tired. I haven't eaten great for the past 2 days, and I think it's finally caught up with me today because I barely have the energy to walk up the stairs. I'm 22, I should be bounding with energy and up for going out and stuff...but I'm knackered.

    I haven't slept for the past 2 nights either - entirely sure this is linked to the not eating great. I went to bed relatively tired last night, but my mind was whirring and my bed was so uncomfortable
    Spoiler:
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    my hip bones rub into the mattress and if I lie on my side my knees rub together horribly
    and although I didn't feel physically hungry, my body felt like it was just craving something. Energy, probably. I really need to let myself have a proper snack at about 10pm, but the guilt is still a bit much. I'd sleep better with a full stomach, I'm sure. What does everyone else have as a good snack at night?

    Food talk spoilered..
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Today I've had:
    Breakfast - boiled egg and soldiers (soldiers didn't have much butter on them, but they did have a little which is better than most days)
    Snack - homemade custard cream biscuit
    Lunch - ham on toast (tiny bit of butter on the toast, and one slice of wafer thin ham - such an annoying habit) and 2 digestive biscuits.
    Snack - 1 large Drifter biscuit finger
    Dinner - breaded chicken breast, salad and chips (ahhh chips, but I ate them all) and another custard cream
    I'm actually still a bit hungry, but this feeling is scaring me. When I've eaten well, like today, my mind is in overdrive thinking 'Is this what normal people have? Am I full? I'm not sure that I am. But I shouldn't have any more, because this might already be a lot of food. But I'm not sure. No one else is eating any more, and I'm not entirely sure if I'm hungry or just wanting food..' etc. Wish I could shut my brain off, I really do!
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    So I'm part of MyFitnessPal and last night I realised that in 10 months my weight only fluxuates by around +/- 3lbs and no more. I've been the same weight for 10 months - regardless of how little I'm eating.

    I posted a help topic on my plateau and the people on there (including fitness trainers and nutritionists) and their advice was basicaly - eat more and until I reset my metabolism, don't work out as much. So I decided, better now than never. But the thought of not exercising today, or all weekend, is actually making me shake with nerves. I shouldn't get this way over the prospect of not going to the gym, I shouldn't sit and physically make me shake - I mean my hands are actually shaking as I type this.
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    (Original post by rubixcyoob)
    So I'm part of MyFitnessPal and last night I realised that in 10 months my weight only fluxuates by around +/- 3lbs and no more. I've been the same weight for 10 months - regardless of how little I'm eating.

    I posted a help topic on my plateau and the people on there (including fitness trainers and nutritionists) and their advice was basicaly - eat more and until I reset my metabolism, don't work out as much. So I decided, better now than never. But the thought of not exercising today, or all weekend, is actually making me shake with nerves. I shouldn't get this way over the prospect of not going to the gym, I shouldn't sit and physically make me shake - I mean my hands are actually shaking as I type this.
    Good, they are right. I had the same problem for about half a year I was stable at pitiful calories and it was all because of my metabolism. Don't freak out if the scales change as you eat more (tools online can help you find your maintenance kcals)... it'll be water retention and glycogen x
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    It's amazing how utterly destroyed your metabolism can become on low-cal intake; for example, at my worst I was taking in about 700(ish) a day, waaay too little for a mid-twenties man at 5 foot 7-8. But the plateau halted my loss. Then on recovery I was put on an insane 3500 kcal diet, and at one point, a 4000 kcal diet; initially the weight PILED on me, then maybe an odd pound, and then, when I started to lower it to 3000, to 2500, I found I actually LOST weight. I ended up dropping pounds and pounds. And I was sedentary! It just showed what an utter shambles my metabolic state was.

    Now I maintain about the 1900-2100 mark. If you think about it, that's three times what I used to maintain at, in my dark days...
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    I'd just like to announce that upon many a request I am actually writing a book to document my own journey, to both advise, reveal and explain my own unique eating disorder to a wider audience.

    It's going to be called "What Lies Between The Skin and Bone" (a metaphor for both the literal fat and muscle or lack thereof, the dysmorphic view, and the untruths an eating disorder leads the person to believe). I've copied in the prologue:

    Humans are incredible creatures. Take a look at any one of us and you'll see the same thing – a creature formed of a pair of arms, a pair of legs, a set of organs to regulate and maintain the fleshy vehicular form, and at then atop that, a head housing a brain to tell the rest what to do, and how to live. It's not unlike how any other animal is formed, really; but somehow, we are special due to one unique spark; one found within the human mind. It is a spark that shines brightly, but one we often overlook – that we are no slave to nothing... not even the basic of instinct.

    As human beings, we are both privileged and cursed with minds capable of complexities of thought no other species of flora or fauna on Earth can ever achieve; a deep-seeded, inherent curiosity and thirst for knowledge, of understanding and empathy. We weave webs of intrigue spanning the farthest reaches of our consciousness, form databases of complicated information in a perfectly filed structure... and occasionally we will form the demons to our own downfall and demise.

    These are not demons of tooth and claw, but the demons of our subconscious desires, anxieties, compulsions and past experiences gone truly awry. Through a series of mental events, sometimes, a new set of mental structure and ruling forms. A code of conduct constructed solely for the person that formed it; a set of new intentions and limitations, ambitions and goals. In the mind of the creator of this set of rules, it may be arbitrary, it may be utterly essential – but eventually that set of rules detaches from the creator's control, and eventually takes over; it becomes the master.

    A mental disorder forms from a kernel of thought, a flippant set of considerations, that slowly grows into a beast that enslaves the person that created it.

    This book is a documentation of how I allowed my own demon to become a goliath, to overwhelm and corrupt me, and eventually almost kill me.

    This book is a documentation of how I remembered that a human is an incredible creature, and is a slave to nothing.



    I hope I don't come across as pompous in any way throughout, and I make a very strong point of mentioning that the demon still lives with me, that an Eating Disorder doesn't necessarily always die or expire, but that the human spirit, the human mind is the origin of it, and that it can most definitely be fought.

    Would this be something you would be likely to read if completed/published?
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I'd just like to announce that upon many a request I am actually writing a book to document my own journey, to both advise, reveal and explain my own unique eating disorder to a wider audience.

    It's going to be called "What Lies Between The Skin and Bone" (a metaphor for both the literal fat and muscle or lack thereof, the dysmorphic view, and the untruths an eating disorder leads the person to believe). I've copied in the prologue:

    Humans are incredible creatures. Take a look at any one of us and you'll see the same thing – a creature formed of a pair of arms, a pair of legs, a set of organs to regulate and maintain the fleshy vehicular form, and at then atop that, a head housing a brain to tell the rest what to do, and how to live. It's not unlike how any other animal is formed, really; but somehow, we are special due to one unique spark; one found within the human mind. It is a spark that shines brightly, but one we often overlook – that we are no slave to nothing... not even the basic of instinct.

    As human beings, we are both privileged and cursed with minds capable of complexities of thought no other species of flora or fauna on Earth can ever achieve; a deep-seeded, inherent curiosity and thirst for knowledge, of understanding and empathy. We weave webs of intrigue spanning the farthest reaches of our consciousness, form databases of complicated information in a perfectly filed structure... and occasionally we will form the demons to our own downfall and demise.

    These are not demons of tooth and claw, but the demons of our subconscious desires, anxieties, compulsions and past experiences gone truly awry. Through a series of mental events, sometimes, a new set of mental structure and ruling forms. A code of conduct constructed solely for the person that formed it; a set of new intentions and limitations, ambitions and goals. In the mind of the creator of this set of rules, it may be arbitrary, it may be utterly essential – but eventually that set of rules detaches from the creator's control, and eventually takes over; it becomes the master.

    A mental disorder forms from a kernel of thought, a flippant set of considerations, that slowly grows into a beast that enslaves the person that created it.

    This book is a documentation of how I allowed my own demon to become a goliath, to overwhelm and corrupt me, and eventually almost kill me.

    This book is a documentation of how I remembered that a human is an incredible creature, and is a slave to nothing.



    I hope I don't come across as pompous in any way throughout, and I make a very strong point of mentioning that the demon still lives with me, that an Eating Disorder doesn't necessarily always die or expire, but that the human spirit, the human mind is the origin of it, and that it can most definitely be fought.

    Would this be something you would be likely to read if completed/published?
    niiice one. Hope it goes well.
 
 
 
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