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    Melissa touched on it; it's true. The ED is fed by knowing too much.

    First off, try a day where you eat a snack you don't "count". It's frivolous. Then try a meal.


    Baby steps make ridiculously huge progress. Xxx
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    eurgh, in an absolute right **** up of a mess :emo:
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    Care to give us any details, at all? Not to sound snarky, but posts like that don't serve to help you OR anyone else. Tell us a bit, vent, enquire; but don't just post defeatist comments m'dear.
    • #43
    #43

    Forgot to mention yesterday, 4 days until my Mum gets married. Lolwut.
    My mind can't quite keep up with how much this feels like it's going to change things. I am so happy for her but at the same time it's...threatening? I feel terrible saying that

    PRSOM Melissa
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    (Original post by letsdothetimewarpagain)
    eurgh, in an absolute right **** up of a mess :emo:
    -kidnaps you, drowns you in tea.-

    4 more days and then i'm going to be dumped in Sheff and left to fend for myself. I'm dreading going shopping on the saturday because i have no idea what i want foodwise. If I go with mum normally she's like 'what do you want for tea this week' I'm usually 'I'm really not fussed'
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    Saw my diabetes nurse yesterday and I've lost weight again. My bmi is no longer anywhere near healthy and I was so so close and I honest to god have been trying so hard. Feel like a failure, can't do anything except cry and sleep and over the weekend I nearly walked out of my job because I can't deal with customers right now and I've lost not only the person I love but our precious friendship as well. My counsellor is away. I feel so alone. I'm sorry for whining but I really have hit rock-bottom rapidly and out of the blue. I know that eating more is making me achieve nothing when I have so much rage and emotion I can't stop going to the gym. I am ashamed.
    • #43
    #43

    (Original post by letsdothetimewarpagain)
    eurgh, in an absolute right **** up of a mess :emo:
    :hugs: 'sup timewarp? x


    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    Saw my diabetes nurse yesterday and I've lost weight again. My bmi is no longer anywhere near healthy and I was so so close and I honest to god have been trying so hard. Feel like a failure, can't do anything except cry and sleep and over the weekend I nearly walked out of my job because I can't deal with customers right now and I've lost not only the person I love but our precious friendship as well. My counsellor is away. I feel so alone. I'm sorry for whining but I really have hit rock-bottom rapidly and out of the blue. I know that eating more is making me achieve nothing when I have so much rage and emotion I can't stop going to the gym. I am ashamed.

    : / Really sorry to hear you're feeling so low too. It's OK to 'whine', that's what we're all here for, to listen to each other and make our peace rather than bottle it up and end up with it coming out in less helpful ways. We listen so that you can calm down and move forward though, rather than let yourself get trapped by rumination. Which is all too easy to do, everyone here and everyone in the world's done that to themselves at some point or other whether they admit it or not.
    But as you said to me, failures are just signposts on the road to recovery you don't have to feel ashamed. There's no wrong in pain, much less wrong in crying than covering it up.
    You can, nevertheless, stop taking it out on your body. You have power over your emotions whether you choose to embrace it or not. You need to give yourself permission to let yourself mourn and clear your mind, rather than run away. Feelings need to be felt before they can be reflected on without bias. I find some quiet time with nice, relaxing music or a light read and a cup of green or chai tea's great for becoming one with yourself again at times of distress.

    The loss of a partner must be hard. It might be that at this moment in time, they need some breathing space because they're unsure how to help you. Perhaps, given a few weeks or months, there'll be the chance to talk things through and rebuild the bridge. Maybe sooner than you think.
    Or maybe it has ended. Let yourself feel it but try not to regret. There's a lot of good times you must have had together however rocky the road's been lately, they'd want you to focus on them and how they've helped you grow and live. Everything has its reason.

    How soon will your counsellor be back? Can you send them an urgent e-mail or leave a message on their phone? Any other professional you can talk to mean-time?
    Can you talk to your boss and let them know what's going on? Are they aware of how you're feeling?

    Whatever happens, let it be. Sometimes people leave but by no fault of our own, it was just the way things turned out. It might be the time for change, sometimes for the better.
    'Things are going to be different. But different doesn't always mean bad. It's just different.'
    (At least I think that's what J.D. said in Scrubs :P funny how you can get equally powerful words of wisdom from Aristotle and the guy on TV. Humility goes a long way, we all have something to learn and a story to tell. Sorry, my own little musing )

    Hope this can help even a little. I won't pretend to know exactly how you feel right now, just wish you all the best.
    x
    • #131
    #131

    I was just wondering, is it normal to find the effects of a hangover triggering? I was out on Sunday night and all day Monday I was just feeling miserable and wanted to binge-purge and self harm. I feel better today but I was just wondering if drinking does this to anyone else? Or could something else be causing it?
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I was just wondering, is it normal to find the effects of a hangover triggering? I was out on Sunday night and all day Monday I was just feeling miserable and wanted to binge-purge and self harm. I feel better today but I was just wondering if drinking does this to anyone else? Or could something else be causing it?
    Drinking also makes me feels like ****, especially if i'm not in a good mood when I start drinking. Done it before when I've been feeling a bit glum, had a glass of Pimms. By the end of said glass I was ready to slit my wrists :/ Which is why I'm more interested in the freshers week activities which don't involve clubbing/ drinking.
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    My relationship is on the rocks. I'm doing things with food that I probably shouldn't be doing as far as my dr is concerned but makes me feel better. I did an 11.5 hour shift, 3.5 hours sleep and now on the way to another 8 hour shift. I haven't had a day off in 13 days, not got one for another 4. I've had a complete change of mind about uni but really want to talk things through with someone who knows my situ and unis but can't find anyone.
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    Listen, I didn't ever want to appear like I was deterring ANYONE from posting here; I'm in the mindset EVERYONE should post here even if they have an utter inkling of doubt about ED. But what I meant before is, people PM me saying sometimes the thread turns hopelessly negative with people posting "I give up" or "That's it, the ED has totally beaten me, full stop".

    I don't have the privileges to moderate or remove these comments here so for the benefit of people that are triggered by totally negative comments with little to no explanation, details or pros to others on the thread, please... PLEASE just think before posting "FML" or similar.

    Thanks guys... And much love. Xx
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    (Original post by letsdothetimewarpagain)
    My relationship is on the rocks. I'm doing things with food that I probably shouldn't be doing as far as my dr is concerned but makes me feel better. I did an 11.5 hour shift, 3.5 hours sleep and now on the way to another 8 hour shift. I haven't had a day off in 13 days, not got one for another 4. I've had a complete change of mind about uni but really want to talk things through with someone who knows my situ and unis but can't find anyone.
    -just wants to kidnap you and give you loads of tea and nice things and for it to be sunny and nice, and for the voices to go away so timewarpy is happy again-

    I'm not ready for Saturday. I swear it'll be an absolute disaster because they'll take me to asda and i wont be able to deside what food i want, then i'll get yelled at, then it'll start picking things to keep her quiet, which will most likely be things i don't actually like. She'll try and 'help' me unpack, which i don't want her to do, as i need to know where everything is. I want to take some of my A level books, so i don't completely fail my first year, she'll have issues with that as well.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    -just wants to kidnap you and give you loads of tea and nice things and for it to be sunny and nice, and for the voices to go away so timewarpy is happy again-

    I'm not ready for Saturday. I swear it'll be an absolute disaster because they'll take me to asda and i wont be able to deside what food i want, then i'll get yelled at, then it'll start picking things to keep her quiet, which will most likely be things i don't actually like. She'll try and 'help' me unpack, which i don't want her to do, as i need to know where everything is. I want to take some of my A level books, so i don't completely fail my first year, she'll have issues with that as well.
    Just think - soon she'll be out of your hair and you can have your independence x
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    (Original post by letsdothetimewarpagain)
    My relationship is on the rocks. I'm doing things with food that I probably shouldn't be doing as far as my dr is concerned but makes me feel better. I did an 11.5 hour shift, 3.5 hours sleep and now on the way to another 8 hour shift. I haven't had a day off in 13 days, not got one for another 4. I've had a complete change of mind about uni but really want to talk things through with someone who knows my situ and unis but can't find anyone.
    :consoles: Sorry to hear about this. Any chance you feel ready to tell your employer that things aren't going so well? Careers advisor you could talk to about rethinking uni perhaps? And are you sure that you've changed your mind or is it fear of doing what you really want? x

    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    -just wants to kidnap you and give you loads of tea and nice things and for it to be sunny and nice, and for the voices to go away so timewarpy is happy again-

    I'm not ready for Saturday. I swear it'll be an absolute disaster because they'll take me to asda and i wont be able to deside what food i want, then i'll get yelled at, then it'll start picking things to keep her quiet, which will most likely be things i don't actually like. She'll try and 'help' me unpack, which i don't want her to do, as i need to know where everything is. I want to take some of my A level books, so i don't completely fail my first year, she'll have issues with that as well.
    Not sure who 'she' is sorry Snow, but if she bothers you this much, remember-she doesn't have control over you. You're your own person, you know what you need and want better than anyone else and even if they have the best intentions at heart, you've the right to say No and that you can look after yourself.
    Hope you have a great first few weeks at uni, I'm sure you'll knock 'em out x
    _____________
    I love friends not sure if they know but I think some of them know I've gone on mad rampages in the streets before and they're still there when most gave up ^_^
    I just wish we didn't have to constantly meet up in town with them so often blindly drunk and mess up sleep pattern continuously, like the good old days. Pretty sure that's stalling the healing process as I end up too tired to find my own direction and character-I just don't know where life is going beyond this degree-and it's worse if I've drank which is why I only do it moderately now.
    Sure it's fun, but is it superficial? I get worried I can't relate to them anymore and I'm sacrificing a part of my own identity for this yet I still see glimpses of their old, genuine selves, and the new self underneath that's still kinda the real person. I see hope. Hope maybe it hasn't all changed for the worse.

    Spoiler:
    Show

    Guess I also wish that I didn't end up getting so jealous of seeing my friends pulling new friends they've met and having a really good, carefree time, and that I could stop taking it out on myself. I know all too well this thing has made me unnecessarily serious and uptight. Disappeared for 2 hours last night, I was so upset. Still don't feel ready for a relationship and right now my conversation skills are pretty awful but bloody hell it hurts to see...love, or freedom, or just shameless desire?...so open. Every single party. Then I feel guilty for being so selfish when I could be more happy for them. Mhmhmhm
    Fortunately talked it through in a quiet space, calmed down and didn't have to go home. At least I have my friends
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    I'm quite confused. Before I moved back to Uni my bulimia was really bad with big 'sessions' 3-4 times a day. Now I've moved back to Uni and have been on my own (usually a bad thing) and with money in my bank account (again usually a bad thing), my usual behaviours have changed significantly, but not in a way that my doctor would be happy about.

    Not sure how to feel about this or why? I'm so confused right now :/
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    :hugs: 'sup timewarp? x





    : / Really sorry to hear you're feeling so low too. It's OK to 'whine', that's what we're all here for, to listen to each other and make our peace rather than bottle it up and end up with it coming out in less helpful ways. We listen so that you can calm down and move forward though, rather than let yourself get trapped by rumination. Which is all too easy to do, everyone here and everyone in the world's done that to themselves at some point or other whether they admit it or not.
    But as you said to me, failures are just signposts on the road to recovery you don't have to feel ashamed. There's no wrong in pain, much less wrong in crying than covering it up.
    You can, nevertheless, stop taking it out on your body. You have power over your emotions whether you choose to embrace it or not. You need to give yourself permission to let yourself mourn and clear your mind, rather than run away. Feelings need to be felt before they can be reflected on without bias. I find some quiet time with nice, relaxing music or a light read and a cup of green or chai tea's great for becoming one with yourself again at times of distress.

    The loss of a partner must be hard. It might be that at this moment in time, they need some breathing space because they're unsure how to help you. Perhaps, given a few weeks or months, there'll be the chance to talk things through and rebuild the bridge. Maybe sooner than you think.
    Or maybe it has ended. Let yourself feel it but try not to regret. There's a lot of good times you must have had together however rocky the road's been lately, they'd want you to focus on them and how they've helped you grow and live. Everything has its reason.

    How soon will your counsellor be back? Can you send them an urgent e-mail or leave a message on their phone? Any other professional you can talk to mean-time?
    Can you talk to your boss and let them know what's going on? Are they aware of how you're feeling?

    Whatever happens, let it be. Sometimes people leave but by no fault of our own, it was just the way things turned out. It might be the time for change, sometimes for the better.
    'Things are going to be different. But different doesn't always mean bad. It's just different.'
    (At least I think that's what J.D. said in Scrubs :P funny how you can get equally powerful words of wisdom from Aristotle and the guy on TV. Humility goes a long way, we all have something to learn and a story to tell. Sorry, my own little musing )

    Hope this can help even a little. I won't pretend to know exactly how you feel right now, just wish you all the best.
    x
    Taking the time to read and reflect on this message really helped me a lot.
    Feel stronger today. Thank you so much and hope things are getting back on track for you too x
    • #43
    #43

    (Original post by x-Disenchanted-x)
    Taking the time to read and reflect on this message really helped me a lot.
    Feel stronger today. Thank you so much and hope things are getting back on track for you too x
    It's my Mum's wedding tomorrow and I'm...not entirely at ease with the idea. Actually it's terrifying.
    Spoiler:
    Show

    So today I realllly want to go to the gym and ease stress because I haven't been for a week. But I can't even utter the word gym without thinking it's a behaviour when it's not. Or is it? Ffs I go once a week when I want to go at least 3, or well just enough to get fitter and keep myself stable, I can't even run a mile anymore I've contained myself for so long, and yet now going at all is going too much.
    I've used every other coping card up my sleeve but now I just need to run or lift or something. I cannot keep myself still through willpower alone all the time!


    I feel selfish for wanting to calm myself when she's so stressed and I feel awful that I'm not 100% happy for her so can't say anything I'd probably get chucked out of the house if I did now lol, but a stepdad? He's a nice guy, but my stepdad, already? It's so soon

    Rant over. Quite a big weekend, I guess

    I'm really glad you're feeling stronger :hugs: x
    • #132
    #132

    Urgh. I'm supposed to be packing for tomorrow. I CAN'T. I've been trying to do it for 3 hours, and all I've managed to do is put my hair straightners into their box, put my alarm clock back into its box, and sort out my paperwork I need to take, and save my CV to a memory stick, and take my posters down. I can't decide what I want to take, and i'm too scared to take what i want to take because I'm scared it won't fit in the car!
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    This is just a general question because it's something I've been mulling over for a while. Have any of you noticed any other 'addictions'? I've always thought EDs were kind of like an addiction. I only ask because since recovering from anorexia, I had a stint with alcoholism and sex addiction. I was just wondering because I feel like it's strange -- 3 addictions, 1 person. Anyone else felt they have addictive tendencies towards stuff? x
    • Thread Starter
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    jazzykinks m'dear, the problem with anorexia specifically is that it is a personal compulsion for calculation and accumulation as well as restriction, into a compulsive routine.

    I personally too suffer from an odd form of alcoholism where I will literally always factor in alcohol calories for the coming day, even if I do not intend to have them; it's not so bad any more, but I think, "I'll have 300 calories of beers tonight, and that'll work out to such and such, then I'll have a..."

    It's weird because I'm still using the "calculate the day ahead" approach even though now it's to a far more healthy number. But in my head it's the only way I could've coped in recovery stage, using my illness as a weapon against itself.

    But the weird thing is, I factor in the beer calories for the day ahead and if I don't feel like them I still drink them, because it's "set". But if I just decide to have a Mars bar instead, I don't get alcohol withdrawals or anything.

    Weird ol' life, so it is!
 
 
 
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