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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. Watch

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    Mel - that youtube vid made my evening (yeah i'm home alone :P )

    It's funny how it can attack from lots of angles - some more subtle than others. I've dealt with the obvious ones. Less doesn't mean better/happier, healthy doesn't mean being in the way/being pointless, obsessing about intake, having rules and being ruthless with myself isn't necessary for a stable life/control.

    One of the last things to tackle is feeling like life is at a standstill whenever I am not at a weight I am comfortable with. (BMI)
    Spoiler:
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    I wanted to stay at a BMI of 18.5-19 but
    weeks of celebrations has caused it to go further than this. Although i'm comfortable with just cutting out snacky foods until it goes back to 'normal' and do not have any urge to go crazy with diets e.t.c... I don't feel like i'm allowed to be socialising or partying at this time. This is just another hurdle in that long road

    You are fine for just being fine with being you! This is the first time in my life that i'm really becoming independent.
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    I'm here, i'm alive. I'm eating, not sleeping very well though. Too much 'do you want a cup of tea?' going on, and my pillows aren't right :/
    • #48
    #48

    So ****ing thirsty.

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    Eating an entire sharing bag of Doritos to myself in an hour - really bad idea.
    • #83
    #83

    I'm so scared.

    Spoilered because I don't want to trigger anyone. Talk of purging, restricting, calories. I don't expect any replies.. just need to get this out
    Spoiler:
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    I have been restricting for a few weeks (to a net of 300-600 calories, eating more than that but burning a lot in the gym) and it started making me dizzy, snappy all the time and really really tired. So I decided to start having a bit more, but then of course I ended up bingeing. If I ever binge, I have to purge. I just feel so awful if I don't, and I actually worry about my stomach rupturing or something like that. I know its an incredibly unhealthy thing to do. I wish I could just eat a normal amount, 1200 calories or something, and not ever want to binge. It's like something takes over me and I don't even feel like I'm in control of my thoughts or actions when I binge. My mentality changes completely to "I need to eat as much as I can. I need to get everyone out of the kitchen so I can get all the food I need. I need to make myself feel full." and then afterwards I have to purge until I can taste the bile/stomach acid. It's so bad... and when it happens, I just want everyone to leave me alone and try and do it sneakily so they can't judge me for eating so much. I have such a strict diet and if I ever have something that I usually wouldn't allow myself to have, even if I plan it and factor it into my calories, I always end up bingeing on it and as a result purging. I went through a couple weeks of purging at least once a day. It was horrible. I've cut it down to 1-2 times per week but its still bloody awful.
    I have never told anyone about my bingeing, I find it too embarrassing. I can't even tell my mum. (Has anyone found that telling parents actually helps? Helps them understand your mood swings or something?) I never even went to a doctor when I restricted for so long that I became very underweight and lost periods for months, I'm too scared to go. So I haven't actually had an ED diagnosed or anything.
    I lost 8lbs in the last 11 days from having such low (and sometimes negative) nets. I know its extremely bad to lose weight this quickly, and I'll be losing muscle, but I'm getting addicted to it again. I want to see the number on the scale go down, even if its by a teeny bit, every single day. This is what I was like when I was skinny and part of me wants to be that way again, even though I have been told I look better now. I just feel fat. Apparently I have a nice shape now, but I don't see that. I don't even care if I do, I just want to lose weight really badly I don't even care if I look worse like that anymore. Sometimes I have actually wished I kept going past my lowest, not caring if that would kill me. I don't know whats wrong with me...
    This is consuming my life and I need to change. I need my whole mindset to change. I just don't know how to change it. I don't know how I'm going to get through another year of university like this. I'm so self-destructive... I feel like my life is hopeless so I might as well just not even try. Ugh, sorry.. just getting this stuff out. I can't talk to anyone in real life.
    • Thread Starter
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    Interested and interestING; Your ED is not your pal, but a mental DISorder.

    Wants you dead.

    DIS... Order. Faulty. Wrong.

    If your ED tells you ARGH ARGH CARBS ARGH then... ED is telling you it. Faulty, wrong.
    • #132
    #132

    Can't sleep. **** this. I KNOW this has NOTHING to do with how much I'm eating, I'm actually eating like a normal person, and once taking out what i'm burning with all this walking, my net is 1200+. Seriously tempted to buy some sleeping tablets on the way back frm lectures tomorrow, but so scared they'll make me sleep so deeply that if the fire alarm goes off i won't hear it/ won't be able to move to get out of my room :/
    • Thread Starter
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    Anon, 1200cal is not maintenance, nor "normal" for anyone. 5-7year old tots need more than that.

    It's possible you're actually (and don't sneer) not eating enough to sleep!

    Interesting fact: it takes more calories to sleep than it does to lie awake, dormant all night. Sounds impossible? Think again. Think of a computer. A PC. When you're lying there, it's like being on the desktop. No programs open, but power still being used. Sleeping is not like "shutting down" - it's when your body turns to "sleep to perform vital updates". It's a vicious cycle; less energy you take in, less can be expended "updating" - healing, processing, maintenance of the body.


    Please take in more energy, not turn to drugs.
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    I can second that. I used to really struggle with my sleep, really, really bad. And it annoyed my ED too because I used to try and sleep often so I didn't feel hunger too much but it didn't work. Your body is clever, it's resisting the damage you're doing to yourself and making it as hard as possible for you to do. As soon as my diet and calorie intake improved, my sleep followed suit. I never thought i'd see the days of rising at 10am and it still being ah "Ahh, do I HAVE to get up?" ever again.

    I can honestly promise you, for all the hard work of recovery, it is worth it. I could give a list as long as my arm of factors of my life that have improved since I've been recovering.
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    hi, I am new!

    I am in theory a fully recovered anorexic But, in reality I still struggle. Yep, my weight in normal and has been now for neally 18months. I am at Uni and doing well in most areas of my life. In all honesty my life is 1000000's of times better than it was when I was at my low point but, and yes there is a but I still have all of the horrible thoughts. I think about all of the ways I could restrict, I lie to people when I have a bad day and I some times even long to be back where I was when things were bad. I know that I have a better quality of life now but I still long for the old me. I hate that I constantly feel like I am mentally being pulled back even though I can keep this happy and healthy image on the outside. It means that everyone automatically thinks there can't be anything left of the 'old' ED and I find it hard to explain that it is still there, I just fight it everyday in order to stay healthy.

    I am not sure why I feel the need to tell you all this, I guess I just wanted to know if anyone else has recovered physically but still finds the mental struggle even years down the line hard? I so want to not think about my weight every day, I want to get dressed and see myself in the same way as all of the other people around me btu at the moment that doesn't seem possible.
    • #81
    #81

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I was just wondering whether anyone here has any experience of dealing with rumination syndrome? It's something I've done for most of my life since I was a child and it's only recently that I've started to learn how unhealthy it is after coming across an article on it and try to stop. Mine is completely voluntary and it facilitated my bulimia (I only needed muscle control to bring up food). Generally my bulimia is something that's behind me, but i still ruminate out of habit after meals. I feel a bit lonely because looking on the internet very few people seem to have it (or admit to it) compared to other EDs. It's really embarrassing and a horrible habit but I hope someone can relate :sad:
    Hi I had no idea such a syndrome existed! I just thought it was just my fault for eating too fast and eating too much. I've been bringing up food for a long time now, sometimes it doesn't even have to be much for it to happen and it doesn't happen voluntarily for me which is quite scary :/!

    Although I've not binged in a few days now I have still been feeling this syndrome. At uni now, good news i haven't binged but I refrain from eating with my friends :/! Take the good with the bad I suppose
    • #100
    #100

    I feel like a terrible person. There's a new guy that's started in my office today and he's so cocky, confident, full of himself. I despise him already but I think deep down I'm just jealous. I have no confidence and find work a struggle sometimes. He's been here one day and he already seems so confident, chatting away with the clients, getting to know everyone. Im sat here, quiet, he's probably thinking I'm miserable and I have a face like a slapped arse but.. I just want him to shut up. I want to be on my own so I can concentrate on my work but it's not his fault, is it? He wants a job, he wants to work to earn money, he's trying to impress the boss so we take him on permanently. So why do I resent him so much? I don't get it. It's not even like my eating is at it's worst at the moment either. I thought I'd been doing well.
    • #59
    #59

    (Original post by oxongirl)
    hi, I am new!

    I am in theory a fully recovered anorexic But, in reality I still struggle. Yep, my weight in normal and has been now for neally 18months. I am at Uni and doing well in most areas of my life. In all honesty my life is 1000000's of times better than it was when I was at my low point but, and yes there is a but I still have all of the horrible thoughts. I think about all of the ways I could restrict, I lie to people when I have a bad day and I some times even long to be back where I was when things were bad. I know that I have a better quality of life now but I still long for the old me. I hate that I constantly feel like I am mentally being pulled back even though I can keep this happy and healthy image on the outside. It means that everyone automatically thinks there can't be anything left of the 'old' ED and I find it hard to explain that it is still there, I just fight it everyday in order to stay healthy.

    I am not sure why I feel the need to tell you all this, I guess I just wanted to know if anyone else has recovered physically but still finds the mental struggle even years down the line
    hard? I so want to not think about my weight every day, I want to get dressed and see myself in the same way as all of the other people around me btu at the moment that doesn't seem possible.
    Well done on the recovery, that's incredible! I've still got a way to go yet and with every improvement there's a little setback but slowly going in the right direction. Keep your chin up and know that you've done something amazing. I bet you look a million tines better and while you're not completely free of ED-related thoughts, you're a true fighter. It's people like you who I look up to and make me want to get better x
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    That was me btw
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
    Mel - that youtube vid made my evening (yeah i'm home alone :P )

    It's funny how it can attack from lots of angles - some more subtle than others. I've dealt with the obvious ones. Less doesn't mean better/happier, healthy doesn't mean being in the way/being pointless, obsessing about intake, having rules and being ruthless with myself isn't necessary for a stable life/control.

    One of the last things to tackle is feeling like life is at a standstill whenever I am not at a weight I am comfortable with. (BMI)
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I wanted to stay at a BMI of 18.5-19 but
    weeks of celebrations has caused it to go further than this. Although i'm comfortable with just cutting out snacky foods until it goes back to 'normal' and do not have any urge to go crazy with diets e.t.c... I don't feel like i'm allowed to be socialising or partying at this time. This is just another hurdle in that long road

    You are fine for just being fine with being you! This is the first time in my life that i'm really becoming independent.
    Cinnie this post made me smile you're doing so well! x
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    (Original post by oxongirl)
    hi, I am new!

    I am in theory a fully recovered anorexic But, in reality I still struggle. Yep, my weight in normal and has been now for neally 18months. I am at Uni and doing well in most areas of my life. In all honesty my life is 1000000's of times better than it was when I was at my low point but, and yes there is a but I still have all of the horrible thoughts. I think about all of the ways I could restrict, I lie to people when I have a bad day and I some times even long to be back where I was when things were bad. I know that I have a better quality of life now but I still long for the old me. I hate that I constantly feel like I am mentally being pulled back even though I can keep this happy and healthy image on the outside. It means that everyone automatically thinks there can't be anything left of the 'old' ED and I find it hard to explain that it is still there, I just fight it everyday in order to stay healthy.

    I am not sure why I feel the need to tell you all this, I guess I just wanted to know if anyone else has recovered physically but still finds the mental struggle even years down the line hard? I so want to not think about my weight every day, I want to get dressed and see myself in the same way as all of the other people around me btu at the moment that doesn't seem possible.
    Same with me. I'm in yr 13, not at uni yet, but been recovered for nearly 2 years. My quality of life is undoubtedly much better, but I still can't quite let go of my ED. Everyone just assumes that I'm fine now, and sometimes I am, but sometimes I'm really not. I feel like I have a stain on me from it that I can't rub off, that it'll always be in my head. I still feel that it would be better if I were thinner. In fact, recently I've been thinking that a lot, and my eating habits have become rather messed up, scared that I could be relapsing. I'm a healthy weight, but the mental stuff gets me down. You aren't the only one to feel this way, stay strong <3
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    (Original post by oxongirl)
    hi, I am new!

    I am in theory a fully recovered anorexic But, in reality I still struggle. Yep, my weight in normal and has been now for neally 18months. I am at Uni and doing well in most areas of my life. In all honesty my life is 1000000's of times better than it was when I was at my low point but, and yes there is a but I still have all of the horrible thoughts. I think about all of the ways I could restrict, I lie to people when I have a bad day and I some times even long to be back where I was when things were bad. I know that I have a better quality of life now but I still long for the old me. I hate that I constantly feel like I am mentally being pulled back even though I can keep this happy and healthy image on the outside. It means that everyone automatically thinks there can't be anything left of the 'old' ED and I find it hard to explain that it is still there, I just fight it everyday in order to stay healthy.

    I am not sure why I feel the need to tell you all this, I guess I just wanted to know if anyone else has recovered physically but still finds the mental struggle even years down the line hard? I so want to not think about my weight every day, I want to get dressed and see myself in the same way as all of the other people around me btu at the moment that doesn't seem possible.
    Hey hun
    It's true. We all have our ups and and downs. I would say that the reason why you sometimes want to restrict despite knowing the benefits of not doing so is because it does give you a sense of security. You just need to reach out and talk to people. A healthy weight doesn't necessarily mean that you're fixed mentally. As Toto often says, even an obese person can have anorexic thoughts.

    I'm one of the few recovered ones here and I don't really find that I have a mental struggle. I am mindful of what I watch purely because I'm at a healthy weight and I don't want to gain, but not as much as I used to. I can have a takeaway and order what I want rather than worry about the calories, for example. It just comes with time and self-acceptance. I've gotten to the stage where I know that having an ED is so bad for me that I'd rather be +10kgs than -10kgs. When I feel down, what helps me is reminding myself how much better life is now that I'm healthy and that losing weight/having control over my food so obsessively just isn't worth sacrificing the quality of life that I have now. x
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Hi everyone. My name is Toto, if you'd like to refer to me by my screen name; or Tommy, if you'd like my actual name. Either way, a name is merely a name, just as a tag is merely a tag. And unfortunately, I am tagged many a time.

    I am a 26 year old man. I'm also suffering from anorexia nervosa (restrictive type), obsessive-compulsive disorder, and multiple anxiety disorder.

    The social stigma associated with, especially anorexia, is not as forgiving with men, it seems. I believe it's because of the very erroneous, silly notion that people develop the disorder through a pursuit of vanity. Mine couldn't be further from that notion; psychologists determined my onset was triggered by being an over-achiever of sorts. I have an insatiable urge to complete life goals I set myself; I struggled to get to college, did so, struggled to get a top grade, did so, then struggled to get into university, did so, struggled again to get the best grades, and managed so. Whilst others gave up trying for the perfect job in such an enormously competitive industry - I strived, and I got the perfect job. Now, with nothing on the horizon, I effectively turned to creating silly daily goals - restricting calorie intake, "beating" what I did yesterday, doing one more sit-up, running one more mile. It has ravaged my body to near death at points.

    http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/photo..._6798.jpg?dl=1

    In university, I was a healthy weight, as pictured above. At 5' 7"/8", I weighed in around 125-130lbs. After my problems started, the weight obviously just dropped off to my lowest weight ever - just 91lb. That's a mere 6 stone 7. My muscles atrophied, I could hardly stand, my hair thinned, my concentration waned.

    http://img695.imageshack.us/img695/7...2399000570.jpg

    My days consist of getting up, eating a breakfast of 200 calories, doing around 250 situps, 10 minutes worth of abdominal planks, 300 press-ups, and other various exercises. I eat another meal of fish, steamed vegetables, mushrooms, salad - anything low calorie and filling - later in the day, followed by more exercise. Finally, I go to bed and allow myself a bowl of cereal - my "treat" for the day - and maybe a beer or two whilst I play some videogames. I never break my "calorie cap" of 1500 calories in the day.

    Trying hard, I have been trying to reach that cap, to channel my need to reach goals into a positive. My intention is that I can keep increasing it and reaching the goals in a positive way - one which helps me *gain* weight. It still scares me when the number on the scale goes up as it's synonymous with "losing" against my previous self; but I need to do this in order to *not die*. Which is always a good thing.

    I liken the disorder to a demon on your shoulder, creating a bubble around you. The frustrating thing is you *know* how to get better, but the demon talks you out of it. When you reach for the answer, the bubble stops you. But the bubble is a comfort. It is safe. It is known, accepted, quantifiable.

    With my new methods, I may not have gained much weight (I am just short of 93lb), but I feel a lot stronger day to day and my morale is up. My skin is also less jaundiced and everyone comments I look more full of life:

    http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/479...6853090570.jpg

    It's surprising how quickly your body retains fat and water when you've restricted so long - a terrifying prospect to someone with an eating disorder - but you must stick with it.


    I'd love to open up the floor now to all and any input here into this very diverse topic, to hear perhaps your own stories or any input or advice you can give myself, my peers and anyone else potentially developing one of these insidious conditions.

    All my love to everyone and the absolute best of luck in your own daily battles, regardless of what they may be!
    well said about this.
    • #133
    #133

    Hi. I’ve never posted here before and have been working on gaining weight. I wondered if anyone else ever suffered from a lot of spots when this happened. I’m 20 but it feels like I’m starting puberty all over again. Even though I’ve been eating as healthily as I can my skin is like a 13 year old’s.
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    Thank you for all of the replies, it really helps to let things out sometimes. Keep fighting everyone. xx
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    Has anyone else had experiences with electrolyte imbalances? I had my bloods done as I am constantly dizzy and exhausted and have got to the point where I need to nap constantly and have almost passed out a few times today. I feel too sick to eat anything which is making it worse. Apparently the results show that my sodium levels are quite low and proteins a bit high; is it normal to be feeling like this? I am so completely furious with myself for letting this happen to my body. I can't go on a night out with my friends tonight because I feel awful and I hate missing out because of this.
 
 
 
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