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    Hm.

    Had another thought about my behaviour this evening and what constitutes a "binge". I am extremely controlled as an individual in terms of calories. Whether or not it's 100 calories of cabbage or cake, I view it the same; it's just numbers.
    But I spoke before about "banking calories". This evening I knew we would be eating a lot of cake; my sister got TWO amazing birthday cakes.

    So, i factored in two big slices worth of calories; 950- "banked" off my maintenance for today. So i ate relatively meagrely and had tons of cake this evening, but still only had maintenance calories.

    Bizarrely, because it was so rigidly controlled, it was very much enjoyed and absurdly decadent, but i would not regard it "binge" behaviour because of the control element.

    Still "disordered" and a compulsive anxiety-related behaviour though.
    • #113
    #113

    People are going out to parties and enjoying themselves while I am at home, bingeing and purging, then studying to remove the guilt. My life has become too depressing for words. I don't know how I'm going to cope at uni. Is anyone else in the same position? I feel so scared.
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    I think a binge to someone with anorexia is different to a bulimic binge, in a way. As to "binge" as an anorexic, it's not necessarily eating a bit of cake or a scare food; it's more breaking free of numbers or breaking your own rules and regulations. It may not necessarily be a hefty food binge, even.
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    How is everyone doing?
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by letsdothetimewarpagain)
    How is everyone doing?
    ****.
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    Not sleeping, waking at silly o' clock in the morning. My ED has now gone from 'I can eat whatever as long as i don't go over X calories today', to 'if it's not healthy, I can't have it'. On the uni's VLE, I've found a document that covers what we study in all of my maths for idiots lectures, the first lecture i.e Monday, there's a maths test (according to this doc. , not that we've been told. ) So I'm worried about said test because I've no idea what's on it.
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    ^ that was me.
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    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    I think a binge to someone with anorexia is different to a bulimic binge, in a way. As to "binge" as an anorexic, it's not necessarily eating a bit of cake or a scare food; it's more breaking free of numbers or breaking your own rules and regulations. It may not necessarily be a hefty food binge, even.

    Yeah, what I mean is that my own behaviour is neither of the two. No foods scare me as such, but I am very controlling even still. I believe it was key to how I got myself to such a point of recovery physically; I allowed myself the indulgence of the control but to a numerical value that was in fact, healthy.

    For example, my frame (5'7, male, 115-ish pounds) maintains weight at around 1800-1900 calories. Therefore I absolutely control my weight to this point, where my calculations are factoring in everything I intake.

    It's still very much in disorder realms, but now I am no longer calculating my intake to a point that is restriction. I would certainly say that it's better than the habit I HAD, but still work to be done.

    Like I said, if I know I'm going to be eating a KFC box meal (1300 calories) then I might only allow 500 for the rest of the day, which is fairly mean. I know a normal person would count it as an "off day" and just say screw it, but it's my method of coping.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Yeah, what I mean is that my own behaviour is neither of the two. No foods scare me as such, but I am very controlling even still. I believe it was key to how I got myself to such a point of recovery physically; I allowed myself the indulgence of the control but to a numerical value that was in fact, healthy.

    For example, my frame (5'7, male, 115-ish pounds) maintains weight at around 1800-1900 calories. Therefore I absolutely control my weight to this point, where my calculations are factoring in everything I intake.

    It's still very much in disorder realms, but now I am no longer calculating my intake to a point that is restriction. I would certainly say that it's better than the habit I HAD, but still work to be done.

    Like I said, if I know I'm going to be eating a KFC box meal (1300 calories) then I might only allow 500 for the rest of the day, which is fairly mean. I know a normal person would count it as an "off day" and just say screw it, but it's my method of coping.
    Yeah, that's how I started to. In a way I thought it helped to ensure that I was having enough to gain/recover too. Like, I was counting calories but I was counting them to make sure I had enough - because if I hadn't done so, I might have felt like I'd eaten a hell of a lot without actually hitting an adequate calorie value. I think in a way that was still my ED clinging on though and gradually I've been letting that go. We're not dumb, in fact, a lot of us are probably the opposite..we know if we're under-eating without counting every last number. And I've really been enjoying just eating things without knowing the number, it makes life a lot easier.
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    To me the defining line for a binge is eating something when I know I did it for completely emotional reasons; usually comfort and release (backfires), often a punishment or a way to shove back down uncomfortable feelings and realities. I could go to Red Hot Buffet and gorge out with some friends, but that'd be a welcome indulgence-whereas if I was eating a lot home alone (take a multi-pack of chocolate bars), or in a clearly disordered way where I had no idea what I was doing but felt the urge to anyway, that'd be a binge. I don't feel any self-loathing for indulging-most of my fear foods have been eaten in company, otherwise I'm pretty 'safe' with choices- but I still do with binges, a lot, and fear for whatever damage it's causing now, possibly exaggerated. Binges have an almost ritualistic fight against the urge whereas a healthy craving being sated or picking an unkown emal/dessert, it's almost unconscious now.

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    and boy do I have that urge now. I think I should really delete my Facebook, because comparing the new me to the old me, seems like half of the people I knew just don't care anymore. No-one's liked or even noticed a single status I've put up for a month now, and I don't do them annoyingly often, maybe once or twice a week. I'd put it down to but they still do like/comment/share for a lot of my oether friends which begs the question, why are you even my Facebook Friend if you don't give one? I know many at school/college mocked me because of Dyspraxia/social anxiety and thought I was so stupid I didn't realise they were patronising me, could be that. Swear I've lost so many people from just having to stop drinking as much. It's not as if I've completely isolated myself, I'm just keeping in touch with close friends mainly and trying to keep organised with work, do hobbies, start to go out during uni.
    I wonder if it's whether they've grown up and see me as a kid because I pretend to be hopelessly optimistic-yes, I know we're in a recession which is hideously stressful-but I think a lot of them just think bitterness and cynicism gives them some sort of mature status and, well, I think it's the opposite. Also, it's a dangerous mentality to let yourself adopt when you know how far you can take it without some positive reasoning to control the rage.
    If I do delete it I'd have to explain what's going on to my real friends though, and it'd be a lot harder to keep in immediate touch, I don't have everyone's number...


    It's strange how the definition of what's 'acceptable' to eat and even what we consider healthy gets completely skewed by just having people you trust to speak sense for you.
    • #48
    #48

    Back at uni, trying to sort my life out and organise a proper weekly meal plan. Both to save money, and keep me from either not eating anything or bingeing so hard that I bankrupt myself...

    Also going to sign up for the gym, hopefully that'll be a positive release of emotions?
    • #100
    #100

    Having reaaaaally strong urges to go to the supermarket after work, buy basically everything and go home and binge/purge. But I have to go to the in-laws for tea and I know going there is the 'right' thing to do it, it's 'normal' and 'healthy' and my boyfriend will be cross if I cancel last minute but I just want to do the other thing so badly.
    • #134
    #134

    Hey I'm new to this thread and I just wanted to have a blurt about how things have been recently.

    For the past few months, I've strived to not go over 1000 calories, some days even less. I feel quite powerful when I can do it, and I feel like a mess when I can't. I have depression, and when I get really upset, I just can't/won't eat. Sometimes that makes me feel a little bit better, a little bit lighter in my mood. I've started weighing myself everyday and depending on the scales to tell me whether I'll have a bad or good day. I'm pretty sure I know where this has come from. In my relationship, I've been feeling really insecure. My boyfriend is really skinny. His ex-girlfriend was also gorgeous and slim. I look up her facebook page sometimes and just cry that I'll not ever be good enough. I know this is wrong, I have no confidence or self-esteem at the moment. I'm supposed to be leaving for university in a few days and I'm a mess, I'm not excited, I can't enjoy it. My main worry has been not being able to afford some scales. But then what makes me happier is that I won't have much money to buy lots of food like I would have in the past. Calories and numbers have sort of become my life, so has staring in the mirror and feeling disgusting in comparison to other girls, particularly my boyfriend's ex. I just don't know what to do :cry: I'm so tired.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey I'm new to this thread and I just wanted to have a blurt about how things have been recently.

    For the past few months, I've strived to not go over 1000 calories, some days even less. I feel quite powerful when I can do it, and I feel like a mess when I can't. I have depression, and when I get really upset, I just can't/won't eat. Sometimes that makes me feel a little bit better, a little bit lighter in my mood. I've started weighing myself everyday and depending on the scales to tell me whether I'll have a bad or good day. I'm pretty sure I know where this has come from. In my relationship, I've been feeling really insecure. My boyfriend is really skinny. His ex-girlfriend was also gorgeous and slim. I look up her facebook page sometimes and just cry that I'll not ever be good enough. I know this is wrong, I have no confidence or self-esteem at the moment. I'm supposed to be leaving for university in a few days and I'm a mess, I'm not excited, I can't enjoy it. My main worry has been not being able to afford some scales. But then what makes me happier is that I won't have much money to buy lots of food like I would have in the past. Calories and numbers have sort of become my life, so has staring in the mirror and feeling disgusting in comparison to other girls, particularly my boyfriend's ex. I just don't know what to do :cry: I'm so tired.

    That, my dear, is a slippery, dangerous slope. I didn't ever really care for my ED for vanity reasons, but it started off as a couple of hours a day, and built up, and built up, until I wasn't living - I was existing in a bubble where every second of my life was for my ED and my compulsive, mechanical obsessions. I made excuses not to see people. I could not break the cycle. And I was as good as dead for over a year of my life until my family broke the bubble, pulled my head out of that quagmire, and since then I've seen the light. Though I am still knee-deep in that obsession, I struggle every day to trudge through it. At least KNOWING about it, I can finally fight it head-on.

    You need to nip it now, tell people about your issues. GP, confidants, parents; whoever. Just... make the voice heard. The ED is only going to grow, and it WILL hurt you. Nobody deserves that.
    • #100
    #100

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    Ate two chicken breasts and a huge portion of potato bake for tea, then realised I had a piece of chocolate cake for dessert. Purged the chicken and potatoes, ate the cake, then purged that too because I'm a ****ing failure. Now my heart is hurting and I feel like ****


    Just want this demon to leave me alone :'(
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    Sorry I haven't said much lately but things have been hectic. I just want you to know that you are all strong people and you will get through this. I always think about the people on here even if I don't have time to write. You're all incredible in your own ways, okay? One step at a time, folks. x

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    I've had an incredible freshers week -- so much better than last year. My friends are incredible. I have done things I never thought I'd do before. I've had drunken chips after a night out. It was my friend's 21st birthday and there was chocolate birthday cake. A few of my friends looked at me warily, knowing my past, but I happily accepted and enjoyed said cake. It's not someone's 21st every day, is it? I feel so relieved. I know I've been recovered for 2 years but I've never really gone over my maintenance intake before. I did on Friday and I didn't care! You CAN get better, fully better.


    Also, slightly worried about one of my friends. We've become really close and she's developing quite disordered thoughts and ways of eating. She'll binge then starve herself etc. It's so hard. She reminds me of myself from a few years back except that I may be able to help her. It's just sad when someone can't see how wonderful they really are x
    • #135
    #135

    Hi there,
    Recently I went on a trip for a month to a developing country. Whilst I was over there I became very ill, I couldn't keep any food down and was full after just a teaspoon or two of food. I couldn't even keep water down. I was constantly nauseous. I lost so much weight and hadn't even realised until I caught sight of myself in a mirror about 3 weeks into the trip. It scared me at first but I didn't want to admit this, and so I pushed the thought to the back of my mind, as everybody was losing weight, I just seemed to have lost the most. Everyday I would struggle through, trying my best to carry on. Until one night towards the end of the trip, during a meal in a restaurant, the combination of heat, nausea and a very rare steak on the plate next to me (yes, I am vegetarian) made me very sick and I had to rush to the bathroom in time. My friend chased after me, getting used to the routine of holding my hair back whilst I puked my guts out. One of the teachers who was with us shortly followed. She ushered my friend out and as I sat on the bathroom floor trying my best not to be sick again, continued to tell me that she knew I had an eating disorder. She told me that I was making myself sick and that if I were her daughter she would have me at a psychiatrist and a nutritionist and then proceeded to tell me I needed "professional help" Now, I tried to tell her I was fine, I had a sneaky suspicion my anti-malarial tablets were the cause, but she told me I was in denial. I was devastated. I couldn't believe she has just said that to me. Up until that moment, I thought everything was fine and healthy. But being told that I was a delusional, mentally unstable bulimic really shook me up. I began to think what if I was making myself sick without even knowing it. I was scared to eat food as I was afraid I would be sick again. And as I was being constantly watched and followed every time I went to the toilet, I felt that I had to be secretive. I felt like a toddler, constantly being watched so that they don't harm themselves. I felt like I couldn't be trusted and got pretty upset about the whole thing.

    Having returned, I went to the doctor and explained the situation, she weighed and measured me, and told me that I was no longer allowed to take that particular anti-malarial drug as I had a severe adverse reaction (also had water retention in my ankle because of it) to it, although she told me my BMI was .4 from being classed as underweight. That put me at ease, that I wasn't just being sick for the sake of it but the amount of weight I had actually lost shocked me. But there was still that thought in the back of my head that was screaming out BULIMIC.
    Two months on, I still have not gained my full appetite back, and I find my slimmer figure more attractive (don't get me wrong, I was a size 8 before I left, now a size 6) and the fact so many people have said complimentary things about my weight loss (I lost a stone and a half), so It got me thinking do I have an eating disorder and not even know it. I've always been particular about my food, seeing as I was a chubby child- I was bullied because of it. I've been a vegetarian for 6 years and so don't tend to have as big portions as I used to since I mainly eat vegetables (not a huge fan of quorn). I never eat breakfast, occasionally a small lunch and a large dinner. It got me thinking about the food I was consuming and how much weight I would gain if I ate certain types of food. I'm now absolutely paranoid about me possibly having and eating disorder! HELP!!
    • #136
    #136

    Hi all,

    I dont have an eating disorder, just hoing for some advice. Someone very dear to me has started to excessively diet and count calories etc (she doesnt like herself enough, so she doesnt care that her body cant run on 200 calories a day, like it sometimes has to). Whats the best way to help them? Theyre also depressed and has on/off anxiety... we're seeing a councillor together (I'm there to reassure her) but I think it'll take a long time before shes confident enough to talk about these issues.
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    I hate how much of an emotional eater I have become since the ED flared it's evil, evil head all those months ago.

    I'm sitting planning my wedding and I know I'll have 120 sets of eyes on me, so 240 eyes in total, when I make my big entrance. This has lead me to want to diet again, and it was going okay. Until tonight when me and the h2b argued, badly, and I've completely binged. Now tomorrow I'm going to hate myself (even more than I do now) and not eat.
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    (Original post by rubixcyoob)
    I hate how much of an emotional eater I have become since the ED flared it's evil, evil head all those months ago.

    I'm sitting planning my wedding and I know I'll have 120 sets of eyes on me, so 240 eyes in total, when I make my big entrance. This has lead me to want to diet again, and it was going okay. Until tonight when me and the h2b argued, badly, and I've completely binged. Now tomorrow I'm going to hate myself (even more than I do now) and not eat.

    I promise you - none of those eyes will give a second thought to your weight when you are walking down the isle. All they care about is your happiness and sharing one of the most important days of your life with you. Your weight does not matter - only your health. If you are healthy and happy - that's the absolute best you can have in life and it's not worth risking for something as temporary as weight.
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    I know it isn't, but I frek out at the thought of my back fat or something asburd being caught on someone camera. How sad is that?
 
 
 
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