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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    I have a future. I can't berate myself over every little thing.
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    i'm being pressured into going to the doctors but i feel like i've changed my mind and don't particularly want to go anymore. its at the point where i'm getting nagged everyday and i'm running out of excuses. i don't want to go because i don't want to be referred anywhere again and just don't want to talk about it, i just want to lose a bit of weight and i don't want anyone to get in the way. i also don't feel like its a priority or i have enough time.

    i also don't know what i'd tell them because i feel confused at where my head is, it sounds stupid i don't know whether i'm ill or not. i doubt i'd tell them anything to be honest because i just don't have the time.

    i'm in such a dilemma i don't know what i should do
    Go - it will make life so much easier further down the line. Don't become a shell to the ED - that's not who you are. You can fight this!

    ---

    Spoke to my Mu last night and briefly touched on EDs and she said how glad she was that I was better. Didn't really realise how much of an effect it had been having on her until then.
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    (Original post by Aemiliana)
    Go - it will make life so much easier further down the line. Don't become a shell to the ED - that's not who you are. You can fight this!

    ---

    Spoke to my Mu last night and briefly touched on EDs and she said how glad she was that I was better. Didn't really realise how much of an effect it had been having on her until then.
    :/ i feel like i'll be sitting in silence. plus my mum doesn't understand it at all so we avoid the subject its only come up a few times - once when i said i wasn't going on holiday because of the meals but thats about it, neither her or my dad know what to say to me and i refuse to talk about it anyway.

    i want to get better but i'm not ready to gain weight and i want to keep believing i can do it on my own once i'm completely ready
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    sorry i know its like talking to a brick wall but i know that a part of me wants to go ...
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    sorry i know its like talking to a brick wall but i know that a part of me wants to go ...
    :hugs: Then let the part that wants to go, to win?
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    :/ i feel like i'll be sitting in silence. plus my mum doesn't understand it at all so we avoid the subject its only come up a few times - once when i said i wasn't going on holiday because of the meals but thats about it, neither her or my dad know what to say to me and i refuse to talk about it anyway.

    i want to get better but i'm not ready to gain weight and i want to keep believing i can do it on my own once i'm completely ready
    Write it down and hand it to the GP.

    You'll never be completely ready to gain weight - there will always be a part of you fighting it quite far into recovery, but the further along you go, the smaller and quieter that part gets until it goes.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    :hugs: Then let the part that wants to go, to win?
    yeah i think i'm going to go, they can't force me to do anything i'll just try and go with an open mind - probably not tomorrow but soon!

    (Original post by Aemiliana)
    Write it down and hand it to the GP.

    You'll never be completely ready to gain weight - there will always be a part of you fighting it quite far into recovery, but the further along you go, the smaller and quieter that part gets until it goes.
    yeah thats a good idea then i can't go in and clamp up change my mind and decide not to tell them anything, ill just see what they say guess it can't hurt
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    yeah i think i'm going to go, they can't force me to do anything i'll just try and go with an open mind - probably not tomorrow but soon!



    yeah thats a good idea then i can't go in and clamp up change my mind and decide not to tell them anything, ill just see what they say guess it can't hurt
    If you can't bring yourself to say it, write it down. If our fave dunkable confection can fight the horrid little voice in her head, than you can too!
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    If you can't bring yourself to say it, write it down. If our fave dunkable confection can fight the horrid little voice in her head, than you can too!
    lol! thankyou , i think i'll write down my thoughts over the next couple of weeks because there up and down all the time, and it'll give a more fair idea of where i am. then once my exams are finished i no longer have the excuse of time and i'll make it my priority
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    I've been reading this thread for a while now and I just want to say how much I admire you all and it brings a tear to my eye reading about how strong you all are!

    I think it all kicked in 2 or 3 years ago, my mother never had the healthiest relationship with food, I've never known her not be on a diet, I've never been allowed sugar in my tea because "do you want to get fat?", little things like that. And one day it just kind of clicked, if I could eat it, surely I could throw it up again? And then I would be something worthwhile, something I could be proud of. And I think it developed from there, so from throwing up everything I ate, I progressed to fasting for a week or so, then going back to my "normal" diet, which was vegan and probably quite restricted in most people's eyes, but seemed like an unnecessarily huge amount to me. So I'd eat that and throw it up for a couple of weeks, then go back to fasting and exercising. I don't really know how you would "classify" that, but after a slightly related episode involving a prescription for anti-depressants and an overdose, I was finally referred to a therapist who decided I had body dysmorphia and EDNOS, although I was never really sure how a therapist came to that well-informed conclusion. I wasn't offered any sort of specialist ED diagnosis or support, and I certainly wasn't going to ask for it, so that was left where it was. After my overdose I wasn't allowed (by my GP) to have another prescription because I wasn't deemed safe enough and I just stopped seeing my therapist (I do a very good disappearing off the face of the earth trick) because I thought she was useless and continued spiralling down. She probably wasn't but I didn't want the help.

    My parents obviously knew what was going on. My father never spoke about it with me, and my mother didn't seem too bothered. Every couple of weeks we would have a conversation along the lines of "if you get down to 7.5 stone I'm having you hospitalised", which I obviously took as a challenge, and then a fortnight later the weight limit would drop by a few pounds and the cycle continued until she stopped taking any interest. I was just left to get on with it. (I also have some other very unhealthy relationships in my life which I probably need to kick if I'm going to sort this out but I like the gratification and I like to be wanted, don't we all?)

    A few months ago I was hospitalised for something totally unrelated and required a blood transfusion of around half my blood - following this I was told I needed to start eating meat again to get my iron levels back to normal. I was and am still in the midst of a cancer scare due to this whole episode which I think snapped me out of it, it took away my crutch of my vegan diet, which has been oh so useful to me over the years in wriggling out of eating.

    This has been an incredibly long post and I feel a bit better about it having got it off my chest, but I'll finally come to the point. I have recently reverted to my "vegan diet", drinking only green tea and the cycle of water fasts/purging. My mother said to me "I've got fat. It's because you once told me I had an unhealthy relationship with food and now I'm fat and I hate it. Once you've left home I will go back to being thing because I prefer it?" She's not fat, she's a size 12. I don't know if she was trying to help in her strange way but that really stuck with me and it's messing with my head. And I am absolutely terrified of falling back into this again. My mood is also spiralling down and I'm reverting to my uncontrollable swings. I've dug out my little box of "inspirational quotes". I'm starting university in September and I want to be well and healthy, physically and mentally, when I go. but I don't think I can be. I'm sorry this has been so long! I think reading it to myself has been a fantastic exercise in itself...
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    If you can't bring yourself to say it, write it down. If our fave dunkable confection can fight the horrid little voice in her head, than you can too!

    I do love her/the dunkable confections in general!
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    :/ i feel like i'll be sitting in silence. plus my mum doesn't understand it at all so we avoid the subject its only come up a few times - once when i said i wasn't going on holiday because of the meals but thats about it, neither her or my dad know what to say to me and i refuse to talk about it anyway.

    i want to get better but i'm not ready to gain weight and i want to keep believing i can do it on my own once i'm completely ready
    I hate to say this, but you can't let this thing linger. When you say, "i want to get better but i'm not ready to gain weight and i want to keep believing i can do it on my own once i'm completely ready" you've actually got to do it now because if you don't that will simply carry on being the line you tell yourself, "I'll do it later." The fact is it is never going to be easy but grabbing the bull by the horns now will be easier than further down the line. Actually, let me rephrase, it will be less difficult.

    I know I might not be saying the most supportive of things now, it's just I began like you saying those lines, "I won't vomit today" becoming "I won't vomit tomorrow" just so many times...
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    I hate to say this, but you can't let this thing linger. When you say, "i want to get better but i'm not ready to gain weight and i want to keep believing i can do it on my own once i'm completely ready" you've actually got to do it now because if you don't that will simply carry on being the line you tell yourself, "I'll do it later." The fact is it is never going to be easy but grabbing the bull by the horns now will be easier than further down the line. Actually, let me rephrase, it will be less difficult.

    I know I might not be saying the most supportive of things now, it's just I began like you saying those lines, "I won't vomit today" becoming "I won't vomit tomorrow" just so many times...
    hate to admit it but your right, i know you are and so are the people saying that i should go to the doctors, but i've been putting it off since about feb or march - a while, and its just made the thought of going back worse.

    just wish i didn't have to waste so much time on this stupid problem
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    hate to admit it but your right, i know you are and so are the people saying that i should go to the doctors, but i've been putting it off since about feb or march - a while, and its just made the thought of going back worse.

    just wish i didn't have to waste so much time on this stupid problem
    At the end of the day, not to be blunt but the time thing is just an excuse. Truth is, if you get this sorted out, you are saving yourself a LOT of time in the long term. Think of all the relapses you'll have if you ever try to do it on your own; think of all the days when you'll feel so weak you won't actually be capable of doing anything productive anyway; think of potential future hospitalisations, which are a serious waste of time!

    It's not a stupid problem at all. The way my best friend put it to me was: it's like a broken leg. If you try to be some kind of superhuman, pretend it's just a sprain and carry on walking on the broken leg because you 'don't have time' or 'don't want to' go to a doctor, then the break will get worse and you will, eventually, need surgery which will be more painful and take much, much longer. If, on the other hand, you buckle down and go to the doctor now, they can fix the break more easily and maybe you'll get to the point where you forget you ever broke it :rolleyes:

    All very hypocritical of me to repeat because I have to admit, I discharged myself from hospital and stopped turning up for therapy :ashamed2: but please go, and stick at it. The writing-stuff-down is definitely a good idea as it can seem so easy just to clam up!
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    Take a moment when you are feeling strong. Arrange a time now in fact, say, 10 am tomorrow. Arrange with yourself to make that appointment.

    So, 10am tomorrow, you are going make an appointment with your doctor. No excuses, 10 am. If you take a couple o' minutes, fine, but you now have an appointment with yourself.

    Setting something precise tends to concentrate the brain into DOING something.

    (10 am was an example, but do something similar most certainly. In fact setting the 10 am time would be GOOD but I don't want to push things on you...)
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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    At the end of the day, not to be blunt but the time thing is just an excuse. Truth is, if you get this sorted out, you are saving yourself a LOT of time in the long term. Think of all the relapses you'll have if you ever try to do it on your own; think of all the days when you'll feel so weak you won't actually be capable of doing anything productive anyway; think of potential future hospitalisations, which are a serious waste of time!

    It's not a stupid problem at all. The way my best friend put it to me was: it's like a broken leg. If you try to be some kind of superhuman, pretend it's just a sprain and carry on walking on the broken leg because you 'don't have time' or 'don't want to' go to a doctor, then the break will get worse and you will, eventually, need surgery which will be more painful and take much, much longer. If, on the other hand, you buckle down and go to the doctor now, they can fix the break more easily and maybe you'll get to the point where you forget you ever broke it :rolleyes:

    All very hypocritical of me to repeat because I have to admit, I discharged myself from hospital and stopped turning up for therapy :ashamed2: but please go, and stick at it. The writing-stuff-down is definitely a good idea as it can seem so easy just to clam up!
    i know i stopped turning up for therapy to and started ignoring all calls from unknown numbers because i knew it was them, but i know i should go to the doctor and the longer i put it off the longer i'll suffer and it really can't do me any harm.
    (Original post by Antiaris)
    Take a moment when you are feeling strong. Arrange a time now in fact, say, 10 am tomorrow. Arrange with yourself to make that appointment.

    So, 10am tomorrow, you are going make an appointment with your doctor. No excuses, 10 am. If you take a couple o' minutes, fine, but you now have an appointment with yourself.

    Setting something precise tends to concentrate the brain into DOING something.

    (10 am was an example, but do something similar most certainly. In fact setting the 10 am time would be GOOD but I don't want to push things on you...)
    lol i'll try, hopefully tomorrow night i'll be able to come on here saying i went to the doctors, i actually do need a kick up the arse, and a really really hard one at that!!!
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    (Original post by Aemiliana)
    Write it down and hand it to the GP.

    You'll never be completely ready to gain weight - there will always be a part of you fighting it quite far into recovery, but the further along you go, the smaller and quieter that part gets until it goes.
    When I first went to the doctor I wrote them a letter out because I knew I wouldn't have been able to word it properly otherwise plus I would be a blubbering mess and would freeze up.

    Speaking of I went to the doctors today for a repeat prescription and I've now booked my blood test for next Monday and will be seeing my doctor again soon about specialist ED therapists so hopefully this will be a new better life for me... I don't have anything to lose really.
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    (Original post by Linweth)
    When I first went to the doctor I wrote them a letter out because I knew I wouldn't have been able to word it properly otherwise plus I would be a blubbering mess and would freeze up.
    EXACTLY what I did. It really, reeeally made a difference.
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    Custard and Toto, how are you guys doing today??
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    (Original post by souldoubt)
    EXACTLY what I did. It really, reeeally made a difference.
    I might try that next time I see my psych.
    When I was diagnosed I was so deep in denial I couldn't even say the word anorexic. I had no idea how I was feeling, I was just happy I wasn't suicidal! :rolleyes:
 
 
 
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