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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    Hi guys,
    This is my first time posting here and the first time in some months I've been on TSR. I'm in a bit of a mess right now. I wonder if I don't know, somebody who's been here could give me some insight? I feel so lost. I'm not going to give my whole life history because these last few days I feel like I've been raking over everything again and again. I have had eating problems for about 10 years now (I'm nearly 21) and an insidious if not life threatening eating disorder for most of that time. Sometimes I am better and sometimes I am worse but right now I think I am the worst I have ever been. I am certainly the worst in terms of weight and even though in my head I feel ok and fine, I think that might be my illness talking and not rationality. I have never been properly assessed for, never mind treated for my eating disorder even though I am known to services because of my depression/anxiety. That is I had never been assessed until I went to an Eating Disorder Outpatient place in london last week. They weighed me and I was asked lots of questions and then they were going to tell me about the possibility of treatment. That was when I had one of the biggest shocks of my life. Because I do not consider myself to be that unwell and because I do not think that I am that thin I had expected to be put on a long waiting list for outpatient. Instead I have been told they are applying for an inpatient bed immediately. I am being reweighed this week and the week after and the only way to avoid IP is for me to stabilise and then gain weight by then.

    This does not seem like the normal course of action to me, I thought IP was supposed to be a last resort? But I have never had ANY treatment and I have no medical complications and I am quite sane in the fact that I am able to function to an extent and I am not actively suicidal although I have been in the past. Yes, they have told me that I have 'severe anorexia' but I am only 'severe' by one measly pound. If I gain one pound then I am out of the arbitrarily assigned BMI danger zone. What's so special about below 15? I am just really really baffled and confused. If I end up going to IP then I'd end up with all of these actually sick people on heart monitors and the like and having set meals and bed rest. They'd wonder why the hell I am there, and so would I, and so would the doctors. I can and do eat. Anything my mother gives me I eat in order not to worry her. These last few days I've been stuffing my face with junk in order to try and gain (4000 calories on the day after the assessment), so this proves that I'm alright and IP isn’t needed doesn't it? I don't really know what to do; if they overreact in this way then I'm regretting ever agreeing to treatment. I'm still ages away from what I would consider sick or an actual proper Ana
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    Violet, from your attitude, psychological and physical information (including a truly shocking BMI), I would say in-patient is NOT a step too far.

    I was classed as having about a month to live at my worst point - my Liver and Kidneys failed at about BMI 15. So being below that is terrifying. Moreover if you've had disordered eating mentality for over ten years now I'm sure they want to truly attack this with all they have.

    Many professionals say that the average time to fully recover as much as an anorexic TRULY can is around six years. But my therapist said it's actually more accurate to regard someone as having the same recovery time and cycle as the length of time spent developing their disorder. For me it was over two years, and as such she said it'd be at least two years before I met the latter stages of recovery. This turned out to be nail-on-head.

    Now I'm not saying you'll be thirty before you kill off Mister ED, but if you've endured disorders since then, their actions are justified.

    Oh, and, gorging on calories is not "proving the Ana wrong". It's merely attacking one ED with another.

    Please listen to the medical professionals; they know what they're on about. XX
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Girls in halls are on the whole *****es - I say that having lived in halls twice and only now in my third (technically fourth) year of uni living with people I like. Just do your best to ignore their little comments; what they choose to do with their bodies is their choice, what they choose to say has no bearing on you.

    Or alternatively, you could take the one you trust the most aside and explain that you have an ED and comments like that make you very ill. It depends on whether you think they'll be understanding or not.

    Just don't change your behaviour negatively to fit in with them. It's not worth it. It's tempting but not worth it at all. x
    the problem is, I don't look like i restrict, count calories, have dropped nearly a stone in 8 weeks, that the last time i was truly rediculously ill, had i been dragged to the doctors, i would have said yes to all but 2 of the diagnostic criteria for AN. I eat, and i can eat quite happily. Basically, the problem is, I'm fat, and the voice in my head doesnt match the ED that society associates with fat people.
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    Hi there


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    Anybody on wants to chat?


    This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App
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    (Original post by jewels1969)
    Anybody on wants to chat?


    This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App
    Sup?


    Slept through my appointment this morning (genuinely accidently) :o:
    • #48
    #48

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    the problem is, I don't look like i restrict, count calories, have dropped nearly a stone in 8 weeks, that the last time i was truly rediculously ill, had i been dragged to the doctors, i would have said yes to all but 2 of the diagnostic criteria for AN. I eat, and i can eat quite happily. Basically, the problem is, I'm fat, and the voice in my head doesnt match the ED that society associates with fat people.
    :dontknow: Size doesn't matter with an ED though. If you can answer all but two of the AN diagnosis questions with a yes (and it sounds like the other two would be based on your current size, or perception of it) then you have a problem :/
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    Hey guys, sorry for jumping in and out of the thread.
    I've been reluctant to post because things have been (well, still are) sucky. Thanks to my dad hounding the ED services (even though I told him not to), I've finally got an appointment for tomorrow after months of waiting. Even though I should be used to assessments by now, I'm still nervous. I still don't feel ill enough because my restriction isn't correlating with my weight and I feel like nobody is going to take me seriously.

    Have any of you guys heard of Gwyneth Olwyn's website? I followed her on calorie count and she has an ED recovery website and though a lot of the things she says makes sense, I just... can't believe it.
    • #112
    #112

    Hi Everyone,

    I havent posted on here in a while as i have just started university and i have been very busy!
    I've been here for 2 weeks now and i havent b/p at all, i havent even had the urge to! I think this is mainly because i'm living with people who dont know i have an eating disorder and it has acted as a deterrent to stop me from my maladaptive behaviour regarding b/p. However, my restriction is getting increasingly worse. I believe i have dropped around half a stone in this short time (I havent brought any scales to university as i didnt want to know my weight, as it triggers bad behaviors) But i was worried about my restriction so weighed myself on someone elses scales. I dont understand, i think it may be the stress of a new environment that has caused my restriction, feeling a like a cant do the course and the general feeling of inadequacy around others. I took a year or so out of education to enter IP Treatment, so trying to get back into 'education' mode. I'm putting too much pressure on myself to be perfect at my modules, but im scared to tell members of staff that im struggling incase they think i cant do it. I also, strangely, dont feel ill at all. But i am far too aware of the mentality of 'blocking' it all out. I'm abit scared of slippery slope. When i do eat, im not hungry but i force myself to. I dont know what's wrong with me, just as everything has started to go right, the ED comes back to haunt me
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    I know how you feel, when you say that you don't want to tell your teachers due to them thinking you can't cope with the load, That's what could be the set off to your ED always having to control everything? Maybe, I don't know, just asking, as for me I'm in a new relationship and it scares the hell out of me, after being on my own for so long, I just got use to it and excepted the fact, then this guy crept into my life, at first it was cool to have some one to hang out with in the weekends, but now 3 months latter.. We still together hanging out and people are looking at us as a couple. But I don't wont that, yes I do like him and I like spending time with him, but I can't control my feelings for him, they are getting a lot stronger, so I push him aside see less of him, hate myself so much for doing so, but rather that then go threw all the bull**** again, and my ED is back stronger then ever, I hardly eat at all now, three weeks ago I was 59kgs and now I'm 54 kgs I won't stop till I'm 48 or 49 my ideal weight would be 50 but just go under that way ill won't go over that weight, so I can have that extra slice of pizza. I have just worked out that if I can't control something happening in my life, then I focus on my eating habits :-(


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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Violet, from your attitude, psychological and physical information (including a truly shocking BMI), I would say in-patient is NOT a step too far.

    I was classed as having about a month to live at my worst point - my Liver and Kidneys failed at about BMI 15. So being below that is terrifying. Moreover if you've had disordered eating mentality for over ten years now I'm sure they want to truly attack this with all they have.

    Many professionals say that the average time to fully recover as much as an anorexic TRULY can is around six years. But my therapist said it's actually more accurate to regard someone as having the same recovery time and cycle as the length of time spent developing their disorder. For me it was over two years, and as such she said it'd be at least two years before I met the latter stages of recovery. This turned out to be nail-on-head.

    Now I'm not saying you'll be thirty before you kill off Mister ED, but if you've endured disorders since then, their actions are justified.

    Oh, and, gorging on calories is not "proving the Ana wrong". It's merely attacking one ED with another.

    Please listen to the medical professionals; they know what they're on about. XX

    Thank you for your honest reply. I suppose part of being 'disordered' is not being able to think rationally about these things. I certainly don't feel that unwell, nor do I think I look that underweight but there you go. Also at this weight everyone is talking about organ failure but mine keep coming back fine as do my bloods. Other than feeling generally tired/ achy and the fainting and the low vitamin D I'm medically fine. You're right binging did nothing other than make me feel sick and then I've gone back to even more extreme restriction. I'm trying to follow their meal plan today, already ticked off breakfast and now planning lunch. I really really don't want to go IP and I still think I don't need it, but I guess it all depends if I can gain or not...:rolleyes: I've got around 2 days to keep myself stable/gain. *fingers crossed*
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    Fingers crossed indeed.

    I would like to say - because it's appropriate being World Mental Health day - that if you are suffering from a Mental Disorder, be it Eating-related, Anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive or otherwise; there is no such thing as "not really ill" or "not ill enough". If this is something that is causing impact on your day to day life, in a negative way, then it is an illness. If it infringes on your daily thoughts and routines - it is a true mental disorder.

    Please continue to post whether anonymous or otherwise; and all my love to you all.
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    PRSOM Toto!


    Spoiler:
    Show

    A week binge free. Feels really weird that despite these being real splurges that I hate and really don't need being way out of underweight territory, I feel and am told I'm much healthier and stronger now than I was beforehand


    I'm finding it impossible to understand how much the way I'm viewed by others contrasts with how I see myself. For example, this is going to sound so sad: here's me assuming I'm going to bore or be pitied by every girl I see so keeping my mouth shut, still coming home shy and awkward to a very worried mum. Then, out of the blue I've started getting closer to someone in a couple of weeks; here's me being asked out to lunch today and randomly having others come up to me and talk, somehow managing to come out with confidence. And wow, they're laughing. I always saw myself as the guy who either makes you groan and get grumpy or the class clown you mock but no, they are laughing with me. Sharing the joy and connection. It's exhilarating.
    It's like take away the illness, there's something amazing. You're just being robbed of that by your illness.

    All the same I'm scared and it still feels so unnatural. I'm used to keeping my distance because if they find out, it could hurt. I don't want to mess with their feelings. At the same time I don't want to deny mine because I have so many times in the past.

    Why's everything so complicated when it comes to people?
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Hey guys, sorry for jumping in and out of the thread.
    I've been reluctant to post because things have been (well, still are) sucky. Thanks to my dad hounding the ED services (even though I told him not to), I've finally got an appointment for tomorrow after months of waiting. Even though I should be used to assessments by now, I'm still nervous. I still don't feel ill enough because my restriction isn't correlating with my weight and I feel like nobody is going to take me seriously.

    Have any of you guys heard of Gwyneth Olwyn's website? I followed her on calorie count and she has an ED recovery website and though a lot of the things she says makes sense, I just... can't believe it.
    :hugs: Not much I can offer you of help right now DD, just hope that your appointment goes well. Be as honest with them as you can, you've the right to say how you truly feel. What difference does the weight make; you can't quantify and put a threshold on feelings!

    Haven't heard of Gwyneth's site but probably won't get to check it out for a while, in all honesty. It's not so much triggering as I want this to be in the past and look ahead, see who I am and my world, not what I am. She probably makes some good points though about recovery. Every site or link of its kind I've been on has given me something I truly thought was impossible, but turned out to be pretty possible. Have faith. x
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    I hate it when you know you've eaten too much and everyone just brushes it off as you being irrational over it when you actually have eaten way too much for a normal 19 YO girl. Getting so frustrated at the moment.

    Eurgh sod it, reasonable diet starts tomorrow
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    (Original post by Riku)
    It's like take away the illness, there's something amazing. You're just being robbed of that by your illness.

    All the same I'm scared and it still feels so unnatural. I'm used to keeping my distance because if they find out, it could hurt. I don't want to mess with their feelings. At the same time I don't want to deny mine because I have so many times in the past.

    Why's everything so complicated when it comes to people?
    Well done Riku! You'll find that if people do find out, it doesn't change anything. In fact, they become more understanding and thoughtful. If they're truly your friends it won't change a thing and they will stand by you. Honestly, I used to be scared and whatever, but once I told my friends...wow. The love was overwhelming. I couldn't hide the fact that I was ill so I had to come clean but they were just incredible. Don't feel like you're messing with their feelings because you're not. You're just scared and it's understandable. Just enjoy it. You deserve this x
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    (Original post by Violet_apple)
    Thank you for your honest reply. I suppose part of being 'disordered' is not being able to think rationally about these things. I certainly don't feel that unwell, nor do I think I look that underweight but there you go. Also at this weight everyone is talking about organ failure but mine keep coming back fine as do my bloods. Other than feeling generally tired/ achy and the fainting and the low vitamin D I'm medically fine. You're right binging did nothing other than make me feel sick and then I've gone back to even more extreme restriction. I'm trying to follow their meal plan today, already ticked off breakfast and now planning lunch. I really really don't want to go IP and I still think I don't need it, but I guess it all depends if I can gain or not...:rolleyes: I've got around 2 days to keep myself stable/gain. *fingers crossed*
    This is definitely right. When I was at my worst, I felt like I was strong enough to climb Mt Everest, although if I even tried to climb up a couple of flights of stairs I would have just passed out. That's the thing about an ED, it just tricks you. The mind is a powerful thing...arguably more powerful when it's ill. Well done on doing the meal plan hope it goes well. Being an IP is not fun! x
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    This whole 'maybe pregnant' thing is actually kind of relieving. Throwing all caution to the wind. I already used to but if I'd had junk one day, I'd just eat clean the next day and sort of balance it out without denying myself anything (like a 'normal' person, lol). Now I'm just going for it. I have a never-ending pit! I must say, it does make me feel like I love myself because...wow, something is growing inside me. I am recovered. I can have a baby. And someone loves me enough to be supporting me through this, whatever the test says and whatever we decide to do afterwards.

    I just never thought I would get to this point. I never thought my body would ever be okay enough to support something else inside it. A couple of years ago, if I got any sign of pregnancy, I would just laugh and shrug it off saying 'my body hasn't recovered yet, I probably can't ever have kids because of the damage'. Now we're all seriously thinking it could be possible. I can't even explain how insane that feels! x
    • #43
    #43

    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Well done Riku! You'll find that if people do find out, it doesn't change anything. In fact, they become more understanding and thoughtful. If they're truly your friends it won't change a thing and they will stand by you. Honestly, I used to be scared and whatever, but once I told my friends...wow. The love was overwhelming. I couldn't hide the fact that I was ill so I had to come clean but they were just incredible. Don't feel like you're messing with their feelings because you're not. You're just scared and it's understandable. Just enjoy it. You deserve this x
    Thanks, Jazzy. Most of my friends understand and have supported me the whole way through recovery. It's this girl I'm seeing, it hasn't been long. I don't want to put her in an impossible situation.
    Spoiler:
    Show

    I think she is a foodie : / this is gonna be fun. There's a free food stall on campus and she's saying come with her, but aargh I'm scared, I already ate out with her yesterday! I did a little sleep-mood-behaviour experiment which has gone exactly as I predicted but feel awful from it now so it really wasn't the best day fml


    So much about the baby! You deserve this, the chance to have your own family. :hugs:
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