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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. Watch

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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    I might try that next time I see my psych.
    When I was diagnosed I was so deep in denial I couldn't even say the word anorexic. I had no idea how I was feeling, I was just happy I wasn't suicidal! :rolleyes:
    I'd definitely recommend it - it eased a lot of my nerves and got the conversation going :yep: :hugs:
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    I've just eaten a microwave meal, the largest thing I've eaten in ages.
    It was horrible, but I persevered...

    getting there :woo:
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    The idea of writing a letter is a great one! I agree that could be an amazing technique for those of you who aren't quite ready to talk face-to-face but need to take the first step. In fact, writing a letter that you don't even intend to give to someone is a great first step. I did this way back at the start and kept it, and look at it even now. It's a fantastic marker of how far I've come since then. Knowing you've made the progress you have really changes how you combat your illness.

    Souldoubt - well done. I really mean it, well done sweetpea! This is brilliant. You're not just feeding your body again, but you're HEALING it. Think about how damaged your body is, and how much needs to be repaired. It always perplexes me at people that talk about recovery yet still lie to everyone including themselves; much like hiring a mechanic but telling him to bring no tools. You like the THOUGHT of the repairs, and have the mechanic show face (so you and everyone around you thinks you're taking the action) but ultimately, the repairs can't get done.

    As for my own recovery - it's varied these past few days to be frank. As unhealthy as it is I've found myself more reliant on having a couple of beers to allow myself to eat; stepped onto the scales and saw the number'd went above 7 stone, my new "routine" dropped me to 97lb again, but I'm seeing my therapist as a matter of urgency to nip this in the bud and get me back on track before I drop another couple of pounds...
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    New thread!

    Toto come join me and keep me company!
    ________________

    I ASKED for an increase FURTHER than what was planned (they wanted to take me up to ~1100 - I pushed for an increase up to ~1800... very very difficult feelings to deal with right there).

    (written before increase) -
    I am finding myself dreading the thought of eating. Putting food in my mouth and swallowing makes me feel like crap, utter crap. Before I came I was dreading the thought of dealing with the KEEPING of the food. That's ok now - not too much of a problem. I'm dreading the thought of actually EATING it - that's the real problem now. I am panicking irrationally over eating. Monday morning - over 2 weetabix and 100ml semi-skim milk (so 180 calories...) I panicked and swore and cried and sobbed and hyperventilated and threatened to throw the f****** milk against the f****** wall and yelled that I didn't want to f****** eat, etc etc. That was completely my ED talking. (the rest of the time I am polite and say please and thank you, and make conversation with the nurses when they talk to me, and am generally compliant). It was totally irrational but it was PURE panic.

    I'm eating a lot more slowly than is usual for me. I am overseasoning my food and eating in a very ritualistic way, pulling everything apart and eating everything seperately.

    I see a lot of places where my MP could be reduced without actually changing it much (less spread, thinner bread, skim instead of semi milk, etc) and it makes me resentful that I'm having to have these 'extras'.

    I am genuinely starting to BELIEVE that the MP I am on is a normal/large amount for a regular person. Logically I 'know' this is not true but I am genuinely starting to believe this.

    It is getting HARDER to complete my current MP instead of easier as time goes by. I think this is because my anorexia is getting stronger and being fuelled by my current meal plan.

    I cried like a BABY through my tea - there was SO MUCH FLORA in the sandwich, it was the predominant taste (and i dislike flora...). But I did it.
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    Custard, mega respect to you right now. Most people are tickling their beasts with a feather duster and you're in there with a flamethrower!

    The most amazing thing is you WANT to get better. You're making the moves. So many people are all mouth, no trousers. But understanding the disease and acting upon it properly is so tough to do that you deserve mega hugs. EVERYONE GIVE CUSTARD MEGA PRIDE HUGS! XXX
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    Hell yeah! Well done custard. :hugs: You're very awesome.


    I decided I was going to bite the bullet and eat more today. I've been cutting back recently because of exam stress but today I thought "NO. I deserve to do well in these exams and the only way I'm going to do that (other than revision) is to eat more!".

    So I go into the shop, and they've COMPLETELY ran out of the cereal bars I feel comfortable eating, and have none other that I like. :sad: I fear that moment of bravery has gone... darn people eating my safe foods! :shakecane:
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    (Original post by briesandwich)
    Hell yeah! Well done custard. :hugs: You're very awesome.


    I decided I was going to bite the bullet and eat more today. I've been cutting back recently because of exam stress but today I thought "NO. I deserve to do well in these exams and the only way I'm going to do that (other than revision) is to eat more!".

    So I go into the shop, and they've COMPLETELY ran out of the cereal bars I feel comfortable eating, and have none other that I like. :sad: I fear that moment of bravery has gone... darn people eating my safe foods! :shakecane:
    Brie :hugs: Custard, you're doing awesome.
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    (Original post by briesandwich)
    Hell yeah! Well done custard. :hugs: You're very awesome.


    I decided I was going to bite the bullet and eat more today. I've been cutting back recently because of exam stress but today I thought "NO. I deserve to do well in these exams and the only way I'm going to do that (other than revision) is to eat more!".

    So I go into the shop, and they've COMPLETELY ran out of the cereal bars I feel comfortable eating, and have none other that I like. :sad: I fear that moment of bravery has gone... darn people eating my safe foods! :shakecane:
    :hugs: I hate it when that happens! I'm trying to eat more too, I can't concentrate on revision when I'm hungry and I have my exam on Monday and the hardest exam I NEED my brain to work for on Wednesday and then I need extra energy for Thursday. I had two mocks yesterday and I did them on an empty stomach and my energy levels were just ridiculous. Exams are such a hard slog for everyone in general, we can't make them even harder for ourselves. :hugs:

    Custard.... I'm in awe of you, you amazing amazing person! You're brilliant!
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    Well done custard! That's amazing :hearts:



    I wish I was a strong as that, I'm so sick of Myself and my bubble at the moment. I'm feeling every health affect more than I ever have and just feel confused and lonely because I feel like I'm failng everyday and I'm trapped, if it's not wanting to feel famished it's wanting to purge to get myself feeling empty and I'm stuck in the house having to revise, stuck bymyself.
    That's what I hate moat about this, I just feel trapped within myself & I don't know how to get out.

    Hope Everyones doing well though
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    Thanks you guys <333

    I feel horrible. First full day of new MP. I got *******ed this morning for not practically licking my foil of butter clean and running my finger around the inside of the marmalade pot. No f***ing 'well done' for forcing the sodding toast down my heaving throat as well as the damn f***ing weetabix, just a *******ing.

    I realised people have been giving me a lot less 'personal space'. I know I'm on 24hr obs but now people are following me into the f***ing toilet and STARING instead of observing through a crack in the door. They also move their chair closer to me when I am EATING which drives me INSANE, I HATE it. But then I got a copy of my new care plan about 45 mins ago and it's been SPECIFIED I am to have NO privacy WHATSOEVER. And I don't even know WHY. I have complied 100% with everything and I have been totally honest and upfront. It's not FAIR and it makes me feel disrespected and like I'm being punished for something I HAVEN'T EVEN DONE .

    And I have some chemistry I need to do and I need my dongle to do it and now I'm not ALLOWED my ****ing dongle during the day time. FFS.

    And tomorrow I get f***ing WEIGHED *sobs*
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    Thanks you guys <333

    I feel horrible. First full day of new MP. I got *******ed this morning for not practically licking my foil of butter clean and running my finger around the inside of the marmalade pot. No f***ing 'well done' for forcing the sodding toast down my heaving throat as well as the damn f***ing weetabix, just a *******ing.

    I realised people have been giving me a lot less 'personal space'. I know I'm on 24hr obs but now people are following me into the f***ing toilet and STARING instead of observing through a crack in the door. They also move their chair closer to me when I am EATING which drives me INSANE, I HATE it. But then I got a copy of my new care plan about 45 mins ago and it's been SPECIFIED I am to have NO privacy WHATSOEVER. And I don't even know WHY. I have complied 100% with everything and I have been totally honest and upfront. It's not FAIR and it makes me feel disrespected and like I'm being punished for something I HAVEN'T EVEN DONE .

    And I have some chemistry I need to do and I need my dongle to do it and now I'm not ALLOWED my ****ing dongle during the day time. FFS.

    And tomorrow I get f***ing WEIGHED *sobs*
    -GLOMPS-. Do they know that the lack of privacy is driving you bonkers/ you'd quite like to be able to have a piss in peace? That's harsh on the butter/ jam thing, considering that isn't something I'd personally do - although i'm probs not the best person to ask as to what is normal breakfastwisey.
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    I haven't thrown up for about 3 weeks now mostly due to exams and worries that throwing up everyday was causing health problems. I keep feeling like going back now that I seem to have put weight on...horrible. My health is more important than my weight and I tell myself that, just hope that I don't go back.
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    Thanks you guys <333

    I feel horrible. First full day of new MP. I got *******ed this morning for not practically licking my foil of butter clean and running my finger around the inside of the marmalade pot. No f***ing 'well done' for forcing the sodding toast down my heaving throat as well as the damn f***ing weetabix, just a *******ing.

    I realised people have been giving me a lot less 'personal space'. I know I'm on 24hr obs but now people are following me into the f***ing toilet and STARING instead of observing through a crack in the door. They also move their chair closer to me when I am EATING which drives me INSANE, I HATE it. But then I got a copy of my new care plan about 45 mins ago and it's been SPECIFIED I am to have NO privacy WHATSOEVER. And I don't even know WHY. I have complied 100% with everything and I have been totally honest and upfront. It's not FAIR and it makes me feel disrespected and like I'm being punished for something I HAVEN'T EVEN DONE .

    And I have some chemistry I need to do and I need my dongle to do it and now I'm not ALLOWED my ****ing dongle during the day time. FFS.

    And tomorrow I get f***ing WEIGHED *sobs*
    Aww hun the lack of privacy thing sucks big time!!.Can you ask someone why, even though you have complied with everything, they have decided to invade your personal space?.I dont think its either right or fair of them to do that.
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    hugs custard cream!!!!!!!!! youre amazing for trying to get better and succeeding


    triggerish so please dont your read but
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    why is it when i wake up im waking up the a cupboard full of foods my mum knows I EAT PERSONALLY . all im thinking is this is why im the fat ***** i am they love me enough to be concerned i get it and want me to eat i get it and i have just eaten some nutella chicken mushrooms and feel like **** cos ive overeaten again damn but seriously why do they do that? then asking me what time i woken up? seriously this is why i need to get to uni asap they treat me like a BIG BABY ffs no privacy nothing
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    Struggling a lot today, I've eaten a few little things but they came straight back up. Again.
    Being two people is really bothering me now, I'm happy and upbeat one minute and then like this the next.
    I don't even know how to begin telling people... it's easier for me to pretend and lie instead of talking to them.

    The guy I told the truth to had a huge argument with me earlier. He said "Go throw up, you skinny *****"
    He didn't mean it, he's apologised but... made everything worse again. I feel so ill.
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    Custard, I hope you find today a bit easier, you are doing incredible things here, beating that bloody demon down every day. Keep in your mind next year when you will be at Reading, healthy, happy and working towards your amazing future. Every morning you wake up a day closer and a day stronger

    Bigs hugs to you and stay strong!!!
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    (Original post by souldoubt)
    :ashamed:

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    Struggling a lot today, I've eaten a few little things but they came straight back up. Again.
    Being two people is really bothering me now, I'm happy and upbeat one minute and then like this the next.
    I don't even know how to begin telling people... it's easier for me to pretend and lie instead of talking to them.

    The guy I told the truth to had a huge argument with me earlier. He said "Go throw up, you skinny *****"
    He didn't mean it, he's apologised but... made everything worse again. I feel so ill.
    :hugs:
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    Souldoubt, I can empathise entirely with the whole "being two people" thing.

    Although with me it's less of a Jekyll and Hyde and more of a "conscious and unconscious me" dichotomy; I find that when my ED takes over I just go into "autopilot" and it just moves me like a puppet. For example, I'll walk into Marks and Spencer, look at the nice things I want, go to pick it up and put it in the basket, then *Blink*... I'm out of Marks and Spencer, not so much as remembering where the past ten minutes have went, holding a bag of "safe foods" (in reality what has happened is, knowing where every individual "usual" items are, with pinpoint precision I've simply dashed around the supermarket, picked up my items, and left, making sure to put the blinkers on to ensure no temptation occurs).

    It's like I switch off and the ED lives my life for me.

    Oh, and if anyone's keeping any sorta tabs - I didn't gain at this week's weigh-in, but I'm guessing that's down to a particularly hectic and stressful week, not through my own fault (and I mean that!) but 2KG gained in 5 weeks is not to be sniffed at!
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    OK this is getting ridiculous. Im not panicking im just bemused. Mad. Annoyed. Mother went and bought TWO PACKETS OF CRUNCHY NUT BOXES CEREAL. now this may mean nothing to you lot but let me tell you something. she KNOWS I LOVE THEM/ WHO on earth goes and buys two blatent boxes? why does she torture me please someone anyone . I understand its cos she loves me and wants me to eat but doesnt she see im fat? FFS.
 
 
 
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