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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

    • #43
    #43

    (Original post by Cinnie)
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    An insane person has absolutely no grasp on reality and does not recognise any of the things you are recognising or reflect on themselves in the extensive way that you do. We all have our dark moments but that doesn't make us as a person twisted so don't believe that for one second.

    You can stop putting yourself into boxes and categories. No one is going to sit and ask you to explain to them every aspect of your personality and what boxes you put yourself into - so you don't need to define yourself with anything more than 'I am me. I have my ups and downs, twists and turns, and whatever else'. Anyway, big digression. I am having a major rant because I am just sat waiting for my hamsters to wake up so I can play with them. Anyway, erm...

    The numbing helped me think a bit more rationally and go more slowly. It forced me to. I had to have a good think about my priorities because the priorities were all I could deal with (like now - I have left uni because I could hardly hold a conversation without wanting to run away let alone be in lecture full of people). Funnily enough the main priority is looking after your health and that has to be done first.

    I would definitely try SSRI's again (I was given a prescription for sertraline but for some reason tore it up while drunk). It's worth a try.


    Need to take my own advice sometimes.
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    Hmm, seems fair. Although it's a headache for me to get around un-labelling myself. Certain ways and bad habits are almost integrated into my identity now, whhich is worrying.
    OK, it sounds like it's worth a look, because apparently I now prioritise 'self-help' reads on the Internet over getting the last train home :facepalm and I'm sure that and getting to bed at a reasonable time would help a lot more than an abstract lesson on self-empowerment blah (not that I don't respect these articles but it feels like I read more of them than I use which is weirdly denial in itself? I don't know.
    I'm still considering whether I need to opt out at this point in time. The MH worker here thught it might be an option.

    Are your hamsters awake yet? x
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    Riku doing a Snow doing a Riku and why have you been negged!? I thought that was really helpful, only thing I've ever wanted to neg on here were obvious insensitive trolls
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
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    Hmm, seems fair. Although it's a headache for me to get around un-labelling myself. Certain ways and bad habits are almost integrated into my identity now, whhich is worrying.
    OK, it sounds like it's worth a look, because apparently I now prioritise 'self-help' reads on the Internet over getting the last train home :facepalm and I'm sure that and getting to bed at a reasonable time would help a lot more than an abstract lesson on self-empowerment blah (not that I don't respect these articles but it feels like I read more of them than I use which is weirdly denial in itself? I don't know.
    I'm still considering whether I need to opt out at this point in time. The MH worker here thught it might be an option.

    Are your hamsters awake yet? x
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    I have only just stopped thinking about myself as 'this type of person' or 'this type of lifestyle'. I refuse to categorise or define myself any more and that has started to help me put the pressure off myself. If someone asked me to explain why I do something, or how I feel about fast food for example, I just say 'well it all depends', and then try to change the subject onto something more comfortable.

    Yep you probably won't meet any other needs unless your body gets its nourishment and rest.

    I went to sleep in the end. They are always asleep, but i've only had them for 3 days and they are babies so i'll let them off...


    (Original post by Riku)
    Riku doing a Snow doing a Riku and why have you been negged!? I thought that was really helpful, only thing I've ever wanted to neg on here were obvious insensitive trolls
    Haha no worries, i've made that mistake before :innocent:
    • #48
    #48

    The voice in my head today won't ****ing shut up about how I'm fat and I'll always be fat so eating everything available is a decent plan because I'll only get fatter. Sod offffffff. :sad:
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    (Original post by Riku)
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    I've been on Citalopram for 3 years and I don't think I'd still be alive if I hadn't been put on it. It's really helped me along the way. It works differently for other people, though. I'm still on it despite having recovered; my depression was what triggered the ED and I still unfortunately have severe depression. I must say, I felt really numb for the first couple of weeks after I started taking it, but things got better.
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    (Original post by Cinnie)
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    I have only just stopped thinking about myself as 'this type of person' or 'this type of lifestyle'. I refuse to categorise or define myself any more and that has started to help me put the pressure off myself. If someone asked me to explain why I do something, or how I feel about fast food for example, I just say 'well it all depends', and then try to change the subject onto something more comfortable.

    Yep you probably won't meet any other needs unless your body gets its nourishment and rest.

    I went to sleep in the end. They are always asleep, but i've only had them for 3 days and they are babies so i'll let them off...




    Haha no worries, i've made that mistake before :innocent:
    Hoping I'll come to soon. First dose is probably tomorrow when I can be bothered picking up the prescription.
    Awww ^_^ best let time have their kip then. You need to put them in the awww thread! :P




    (Original post by jazzykinks)
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    Thanks for your input, Jazzy. Sorry to hear you're still feeling low, you always have great advice for us less recovered folks and have helped me loads these past few months!
    :hugs:
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    Awww Riku thank you! It means a lot. I just want to help people put an end to this stuff because it's so destructive. x
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    Got my weigh in tomorrow, I always get a bit anxious. I know I've put weight on and I WANT to put weight on but I want it to be an amount I can cope with..so I don't feel like I've lost control of the gain. I dunno what difference it'll make knowing some number/figure when I know the world hasn't ended, I've gained, I'm happy, I'm fine, nobody has judged, I'm not fat. Yet still, the fear is there..
    • #103
    #103

    (Original post by Riku)
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    Well I've ended up on anti-depressants to make therapy easier while I'm going through crisis, starting my prescription tomorrow...I can't help but feel weak. When I first got the call I couldn't stop eating. How ****ing stupid is it that I feel more weak for this than I do for reaching out for help in the first place.
    Anybody have experience of medication?

    (Original post by jazzykinks)
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    I've been on Citalopram for 3 years and I don't think I'd still be alive if I hadn't been put on it. It's really helped me along the way. It works differently for other people, though. I'm still on it despite having recovered; my depression was what triggered the ED and I still unfortunately have severe depression. I must say, I felt really numb for the first couple of weeks after I started taking it, but things got better.
    Depression is also what triggered my ED, and yet I may be improving with the ED I'm still stuck in severe depression with no improvement. When I started Citalopram I basically didn't know who I was for a few weeks. Felt REALLY spaced out. Couldn't function, had really odd vivid dreams and felt just really sicky. Unfortunatly, I begun mine 2 days before my birthday this year (...fantastic timing), so I didn't 'have' a birthday this year. Also, my anxiety rose to a point where I couldn't leave the house without having a panic attack, and at one time I collapsed because of it. Family and friend gatherings are still proving to be really difficult. Has it helped my depression? Nope, not one bit. But at least I can leave the house now. Due to a previous liver condition that still haunts me I'm unable to try other anti-d's because of their side effects, I shouldn't even be on the Citalopram because its making my Liver condition worser (been advised I shouldn't continue them), but since I've been on waiting lists for counselling since April in my view I have no other choice than the drugs to stop harming myself. Parents are trying to persuade me to get counselling privately but I'm refusing because I'm not having them pay £100 an hour for months on end; would make me feel worse.

    I'm hoping to be well enough to go Uni or do something proper with my life next year as I've had to turn it down this year (because of waiting for help), and my fear is is its not gonna happen because I'll still be waiting around.
    • #103
    #103

    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    Got my weigh in tomorrow, I always get a bit anxious. I know I've put weight on and I WANT to put weight on but I want it to be an amount I can cope with..so I don't feel like I've lost control of the gain. I dunno what difference it'll make knowing some number/figure when I know the world hasn't ended, I've gained, I'm happy, I'm fine, nobody has judged, I'm not fat. Yet still, the fear is there..
    I also have a weigh in tomorrow - thing is my GP makes me feel terrible if I've not gained anything. But I'm unable to tell if its me passing the blame on to someone else so I feel better, or he actually makes me feel terrible.
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    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    Got my weigh in tomorrow, I always get a bit anxious. I know I've put weight on and I WANT to put weight on but I want it to be an amount I can cope with..so I don't feel like I've lost control of the gain. I dunno what difference it'll make knowing some number/figure when I know the world hasn't ended, I've gained, I'm happy, I'm fine, nobody has judged, I'm not fat. Yet still, the fear is there..
    Melissa sweetheart, you and I have known each other a good while and you are by no stretch of even a skewed-minded buffoon's mind, fat in any capacity. It's just a number. You're still a wee waif.

    But I know the number terrifies. My weigh-in had me at about 8 stones, down from 8 stone 2. I secretly revelled in it to begin with before I contested myself. "What are you so happy about?!" I asked myself. "Are we going back down THIS road?!" - I instantly felt ashamed. I hadn't done anything consciously to LOSE any weight, yet when I realised I had, I got the instant buzz the ED loves to give me. It's painful because no matter how far I've come I'm so sad to know he still lives there in the back of my mind to make me feel good for behaviours that will inevitably kill me.

    Like I said to you before, I want the number to go up (healthy!) but do not want to gain fat, yet in my case, the body fat percentage just keeps climbing as my weight goes back and forth, due to my crap osteoperosis (my doctor STILL will not let me exercise more than "light walking").

    My dear, I think this just proves that "recovery" is nothing short of a hedge-maze when an eating disorder/body dysmorphia/anxiety disorders are in the spotlight... but we WILL get there. SMOOCH-HUGS (Smugs) X
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    Thanks Tommy! That did help, a lot. You're very, very right. The only way I can get myself out of this loop is to just get on with it - the quick rush of "oh I've not gained weight" goes as soon as it comes and then i'd be back to a miserable, ED controlled life. Rather have a five minute feeling of "oh god no" at a gain, then I can rationalise it and feel better than the other alternative. XXX
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Like I said to you before, I want the number to go up (healthy!) but do not want to gain fat, yet in my case, the body fat percentage just keeps climbing as my weight goes back and forth, due to my crap osteoperosis (my doctor STILL will not let me exercise more than "light walking").
    Sorry to barge into the conversation, but has your doctor spoken to you about weight-bearing and resistance exercise by any chance? That combined with flexibility related activity is extremely beneficial for bone strength.

    By all means, if your doctor says no, then it should stay 'no'. I only bring it up because I suffer from osteoporosis and my doctor immediately printed me off sheets of these light exercises to help me.

    If you do look into it, ask your doctor first and make sure to eat a little more to make up for it!
    • #142
    #142

    I hate myself so much :'(
    Just got a uni rejection and i feel fatter than ever and so alone. I fail at life and I even fail at being thin. My best friend thinks i have a problem but i'm too fat to have an eating disorder .. and i had my first period in 6 months today .. which in my head proves to me im fat :'(
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    Hello everyone it's nice to see that there are other people who struggle in the same way I do. Having anorexia makes me feel very isolated sometimes, especially when people think it's just all about being skinny to look good.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Depression is also what triggered my ED, and yet I may be improving with the ED I'm still stuck in severe depression with no improvement. When I started Citalopram I basically didn't know who I was for a few weeks. Felt REALLY spaced out. Couldn't function, had really odd vivid dreams and felt just really sicky. Unfortunatly, I begun mine 2 days before my birthday this year (...fantastic timing), so I didn't 'have' a birthday this year. Also, my anxiety rose to a point where I couldn't leave the house without having a panic attack, and at one time I collapsed because of it. Family and friend gatherings are still proving to be really difficult. Has it helped my depression? Nope, not one bit. But at least I can leave the house now. Due to a previous liver condition that still haunts me I'm unable to try other anti-d's because of their side effects, I shouldn't even be on the Citalopram because its making my Liver condition worser (been advised I shouldn't continue them), but since I've been on waiting lists for counselling since April in my view I have no other choice than the drugs to stop harming myself. Parents are trying to persuade me to get counselling privately but I'm refusing because I'm not having them pay £100 an hour for months on end; would make me feel worse.

    I'm hoping to be well enough to go Uni or do something proper with my life next year as I've had to turn it down this year (because of waiting for help), and my fear is is its not gonna happen because I'll still be waiting around.
    So sorry to hear you're still waiting for counselling and it must have been awful to spend a birthday out of it I've always been lucky that a birthday's been more or less an 'off' day for my illness.
    I hope you get some proper support soon. Uni's gonna happen for you, believe it. :hugs:
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    (Original post by Blue eyed bunny)
    Hello everyone it's nice to see that there are other people who struggle in the same way I do. Having anorexia makes me feel very isolated sometimes, especially when people think it's just all about being skinny to look good.
    It's nice to see people struggle? Oh, lovely! Haha, only messing. I know what you meant...
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    I just wanted to make a post regarding weight redistribution.

    I know I go on about this frequently but the truth is, it's ALWAYS on my mind these days. The fact is, I APPEAR heavier than I am due to the fat gain and refusal to redistribute properly (though it HAS moved, it's very stubbornly been very fond of my stomach, love handlage and face).

    However, when I compare four different pictures, a few other things become apparent. I was never looking at the big deal, the whole picture. I'm finally getting compliments again. Sure, your FAMILY can say nice things about you, but recently, I was getting complimented on how I looked by female friends-of-friends, and it really made me sit up and think, "are people saying these nice things in a pseudo-patronising way, because they want to reassure me regardless of how I ACTUALLY look, or are they complimenting me for real?!" - it wasn't until I analysed it and ASKED that I got the response, "It's like you've transformed, because the way you were a year ago, I wouldn't have looked twice - now you're a different guy, totally!"

    Comparing me this time last year, at my low-low point, where I had just started recovery after my minor heart scare and organ failure...

    Picture here: https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.n...21671464_o.jpg

    to then gaining a whole bunch of weight (a stone and a half, up to a good eight stones, as I currently deviate from 8st to 8st 4 back and forth):

    Picture here: http://i1125.photobucket.com/albums/...orary-2080.jpg

    Then to the point where the weight STARTED redistributing, and my hair finally started growing back:

    Picture here: http://i1125.photobucket.com/albums/...porary-995.jpg

    and finally, the picture I took of me being all smug - like - ten seconds ago (same weight as previous picture):

    Picture here: http://i1125.photobucket.com/albums/...porary-755.jpg


    The differences are both major and minor, physical and emotional. The reason I'm doing "smug face" is because my hair is growing back. I'm inexplicably changing my age (I'm 28, but I appear to have, at points, looked 21 and 40, just due to the crazy effect of the ED). And of course, getting nice comments doesn't hurt.

    If you consider that I haven't changed how much I weigh in the final three pictures, AT ALL (and I mean, not a pound between the final three), you can see how your body tries to change back after an ED kills it. In the space of a few months the changes are all over the shop.

    I might have my hangups, and I might be still struggling (and trust me, it only gets harder when you "look" normal but you don't "think" normal, because you don't have that crutch to fall back on), but knowing I am constantly working to HEAL myself, and get better, and beat the ED - and not appease it - THAT means more to me than any flabby belly or chubbedy-bubbedy cheeks!
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
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    You have every right to feel smug - you look great! Absolutely not saying this just to make you feel good, I mean it. You look really really good. Your hair looks great, your skin really clear, your eyes bright and shining. It really is a transformation! I can't wait to see you when you're nicely in the healthy range, you are just going to get better and better
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    and you are right. When you look normal the focus is taken off your body and it's all about your mind and that can be much more confusing and complicated. The thing is, we have the rest of our lives to sort that bit out - we wouldn't have if we had kept starving. x
 
 
 
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