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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    What is with this automatic anon thingy? Obviously, the last post was me.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    -hugging you so hard right now- I'm not exactly ok. atmosphere in flat is horrendous, seem to be existing of sugar and coffee atm, and my mental state is awful (anxiety has flared up, far too ashamed to tell tutor as i'm scared i've somehow let him down), but you sound a damn sight worse, ngl. WHY won't they help my DD?
    Oi you most definitely haven't let anyone down! It's not your fault so don't be afraid to ask for help :hugs:
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    (Original post by letsdothetimewarpagain)
    Oi you most definitely haven't let anyone down! It's not your fault so don't be afraid to ask for help :hugs:
    its just the asking for help is difficult. anxiety >> panic attacks >> me being aware anxiety is getting worse>> makes it bloody difficult to get help.
    • #144
    #144

    I'm so frustrated with myself. I've been bulimic for 5 years with periods of BED between and I am massively overweight. That's not just me thinking I am, I am obese by BMI standards and what not. I am desperate to kick this, because its expensive, inconvenient, affecting my studies (final year) and stopping me from being a 'normal student'. Where I am at Uni there is pants support for ED's, especially because I'm not anorexic. Even anorexics here have limited help, but there is more for them than me.

    I've tried doing these online self help things and tried the food diary (no calories) with track on emotions and documenting unhealthy behavior etc. I've tried to eat healthy (although I think my idea of portions is severely screwed as a portion of pasta say and I will be physically hungry an hour later). I also want to lose weight HEALTHILY but I've got myself in that all or nothing mind set. I eat and I don't stop, I stop eating and within 48 hours I've eaten the entire contents of my fridge. I am just so b***** frustrated with myself and the system and feel so powerless to recover even though I'm in the mindset now where I want to.

    I just can't do it on my own but nobody here seems to care. 'Try and binge on healthy food like fruit', 'If you binge don't get rid of it' and try to eat a meal plan are all they can suggest. I love my Dr to pieces but theres just no-where to refer me and she's just interested in stopping the purging and reducing my weight. I've tried many times at counselling with the 'I think the cause of this is your upbringing' to which I reply 'no s*** sherlock, its taken you 6 weeks to work that one out'. I feel like I'm screaming for help and no one can hear me.

    I mean I'm ill at the moment with some bacteria I brought back from a holiday abroad which means I am in agony whenever I eat and have to use the toilet soon after because it goes through me that quick ... and do you think that has even stopped me eating?? Even pain and humiliation can't stop me.

    Short of cutting up my bank cards and freezing my accounts so I can't buy food and meaning I can't eat, I just don't know what to do. What can I do. I don't know how I am going to get all my work done and graduate with a good grade so I can get my PhD studentship and carry on with my life. Its already ruined my time at Uni, I don't want it to ruin my career before I've even started. Help.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm so frustrated with myself. I've been bulimic for 5 years with periods of BED between and I am massively overweight. That's not just me thinking I am, I am obese by BMI standards and what not. I am desperate to kick this, because its expensive, inconvenient, affecting my studies (final year) and stopping me from being a 'normal student'. Where I am at Uni there is pants support for ED's, especially because I'm not anorexic. Even anorexics here have limited help, but there is more for them than me.

    I've tried doing these online self help things and tried the food diary (no calories) with track on emotions and documenting unhealthy behavior etc. I've tried to eat healthy (although I think my idea of portions is severely screwed as a portion of pasta say and I will be physically hungry an hour later). I also want to lose weight HEALTHILY but I've got myself in that all or nothing mind set. I eat and I don't stop, I stop eating and within 48 hours I've eaten the entire contents of my fridge. I am just so b***** frustrated with myself and the system and feel so powerless to recover even though I'm in the mindset now where I want to.

    I just can't do it on my own but nobody here seems to care. 'Try and binge on healthy food like fruit', 'If you binge don't get rid of it' and try to eat a meal plan are all they can suggest. I love my Dr to pieces but theres just no-where to refer me and she's just interested in stopping the purging and reducing my weight. I've tried many times at counselling with the 'I think the cause of this is your upbringing' to which I reply 'no s*** sherlock, its taken you 6 weeks to work that one out'. I feel like I'm screaming for help and no one can hear me.

    I mean I'm ill at the moment with some bacteria I brought back from a holiday abroad which means I am in agony whenever I eat and have to use the toilet soon after because it goes through me that quick ... and do you think that has even stopped me eating?? Even pain and humiliation can't stop me.

    Short of cutting up my bank cards and freezing my accounts so I can't buy food and meaning I can't eat, I just don't know what to do. What can I do. I don't know how I am going to get all my work done and graduate with a good grade so I can get my PhD studentship and carry on with my life. Its already ruined my time at Uni, I don't want it to ruin my career before I've even started. Help.
    Gosh, things sound bloody awful for you. There's nothing worse than being ready to recover and having no support to do it and feeling stuck and then with the academic stress on top of that... ouch. I'm sorry anon. :jumphug:
    Only thing I can say right now is, have you been to the doctor for your bacteria? You can't be feeling well and it can't be good for you to be physically sick on top of the effects of bulimia/BED. Are there any ED support groups at your university at the very least? Um, starving isn't the solution so yeah, please don't cut up your cards! When you're not binging, are you restricting generally? Because I find that the worst binges happen for me when i haven't been eating enough or when I haven't been eating things that are nutritious. This might sound stupid but are you okay with smoothies? Because you can pack quite a bit of protein in them from milk/almond milk/a few spoonfuls of nut butter and because there's liquid and protein in there, it staves off binges for a while for me. And also, soups. I've found homemade veggie soups really good for stopping me from binging but just make sure you take a decent portion. I don't know if any of this helps, I'm sorry. I'm starting to learn how awful binges are and it's tough when it seems like everything you try ends in a binge.

    I'll tell you what i'll do. I'll come back tomorrow and see if I can find my old harm minimisation worksheets. Harm minimisation is sort of what it says on the tin, it's sort of accepting that you have an ED right now and just gets you to work on reducing your behaviours and reducing the harm they're causing instead of stopping them completely (sounds sort of contradictory doesn't it?). It's not ideal obviously but it might seem less intimidating than working towards full recovery right now? It's still a step in the right direction and I seem to remember there was information about bulimia and purging in the worksheets and I've had so many info sheets about portion sizes. I don't know where anything is! Quote me tomorrow if i haven't come back.

    Sorry for the ramble, I didn't want to read without replying.
    :hugs:
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    So so so angry with myself, wish I could feel anything but especially guilt instead of just so numb. I don't really deserve anyone who tries to be good in my life because I'm an awful person :o:
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Gosh, things sound bloody awful for you. There's nothing worse than being ready to recover and having no support to do it and feeling stuck and then with the academic stress on top of that... ouch. I'm sorry anon. :jumphug: [snip]

    Sorry for the ramble, I didn't want to read without replying.
    :hugs:
    DD, that was a good ramble. I couldn't have helped more than :jumphug:
    • #144
    #144

    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Gosh, things sound bloody awful for you. There's nothing worse than being ready to recover and having no support to do it and feeling stuck and then with the academic stress on top of that... ouch. I'm sorry anon. :jumphug:
    Only thing I can say right now is, have you been to the doctor for your bacteria? You can't be feeling well and it can't be good for you to be physically sick on top of the effects of bulimia/BED. Are there any ED support groups at your university at the very least? Um, starving isn't the solution so yeah, please don't cut up your cards! When you're not binging, are you restricting generally? Because I find that the worst binges happen for me when i haven't been eating enough or when I haven't been eating things that are nutritious. This might sound stupid but are you okay with smoothies? Because you can pack quite a bit of protein in them from milk/almond milk/a few spoonfuls of nut butter and because there's liquid and protein in there, it staves off binges for a while for me. And also, soups. I've found homemade veggie soups really good for stopping me from binging but just make sure you take a decent portion. I don't know if any of this helps, I'm sorry. I'm starting to learn how awful binges are and it's tough when it seems like everything you try ends in a binge.

    I'll tell you what i'll do. I'll come back tomorrow and see if I can find my old harm minimisation worksheets. Harm minimisation is sort of what it says on the tin, it's sort of accepting that you have an ED right now and just gets you to work on reducing your behaviours and reducing the harm they're causing instead of stopping them completely (sounds sort of contradictory doesn't it?). It's not ideal obviously but it might seem less intimidating than working towards full recovery right now? It's still a step in the right direction and I seem to remember there was information about bulimia and purging in the worksheets and I've had so many info sheets about portion sizes. I don't know where anything is! Quote me tomorrow if i haven't come back.

    Sorry for the ramble, I didn't want to read without replying.
    :hugs:
    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    DD, that was a good ramble. I couldn't have helped more than :jumphug:
    Thanks for replying, makes me feel less alone. I went as an 'emergency' patient on Thurs because it was making me feel hideously unwell. I had to do a stool sample (humiliating!) and the results will be back by next Thurs. They were reluctant to give me antibiotics as the side effects could be worse than whatever it is, and they aren't sure if its bacterial or viral. Its been going on for 2 weeks now, I'm just fed up of it. There is sweet FA here on campus for ED's. I have a MH mentor whose role is to help me manage to do my studies etc. so her knowledge of dealing with ED's are pretty limited.

    I try to eat 5-6 small-medium meals a day as I thought if I eat little and often it would help...but it turns into an all day feast. If I restrict then you're right, it leads to a binge. I tried switching up the sizes of my meals thinking a big lunch would help me not to binge in the evening etc. I don't want to starve because I know its not healthy and what not, I just want to eat a normal amount for an adult on a healthy diet so I can lose steadily and healthily.

    Those worksheets sound like they would help. All the ones I've found online are like 'the first step is to realise you will not lose weight through recovery and that you might actually gain' and I definitely do not have the option to gain, I've managed to maintain since I had a diabetes diagnoses so weight related problems haven't got worse ... they just haven't got any better.

    I know recovery is not easy and I know it doesn't happen overnight but I've got so many reasons to recover and I am finally in the right mindset and I don't know if or when I would ever get it back, if that makes sense?

    Hope everyone is doing ok today xxx
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    To lighten the mood..if they asked me for a stool sample, they'd probably be waiting about..a fortnight.

    I'm so glam.
    • #144
    #144

    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    To lighten the mood..if they asked me for a stool sample, they'd probably be waiting about..a fortnight.

    I'm so glam.
    But that awesome feeling after those 2 weeks! I don't get that feeling 5 times a day :P
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    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    To lighten the mood..if they asked me for a stool sample, they'd probably be waiting about..a fortnight.

    I'm so glam.
    To be honest, even when you've recovered mentally and physically, your digestive system is still quite bad. Over 2 years recovered and I'm lucky if it's twice a week :| x
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    To be honest, even when you've recovered mentally and physically, your digestive system is still quite bad. Over 2 years recovered and I'm lucky if it's twice a week :| x
    That sucks! I guess a few things are slow to pick themselves back up after long term damage, the body can only take so much.
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    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    That sucks! I guess a few things are slow to pick themselves back up after long term damage, the body can only take so much.
    Yeah, Senakot has become my best friend! Thing is, your tummy and digestive system just shrink and it takes ages for them to be like 'oh, I'm getting fed, better empty myself and make room'. It's annoying because my BDD area is my tummy which, due to the constipation, gets bloated all the time :| but I'm beyond caring now -- I reckon it will take a couple more years for me to be 100% physically recovered. Unfortunately, whilst our minds might react quickly and recover, the body needs a lot of time to heal! x
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Yeah, Senakot has become my best friend! Thing is, your tummy and digestive system just shrink and it takes ages for them to be like 'oh, I'm getting fed, better empty myself and make room'. It's annoying because my BDD area is my tummy which, due to the constipation, gets bloated all the time :| but I'm beyond caring now -- I reckon it will take a couple more years for me to be 100% physically recovered. Unfortunately, whilst our minds might react quickly and recover, the body needs a lot of time to heal! x
    Bless you. Yeah, I know that bloated feeling. In all honesty though, when it comes to things like that - I'll let it take it's time, it's not the end of the world. Being fixed in my head is MUCH more important to me
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    (Original post by jazzykinks)
    Yeah, Senakot has become my best friend! Thing is, your tummy and digestive system just shrink and it takes ages for them to be like 'oh, I'm getting fed, better empty myself and make room'. It's annoying because my BDD area is my tummy which, due to the constipation, gets bloated all the time :| but I'm beyond caring now -- I reckon it will take a couple more years for me to be 100% physically recovered. Unfortunately, whilst our minds might react quickly and recover, the body needs a lot of time to heal! x
    thats probably not a good thing jazzy, don't they also eventually mess your digestive system up? admittedly if you're taking them because you're in pain, i don't blame you.
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    thats probably not a good thing jazzy, don't they also eventually mess your digestive system up? admittedly if you're taking them because you're in pain, i don't blame you.
    absotively posolutely. Laxative abuse (more than a sustained week) can eventually cause dependance and eventually (thanks to personal experience) severe anal ruptural bleeding.


    Before my worst days I had abused laxativesless than a month and my large intestinaltract was utterly ripped...
    • #81
    #81

    Is anyone on medication?

    Seeing my gp on monday and going to beg him to put me on something. Really worried about ssri's and their potential adverse effects though .
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    thats probably not a good thing jazzy, don't they also eventually mess your digestive system up? admittedly if you're taking them because you're in pain, i don't blame you.
    I don't take them that often, perhaps once a week or so to get moving. I try to do it naturally by eating seeds and high-fiber foods instead! x
    • #145
    #145

    Hi guys,
    I've been thinking of posting here for a while now and only just finally got round to it...so sorry if its a bit of along winded rambly post also a bit blunt so maybe not an idea to read if you're in a tricky place atm.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    basically, i've had 'issues' with food for a long time;however for most of my teenage years it was with anorexia. Things were pretty ****ty at times but finally things just seemed to change around middle of sixth form for the better, got a pretty intense relationship, going out much more than earlier, strong friendship group and the like. However having put on a lot of weight in a short space of time, without camhs/doctors input (which had been ridiculouly difficult for me before) left me in a bit of an identity crisis - sounds really weird I know but despite being a chubby child, since the age of 9 or 10 at least, even if I didn't really believe at the back of my mind I knew I was thin. So, towards the end of year 13 started binging and then not eating anything for a day, before ending up binging again, and working out more. i just could not stand myself how I'd become, especially as when younger I had been involved in cross country/track and now was even useless for that because pretty much all runners are thin, naturally or not. During first year it got worse and i actually began purging which has just messed me up. I can't eat around people, or avoid it at all costs and just get so nervous when I do, but binge in secret still and have been disgusted at myself when i have been just so desperate to binge that I've had other people's food,m then had to rush voff to buy replacements which obviously has flatmates either hating you or thinking your nuts.
    It doesn't help either that the uni I'm at, whilst I chose it and like it, is full of ridiculously high achievers. Not only clever people but beautiful and sporty people, many of them thin to boot. I just feel so stuck at the moment. At the same time, over the past year i have started to get back into running again but am finding it hard to train consistently at the level I did over summer because I cannot focus or exercise when I haven't eaten for ages as people have been around, or just miss training to binge as the house is empty. i know it sounds so stupid. i just feel like I'm holding myself back because of this stupid ed, I really want to get further and achieve in this sport because it was anorexia that made me have to give up training when I was younger, and it ios ultimately a choice between becoming a good runner and this disgusting ed which is so hard to kick. It doesn't help either, that unfortunately people are 1. more concerned about anorexics, and weirdly to assign the illness some sort of prestige having been there...bulimia is regarded all round as just yuck though. 2. Most successful runners, including a couple of VERY good ones at my uni are skinny. And this top-national level girl is ridiculously skinny, not an ounce of fat on her and I can't help thinking that I used to be like that, and maybe if I didn't lie in bed all day stuffing my face with nutella like a ***** I would be a lot faster and successful.
    Sorry if this came across pretty blunt, I just have bottled this up for so long and its just getting to me. Just feel so torn between everything trying to kick this and loathing myself now at the sime time urgh.
    thanks for reading anyhow.
    • #146
    #146

    Just wondering if there is any news on the group starting up?
 
 
 
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