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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by NotSoCool.Fly)
    OK this is getting ridiculous. Im not panicking im just bemused. Mad. Annoyed. Mother went and bought TWO PACKETS OF CRUNCHY NUT BOXES CEREAL. now this may mean nothing to you lot but let me tell you something. she KNOWS I LOVE THEM/ WHO on earth goes and buys two blatent boxes? why does she torture me please someone anyone . I understand its cos she loves me and wants me to eat but doesnt she see im fat? FFS.
    this is going to sound insensitive but you can't expected never to be confronted with foods you find scary. its important that you find a way to eat them in a sensible way. not too much not too little, banning yourself from foods is only going to make it worse because if you ever give in to the temptation you'll feel like you've failed whereas if you say to yourself you can have a small amount then you wont feel like you've failed and you can be proud you've managed to overcome a hurdle eat something scary and eat something that someone else can eat.

    i'm sure your not fat, and you need to calm down and look at the bigger picture. if you like a food you shouldnt cut it out completely - this is hypocritical but its true. have you ever wondered how other people manage to eat things such as crunchy nut and not get fat? its because if you eat things in moderation they won't hurt you.

    its so much easier said than done, i struggle to do it and many other people do, sometimes it feels easier to avoid those scary foods altogether, but realistically its not an enjoyable way to live, to feel trapped in a routine and following strict harsh rules!

    x
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    Furthering the sentiment I just want to pitch in that I'm sure your mother had no intention of sabotaging or causing you mental trauma in some way. Unlike us, "normal" individuals (a term I use quite flippantly) just see something nice and purchase it. To be fair she probably got the "buy two boxes of Crunchy Nut CornFlakes and get a free official bowl" deal.

    Whereas we with eating disorders spend every waking moment thinking about, scrutinising, researching food, normal people just... eat it. They just eat their breakfast, lunch, dinner, whatever. They don't use food as a crutch, as a weapon, as a hobby or obsession. It's just there, they eat it, they enjoy it, then get on with their lives.

    By no means was your mother twiddling her "evil genius" moustache when she bought a box of cereal with the intention of leading you into a heinous trap; in the mind of anyone but an ED sufferer, this is casual, daily behaviour, just like looking both ways to cross the road, taking a shower and turning the telly over at 8pm to watch Eastenders (which everyone insists upon doing when I'm watching something else. Harumph.)
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    By no means was your mother twiddling her "evil genius" moustache when she bought a box of cereal with the intention of leading you into a heinous trap; in the mind of anyone but an ED sufferer, this is casual, daily behaviour, just like looking both ways to cross the road, taking a shower and turning the telly over at 8pm to watch Eastenders (which everyone insists upon doing when I'm watching something else. Harumph.)
    If you think THAT's bad, in our house my mum programmes in eastenders, coronation street and all that jazz so it turns to the right channel all automagically and stuff. Means I rarely get to have what I want on TV. So I <3 iPlayer, 4OD etc.
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    this is going to sound insensitive but you can't expected never to be confronted with foods you find scary. its important that you find a way to eat them in a sensible way. not too much not too little, banning yourself from foods is only going to make it worse because if you ever give in to the temptation you'll feel like you've failed whereas if you say to yourself you can have a small amount then you wont feel like you've failed and you can be proud you've managed to overcome a hurdle eat something scary and eat something that someone else can eat.

    i'm sure your not fat, and you need to calm down and look at the bigger picture. if you like a food you shouldnt cut it out completely - this is hypocritical but its true. have you ever wondered how other people manage to eat things such as crunchy nut and not get fat? its because if you eat things in moderation they won't hurt you.

    its so much easier said than done, i struggle to do it and many other people do, sometimes it feels easier to avoid those scary foods altogether, but realistically its not an enjoyable way to live, to feel trapped in a routine and following strict harsh rules!

    x


    true but thats the thing

    is is i binge eat i dont want to eat it cos i know i wont stop and i love food. but also hate the effects of being fat obviously from over eating so need to make a stop.
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    (Original post by NotSoCool.Fly)
    true but thats the thing

    is is i binge eat i dont want to eat it cos i know i wont stop and i love food. but also hate the effects of being fat obviously from over eating so need to make a stop.
    how about trying to only eat those foods when your with other people, then you can't binge on them and the more you do it the more normal those foods will get to eat in small amounts?

    just an idea

    x
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Furthering the sentiment I just want to pitch in that I'm sure your mother had no intention of sabotaging or causing you mental trauma in some way. Unlike us, "normal" individuals (a term I use quite flippantly) just see something nice and purchase it. To be fair she probably got the "buy two boxes of Crunchy Nut CornFlakes and get a free official bowl" deal.

    Whereas we with eating disorders spend every waking moment thinking about, scrutinising, researching food, normal people just... eat it. They just eat their breakfast, lunch, dinner, whatever. They don't use food as a crutch, as a weapon, as a hobby or obsession. It's just there, they eat it, they enjoy it, then get on with their lives.

    By no means was your mother twiddling her "evil genius" moustache when she bought a box of cereal with the intention of leading you into a heinous trap; in the mind of anyone but an ED sufferer, this is casual, daily behaviour, just like looking both ways to cross the road, taking a shower and turning the telly over at 8pm to watch Eastenders (which everyone insists upon doing when I'm watching something else. Harumph.)

    funny thing is we got now bowl and we're in need of bowls darn it!

    i know its just her way of making me eat food and i want to but i dont trust myself and i wont stop no literally i could sit with that pack and eat it all without even mmilk

    wtf


    yummy but so evil lol.
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    Eh, I get why they're doing it, tbh they should've been doing it to start with but weren't... But it makes me feel invaded because I didn't once take advantage of the little privacy I DID have.

    Good day today - weigh day. I was expecting another big increase - I knew I had more rehydration to do, and I had the big meal plan increase. I was expecting a gain of at least 1.2kg and nearer 1.6kg (since Monday) but I was 'only' up 0.8kg to 37.6kg. That is exactly 2kg gained over the week - bearing in mind how dehydrated I was, I know I tend to gain 3-4kg water weight from not puking, so I've actually lost about a kg 'real' weight - and my BMI is still only 13.6. HUGELY reassuring that I am not going to gain and gain and gain. I have managed my SCARY meal plan much better than I thought I would and have had a really positive day .
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    good to see your spirits up CC!!!!!


















    -



    i cant devour the whole box mum will be on to me it aint right lol
    dont ask anyway grrr hate me
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    Had an appointment with my nurse today and she seriously SERIOUSLY told me to 'just eat' and said 'You ate before when you were in hospital.' Is she for real??? :facepalm: It's not like I'm not trying anyway.

    I'm trying to get back on track today, I have exams and I've been working so hard I don't deserve to have a compromised exam performance. I need the energy.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Had an appointment with my nurse today and she seriously SERIOUSLY told me to 'just eat' and said 'You ate before when you were in hospital.' Is she for real??? :facepalm: It's not like I'm not trying anyway.

    I'm trying to get back on track today, I have exams and I've been working so hard I don't deserve to have a compromised exam performance. I need the energy.
    I'm in the exact same frame of mind as you. I need the fuel for exams, the number of marks on my results are far more important than a number on a scale. And that being said, I can show my results to people in pride.. I can't shove a scale in someone's face and say "LOOK! LOOK AT THE NUMBER!!!!!!!".

    Your nurse sounds like a bit of a boobie. :sigh: If it was completely out of character maybe she was just having a bad day?
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    (Original post by briesandwich)
    I'm in the exact same frame of mind as you. I need the fuel for exams, the number of marks on my results are far more important than a number on a scale. And that being said, I can show my results to people in pride.. I can't shove a scale in someone's face and say "LOOK! LOOK AT THE NUMBER!!!!!!!".

    Your nurse sounds like a bit of a boobie. :sigh: If it was completely out of character maybe she was just having a bad day?
    Damn right! :laugh: Can you imagine how :lolwut: people would look if you actually showed them a number on a scale? But I'm so scared I'm going to fail anyway. I have 2 days to revise absolutely everything. Gah. I'm terrified. I NEED to get into UEA, I haven't mentally prepared to go to my insurance and I don't like it that much!
    When are your exams? Good luck hun! :hugs:

    Nope, not out of character. She's just a bit crap! :laugh: To be fair to her, when I was like 'ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS?' she did say she knew it wasn't that easy but God, to even say that is just... :facepalm: She told me she's been in the specialism for years, but if that's the case, you'd think she'd know saying just eat doesn't help. Bah. She's been like that for the months I've been seeing her and TELLING her things were getting more and more difficult. 'Just increase your meals.' 'Eat more.' 'You know what to do.' Like an ED is rational. If I could reason with it, I wouldn't still be fighting it! She keeps saying how she's not going to collude with my ED but she's not doing very much to help either. I also mentioned that it was a bit stupid they were only giving me psychological help now when I've been asking for it months ago when I left hospital and she was like 'You did have support!' and I was like, 'Um, no, I didn't. I was left alone for like 2 months and I got mentally worse.' And when she weighed me she randomly went on about how if I went to a GP they'd ask for a urine sample and blood tests and my weight to assess the situation and I was just thinking EXACTLY. You don't actually know what's going on with my body apart from my largely irrelevant weight so how are you helping me physically OR mentally? Sorry, total rant. I just can't believe these people are trained to help but just don't seem to have a clue. :rolleyes: Another reason to make sure I get into uni!

    Food is fuel. *repeats to self and writes on a piece of paper*
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    :sad:

    Can't even bring myself to chew gum.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Had an appointment with my nurse today and she seriously SERIOUSLY told me to 'just eat' and said 'You ate before when you were in hospital.' Is she for real??? :facepalm: It's not like I'm not trying anyway.

    I'm trying to get back on track today, I have exams and I've been working so hard I don't deserve to have a compromised exam performance. I need the energy.
    Ugh I've had a couple of nurses say that to me, unbelievable. :hugs:
    Yay energy! :dance:
    • #23
    #23

    Spoke to my boyfriend, we've organised a nice exercise plan and healthy eating plan too. I still get to do some exercise to make myself happy but only on my pilates tubing because I can't actually push myself to overload on that but I can tone myself up nicely.
    Thanks for the support guys.
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    I understand that "demon" that is sitting on your shoulder, telling you to do things that you know is clearly wrong. But I want you. Toto, to grab that demon and lock it up in a little cage and put into the far corners of your mind. That little demon is so weak that it's cries of stupidity will be to quiet for you to hear. That is what I have done, and I am getting on with my life. I don't know whether things will ever be 100% "normal" again, but its as normal as I can make it and I am HAPPY. HAPPY to be ALIVE. You are a young man Toto, a man who can give soo much more to the world. Fight that demon, make it your goal to recover!! You must focus yourself and face those fears as the numbers going up.

    For everyone out there who has ever suffered from Anorexia, its important to remember the little things in life and how some people end up looking emaciated without "choice". Everyone has "ups" an "downs", but don't let it get to you... please don't let it get to you. I have been down that road of numbers and control, and I have climbed back. I will NEVER go back there and neither should you.

    Best of luck
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Damn right! :laugh: Can you imagine how :lolwut: people would look if you actually showed them a number on a scale? But I'm so scared I'm going to fail anyway. I have 2 days to revise absolutely everything. Gah. I'm terrified. I NEED to get into UEA, I haven't mentally prepared to go to my insurance and I don't like it that much!
    When are your exams? Good luck hun! :hugs:
    Good luck to you too! :hugs:
    I had an exam on the Tuesday just gone, I think it went okay but I found it hard concentrating so I didn't fully answer the last question which was a 12 marker. But the rest of the questions I'm confident with. Just 2 next week, and my last one the week after. :woo: I'm sure you'll be fine! I would say 2 days of revision is better than spreading it out, I find when I'm in the "revision zone" (:cool:) my brain is like a sponge.

    I know I'm generalising a bit, but saying to someone with an eating disorder "just eat" or "stop eating" is like telling someone with a psychosis to stop hallucinating. A lot of people don't understand that it's not literally just a desire to maintain a low weight, but it's irrational thoughts and beliefs we have about ourselves which lead us to want to slowly starve.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    PS, I managed to JUST stay out of hospital, I didn't manage to gain the full Kilo, but I managed just over a pound!! At my latest weigh-in, I was 94lb. It's scary as hell but the eating disorder specialist discussed it with the main dietician and thinks I am doing enough - JUST enough - in terms of results to allow me to stay out and try even harder. She wants me to gain a kilo a week consistently.

    This is a terrifying prospect but as she says I am still hovering around 14.9-15 BMI range, which is brutally underweight and on the rainbow chart, is "severe anorexia nervosa". Still, when I see myself in the mirror, I see the fat forming, I see the wobbly bits whether they exist or not.

    Interestingly enough my waist at the navel has increased to 26" - 2" more than it was. Dad says it's my body bloating from actually getting some food as opposed to me just getting pure fat, but I obviously freak out.

    It's clearly something that will be difficult to overcome. I am aware of how stupid it must all sound to an outsider but to me, it is both logically the correct thing to do, to gain weight to be healthy - and terrifying at the feeling of loss of control.

    I have been limited to 15 minutes exercise (walking is maximum level of exertion) per day too, so now I feel like a lazy bum and it's getting more and more difficult to keep my mind off how this is all just an exercise in gaining pure weight. Like every thing you've conditioned yourself for, you're just doing the opposite. Swimming upstream.

    Grr. I need to be stronger than this.
    This is something I've wondered about with regards those with anorexia. Hope you don't mind me asking, but when you look in the mirror do you literally see a fat person, as in not just imagine the fat there in your mind but actually see it on your body even though it isn't there? It just seems incredible to me, like a permanent hallucination that only affects your perception of your own body.
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    (Original post by The Boney King of Nowhere)
    This is something I've wondered about with regards those with anorexia. Hope you don't mind me asking, but when you look in the mirror do you literally see a fat person, as in not just imagine the fat there in your mind but actually see it on your body even though it isn't there? It just seems incredible to me, like a permanent hallucination that only affects your perception of your own body.
    Hope you don't mind me answering this. Personally, I tend to focus on the areas I dislike and see them as a lot bigger and fatter than I know they are in reality, because I don't look at the whole picture, I just stare at that specific part of me. It quite often takes a push from my boyfriend to take a "step back" and see the whole picture and realise I am actually a lot smaller than I often consider myself to be. I guess since I've gained a lot of weight it's become harder for me to look at my body and understand that I'm still considered underweight compared to the "norm" because I still see the "fat bits" more than ever, but I have to say a massive part of recovering, is learning that you have to look at the the whole and learn that that is what people are supposed to look like. I hope this somewhat answers your question, lol.
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    (Original post by The Boney King of Nowhere)
    This is something I've wondered about with regards those with anorexia. Hope you don't mind me asking, but when you look in the mirror do you literally see a fat person, as in not just imagine the fat there in your mind but actually see it on your body even though it isn't there? It just seems incredible to me, like a permanent hallucination that only affects your perception of your own body.
    I'm gonna pop in with an answer too.

    One of my main issues has always been the dysmorphia. It's like, you see the little lumps of skin and you think 'it must be fat'. You see your stomach and think, 'could be thinner.' Your eyes get drawn to the little stores that you keep you warm, alive and human, not the ribs sticking out or the edges where there shouldn't be edges. You see all of the bad with the good being shifted out, and the bad becomes oh so much worse because of it.



    Kinda... mixed week this week. You know the saying, 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it'? Well that's pretty much the reason I haven't been posting much. Bad week, purging every day so far on the smallest things. Drinking coffee in extreme quantity. Sleep not going so well (before the coffee, which is why I'm drinking so much to stay awake. Ironic, I know). Things aren't so bad but I simply feel so lost in life. I don't know what TO DO WITH ME. I don't know what to study in Uni, thinking of food and nutrition as I have so much info and interest in the field. For Pete's sake, I did pharmacy and it was STILL the bit I found the most interesting.

    Seeing the Nurse next week hopefully, but only due to my mother pulling some strings. My history so far with them;

    +Go to GP in December, get referred.
    +Get letter in January saying that I will get further info soon.

    +Nothing happens.

    +My mother who works in the NHS pulls a few chords, I finally see the nurse in early May for interview.
    +She assures me the next appointment will be within 2 weeks.
    +Mother has had to pull more strings, because nothing came from nurse.
    +Appointment next week! Hopefully...



    Now the good news! I'm seeing my friends more! I'm able to draw again! My sister gave me an IPod Nano for my birthday! (Massive trigger, guilt from her buying me something so expensieve... and me not listening to music that often) My Dad's birthday went by with only small hitches! Playing yugioh again!

    Yeh, tonnes of talking about myself I know but needed to be said.

    Also been feeling mixed. Since working out more in the gym I'm gaining a lot faster, which is scary. I'm around 8 stone 3 pounds now and even though I know it's most likely muscle and a little fat (hopefully aiding joint recovery) and even water I still feel compelled to try and lose it. BUT I SHOULDN'T AND SHAN'T.

    Also been talking to one of my friends who had anorexia. It's good to relate.
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    (Original post by souldoubt)
    Ugh I've had a couple of nurses say that to me, unbelievable. :hugs:
    Yay energy! :dance:
    There was this nurse when I was in IP who was just ridiculous. She had no knowledge of EDs at all. I was in the middle of dinner and she was like 'Why don't you like eating? What food do you like? Do you like fish? Do you like rice? Do you like chicken?' (I should probably add that I'm African, hence the assumptions :rolleyes: ) and she kept going on and on. She said things like 'Smile and you'll enjoy it' and told one of my friends to 'enjoy her tube' :lolwut: She was such a lovely person, just woefully misinformed.
    ENERGY! Except I've eaten and now I just feel tired.

    (Original post by briesandwich)
    Good luck to you too! :hugs:
    I had an exam on the Tuesday just gone, I think it went okay but I found it hard concentrating so I didn't fully answer the last question which was a 12 marker. But the rest of the questions I'm confident with. Just 2 next week, and my last one the week after. :woo: I'm sure you'll be fine! I would say 2 days of revision is better than spreading it out, I find when I'm in the "revision zone" (:cool:) my brain is like a sponge.

    I know I'm generalising a bit, but saying to someone with an eating disorder "just eat" or "stop eating" is like telling someone with a psychosis to stop hallucinating. A lot of people don't understand that it's not literally just a desire to maintain a low weight, but it's irrational thoughts and beliefs we have about ourselves which lead us to want to slowly starve.
    :hugs: Good luck! I've got most of them this week. :sigh: It's time to cram!
    BiB: So true! I've always said I wish I could restrict without losing weight (damn that wish coming true! It's even worse!) because it's the low weight is just a side effect of all those thoughts and not eating. It's not the aim. I hate it when people seem to think it's superficial or a choice. And another thing that annoys me is people (usually females) going 'Oh no, I shouldn't!' when they're confronted with a piece of cake (why 'shouldn't' you? ) or people going on about their diets while they're telling me it's ok for me to eat. I don't understand why it's ok for them but not for me, though that's totally ED rationalisation. My mum always tells me she's medically overweight and I'm medically underweight and what we should both aim for is healthy, which I constantly have to remind myself of every time someone eats less than me. A few weeks ago I was going through a rough patch and I'd managed to allow myself a chocolate bar. My dad came round and I offered him a piece and he was like 'chocolate is going to make me fat'. Guess you can guess what I did with that chocolate bar after that. I'm used to triggers, I really really am but it feels like society is one huge trigger because it feels like loads of people have weird relationships with food.


    (Original post by The Boney King of Nowhere)
    This is something I've wondered about with regards those with anorexia. Hope you don't mind me asking, but when you look in the mirror do you literally see a fat person, as in not just imagine the fat there in your mind but actually see it on your body even though it isn't there? It just seems incredible to me, like a permanent hallucination that only affects your perception of your own body.
    I'll jump in with an answer too. I don't *really* have body dysmorphia. Well I didn't when I first got ill anyway. I could see that I was generally thin but I thought I looked like everyone else and because malnourishment affects your perception I started to see myself as fat and I focused on my thighs and my stomach and because I focused so much on those body parts I was hyperaware of every aspect of them and so I'd feel fat and grab it even though it was really just skin. Even with proper nourishment and weight restoration it didn't go away so now I can't tell what I look like in comparison to other people so I think everyone is thinner than me, even people who are slightly overweight. I think my perception of fat is different to people without anorexia, I don't think flab is fat, I think anything that isn't bone is fat. So when I say I'm fat what I really mean is I'm fat relative to my perception of thin... I suppose.

    Random but I'm laughing so hard right now. Jerry Springer is awesome when you're feeling rubbish haha!
 
 
 
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