Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. Watch

Anonymous #143
#5041
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#5041
(Original post by TotoMimo)
Last two posters... I hope you look at what you wrote and feel even pangs of shame in what you've said.

My ex fiance literally nearly died through ovarian problems and endured a full hystorectomy aged 30. The ability to menstruate is a gift, and though not glamorous, it signifies that you are good enough, womanly enough, to be able to fulfil our reason to even exist on this earth logically; to pass on your genetic legacy and someday be a parent.

You might not want a sprog today, or even this decade, but to purposely want to be sick and stifle your reason to exist in order to maintain a childlike, dying frame when those like my ex had no choice?

I'm not saying I'm better than you. I've had unreasonable thoughts and feelings throughout my ED. But I hope you get some perspective.

You are literally moaning that your body is indicating it is trying to heal and not die, and is giving you a sign to say keep it up, the alternative is a slow, miserable existence and premature demise... And trust me, the frame you maintain in a coffin is plenty skinny.

Think about it.
I totally understand what you're trying to say here but you know as well as anyone else Tommy that this disorder can remove all rationality from your thoughts. These girls don't mean to sound the way they do, they're just struggling right now and what you said came across a little too harshly.
Keep strong and stay fighting girlies, you know these thoughts aren't right, thats why you posted here so keep challenging them and keep talking to people about your worries, it helps.
All the best.
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TotoMimo
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#5042
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#5042
(Original post by Anonymous)
I totally understand what you're trying to say here but you know as well as anyone else Tommy that this disorder can remove all rationality from your thoughts. These girls don't mean to sound the way they do, they're just struggling right now and what you said came across a little too harshly.
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I'm glad you thought I was being radical. It's on purpose. I didn't start acting on my ED until one very incredible therapist started telling me how it was in a raw, real, vivid manner.

Up until then my little head-weevil would do the "nyuk nyuk, you're getting off with it after all!" and my ED continued. Often I would go to therapy and they'd dance around issues with, "Oh well, you didn't gain again this week, but... I'm sure you're trying hard... See you in a week and hopefully you'll have picked up a bit and..." - No. Just no. Anorexia just sees that as another win.

I'm glad I came across harshly because good advice should slap you in the face, it should be a cup of ice water thrown over you; not a wry smile and a "there, there."
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Anonymous #142
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#5043
It definately did help me recognise that this is soo wrong.. I still have no idea what to do about it though. I have never felt so scared or alone in my life. I am so grateful for this thread.
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Cinnie
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#5044
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#5044
Anons - bring the defenses down and listen to Toto. Sometimes it's better to have tough love, otherwise we give in to being weak and helpless. He's telling you the unglamorous reality - forget about this society, our families, our expectations. We are ok to be, first and foremost, fully functioning human beings with needs and flaws.

Don't let your struggles define you. Allow yourself to just 'be'.

First time I got my period back it terrified me, but that was because I was doing myself an injustice by wanting to be thin and ill. The second time I got it back, it was an amazing feeling because I had decided to live and this was part of the package.
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MelissaJayne
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#5045
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#5045
A friend from America sent me a big parcel full of goodies that arrived today..I was so touched by the sentiment. There were home baked cookies and everything. Tons of stuff. I tried a load of things I would have usually felt uncomfortable about as I was so touched by the gesture it reminded me that sometimes in life, thoughts of others and kind doings come before an ED!
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TotoMimo
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#5046
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#5046
Thanks Cinnie - the most frustrating thing is, until you reach that point of cognitive shift (ie, partway through the healing process), you don't appreciate the value of truly tough love!!

Melissa, GOD I LOVE IT. I still haven't munched through my JapanoCrate....


Oh, and to those interested in my charity auctions (raising money for NHS ED and Mental Health Disorders) I'm continuing auctioning off my sketches, canvases and the like that I've drawn over the past wee while in an attempt to raise more dosh for their Regional Eating Disorders services.... and this time, I've uploaded a framed Legend of Zelda illustration:

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.d...m=251196170971

Hopefully we raise a couple of quid; every little bit helps when it comes to kicking the buttocks of these horrible mental ailments so many of us are afflicted by!!


MEGA LOVE.

-Toto
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Anonymous #149
#5047
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#5047
I'd feel really bad posting in this thread because of my username. (It's food related) So I'll post as Anon.
[QUOTE=Anonymous;40487478]I am struggling, does anyone have any advice? I'll spoiler this just in case..

Spoiler:
Show

I know I am supposed to eat, but if I'm not reminded or prompted to do so, I don't do it. I feel greedy and guilty if I go to the kitchen and get my mid-afternoon snack myself, or if I have dessert without mum reminding me. The thing is, she very rarely does remind me. I said today "Should I have something with my sandwich?" and she said "Well you did have a slice of cake mid-morning, so only if you want to" and that was me ruined for the rest of the afternoon; of course I wanted to, but the voice in my head doesn't want me to. It's like I need constant permission to eat, despite knowing I'm supposed to - how can I get over this? I feel like I'm never going to get better.

Your mum doesn't sound very supportive of your recovery. :x

Spoiler:
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I don't have a meal plan for gaining weight (and the dietician won't give me one) and feel completely lost and unable to make choices on my own. What's enough cereal? Should I have toast? What constitutes a good lunch? More often than not, I end up making poor choices because of this anxiety over what's enough, what's too much etc. Yet I am miserable being this weight and mental state and honestly don't know what to do to get better quicker. The ED team are so focused on making me 'do this myself' but I can't, it's like I'm unable to make any good choices or decide to get better, despite my desire. And I don't know what to do

Have you tried measuring? I find it really helps me, because I am then eating an 'acceptable' amount of food. I follow the guidelines on the packaging for portion sizes. If you feel it will make you worse, don't, but I've personally found it helpful.
Sorry, I haven't posted on this thread before haha! So you're probably like 'who is this random person?'......

But basically, me:
Spoiler:
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I think I have an eating disorder. I haven't categorised myself yet, neither has anyone else. But I feel I have some issues with food. I have compulsions, feelings of guilt, etc.

I'd love to know if anyone has what I have specified above. It's really frustrating. I think it's related to OCD which I have had in the past?
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05autyt
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#5048
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#5048
How did everyone go about getting help :/? I'm really scared A massive part of my head is still refusing to accept this!
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Anonymous #14
#5049
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(Original post by 05autyt)
How did everyone go about getting help :/? I'm really scared A massive part of my head is still refusing to accept this!
Um, for me personally (not sure this is the best example) but I was already in the mental health services (CAMHS) and they referred me to the local ED services. After that, pretty much the same thing. I was with the Home Treatment Team for an entirely different reason and then my ED took over and they referred me again. I have no real experience of going to my GP and asking for help. I can imagine that would be like pulling teeth, considering how little ~most~ GPs know about EDs and how difficult it is to ask for help. My recommendation is to write how you're feeling and your difficulties down and hand it to them and tell yourself, if it's TRULY nothing, you have nothing to lose by going to the GP. There's nothing worse than knowing you have a problem and your ED telling you you don't so sitting around and letting things get worse. Try to get help while you're lucid enough to manage making even a few changes. :hugs:
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diamonddust
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#5050
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#5050
[QUOTE=Anonymous;40511088]I'd feel really bad posting in this thread because of my username. (It's food related) So I'll post as Anon.
(Original post by Anonymous)
I am struggling, does anyone have any advice? I'll spoiler this just in case..

Spoiler:
Show

I know I am supposed to eat, but if I'm not reminded or prompted to do so, I don't do it. I feel greedy and guilty if I go to the kitchen and get my mid-afternoon snack myself, or if I have dessert without mum reminding me. The thing is, she very rarely does remind me. I said today "Should I have something with my sandwich?" and she said "Well you did have a slice of cake mid-morning, so only if you want to" and that was me ruined for the rest of the afternoon; of course I wanted to, but the voice in my head doesn't want me to. It's like I need constant permission to eat, despite knowing I'm supposed to - how can I get over this? I feel like I'm never going to get better.

Your mum doesn't sound very supportive of your recovery. :x

Spoiler:
Show

I don't have a meal plan for gaining weight (and the dietician won't give me one) and feel completely lost and unable to make choices on my own. What's enough cereal? Should I have toast? What constitutes a good lunch? More often than not, I end up making poor choices because of this anxiety over what's enough, what's too much etc. Yet I am miserable being this weight and mental state and honestly don't know what to do to get better quicker. The ED team are so focused on making me 'do this myself' but I can't, it's like I'm unable to make any good choices or decide to get better, despite my desire. And I don't know what to do

Have you tried measuring? I find it really helps me, because I am then eating an 'acceptable' amount of food. I follow the guidelines on the packaging for portion sizes. If you feel it will make you worse, don't, but I've personally found it helpful.
Sorry, I haven't posted on this thread before haha! So you're probably like 'who is this random person?'......

But basically, me:
Spoiler:
Show

I think I have an eating disorder. I haven't categorised myself yet, neither has anyone else. But I feel I have some issues with food. I have compulsions, feelings of guilt, etc.

I'd love to know if anyone has what I have specified above. It's really frustrating. I think it's related to OCD which I have had in the past?
One note about the serving sizes on the packaging. Most of the time, it's a marketing ploy because they know most people go 'ooh x calories, that must be healthy' (GRR) so they make the serving sizes stupidly small. Most 'healthy' people eat far more than the serving sizes on the packet. I still get really anxious about that and still haven't managed to stop weighing my food. That doesn't help with the right serving size thing, I know, (if only I could find the sheets my old therapist gave me) and of course, eating the small amount the packet says is better than nothing but please, if you want more... I know that it's tough to defy your eating disorder, but don't ever feel guilty for having more than the serving size because it's BS, frankly. I'm glad you find it helpful though, anon. Just be careful. :hugs:
This post illustrates it better than I can.

Spoiler:
Show
And if you're talking about the compulsions and guilt around food, I'd say that's pretty much the hallmark of an ED and I certainly experience that. Please try and get some help, it's really no way to live. :hugs:


Edit: This auto anon thing is so annoying!
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Anonymous #145
#5051
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#5051
(Original post by TotoMimo)
I'm glad you thought I was being radical. It's on purpose. I didn't start acting on my ED until one very incredible therapist started telling me how it was in a raw, real, vivid manner.

Up until then my little head-weevil would do the "nyuk nyuk, you're getting off with it after all!" and my ED continued. Often I would go to therapy and they'd dance around issues with, "Oh well, you didn't gain again this week, but... I'm sure you're trying hard... See you in a week and hopefully you'll have picked up a bit and..." - No. Just no. Anorexia just sees that as another win.

I'm glad I came across harshly because good advice should slap you in the face, it should be a cup of ice water thrown over you; not a wry smile and a "there, there."
I do see your point Toto, and Cinnie, I know its irrational and tbh when i posted that was in a pretty panicky faze (is that a word?! And this is the 1st anon btw.) It did come across harshly to me, understandably so and to your intention of course. I think partially because it's always been my mother, and back in the day the ED consultant always going on, and on about periods that it just began to wash over me. Whilst I suppose Toto, due to what happened to your ex you perhaps feel stronger than someone else would about this matter, and rightly so! Ironically, I feel incredibly strongly too about smoking which is very prevalent amongst those around me at uni and was at college, having lost 5 members of my family to it so I see where you are coming from, even though I still can't 'logically' think about menstruation in this way!
Spoiler:
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Obviously this is irrational, and distorted, but not having them became 'normal' for me, as because I'd had primary and not secondary amenorrhea as with most cases I'd never really got used to the idea. For the past two years i've been at a bmi of 18-20 but not having a regular period, in a really stupid and admittedly wrong way, despite being a 'normal' weight was I understand now, a sort of subconscious clinging on to what had been a major part of my life, (at times really the ONLY defining feature of my life) for 10years. It didn't help either that certain, lets say, influential people around me in the past year or two (obviously not doctors!) have basically said "Oh, its okay not to have your period, you can still get pregnant, happens to lots of people and nothing to worry about." This was in a sports background (dodgy sounding with an ED I know, but this was after restarting before uni a sport I enjoyed before onset of my ed, that unfortunately had to give up as a result) and unfortunately many of these girls I train with now don't menstruate, and its interpreted as something 'desirable'. Hence the confusion and totally messed up mixed up feelings about it all.

But thanks, all the same, for a voice helping to bring things back into perspective a bit. As i think Jazzykinks posted some while back, my uni, though not Exeter, has a visibly high prevalence of ed's, which does distort things in your head even more.
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diamonddust
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#5052
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^ Oh God, Exeter has a lot of EDs? It's my (tentative- I haven't visited yet and I'm not sure about leaving London) first choice and I think it might be hellish if I can't go anywhere without seeing visibly ill people.
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Anonymous #150
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I began reading this forum from page one, and was extremely touched by the support people such as Toto were giving to people like myself. I skipped to the last page, assuming the posters would be completely different by now, but they're not. It's the same people, who honestly care. Perhaps I'm just overly sensitive; I don't know. Nonetheless, thank you.
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Anonymous #14
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I began reading this forum from page one, and was extremely touched by the support people such as Toto were giving to people like myself. I skipped to the last page, assuming the posters would be completely different by now, but they're not. It's the same people, who honestly care. Perhaps I'm just overly sensitive; I don't know. Nonetheless, thank you.
I feel bad for replying to this considering I've only just returned to the thread but :jumphug: and I do hope you're okay. xx
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diamonddust
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#5055
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Ugh, auto anon. I keep forgetting to deactivate it.
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sentiment
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#5056
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Just wanted to check in with you guys, I used to post here quite a lot and haven't really been back since before the summer. Sadly things have been getting worse and worse for me recently but I have FINALLY, after five years of struggling on my own, made an appointment to see a doctor in just over a week. Can anyone give me an idea of what to expect? I'm not very hopeful to be honest.

Really hope you guys are all doing well xxxx
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jazzykinks
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#5057
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I do see your point Toto, and Cinnie, I know its irrational and tbh when i posted that was in a pretty panicky faze (is that a word?! And this is the 1st anon btw.) It did come across harshly to me, understandably so and to your intention of course. I think partially because it's always been my mother, and back in the day the ED consultant always going on, and on about periods that it just began to wash over me. Whilst I suppose Toto, due to what happened to your ex you perhaps feel stronger than someone else would about this matter, and rightly so! Ironically, I feel incredibly strongly too about smoking which is very prevalent amongst those around me at uni and was at college, having lost 5 members of my family to it so I see where you are coming from, even though I still can't 'logically' think about menstruation in this way!
Spoiler:
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Obviously this is irrational, and distorted, but not having them became 'normal' for me, as because I'd had primary and not secondary amenorrhea as with most cases I'd never really got used to the idea. For the past two years i've been at a bmi of 18-20 but not having a regular period, in a really stupid and admittedly wrong way, despite being a 'normal' weight was I understand now, a sort of subconscious clinging on to what had been a major part of my life, (at times really the ONLY defining feature of my life) for 10years. It didn't help either that certain, lets say, influential people around me in the past year or two (obviously not doctors!) have basically said "Oh, its okay not to have your period, you can still get pregnant, happens to lots of people and nothing to worry about." This was in a sports background (dodgy sounding with an ED I know, but this was after restarting before uni a sport I enjoyed before onset of my ed, that unfortunately had to give up as a result) and unfortunately many of these girls I train with now don't menstruate, and its interpreted as something 'desirable'. Hence the confusion and totally messed up mixed up feelings about it all.

But thanks, all the same, for a voice helping to bring things back into perspective a bit. As i think Jazzykinks posted some while back, my uni, though not Exeter, has a visibly high prevalence of ed's, which does distort things in your head even more.
When you're surrounded by 'perfect' looking people, it can be hard. I know many girls that can not physically be having periods, but just because it's the majority doesn't mean it's healthy.

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The nature of the contraceptive pill means I don't have periods but obviously my BMI is high enough for me to do so. I recently had a pregnancy scare. Initially I was a bit shocked because I never thought it was a possibility, whereas now it really was quite likely that I was pregnant. I was tempted to think 'oh crap, I'm fat'...but you know what? It's a normal ability of the female body. I embraced it -- it meant that I was healthy enough to have another life grow inside me. That's how you need to think of it. Periods are the norm. That means your body is strong enough to support both you and potentially another life.

Toto did come across very harshly, perhaps because of his ex, but the essence of what he said is right.
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jazzykinks
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#5058
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(Original post by diamonddust)
^ Oh God, Exeter has a lot of EDs? It's my (tentative- I haven't visited yet and I'm not sure about leaving London) first choice and I think it might be hellish if I can't go anywhere without seeing visibly ill people.
Hey dear yes, unfortunately. I'm trying to set up a no-pressure ED group but our sponsors are being rubbish and dragging their heels. There are a lot of unhealthily thin girls here and I attacked the gym for their negligence. However, despite being surrounded by it, I've never had the desire to relapse or compete with them. You'll be okay and I'm always here if you need to talk about it! x
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Anonymous #146
#5059
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#5059
What do you need in order to set up a grout, what are you hoping your sponsors will give you?
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Moonburp
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#5060
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Lancaster University's counselling service don't have the foggiest when it comes to EDs. I had to give my counsellor leaflets for SRSH and a nearby specialist to them, rather than the other way round. Tackling third year as well as trying to beat anorexia has been such an effort, but I'm still managing to get top marks despite it, so that's helping me feel more positive about life. Glad to find there's such a supportive discussion thread on TSR.
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