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    • #134
    #134

    I wish so badly I could walk into the kitchen, in front of everyone, and just have a meal. But it is so terrifying. The kitchen is never empty, and my anxiety is through the roof, and really not helping. I've lost 1.5 stone in a month and a bit, and I know it's just because I am terrified of letting them see me eat. I wish I was normal.
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    OMG :'( So one of my friends just chatted me saying she really wants to be skinny for our holiday, which of course really triggered me, and now my best friend who knows everything is having a go at me because I talked about it. Its not fair. She says I cant ever diet again but I don't know if I can deal with that right now I feel like without this there's nothing!
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    Hello my lovelies. I just want to write something regarding Christmas and anxiety about it.

    Christmas is a time to spend with loved ones and really celebrate something that causes the whole world to unite. It is a beautiful day full of giving and generosity. You give gifts to your nearest and dearest as a token of affection. Maybe you should give yourself a gift and give yourselves a break? Honestly, when I was anorexic, Christmas was the day where all my problems just evaporated and I just enjoyed myself wholeheartedly. I know it's hard to do this, but it would be the best presents you could ever give your loved ones -- if they saw you guys just enjoying yourselves and not giving into the ED, even for one day.

    Stay strong guys. I know it's hard. I know. It does get easier in time. As Toto said, an extra mince pie won't kill you, even if it seems like the end of the world -- that's the magic of an ED. It irrationally convinces you that eating something will kill you or cause you to balloon. It's REALLY not the case. There is life beyond an ED and life beyond it -- fully recovered -- doesn't mean you'll be fat or anything. You can be healthy and enjoy yourself too.

    You're all in my thoughts. x
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    Jazzykinks - that's such a lovely thing to read, thankyou

    This ED is getting to me more and more. On friday my outreach worker, a mental health nurse, said that she thinks i should go to an inpatient unit over christmas. She's going to talk to my psychiatrist at camhs and i'll find out this week what he thinks. I'm scared. I know it'll be good because I need to recover to get to uni - I've just had my interview at cambridge and I have three other offers, I could be doing what I love next year. BUT I still don't think I'm thin enough and I don't want to eat. I'm really trying to stop self harming but I can't stop the ED too. Inpatient might be a good idea but I won't know a single person, I'll be the biggest person there, I'll have to eat soooo much, and I'll miss christmas with my family. I just don't know what to do :/
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    Honestly don't know what I would do without this thread :/ literally struggling so much at the min, my best friend wants me to get help but I can't do it and I totally get the above poster, I am currently having interviews for Uni next year ... I don't want to be like this but I can't see a way out ... At the minute the irrational part of me is winning , the bit that wants to be at Uni not for the course but for being able to do what I want when it comes to eating


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    • #145
    #145

    (Original post by Nooshkabob)
    Jazzykinks - that's such a lovely thing to read, thankyou

    This ED is getting to me more and more. On friday my outreach worker, a mental health nurse, said that she thinks i should go to an inpatient unit over christmas. She's going to talk to my psychiatrist at camhs and i'll find out this week what he thinks. I'm scared. I know it'll be good because I need to recover to get to uni - I've just had my interview at cambridge and I have three other offers, I could be doing what I love next year. BUT I still don't think I'm thin enough and I don't want to eat. I'm really trying to stop self harming but I can't stop the ED too. Inpatient might be a good idea but I won't know a single person, I'll be the biggest person there, I'll have to eat soooo much, and I'll miss christmas with my family. I just don't know what to do :/
    Trust me, whatever you think you will NOT be the biggest there; due to the cost and quite frankly negative environment surrounded by other ill people inpatient units are usually a last resort for those who are very ill and not progressing in outpatient treatment. There will also be some people there at later stages of their programme that will be close to target weight so if anything you will be one of the thinnest there! Your outreach worker must be very worried about you, and if your bloods aren't looking good (for example, low electrolytes or white blood cells, both of which I had at one point) itmay literally be physically unsafe for you to be at home.
    I know its so so hard to do this but put things in perspective; next year you may have the chance to attennd one of the best universities in the world, and you're going to let that slip to be stuck on a locked hospital ward? Maybe inpatient may be a good thing though, as it kind of removes all choice from you and whereas as outpatient I could always shirk some elements of my 'recovery', my expeirence in hospital made me see what I never ever wanted to go through again ,what a waste of life it was.
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    Absolutely. I did things the hard way; when I was at BMI 14 they were absolutely sure they were hospitalising me. I was jaundiced and had liver and kidney failure. Only when the doctor said "your body is actually in a state of last legs euphoria..." "...you have maybe one, two months, if you're lucky, at this rate."

    That scared me so much that I spent two weeks in the hospital to get me out of super-alarm state, then like a total idiot, signed myself out. At that point I was still dying but thought I knew better. Id seen myself gain mere pounds, forgot that I WAS ACTUALLY AT DEATH'S DOOR, and let my ED persuade me I could self-treat. In the end I sneakily started tricking myself and others, started letting my illness dictate things again. I look back and hate what a disgusting, deceitful little **** I was to trick everyone into thinking I was trying to NOT DIE, GAIN WEIGHT, GET BETTER. I ended back in hospital and asked to get out yet again, but this time, my dad said "if you come out this time, you sure as hell better try, because you know if I outlive you, it won't be for longer than a day."

    In the end I did come out, it took a brassy therapist named Annette to realise I'm a very driven individual who thrives on challenge... She said, "Fair enough, get better, don't get better... I still get paid. Put it this way, I know people who have been coming here for ten years and make the same excuses every time why they haven't gained weight or tried to crack anything. Maybe I don't think you can do it either, but I suppose you can either prove me wrong, or we can get to know each other, and excuses each week, very well over the next decade."

    I was enraged and desperate to prove her wrong. She was right. I saw the people that attended her practice and at first, honestly... I wanted to be "in competition" to look more ill than them. What a ****Ing moronic notion. But it clicked. I would have my life back and they would still be stuck in that bubble... AND I got to take Annette's challenge and prove her wrong.

    I didn't want to be the best anorexic. Because to be the best anorexic, you have to end up dead by it.

    I wanted to be the best at recovering!!


    So I plugged and plugged, stomped my vicious ED day by day. And though it still cripples me, I continue to run full speed through the pain. Xx
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    finally got to start the book I've had sat on my bookshelf teasing me for the past month. A bit disappointed as it looked really good, but it's so triggery...
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    (Original post by Nooshkabob)
    Jazzykinks - that's such a lovely thing to read, thankyou

    This ED is getting to me more and more. On friday my outreach worker, a mental health nurse, said that she thinks i should go to an inpatient unit over christmas. She's going to talk to my psychiatrist at camhs and i'll find out this week what he thinks. I'm scared. I know it'll be good because I need to recover to get to uni - I've just had my interview at cambridge and I have three other offers, I could be doing what I love next year. BUT I still don't think I'm thin enough and I don't want to eat. I'm really trying to stop self harming but I can't stop the ED too. Inpatient might be a good idea but I won't know a single person, I'll be the biggest person there, I'll have to eat soooo much, and I'll miss christmas with my family. I just don't know what to do :/
    Thank you

    If they're considering hospitalising you at Christmas, that means that it is serious and you really are critical. At the end of the day, they don't want someone to miss Christmas with their family. However, it may be necessary for you to do this so that you have a chance at a better future. If you want to get to uni and fulfill the potential that you have, you're going to have to take this step. You won't be the biggest person there.
    Spoiler:
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    I thought I would be when I was hospitalised and I was actually the smallest person there; even the other girls on the ED program were looking at me in horror.
    x
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    Okay so...I don't know if I'm allowed to do this here but I thought I'd share my story. it isn't as emotional as some peoples on here, but i wanted to type it out.

    I'm currently in year 13, but When I was in year 9 I weighed a lot, like I was definitely overweight, and I hated myself for it. I didn't understand how everyone else was so skinny and I was so fat. In my household everyone is a bit round, but my mom is always pushing diet plans and exercise routines, to try and help us lose some weight. One of them just went too far. She started us onb this diet where you eat for 5 days of the week and fast for two, any two. So I thought i'd give it a try. I expected it to be harder, more difficult, but I found that the more I thought about getting skinny, getting rid of the intensely revolting amount of fat on my body, the more I wanted to fast, so I moved from fasting two days, to fasting three and so on. It got to a point where3 I was never eating breakfast, breakfast was sinful, and definitely not lunch, because then other people would see me eat, would judge me for it, for stuffing food in my face when I so clearly didn't deserve it. I was only eating dinner when my mom made me, and that often came a long with a speech about how I was beautiful and needed to eat more to stay healthy, or my dad asking if i was starving myself. I thought it was completely ridiculous, of course I wasn't, it was just a harmless little diet, I still had so much fat in me to live off of, it couldn't do any harm. But then of course, it got even worse. People were getting to be concerned, asking me to eat more and more often, threatening to drag me to a doctor if I didn't, so i started eating when i was nagged about it. But i couldn't, and still can't, stand the feel of not being hungry, i couldn't stand the weight of food in my stomach, so i turned to purging, every day, every time i ate something, until blood and bile was the only thing i ever brought up, and my knuckles were sore and red and scarred. Nowadays I've gotten a bit better with it, its not as frequent, but i still feel so happy when im hungry and even when it gets to being lightheaded because i havent eaten in so long i feel so light im flying. im still nowhere near the weight id like to be, and im doing the "wrong" things less and less, but every day i just feel the urge to go back to doing it more, i feel the NEED to do so...its been a long struggle, and ive only recently cut down on how much i purge...

    so yeah, sorry about my rambling, i just needed to get this out
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Absolutely. I did things the hard way; when I was at BMI 14 they were absolutely sure they were hospitalising me. I was jaundiced and had liver and kidney failure. Only when the doctor said "your body is actually in a state of last legs euphoria..." "...you have maybe one, two months, if you're lucky, at this rate."

    That scared me so much that I spent two weeks in the hospital to get me out of super-alarm state, then like a total idiot, signed myself out. At that point I was still dying but thought I knew better. Id seen myself gain mere pounds, forgot that I WAS ACTUALLY AT DEATH'S DOOR, and let my ED persuade me I could self-treat. In the end I sneakily started tricking myself and others, started letting my illness dictate things again. I look back and hate what a disgusting, deceitful little **** I was to trick everyone into thinking I was trying to NOT DIE, GAIN WEIGHT, GET BETTER. I ended back in hospital and asked to get out yet again, but this time, my dad said "if you come out this time, you sure as hell better try, because you know if I outlive you, it won't be for longer than a day."

    In the end I did come out, it took a brassy therapist named Annette to realise I'm a very driven individual who thrives on challenge... She said, "Fair enough, get better, don't get better... I still get paid. Put it this way, I know people who have been coming here for ten years and make the same excuses every time why they haven't gained weight or tried to crack anything. Maybe I don't think you can do it either, but I suppose you can either prove me wrong, or we can get to know each other, and excuses each week, very well over the next decade."

    I was enraged and desperate to prove her wrong. She was right. I saw the people that attended her practice and at first, honestly... I wanted to be "in competition" to look more ill than them. What a ****Ing moronic notion. But it clicked. I would have my life back and they would still be stuck in that bubble... AND I got to take Annette's challenge and prove her wrong.

    I didn't want to be the best anorexic. Because to be the best anorexic, you have to end up dead by it.

    I wanted to be the best at recovering!!


    So I plugged and plugged, stomped my vicious ED day by day. And though it still cripples me, I continue to run full speed through the pain. Xx
    I'm reposting this morning's comment to hammer the message home.

    After speaking this afternoon with a girl who believed her ED was "too strong" and that "no words can change that", it really made me desperate to force this message across;

    YOUR EATING DISORDER IS A FIGMENT, A MANIFESTATION, OF YOUR OWN THOUGHT. It is NOT a literal demon, a PHYSICAL disease with form. IT IS ONLY AS STRONG AS YOU ALLOW IT TO BE.

    It is like believing that ONE PLUS ONE IS TWO, but TWO PLUS TWO EQUALS PANCAKE. No matter how many times someone tells you that the second statement is absolutely stupid or absurd, nor even knowing YOURSELF how stupid is sounds, you somehow always still stick to it and believe it regardless. But the truth is, only YOU can choose to NOT believe that any more.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I'm reposting this morning's comment to hammer the message home.

    After speaking this afternoon with a girl who believed her ED was "too strong" and that "no words can change that", it really made me desperate to force this message across;

    YOUR EATING DISORDER IS A FIGMENT, A MANIFESTATION, OF YOUR OWN THOUGHT. It is NOT a literal demon, a PHYSICAL disease with form. IT IS ONLY AS STRONG AS YOU ALLOW IT TO BE.

    It is like believing that ONE PLUS ONE IS TWO, but TWO PLUS TWO EQUALS PANCAKE. No matter how many times someone tells you that the second statement is absolutely stupid or absurd, nor even knowing YOURSELF how stupid is sounds, you somehow always still stick to it and believe it regardless. But the truth is, only YOU can choose to NOT believe that any more.
    I 100% get what you are saying. At the same time I dont know who I am without it. Getting better panics me I think I know i need help now but I am too scared to get it :/
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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    I 100% get what you are saying. At the same time I dont know who I am without it. Getting better panics me I think I know i need help now but I am too scared to get it :/
    i totally understand what you mean, i dont know who i am without it
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    (Original post by vicky8761)
    i totally understand what you mean, i dont know who i am without it
    Its horrible.. my best friend tells me if i carry on i will die. its like i cant live with it, but i cant live without it. I tried eating and being normal a couple of weeks ago and it led to me cutting fat all over my body and feeling the most suicidal i have ever felt :'(
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    Eating disorders often play into a "Peter Pan Syndrome" your way of never having to deal with the thought of growing up and accepting your adult life and responsibility. I can vouch this is true; when in the"bubble", it is a perfect shield, a perfect excuse for accepting to grow up and face an adult existence, choosing instead to indulge an arbitrary set of "safe" rules instead.
    • #152
    #152

    Hello everyone, I've been lurking around here for quite a while now and I thought that I may as well post as I'm finding it a massive struggle in beating Anorexia Nervosa. I hope you don't mind a bit of a life story (spoilered due to risk of triggering), but I feel like I just want to say it out loud.



    Spoiler:
    Show
    I'm a 5 foot 11 17 year old male from South Wales who is (well, I'll come onto that later) studying for his A levels. I was always a bit of a loner who was bullied constantly from multiple sources in school, with one of the reasons being my obese weight and my low self esteem. I could go on all day about it, but I'll try and stick to the point.

    In September 2011 I was starting AS levels after a lonely and boring summer. My weight had risen to 16 stone 5 and I was deeply unhappy with myself. Returning to school I was deeply unhappy with how I was compared to everyone else, and I decided to finally do something about it. I began restricting food intake and exercising, allowing myself two slices of toast for breakfast with one glass of apple juice, a banana for lunch on a 'good' day, and a piece of fish or chicken with beans in the evening, filling myself up on water. Alongside this I began doing 1 – 2 hours running on the spot in my free periods from sixth form at home. Soon the weight began dropping off at around 4lbs a week. Unlike in normal dieting where it slows after a few weeks, this rate didn't, and by December 2011 I had dropped to 12st 8lbs. My parents were extremely concerned, yet I chose to ignore them in favour of the 'voice'. My bullying had calmed down in school, and some were praising me for my losses; but I wasn't happy. A sign something was wrong was when I went on a geography field trip to a river in that month,where in the snow and freezing water, on 300 calories that day the inevitable happened, and I collapsed into the river. Yet I didn't take this as a sign that something was seriously wrong. Over Christmas week last year when everyone was enjoying themselves, I was out exercising in the morning on brisk walks in the cold, and restricting to soups in the day, dropping another 2lbs over the week.



    This pattern continued to April where I closely restricted, and carefully 'rationed' out food such as chocolates for my birthday. Once again my diet had changed, with lunch now being a salad and a slice of bread and meat for lunch, and a small dinner. Apart from 2 glasses of skimmed milk in the morning (and obsession), I took no liquid calories, even when it was obvious my blood sugar levels were low. Yet a consequence of my hobby that requires a lot of physical energy, carrying heavy photography equipment around hills for up to 10 hours a day, a consequence was that on these days I tended to 'binge' as I put it, though looking back in hindsight even then they only came to around 2400 calories. But the next day I would feel awful from it, and I would restrict heavily. Then in April from the first week I locked myself inside the house revising for my AS levels, apart from an hour long brisk walk in the morning to satisfy the 'voice'. I revised solidly for 10 hours a day, not allowing myself breaks, with the consequence that my concentration was terrible, I had problems remembering things and I was deeply unhappy. I was withdrawn from all my friends and I was terrified of piling on weight from no activity.


    After the exams my depression was terrible. I didn't want to be around anyone, spending as little time in school as was possible. My diet was changed again, as I began replacing more 'solid' foods with low calorie vegetables. I spent a lot of time researching food and nutritional information, basically with the sole intention of scaring myself off certain foods, until in the end my fat, carbohydrate, sugar and salt intakes were as low as I could get them. This summer I only saw one friend, who isn't even from my school. I lost all tolerance for the people around me, and wanted little to do with them. When I went on holiday to Portugal I was constantly worried about my food intake and exercise level, only really eating salads and fresh fish. On my first holiday abroad I spent the evenings wandering around an area of a country where I couldn't speak the language and didn't know anyone to be away from my family and sink back into my thoughts. When I had my AS levels back I had AAB, the B in my favourite subject history was only five marks off an A in what I can only say was a horrible exam, and despite the fact I had the highest in the school, even higher than someone who went to Oxford to study history several years back. Yet I felt worthless because of it; the one subject I enjoy the most and I thought I was crap at it, causing my depression to worsen.


    By September I felt rock bottom. I frequently felt suicidal, I was fatigued, melancholic, withdrawn and suffered concentration. I didn't want to be with friends in school, with some seaming to realise something was seriously wrong with me, although they could have put it better than 'why have you lost more weight, just eating a McDonalds'! It was all becoming too much for me, and I spent evenings crying on my own. It was only then I decided to ask for help. My father was extremely concerned about me, and he quickly got me to the doctors. In the meeting she was vague about details, but said she would put a CAMHS referral in for me, which was dated for December 4th! All the time I was getting worse, with more suicidal thoughts, and I felt close to fainting frequently as I continued to restrict heavily. We told the school and they provided a councillor for me, and put in another CAMHS referral. Yet still the appointment wasn't brought forward despite 2 more visits to the GP and more referrals. It was only after a very bad depressive episode after work experience in October half term that we basically contacted CAMHS directly. They finally brought the date forward. Then in November I had a breakdown in school, and I was withdrawn from school, and have been since then.


    When I went for a meeting with them I spent double the allocated time with them, and they brought in a doctor from a meeting as they were concerned with my symptoms. I was showing signs of severe starvation, my weight 9 stone 3, my blood pressure very low and showing signs of damage to my body. At the follow up meeting I lost another pound and the doctor basically said looking at my daily intake I was taking around 900 calories on average, and that if I lost another pound by the following week he would have no choice but to section me over Christmas. Yet only then did someone finally say to me you have Anorexia Nervosa (and OCD, anxiety and depression). That scare I'm trying to use as the force for change for me. I still count calories and mostly only eat vegetables, complex carbohydrates and lean protein, but I have forced myself through planning to eat 1500 – 2000kcal daily. I'm on prozac to treat the depression, anxiety and OCD, yet I've only just realised how much my life has been impacted by it. My concentration has gone, I'm tired, I haven't seen friends in weeks, I've got no chance of sitting the January exams, meaning I'll have to do them in the summer and risk not going to York or Exeter where I really want to study history. When everyone was in the first sixth form party in a year on Saturday, I was at home worried about the calorie count of an extra glass of milk! It would be funny if it wasn't real


    I feel like I'm struggling to get better. I know I have to eat, but I don't know how much as it turns out there are only 2 dieticians for the whole of the second largest health board in Wales; although I'm now receiving weekly CAMHS meetings, and awaiting physical test results today. I'm panicking about my forced uptake and feel isolated. There seems to be few places a 17 year old male with AN can turn to for help


    Thank you for reading this, and I wish everyone on this thread the best in beating this horrible illness that only seeks to ruin your life
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    Do any of you guys get random bouts of lightheadedness/dizziness?

    Keep getting these weird sensations, happens in the most absurd situations and disrupts what I might be doing..
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by cowsforsale)
    Do any of you guys get random bouts of lightheadedness/dizziness?

    Keep getting these weird sensations, happens in the most absurd situations and disrupts what I might be doing..
    yes. It's particularly bad in labs, but thats because it's so hot in there.
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    Hi Anon,

    How do you overcome them? Do you know why it happens?
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    (Original post by cowsforsale)
    Hi Anon,

    How do you overcome them? Do you know why it happens?
    :/ that anon was me. Drink more water, wear the bare minimum in labs and have a bag of jelly babies in my locker.
 
 
 
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