Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. Watch

    • #102
    #102

    Urgh I forgot to do the end spoiler. That's embarrasing...
    • #154
    #154

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Spoiler because it's long. To summarise, I know how you feel

    [spoiler]
    Hi, I thought I'd post because I really understand you (I think), and I've been there. When I was overweight, I had these feelings and I still do. The desire to get so sickly thin that people on the outside see how you are feeling on the inside, to ruin your body and to be living death. I want it so badly it makes me cry, and it's all I think about for a lot of the time. I did the starving, and got myself into a binge-restrict cycle for two years. I wasted two years on this bull****. I lost my period, was cold all the time, messed up my grades, alienated myself from family and realised pretty soon that I had no friends. The smaller I got, the more I convinced myself that it wouldn't matter when I was thin, because people at BMI 20 aren't ill at all anyway. I'm forcing myself to eat at least 2500 calories a day now, because I'm fed up. It's so freaking hard and I never want to get out of bed, and every time I gain some weight I tell myself I'll do it again soon. I will be thin, maybe after exams, maybe when I start university, but I will get ill (I'm hoping by then I won't want to). I know what you mean because you feel insane for wanting it so much.

    My advice to you is to
    1. never ever ever diet. You will get caught up. You may become Anorexic, Bulimic, EDNOS, whatever, but you understand that you are on the Restrictive Eating Disorder Spectrum, so you know that it is dangerous. Just like someone with epilepsy can't drive, or someone with diabetes can't eat loads of sugar when they want, you can't diet. It will be hard, but you have to accept it. You can have a healthy lifestyle, but you can't deliberately restrict your intake with the aim of losing weight. If you want I can put your mind at ease about being overweight, I have loads of info on that.
    2. tell someone, anyone about these feelings. Get them out and maybe you'll get rid of them. If you go to uni, check out the mental health services, or go to your GP, or school counsellor. It is a mental disturbance and it can be changed, so please, please try.

    Quote me if you have any questions xx
    I will get this spoiler thing right this time! (I done the same as you earlier haha)

    Spoiler:
    Show

    This! I have actually spent hours before just looking at pictures of anorexic people and wishing that was me! And then I sit thinking I must be ****ing crazy to be thinking like this yet I really want it.

    I've never mentioned this to anyone IRL, cause I feel like people will think I'm cuckoo in the head. The only other person who I spoke to was from here, and tbh since then we've hardly spoken :/.

    I just don't know what to do to change how I feel about it.

    • #102
    #102

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I will get this spoiler thing right this time! (I done the same as you earlier haha)

    Spoiler:
    Show

    This! I have actually spent hours before just looking at pictures of anorexic people and wishing that was me! And then I sit thinking I must be ****ing crazy to be thinking like this yet I really want it.

    I've never mentioned this to anyone IRL, cause I feel like people will think I'm cuckoo in the head. The only other person who I spoke to was from here, and tbh since then we've hardly spoken :/.

    I just don't know what to do to change how I feel about it.

    *sigh* I've never been any good at this technology business. You'd think that an 18 year old would be great at bloody typing a few things!

    Spoiler:
    Show
    I suppose it's difficult for those who don't understand it, but I think you need to try. Whatever made you come on here and ask for help, summon some more of it and use it to get help in the real world, because there is only so much we can say or do. These thoughts are poison, and I can tell you for a fact that they only get stronger as you follow what they want you to do. I don't know how to change it either, I wish I could switch it off. I don't want to want to be thin, but I can't help wanting to be thin. I can't give you a solution to make it go forever, but I'm still figuring that out for myself. For me at the moment, it's helpful to make a list of what I have now that I wouldn't have if I was losing weight.
    - My love for science completely vanished, and now it's back! I watch documentaries and google biology stuff on saturday mornings again!
    - I'm starting to get good grades again
    - I have several groups of people that resemble friends and possibly want to spend time with me
    - I am not constantly angry or sad or confused. I feel emotions within reason
    - I was warm today. Actually warm!
    - My mum doesn't look at me sadly because I leave without breakfast/am going to the gym again
    - I don't spend my time either on the scale, in the bath, on my exercise bike or in bed
    - I still don't get hunger cues, and I'm looking forward to their return, but I eat. I eat when other people eat, and what other people eat
    - Lie ins because I don't exercise early
    - I can walk upstairs without forgetting to breathe
    - Period is still MIA, but when it comes back, it will feel that I'm finally normal
    - I'm not wasting my thoughts and my life any more. I no longer remember events by the food I ate, I remember them by the fun stuff that happened

    I would suggest making a list yourself of all the things that you've not done because you've wasted time thinking about this. Write down WHY you think you are thinking this. I've given it a lot of thought, and I think mine stems from a desire to be cared for and I guess not to grow up. I feel like I need people to tell me to eat, cook my meals, sit with me and make sure I eat them, make rules. I've never had rules in my childhood.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    What anon describes is ironically one of the later, most difficult parts of anorexia RECOVERY!

    One of the hardest parts for some anorexics is when the body starts to gain weight and recover, but the mind is still horribly afflicted. You feel you are no longer "deserving" of the illness; you feel fraudulent, like you should have to tell everyone you see "I'm anorexic, honestly!" because they'd never tell simply by looking at you any longer.

    Truth is, whatever weight you are, you are still capable and susceptible to having anorexia nervosa. You're 7 stone, 17 stones, whatever; anorexia is a disease of THE MIND. X
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I was finally diagnosed with anorexia on Monday after struggling with disordered eating for the last five years. I'm in my second year at uni and arriving home late this Sunday just in time for Christmas. I've lost a significant amount of weight since I last saw my family and I don't know if they'll mention it, but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I need to tell my mum. Can anyone give me any advice on how to approach it?
    • #132
    #132

    (Original post by sentiment)
    I was finally diagnosed with anorexia on Monday after struggling with disordered eating for the last five years. I'm in my second year at uni and arriving home late this Sunday just in time for Christmas. I've lost a significant amount of weight since I last saw my family and I don't know if they'll mention it, but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I need to tell my mum. Can anyone give me any advice on how to approach it?
    they will mention it dude. All i've heard from family/ teachers is 'you're wasting away, are you eating properly???' since I got back, and i swear I haven't lost that much weight.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    they will mention it dude. All i've heard from family/ teachers is 'you're wasting away, are you eating properly???' since I got back, and i swear I haven't lost that much weight.
    in which case, i guess, how do i deal with that?
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    Guys, found this on the internet, thought some of you might like it/ find it interesting. http://www.moodscope.com/welcome
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by sentiment)
    in which case, i guess, how do i deal with that?
    bugger knows. I'm not. I've gone for the hide under huge hoodies and hope noone notices method. That last anon was me...
    • #154
    #154

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    *sigh* I've never been any good at this technology business. You'd think that an 18 year old would be great at bloody typing a few things!

    Spoiler:
    Show
    I suppose it's difficult for those who don't understand it, but I think you need to try. Whatever made you come on here and ask for help, summon some more of it and use it to get help in the real world, because there is only so much we can say or do. These thoughts are poison, and I can tell you for a fact that they only get stronger as you follow what they want you to do. I don't know how to change it either, I wish I could switch it off. I don't want to want to be thin, but I can't help wanting to be thin. I can't give you a solution to make it go forever, but I'm still figuring that out for myself. For me at the moment, it's helpful to make a list of what I have now that I wouldn't have if I was losing weight.
    - My love for science completely vanished, and now it's back! I watch documentaries and google biology stuff on saturday mornings again!
    - I'm starting to get good grades again
    - I have several groups of people that resemble friends and possibly want to spend time with me
    - I am not constantly angry or sad or confused. I feel emotions within reason
    - I was warm today. Actually warm!
    - My mum doesn't look at me sadly because I leave without breakfast/am going to the gym again
    - I don't spend my time either on the scale, in the bath, on my exercise bike or in bed
    - I still don't get hunger cues, and I'm looking forward to their return, but I eat. I eat when other people eat, and what other people eat
    - Lie ins because I don't exercise early
    - I can walk upstairs without forgetting to breathe
    - Period is still MIA, but when it comes back, it will feel that I'm finally normal
    - I'm not wasting my thoughts and my life any more. I no longer remember events by the food I ate, I remember them by the fun stuff that happened

    I would suggest making a list yourself of all the things that you've not done because you've wasted time thinking about this. Write down WHY you think you are thinking this. I've given it a lot of thought, and I think mine stems from a desire to be cared for and I guess not to grow up. I feel like I need people to tell me to eat, cook my meals, sit with me and make sure I eat them, make rules. I've never had rules in my childhood.
    Spoiler:
    Show

    I know thinking like this is so wrong. Even right now... I'm hungry but there's something stopping me from going downstairs and making some toast. I can just hear my mum's voice saying "she has no self-control, look at her..." And I so want to prove her wrong by actually staying put. And to top it all off currently reading articles about anorexia and oh how I wish it were me *sigh*

    I really need to snap out of this....
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    bugger knows. I'm not. I've gone for the hide under huge hoodies and hope noone notices method. That last anon was me...
    sorry to hear you're not doing well snowflake

    i was thinking about the 'hide under huge clothes' method too...to be honest the only motivation i have for telling my mum at this stage is so that i don't have to eat as much in the five days i'm at home because i desperately don't want to gain. it just doesn't feel right that there's something so huge going on in my life and my mum doesn't know about it...i've been in and out of the hospital this week having bloods and an ECG and so on done and at the end of the day i talk to my mum and she asks what i've been doing and i just say 'oh you know, just working' and it's horrible
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    I honestly hope you didn't ignore that last post I made, anon.

    you are ill. You are suffering the illness REGARDLESS of size or stature.
    • #154
    #154

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I honestly hope you didn't ignore that last post I made, anon.

    you are ill. You are suffering the illness REGARDLESS of size or stature.
    Oh sorry, didn't realise that was aimed at me. This anon thing is actually quite confusing I have no idea whose referring to who half the time

    Spoiler:
    Show


    I agree with you to an extent.. I am sick in the head for actually wanting this. You know, I actually hate myself for wanting this so much. For wanting to be so freaking skinny and to prove people wrong. All my friends at uni are all stick thin, guess what? I'm the fat one. And I hate it, yet I hate the way I think about wanting this illness "anorexia".

    I just hate everything right now :cry:.. Exams coming up, weight, my mum bugging me day in and day out, health problems.. I hate it all!

    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by sentiment)
    sorry to hear you're not doing well snowflake

    i was thinking about the 'hide under huge clothes' method too...to be honest the only motivation i have for telling my mum at this stage is so that i don't have to eat as much in the five days i'm at home because i desperately don't want to gain. it just doesn't feel right that there's something so huge going on in my life and my mum doesn't know about it...i've been in and out of the hospital this week having bloods and an ECG and so on done and at the end of the day i talk to my mum and she asks what i've been doing and i just say 'oh you know, just working' and it's horrible
    -cuddles-. I still feel so exhausted to the point i seem only motivated to revise every other day...
    • #152
    #152

    Spoiler:
    Show


    Just need to vent this.

    Had two CAMHS meetings over the past two days. They took my weight yesterday and it has gone up by 0.5kg, although they think if anything I haven't put on any, just stabalised, and my blood pressure was even lower than last week. Then today had my first appointment with the dieticians. They basically said how my improved eating was still more like someone who was dieting, that it was clearly too heavily based around vegetables and that seemed to suggest in effect that it was too healthy, and that it was clear that I'm not enjoying hardly anything that I eat (and I agree to an extent, cottage cheese on its own can barely be described as nice). They noticed the lack of hot meals in my diet, and said it was crucial that I have at least one hot meal a day, and hot drinks. Then they said that despite the fact it has helped me double my intake to 1800 calories from 900, I need to stop writing down everything that I eat, and to only be weighed in the hospital, not at home; with an aim to eventually put on around a stone and three quarters.

    I've got my first appointment with the dietetic support worker next Friday, and will be having a meal plan in the new year. Until then they said I need to try and eat similarly to the rest of my family, and have at least one hot meal a day. I don't know why but I just nodded in agreement and said to my mother I'll have a hot chocolate after my meeting with the support worker, and I'll have a small pizza for dinner. I only really agreed as she said in the afternoon we could go to Caerphilly, and I thought I would have a chance to burn off calories. In the end we ended up not going, and I don't feel like I can allow myself something I want, and I just feel like I'm waiting for next week when I'll pile it on (I said I'll have a normal Christmas Day to everyone, and I'm determind to follow it; I won't let AN ruin something I've been looking forward to). I was honest and said I don't feel like I can manage a small pizza for dinner to her because of the lack of activity, and that I saw a photo of the old obese me, and she basically had a go saying I'm not trying hard enough, and I don't see what I'm putting everyone else through. I basically snapped back and shouted and had a go at her, and I feel absolutely awful

    Why does this disorder seek to ruin everything. Even with that small pizza I still would only manage 2070 calories today, and I'm certainly not in a place to worry about that as I know that I burn around 2200 just doing day to day house activities. More so it's ruining the rest of my family, and I feel awful for it My mother is saying I don't know what I'm putting them through, but I think the enormous guilt for putting them through it seems to be maintain it at the moment. I just feel so angry at myself, saying I can change, but don't feel strong enough to

    Thanks for reading, I just needed to say it out loud somewhere.

    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I press preview to make sure the spoilers are working, and then forget to take off anonymously, urgh :mad: Last anon (152) was me when it appears. Still I will try and have what I said I would have originally, and not give in to the ED's safe options of veg and fish. I just feel upset that people don't realise how difficult it is for me to change, and that I feel as if I've already ruined my family's Christmas

    I'm basically just wondering how do you stop it taking control of you when you're trying to change?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Weigh in morning. Another gain. Boom
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    this might sound really stupid but i wonder if anyone has any suggestions. i've got a really close friend who knows how badly i'm struggling at the moment but we're a long way apart so i don't get to see him very often. he keeps asking me how he can help and i honestly don't know what to say to him. i feel like he's blaming himself for me being so ill and i'm pretty sure when i spoke to him on the phone this evening that he was crying when he hung up. is there anything anyone can suggest that he could do to help me or at least feel a little bit less helpless?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by sentiment)
    this might sound really stupid but i wonder if anyone has any suggestions. i've got a really close friend who knows how badly i'm struggling at the moment but we're a long way apart so i don't get to see him very often. he keeps asking me how he can help and i honestly don't know what to say to him. i feel like he's blaming himself for me being so ill and i'm pretty sure when i spoke to him on the phone this evening that he was crying when he hung up. is there anything anyone can suggest that he could do to help me or at least feel a little bit less helpless?
    Sounds like he cares about you a lot. Don't blame yourself for him being upset though, you're not intending to do that to anyone. You're not well. All I would say is the best way to help him is by doing the best you can to help yourself. X
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    Sounds like he cares about you a lot. Don't blame yourself for him being upset though, you're not intending to do that to anyone. You're not well. All I would say is the best way to help him is by doing the best you can to help yourself. X
    Thank you for this, I think you're right x
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: October 31, 2015
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Would you rather give up salt or pepper?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Write a reply...
    Reply
    Hide
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.