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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    I think I'm closest to Smoosh in terms of my body dysmorphia, although dysmorphia in general is a very, very general term encompassing such a HUGE range of issues.

    I don't think I'm "fat", as such. But I do see "fat bits". I scrutinise heavily. The more I look at my body, say in the mirror, the heavier I scrutinise. I become hypnotised by how I appear to be getting more and more fatty bits by the second, the longer I stand there, clawing at the loose skin and pinching inches all over my abdomen. I am at the point where if I see my reflection in a shop window I actively put my hood up or look away instantly, because I won't necessarily say "ugh, you're fat!", but if I was to stop for even a second, I would start the scrutiny again.

    The odd thing is, I see everyone else - small, big, fat, thin - I see them for the good elements of them. For example, my mum is thin and my dad is rotund, but I see them both as lovely, attractive human beings. I see my friends who are regarded as overweight as the perfect conveyances of the people they are; absolutely no fault with their appearance. And yet at seven stones I rip myself to shreds - more so now that I'm in recovery. Hypocrisy indeed.

    That said, "recovery" is a loose term. I awoke this morning to find I am down to 95.8lb from 97lb and had an instantaneous "Aw DAMNIT."

    But then I secretly smiled to myself. A devious, ugly smile. And I actually punched myself in the arm for feeling in any way good about it, despite the "demon" conditioning me to feel that way.

    It happened again later when I got weighed in the ED Clinic and it came up as 101lb - I was utterly devastated. But I was wearing jeans and a jumper and everything, loads in my pockets etc; but I didn't even rationalise that into it. I just saw the number and thought "UGH! What the hell happened since this morning?! You're doing SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG!"

    When in reality, I was simply wearing clothes.

    ED screws your head up in so many ways.
    • #18
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    so it is all about just the weight loss and feeling fat ah knew it. i am fat.
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    What an incredibly senseless and ignorant statement, Anonymous. EDs are not "all about feeling fat" or "being fat". It's an odious defective mental conditioning that causes anxiety, compulsion, confusion and obsessions thereof.

    To trivialise it like that is pretty insensitive.
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    For me eating problems weren't about being 'fat' at all. I do a lot of sport every week, I train hard, I'm healthy usually, I have very reasonable fitness and I want to improve that. I'm at the lower end of healthy at the moment and rationally I know that my weight is fine.

    Partly it's the numbers - the focus on getting them lower and lower. Not to be 'thinner' as such, just to see the numbers go down. Maybe it's a control thing? I don't know. All I know is that it becomes obsessive - the slight feeling of achievement when you see the numbers go down becomes addictive, and for that few moments it's worth all the pain and all the horrible feelings. In the longer term, obviously, it is a different story.

    I have never developed eating problems because I felt I was fat though. The focus on weight and the self-hatred of my weight comes second for me (although I hate everything about my body, and there are definitely issues there). Weight just becomes the focus, the outlet for all those negative feelings that you can't express anywhere else. For me I know that I consciously stop eating at first to avoid dealing with those issues - it's easier at first to focus on not eating than it is to deal with the real problems (does that sound really awful?). Or sometimes it's punishment and the feeling of not 'deserving' to eat (which obviously in reality is completely illogical).

    Weight is obviously a huge part of eating disorders - for some it might come second, for others it might be start off as wanting to lose weight or feeling 'fat' and then get out of control. And the problem is, the more you stop eating and the more it takes over your mind, the more obsessively you notice your weight. And you can almost selectively ignore all the 'ok' parts. You overthink it and the more you look at yourself the more you notice all the tiny little things, or magnify them in your mind. But it's definitely not just 'feeling fat' that is the problem in eating disorders. It is the feeling of what feeling 'fat' signifies for the sufferer - maybe that's a loss of control, a loss of willpower, a loss of control, a feeling that they don't deserve to eat, however they interpret it.
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    I don't think I'm fat. I think I'm underweight. I see myself as underweight. I am terrified NOT to be underweight and I am terrified of GAINING weight. When I say 'I am fat' or 'I feel fat' I mean fatter than I have been, fatter in comparison to MYSELF and not 'fat' per se. My consultant here wants me to gain to BMI 16-17 and that to ME is obese. On anybody else it's still very underweight. On ME, who's norm is 13ish, it's horrifically large.

    TOTO - pull your arse together - anorexia is NOT a life and you deserve MORE. KEEP FIGHTING.

    Good day today until tea where I panicked, cried, yelled, threw half of my meal across the table *blushes*. I ate it. I cried, sobbed. A lot. I got support. I dealt. I will drink my milk later and go to bed and wake up tomorrow and do it all again.

    My lunch meal was horrible. Fish more bones than fish, peas served (my Dislike), watery congealed parsley sauce, soggy fries (I'm not that keen on chips), yellow broccoli.

    Tomorrow's food will be hell. Thai green curry (I LOATHE green curry, HATE it) and then a chicken and bacon and mayo salad wrap. Tea sounds ok but it sounds too INNOCENT - they are going to have done something horrific to it to get the cals in. I'm expecting the wrap to be buttered or fried or something. *cries*
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    i do personally hate my own body and the fat belly etc and i want to rid of it but coming from a big nosy family it is veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hard as theyre constantly asking what i want to eat if i want a take out and i dont want them getting suspicious if i say no cos theyre so nosy

    binged on two big bowls of you guessed it crunchy nut. not good mums gonna so ask where the hell has the first box gone to, lol.
    • #18
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    yes but again it's about not wanting to gain that weight and get fat - however fat is perceived to you its still not wanting to be fatter....

    me neither
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    Today started out really badly, I didn't even want to drink anything. :nothing:

    But! My friend came over and helped me eat a couple of little things - which didn't come back up.
    I'm really pleased :yep:
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    I don't think I'm fat. I think I'm underweight. I see myself as underweight. I am terrified NOT to be underweight and I am terrified of GAINING weight. When I say 'I am fat' or 'I feel fat' I mean fatter than I have been, fatter in comparison to MYSELF and not 'fat' per se. My consultant here wants me to gain to BMI 16-17 and that to ME is obese. On anybody else it's still very underweight. On ME, who's norm is 13ish, it's horrifically large.

    TOTO - pull your arse together - anorexia is NOT a life and you deserve MORE. KEEP FIGHTING.

    Good day today until tea where I panicked, cried, yelled, threw half of my meal across the table *blushes*. I ate it. I cried, sobbed. A lot. I got support. I dealt. I will drink my milk later and go to bed and wake up tomorrow and do it all again.

    My lunch meal was horrible. Fish more bones than fish, peas served (my Dislike), watery congealed parsley sauce, soggy fries (I'm not that keen on chips), yellow broccoli.

    Tomorrow's food will be hell. Thai green curry (I LOATHE green curry, HATE it) and then a chicken and bacon and mayo salad wrap. Tea sounds ok but it sounds too INNOCENT - they are going to have done something horrific to it to get the cals in. I'm expecting the wrap to be buttered or fried or something. *cries*
    Glomp. Always puts you off your food when the fish is more bones than fish.

    Custard, I know the scots do some seriously weird **** to stuff and then claim its edible i.e. battered mars bars. But they're surely NOT going to do that to a wrap...
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    (Original post by Liv1204)
    For me eating problems weren't about being 'fat' at all. I do a lot of sport every week, I train hard, I'm healthy usually, I have very reasonable fitness and I want to improve that. I'm at the lower end of healthy at the moment and rationally I know that my weight is fine.

    Partly it's the numbers - the focus on getting them lower and lower. Not to be 'thinner' as such, just to see the numbers go down. Maybe it's a control thing? I don't know. All I know is that it becomes obsessive - the slight feeling of achievement when you see the numbers go down becomes addictive, and for that few moments it's worth all the pain and all the horrible feelings. In the longer term, obviously, it is a different story.

    I have never developed eating problems because I felt I was fat though. The focus on weight and the self-hatred of my weight comes second for me (although I hate everything about my body, and there are definitely issues there). Weight just becomes the focus, the outlet for all those negative feelings that you can't express anywhere else. For me I know that I consciously stop eating at first to avoid dealing with those issues - it's easier at first to focus on not eating than it is to deal with the real problems (does that sound really awful?). Or sometimes it's punishment and the feeling of not 'deserving' to eat (which obviously in reality is completely illogical).

    Weight is obviously a huge part of eating disorders - for some it might come second, for others it might be start off as wanting to lose weight or feeling 'fat' and then get out of control. And the problem is, the more you stop eating and the more it takes over your mind, the more obsessively you notice your weight. And you can almost selectively ignore all the 'ok' parts. You overthink it and the more you look at yourself the more you notice all the tiny little things, or magnify them in your mind. But it's definitely not just 'feeling fat' that is the problem in eating disorders. It is the feeling of what feeling 'fat' signifies for the sufferer - maybe that's a loss of control, a loss of willpower, a loss of control, a feeling that they don't deserve to eat, however they interpret it.
    This. A Thousand times, this. It's a quantifiable, numerical, clinical gauge of how much you're "winning". Seeing miniscule changes in your body and stature are so much harder to gauge, but the numbers become a true obsession. Numbers in food calories. Numbers in pounds gained or lost. Numbers, numbers, numbers.
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    (Original post by The Boney King of Nowhere)
    This is something I've wondered about with regards those with anorexia. Hope you don't mind me asking, but when you look in the mirror do you literally see a fat person, as in not just imagine the fat there in your mind but actually see it on your body even though it isn't there? It just seems incredible to me, like a permanent hallucination that only affects your perception of your own body.
    I don't see myself as a 'fat' person, but I do see myself as normal weight when I'm actually seriously skinny; like Toto said, I'll pick out my thighs or my stomach and think they're overweight and I just need to lose 'a little bit more' when actually my thighs are probably relatively thin and my stomach is just bloated from the whole purging thing. It doesn't help that I'm seriously short - 4 foot 7, about the size of a 9-10 year old (I'm 18) - so my 'ED rationalisation' is that I'm not 'normal' height, therefore I shouldn't be a normal weight, but the reality is that I assume a normal weight for my height is much less than I should be.

    Mostly though it's not so much what I see as what I feel. It's at night, when you're lying there and you can feel all this 'fat' even though it's not there... it kind of feels like I'm going to suffocate because I'm so huge? That's the worst bit.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)


    That said, "recovery" is a loose term. I awoke this morning to find I am down to 95.8lb from 97lb and had an instantaneous "Aw DAMNIT."

    But then I secretly smiled to myself. A devious, ugly smile. And I actually punched myself in the arm for feeling in any way good about it, despite the "demon" conditioning me to feel that way.

    It happened again later when I got weighed in the ED Clinic and it came up as 101lb - I was utterly devastated. But I was wearing jeans and a jumper and everything, loads in my pockets etc; but I didn't even rationalise that into it. I just saw the number and thought "UGH! What the hell happened since this morning?! You're doing SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG!"

    When in reality, I was simply wearing clothes.

    ED screws your head up in so many ways.
    This exactly. I distinctly remember when I was first taken to the doctor about my eating, I think I was 10, and every time I went to be weighed and I'd lost weight I had to hide this smile because I knew I was meant to be gaining weight and the dietician/my mum would be so upset about it... at the time nobody realised I wasn't eating intentionally, they genuinely thought I was like anemic or something haha

    It's weird because I had quite a sheltered childhood weight-wise - I was never exposed to the whole 'media body image', nobody in my family ever dieted - so I thought this desire not to eat was really unusual, it was like this dirty secret that I couldn't tell anyone. In some respects that was a good thing as it made me feel like there was actually something wrong with me early on rather than thinking it was the 'norm,' but in others I feel like I was failed by all those doctors as, if people were looking out for the signs of an ED even in children as young as I was, they would have spotted it and they could have treated me with it in mind. As it was, I wasn't diagnosed until I was hospitalised at 14, by which time I was pretty firmly stuck.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    so it is all about just the weight loss and feeling fat ah knew it. i am fat.
    No, EDs aren't just about weight loss and feeling fat. Don't you DARE trivialise it.
    (Original post by Liv1204)
    For me eating problems weren't about being 'fat' at all. I do a lot of sport every week, I train hard, I'm healthy usually, I have very reasonable fitness and I want to improve that. I'm at the lower end of healthy at the moment and rationally I know that my weight is fine.

    Partly it's the numbers - the focus on getting them lower and lower. Not to be 'thinner' as such, just to see the numbers go down. Maybe it's a control thing? I don't know. All I know is that it becomes obsessive - the slight feeling of achievement when you see the numbers go down becomes addictive, and for that few moments it's worth all the pain and all the horrible feelings. In the longer term, obviously, it is a different story.

    I have never developed eating problems because I felt I was fat though. The focus on weight and the self-hatred of my weight comes second for me (although I hate everything about my body, and there are definitely issues there). Weight just becomes the focus, the outlet for all those negative feelings that you can't express anywhere else. For me I know that I consciously stop eating at first to avoid dealing with those issues - it's easier at first to focus on not eating than it is to deal with the real problems (does that sound really awful?). Or sometimes it's punishment and the feeling of not 'deserving' to eat (which obviously in reality is completely illogical).

    Weight is obviously a huge part of eating disorders - for some it might come second, for others it might be start off as wanting to lose weight or feeling 'fat' and then get out of control. And the problem is, the more you stop eating and the more it takes over your mind, the more obsessively you notice your weight. And you can almost selectively ignore all the 'ok' parts. You overthink it and the more you look at yourself the more you notice all the tiny little things, or magnify them in your mind. But it's definitely not just 'feeling fat' that is the problem in eating disorders. It is the feeling of what feeling 'fat' signifies for the sufferer - maybe that's a loss of control, a loss of willpower, a loss of control, a feeling that they don't deserve to eat, however they interpret it.
    BiB: This. Numbers are everything with the illness. I didn't care about anything other than the number going down. I was searching, and still am actually, searching for saftey and happiness and those numbers going down gave me that for a while. Until I was hospitalised and apparently almost died. Now I'm desperately unhappy- again- and I'm still searching for happiness and I don't know where it lies but I have to find it in a way that won't kill me. It's so hard.

    I was underweight before I got ill, I'd actually been half-heartedly trying to gain weight because I knew I was too thin. My depression got ridiculously bad and I stopped eating and lost a **** load of weight. I couldn't see the difference but because I couldn't see a difference I came to the conclusion I was huge before. I didn't want to LOSE weight though, I just didn't want to GAIN.

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    I miss it so much. I shouldn't miss it, should I? I don't feel safe anymore and I hate myself.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)

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    I miss it so much. I shouldn't miss it, should I? I don't feel safe anymore and I hate myself.
    :hugs: Of course you do. No, you shouldn't, but it's perfectly natural to. I used to call my stupid pooey piece of poo 'big me' and myself 'little me' because the big version 'looked after me.' And, daft as it sounds, when I'm upset I still need looking after and I still need it back.

    It's just important to remember all the bad parts about it rather than the times when it made you feel 'safe'.
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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    I don't see myself as a 'fat' person, but I do see myself as normal weight when I'm actually seriously skinny; like Toto said, I'll pick out my thighs or my stomach and think they're overweight and I just need to lose 'a little bit more' when actually my thighs are probably relatively thin and my stomach is just bloated from the whole purging thing. It doesn't help that I'm seriously short - 4 foot 7, about the size of a 9-10 year old (I'm 18) - so my 'ED rationalisation' is that I'm not 'normal' height, therefore I shouldn't be a normal weight, but the reality is that I assume a normal weight for my height is much less than I should be.

    Mostly though it's not so much what I see as what I feel. It's at night, when you're lying there and you can feel all this 'fat' even though it's not there... it kind of feels like I'm going to suffocate because I'm so huge? That's the worst bit.
    I feel the same way. I'm 5"3 and because I'm short I think I'll look obese if I gain (more) weight and that nobody notices my weight because I'm not tall. In reality, my frame won't let me gain that much weight anyway. It's so weird because I got weighed today and freaked out, then I weighed myself and the number was down and I had that conflicted happy/oh **** feeling. Then my sister told me my jeans were hanging off me and said I'd lost loads of weight and I didn't care because my weight was still 'too high' and I shouldn't be in that mindset with exams round the corner and... you know, an actual life ahead of me. So I fought down the ED happiness and had a huge bowl of pasta and now my stomach wants to burst and I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like I'm on the cusp of throwing away everything for/because of this and I can't let myself do it. But I still don't know anything for my exam on Monday. I guess it's lucky I have tomorrow and Sunday, eh?
    About the suffocation feeling- God, I feel that way every night. Along with the oozing and the growing. It feels like drowning in your body. :sad: :hugs:

    I've just triggered myself. Badly. I just read my old diary. Idiot. :rolleyes:
    It's these exams. I feel like a failure at everything, a failure at getting good grades, a failure at recovery and a failure at anorexia. How the **** can you fail at having a mental illness? :rolleyes: It's because I'm worrying about exams and my future and before the only thing I worried about was the next thing I was(n't) going to eat. Life is hard but you have to get through it. I have to get through it. So, ED leave me alone.

    Why are we all in this slump today? WE'LL ALL BE OK.

    Positivity guys! Custard, I am continually amazed and awed by you. You're doing fantastically hun. :hugs:
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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    :hugs: Of course you do. No, you shouldn't, but it's perfectly natural to. I used to call my stupid pooey piece of poo 'big me' and myself 'little me' because the big version 'looked after me.' And, daft as it sounds, when I'm upset I still need looking after and I still need it back.

    It's just important to remember all the bad parts about it rather than the times when it made you feel 'safe'.
    Thanks hun. :hugs: Have you heard of the ED as abusive boyfriend analogy? It's like you break up and look back at all the 'good times' instead of remembering the **** you went through. I can't exactly remember why it sucked right now though. I know it did but I seem to have forgotten the bad bits. And that's the scariest bit of all. BUT It's a stupid pooey piece of poo and doesn't deserve another moment of my time! Why think about excrement when there's exams and theatre and music? *sigh* Just want the summer to arrive... two weeks. Just two weeks.
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    Tomorrow will be a good day. I'm gonna really, really try.
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    (Original post by souldoubt)
    Tomorrow will be a good day. I'm gonna really, really try.
    :hugs:
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    :woo: Getting there!

    After waking up today I had two pieces of toast and an apple.
    For lunch, I had beef stew.

    I feel completely gross now, but the fact is I ate it all. Nothing has come back up yet, either.
    I'm going to try and eat something at dinnertime, but even if I can't manage it... I'm pretty proud of myself :yep:
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    (Original post by souldoubt)
    :woo: Getting there!

    After waking up today I had two pieces of toast and an apple.
    For lunch, I had beef stew.

    I feel completely gross now, but the fact is I ate it all. Nothing has come back up yet, either.
    I'm going to try and eat something at dinnertime, but even if I can't manage it... I'm pretty proud of myself :yep:

    Thats great news .We're all proud of you too x
 
 
 
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