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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by Annie72)
    Thats great news .We're all proud of you too x
    Thank you so much :hugs:
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    hi i was wondering if anyone has any tips on how to cope with feelings of guilt.

    i just binged and purged

    a celery
    a box of mushrooms
    2 tomatoes
    about a quarter of a lettuce
    1 kitkat
    2 biscuits with nutella on them

    i dont know how it happened it started off with feeling like a failure after eating the celery i felt like i'd messed up so badly that i might aswell just do it, thinking about it now that seems so stupid because i've eaten so much and i know its going to make me fat, i feel like i can feel my body expanding and the fat building up all around me.

    do people have any suggestions for how to forget about it and move on? i just keep panicing and i cant think about anything else, all thats going through my head is ideas of punishment and ways to reverse the damage!

    thanks
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    This fatigue is just ridiculous. I'mtrying to revise and I've eaten (objectively) a lot and I've had a sugar free red bull and I have a huge cup of coffee in front of me and I'm falling asleep. I desperately need to revise and my brain is on the cusp of freaking out over what I ate and I don't have time for it. I can have all the meltdowns AFTER my exams. I just don't understand why I'm so tired when I'm trying to get enough food! It's annoying the hell out of me 'cause I ate for energy and I don't have any. I can't sleep because I have to revise and I can't revise because I have to sleep. The coffee isn't working and if I'm seriously going to mess up my exam if I don't get the revision done.

    How do I stay awake? :sad:
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    People, you lot are panicking worse than ever at the moment. Squiff and diamond, please, relax ad list square numbers up to the 14th in your head. Distract your mind with some active... thinking... before you carry on with what you say. Diamond, you have eaten relatively little and maybe you aren't getting properly rested in your sleep?

    Squiff, just... stop.
    Think clearly for a moment.
    You have reached a certain point where you desperately need help. By even venturing onto these forums you acknowledge that you have an eating disorder, now the next step is telling people. Go downstairs and tell your mother. The more you worry about this the more you will self-implode. Honestly it's what happened to me, the eating disorder was me simply imploding. I don't want to see the same happen to you. Tell somebody now before it gets too late and LET. IT. OUT.
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    Been binging and purging all afternoon. Ugh.
    The day started out so well :sad:
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    (Original post by Antiaris)

    Squiff, just... stop.
    Think clearly for a moment.
    You have reached a certain point where you desperately need help. By even venturing onto these forums you acknowledge that you have an eating disorder, now the next step is telling people. Go downstairs and tell your mother. The more you worry about this the more you will self-implode. Honestly it's what happened to me, the eating disorder was me simply imploding. I don't want to see the same happen to you. Tell somebody now before it gets too late and LET. IT. OUT.
    Squiff, seriously, do what Antiaris has said. Otherwise she'll go round to your house and ram her hand up your arse and make you. And you're far too lovely for this horrible little voice to stay in your head ANY MORE!

    @Diamond, I dont know about the staying awake part. I've combined a can of relentless and nerves before, bad idea. I didnt really feel I was in my own body :/.
    If you've not been eating much, you might not have been having enough sleep? I know if I eat very little, I'll get 4 hours of sleep if i'm lucky.
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    Better day today.

    Bad start when they completely f***ed my breakfast up. I'm meant to have 100ml milk, 100ml water, 2 weetabix, a slice of toast, a pat of butter and a pot of marmalade. They gave me 200ml milk, LOADS of water, 2 weetabix and a pot of jam. Did they think I was going to have the jam on my weetabix?! That took ages to sort and I was really stressed. They keep getting stuff wrong and it's really bothering me, it stresses me out really badly and it's NOT MY JOB TO BE POLICING MY FOOD.

    But the thai green curry I was dreading cos I normally hate it was quite nice, and the wrap made up its calories by being deep-filled instead of mutilated with butter or somesuch, so it didn't freak me out too much.
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    But the thai green curry I was dreading cos I normally hate it was quite nice, and the wrap made up its calories by being deep-filled instead of mutilated with butter or somesuch, so it didn't freak me out too much.
    Custard, I told you they wouldnt do something horrific to it!
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    This fatigue is just ridiculous. I'mtrying to revise and I've eaten (objectively) a lot and I've had a sugar free red bull and I have a huge cup of coffee in front of me and I'm falling asleep. I desperately need to revise and my brain is on the cusp of freaking out over what I ate and I don't have time for it. I can have all the meltdowns AFTER my exams. I just don't understand why I'm so tired when I'm trying to get enough food! It's annoying the hell out of me 'cause I ate for energy and I don't have any. I can't sleep because I have to revise and I can't revise because I have to sleep. The coffee isn't working and if I'm seriously going to mess up my exam if I don't get the revision done.

    How do I stay awake? :sad:
    :hugs: I wish I knew to be honest! All I can say is, last week and the week before I barely ate anything. I was constantly exhausted and I started having old-lady naps every afternoon :rolleyes: This week I've been really really trying, I've tried to eat at least one proper meal a day, not purged since... Sunday? and I've been so so much more alert. Yes, I now spend much longer beating myself up about what I've eaten but I figured I'll do that even if I eat next to nothing, so I may as well be awake while I'm at it!

    I know it sounds simple but sometimes it helps to have someone else tell you: the only thing that's really going to help is forcing yourself to eat. And if you really can't face it, have a 20 minute nap and a glucose tablet and that should get you going hope you're doing a bit better now, and in response to your earlier post, a) that boyfriend analogy is a good 'un! and b) we do definitely need to get out of this slump! Tomorrow will be better, Monday will be FINE (is it philosophy and ethics?) and in a couple of weeks this will all be out of the way and you can focus properly on getting better :hugs:
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    Squiff, seriously, do what Antiaris has said. Otherwise she'll go round to your house and ram her hand up your arse and make you. And you're far too lovely for this horrible little voice to stay in your head ANY MORE!

    @Diamond, I dont know about the staying awake part. I've combined a can of relentless and nerves before, bad idea. I didnt really feel I was in my own body :/.
    If you've not been eating much, you might not have been having enough sleep? I know if I eat very little, I'll get 4 hours of sleep if i'm lucky.
    I think I was tired because I ate quite a lot. Well more than usual. A lot more than usual. I've just had chips actually, I feel sick as ****. :sigh:
    I'm ok now, had to OD on red bull and diet coke though and now I'm hyper.

    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    :hugs: I wish I knew to be honest! All I can say is, last week and the week before I barely ate anything. I was constantly exhausted and I started having old-lady naps every afternoon :rolleyes: This week I've been really really trying, I've tried to eat at least one proper meal a day, not purged since... Sunday? and I've been so so much more alert. Yes, I now spend much longer beating myself up about what I've eaten but I figured I'll do that even if I eat next to nothing, so I may as well be awake while I'm at it!

    I know it sounds simple but sometimes it helps to have someone else tell you: the only thing that's really going to help is forcing yourself to eat. And if you really can't face it, have a 20 minute nap and a glucose tablet and that should get you going hope you're doing a bit better now, and in response to your earlier post, a) that boyfriend analogy is a good 'un! and b) we do definitely need to get out of this slump! Tomorrow will be better, Monday will be FINE (is it philosophy and ethics?) and in a couple of weeks this will all be out of the way and you can focus properly on getting better :hugs:
    :hugs: Thank you lovely! Yup, Philosophy and Ethics. I feel a bit more optimistic about it now I've managed to revise quite a bit. I'm a bit confused as to what I wrote though because it seems like everyone read it as me saying I didn't eat much. I actually ate quite a bit today. Feel pretty damn awful now but I have to do this. :sigh:
    Hope you're feeling a bit better too. :sad:
    Old lady naps used to be the only way I could function. Are you getting any help? :hugs: I get so worried about everyone on here.
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    People, you lot are panicking worse than ever at the moment. Squiff and diamond, please, relax ad list square numbers up to the 14th in your head. Distract your mind with some active... thinking... before you carry on with what you say. Diamond, you have eaten relatively little and maybe you aren't getting properly rested in your sleep?

    Squiff, just... stop.
    Think clearly for a moment.
    You have reached a certain point where you desperately need help. By even venturing onto these forums you acknowledge that you have an eating disorder, now the next step is telling people. Go downstairs and tell your mother. The more you worry about this the more you will self-implode. Honestly it's what happened to me, the eating disorder was me simply imploding. I don't want to see the same happen to you. Tell somebody now before it gets too late and LET. IT. OUT.
    i was bulimic before and i told my mum after i'd gone to doctors and she just didn't get it we argued about it loads with her trying to force feed me eggs and fish, me refusing to eat them and her yelling at me that i was anorexic, since then i had CBT but decided to stop when i just got fed up of it, now i've lost a pile of weight its a different problem but the old ones still kind of there. i kind of don't know what i am anymore because i've got help for different things and just feel like its completely mind ****ed me. im scared to tell my mum i need help again because portraying the image that i'm all better now is so much easier. she says stuff to me like your not wasting away are you when my clothes fall down off me but all i need to say is no and she takes my word for it straight away. sounds stupid but i feel like shes too naive to ever realise it for herself and i dont even know whats wrong with me anyway.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)

    :hugs: Thank you lovely! Yup, Philosophy and Ethics. I feel a bit more optimistic about it now I've managed to revise quite a bit. I'm a bit confused as to what I wrote though because it seems like everyone read it as me saying I didn't eat much. I actually ate quite a bit today. Feel pretty damn awful now but I have to do this. :sigh:
    Hope you're feeling a bit better too. :sad:
    Old lady naps used to be the only way I could function. Are you getting any help? :hugs: I get so worried about everyone on here.
    Sorry, don't know why I read it as that aha nice one on the chips, chips are goood I know it's tricky but keep it up
    Same about the P&E, I did a mock today and actually knew what to write, it was an exciting moment haha :rolleyes: I'm not, I was 'fine' for a couple of months before exams started so I'm currently debating about whether or not to go to the doctor before uni or whether I should just go to uni and attempt a 'fresh start' and if I relapse there I'll get help there? I know the logical answer is the first option but I am lazy and also have to keep going to the doctor for a bunch of other (unrelated) stuff so I cba to drag this up as well... ugh. I annoy myself haha :rolleyes:
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    i was bulimic before and i told my mum after i'd gone to doctors and she just didn't get it we argued about it loads with her trying to force feed me eggs and fish, me refusing to eat them and her yelling at me that i was anorexic, since then i had CBT but decided to stop when i just got fed up of it, now i've lost a pile of weight its a different problem but the old ones still kind of there. i kind of don't know what i am anymore because i've got help for different things and just feel like its completely mind ****ed me. im scared to tell my mum i need help again because portraying the image that i'm all better now is so much easier. she says stuff to me like your not wasting away are you when my clothes fall down off me but all i need to say is no and she takes my word for it straight away. sounds stupid but i feel like shes too naive to ever realise it for herself and i dont even know whats wrong with me anyway.
    You don't have to know what's wrong with you, you're clearly unwell. Tell her you're having problems with food. You don't need to define it. There's no chance she actually hasn't noticed, she's probably taking your word for it because she doesn't want to believe you're ill. You need to go to a doctor, it's seriously that simple and that dangerous. You can- God forbid- die right now. Any of us can if we continue self destructing. You NEED to speak to somebody. We all understand what you're going through and we're here to support you but we're not professionals. Once you get to the point where you're physically deteriorating and your behaviour is still very disordered, you need more help than an online forum can give. Show her one of your posts. Don't let those ****** up thoughts tell you you're not 'ill enough' to need help or any of that BS because you're never going to be 'ill enough' and you're never going to be 'thin enough'. Not until you're dead. There's something in your head that's trying to kill you, hun. You can't let it.
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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    Sorry, don't know why I read it as that aha nice one on the chips, chips are goood I know it's tricky but keep it up
    Same about the P&E, I did a mock today and actually knew what to write, it was an exciting moment haha :rolleyes: I'm not, I was 'fine' for a couple of months before exams started so I'm currently debating about whether or not to go to the doctor before uni or whether I should just go to uni and attempt a 'fresh start' and if I relapse there I'll get help there? I know the logical answer is the first option but I am lazy and also have to keep going to the doctor for a bunch of other (unrelated) stuff so I cba to drag this up as well... ugh. I annoy myself haha :rolleyes:
    Oh gosh, are you actually me? Same dilemma. When I go to uni there won't be ED services (as far as I'm aware anyway) and I hate hate HATE going to the doctors.
    I'm so freaked out about relapsing at uni- I went to Sussex for a weekend months ago and I didn't eat anything for 3 days, partly because my friend was on a no carb diet and it was triggering as ****, partly because the kitchen was a mess but mostly because I was in a new place and I felt anxious and uncomfortable... it took me weeks to get back on track- and it's sort of why I REALLY don't want to go to my insurance. I didn't like it that much and it sounds silly but when I went on the offer day, they made you have lunch in this communal hall and even if I could eat in front of strangers, there wasn't ONE vegetarian option I could eat. I'd be self catered but I just don't want to go there. At UEA, they asked about food preferences and they wrapped up my lunch and kept it separate from the buffet and they didn't even KNOW about my ED and they gave me a really nice lunch I felt vaguely ok about eating! And I loved the atmosphere, it was so chilled and creative and wonderful, I felt like I belonged there the first time I visited and I don't even feel comfortable at home! I think I'd be a million times less likely to relapse in a place I could be happy. :yes:
    You do NOT want to wait for a relapse before you ask for help. It's much better if you just rock up to the doctors during fresher's week or whatever and explain your circumstances just so they know and can check up on you a little bit? Even if you think you don't need it now. Because really, how likely are you to ask for help if- and this WON'T happen or I'll e-kick you - you're in the midst of a relapse and you think everything is fine and are so used to feeling **** you forget what it feels like to feel ok? You're going to cling on to it unless you have a moment of clarity or something!
    Yeah, so get yourself to your doctor before uni and see if they can get you sorted with some extra support in the summer/in your uni town.
    Didn't know you did P+E too! :five: Great taste in subjects! What are you aiming to study at uni? /nosy

    I think focusing on my future now I can sort of see one makes things feel less dire and awful. I think uni might be a fresh start for me! But I think I'll get myself in touch with doctors just so I have that extra support.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Oh gosh, are you actually me? Same dilemma. When I go to uni there won't be ED services (as far as I'm aware anyway) and I hate hate HATE going to the doctors.
    I'm so freaked out about relapsing at uni- I went to Sussex for a weekend months ago and I didn't eat anything for 3 days, partly because my friend was on a no carb diet and it was triggering as ****, partly because the kitchen was a mess but mostly because I was in a new place and I felt anxious and uncomfortable... it took me weeks to get back on track- and it's sort of why I REALLY don't want to go to my insurance. I didn't like it that much and it sounds silly but when I went on the offer day, they made you have lunch in this communal hall and even if I could eat in front of strangers, there wasn't ONE vegetarian option I could eat. I'd be self catered but I just don't want to go there. At UEA, they asked about food preferences and they wrapped up my lunch and kept it separate from the buffet and they didn't even KNOW about my ED and they gave me a really nice lunch I felt vaguely ok about eating! And I loved the atmosphere, it was so chilled and creative and wonderful, I felt like I belonged there the first time I visited and I don't even feel comfortable at home! I think I'd be a million times less likely to relapse in a place I could be happy. :yes:
    You do NOT want to wait for a relapse before you ask for help. It's much better if you just rock up to the doctors during fresher's week or whatever and explain your circumstances just so they know and can check up on you a little bit? Even if you think you don't need it now. Because really, how likely are you to ask for help if- and this WON'T happen or I'll e-kick you - you're in the midst of a relapse and you think everything is fine and are so used to feeling **** you forget what it feels like to feel ok? You're going to cling on to it unless you have a moment of clarity or something!
    Yeah, so get yourself to your doctor before uni and see if they can get you sorted with some extra support in the summer/in your uni town.
    Didn't know you did P+E too! :five: Great taste in subjects! What are you aiming to study at uni? /nosy

    I think focusing on my future now I can sort of see one makes things feel less dire and awful. I think uni might be a fresh start for me! But I think I'll get myself in touch with doctors just so I have that extra support.
    Uni of E.A have an ED service there :yep: Also, I know it might be hard (or financially impossible) but going for catered might help recovery because there'd be ready made food served at regular times and the fact that others will be there will make it harder for you to hide. Of course, if you're not far enough along with recovery that's gonna be bloody hard :hugs:
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    (Original post by Aemiliana)
    Uni of E.A have an ED service there :yep: Also, I know it might be hard (or financially impossible) but going for catered might help recovery because there'd be ready made food served at regular times and the fact that others will be there will make it harder for you to hide. Of course, if you're not far enough along with recovery that's gonna be bloody hard :hugs:
    Wow, I didn't know they had ED services! Thanks for the link hun. There's no self catered accommodation at UEA. I'm going to work really hard on everything during the summer. How are you doing? :hugs:
    xx
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Oh gosh, are you actually me? Same dilemma. When I go to uni there won't be ED services (as far as I'm aware anyway) and I hate hate HATE going to the doctors.
    I'm so freaked out about relapsing at uni- I went to Sussex for a weekend months ago and I didn't eat anything for 3 days, partly because my friend was on a no carb diet and it was triggering as ****, partly because the kitchen was a mess but mostly because I was in a new place and I felt anxious and uncomfortable... it took me weeks to get back on track- and it's sort of why I REALLY don't want to go to my insurance. I didn't like it that much and it sounds silly but when I went on the offer day, they made you have lunch in this communal hall and even if I could eat in front of strangers, there wasn't ONE vegetarian option I could eat. I'd be self catered but I just don't want to go there. At UEA, they asked about food preferences and they wrapped up my lunch and kept it separate from the buffet and they didn't even KNOW about my ED and they gave me a really nice lunch I felt vaguely ok about eating! And I loved the atmosphere, it was so chilled and creative and wonderful, I felt like I belonged there the first time I visited and I don't even feel comfortable at home! I think I'd be a million times less likely to relapse in a place I could be happy. :yes:
    You do NOT want to wait for a relapse before you ask for help. It's much better if you just rock up to the doctors during fresher's week or whatever and explain your circumstances just so they know and can check up on you a little bit? Even if you think you don't need it now. Because really, how likely are you to ask for help if- and this WON'T happen or I'll e-kick you - you're in the midst of a relapse and you think everything is fine and are so used to feeling **** you forget what it feels like to feel ok? You're going to cling on to it unless you have a moment of clarity or something!
    Yeah, so get yourself to your doctor before uni and see if they can get you sorted with some extra support in the summer/in your uni town.
    Didn't know you did P+E too! :five: Great taste in subjects! What are you aiming to study at uni? /nosy

    I think focusing on my future now I can sort of see one makes things feel less dire and awful. I think uni might be a fresh start for me! But I think I'll get myself in touch with doctors just so I have that extra support.
    Yes, yes I am.

    Aww you sound so excited about UEA, I really really hope you get there! You totally will though, what are you going to do there? I think you're right, it does make a massive difference if you feel comfortable where you are - I've never been able to eat anything on school trips for precisely that reason, but if you 'felt you belonged there' on your first visit it will be so much easier! Good luck tomorrowww

    Yeah I'm hoping to study English... I think I'll do what you said, go to the doctors in Fresher's week, explain that I'm fine but might relapse. This is a genius plan, thank youu I know I should probably go now so I have the whole summer to sort meself out but I just can't face it to be honest, and I really don't like my GP haha but I will do the freshers thing okay now I'm going to get stuck into a bit of Dawkins and maybe have lunch today :rolleyes:
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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    Yes, yes I am.

    Aww you sound so excited about UEA, I really really hope you get there! You totally will though, what are you going to do there? I think you're right, it does make a massive difference if you feel comfortable where you are - I've never been able to eat anything on school trips for precisely that reason, but if you 'felt you belonged there' on your first visit it will be so much easier! Good luck tomorrowww

    Yeah I'm hoping to study English... I think I'll do what you said, go to the doctors in Fresher's week, explain that I'm fine but might relapse. This is a genius plan, thank youu I know I should probably go now so I have the whole summer to sort meself out but I just can't face it to be honest, and I really don't like my GP haha but I will do the freshers thing okay now I'm going to get stuck into a bit of Dawkins and maybe have lunch today :rolleyes:
    English Lit with Creative Writing. I sort of wish I'd applied for straight English for my other options though and at different places. I'm not sure Creative Writing is worth doing anywhere else apart from UEA- except maybe Warwick. I am ridiculously excited and I will be heartbroken if I don't get in.
    You're hoping to do English? You are officially awesome!
    Thank you, good luck for your exams too! I'm sure you'll get where you want to be.
    *has a new found hatred for Dawkins after finding out he's part of that utter farce of a university college ... and what is up with Grayling being Master? I thought he was an egalitarian and believed in equal opportunities for all? Hmmph* /rant
    I'm actually reading over atheism right now and it's a bit of a panic revision thing because I haven't actually studied it properly (or at all!) because my teacher said we didn't have time but I refuse to do religious language or experience in the exam because I'll die of boredom. I'm sure learning it is pointless anyway because the Ontological argument HAS to come up but... yeah. It's pretty interesting.
    And no problem, safety first m'dear! :hugs:
    Definitely have some lunch! You have the perfect justification for the stupid pooey piece of poo- exams! :rolleyes: (I hate that we need to justify eating!) :yes:
    It feels weird being so hyper! I literally jumped out of bed this morning. I'm never like this before an exam (actually, I'm never like this... ever!), I'm usually oh 'Oh **** I don't know anything and I'm going to fail' but I'm weirdly fine about it. Not because I've revised enough but because I just have this weird... faith that things will be ok. Even if they're not and I fail everything. I just feel like after the year I've had my A levels are the least of my worries and they're not worth worrying about! Totally unlike me but I kinda like it!

    Wow. Who is this and what's happened to DD?
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    DD, it'll be fiiiine. If everything goes titties up, you could always have a gap yah, sort out the horrible voice in your head and resit some modules to meet the offer.
    UEA does look very lovely. I've a friend doing Ecology there, she absolutely raves about the place. Because of that i'm going to have a gander round for Chemistry
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    At UEA, they asked about food preferences and they wrapped up my lunch and kept it separate from the buffet and they didn't even KNOW about my ED and they gave me a really nice lunch I felt vaguely ok about eating! And I loved the atmosphere, it was so chilled and creative and wonderful, I felt like I belonged there the first time I visited and I don't even feel comfortable at home! I think I'd be a million times less likely to relapse in a place I could be happy. :yes:
    .
    I don't know why UEA is so fantastic compared to the other uni's but I felt exactly the same there. I won't make the grades now that i've become ill again and have come to terms with this, but UEA is just SO SO great with their students!
 
 
 
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